You May Laugh to Death (2 Hours Reddit Compilation)

when was your biggest i should not be laughing moment this is my father's story he was kneeling in the front row with his brother-in-law at said brother-in-law's father's funeral my dad noticed that his father had a black eye and quietly asked him about it he responded he wouldn't get in the dang box he said they were both crying trying to hold in the laughter at a funeral the cated food was exceptionally tasty my dad leans over and says man he should die more often hardest i've ever tried to keep a straight face reminds me of the funeral i recently went to family was eating at the reception and this dude starts choking i think he inhaled a crumb of cake and a cousin leans over and whispers in his ear it's okay if you die here they got a place for you out back and the guy started laughing which only made him choke harder in the indian culture when the girl gets married usually after the religious stuff and the reception is over the girl goes back to her family's house and they send her off to the new family in an emotional scene everyone is crying hugging sending well wishes this cousin of mine wasn't really popular among the cousins and while she was being sent off in the car the brothers push away the car from the driveway one of my cousins said get the frick out of birmingham i could not stop laughing for the life of me i know when she looks back at the wedding videos she's going to be pee off my grandpa had been on hospice care for about a month and was in his house we were having a family party there and it was apparent that he wasn't going to make it much longer so with everyone gathered around him my grandma whispered it's okay you can go to him he slowly passed away minutes later my whole family was kind of standing around processing what just happened when my little cousin about five years old says we still get to eat cake right that's actually kind of sweet i hope your grandma took it well a couple of years ago my father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 50 he died at home and was not able to be revived from paramedics due to formality he had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance and the family was able to say goodbyes spend time with him before the funeral home came i will never forget growing up my dad used to joke around and say always make sure you put on clean underwear and matching socks before you walk out the door you never know if you will be hit by a bus and you don't want people to see your dirty jitch i think it was more a way to give us crap about putting on clean clothes long story short when i seen him lying on that table in a state of shock i lifted up the sheet over him and peeked at his feet i started to laugh hysterically the rest of the family just stared waiting for some reply i said he wore clean socks but i'm not checking his underwear my sister was the only one who got a joke and she too started laughing in my mind i knew my dad would have got to kick out of it that is amazing you know besides the part about your father dying while trying to teach two elderly nervous japanese ladies english and they have to make the sentence i take my recycling to the dump from a collection of words or add remove words i can't quite remember i dump i take dump i take my dump home frick i had to bite myself several times to hold it together i was at awake for a friend's grandmother out of nowhere i hear someone across the hall yell who the heck pooped and the vcr player i lost it i have no idea if someone actually did or if it was a funeral home worker or what but the randomness of it made me laugh uncontrollably for a solid couple of minutes i was surprised i was the only one everyone else was talking softly or crying i was laughing loudly and uncontrollably that line was definitely enough to wake you up my husband and i went to the wedding of one of his co-workers before the ceremony a teenage girl got up to sing a song i don't remember which one probably wind beneath my wings or something and it was real bad everyone was standing and watching this and i noticed my husband fidgeting next to me he's putting his hands in his pockets and then taking them out and crossing them over his chest i look over and he whispers to me i don't know what to do with my hands it was my breaking point everything happening was so awkward and i suddenly couldn't stop laughing i felt horrible but i couldn't help it my grade 6 teacher was telling a story that involved a student pee themselves after falling asleep at their desk i started laughing because i still wet the bed at the time and thought it was supposed to be funny it was too late to stop once i realized nobody else thought it was funny so i committed to it and just belted out laughter got kicked out of class and a lecture saying how insensitive it was because there might be kids struggling with wetting the bed in our class it was embarrassing i took a speech class my freshman year of college the final was a 10-minute presentation about anything you had interest in there were a lot of foreign students in the class and this on asian girl gave her speech on ice cream i kid you not her axe and turned ice cream into butt cream as cliche as could be and i had to keep my cool for the whole presentation vanilla bus cream neapolitan butt cream but cream bars even the professor was having a hard time not laughing when i saw titanic in the theater with my first girlfriend i burst out laughing at the end there's this guy who hits the rail and bounces into the water in a very comedic way complete with sound effects or at least that's how i remember it i admit the bowling may not have actually been there the academy award for the best supporting role of all time goes to that guy that hit the propeller my friend got his phone stolen what made me laugh the most was that when he lost his phone he casually said oh my phone but then puts his face into his hands oh my case my scratch proof case i nearly died of laughing a friend's family kept various items outside in their shed as you do one day their shed collapsed they all looked at each other stunned and then almost in unison shouted the turkey fryer i was working on a stroke ward and we hoisted a lady over a bedpan to crap the ward was silent but her crap was loud almost as loud as her grown of relief when she let it all out i couldn't handle it and had to leave it was that part of a long day during a long week where you're starting to feel crazy i was laughing so hard elle was crying luckily for me the patient had severe hemianopia and was registered deaf so she didn't give a dang i was laughing because she didn't know another lucky stroke was that my educator at the time was a chilled out a relaxed fellow and gave me a telling off instead of failing me i'm 26 and fart noises and poo still make me laugh like a school boy another lucky stroke get a load of this guy i broke out laughing after my dad's funeral he was about to be carried out of the church and i leaned into my mom and said you remember the movie fatso with james coco would it be bad if the casket fell and dad rolled out we both laughed as dad liked the movie and found that scene quite funny the priest looked at us and we explained he had seen the movie and smiled priests are used to funerals they're much more down to earth about death than regular people are my husband and i got news that his uncle ted had died my husband said ted's dead baby ted's dead i went into convulsions with laughter i don't know what was more inappropriate me laughing or him quoting from pulp fiction all right so a couple years back me and my family all decide to go see a movie together and we settle on some new boxing movie with sylvester stallone it didn't look good but then again i wasn't paying so i might as well go the movie was as boring as expected but when we started getting up to leave the theater darkens again some random logo pops up so we sit down again then some slow almost sad sounding song starts playing along with a photo reel of two people some pictures only have the one it's a guy and a girl neither of which are attractive at all at random places mostly in our crappy town due to the sad music and the 2006 windows movie maker editing quality my family and i sat laughing our collective asses off at what we figure is either an attempt to get back together or a crappy missing person's ad then the music dies down and the will you marry me pops up on screen then the guy gets out of his chair and pulls out a ring about two or three rows directly below us to top it all off when i went to the bathroom after i bumped into the guy and he gave me the dirtiest glare he could master all in all it was a very awkward experience set right after the least romantic movie you could think of a 10 stroke 10 would do again challenged gay boy broke into a rousing remix of amazing grace and moving on up and my best friend's funeral we laughed so hard the ambulance was called because my other best friend had an asthma attack i've told this before but here it goes i was in my freshman year of college when my mother died in the most unexpected and tragic way when i was at her funeral this old kind of goofy cousin of hers was sitting behind me in church he's a big guy probably in his 60s and i suspect he might not be operating at full capacity if you know what i mean i had met him only once before so it's not like he is close to my family in any sort of way but he's just an odd character so he's sitting right behind me and the choir starts singing this dupe then thinks it's a great idea to start singing along and i mean full-blown pavarotti type high volume singing no one else was now this was so outrageously hilarious that i couldn't help it i put my head down and started laughing uncontrollably my sister next to me started comforting me because she thought i was crying she puts her arm around me and rubs my arm while whispering it's okay by this point i was covering my face hoping no one realized that i was laughing hysterically the muffled sounds probably seemed like crying due to the context but i was laughing at my mother's funeral that stupid moment actually made that crappy day a little bit better at my grandmother's funeral you know how they talk about the stages of mourning well i'd already gone through the crying stage by the time the funeral rolled around i just didn't feel that emotional at all when there were speeches being made i wasn't paying attention and my mind was drifting off elsewhere i burst out laughing when i remembered a video i'd seen earlier that day it was one quick burst and then i tried my best to cover it up stifling a few chuckles here and there the person making a speech at the time noticed this as well as a few people around me he looks directly at me and into the microphone says how dare you it was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life after the speech is finished i had to leave just to avoid seeing the old man that called me out he looks directly at me and into the microphone says how dare you hearing something like that would make me laugh even harder back when i was a hospital guard a psych patient was brought in by the cops who looked exactly like one of the other two guys on my team same haircut and color same moustache same nose and bone structure he was just a lot messier because he was a very disturbed person it was dumb but it had been a slow day and i found this to be really really funny we got called in to stand by in his seclusion room while the doctor interviewed him the other dude was standing directly across from me while the guy was being interviewed about extremely serious psychological and drug problems my eyes kept darting between this guy and the other guard and i just started giggling uncontrollably for like the 20 minutes of the interview i kept having to pinch my leg to try and keep it in check and kept failing i'm pretty sure the guy thought i was laughing at either his schizophrenia or his h addiction at any given time obviously the doctor and nursing staff were freaking pee i am surprised i was allowed to keep my job after that meanwhile that poor guy is freaking out wondering if anyone else sees the other him in the room a little girl in my hometown had cancer and there were massive fundraisers for her for years the day she died my co-worker said i want my money back and i laughed so hard i almost lost my job you did the only natural thing that comment was funny as heck i have an uncontrollable urge to laugh at the most inappropriate times when i was in english class the new kid sat next to me and i asked if he was okay cause he seemed upset he said my auntie died two weeks ago i bursted into laughing and i couldn't stop i think not because of that but it was just so random and unexpected as i was already in a great mood eventually he started laughing cause i was laughing then someone asked why we were laughing and we said because his auntie died were good friends now i'm glad this had a good ending when i was 10 my eight-year-old cousin thought he'd teach me how to control dogs so he took a stick and started whipping his two australian cattle dogs with impunity soon the two dogs started to attack him and as he began crying and screaming i couldn't stop laughing i crawled up on top of a car and laughed until i cried his mom called me a monster but i to this day believe it was he who the monster be it definitely was he who the monster be the following scenario was by far the strongest i have ever had to try in my life not to laugh so i work the front desk at a hotel a woman comes to check in and has her son with her who is mentally disabled he looks to be about 10 years old but with an obviously lower than normal intellect and mental age he has a stuffed horse with him that he is lovingly clutching when he walks in he proceeds to quite calmly go over and obediently sit on the couch while his mother comes to the desk i start to go about the process of checking her into the hotel when suddenly the sun calls for his mom's attention he starts yelling mom look look look in his underdeveloped manner of speaking i just happened to oh god i should have kept my eyes down look up to see that the boy has taken his stuffed horse and is making it hump the arm of the couch this is pretty funny but i'm an expert at this and i maintain composure and keep moving along checking her in the mother has ignored him so far and has not noticed his stuffed horse doing the nasty with the furniture yet it's at this point that he yells out mom mom look he's doing what you told me not to do he's doing it mom what you told me not to do i'm absolutely breaking at the seams now my mouth is twitching trying so hard not to laugh he continues the stuffed horse now being made to hunt that couch ever more furiously mum look is he gonna get in trouble he's doing it not me he's doing that bad thing remember that thing you told me not to do i snapped i could no longer hold it in and i just burst out laughing uncontrollably his mother had actually not yet turned around to acknowledge what he was trying to show her so as of yet had no idea when i finally burst out laughing she turned