37 Minutes of Jeff Dunham - Minding the Monsters

so as I grew up I learned to appreciate all those monster things and then when I had children I taught my children that scaring and being scared was a great thing my youngest daughter Kenna when she was a little kid she was a master at scaring people and when you're scared there's one of two things that happens to you you have one of two emotions usually and it's usually fight or flight and you don't know which one you're going to do until you're actually really really scared and I've never been really really scared until my daughter started scaring me this little twer could jump out of nowhere in the middle of the darkness and like and I wasn't a flight I didn't scream like a girl and run away I started punching the worst was when I was upstairs in the master bathroom I was cleaning a toilet I had the plunger I was plunging the toilet I got finished I was walking down the hall middle of the night like this she jumped out of nowhere my first reaction was like whoa and she's like Hey Dad almost killed me with the plunger W she's laughing that little kid would hide underneath my desk in my office I had a desk that was fully enclosed when he'd sit underneath it it was a little cave under there she learned to hide under there she would sit there patiently that's what's so evil about it she would wait for 10 minutes and then reach out and grab my legs and be like she eventually learned to take a pillow with her be like what the oh now as they got older I stopped scaring them they stopped scaring me but eventually my daughters and I figured out that scaring dogs is a fun thing to do as well and one of our favorite dogs to scare is my little dog roie Rie is a 5B miniature pincher and it's great scaring little dogs because they can't do anything to you you know those candy bowls at Halloween that have the hand don't don't get ahead of me here that have the little rubber hand that sticks up when you reach into to get the candy it goes like this first couple times like oh that's really funny that is not a candy bowl that is a dog [Applause] bowl so I thought this up and the girls were at the house and I'm like girls watch this this is genius they're like what are you doing now Dad I'm just watching this is great I took the candy Bowl I poured out the candy I put a piece of hamburger in the bottom of the bowl right in front of the hand I put the bowl on the ground Ro come running in they're like Dad they're like go Dad oh my gosh this is L I'm like shut up here she comes roie comes running in she's like oh look there's a hamburger in the bowl she puts her head in the bowl back of the head Ro's looking around like what the hell who hit me I'm just trying to get the hamburger the girls are like roie goes back then she figures out it's a stupid Bowl she's pissed at the bowl now but she wants again get the damn hamburger 10 minutes later she's still trying to get the freaking hamburger unfortunately dogs learn to this day roie will not eat or drink out of a bowl that she's never metad until she does her little army crawl she'll be like this it's sad I know but I let Ro get back at people after that happened to her this past Halloween I got a shark outfit for roie we were shooting a television show I had a dressing room outside the dressing room was the hallway where everyone would walk and you could hear him coming around the corner and I would go Roy sick them she'd ran on the hallway come back in people like oh that's really cute I took the shark outfit I put it on roie tiny little shark outfit the great thing about this was when the shark outfit was on the dog you couldn't see the dog all you can see was this misshaping shark kind of reptilian looking thing it was an odd color a weird shape it had a th right here two fins out the back a thing in the in the tail and teeth and eyes it was fantastic now when you're frightened your emotions of being frighten take over but then your cognitive brain recognizes really quickly what it is that's frightening you and you calm down immediately he's like oh that's really funny when something comes around the corner at you that your brain can't recognize especially when it looks like some sort of odd reptilian prehistoric thing your lizard primordial brain kicks in and I mean 300 lb tough working guys would come walking around the corner she'd come running around the corner like this not making any noise and they'd be like what the [ __ ] is that stitch together from pieces of the Dead here to shock women into uncontrollable hysteria and strike Terror in the hearts of men it's it's alive and it's trying to sleep shut the hell up and now I'm going to build you a [Music] bride you will be [Music] terrified oh shut the hell [Applause] up this is not my idea good evening Walter do I look like Walter you look like a Walter Frankenstein well didn't call me crankenstein all right crankenstein you look good no I don't I look like a cross between Hillary Clinton and the Hulk no offense Hulk all right you don't look like either one of them yeah then I look like Gundy in a nursing home how about that that would make you Pokey get it you're an ass I got it it's pretty good yeah hadn't working on that that's my Angry sound yeah here's my happy [Applause] sound here's surprised here's gay oh if you don't like the costume then why why did you pick this one where's a folster dress is whatever scared us as a kid oh so for you that was Frankenstein actually it was