How are ya? I'm great, man. Things are, you were great, you're doing, it's just amazing, first of all. And I'm blown away by what's happened to me this
summer's just been incredible. Yeah, and I don't want to embarrass you, but that's part of my job. You made this deal, everybody's been talking about, and no one deserves this more than you. Sometimes people in show
business make these deals, and you think, that scum. But uh. (audience laughing) Erik Estrada, what!? (audience laughing) I'm after Estrada, he's getting away with murder. But no, but you made this deal Comedy central, huge deal, $50 million deal. Everybody's talking about it. What are you gonna do with that money? How has this changed your life? Nothing's changed, man. (audience laughing) I spent a 100 grand on leather pants. (laughing) But you were probably doing that before. I mean, yeah, it's all the same. I've been giraffe shopping
with the Jacksons. (laughing) But other than that, it's
just the usual stuff. It's just that my old
friends aren't into giraffes like I am now. Right? They can't keep up with me. They can't keep up with you. It's just a difference. What about offers to do movies? I know you've done movie work before, but now you're this hot. The phone's gotta be ringing off the hook. It's funny, because before I wasn't getting any
movie offers and now they, I get a lot of offers for like bad movies. Like those, those are the
planet of the apes type roles. (audience laughing) You saw that movie Planet of the Apes, with Mark Wahlberg. The remake, yeah. Well, yeah, they're
both racist to me, man. (audience laughing) The first one was like, just get your damn dirty ape hands off me. I'm like, aw, come on, what
are you really talking about? (laughing) And then I seen the new one, I'm thinking this is a
more progressive time, this will not be as racist. And then they had, the
apes was sitting at dinner, I'm not even making this up, they was eating watermelon. I was like, aw, come on now. (audience laughing) So the apes is eating watermelon? And then like, later on in the movie, they running from the apes and like, "Run the water,
'cause the apes can't swim." (laughing) Which is like awkward, because see these apes can talk and, but they can't swim. (audience laughing) And then uh, at the end, it's like, when I seen the ape smoking a Newport, I just got up and walked out. (audience laughing) It was outrageous. Yeah you're right. That's not good. That's another thing that's changed since I made all this money. I stopped smoking uh, menthol. There you go. I didn't stop smoking, but I don't smoke anything that
they market to black people. Really? That's where the poison is, as far as I'm concerned. I can't make it that easy, baby. I keep 'em confused. I'll smoke stuff like Virginia Slims. I look at the box, like, nobody's gonna hurt this white woman. Gimme two packs of these. Virginia Slims. (applause) That's not right. Smoking is bad, everybody. Kids, if you're watching, don't smoke. But it's pretty funny to talk about. Yeah. Now uh, I don't wanna pry, but uh, I'm gonna take a shot at this, who you gonna vote for in the election? You know what's funny,
I was really into Kerry, then when I got all this money now Bush's looking a little better now that I got this money, man. (applause) I'm torn. It changes. I mean, I'm black, yet I'm rich now, so I just I got all the
feelings I have inside of now. Oh!! What are you gonna do? Which one of these white
people gone take care of? (audience laughing) You're gonna be in that voting booth. Forget Virginia Slims. Thinking about it. In my leather pants and ascot. (audience laughing) Giraffe's gonna lean in, "Hurry up!" (laughing) "Let's go." Now, are you gonna be a
charitable person now? And maybe you were before, but you think you're gonna try and help the people around you? Well, since I've joined
the Republican party, no. I'm not. They'll take care of themselves. Nah, man, I'm, I, yeah, I'm pretty charitable. There was, matter of fact, there was a guy they
used to live in front, and he wasn't even, I shouldn't say lives, he was
homeless, obviously homeless, He's staying in front of my apartment. And one night I was coming
home from shooting late, and I saw him, was cold out, he's shivering. So, I just gave him $20. Which is something I didn't think about. Just get something to eat, man, whatever. And he was so grateful. I'll never forget. He was just like, thank you, brother, this means a lot. I'll never forget you. And people say that all the time. This guy never forgot. As a matter of fact, he came to my house every day after that, knocking on the door. He's like "Come on, man,
