10 Ways to Manipulate a Narcissist | (Keeping the Peace with a Narcissist)

welcome to my scientifically informed insider look at mental health topics if you find this video to be interesting or helpful please like it and subscribe to my channel oh this is dr. grande today's question asks if I can take a look at ways that somebody can manipulate a narcissist now manipulating a narcissist in the long run I think is hazardous and I think an argument can even be made that it could be hazardous in the short run some would say it's exactly the wrong thing to do and I tend to agree with this in a way it promotes narcissism because it's often the same as placating or encouraging the narcissist so I have to think of this topic more as keeping the peace with the narcissist as opposed to manipulating the narcissist manipulation has kind of a negative connotation to it either way they'll answer this question by looking at the 10 ways to manipulate a narcissist or as I would prefer 10 ways of keeping the peace what the narcissist if manipulation is bad if it does have a negative connotation to it why learn about it is it even a good idea to uncover these techniques and learn what they would be how somebody could manipulate a narcissist well I think it's important to recognize these behaviors because sometimes we see them in others narcissists often recruit people to help them to manipulate and a harm I call these people narcissistic agents others call them flying monkeys reference to The Wizard of Oz but either way these agents do manifest a lot of these manipulation tactics so in a sense they're trying to manipulate the narcissist as the narcissist has power over them and is manipulating them another group that sometimes manifests these manipulative behaviors would be victims of the narcissist so sometimes they try to manipulate the narcissist just to survive now other than seeing these patterns and other people there's one more reason to learn these techniques sometimes there's really no avoiding interaction with narcissists sometimes we don't have the choice of just pushing them to the side and doing something else because it's a work situation or a family situation where you really have to interact with the narcissist so again sometimes we can think of these men relations strategies is more in the short-term just doing something to survive momentarily maybe to get something that the narcissist has access to that you need like they're the gatekeeper for something that you need or to keep the peace with them temporarily or to get them to stop harassing you or somebody else so just a short-term manipulation to move past the narcissist to survive and interaction with them so I'm not advocating being dishonest I believe the solution really is in the other direction being candid with narcissists and encouraging them to get treatment so accountability but again sometimes in certain situations you just need to survive that interaction with the narcissist so let's look at these ten ways to manipulate a narcissist the first way here is don't be stunned in a negative way so what do I mean by this well narcissistic behavior is offensive it brings up a feeling of disgust and a lot of people and feelings of disgust can be difficult to conceal so when first interacting with somebody if you realize they're narcissistic there's this Tennessee to show that disgust to be stunned in a negative way at least negative from the point of view of the narcissist and this isn't helpful if you need to get something from the narcissist this can start the relationship off on the wrong foot or the interaction off on the wrong foot moving to the second item this is avoid criticizing the narcissist just like that feeling of disgust it can be difficult to avoid making a direct criticism when we see offensive blatant arrogant condescending behavior if we can avoid criticism we can often have a much better chance of being successful when interacting with the narcissist avoiding criticism reduces the risk of narcissistic rage and somebody who has grandiose narcissism and of course if somebody has vulnerable narcissism they're going to be hypersensitive to criticism so they're going to pick up on that criticism right away moving to item number three this one is complimenting the narcissist and this one's fairly extensive I have several parts under this item this taps in to the excessive need for admiration that we see narcissists have so a few things to remember when paying a compliment to a narcissist the first thing to remember under this area is to be sincere so these aren't perfunctory compliments not just an average compliment they have to be delivered with some level of sincerity a higher level of sincerity next point under this complements item be impressed so when the narcissist tells you about themselves some sort of skill they have say it's in a work environment you really have to react somewhat strongly not over-the-top but kind of impress like wow I understand why people are so impressed with your work like a little bit of disbelief how come no one else sees how great this person is again you're conveying this to the narcissist you could say something like the world would be a better place if the narcissist was in charge so if you're talking to a narcissist the world be a better place if you ran this company you could also use statements like you should run for president you should be the owner of this company why don't other people here understand what you're doing like so their work is so incredible their abilities that other people can't really catch on to how significant they are another type of compliment is comparing them to famous people often narcissists really like this they like to identify with high status individuals so an owner of a company a politician a famous actor or somebody like that you could also communicate to them that you understand that they are already legendary so narcissus don't want to think of themselves as being successful in the future as much as being successful in the present so you could be that one person that realizes how special they are in the moment if they pay a compliment in return to you for providing a compliment this is actually somewhat unlikely but if they do that you could tell them that it's really special coming from them right so if they say something nice about you you can push that back