a Catholic priest but but everybody gets mad when I offend the Mexicans Walter are you ever happy you should hold not why can you imagine n com out here in a good mood hi everybody I'm Walter and life is teaching you'll be working at Starbucks in a [ __ ] week why language [Applause] English and you didn't even have the course one to hear it you know wal do these people came here to be entertained not all of them you know there's a handful of guys sitting out there right now whose wives were like oh come on we had to go see them little aged dumass and his dolls and now those guys are sitting out there right now going son of [ __ ] it's a middle-aged dumbass and it's dolls and now you're playing dress up with your [Applause] dolls when's the tea party Ken middle-aged dumbass which part of that did you not like the most middle-aged or D Ass what do you think well you're only as old as you feel but D Ass is in the DNA you know speaking of age you're not exactly young anymore hey let's think about this for a second when how long has I been in the show 24 years 24 years so anybody who might is our show 24 years ago yeah I look exactly the same you do not yeah this show started out young man old man pretty soon we're going to do the stinking Sunshine boys I used to give you dating and marriage advice not too long for now we're going to be on stage comparing colon ases you know Walter age is a state of mind not when your ass starts leaking wter I thought your marriage was solid it is in a Conti kind of way but you still love each other yes the Love Changes when you get older how's that well you go from wanting to make out in a car to wanting to run over each other with a car you go from I was struck like cup the arrow to maybe she'll get hit like freaking Camaro from hold me and love me to kiss my ass and die [ __ ] oh that's awful what about life after death huh some people think that even after death you're still together for all of eternity I'm pretty sure you just told me to go to hell back to the monster stuff sure is there any particular movie that scares you yeah the film of my wedding let is under thrust I watch it backwards you get it she walks away come on you love your wife yeah I know that at our wedding when she came walking down the aisle with that giant hair and all that makeup I felt like you it's alive it's alive so have the service go well the worst part was when the minister asked if anyone objected and no one would listen to me maybe they couldn't hear you hey all right you weren't [Applause] there so what happened after the wedding she started eating cake right Non-Stop for 45 years you know what scares me now when my wife says does this thong make my ass look fat you didn't answer that right I guessed I shouldn't have what' you say I asked her if it was a thong or if her ass grew over her panties that's terrible yeah I probably should have stopped there what else did you say I said no the thong doesn't make your ass look fat your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat the thong is the [Laughter] [Applause] victim why why are you telling me this it's a horror show right let's talk about Halloween all right well that's less scary you guys still get a lot of trick-or-treaters not anymore why well well a couple years ago unfortunately my life entered the door with one of their knockers hanging out of her Rob yeah we still get thy bills from those kids did you actually say knockers yeah I guess now they're more like slappers hell she lose just right they SLO like two doggy doors oh yeah last week she did jumping jack and ended up with two black eyes then there are the teenagers who show up at your door with a sack and no costume right they just had the lunchies from smoking too much weed weed yeah you know pot I know Larry Jane right ganja The Chronic the bang cotton Blast Off the sticky yicky how do you know all this I have glaucoma feel the cold grip of his presence he sleeps in the Tomb by day and arises at night with an insatiable thirst the Troth of the vampire I fear we're dealing with a Vampire the Troth of the vampire back back oh no okay maybe but I'm not going to [Music] fluse how you doing Bubba J I'm doing word again so are you ready for this oh yeah been looking forward to it yeah yeah you look good oh yeah you look good thanks a lot you have hair I know it's a miracle it's like an arit grew on my head well I bet you didn't even recognize yourself in a mirror oh I never look in a mirror why not because in a mirror I'm backwards and it scares me it scares you yeah because I know that all mirrors are actually Windows to that world where everything they do is the opposite of us [Applause] and when they look in the mirror they see us and we're doing everything they do but backwards to them that's ridiculous I know but you can't prove me [Music] wrong and sometimes folks from that world lose their way and then somehow end up in this world they are amongst us how can you tell they're easy to slot how because they right with their left hands all right well you want to talk about why we're here tonight yeah let's do it okay are the canders on they are is it H rolling yes great quiet on the set take one you have the first line okay don't [ __ ] it up all right so um Bubba J you're a vampire yep and I've come to suck your [Laughter] beer well you look good I'm count beula and I drink blood wizer [Applause] anything else yeah I'm the white trash the Empire how's that my coffin has a gun rack