I just need some money, I could get something to eat." And then he's shivering, and I'm like come on
dog, it's July, for real? What you, what you want? He's like, I'm hungry. He's like, I'm hungry
please, I'm hungry, please. So he's hungry. I'm not gone turn away a hungry person. And I'm like, well, what, what are you trying to eat? He was like, what? Uh, a burger, I need a burger. But I'm like, I need more information. Do you want cheese on it? Do you want fries? Different burgers, cost
different amounts, right? I need to know how much money to give you. He's like I want some crack, okay!? (audience laughing) I want some crack!! Maybe some fries too, but, mostly crack. You were wasting the guy's time. He had business to do. I felt bad, but then I'd see him, and I try to like encourage him. Like, when I'm coming out, like you can beat that crack And I guess that's like
an annoying thing to say to a crack addict, 'cause he was just like,
"Hahaha, all right!" (audience laughing) "Easier said than done,
thank you very much, for that encouraging word." Until you mentioned it, it never occurred to me. Now, I can't believe this, but you were invited to go
to the Republican Convention. That's true? Well not no, kinda, what happened was, I was doing that Anderson Cooper show. Right. So, Anderson was tied
up with the convention. He was like, "Can we come interview you on the floor, at the Republican Convention?" Which is too much attention for me. I mean, any black dude that walks in there, is gonna
have a million cameras on. If Big Foot walked in at the same time, they'd be like, "Big Foot's over, Dave Chappelle!!!" (Conan laughing) Big foot is taking a seat
with the Colorado Delegation. Dave Chappelle, is a black
person at the convention! (audience laughing) Now how are your, and again,
this is about your life, but I know you got, you got two boys? Yeah, man. These guys. Yeah, yeah, you act like
I just reminded you. (laughing) Yeah, no, man! Those guys, man. I hope y'all are watching, y'all should be asleep. But uh. How are they? How are they doing? They're great. My oldest son just finished
his first year of school. If you wanna call it school. I mean, he's like four. So, I don't even know
what they're learning. I went to one (chuckles), you know those parent teacher conferences. Which I was nervous. Cause if they say anything
less than he's incredible, then I'll be, I'll get mad. So uh, but she was like, giving me his report card like, running is great. His jumping is incredible. She goes through all the litany she goes, "But um, he needs to learn
how to use his words more." So I'm like, what does that mean, use his words? She said, "Well, like at nap time, if someone's sleeping on his
mat, he should come tell me, and not kick that person." (laughing) But it was like what you
think I'm raising, a snitch? Kick 'em, Son. (laughing) I'm trying to get 'em to keep it real. Keep it real! Yeah man, I don't want
no son to come telling everybody does something. Just kick 'em. Kick 'em. (audience laughing) Kick 'em hard! He'll move, he'll move. (laughing) All right, well, Dave Chappelle, For What It's Worth premieres
Saturday night at nine on a Showtime, and you know what? No one deserves all the success. Man, I appreciate it. More than this guy right here. Dave Chappelle! (applause) Keep going! Rose Byrne, coming up, we'll take a break.
Absolutely love this dude, e•qua•nim•i•ty is one of my favorite stand-up performances ever
Edit: Nostalgia trip: I remember my family and a friends family staying on the same vacationspot in the woods where we have mobile homes, to escape the city basically. My brother cracked Killin’ em Softly on a DVD for us to watch which we did, we were laughing our balls off and i’ve been a fan of Dave Chappelle ever since, i was around 12 years old back then. I’m Dutch and i say Stand-up comedy is the best American export product the Americans ever created, that stage is the spot where all the filters are off.
Vintage Chappelle is best Chappelle.
Conan needed a bigger desk. He looks like a giant.
That kindergarten parent teacher conference joke would be the centerpiece of another comics stand up routine. He just throws it away on a talk show like it's nothing. God I was so bummed when he left the Chapelle show.
He funniest living human
He’s right!