and was obviously horrified she turned back to me with a face as bright red as a fire engine and hurriedly got her room's keys and ushered him away as swiftly as possible paul while the sun is still asking her if the stuffed horse is going to get in trouble like he did i felt so bad for laughing and for her embarrassment but that was just too much about a month ago i a medic got called to a guy that got hit by a car he was hit so hard his pants came halfway off he was obviously dead but we had to hang around for the coroner when he showed up he rolled the guy on his belly to put the cadaver bag under him i saw something on his butt and turned on my flashlight to see just as i figured out what it was the coroner yells it sure scared the crap out of him my whole crew had to turn away so the news crew couldn't record us laughing my wife is currently in the last stage of her pregnancy and her emotions have been all over the wall but sometimes i burst out laughing when she says does something irrational this infuriates her even further which makes me laugh even harder it's a vicious snowball effect and i am unsure as to how she has not killed me yet oh she won't kill you but she'll train the newborn to do one thing my then girlfriend gave a speech in the university student elections which she lost badly in and ended it with an ember name lyric she is as pale as a ghost and it didn't fit her character even one bit it wasn't even a good line i couldn't help burst out laughing when she said it never gotten a more intense deep stir in my life my great-grandmother's funeral i was a pallbearer after we set the casket down and before it was lowered into the ground we took off our white gloves and laid them on the casket i still don't know how it happened but both of my gloves had the middle fingers sticking up my cousin saw it first and started cracking up within seconds about one stroke four of the guests lost it two the rest gave us dirty looks as the casket was slowly lowered into the ground giving us all the final frick you was at my aunt's funeral sit and die at the coffin doing the whole stare at a dead body thing when she leans over and whispers bra eins i had to leave the funeral home don't feel bad at my grandfather's funeral me and my cousins who loved him dearly are staring at his own and making modestly priced receptacle whispered comments from big lebowski and giggling in between tears people were staring at us because we were in the front row and couldn't help but be overheard i'm a busty girl my cousin's baby boy who was breastfed kept reaching for my chest during the visitation at my grandmother's funeral at one point he stared directly at my tea looked at his mother and grinned we were all freaking dying when my cousin was a baby he was probably used to sleeping with his head on his mom's chest my aunt has very large boobs one day my mom was holding my cousin and i burst out laughing when i saw him grab at my mom's boobs and began moving them around as if he were attempting to fluff up a pillow in early high school we went on a field trip led by a teacher everyone strongly disliked we were visiting a dairy farm as he lectured us on the realities of life on the farm as he did so he stepped right into a fresh cow flop which went up and over his shoes down into his socks and made a squishing sound as he walked along red in the face we all tried not to laugh but being right behind him i couldn't help but laugh when i heard the cow dung squishing with every step he took i thought sure i was going to get into trouble but somehow he let it pass without comment just a look that said it all that's why you always wear muck boots or walk on a catwalk my brother and i got giggling and couldn't stop at the funeral showing after my stepdad died something about the casket having a freshness seal what can i say we use laughter to deal with grief to be fair putting a freshness seal on a casket to never be opened again is kinda silly my husband's grandfather passed away and we were at the funeral my daughter was four at a time and loves music we rarely attend church so she doesn't really understand the nuances and pauses in a service when the music stopped she stood up and enthusiastically started clapping and cheering everyone looked over at us horrified my husband and i both busted out laughing i just couldn't help it i can't believe i didn't think about this until just now but two days ago i was at an outdoor concert and i went early to ensure i got the best spot i'm standing there at the barricade and a staff worker proceeded to trip drop her coffee drop her caseless iphone screen first with both her and her phone landing in the coffee which she spilled she got up and started walking away while wiping off her phone to make sure it was okay completely blind to the fact there was a ledge in front of her she fell again and i couldn't hold in the laughter i'm positive she heard me she's dead now i have a macaw and parrots don't normally like pooping where they sleep so when we wake him up in the morning the first thing he wants to do is go out to his perch to take a massive dump one morning i carry him out there and put him on his perch he's half awake and starts shuffling over to his usual spot he then scares himself by bumping into a paper bag that he forgot was there screams awkwardly falls flaps to the ground and then poops himself you most certainly should have been laughing i fricked up thanksgiving two years ago every year our family reads a poem before sitting down to eat and last year was my first time the two last lines of poem go something like as we sit down to feast away we'll always be grateful for this thanksgiving day i decided to replace the last line with as we sit down to feast away we'll always be grateful that stuart my brother is gay i've never seen such a look of disappointment on my mom's face i very quickly realized how stupid i sounded so i sat down put my head on the table and apologized for being a [ __ ] surprisingly they let me read a game this year and that's how stuart got outed to grandma okay for some weird reason my brother and i could not stop laughing when we had to go pick out the casket for our mother's funeral in all fairness my brother started it our other older brother and sister were with us and they kept looking at us too like behave the funeral director was this tall pale skinny guy in an ill-fitting suit the pants of which were a good two inches too short he was acting way too schmaltzy and speaking in dulcet tones he took us into this room sat down at his desk and there was a light switch behind him with a red light my brother and i looked at the light switch and then at each other well that made us both start giggling and that pee off our older sister then the director guy pressed the light switch and i swear a door panel opened up into this huge room the size of a gym full of caskets this totally set us off we tried to one-up each other every minute or two we walked past a bronze casket and my brother said do you have any gold caskets our mother liked gold i interrupted and said when mom had her colors done they said she was a winter that means she can be buried only in silver tones as we walked past an especially hideous pink casket i blurted out she if we buried her in that our older sister and brother who were acting all were so mature fell out laughing and my sister said she's already dead then we laughed again really loud and snorty and the funeral director looked nervous as heck geez it made me wonder if no one had ever laughed there before i don't remember what casket we finally picked out but mom didn't clash with it whatever it was oh in case you're wondering we loved mom like crazy she laughed at weird occasions all the time with us it was sort of poetic that we laugh like that when she died my english teacher was telling a story about some guy that had accomplished so much and then he ended the story with and then he got brain people in stock photos what's the weirdest way you've seen your photos being used not me but my best friend he did a photo shoot and some construction worker garb and a hard hat we live in north carolina usa i'm on a business trip in chicago and i stopped by a walmart for some supplies i'm in the men's work clothes aisle and there's my buddy prominently on the wrapping of 50-ish packages of work shirts it was a weird wait where am i moment i knew he did some modelling but not specifics i sent him a pic he had no idea it had been used the guy is in every walmart in the country and had no idea dang he famous my cousin took a photo of me wrestling my sister at a family reunion a few years back and it somehow wound up on an online forum about domestic abuse i had a few of my friends messaging me who were obviously very confused lol i'm on the opposite end i'm a graphic designer so i spend a lot of time on stock photo sites and i have so many questions some of the photos i've seen there's no possible context that would make sense for them to be used anywhere commercial photographer here i looked into doing stock at one point and the advice that was given was to shoot anything and everything as long as it's high res and good quality somebody out there is likely to use it that's my guess as to why there's so many weird stock photos out there it's just a numbers game for some photographers my family did a stock photo shoot when our kids were young like one and three a picture they took on our porch ended up in the opening credits for the americans my ex used to work with a local photographer who is apparently pretty well known he took a photo of me and my family and now it's a permanent piece of the new mexico museum of art in santa fe so strange i wonder how many people's houses i'm in i don't live too far from there now i kinda wanna search for that picture next time i go my friend was in a stock photo where he held up a baby picture and it got used for an anti-circumcision ad campaign was pretty shocked when i saw his face on the side of a bus i'm legitimately in tears laughing at this it's just so absurd to see your friend's face on the side of bus being anti-circumcision in the military some cameramen tagged along on a mission like four years later i saw footage of me in a gun turret on the news i guess news broadcasters often times just play generic combat footage and photos that look middle easterly enough and rightly assume nobody will notice that the shots were taken months or years before the actual incident they are talking about i did a stock photo shoot about 10 years ago and my photos show up in the weirdest places three ex-boyfriends have texted me out of the blue after my stock photo showed up in their work training modules someone in my senior capstone class used my photo in their class presentation and didn't realize it was me until everyone kept awkwardly looking at the screen and looking back at me every so often my face pops up in a sassy black lady meme paired with text like devil don't try me today or to bless her to be stressed type our men if you agree the weirdest in my opinion my mom decided to join some crappy mlm makeup company because she was flipping through their catalogue and saw that they had used one of my old stock photos as one of their makeup models i was very obviously not wearing their makeup in the photos and my stock photo didn't match any of the other models photos basically whoever designed the catalog was like oh snap we need some diversity in here but they were too lazy to actually hire another model so they just grabbed a stock photo of a black chicken called it today the strange thing is that my mom joined the company because my photo was in the catalogue but she had to have known that i wasn't wearing the company's makeup because she personally did my makeup for that stock photo shoot five plus years earlier i'm in an ad campaign in my home state in australia for the government i'm the face of don't buy alcohol for underage people it's just me looking like a dad who's thinking of buying a drink obviously for a teenager somewhere ironically i don't actually have my own kids i get emails from people i haven't heard from in years saying i saw you on the wall of the bottle shop which is kind of funny mayo i see this exact ad every second day sup dad i have some friends that found one of their wedding pictures from facebook somehow printed on a pillow in a market in a middle eastern country like they just randomly happened upon their wedding photo in a random street market they are from the us this takes place many many years ago when foreigners were a rare sight in japan i'm a big friendly looking white guy and i was asked to do some photos of a couple on a date so i go around to some scenic locals with a beautiful japanese woman the photographer and his assistants fun day took tons of romantic photos and that was the end of it until a month or two later when my date and i showed up on posters all over the subway as part of an aids awareness campaign because you can catch that from foreigners you know needless to say my friends and co-workers thought it was hilarious and amazingly it didn't have any noticeable impact on my dating life looking back my only regret is that i didn't steal one of the posters i was asked to go to a big opening event party for a park in china as a foreigner this kind of thing is pretty common they want some white faces free food and drink all the other guests had to pay but in the end they start guilt tripping me put on this traditional chinese costume they say some kind of kung fu looking robe thing let us take some pictures they say fine i let them do it a few weeks go by and random people start pointing me out in public my students are giggling in class finally when i'm out and about someone approaches me are you the guy from and shows me a picture on the phone my likeness in chinese traditional way has been printed on building size billboards around the city i look goofy as frick all around the city where i live and work my husband and i did stock photos when i was pregnant with our first i ended up seeing myself later on the side of a bus as well as in a pamphlet for young moms flattering at my doctor's office the more interesting part though is that my husband took part in another family shoot various poses cooking in the kitchen etc years later i was looking up a colleague on facebook and her cover photo was her and my husband chopping vegetables in a stock photo i had my photo taken in high school studying with my friend at the time almost five years later my brother said i was in the county brochure for library services the picture was most likely chosen cause of the diversity asian girl and a black girl oh this reminded me of my college in the uk they used a photo of two non-white students taken by an in-house photographer on the front page of their international students office brochure but the issue is that both students in that photo were british born and raised they were not happy i got used as a person with intellectual disabilities i also did not know my photo was going to be used for anything maybe your inability to make medium-term memories is why this was a shock to you i