really and I didit my [Laughter] cousin wait a minute you're your coffin has a gun rack everything I own has a gun rack oh my gun rack has a gun rack like coffee maker has a gun rack like dishwasher has a gun rack your dishwash waser actually I don't have the dishwasher oh my life is like dishwasher then she has a rack l j i I was wondering something yeah that happens to me a lot too what I was going to say is what happen if a vampire drinks the blood of an alcoholic that's genius I got a drug alcohol level of 3.4 I should fight myself wait if I do that I go blind no oh yeah that's something else isn't it yeah okay but that's a that's a pretty high blood alcohol level yeah drink too much of my blood and you'll end up going home with an ugly chick with a lazy eye and you won't even realize she's a he [Music] so Bubba J are you Team Edward or Team Jacob oh I'm team Jack Daniels yeah I I've seen those Twilight vampires I'm not sure about that that one lane guy he's got a six tack right yeah big deal I got a keg I'm not sure about the old kind of vampires either how's that well I could never sleep in this coffin why not well my favorite things are beer and bean dip yeah you get it huh not good when you're in a p box with no holes in it Dutch H my ass so buba J did you go trick or-treating when you were a kid yeah but where I lived it wasn't easy why it's hard to go trick-or treat where any house you're at could suddenly pull away ding dong trick or [Applause] treat he's got Milky Way shoot the tires I you look good well I was going to come dressed as a monster truck a monster truck yeah why didn't you the muffler kept falling out on my ass well like this I think you're pretty scary thanks but what scares you oh tornadoes breathalyzers and books with words I agree with you on the tornadoes yeah it's pretty scary when you get into bed and the room is thinning the wrong way think about it I don't think Dorothy's house really went anywhere she was just drunk off her ass you know buba J you kind of look like the count on Sesame Street oh that's the vampire that knows how to count right yeah that's where he and I are different so how high can you count six when I buy a 12pack I just have to trust them why you just buy two six-packs I think I hurt my drain Obama J if you were a real vampire you'd have to stay inside all day yeah what would you do I'd watch Nascar on my plasma TV oh you wait a minute you have you have a plasma TV well sort of it's a regular TV but I call it that cuz I sold my blood to get it how big is the TV 63 in that's a good one yeah the first thing I watched on it was a sad movie about a dead end Street where drunk guys struggle to find some meaning in their pathetic lives it was a half an hour before I realized I was gazing out my front [Laughter] window I love Halloween trick or drink trick or treat not on my road what do you do hand out cans of beer the D I squirt them in the mouth with a keg hose yeah that ain't no normal golden shower in a world where crime is rampant and no one was willing to make a stand there is only one you can take back the night so what is it you do Mr nut I do nothing I am rich I mean really rich want to see my car who's that get who are you who are [Applause] you [Applause] how you doing Peanut doing pretty good how about you I'm fine that's good that's good that's good so you're Batman no no no I'm batnut batnut yes bat nut not least the inure of the night is that why you're talking like that of course bat nut yes you sound more like you're the [Laughter] [Applause] choker okay shut up I do the talking you just stand there and try to look like you're doing something besides just standing there look do you really think bat nuts scares criminals of course especially if they have a nut allergy face Li honey roasted justice so it seems to me like I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a Batman and I'm standing next to a poor excuse for a white man so do you have any weapons of course that man has the that rang I have the nutter rang the nutter rang yes it does exactly what you think it does but when it comes back I don't want to catch it and I have two of them I call them the dynamic duo and I keep them near the do hole are you finished yes no more double on tandas thank you until the next one peanut don't get testicle oh come on so like Batman do you have a signal in the sky to summon you well I've been trying to figure that out first I was going to have a big bat in the sky then I thought no that's that man then I thought I know I'll have one big nut in the sky then I thought no that's lanch on strong this is ridiculous and I have everything Batman has except one thing what a butler funny oh come on dude you make a great Butler no just go with it you're that nut Butler great the nler now nler go iron my cape and disinfect my polyester that shorts I'm not going to be your butler nler whatever I'm not doing it oh it's not like like you have anything else to do what does that mean seriously what do you do when the other guys and I aren't here walk around looking for other folks to stand next to you even already have a butler name what dam oh done Han bring the N te it's time to butter the scones I could even had a little Dell ding ding I want my SCS I'm not taking orders from you you would if I did it in the voice je time to polish the nutter rang and please fluff the padding in my cup I love that voice I also like the Darth Vader voice I can do both at the same time I am