into another compliment by saying coming from you that really means something so in a way pumping them up even more as I mentioned there are many risks to attempting to manipulate or even keep the peace with a narcissist with grandiose narcissism usually compliments can be a little bit more successful than with vulnerable narcissism the as grandiose narcissist are typically oblivious that you're complimenting them but you really don't mean it all the way vulnerable narcissists process information a little differently they tend to review conversations in their head later looking for moments of insincerity so there's a lot of distrust with vulnerable narcissism so if somebody goes over the top with complimenting a vulnerable narcissist they might not get that in the moment but they'll process that later on and realize that they were being played that whole time so then we can see the narcissistic rage again kind of a delayed effect one way to get around this a little bit is to continually reassure the vulnerable narcissist so to compliment them repeatedly so they believe those comments are real so essentially with vulnerable versus grandiose here a vulnerable narcissist is harder to manipulate or negotiate with because of that distrustful miss that's why the key if they don't trust you they might not also trust a compliment that's delivered by you so complimenting in general may be effective but a lot of people have difficulty complimenting a narcissist I think for the obvious reasons the narcissist again is arrogant condescending they have a sense of entitlement so it's difficult to support that behavior in any way so some of these other items I'll be going through even though they do tend to encourage the narcissist a lot of them aren't as drastic as paying a direct kind of over-the-top compliment so idle number four here is to double-check the advice from competent people with the narcissist so if you get advice from somebody a company setting you could go by the narcissist and say I just wanted to get your thoughts before proceeding with this advice I just wanted to double-check this with you this expert gave me advice but what do you think right instead of experts you could use the word boss or manager or anybody that's considered kind of higher ranking than the narcissist so the nice part about this technique is because a higher level Authority gave you the advice the narcissist might not blame you if you don't follow their advice right they understand that you kind of have to follow the advice of the person who's higher up so this gives you a way to make with a narcissist without actually having to follow the narcissist advice item number five this is to be mad on behalf of the narcissist so with this item we're really trying to understand why they don't like other people and to connect with that a little bit so you could say something like it's sad that others would treat you so poorly they can't see how great you are so again kind of tying in with what I talked about earlier if I was in your position I would be upset too so kind of empathizing with the narcissist so in a way you're really just trying to see things from their point of view and get a little bit upset along with them and other people that are hurting or offending the narcissist item number six here is ask for their advice and be amazed by their reply this could also be combined with item number four double checking the advice from a competent person with the narcissist the key with item number six is the being amazed part so I never would have thought of that that's genius even just a quick really compliment like that can make a big difference and especially when it comes right after hearing the advice so the narcissist says something it may be intelligent or not it may have a clear narcissistic edge to it component to it or not but either way there's that spontaneous moment of just recognizing that that advice could be valuable and I think that does mean a lot to a narcissist that can have a particularly important impact they really feel like you're getting it that you understand that they have good ideas item number seven is offer to help the narcissist so you could say look you have a tremendous amount of responsibility what can I do to help you this really sends the message that what the narcissist is doing is important and you understand that the world would fall apart if the narcissist couldn't complete their job but I couldn't complete whatever work they're trying to do so in a sense this is kind of joining with the narcissist to meet a common goal to accomplish a common goal something that they want and in theory something that you could want as well with this item offering help to the narcissist sometimes if you do this they all volunteer to help you so again this is where we get to kind of the manipulation component or the kind of getting along with them component item number eight ask them about their dreams right their fantasies and don't be mortified by their reply so one of the key characteristics of narcissism is a narcissist has fantasies of success power wealth the ideal love and many of these fantasies are disturbing not from the point of view of the narcissist but from the point of view of everyone else often when you ask a narcissist about their fantasies they tell you a little bit about the fantasy and then gauge your reaction so you really want to be excited about their fantasy world and not disgusted right that's really the key so the reaction has to be kind of engaged empathic that sounds interesting by keeping in mind of course as I mentioned it will likely be quite disturbing some of them are extremely disturbing also as part of this you don't want to make suggestions on how to improve it right narcissus don't react well to that so if they're explaining their fantasy they really have it the way they want it they don't need advice on how to improve it I think sometimes they look at advice about their fantasies as really criticism so their fantasy isn't good enough they have a certain way and in order to get along with them in a sense you have to appreciate it in the way they're presenting it item number nine is empathizing with their feelings now this is partially covered and some of the other items but I wanted to go through some of the different characteristics of narcissism and where there are opportunities