didn't even know i was in a stock photo until my grandma bought a picture frame of sears with my t-ball team picture in it they saved her a step in college a photography student took some pictures of me playing classical guitar i ended up in a videograph i was 19. college must have been rough one of my daughters has a few stock photos out there it's always odd seeing her face unexpectedly it doesn't happen super regularly but it makes me double take when it happens my teenage daughter worked as an extra in a netflix show that's coming out in may i told her i'd watch it but we'll probably only be searching the background crowds for her and her friend i was on a brochure to promote my company once it was a generic look to your left and smile at the camera while you work type of shot i don't feel comfortable with lying a friend of ours was in a commercial for herpes medication a couple of years after we graduated college and we recognized him randomly while watching a show with my mother-in-law we were like hey it's our friend from school we went to a school with strong religious ties and my mother-in-law is very religious right after we said this my mother-in-law was appalled and said wait he has herpes when i was a senior in high school i was chosen to do a stock photo shoot for a big health company they didn't tell me what they were going to use my pictures for i was just excited to get free clothes and a tiny bit of cash the way i found out how they used my photo was when i went to the gynecologist about a year later and saw my picture on the wall i was the face of teenage pregnancy counselling the university took a bunch of professional photos of me and some friends for their billboards and campaigns i was pretty surprised to open a handbook and find out i was the face of their fine arts program especially pottery i was a neuroscience major the same thing happened to me at my college except it was just a general brochure about the campus grandma put it on the fridge she was so proud of my short stint as a model i let a photographer friend take a stock photo of me i looked sad in it and it ended up on some website about victims of abuse not me but my younger brother had his picture taken when he was about 9 or 10 for the big brothers big sisters program my brother was a really cute red-headed kid with freckles and they asked my mom if they could use his photo for their promotional materials a few months later we get a brochure in the mail with my brother's face on it talking about the big brothers program it was really funny because they had changed his name to timmy and in little kid handwriting written things like i really need a big brother and have you found me a big brother yet and then ended it with love timmy my siblings and i laughed a lot over it and called my brother timmy for weeks my whole family modeled back in the 80s somehow my dad ended up in a brochure for some born again church that said he was a sinner and adulterer until he found jesus i found a photo from my private fb account on a news article then a stock image site it was a helicopter i worked on out in the snow in minnesota they said it was afghanistan in the article i disputed the photo but it's still there i no longer post photos on fb because of this you can probably get lawyers involved and have it taken care of sucks you can't just do it the decent way this is the opposite of your question but still relevant my parents once went into a print shop near ishta where they lived and saw a picture frame for sale with an oddly familiar looking stock photo in it for display you know how frames usually come with some flimsy bmw stock photo of a couple or a family or something except it wasn't a stock photo it was them on their wedding day apparently their photographer had some kind of connection to the shop and had his photos on display there my parents were definitely surprised to see their wedding pics on public display but they thought it was cute wait if they buy the photo then they don't need to waste money on printing it out to put up i remember a guy made a post about this because he was on a meme then he showed us all the photos he was in because it was a royalty free stock photo if i find the thread i'll link it nvm someone else found it not me but a colleague of mine he and his wife were given a bunch of outdoor gear to use for a climbing trip into a range in the rockies they were accompanied by a photographer and they used the gear all week while he took photos of them being outdoorsy in it they got to keep the gear in exchange for being used as models and they were pretty happy with that the photographer sold some of the photos to the outdoor company and he got paid for those and they got to be in a few gear magazines you would think that was the end of the story but the photographer also put the pictures up on a stock photo website and basically forgot about them some time later the couple is driving up a mountain pass and they get stuck behind a slow rv they start looking at the scenery on the rv and they start to guess where it is then it starts to look really familiar then they both realize exactly where it is and then notice that the people in the all vehicle covering photo is them and their dog living in a tourist area they continually see these crews america or similar rvs driving through town with them plastered all over them they were one of the more popular rv raps for several years and they always had fun pointing them out to their friends at my former company a middle-aged black woman agreed to take a photo looking melancholy and ended up on the section of the employee arbitration agreement of the employee handbook so you just see a title with employee disputes and it's looking somewhat p before the 2016 election my apartment was getting tons of political mailers and pamphlets in the mail daily on who what to vote for i was going through the mail one day and see what looks like my roommate on a flyer that supported increasing taxes in order to fund homeless shelters i was so confused because it was definitely her same moles she was in an army uniform never served in the military and she definitely wasn't homeless turns out she had taken some stock photos for a photographer in exchange for free headshots we still have the mailer up on our fridge i wasn't a stock model as far as i know but i was a child model got picked from a day camp and they took a two series of pictures of me the first was me measuring a girl's shadow with this newfangled thing called a meter stick this was about 1974 or so btw the other series was me pretending to eat a salad they told me it was for a health book like a textbook for health class that was a long time ago and i love telling people that i was a model since i'm now six feet two inches and well north of 300 pounds a model like for the before picture in a weight loss ad heard that about a thousand times lol my ex was on a bus stop at for her college but someone turned her into hitler with a missing tooth i won a body transformation contest on a bodybuilding site when i was 17 10 years later i and others i knew started seeing my photos in ads for random supplements i had never heard of ama request either the boyfriend checking out another girl the other girl or the girlfriend with a wtf expression the one that some joyless minister in sweden tried to ban not really for a stock photo but i was soldering some copper pipe when a photographer asked if i could stop for a minute and pose for a picture for some promotional pictures they were for a collage of the skills taught in the program i was in they didn't want a picture of me soldering anything though no they wanted me to pretend i was soldering i told them you know i could actually solder something for you they said no because it wouldn't look real enough whatever that means writing for a friend he does voice over work not stock photography his cousin was in a home depot and heard his voice he was very confused looking for my friend in a set of viles he could hear the voice but could not find his cousin calling out his name the voice would come and then stop before he found him eventually realized that the voice was coming out of a kiosk photographer took a picture on the first day of college with me and my two friends they quit within the first month i spiraled in a depression for the rest of the year and transferred out because i got a job dependent on being in school two years later as a concussion was making it difficult for me to stay in school a picture was used in recruiting material at the college one guy's mother even worked for the college and obviously wasn't on the committee making those decisions while peeing at a bar i found myself looking at myself i was used in a campaign about alcohol abuse the particular pictures they used were drunk me about to punch my girlfriend and drunk me pushing my friend while i was trying to get into my car to drive that night i ended up being rather popular with the bar patrons and had to reenact the photos with various strangers i used to lead horseback riding trips in the rockies i had this japanese man come on a ride once and he took some photos of me on horseback no big deal lots of tourists did that i found out at the end of the season that i was front and center on his tourist brochure selling horseback riding trips catering specifically to japanese tourists apparently he promised them that i would be their guide that was weird when i got married we signed the line that allowed the photographer to sell the photos for commercial purposes not thinking much of it unexpectedly unhealthy marriage lasted a long three months story for another post and about four months after the split a pick of us showed up on the front page of a prominent local magazine this led to several people at work leaving bringing it to my attention slightly embarrassing and mortifying at the time but still found the humor in it not me but a buddy of mine dated someone whose photo was used in picture frames she hadn't mentioned this to my buddy however the two of them were in masses one day and he turned to say something to her and realized behind her was a full wall of frames all with her photo in it she hadn't looked that way and apparently his expression was of sheer terror we found out this past christmas that my uncle's stock photo of him at a spa had been turned into a hummus meme just him soaking in a bathtub full of hummus i was photographed while on a tall unicycle at an open day at my university they used it for the cover of the transport guide you're hilarious i had a very small modeling career in middle and high school my first real photo shoot was for stock photos the deal was around 100 and i signed the right to the photos over to the photographer but was able to add the photos to my portfolio when i got the photos i hated them i was super nervous and looked uncomfortable in most of them needless to say i was never called back to that photographer at the end of high school i had to decide if i was going to pursue modeling or go to college for teaching i choose to be a teacher fast forward to eight years later one of my co-workers mentioned that the picture on the loading screen of the grading program looked like me i never needed to use a program being the special education co-teacher well we pulled up the grade book and there it was one of the awful stock photos i took the photo was their logo and loading screen for several years that company program is used by school districts in over 70 countries all of my surrounding counties also use it i still find it funny that being a teacher is probably the only way i would have found out about it sorry for the long post but that is my weird story about my claim to stock photo fame a funny side story my husband works at the same school and for three years of entering grades he did not notice that picture was me when we finally showed him he said oh i did think you looked a lot alike one of mine is frequently found on the home page of major news outlets i wake up to messages from people that think i did something special dozer you're on the home page of msn dozer you're on the home page of forbes i've been on almost all of the big ones i did not expect any of that when i took it what is the worst notification you have received whilst someone else has had your phone was showing my mum some cake ideas for my wife's 30th that i was considering my wife text me and my mum for unknown reasons got a full view of my wife's pool with the caption guess what you're eating for dessert tonight i tried to grab my phone back and my mum went back to browsing cakes without skipping a beat as i was leaving my mum thought it would be funny to ask would you like second dessert tonight because i have a trifle in the fridge i nearly died of shame mom is a savage not me but a friend we'll call bob bob some friends and i went out one night to watch a show in town afterwards we decided to go get some drinks and decided to carpool bob's phone was dying so he asked if he could charge it on the way over with the car charger while it was charging it had apparently connected to the car's speaker system and without a warning the car read a new text message out loud to all of our surprise hey baby it's been a long time since you came in my mouth how about we hook up tonight so i can taste that juice again needlessly to say he was mortified and the rest of us rolled with laughter on our way to the bar this made me laugh because you can't help but read it in that soulless siri voice chatting to a guy in a bar handed him my phone so he could type his number in at that moment a message pops up from my friend sat several tables away saying shag him i was ordering food off of dordash on my ex's phone when she got a text from guy saying he couldn't wait to see her that weekend she told me she was going to see her mom ouch years ago i was working at an apple store as a genius technician and was helping an older woman with her phone this woman had to be in her late 60s early 70s as sweet as could be and was having some minor issues with her phone i think it was battery life or something so she hands me her phone and just as she does a message pops up with a picture of a toilet full of crap and the message reads how many times do i have to tell you to flush the freaking toilet not knowing really what to do i just hand it back to her and tell her she has a message she takes the phone half smiles closes the message and hands it back saying sorry about that sweetheart my daughter can be a bit of a bee this happened to my friend i sent him a text of a wet cat and said look at this wet pee while my other friend's mom was holding his phone she just awkwardly gave him his phone back that's what friends are for i was the one doing the sending i moved to japan a couple of years ago and early one morning i was at a market and saw a tanooki statue that had the full dong balls on display i took a picture of it and thought it would be funny to send my brother a message reading unsolicited dongpik then send a pic of the tanuki statue little did i know halfway around the world my brother was doing some late evening car shopping he had