How to Stop Being a People Pleaser without Feeling Guilty

I remember when I used to feel like it was my job to make sure that everyone was happy that everyone's needs were met that everyone was having a good time and if they weren't then it was my fault and my job to fix it and mine alone if you've ever felt that way if that's ever been something that you've gone through then you my friend like I did are probably struggling with people-pleasing and not that being there for other people and looking out for other people and taking care about of other people is a bad thing but we're going to talk about the difference between being a kind and caring person and being a people pleaser which is not a good thing and is not good for us I'm going to talk to you about why it's actually really not even good for our relationships so stay tuned this is a good one and a needed one for a lot of us if you're new to me and this is the first time you're here my name is Julia Kristina I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and an online course creator of a master's degree in counseling psychology and I work to help heart centered go-getter men and women break through fear and self-doubt so that they can love and connect with who they are and step into their power and the truth is if you have struggled with people-pleasing than you have often felt powerless in your life that you have felt like your wants your needs your preferences your thoughts your ideas your opinions who you are in a lot of ways doesn't matter that it's always about everybody else and the truth is is this comes from this need to be needed and this need to be liked now in all fairness I think it's okay to say that most of us like to be liked hands up if you like to be liked you can even put in the comments section below yep I like to be liked I think that's probably a universal thing but the difference between being a caring kind compassionate respectful person and a people-pleaser is that there is this need to be liked that you have to like me and I will do no matter what it takes to get you to like me I will push down Who I am I will pretend to be someone else I will numb out and ignore my own wants needs preferences thoughts ideas or opinions just to be who I think you want me to be in order for you to like me and if we're gonna call it something instead of calling it people-pleasing I think it's more appropriate to call it people misleading and that might be hard to hear because sometimes we think like oh yeah I'm a people pleaser as this this it's just something to be a little bit ashamed of but also kind of proud of because like look at me I'm pleasing everyone around me and I'm making everyone else happy and that's a great thing and that makes me a good person but I'm gonna burst a bubble here because people-pleasing is people misleading we are misleading people into thinking we are someone we are not because we are needing them to like us we're pretending to be something or someone else and that's misleading them that's not being authentic that's not being truthful that's not being who we are which also if you are somebody who considers yourself a people pleaser like you tend to get stressed out and worked up and overwhelmed with trying to make sure that everybody else is happy even if it means that you push yourself aside that you ignore yourself that you disrespect yourself but you are making sure everyone else is good you might often even still find yourself feeling really lonely and disconnected and you can't figure out why because you're like well there's all these people who like me I'm the go-to person I'm the person everyone relies on and counts on because I'm always there for everyone so why do I feel so lonely why do I feel so disconnected and the reason is because we are not allowing people to connect and like and value who we really are we are we are kind of tricking them misleading them into liking this version of ourselves this this made up this often times pretend and even totally fake version of who we are because we're saying what we want people we think we people want to hear we're doing what we think people want us to do even if it's totally out of alignment with who we are and what we are and why we are and how we are so we are misleading which can cause us to feel lonely and disconnected and there's other costs to this people pleasing people misleading as well that we're going to talk about and we're also going to talk about how to turn it around so the first thing I want you to do when you notice yourself feeling like you have to say yes and you can't say no or you can't stand up or speak up in an uncomfortable situation is to get curious why do I feel like why my wants needs preferences feelings don't matter where is this coming from did I grow up with a parrot or someone close in my life who I felt like I had to be something or someone that they wanted me to be in order to get their love that their love was conditional that their love was dependent on me being a certain way to meet their needs their love was unstable their love was unpredictable and I had to pretend and perform in order to get that love do I need to keep doing that as an adult am I allowed to now choose relationships where there is a back and forth where there is a give-and-take where both people matter and if I am in a lot of relationships where I feel like that person will legitimately reject me or hate me or discard me or get so mad at me if I ever speak up and stand up then maybe it's time to either make new friends or have a bigger conversation with that person and figure out if we can work this