to empathize so interestingly you can empathize with their lack of empathy that's one of the traits of narcissism for example everyone is too touchy-feely these days right so the narcissist is often cold and callous they don't empathize with people so that type of statement might make them feel like you understand them like you understand that other people may be too sensitive in terms of their need to manipulate you could say something like some people can be so stubborn so in a sense recognizing that from the narcissist point of view manipulation isn't always bad in terms of grandiosity you could say something like you have to act important to be important right so the narcissist is always acting important and that validates their behavior so you get again that's the point of empathy you really get what they're going through in terms of dominance you could say something like if you don't take charge nothing is going to get done around here right so again kind of connecting with their desire to dominate in terms of their overwhelming confidence you could say something like if I were a smart attractive powerful and skilled as you I would be confident too right so kind of mixing a compliment with a bit of empathy sometimes with narcissists we see something called communal narcissism so they want to be recognized for helping other people this doesn't happen all the time but we do see it on occasion so this gives an opportunity for someone to view their behavior as a way to help others not themselves so to recognize the good work that the narcissist has done and their intention to do good work their intention to be seen that way so you could say something like you're just looking out for everyone else right you're just trying to help other people or you are demanding because you know what's best for other people or for your workers so even when a narcissist is more authentic as opposed to communal so if a narcissist really is highly self-centered and I don't particularly care about trying to help other people and looking good that way they'll probably still like this type of attitude they'll probably still like somebody coming to them and saying I see you're just trying to help other people through your behavior especially taking some of the more destructive behaviors and pointing out how there's maybe a good side to them or a good intention behind them and this brings me to item number 10 the last item here in my list and this one is don't put yourself down it's really a common tactic when trying to negotiate with the narcissist to say something like I have no idea what I'm doing I'm so glad that you're around right so just taking a position where you don't have any value and the narcissist has a tremendous amount of value narcissists are less disgusted by other narcissists so an important part of this feature here notice I use the word less disgusted as opposed to less impressed so the narcissist is generally disgusted by everybody but with other narcissists again they're less disgusted so sometimes when trying to negotiate with the narcissist we have to shoot for a goal like that right the goal is to be less disgusting from their point of view right it's not really a pro-social position on their part but it is the way they behave right so that's kind of or aiming for it's very difficult to impress the narcissist but it's possible to be less disgusting to them the bottom line with this item is that the narcissist wants a competent person to like them if you label yourself as unimportant there's no reason for the narcissist to help you the key is to appear good or even great but not at the same level as the narcissist so you could say something like I consider myself good at this particular skill but you are incredible from their point of view because you are competent if you appear to be competent you can better appreciate their skills and abilities they want a worthy audience to admire them so it's not just the admiration that matters it's not like the quantity of admiration is all that matters to the narcissist it's also the quality of the person who's giving them admiration many narcissist would rather have one important person recognize part of their skillset or their abilities than a hundred people that they consider to be unimportant recognize those abilities right so again not always quantity sometimes is quality so these are my 10 ideas for getting along with the narcissist trying to manage the narcissist again it's important to keep in mind the risks of attempting to manipulate a narcissist and the risks of even trying to get along with them or keep the peace with them or negotiate with them in any way right there's risks when dealing with narcissists period right especially if you're trying to trick them in some way or maneuver around some of their characteristics in some way so caution is always advised when interacting with people who are narcissistic regardless of whether we're talking about grandiose or vulnerable and really regardless of the setting work setting romantic setting other settings narcissists always have a destructive potential to them and we have to be careful that I know whenever I talk about topics like narcissism there will be a variety of opinions please put any opinions and thoughts in the comment section they always generate an interesting dialogue as always I hope you found my analysis of this topic to be interesting thanks for watching

Channel: Dr. Todd Grande

Views: 521,790

Rating: 4.8585701 out of 5

Keywords: counter-manipulation, manipulation, narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, grandiose narcissism, vulnerable narcissism, covert narcissism, shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, neurotic, shy, manipulative, blame-shifting, gaslighting, self-esteem, arrogance, self-centeredness, jealousy, special, unique, fantasy, entitlement, grandiosity, requires admiration, lack of empathy

Id: SQSg15sXdEQ

Length: 18min 15sec (1095 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/SlicingMotherFuckers]

This just teaches you how to please a narcissist. You get some influence, they like you and leave you alone but its draining. Look at strategies of war by robert greene if you want to control a narcisist. Fuck submiting.

[u/accountaccumulator]

I would like to see some information on how to influence and ultimately defeat a sociopath.