recently been in an accident that had totaled his car and was in the market for a new one he had handed the car salesman his phone so he could show the guy the pics of the damage to his car and the guy was looking through them when the words unsolicited dongpik popped up on the screen my brother said the guy nearly dropped the phone trying to shove it back in his hands brother could get extra points for telling salesmen that it was just his brother sending him a dong pic cue banjo music showing my aunt a pic when a text saying i'd frick the crap out of machine gun kelly appeared we both pretended we didn't see it and quickly started talking about something else instantly had to google this first thought was kelly was a girl and that she was probably in some budget movie with zombies or similar was very wrong other way around i was holding ex-husbands phone while he was driving me and the kids to the airport text comes in from a work colleague asking if we left yet it was then that i realized the marriage was over that sucks i find that if i don't get into any extra marital business i don't have to worry about my wife holding my phone it makes things quite a bit easier a couple of years ago met a guy from tinder in a pub for our first date things were going well we were having a laugh and flirting after about an hour i took out my phone to show him a funny meme and up popped a notification from my new period tracking up saying today's the day you're ovulating i swiped it real quick and i don't think he got a good look at it but i was still worried he'd think i was some child obsessed weirdo who timed my date so random tinder guys could impregnate me i turned off ovulation notifications after that left my phone on the kitchen table and went to pee my parents were making dinner and my mum saw the wanna frick notification from my bf pop-up i was confused when i came back in the kitchen and my parents were laughing thanks iphone not my notification but i sent to my best girlfriend you're right future husband's dad is weird and a little racist and her future husband saw the text luckily he laughed and agreed with me but i was so embarrassed that he saw it border patrol had my phone and my buddy sent me a text in which he jokingly said something like what makes you think they'll let you in this time or something like that myself was staying with me for a week which i wasn't stoked about my sister knew about it and messaged me how are you dealing with sill's name do you need to pretend to have a nap again lol unfortunately my sill was borrowing my tablet at the time and saw the notification pop up she hasn't stayed with us since my mum was looking up stuff on my prescription app on my phone when a message came in from a group chat i'm on a group chat named pornographic material i turned instagram notifications off after that my friend made this fake account on twitter and followed me exactly at the time my teacher had taken my phone away the notification reader in alphyster6969 has followed you a friend of mine sent me a message for the first time in four months that was just ali right as my gf held the phone all right so since everyone's asking all that happened was that i explained it to her messaged him explaining how i think he confused the crap out of my gf and we're still together today mayo i was showing my grandma some pictures she chuckled a bit and quickly handed me back my phone i looked at it and saw that my boyfriend now husband had texted me saying i hate it when i'm pooping and my dong touches the water big dong problems we laughed about it but my husband is still horrified by the thought of my grandma knowing about his big dong problems well no the internet knows about his big dong problems when i was in high school my friends and i had the habit of giving each other funny contact names on our phones based on jokes we came up with to this day my high school friend's contact names are things such as river bee jeff the s baby america sugar mama etc when we were juniors a girl who was obsessed with my friend led to his contact name becoming booty lord with some rather suggestive images following it everything was fine and dandy until a few months later when i had forgotten about it i was applying for a leadership position in a club i was a member of and was required to get two letters of recommendation for the second letter i asked one of my teachers who happened to be a very conservative man in his late 70s if he could write one for me being the lazy son of a bee that he was he told me to write the letter myself saying all the things i wanted him to say and he'd sign it after i finished typing up the letter i handed him my phone to let him read and approve it before i printed it out about 45 seconds after i gave him my phone b very loudly and incredulously said booty lord and gave me a horrified look and shoved the phone back into my hands that was hard to explain my aunt was like hey is that the new samson can i see it i say sure and then i got a text from my gf good news i had my period met everyone has been there she understood my boyfriend and i send each other crap randomly during the day like fedex me that pecker or flap them t my way i was showing my mom something on my phone once and he sends gonna slap you with my dong tonight carrier pigeon me that butt pony express me that sklong dhl mdsls [Music] imagine my conservative 15 years old little brother's face when my bf texted i'll destroy your p while we were watching some stupid goat on youtube goat c causes extreme reactions in some people not exactly a bad message but i'll end my jacket to my crush and it had my phone in its pocket someone sent me a message so she got it out to give to me but unfortunately she had sent me a message before that and saw that her name was marked with a heart awkward night after that story apps can give really interesting ones my favorite that popped up while my boyfriend was holding my phone was something like mike misses you come back and play or something like that of course all he did was pull the drop down menu down to see the full notification and laugh he teased me about it for hours not really my phone but i had text notifications on my computer was working with a vendor and sharing my screen my so picked that time to send me a text that said that was the most amazing sex we've ever had last night i silenced the notification as fast as i could but the vendor went quiet for half a minute and then said good job so got out of that awkward zone pretty well i never shared my screen with notifications active ever again awesome reaction a pimp texted my father-in-law's phone advertising transsexual prostitutes while i was navigating for him while he was driving oh my i was chatting with a guy and it was going well nothing sexual maybe mild flirting so i didn't care when i gave my buddy my phone for some reason then across the room he yells yo this dude just asked if you'd be down for anal he sounds like the kind of person that would yell that even if that wasn't the message you received this actually happened recently i gave my dad my phone to call my mom because his phone was dead and my gf sent me a text that said something along the lines of hey do you wanna have some fun at my house tonight my dad lost it thanks for the edit more xd [Music] a crappy contact name but two stories one of my high school buddies put himself as jew boy in my phone made my jewish roommate super uncomfortable understandably the other is that i have a friend named richard this quickly became donk penis willy seaman scrotum in my phone boy does my mom regret using my phone to take a picture not my phone in high school there was a couple who had recently started dating let's call them john and sarah they were both seen as quite innocent and we were all in theater together i was at a rehearsal at john's house and he showed me his phone for a second right as i looked a text popped up from sarah saying i want you to freak me from behind i was a bit in shock and started laughing uncomfortably and when jon received his phone back he was horrified personally i just thought it was hilarious and definitely a pivotal moment with that group of theater kids me and my friend used to do this thing where we make weird noises on the phone mostly just to annoy the other person i decided to call my friend and when the call was answered i let out a groan that progressively turned into a screech turns out his dad was the one who answered and all i can hear is him yelling why the frick are you friends with this guy in the background i never saw this as a competition but if it was i think i won underrated comment i've had the reverse of this situation happen to me i was using my flatmates desktop mac and as ios users will know any notification you get on your iphone will appear on screen on all of your other apple devices i was on the computer in his bedroom while he was in the kitchen grabbing a snack and he received a phone call from an unknown number i saw this notification on his computer which gave me the option to answer the call for him i thought it would be funny if i took the call before he could answer it on his phone meaning he would have to run through to his bedroom where i would be silently laughing myself to an early grave i clicked to answer expecting it to be some kind of cold call the voice on the other end amplified by my flatmates gratuitous sonos speaker set up said hello this is the police my soul left my body i absolutely cannonballed out of his room making the most apologetic eye contact i have ever made with a human being turns out he had been caught red-handed in a traffic incident on his way back from an interview and they got his contact details from the dashcam footage of his registration plate they were calling him and for some questioning it was a wonderfully devious experience which i was absolutely not prepared for and we have never spoken of it since never answer someone else's phone call unless you would personally know the person calling my friend texting me alita but while i was showing my momma meme never swiped away a notification so fast in my mf life i'll fricken do it again this post shows us that phones just need a simple side button to temporarily turn off all notifications simple solution to this is to just smash your phone can't get any embarrassing notifications if you don't have a phone not me but my mom went skiing with her and myself her partner at the time was also snowboarding bit at a resort about a 20-minute drive from where we were staying he was there with his friends in the town they were staying at there's a really nice steakhouse which does an amazing fill it anyway he sends her a picture of the steak the one night whilst we were just chilling in the hotel room as she turns the phone around saying oh look how amazing this steak looks another message pops up unknown to my mom saying tastes like your pssy and that is how i cannot eat fillet steel anymore oof that's a harsh image to squash i was showing my co-worker a picture of my son when my girlfriend at the time who is now my wife sent a text it was something along the lines of having a threesome plot twist the third person in the threesome was the co-worker good news the bump is not yours bad news you might have herpes from a former fwb i had run into earlier in the day while my girlfriend at the time had my phone recently married three months in wife went to yosemite for a girls trip i texted and didn't hear back for a couple of days which worries me because she had cell service and was posting on social i open up a laptop and i messages started to come in and i saw that a guy i didn't know but apparently her old high school flame were missing each other divorce dang dude three months in and already cheating that is hella rough sending positive vibes i was texting with a platonic friend of mine to meet up and when she sent me a bossy text i responded with a sarcastic show my honey we'll do that love ya she didn't read that message her parents did being the friend here longest explanation of my life was showing a male client how to use google maps and my husband sent me a dirty text i'm a therapist never grabbed a phone faster he's gonna need therapy for that i used to be the director of an acapella group during rehearsal i would project sheet music from my tablet onto a big screen to help people follow along we were having solo auditions one day and after one girl auditioned the assistant director texted me from across the roof that was awful my tablet received the message and the notification was displayed for everyone in the group to see including the girl who had just auditioned obligatory not me but a friend my roommates mom came to visit so we decided to take her out to lunch while we were waiting my roomie took out her ipad she had some board games on there so we started playing sorry together she obviously didn't think about how all her devices were linked because halfway through the gamer you wanna frick text notification comes in at the top of the screen followed by a thumbnail of a dick pic sorry indeed was trying to show a good buddy at work a little eight feet 1950s john boat i was restoring when my wife decided to send me a pic of her tea at that exact moment i handed my phone over you have a good wife i was planning halloween costumes with a friend one year and we decided to do the breaking bad guys at work with my phone face up i was with some co-workers and got an alert that read i found the little baggies for the m immediately stopped notifications forever and ever are men once i returned from a vacation and showing my whole family my picks and here comes a notification from pornhub browsers as i upload a new video and everyone went silent for a minute but then my brother said i too am tired off these spam notifications you should report em and i was saved i hope you have your brother a big hug man haha that was a good save my crush was holding my phone at lunch playing minecraft my friends at another table texted me and said i bet you have a boner people who have been santa at them all what's the creepiest thing a kid has asked for christmas i have a cringy butt story about a mall santa i was a freshman in college at my local mall this mall is basically dead hardly any foot traffic at all unless it's the weekend and i see a mall santa i accidentally make eye contact and he waves me over i walk on over to him smiling and he's doing the whole santa thing i'm around 22 at this time and i'm playing along for fun to not make it all awkward his elves girls around my age start talking to me and you can tell them and santa were bored and just looking for someone to talk to well anyway they asked if i wanted to buy a picture with santa i was poor as crap at the time and was deaf not paying the 20 bucks for a picture i started to panic internally because i was like oh crap did they just talk to me for the last five minutes because they expected me to buy a picture one of the elves says she bets my parents would love it and that's when the horrible idea clicked in my head i looked her in the eye and said oh yes sorry no my parents are dead they aren't btw