12 Funniest Stand Up Routines of Series 9 | Live at the Apollo | BBC Comedy Greats

when I was ten my school was raising money for the local church row folks it's always the church roof I don't know what is wrong with them spending the money elsewhere it's what you're going and they go other roofs ruins but we've just installed a hot tub so praise the Lord in there we all have to do different things I mean my best friend Thomas right so do all you're going to do it's going to walk the three miles to our nearest market town while wellington boots full of custard that would have been a good idea but for one small issue right which was when preparing the custard for the wellington boots my mum didn't think that we might want it served at a lower temperature and you serve it on an apple crumble I can tell you know there are a few things in your life more terrifying and seeing a willing to boot steaming by the entrance to stars in their eyes right now that's boiling hot mum said is another challenge no that is not the challenge when did third-degree burns become the challenge if you're in a Wellington boot of boiling hot custard a few of you will you don't need to fess up now eyes similar to a hot bath with a hot bath a coaster like this that is too hot with the one into mutl boiling hot custom or like this that is too hot and suctioned on may be evil torture device brother chuckle brothers this is doubly human links meant to go in three times to break the skin on the custard Plumbly are the worst people that are lying through his potential I went into a cafe for breakfast the other day one of the things on the menu said toasted bread that is called toast even the worst foods pretend that bad they are seeing super nude was the other day on the back my first thing I said serves - that has never happened no couple has ever sat down to an evening of super noodles together I said serving suggestion I should say if you've got a bowl we will be impressed why not try adding salt with your own tears sense of serving session right why not try dicing up a chicken frying and cajun spices I'm tossing aren't you super nervous tell me why not because I'm eating super noodles if I could do that I wouldn't be going near a PAC service session why not try learning to [ __ ] there's my issue that people are bachelors incidentally bachelors as a company name that is rubbing in but I'll just call it food for the lonely were you in there I've got spinsters pasty enjoy your traffic lights just standing there watching people obey them never seen anything like it in my life because I mean we do have traffic lights in Africa but we don't use them the same way it's almost like we saw them here and just brought them over just to fit in you know the brand-new traffic lights what are they for just adds atmosphere to the intersection [Applause] people here use them I understand the cause but I see human beings there's no cars but human beings just stand there looking at the light oh it's red it's red it's red it's right and then you walk into alright what are you doing I'm walking under the man who's red Congo the man is red I can't go it's just a suggestion that's all it is doesn't mean I can't go it's just saying I shouldn't go I'm gonna go no don't go don't go don't go press the button press the button everyone Chris is Department I don't understand why anybody presses the button you press the button then someone else comes in and a person will have you press the button yeah I press the button well let me just make sure I present five times I also his Oh sir five time yeah oh that's not a 5-time 5-time the button that button doesn't do anything I've actually checked I've stood at traffic lights and waited and the button doesn't do anything all the button does is make you more patient that's one of those people get there I'm in a hurry I mean okay that's better on that higher I can wait people stand it at the traffic lights I love it everyone stands at the traffic lights and then you just look at one another everyone you see the people on the other side they look at you you look at them no one does anything cool like this is a moment you could chat you could chat to each other about the weather and stuff oh yeah I haven't seen this one today nothing everyone just stands it so what I like to do is if the moment is right if the mood is correct and there's enough people I try and wait for a moment when there's no traffic and I look at the people on the other side and then I start shouting at them like we're going into battle I stand at the front of my side of the sidewalk and I'd be like today [Music] for our children hoses will feel our pain and then nobody looks at you because they think you're crazy you just say that because now it looks like they put on your army they're standing like this I try and say the craziest things deceive anyone nobody leaves nobody I just say the craziest things last week many of us died in the Battle of Oxford Street will not be so brave and no one no one says anything knows like I don't know what's going on might but I'm not part of this oh and thank you face not my thing nobody says that nobody everyone just stands there with you like an army then the other people on us if you do it well enough they start to doubt themselves you see them outside like what's good what's good light goes green and then you charge hurry so they come with you no one stands back no one's like oh don't let him go first no they're just gone let's go what's happened to me recently on a bus hungover public transport sweating purple eye bags low free seat everyone knew I was hungover they were looking at me they knew I was hungover not because of the eye bags or the sweat but because I was holding lucozade let's get this straight now lucozade is not for sport [Applause] so the ads or his blokes a pack top off running on the treadmills why isn't a buddy connect autocracy lucozade sport no Luca sodas for the hangover that ads should just be a man on a bus crying head against the bus window the slogan lucozade by two balls if you don't work who's on the bus I think I can handle this there's no same as Pat and it's go off this bus and it I need to give this bus I thought I'll risk it I've risk I'll go upstairs go upstairs I'll go upstairs on the bus I'm gonna do something have you do I put my foot on the first step which as we all know allows the driver to know to speed up try to get up the steps on a bus is like being on an episode of takeshi's castle I got to the top of the stairs no free seats there is no moment in life you look a bigger dick than 138 people and all they see is [Applause] [Music] [Applause] obviously I'm Caucasian miss my mum's from a city in Ireland and my dad's Japanese [Music] pretty sleek last night I was too hot then the smoke alarm went off put it on snooze [Applause] then the phone went off picked it up voice said can you speak I said how did you think this conversation was going to work and I recognized the voice of my mother the very woman who taught me to speak in the first place she said listen it's your dad so that is the worst impression do you have a conversation with someone and towards the end they say well I'll let you go I think yeah thanks oh I see what you're saying and trying to make me think that you think that I've got better things to do good reality you're saying that you've got better things to do well next time someone says to I'll let you go say no shut the door if we make a sudden dive for the window grab them by their ankles they're dangling four stories over the carpark scream this will be a terrible mistake say okay I'll let you go so it turns out not all horses are Trojan horses I know that now that was a messy afternoon health and safety that's a minefield isn't it don't tell them I used to work in IKEA selling over 7,000 different items give me a number between 1 in 7,000 I'll tell you about it 8 sorry out of stock well it's not easy traveling around all the time being on the road oh no the AAA RAC green flag don't get me started but they couldn't get in weren't allowed that too much sovereign debt and France were on the door being the bouncer Frances knew you cannot come in here oh look at you shitty Greece you are too young you have too much sovereign debt you're wearing the wrong shoes go on get out of here look you have curly slippers on get out of here the goldman sachs hid their sovereign debt gave him fake ID change their shoes and snuck grease in through the back door of the club the Greeks are in now and they're excited they're inside the Nugget you know how Greeks are not like that it's exciting for Greece brilliant there on the inside and that's when they realized that Club has a German DJ that's when she started to get scary for Greece when they heard yeah - he's my euro ha [Applause] nikolay's but what this stage the Greeks were desperately trying to keep up the music down nana mouskouri your demis roussos she's my euro husbands but this stage the Greeks were slumped in the corner please I should never have been in here too much sovereign death and look curly slippers they can't get out because the Germans have locked the door the Germans dictate how fast the music goes and because they're German that's very fast indeed Germans have two speeds for their music on part and techno huh Greeks fully went in through the wrong door they could have been so happy right now one club further up so everything everything the Greeks are living on is handouts from the Germans that's hard Greece is an old culture they have their pride it's difficult the Germans give him all their money and they can tell them the things they want them to do so they can treat Greece however they want usually it's like a naughty teenager like yeah okay Greece you can have your pocket money but first you must tidy your room the Greeks like hey we invented philosophy yeah the envelops of hawks wagon ones a mercedes-benz Nikolai's shitloads of cells so tidy Oromo its back into the techno club you little [ __ ] Germans have got it this time they are on it like yeah the last two times we tried it was a little bit awkward with all of the killing of the people not at this time this time it is much better this time we just buy it was doing shows in Belgium once and I was backstage with a group of Belgian comics there were five Belgian comedians me and Michael McIntyre and I'm thinking what are you I've got nothing in common with these guys what how do you how do you start a conversation with the Belgian cause like do you like waffles it was this weirdest thing where everyone was really nervous no one knew what to say and what is the Belgian guys I can only assume out of nerves just started singing to himself under his breath in the middle of this crowded room everyone's gone quite nice one guy just went this Romeo is bleeding she can't see his blood it's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked uh-huh and then he must have suddenly realized what he was doing because he looked at me and went oh so I look back across the room and I just went it's been raining since you see all those being a fader without you octave and he just got a new look that said you're not serious I am if you are and I can't sing a love song it's meant to be and I thought I will see you and raise you my friend and I guess that's just not good anymore but baby that's just me there was a pause then everyone in the room did the chorus me five comedians and Michael McIntyre just went [Applause] [Music] [Applause] we John bonds it and it occurred to me then that Jon Bon Jovi songs may not solve