one out because that is not okay so getting curious why do I feel like I don't matter is it possible that I do could it be that I count just as much as anyone else the next thing build your sense of self-worth from the inside because what a lot of us are doing is we are getting all of our self-worth from the outside now in all fairness having relationships and being connected to other human beings is an essential part of who we are we are hardwired for connection it's not like that pop psychology or those pop likes help-help stuff that say like only take care of yourself and only look out for you and you're the best and all these kinds of things as long as you're taking care of nothing else matters because other things do matter relationships do matter there are almost 7 billion people on this planet for a reason it's because we weren't meant to do this alone so absolutely relationships are essential for our happiness and well-being but our relationship with ourselves is one of those things too and so building our relationship with ourselves from the inside out because what's happening is when we are people-pleasing I'm gonna go as far as to say is you have a crappy relationship with yourself because you cannot have a good relationship with someone who is being dissed who is disrespecting you and neglecting you and putting you aside and brushing you off and ignoring you you cannot have a good relationship with someone who does that to you and that is what you were doing to yourself with this people-pleasing the you are pushing yourself down so you need to work on having a better relationship with yourself what makes sense for me how can I like me and trust that other people will like me for being me because the truth is often those people are well not often always they are watching for our cue on how we treat ourselves to decide how they are going to treat us so if we are disrespecting and neglecting and taking ourselves for granted and and not paying attention to us then they are gonna do the same thing they're gonna disrespect us they're gonna take us for granted they're gonna mistreat us because they're following our our lead so trusting that as I build my relationship with myself it will actually make me able to have better healthier more genuinely connected relationships with other people because like I talked about before we will not be misleading them we will be showing up authentically and having authentic relationships so building our sense of self-worth from the out from the inside building our relationships our relationship with ourselves is key and the other part of that is too is that if someone is disappointed in us or if they are upset with us the whole world is not going to come crumbling down because it's not like that's all I have oh wait I still have a relationship with myself I still Know Who I am and if someone doesn't like something about me that's not going to make everything come crumbling down and I'm gonna be the shell of my person because I'm like okay you can disagree or you could not like that or you can be irritated nor annoyed by that but that doesn't make me a terrible awful horrible person because I know I am NOT the next one is to get clear on your top priorities when you know the things that are most important to you then you are less likely to let other things kind of come in and derail or derail those priorities when you really outline like actually sit down and outline what are my top priorities what are the things that are most important to me because what can happen with people-pleasing is we all have goals and we all have dreams and we all have ideas and we all have stuff that we want to do that is important to us like working on this course or or taking on this work project or actually taking time to be with ourselves to to exercise to get outside that we have these commitments and these things that we want to do these commitments to ourselves and these goals and these dreams that we have but it's kind of just hearsay we just kind of stay it we don't really respect it we're not actually like focusing on it we're not actually outlining it and like laminating it and so when a request comes in when somebody else is I you know when needs come in then we're all applaud all of a sudden just say oh yes and we just put ourselves aside and end up ending the day or ending the week feeling frustrated discouraged resentful and depleted and angry that again we didn't move forward on things are important to us because we let everything else get in the way of that everyone else's stuff can get in the way of that writing it down what are my top priorities even just like sticky noting it laminating it putting it on your phone and when someone asks you something looking at that list and saying okay if I say yes to this what am I saying no to if I'm making this commitment to this person what commitment am I going to be breaking to my self so getting clear on those top priorities the next one and this is a huge one is making a let me get back to you rule so for those of us who tend to say yes right away without thinking and reflecting or actually looking and end up by the end of the day having a week that is jam-packed because we've said yes to every request or or thing that has come across our desk or come into our inbox or or come onto our into a text message from a friend or from co-workers from family we're saying yes to everybody and sometimes it is things that we actually want to do you know in all fairness oftentimes the things that come up that we say yes to is stuff that we like that would feel good that we would enjoy but we