dead silence from santa and the elves oh one of the elves pipes in that she lost her dad a year ago so she knows and understands what it's like they then talk to me for about 20 more minutes trying to make me feel better i felt like crap the whole rest of the month and i'll still think about it sometimes and cringe hard tldr i lied to santa and his elves and told them my parents were dead this is one of my worst memories ever i had helped santa for almost 20 years but mostly for private parties and events i did cover for him many years ago in little mall in belding michigan a young girl came up with a group of kids and didn't even look up at me i asked her what was wrong she said i didn't give her what she asked for last year and started crying i told her i was sorry and would try again this year she said you can't i asked you to stop daddy from hurting mommy and he still did now mommy is dead i had absolutely nothing to say except i was so sorry after that group of kids left i went home sick took off my suit and threw it away but to this day i can hardly bear this and i still think about it every christmas time not creepy and not more santa but i dressed up as santa for halloween one year and sat on the porch handing out candy from a sack one kid looked excited until his dad said something along the lines of now remember that's not the real santa i gave him some candy then i reached into the second sack and pulled out a big butt hand carved wooden monster truck and handed that to him as well kid thought it was great dad not so much freaking fantastic that dad was obviously proved wrong don't let him dull your shine santa this is a grim one my ex's dad owned a restaurant and i worked there part-time in my late teens so i witnessed this christmas eves were usually really busy so to earn more money his wife came up with the idea to pretend to be santa for a few hours on christmas eve and charge something like two pounds per kid this one dad came up to my ex's dad my ex's dad was santa not me and paid the money for his kid and then went to the toilet with his other child a baby leaving the kid with santa santa asked the kid what he wanted for christmas and apparently the kid whispered into his ear i want daddy to go away he asked the kid to explain why and apparently the dad had beating up the mother a few hours prior and had locked her in the shed in their back garden before taking the kid and his baby sister out to eat because there had been crying hysterically and he was worried the neighbors would hear and get suspicious santa then asked the kid for his address and told my ex who worked in the kitchen to call the police i think some police went to the house and then some turned up at the restaurant to arrest the dad a social worker also came to collect the kids we never found out what happened to them after that but it ended up in the local paper and got loads of promotion for the restaurant i mustn't have made myself clear enough i wasn't santa i was the waitress who witnessed it from afar my ex got me a job at his family restaurant my ex's dad aka the owner of the restaurant was santa i didn't realize that this would blow up like it did and i feel like i need to just clarify that i love read it you guys have managed to put some kind of magical disney movie spin on the thoroughly depressing situation which i'd never considered before crap this sounds snarky but it's not i appreciate it makes it seem even slightly positive that's heartbreaking hopefully it ended up well for the kids my two-year-old once asked santa for a christmas tree he gave me the most disgusted look i was horrified because it was only the beginning of december and i was holding off until after her birthday party the 5th of december to put the tree up and my enormous collection of decorations for the house i didn't want her birthday to be overshadowed by christmas my birthday is pretty near christmas 14th and every year my parents waited until after my birthday to put the tree up i super appreciated it you're doing the right thing also the fifth is pretty early that's one judgmental santa not a mall santa but my fire department does a santa visit to all the houses in my town we have a few guys dress up as santa and we drive around going house to house in the fire engines one year when i was santa we go to a house with a married couple and two kids the woman is clearly pregnant the daughter about 10 12 creep the heck out of me i asked her what she wanted for christmas and she looks at her i assume stepmom and says deadpan i want the baby to die jesus christ kid it's possible that she wasn't allowed to express her frustration over a new sibling and vented it all at once not a santa but i remember when i was over at my relative's house i asked my little cousin what she wanted santa to bring her and she said wanted boobs like her mom had she was only about six so it was weird for me to hear her say that but she was in a phase where she idolized her mom and wanted to look like her same hair style same glasses etc so i guess it sort of made sense i remember when i was a little kid my sister asked santa for a pony i was next so i asked for rat poison for the pony ten yomi was an edgy little butthole that seems inefficient should have gone for a nice jug of pony poison i once was santa for the horse club my mum and sister were i've agreed on doing it because i thought it would be fun i don't know if it's the same elsewhere but people here who do horse riding are usually rich people so rich families so these six and seven years old seriously were asking for animals such as horses normal or turtles one even asked for an elephant and at the end of the line one kid asked for a whole zoo high hopes for him i said i would but i doubt he got what he wanted ended up ruining the whole santa myth since when i finished the children's were still there and i shouted mom can i go now to their horse teacher oh and the scary part there is how these children talked about actually possessing the animal like a doll or any other toys and not like actual creatures not the kid but i had an elderly lady who used to walker insist that she wanted to sit on my lap to 20 year old me it was unbelievably awkward but i bet it happen i was a helper at the easter bunny set one year so not santa and a kid was having trouble getting up onto the bench the dad was adamant that she'd be let alone to do it by herself but there was a line and after she fell three times i kinda felt bad for the girl anyways i picked her up and put her next to the easter bunny which the dad was not a fan of he started yell at me and pushing me long story short he eventually tried to swing at me that's where i drew the line i moved just out of the way and swung back and hit him right in the jaw that was the last year i worked at that set too bad that wasn't caught on tape the easter bunny knocking out an unruly parent is exactly the kind of video that would get huge there was a story on the news not sure if it's true or not a kid told santa they wanted their dad or step dad to stop touching them carnally then the santa and some elves beat up the dad i heard about that too one kid got on my lap and asked me if i could give him a bag of wiggly rice i asked him what that was and he said he ate some off a piece of chicken he found in the backyard he said it was so yummy he wishes he had a whole bag of it i was a heavy metal santa outside the local guitar shop nothing creepy happened just horns or middle fingers depending on how well i was playing that day it's really cool to hear the echoes of a guitar solo off of passing cars though this is the most badass thing i've heard all day not a santa but as an elf nearby kid may be 11 years old and bangs below his nose goes up and whispers loud enough for me to hear i wish not to live anymore i don't think anyone else heard it and the santa pretty old dude but kind tells him sorry but there's so much more to witch for and hands him off not a santa but a couple of years ago the santa who worked in a nearby town was fired why an overweight nine-year-old boy sat on his lap and santa told him to layer the hamburger and french fries overweight kids that young is so sad to see i was at publix and this grossly fat kid sat in the cart not in the child seat he couldn't fit there and just kept demanding all sorts of different junk he got everything he pointed at while it's easy to blame the parent his mother looked completely defeated and actually quite miserable i used to photo the kids with santa a little girl asked for a boy toy santa was like what her mom was a few feet away from the stage and says she means a truck reminds me of when i was a kid and my mom always asked for the boy toy with my happy meals in the drive-through but when we went inside and forgotten they gave me a barbie instead of a pokemon toy or something i'd always be one p little girl so that might be where the kid got the term from or something similar maybe he misspoke but one kid maybe about five years old asked me for a coffin i don't recall if i sought much clarification i must also share my most awkward moment which happened when i was the easter bunny three teenage girls wearing their cheerleader uniforms came to get their photo taken one sat on my left leg one sat on my right leg and the other stood there hesitant for a few moments before finally making a decision and plopping down right in the middle seating herself on my groin i was probably biting my lip trying not to have a reaction fortunately all anyone could see from the outside was my smiling bunny head dang it you found my carrot not a santa but when my little brother was a toddler he asked santa for a baby brother or sister santa said he'd try his best i'm not a mall santa but i've been answering santa's mail for over 20 years i'm a postal worker and we volunteer answering letters and i've seen it all there's always sad ones when little kids ask for their dead parent or grandparents or ask to pass a message to their loved ones there's always a weird adult venting about child support divorce or money troubles there was a group of four daughters who all asked only that their dad saw back get better there was a strange kid asking for guns knives and a lizard there was one kid who said he's sick of being alone and he was so lonely he offered to become an elf last year i got a letter written from a guinea pig and we've had a few from the family dogs so we treat those extra special when we get extremely troubling letters they get special attention especially if the sender is suicidal if it's something i feel like i can handle myself then i will usually send a small gift along with an encouraging letter i send colouring books or crossword puzzles to the stressed people and i've sent picture frame ornaments for those who have lost a loved one babies first christmas gets wax sealed calligraphy response appropriate for keepsake fortunately i've only gotten a couple of really disturbing letters but it's becoming more common to get letters from stressed adults slightly opposite that i had a friend who is russian and who went to a russian christmas party which is a different holiday from normal christmas apparently organized by a bunch of russian families in town they hired a santa for all of the kids my friend is in his last year of college but everyone tells him to go up to santa anyway he's a good sport so he does but when he gets up there santa dead but starts chewing him out for flunking a college carson to get better grades apparently this was premeditated by the adults ahead of time i heard this story from him the night of over text when he locked himself in a room and was p drunk off of vodka the real son nicholas was a badass he once b slapped the pope and took crap from no one he was well known foe protecting the poor going so far as to save three girls from basically a forced marriage by taking three gold coins from an arms box and throwing it into their bedroom window one coin landed in a pair of stockings hung by a fire to dry which is where the custom of stockings on a fireplace comes from i actually heard about silent santa's a few years back kids with autism don't do malls well being autistic myself i agree so i rent a suit every year and do a volunteer silent santa a family is picked for christmas and i go over the room is incredibly dim but very comfortable for my eyes quiet and it lets the non-verbals meet santa i basically do november and don't shave until january because elf you go in with the parents and the kid meets you very soft ho ho ho be at their level they meet touch me to see if i'm real a couple pictures usually getting pictures is difficult with some it helps the family have some resemblance of a holiday i was difficult these kids are far harder and the parents usually ask santa questions i help answer what i can basically since my fam is so far away and i never get to visit i bring christmas to someone else it also keeps me sane since the holidays bring out the worst in me it's 550 for a suit rental but it makes one christmas totally awesome for that kid that won't have any more good ones i knew a gentleman who was a santa in our local mall for years he had a real beard so he was paid more he didn't tell me any stories of anything that happened that was creepy rather he said every year there was something interesting that happened one year he had a guy propose while a girl was on his lap and another time he said that all the higher-ups were checking out the display and as they were looking away a girl yelled hey santa and then she flashed him he was a bit of a ladies man so he enjoyed the show side story one my hubby worked with him as an elf and his buddies thought that was lame so they walked in there and legit kidnapped him and carried him out like a baby while making fun of him side story 2 he told me that he used to work for a children's home and dressed up as the easter bunny one year his office was separate from the children's home and he had to walk along a busy freeway to get to the home as he's dressed like a freaking bunny and walking along the road a drunk driver saw him and crashed his car a little ways up the road this freaked him out so he walked down the hill to the home for a bit and called 9-1-1 as the police were arriving he heard the driver tell the cops that he saw a freaking huge rabbit it freaked him out when he saw it and didn't notice where he was going which later the crash disclaimer because not a santa and not creepy just hoping someone knows my mystery santa i know this will get buried but in 2008 i was living in columbia city and when our local firehouse was holding fire annual meet and greet with santa i was 32 years old sitting on a simple volunteer's lap when he said and what would you like for christmas young lady be mind you i was just diagnosed with uterine cancer in a severely abusive marriage from heck i was overweight and suffering from severe depression so it took everything i had in me not to break down into tears when i leaned in close and whispered my christmas wish to this man i said i would like to see my daddy one more time before i die i'm over 800 miles away from him right now and