the Middle East peace crisis that's worth a shot isn't it to send an invoice in the Middle East Israelis on one side Palestinians on the other just no no this land is for the Jewish people God has promised it to the Jewish people if we will never back down what about you guys no no this line is for the Palestinian people we will never back down is there any way no there is no way just pull out a microphone just wait honestly I think the Israelis would crack first this is ridiculous how can we Tommy used to work on their dog the Palestinians would have to join in this is arthritis how come Gena watch the diner Oh be on their feet lighters in the air well I mean sure they'd argue about which prayer but at least they'd be singing my free [ __ ] radar clocks her a beating like the predator I'm like oh yeah honey you better come on down get some of that cheesy goodness to Daddy because my internal monologue is from Harlem she gazed on the plane she's giving out these Cheez doodles she stops at a German gentleman that he's sat next to me who lap myself had opted to buy something for himself in the airport he'd gone for some salad concoction he looks at her she looks at him the look last no longer than a second but it is as though in that moment everything has been said it is as though the man has gone guten tag mein Herr but they must point out to you that I will not be requiring your delicious baked goods today because I have decided to instead partake in the consumption of this overly delicious salad platter of cold meats and pickled vegetables therefore it would be totally illogical and irrational for me to take from you your cheese strudel I must bid you farewell auf wiedersehen and point out how civilized sounders a pilot is his story she walks off okay she then arrives at my place she looks at me she looks at my sweaty meaty face look at the carnage on my tray table the sorted remnants of my burger king meal she smiles again and then ladies and gentlemen she moves the trolley on by oh dear oh dear oh dear where the [ __ ] do you think you're going I'm looking around my place look about me to see if there's a sign about I was not aware that I was sat in me know strudel zone like I'm a policeman that's caught a drink driver I'm right madam you better Park that vehicle up and I suggest you have a pretty damn good explanation as to what that little moment of madness was about the hell is my cheese strudel she looks at me smiling do you know she says ladies and gentlemen she goes but Sir is eating the burger is that size also a British citizen and therefore even if sir had just eaten the nicest meal of his entire life but was so full but the consumption of any more solid matter would call sir to explode across the cabin if Sir is offered something that is free so we'll take said free item even if by eating it it all makes her feel physically ill so would you kindly stop making assumptions about my dietary requirements pop that pretty little head of yours into that trolley and strudel me I tried online day in again Yeah right I didn't I was about 10 days because I thought I think online dating is a hoax man I'm sorry I think it's a biggest online hope since Nigeria got email that is some scam they're running the only people that have managed to combine the internet and dating is gay guys because they got Grindr okay let me explain some people don't know about the render okay so what is it's pretty spectacular it tells gay guys how far they are from another available gay man it's awesome I was explaining this to a friend and he was like so it's like a tracker it's not it's not tracking you're not hunting gay men there's no scene in Jurassic Park but the guys going through the jungle and then two gay guys are gonna swoop in from either side and they're like clever girl but like an Aboriginal man picking up some debris and just going hmm leather chaps rainbow flag their clothes and the guys have to be registered on the website to come up on the app you can't just suddenly start using your iPhone as the gaydar now you are fabulous so I downloaded Grindr onto my phone and as soon as I fired up there were 70 register guys within 10 meters of me you know it was like remember that scene in aliens where they're surrounded 10 meters that's in the room reading it right they mostly come out at night mostly you know people ask me all the time now so rich is everyone in America own an assault rifle is it mandatory no then why I don't know because Americans have guns well I can't to get rid of them well that'd be like trying to stop obesity by getting rid of spoons all right not gonna happen because Americans have guns and we're not getting rid of them because there's always some guy in a camouflage outfit with an ar-15 going Second Amendment says I have the right to carry that was written 200 20 years ago you prick I don't think they foresaw you were gonna own an ar-15 with a laser sight on the top and a 200 magazine quick I think they were thinking of muskets that's why they pulled a quill out of a duck's back and dipped it in ink and rode it into law I was reading I was reading a cover of a magazine in America cuz you have all these gun magazines and there's one called Guns & Ammo this is a this is a headline of the article I didn't even read the article this is just a headline which is better for a capturing a mallard kalishnikov or browning I've got a piece of bread the state of Iowa has just passed a law it's now okay to get a hunting license in Iowa if you're blind you're blind I'm pretty sure that bill was introduced by deer and pheasants so the government you know they have every opportunity to pass a gun loan what they never do they never do well away it's gonna happen again don't worry well whatever it happens it's gonna happen well we need to