end up having these jam-packed schedules and just feeling like okay I just need to get through the day I just need to get through the week and we're just getting through and we're not actually enjoying because we're just trying to get through it because we've got all this stuff so if that as you you end up finishing the you know looking at starting the day or the week being like holy crap how am I gonna get through it I feel like you're just getting through then you need to make I'll let me let me get back to you rule first thing you say when someone asks you to do something let me get back to you you actually do take a step back look at your calendar look at your week look at your plans look at what else you've committed to and ask yourself what is actually reasonable what is gonna cause me to end the day or in the week feeling good not feeling depleted and worn out and rate run down to the bone what is gonna allow me to start the day or start the week looking at saying oh I've got a great week ahead I am excited let me get back to you the next one is to when you first start having boundaries and saying no and speaking up start with safe people start with people who you know are going to be understanding who aren't going to write you off or scream at you or reject you or get all in a fluff about it start with those people so tell us right now in the comments section below who is one person that you know that you can have healthy boundaries with that you know they're going to start with that you know that this relationship will be able to bear the weight of you showing up more authentically as yourself tell us who that person is or even just let us know yep I have a person in mind and that's the person I'm going to start with let us know in the comments section below start with someone safe and work your way up it's going to feel a lot easier which brings us to the next one to make sure you are getting support make sure you have someone that you can call when you're like oh my gosh I just said no or I just you know ask them to ask someone else or I just you know did this even though I know that person's not gonna like it very much but I needed to do it and it feels really uncomfortable have someone that can support you and I really emphasize this in my healthy boundaries boot camp program that one of the biggest things that makes this program so transformative is the community of people who are in the program together who are talking in our Facebook group everyday who are giving support and able to talk about things that are struggling with so they're not doing it alone because moving through this people-pleasing stuff is hard it's not easy it's upsetting the fruit basket you're doing something different you're throwing off the balance so getting that support and having somewhere you could go to talk about this stuff when you're going through it is huge and the next one and this is huge this is so important and I know some of you are gonna not do very well at this one I know some of you are going to be tempted to not be the best at this one be patient with yourself you have to be patient with you some of you people are gonna be like well I'm you know I like I started to set boundaries and and and then I back slid and they said no but anyway back and said yes cuz they're still not so uncomfortable or you know I should have said something but I didn't and I stock I'm no good like I can't do this what's wrong with me you're gonna be hard on yourself don't do not do that be patient with yourself rome wasn't built in the day and moving through people-pleasing and being more of who you are in trusting that that is enough wasn't built in a day either be patient with yourself be kind to yourself and I want you to commit to this this is such a huge one commit to this in the comment section below Julia I commit to being kind and patient to myself in this process because this is no small order this is a big deal this is not easy okay make that commitment don't make it to me make it to yourself if there's people-pleasing stuff is something that you really do struggle with and you don't really know how to say no and don't really know what's going on and you have a hard time moving through this I have a free workshop for you and hopefully by the time you're watching this video registration will still be open but I have a free workshop called how to get people to stop treating you like crap because sometimes it can really feel that way we're trying so hard to be everything to everyone meet everyone's needs that people still don't treat us very well so how to get people to start stop treating you like crap I'll leave the information for the workshop in the comments or sorry in the description below you can click that link join us for this workshop it's free it's awesome I do not hold back you are gonna come out of there with some huge mindset shifts and feeling a whole lot better make sure you register so good to have you here great to connect with you and until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 163,369

Keywords: stop people pleasing, how to stop being a people please, the disease to please, co-dependency recovery, stop being co-dependent, give yourself permission to say no, how to say no without feeling bad, kate maree o'brien, how to stop being manipulated by others, boundary setting, julia kristina, things secure people do, what secure people do, things secure people dont do, how to stop being manipulated with guilt, how to stop being a people pleaser

Id: 2fUiWlh7jW0

Length: 17min 28sec (1048 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 27 2018