haven't seen him in six years so all i want is to see my daddy just one more time four months later i was told i only had six to nine months to live and was issue disability benefits immediately the first thing i did was get on a train and head back east to see my daddy i'll be cancer free five years next month i don't know about you but i feel my little wish was granted my father passed away four years ago yesterday and i think of that volunteer fireman playing santa every single christmas not sure if this counts but my buddy was santa a few years back at a local shopping center and this kid came up to him and sat on his lap now my friend isn't the tallest or most robust guy out there so he didn't exactly look like a stereotypical fat santa i guess this kid picked up on it and got upset and said all he had wanted for christmas was to have a good conversation with the real santa and that my friend was clearly an imposter so a few debates later with the kids parents and the janitor who was much more santa esque in stature got dressed up in a spare suit they had and the kid was satisfied i did it for a year many years ago and never had a creepy one but one kid really got me when he wished for his dog and brother back he said they both were hit by a car and both died yes it made me tear up i was emma santa for my local special olympics group i wish i could remember the count on kids asking to stop being bullied for me to fix their whatever is wrong with them i.e autism down syndrome it's enough to make a grown man cry i've participated in shop with a cop for a few years and my kids have wanted fairly normal things bikes doors lego or video games we get an 80 gift card at walmart for each child and help them spend it the barcodes on the items are then marked through so the gifts can't be returned most kids and their parents really appreciate it but occasionally you get a kid who has been coached and you have to gently deprogram them we're not spending 80 on trashy jewelry for your dad's girlfriend anyway an officer i worked with had a heartbreaker a few years ago generally we don't buy gift cards or things that require lots of batteries we have a bit of leeway though which can be a very good thing as evidenced here the child in question wanted a gift card for steak and shake that was it all the money for steak and shake when asked about it it turned out that he had figured out the price of a milkshake during their happy hour and figured he could get one a week through the end of the school year if we'd get him the gift card he was nine and looked six he ended up with a pretty decent gift card i hope he was able to use it the way he planned my dad plays santa every year for a bunch of corporate parties and our local version of ronald mcdonald house they take a bunch of sick kids on a flight with santa on a corporate jet according to him the absolutely most heartbreaking part of it is when little kids who are basically in hospice care ask santa to make them better for christmas second place is seeing all different kids every year cause none of them ever live long enough to go twice what was your finest moment of revenge i'm a professor many years ago i had a small cluster of students in one course that i strongly suspected were cheating scattered evidence suggested that they had knowledge of my test content ahead of time i don't let my students keep their test copies and i rewrite my tests every semester so this was puzzling i determined that the most likely way they were cheating was during the photocopying process so i set out to test that possibility first when the next test in the course was getting close i left the previous semester's version of the test in the photocopy room as bait i then rewrote the new version of the test keeping page one the same to avoid raising suspicions on test day but otherwise completely revising the questions i made the new copies on another department's copier the morning of the test sure enough when i graded the test i found that my cheaters all had perfect scores on the page one questions but then bombed all subsequent questions to varying degrees they all went from a s on the first two tests to ds and fs on the test in question those patterns alone probably wouldn't be enough evidence for an airtight academic integrity charge but one of them gave up the whole group and the plan when i called her in to confront her with the test copies turns out they had access to my department's copyroom from a former student worker and would routinely pop in and steal exams in the to be carpet pile after hours in the end it caused a big disciplinary fuss in the administration with f grades multiple suspensions and one expulsion which is a true rarity given how gunshy universities are about kicking out students the cheaters were hosted by their own pettard and i got what passes for professor lee street cred among my peers for catching a well-organized group that many others had missed tl dr caught academic cheaters in college with the right bait justice was served this is beautiful my first real boyfriend we kissed instead of just holding hands kissed another girl and dumped me for her when i was a freshman in high school she had actively pursued him although she knew he had a girlfriend so i blamed her rather than him i know i know fast forward four years i was a volleyball player throughout college in the offseason i played in a city women's league and a co-ed league as an outside hitter my team played a new team with a familiar face she didn't recognize me different high schools but i immediately recognized her my team setter kept giving me amazing sets and i kept slamming the ball over the net just waiting for my shot finally she was in the back row and my setter set me up i hit the ball and the boyfriend steeler stepped into the hit it bounced off her foot and went straight up into her face and broke her nose that's talent right there telling a group of baseball bullies that were picking on my younger brother that snape kills dumbledore in half blood prince after realizing they had all just started it monster this is more petty revenge but yeah a few years back my 15 year old cousin was staying over at my place which i shared with my boyfriend at the time her parents were on vacation in cuba for a few weeks while she was with us we had to make all of her food she couldn't cook and waited for me or my boyfriend to come home otherwise she would only eat chips or popcorn she wouldn't even make a sandwich one day she updated her facebook status which was a whiny complaint about how bored she was she had free reign to go out and how weird i was i guess she forgot i have her on facebook it really peed me off since i made all of her meals and tried my best to keep her company that night when i was making her a turkey sandwich i took my revenge i used the end slices of the bread loaf to build the sandwich and the bitter white part of a romaine lettuce leaf i also put too much mayo on it she ate that sandwich and she had a look of annoyance on her face but there was nothing she could do be this is the kind of revenge i take on customers at work if they were awful i'll give them a not so good patty and use the broken or dry cheese it gives me satisfaction when i was 16 i was heartbroken by a girl who basically decided to frick someone else after we were in love and i just used it as motivation to eat better and lose weight i saw her a couple years later and it looks like she gained as much as i lost 80 lbs it felt so good college will do that to you congrats buddy my college roommate had a sketchy friend he would invite over my textbook was stolen the weekend before my final i went to the bookstore and found the book i had nauticads that i used as bookmarks still in the book i texted my roommate's friend and made up a story that the bookstore was going to press charges unless he gave the money back he confessed over the phone and told me to meet him at his place to get the money when i got there he was smoking a bong after taking the money i poured the bong over his head and told him to never come to my place ever again sounds like a classy guy i have done this multiple times but here is the most recent story so i was coming back from this road trip with a few friends and holy crap there was a pretty light show on the way home so i immediately buy the cheapest tickets available which came in a package of four it cost 40 for each ticket but the face value was 55 anyways two of them went to my friends and with no time to lose the show was starting in two hours i posted an ad on craigslist asking for 60 dollars for it wasn't long before i got a message the guy sent me a text and agreed to meet me in front of the venue in order to pay for the ticket when we met it was kind of my fault because i didn't check but he shorted me 20 dollars i was furious what kind of sea rips off somebody who hooks you up with a last minute front row ticket right so i have his phone number for every holiday i wait thanksgiving christmas new year's i like to think he's having a good time hanging out with his buddies or family it is then that i post an ad on craigslist in highly populated cities san francisco new york detroit etc casual encounters m4m that says something like the curious twink looking to suck first dong i put a convincing message in that ends with send your dong pics to one two three four five six seven eight nine zero and i will pick the hottest one i wait a day and take it down for i am merciful tldr guy ripped me off i make sure that every holiday here has sent hundreds of dong pictures twist he's gay and every holiday inexplicably he gets several extra presents about a month ago i found out my co-worker a good friend of mine was cheating with my gf at the time teamed up with few other work buddies and decided to teach him a lesson we went to a korean mart and bought two frozen raw fishes with the help of one of my buddies i was able to get hold of his car keys so we hid one of those two fish we bought earlier in a place which would be pretty obvious and easy to notice and we duct tape the other fish underneath his passenger side seat he did find one of the fish and was pretty mad with us here's a sweet revenge though he kept complaining that he just couldn't get rid of the fish smell from his car even though he cleaned his car with shampoo and has used all kinds of car scent i quit that work a few days after so i don't know if he found the other fish yet we don't talk anymore my old roommate did something similar except he pried the covering off the door panel and put the fish in the inside of the door guy never found it and ended up just buying a new car x cheated on me moved out but moved out slowly over time which meant i still lived with a lot of her stuff some of her clothes were left in the closet i cut teeny tiny corners off of every sleeve but barely enough to be noticeable you'd have to think you were going insane to notice it but then again over time each sleeve did look somewhat off she eventually asked me about it months later i denied everything i regret nothing that's very subtle i like it driving home around two in the morning two cars ahead of me one is clearly giving the other car a hard time tailgating him cutting him off windows open and he's yelling tame other guy i catch up at the light and see a scared older man 70 plus getting verbally cussed out by this kid now i'm totally sober and i know that cops hang out in the back of the parking lot at work hell they were security guards on their off hours i get he punks attention and he starts harassing me one mile to go cussing at me trying to cut me off i pull into the parking lot he follows whip down to the back and yep there's the cop lights come on both of us get pulled over other guy is screaming and i only have to explain for 30 seconds what happened i leave the scene like i did my good deed for the day tldr saved old man from being harassed cops pull over and arrest the right guy my ex-fiance walked out on me a week before the wedding i later married her a great girl became much wealthier and about to have a kid meanwhile i heard she's still living in her parents apartment and is actively looking online for dates the best revenge is living a better life without her and that is what i did that's the best revenge of all happiness nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good freaking life chuck palaniuk for 10 months i had the worst roommate ever a 40 year old guy who acted like he was 21 his parents support him and pay for his condo which i rented a room in with no lease as such i had no tenant rights which he took advantage of he was loud drunk drugged out and yelling racial obscenities at the tv daily he was constantly forcing me to listen to his rants about things he had no real knowledge about this guy was the most spoiled imtitled inconsiderate narcissistic person i have ever met the day i was supposed to move out he was past the frick out from a day's long alcohol and drug binge i moved all of my stuff into the truck and was driving off when it hit me there was a possum carcass on the side of the road near the condo i went back up grabbed his barbecue tongs and a bag and picked up that carcass i walked back up again went in opened the door to his room and whipped that carcass onto his bed then waked out of that place for the last time he never even stirred as the dead possum rotting and baked by the sun landed next to him with a sickening plop he deserves worse actually but i did what i could in high school one of my best friends started dating my ex-boyfriend the day after we broke up which happened to be my 16th birthday so then and there i decided to ruin her sweet 16. i just wasn't sure how fast forward three months she planned an extravagant birthday party and played hockey from school the friday before the big party to prepare this was my opportunity i told everyone at school that she had gotten the flu and was postponing the party hence why she wasn't in school we were neighbors so everyone bought it the next day she got all dolled up arrived at her sweet 16 party in a large rented ballroom only to spend the entire party with her mom and little sister not one person showed up looking back it was terrible and mean but to a 16 year old girl i felt she broke sacred girl code and that's never okay tl dr a birthday for a birthday leaves the whole world sad it seems like you were both see but still excellent revenge this isn't as clever or conniving as some on here but it still ranks as the number one top spot for my best revenge moment i was 13 and was reclining on a beach chair this boy about my age and his younger friend who i'd known for about a week were standing behind me and kept messing with the chair and wouldn't stop when i asked them to him and his friend were classic little bratty redneck children the younger one had a rattail mullet relevant for later and the entire time i'd known them they were spouting off about how the boys were doing this but the girls couldn't do that because they were girls stuff like that the last time they messed with my chair i stood up spun around and looked the bigger one dead in the eye and