Some of the Best of Jeff | JEFF DUNHAM

[Applause] thank you thank you so much all right well this is just awesome thank you so look i know a lot of you folks here on purpose this evening you knew what the show was you purchased the tickets thanks for coming sailors were sitting home going ah there's nothing on tv let's get drunk with that puppet show so got rid of one of the giant suvs and got a [Applause] well i know some of you know what's going on this evening i have little people in boxes and uh i gotta tell you the way security is at the airports nowadays when you try and check in with a small person in your luggage [Music] they stop you most airports nowadays have these sophisticated equipment for checking your luggage they're like big mris they can check the contents the materials but some of the smaller airports don't we all know burbank airport just north of here a few miles don't have all the sophisticated stuff they still have to hand check a lot of luggage i was in line about three and a half weeks ago early one morning very crowded and most people when you get your luggage hand checked it's no big deal they might pull out your underwear like but for me they're pulling out dolls the way they decide whose luggage they're going to hand check is the complete judgment calling these guys parts they look at you and they decide and apparently i looked like a terrorist with a trunk because this server gotta look in that trunk i'm like oh crap here we go so he takes the big trunk and he puts it on top of the silver table he opens it up and the first thing he pulls out is one of my little guys peanut you'll see him a little uh my no peanuts but he pulls peanut out and he's like hey people in line are like hey and i'm like oh now they have these swabs and they swab whatever it is they're looking at they didn't take the piece of material they put it in the analyzer it then checks to see if your stuff has come into contact with anything dangerous chemicals whatever so the guy has peanut in one hand swab in the other this is all true it's too stupid to make up he could have swabbed peanut on the head on the foot no front of god and everybody swabs his butt just like that [Applause] i know it's only a pup but but i work with the guy there's a relationship here and i'm sitting there watching this and the first thing i find myself thinking is you sick bastard what the hell why are you wiping my friend's blood he then takes the swab puts in the machine shuts the door i think we're finished we start to put things away suddenly the little machine goes three more guys come out they have me up against the wall they're checking my id they're doing a background check on the internet they're going through all my stuff takes 15 minutes now we're finished everything is fine then we start to put things back and then i start to think what the hell was on peanut's butt [Music] [Applause] that labeled me the potential terrorists and this is all true and i asked the guy and he goes well that's all in the code on the computer let's see that would be a military grade plastic explosives and i go what and he goes well sometimes the machine confuses lotion for that and i went ah no there's no lotion on the puppet i've been building bombs in my garage you caught me skippy my wife and i live in l.a we uh not long ago were the proud owners of two big giant suvs and uh we decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing we got rid of one of the big giant suvs and got a prius i don't know what you're laughing at a great vehicle jump on the freeway and punch and it goes [Music] when you can drive underneath an 18-wheeler and go that is really dirty and drive back out that is just too damn small it is kind of cool when you go to the gas pump to fill up because in one tank you've driven like two or three thousand miles and you go and fill up it's like oh all done i'll be down ten cents that's amazing not used to a vehicle like this all of ours have big trucks and big suvs and the one vehicle i refuse to get rid of i've had it for 10 years it's paid for i love this thing i've taken good care of it i know it's not politically correct to drive it anymore i don't care it's the h1 hummer the real one the big one the military i love this thing it has a 38 gallon tank get seven miles to the gallon diesel where i live at its peak was three dollars and 84 cents a gallon yeah i went to fill it up that week it wasn't even empty it cost me 148 i pushed the vehicle home as it rolled into the driveway i called my kids out and i said girls look at our new front yard ornaments get the prius you suck that i used to pick priuses out of the grill of my hummer i started getting paid for doing my shows in the seventh grade and i knew that i was going to be a professional ventriloquist i needed a professional photo now my parents were supportive but they weren't going to shell out the cash for that so i thought how am i going to get a professional picture of me and the dummy taken and then it finally hit me school picture dang but i thought this was genius all i had to do was show up at school with a dummy in the suitcase stand in line when it was my turn i'd sit down put the dummy on my knees smile click professional photo and that's what i did every year from the seventh grade through the 12th grade the only trouble was they'd only take one photo and that's what ended up in every yearbook and that's why my daughters were horrified it was boy girl girl boy boy with doll girl don't believe me there's seventh grade right there there it is i'm the one on the right look at that that is justin bieber here damn it so ninth grade came along i decided to do the same thing this was the bicentennial year in our country 1976. i was a patriotic lad but i didn't want to dress like uncle sam no apparently i wanted to dress like a fourth of july picnic table cover you know the funniest thing to me about that photo is the fact that i have braces why is that funny well the rest of my life i'm going to be talking with my mouth shut so what's the point i know most of you look at these photos and thinking this is the saddest human being we've ever met do you have any friends yes i did here we are sitting in my bedroom one day so now i had about 15 minutes in my show i knew i wanted to add something else some variety i thought music yes something cool rock and roll guitar no something cooler i'll play the trombone i'm gonna let i'm gonna let this photo soak in just for a minute there is so much wrong here ladies and gentlemen let's start with the least obvious and that's my dummy up in the corner listening to me play the trombone but now let's talk about fashion shall we how did my mother even let me out of the house and this wasn't some accident on a saturday morning when i accidentally threw on the wrong clothes so this was an outfit i wore to school regularly i don't know why i didn't get beat up on a regular basis i must have gone to the store and said do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves this next photo you know my parents were supportive but every once in a while in a child's life the parents must step in and say enough is enough apparently my parents did not do this as is evidenced by this next photo and by the way there is none of these photos have been photoshopped everything is legit everything's real i promise you so that's how sad it is but this next photograph i don't remember how it happened all i know is that we went to the professional portrait studio and this was the family portrait that hung in our living room this big for years kill you you

Channel: Jeff Dunham

Views: 1,304,743

Keywords: achmed, all over the map, america's got talent, arguing with myself, bubba j, comedian, comedy, comedy special, commercial, controlled chaos, donald trump, funny, hilarious, jeff dunham, jeff dunham netflix, jeff dunham: beside himself, keel, live stream, movie trailer, netflix, netflix original, netflix special, peanut, quarantined, self isolated, spark of insanity, stand-up, stay home, together at home, togetherathome, unhinged in hollywood, walter, with me, withme, Comedy Central

Id: fSglOYLjnv8

Length: 10min 35sec (635 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 14 2020