pass a law nope we're not gonna pass a law because of the National Rifle Association that's the the gun lobby and they just say well you know it's not our problem people go a bit nutty you can't regulate nutty well what about if some guy gets tooled up because he just watched a Batman film and then he goes off to a cinnamon shoots other people dressed as Batman characters you don't think it has something to do with violence on television no people know the difference between what they see on television and real life oh yeah then how come there's advertising no people will go out and buy insurance because a meerkat told you to do it well sitting at home watching television with my wife the other day and for those of you to have children you will know to even get to a point we are able to watch what you want to on television is a bloody miracle right you've got to do what these little shits want to do first right and on this particular day they wanted to watch Disney DVDs I just about managed to convince them to not watch Finding Nemo now I know that sounds mad because Finding Nemo is a great film I've seen people of fans have it in here this fish goes along and saves his son it's wonderful heartwarming unfortunate when you have children that film is ruined right because I'm watching Finding Nemo now and I'm thinking to myself I mean he told Nemo repeatedly to stop pissing around right because me wouldn't listen he's gonna go [ __ ] across the other side of the world to go and game the end of the film Nemo's dad supposed to learn a lesson about chilling out piss off it's almost erecting that film Nemo would have got kidnapped is that would have got I told you little prick enjoy the fish tank [ __ ] and then the sink would have been called grounding Nemo anyway we didn't watch Finding Nemo we watched Beauty and the Beast it's a classic I'm watching this film I'm thinking this ain't right either got a story of Belle who falls in love with the Beast looks beneath the surface falls in love with a person underneath he turns into a prince they live happily ever after I can't help thinking the message from this film seems to be look beneath the surface fall in love with a person beneath and hopefully they will undergo some sort of major reconstructive surgery that will enable you to bring yourself to sleep with him in southeast London a family not that keen on a move and their spit rough get lot geezers lot of lads they love fighting and they're the kind of lads you've seen these lads on a night out there kind of lads it don't stand out your words to each other oh nice just I wanna stab do once 48 hours never said a word it's not pinger in it o generation the kids watch too much pingu don't know any actual words dad sake me dad's a bit of an old school Pingu lads me dad he's always lived in southeast London dad not always is that Highlander just born there I like ringing it overs Oh cuz like you have mum chat and dad chat Joline all wrong I've never week I was going to the Reading Festival right to do a gig there and I spoke to Mum casick mum chat I what you doing there what time you are owe me your way if they're taught me bad I was going read in he just went 25m for I love dads they love it you don't even care what I'm doing there we're doing a motive and prostitutes as long as you're on time sound okay a convict in our ass but no one who's light yeah my dad was a lorry driver now as a taxi driver he knows all the roads I don't know any roads I've got sat-nav I don't need to know roads yeah all I need to know is wherever the blue arrows go in I'm going with him they didn't have says sat-nav goes yeah and he tries skimming routes and after pretend to know the routes for like a proper Sun like they're bonding I mean right here what we want to do is take the lower road I didn't even know as a higher road what is this play your cards right they're just trying to get the red in he's like do a left do a rock follow it around what the road choose for that was gonna stay still on it it's giving more directions left right left on your belly you're an igloo so it's beginning to close controls one you're now in a deep level of trunk [Applause] gadi talk I don't know I untaught it through we're gonna try it again how's it going to be different this time they're strong I want you to retain the cause of your crane where I reside keep that awake okay and then you go to sleep I'll try okay all right I'm ready so what do I do three your ceiling tired okay - your eyes are closing one you're in a trance don't lose me don't lose me testing one two three okay we're cooking with gas now earlier you said you couldn't sing well that doesn't mean I can't so now I've got you in a compromising position like I take advantage if you can hear me I'd like you to raise your finger no not on this hand you idiot Oh God on your hand without the monkey on it okay good all right we're ready I'm gonna sing can I have track one please I'd like to sing an aria [Music] yes she's quite ambitious not sure she's up to it let's see if I can do it [Music] DRO artist [Music] from on Dardis well there's no thurible please Lina reasoning ongoing I need more earthy [Music] thank you very much

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 2,048,000

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, josh widdicombe, trevor noah, sean walsh, milton jones, marcus brigstock, romesh ranganathan, adam hills, andi osho, rich hall, jack whitehall, rob beckett, nina conti, live at the apollo series 9, live at the apollo, nina conti live at the apollo, jack whitehall live at the apollo, romesh ranganathan live at the apollo, adam hills live at the apollo, trevor noah live at the apollo

Id: R3FDoW565Lc

Length: 31min 49sec (1909 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 03 2019