told him he'd better stop he looked right at me with a smirk on his face and asked what are you going to do about it as soon as the words left his mouth i punched him dead in the eye and grabbed the younger kids rattail mullet and yanked it so hard he fell to the ground then i sat back down both started crying almost immediately and didn't mess with me again eight years later and it's still the best feeling of revenge i've ever had called out the teacher who told me i would fail her class and needed to deal with not succeeding in my valedictorian speech best suck it moment of my life jokes on you she saw your potential but was concerned about your lack of motivation so she said the exact thing that she thought would make you succeed she played you like a puppet was staying at my girlfriend's house and a couple houses away was a group of people who would bend late into the night go out and then begin bending again one night after having a very interrupted sleep i overheard one of the girls in the house loudly ordering pizza to an all-night place in the cross this is in sydney she have her credit card number and i quickly copied it down the next day i went on a flower delivery site and delivered a 80 bouquet to the four houses around the house on either side of the street with a note saying sorry for the noise we apologize and won't do it again they have been quiet ever girlfriend's brother sprayed water on my face so i told him to try these barbecue peanuts which were actually the world's hottest peanuts as he dances around a few seconds i hand him a nice cold water bottle full of every clear i was in the navy i was in basic enlisted submarine school with shared barrack rooms i had two roommates who for a lack of a better term sucked they were dirty they never cleaned and they just smelled bad all the time oh and also they never woke up on time for anything every week during room inspections we failed terribly i ended up getting so annoyed with them because we started to get into a lot of trouble that i plotted the revenge to show the inspectors that it wasn't me and it was my two soil sack roommates every four or so days everyone stood duty one week night i had duty and i waited for the exact time that i was a roving watchtender in the barracks to pull off the trickery i pee in a ziplock baggie and placed it in my friend's freezer prior to my watch and there i had it a sheet of p ice i walked up to my room 60 minutes before inspection knowing my [ __ ] roommates wouldn't be up and slid this sheet off p ice under the door into the middle of the room and you may ask why i didn't just open the door as it was my room because i didn't want to take the chance of waking one of them up during my covet operation the inspectors came around and sure enough oops i forgot to wake up for my roommates like i did everyone else on the floor amidst the melee of the inspector banging on the door them trying to get dressed and then both very confused and shuffling through the p all heck broke loose the inspector had those [ __ ] [ __ ] standing at attention leaning over to smell the huge puddle realizing it was pee in the middle of the floor the face he made when he made that realization was something i will never forget he lost it those two got in a ton of trouble and since i was on watch they lifted all punishment on me finally realizing it was them the whole time i don't feel guilty at all i never did i never will tl dr rom maids were dirty i made them dirtier with frozen pee in eighth grade i was hanging with two of my friends at the local hs we had just finished playing a pickup game of football as we were walking to the bathrooms i saw what i thought was a friend and said hey man what's up we had played pop warner together for years so i knew him he came out acting really tough and strange then about seven other black dudes came out with him i guess he joined a gang over the summer anyway the proceeded to jump me and beat the crap out of me while the friends i was with just stood there and watched i am not friends with them anymore lol it was a long bloody walk home i never forgot about it anyway football season came around and look who is on my team we get paired together in a drill where one person holds the football and another person tackles both ppl laying flat on their back the coach blew the whistle and i never ran so hard in my life i trucked the crap out of him to the point i cracked his helmet and he cried like a little girl i stood over him and said where's your gang now he showed me mad respect after that never said a word to me to this day i still think about how awesome it felt very petty but a major victory for me in elementary school first seventh grade where i live i was bullied by this girl i was tiny red haired braces and glasses with low self-esteem of course i was a target she was just fat and entitled she gave me numerous concussions and loose teeth and some emotional scars which made me apply for a secondary school in another district my parents were a bit surprised when they got the letter about my being admitted but that's another story i went on to be accepted in one of the more prestigious public high schools in my area again i have no idea how this works outside norway met her one day at the end of the second year she had put on so much weight and was on her way home four take away bags in hand to her parents place i lived on my own and was out jogging at my skinniest that day my revenge was being nice to her she had failed everything and could only get into the lowest priority high school i was in the highest priority she had gained so much weight and i was skinny and felt beautiful she bought kilos of takeaway and i was out running and i was so nice and compassionate all those years of bullying i just felt sorry for her back in the summer of 09 me and my girlfriend were going pretty strong anyway i found out she was freaking this guy on the side she admitted it and said she was sorry and i dumped her anyway i didn't know the guy but it remembered his name one night at a party a few months later i got introduced to a guy i thought was him i slyly worked out it was him i'm not a guy to hold a grudge generally but this was something else i didn't want to do anything to him but when i walked into a bedroom to take a phone call and there he was passed out drunk on the bed i didn't know what to do but i knew i had a good an opportunity to pass it up i was pretty drunk at the time but the first thing i thought of was to take a dump on him i passed it off as a stupid idea but i couldn't think of anything else so i went with it so i went with it i left the party just after and i haven't seen or heard from him since not a day goes by i don't think about it needless to say i haven't told anyone about this in real life i'm not sure but his save vengeance was a dish best served crappy an eye for an eye a dump for a dump my senior year in college my housemate went from being my best friend to a cold-hearted butthole who was mean to my dog so i peed in his mouthwash was mean to your dog i'll allow it there was a teacher that i hated in middle school and he hated me just as much one day i noticed that one of the magazines in our classroom had his address on it i wrote it down and waited until summer vacation so it would be less suspicious i went to borders and got a bunch of magazine subscription inserts and had a close friend who went to another school fill them out with his information i checked the bill me later and sent them out when i got back to school the next year i could tell he suspected me but couldn't prove it and i was happy because i didn't have any classes with him anymore ah the classic sign your enemies up for magazine subscriptions revenge a friend of mine had been seriously third wheeling me with a certain girl that i was into i asked why and he said it was fair game may the best man win so i decided to find him another suitable partner i went on to omigil typed gay into preferences met a slew of lovely middle-aged men who wanted my kick and thus gave them his he received pictures of asses dongs and 44 year old men wanting to let daddy see you in my eyes justice was served finally no rag rates nsw what's the most freaked up truth or dare game you've ever had i was 16 and still very much an awkward teenager sitting at home one night when my phone rang a group of girls were going to a party at my good friend's house and wanted me to tag along since they knew he and i were close so we get where and it's a normal party situation someone got a case of beer another stole some liquor from their parents cabinet so after an hour or two everyone was teenager buzzed and getting flirty we sit down for a game of truth or dare and the typical kisser and take your shirt off goes around a few times so after about an hour there's a bunch of us half naked in a circle this is around the time where it goes downhill my buddy's dad comes home early from whatever he was doing and we hear the garage door open but we all panic and try to redress as quickly as possible in the calamity i grabbed a girl's shirt and she starts freaking out because she couldn't find it his dad walks in as i'm struggling to put on what i finally figured out wasn't my shirt and starts yelling at us all to get out i gave the girl back her shirt as everyone is rushed out of the house i'm the last to leave as i want to find my clothes but give up after his dad is getting seriously p offered me by the time i get to the driveway i notice the girls have left without me so i'm stuck a few miles away from home without a ride and a shirt i said frickit there's no remedy in this situation and just ran my drunk butt as far as i could i made it about halfway before i stopped to catch my breath in a neighborhood next to a green belt i'm paused on the sidewalk when i look up and see a cop parked a few houses down cop flicks on his headlights and i just stopped there was no way i was going to make this situation any worse so they pull up next to me and ask if everything is okay i was completely honest with them and told the entire story i fully expected a ticket but they just started laughing at me and offered a ride home when i got home i see my mom sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette so i step out of a cop car half naked in the middle of the night to my mother shaking her head looking like heck fire has struck deep in her soul i got grounded for two weeks totally worth it though because i saw my first titty that night tl dr doesn't matter saw titty i had a sleepover in the first year of middle school my parents were so happy because i barely had any friends so they did everything they could to make the party awesome include leaving us totally alone we played truth or dare and there was this one girl who was really good and nice straight as miss perfect pretty much someone i can't remember who dared her to take off her pants and underwear and go naked from the waist down for the rest of the night she didn't want it but she started to get made fun of for not doing it so she did she looked so miserable walking around my house with her butt and lady parts exposed to the world granted we were all girls but it's was still weird i'll never forget how sad she looked i started to say something about it but i didn't want to go back to having no friends so i didn't but i still feel kinda bad about that to this day well if you say something you at least have one friend i'm sure she would have been grateful my friend used to think he was some sort of player so we were all sitting around playing and we all knew he was going to dare the hottest girl to kiss him so we set our plan into action my other friend dared him to chug a bottle of ranch dressing which he did then i dared him to chug a liter of pepsi one which he did he then proceeded to rafe hard and very very loud into a trash can in the kitchen his tongue and he dares the girl to make out with him she refused we laughed what good are friends if they don't don't lock you at every turn i picked dare and finger banged a girl for the first time that part was really great the bad part was how i walked out of the bathroom and let my friend smell my finger i was a pretty stupid kid sorry betty you were a real sweetheart and i really liked making out with you whoa black betty my roommate asked me to rate the attractiveness of all the players i figured what's the point of truth or dare if you don't tell the truth and gave everyone a pretty high score except for my one friend who was morbidly obese and the kind of depressed that makes it feel like you're throwing your support and encouragement into a black hole i tried to be friends with him but at that point in my life i don't think i was mature enough to handle it well anyway i rated him as a four which upset him and then i went back to his apartment and spent the whole night trying to console him after making the terrible decision of revealing that my rating was not based on looks but on personality basically it's not that i don't think you're hot it's just that i don't like you as a person i feel terrible for how i handled that situation and honestly how i handled the entire friendship never played tragic hair we just did theirs friend dared me to jump into a glacial pool but naked my heart almost stopped last time anyone did that for a week i dare myself to get my dong sucked by becky she actually did it b spat my spunk all over my new hoodie though was not impressed i was like 15. let me tell you if i was getting a blowy at 15 she can spit that anywhere she wants was it a small purty someone decided to dare a shy girl to leave yeah that butthole got quite some mean looks for that harsh literally every person kissed every other person except me i know there are some seriously messed up stuff in this thread but i have to say it hurt that i was not kissed by anyone everyone thought you were too dang attractive to use as a dare when i was 14 i played truth or dare at a party someone dared me to go on amigo wearing no pants so i was just sitting there with no pants with a bunch of random dudes starting at me god that was the most humiliating thing so much guilt after just an average day on omegle for the other users then greek letter iota was in seventh grade and this was near those weird middle school arties in order to spare some details greek letter ryota ran around my friend's house shirtless with a tampon up my nose singing and shining anthem adolescence was weird i was about 17 playing truth or dare at my buddy's gfs house my xgf was there we recently broke up but still got along fine parking truth or dare she ends up getting dared to blow this dude she had a thing for and did it i was p to say the least they went into the bathroom to do this as the game went on the game got more and more physical a girl was dared to blow me in the bathroom me being funny and fairly intoxicated stand up and drop my pants upping the dare factor at this point everyone had seen some body part of everyone not missing a beat she crawls over and does the deed right there in front of everyone as epic as it sounds i was excited scared drunk and freaked out all at the same time and