your f just I do like Halloween costumes though yeah you always have a good one yeah except one year when I dressed up like a cat a cat yeah there's an unfortunate misunderstanding after love the J drink a 12 pack want to see the scratches want to see Howe scratch me no you want to see my sidekick no wait what my sidekick you have a sidekick a sidekick for batnut yep is it Jose maybe get in out look look look who are you that's my sidekick Robin Ruben da I am ruin I see so you're a superhero too see okay Jose Ruben sorry Reuben how can I help you citizen oh excellent question non-citizen so do you have superpowers see what are they I can heit you in my S or poke you in the eye if you eat me I'd learn your ass and if you mixing with that guacamole he can give you the chaa so uh Reuben are you a fan of Batman and Robin no then why are you dressed like this Senor Tina put these clothes on me I could not stop him why couldn't you stop him he doesn't have any arms [Applause] he is not that nut he is Captain a-hole hey o well I think it's a good costume I wonder Gess has something that gave me nightmares like a big play of nachos no I wanted to dress as an ugly [ __ ] why didn't you I could not find a mask that looks like your sister hey wait a minute what the hell jerk all right look so hey Jose for Halloween why don't you and your family all line up and go as a thet fence come on you know what scares Jose a deep fryer and cheese up his ass [Laughter] I know someone else who has cheese up their ass yeah who ask your mother all [Applause] right okay look as batnut sidekick do you have any responsibilities no nothing you don't even drive a car no that would be stick on stick and that's illegal in some states but Ruben you don't have any powers on vs how do you stop villains nce nce been funny if you said pepper [Laughter] spray why didn't you say pepper spray you cannot say that without moving your lips so Reuben how do you spray the bad guys well this is a familyy sh have you ever been a sidekick before no Ladi done a side dish get it a side dish with cheese for Your Love All right so look a sidekick is there in case the superhero gets into trouble see what do you do if batnut gets beat up I just laugh and then I put the video on [Applause] YouTube he gets lots of hits who's the 10 now [ __ ] greetings Savannah inel so Amman why are you dressed like this you told me to dress like the scariest thing I could think of what are you I the woman just a woman worse an American woman silence impossible What's So Scary About an American woman they can vote yeah and they can drive not the Asian ones that is incredibly racist yet it's actually correct how do you know I learned it in Cosmo Cosmo I took the quiz the quiz yes the quiz are you racist [ __ ] I see and guess what what Tada so what else scares you about American women besides everything the money the money you you marry an American woman and in no time all your money for bonds is gone she blows money on shoes I have no money to blow up the Jews W I don't mean just the Jews that are dry shoes and Jews I I could have said you know slacks and black but Jew is ther and I like black folks oh we White Chicks love it black guys I think the expression is once you go black you never go back to white guys are a medium to small animals something like that hey I see you looking at me what do you think um nice hair oh yes and I promise you the great snatch the carpet w I was talking about the beard you idiots I don't have cartet cartet well I must say your costume is is not what I expected you needed La ha right well I used to do a suicide lawn now I'm a suicide lawn show and it's easy for me to play a woman because after the explosion my land junk was never recovered I should have worn a cup a cup but a good one like the one Venus Williams wears what I love that guy and his brother so as a skeleton what did you call me a skeleton oh you're just trying to flatter me I still need to lose 10 more pounds you're all bones I know Eat Your Heart Out Angelina seriously eat something anything a [ __ ] sandwich whatever so uh what size dress is that you never ask a woman that but if you must know I am not a size zero how'd you get down to a size zero my weight loss program suicide loming what I lost 200 lb in2 seconds now I can eat whatever I want seriously it goes right through me give me a cheese lurer in a bucket well you look good no I'm not I'm bloated I feel fat I have crabs I going to cry what's wrong I don't know well look don't touch me Amed no no Amed do you dress like this often no only when I want free drinks and I right ladies someone told me yesterday I look like a Victoria Secret model really I know what their secret is what well I must say I like your pink dress fuchia you look good right can you tell I had some work done [Applause] a

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 914,569

Keywords: entertainment, comedy, humor, sketch, stand up comedy, funny, just for laughs, best comedy, best comedian, best stand up comedy compilation, jeff dunham, jeff dunham biden, jeff dunham peanut, jeff dunham achmed, jeff dunham walter, jeff dunham full show, jeff dunham bubba j, jeff dunham peanut and jose jalapeno, jeff dunham sweet daddy d, jeff dunham steve harvey, halloween, halloween songs, halloween kills, minding the monsters, LaughComedyDynamics, Laugh society, LSOLCD0006

Id: 46o6kN9QThM

Length: 37min 37sec (2257 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 02 2023