didn't know what to do she stopped after a few seconds and everyone was in shock we won truth or dare that night that was the craziest night of my young life and that's only half the story in a nutshell i accomplished the hat trick later that night i want to know what the hat trick was band busses were the best for truth and dares probably no definitely some physical assault going on there anyhow one time it was getting a little too much for me and i was tired so i went and laid down and went to sleep i woke up some time later and this girl was laying on top of me i said uh hey and she said hey then it was silent for a few minutes and she got up and left the group that was previously playing truth or dare started giggling earlier a dare was for someone else to grope her and she did not care she wasn't even part of the game at that point banned buses were the best for truth and dares probably no definitely some physical assault going on there no truer statement has ever been made fifth grade all girl sleepover we were at the cusp of puberty and only kinda knew what was going on lots of dares involving getting naked and humping stuffed animals not truth or dare but another game that involves des also not me but i was there for it anyway enough pretext long story short my friend who is a guy by the way had to knock on his next door neighbor's door at four o'clock in the morning and attempt to get inside the house using the excuse sorry i was here earlier and i forgot my purse got this one kid in our friend group who turned into a douche after he finally lost his v card at 21 to motorboat our other friends harrier scrack best part about that game that night was i wasn't even playing i just hosted the party and fed ideas to the group i was 18. god dared to lick a girl's feet and thought it was weird as frick turns out that she had a foot fetish and was into me and liked the power trip i need a party like that playing truth or dare when i was like 15 or 16 my boyfriend chose truth and in front of everyone admitted he had been cheating on me all these dang monopoly cheaters we were three at the end of a good night drinking all in bed buzzed and it ended in a threesome great fun pretty weird since we are all best friends two guys one girl that is a young age to be doing that type of activity we were playing for a pot of three dollars it was down to me and my friend my friend used his skip already so i dare him something that i know he'll have to skip on put a banana in your butt and eat it this mother sucker gets up sticks the banana in his butt and completely devours the banana he won the three dollar three dollars is three dollars my friend was dead to put a ping pong ball in her butt and then shoot it into someone else's mouth a ball got stuck she wasn't very happy not me personally but i was there a friend dead another friend to put a popsicle in there fanny she did it and complained about it for years afterwards that's probably because no one dared her to take it out when i was seven or eight i had somehow started spending some time with a group of three older boys probably 14 15 can't remember exactly they used truth or dare as an excuse to do gay things with each other nothing wrong with gays obviously but this was in the 90s when it was still kind of not right glory holes and cottaging were at an all-time high so yeah those guys i didn't actually hang around to see anything but i somehow think i was at risk when i was in their company in middle high school probably 16 stroke 17 or so during the game one girl says that she has her nipples pierced doesn't take long before she is showing them off she has rings them she ended up being dared to be a part of every dare for the rest of the night being kids we ended up having her tied to random things while we were playing including belt loops she would kneel in front of guys in nothing but panties while basically being hit the face with anything hard they might have and other girls earrings making the other girl motorboat her for the rest of the round typically you earn 16 stroke 17 in middle school more like high school i picked truth and they asked me if i had ever cheated on my girlfriend i could have lied but i wanted to get this thing that has been haunting me off my chest i did cheat and i feel terrible about it we were playing monopoly one night and she was being so mean to me that i just snapped i took some money from the bank when she wasn't looking i cheated she didn't notice and i didn't tell her when we were in bed that night she asked me if she could trust me no matter what and i said yes after she fell asleep snuck upstairs and fricked her sister jesus christmas i donny no but i dared a girl to kiss me and we made out nothing came about it pun not intended i was 12 she was 13 almost 14. dang didn't know that actually worked i once saw my buddy try to pull this off when we were 16 the girl did one of those disgusted faces and was like uh how about you choose a different bear luckily i had the aloe vera with me in my pocket i went to catalina island for a field trip for my ap bio class and on the second night there everyone played truth or dare a lot of people had to give lap dances and two people had to interlock those it was funny seeing people who seemed like innocent nodes get ratchet however one girl picked truth and was asked who do you like she told 20 plus people who she liked it was very interesting comma two people had to interlock those dang those ap bio kids get pretty rowdy a buddy of mine was dead to crap in thr toilet pick it up bring it outside and throw it on the driveway sucker did it he got me back later for it though he did the whole shaving cream to the face thing being 12 was weird every god dang time one of these threads explodes i wake up to an inbox of like 200 freaking higher scandy messages at least this thread isn't going anywhere one hour old and only 25 up votes i'm off to bed jokes on you guys this wasn't even the grossest thing that happened in my life maybe some other time i'll tell you about tina the girl with the 3-inch [ __ ] and prolapsed danisat was really into golden showers w her parents we were playing at our college dorm i picked dare couple of girls playing dared me to go to other strangers and asked me to scold them especially asking them to stop staring at the girls those who dared me a couple of guys felt very embarrassed and told me that they didn't mean to stare while one guy got angry he was so infuriated that he started pushing me and told me that i can't tell him what to do before situation got worse i had to tell them it was a prank bro social experiment goncarnal in dahood 2016. i was nine my brother was 16 he disguised physical abusers des i was so happy to be getting some attention from him and didn't want to lose the game that i did what i was dared to do it fricked me up and years later i'm still freaked up by it god i'm sorry that was not your fault and i hope you don't blame yourself i hope you're getting counseling or some sort of support sending you love had a drunken night of truth or dare with a couple friends and some guys we hooked up with my friend dared me to go out with the guy i was with after he asked me and i said no it was just supposed to be a one night stand we've been married for 20 years that's fricked up okay so this happened a few months ago maybe october i was hanging out with my roommate and we decided to make a new drinking game up ended up being we all had to take as many shots as we can handle and the person who takes the least and the session had to take a dare from the person who took the most needless to say we made it up to target a specific guy we really didn't like he talks a lot of crap and can't back it up to your face real crap eating grin too and he stole a bunch of our crap and acted like he didn't when i watched him do it we had a serious grudge against him and despite talking a big game he really couldn't handle his alcohol my roommate wins and he loses as we'd expected we got him to pass his cell phone around and let everybody in the room send one text message i texted his mom asking for some speed he looks like a speed head somebody texted his girlfriend saying he was cheating and my roommate sent a picture of his own dong which he whipped out and took a picture of in front of everybody to the 18 year old sister straight savages my buddy and his girlfriend both turned 18 within days and booked a hotel room for them and two other friends to stay in and get s-faced i was obviously one of the friends we were pretty good and drunk and deep into a game of t or d i was dead to swallow a strand of my buddies gf's hair so i did i made a funny face when it went down my throat everyone laughed and the game continued the next morning i woke up and took a massive alcohol crap the fricked up part is when a piece of my crap was dangling just inches over the water in the toilet because it was attached to the strand of hair that was still hanging from my butthole i had to reach down and pull the rest of it out like when your dog eats a piece of string only with a string of human hair it seemed normal at the time but we used to play a spin the bottle dare type thing down the park when we were younger i am talking year 6 uk so probably 10 11 anyway thinking about it now it escalated quickly kiss sure oh touch her fanny well that feels weird get wanked off i'm okay cool before we knew it we were all getting [ __ ] and finger banging the crap out of each other i have this vivid memory of one girl having this massive bush the standard more developed than the others girl who had boobs at nine anyway i peaked pretty young after that there was then this three-stroke four-year gap where we all went off to different school stopped hanging about and it took until we were like 14 stroke 15 for everyone to be doing that stuff again me and my friend were talking about it the other day both involved in those young sessions i refer to above is that normal we both sort of admitted we may be overly physical as adults who knows though aren't we all and wondered if it could stem back to that we also admitted looking back it was probably a bit weird and definitely hasn't been forgotten about sar in the uk fanny refers to the front butt a friend's little brother dared someone to slice open their finger jam a paper clip into it and put the paper clip into an electrical outlet after we said no he dared the same person to burn down the church two blocks down truth or dare one night at her outdoor kitchen where me and a big group of my friends used to hang out well my buddy tom for the sake of his pvc brought his girlfriend hillary i being the evil bastard planned this one out there was a super old dusty signed football on top the shelf just covered with dust i dared tom to lick it from end to end next go around i dead hillary to eat a full herbero pepper and just when they didn't think it could get worse before either rinsed out their mouths i made them make out so they each got dusty but have a narrow mouth if you ever get the chance again habanero and bj equals hilarity new year's eve and i had four friends over one of the dares was having to lick chocolate syrup off my foot and the same guy had to snort hot chocolate powder my brother ran up and down the street in his boxes we made my friend eat a surprise sandwich with egg yolk pear preserves syrup and cat food i got slapped in the bare stomach by everyone with each one getting harder and harder and then my cousin had to drink a mixture of mayonnaise salsa hot chocolate powder syrup and sweet tea so yeah crap got weird my cousin and i used to play this game where one person made a gross food and the other person had to eat it then we switched rolls until someone refused to eat something the winner was toothpaste cat food coffee beans and vinegar i believe technically i did not concede but i did throw up and we stopped the game after that freshman year in high school truth or dare and we have changed the rules a bit all a little messed up already we got to the point all team truth or dare does when the first physical dare start coming out a girl had flashed the boys there her tea a guy had to pull out his dong and show the girls and then the real one happened a friend dead the chick i had a crush on to get into a three girl circle of oral three girls in the ring three guys they all just start undressing and go at it there wasn't even any looking at each other to see if the others wanted to that part sticks out in my mind almost as much as the fact that not a single one of us guys took off a single bit of clothing touched a single girl or said a single word we sat there doing nothing just teams completely lost in what to do the entire time i was thinking any second now i'm getting in on this never did they stopped and kinda looked at us one was almost mad at us and she tried to continue the game with a dare that i can't remember and i can't remember how the game ended but i did end up freaking the chick i didn't have a crush on which in hindsight meant i fricked the hotter one of the three the soul in all a win but god dang if we didn't freeze up completely there playing truth or dare with my cousins and our mutual friends one of my cousins was pregnant but hadn't told her boyfriend yet they were both 14 and both playing it comes up to the point in which this dumb instigating bee asks my cousin truth or dare and when my cousin chose dare she dared her to finish off what was left in the bottle of vodka sitting in the middle of us all my cousin obviously said no that she couldn't this prompted the girl to say fine truth are you pregnant my cousin denied it and said no the girl however was persistent why won't you drink then i just don't feel like it you can't deny a dare because you don't feel like it i quit drinking yeah and i can freaking fly take the drink adela no her boyfriend at this point could tell what was going on my cousin was not the type to turn down a drink and especially not the type to quit drinking all together he stands up throws a bottle at the instigator's face grabs adela and leads her to a back room my other cousin marlena took the instigator to her bathroom to get cleaned up the bottle hadn't broken just hit her in the lip pretty badly the rest of us remained silent listening to my cousin adler and her boyfriend screaming at each other eventually the screaming turned into crying finally they both walked out in tears and he left without saying a word he ended up having a miscarriage too so yeah that game freaking sucked when i was in fifth grade my gf and i would make out when dead two teenagers thought it was hilarious we just liked an excuse to make out one friend dead another friend to pee in his mouth we were 12 10 years later i still can't get the image out of my head if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: UE Stories

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Keywords: funny stories, funny, try not to laugh, try not to laugh challenge, lauch, funniest stories, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: eBxmf1k2biA

Length: 127min 9sec (7629 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 03 2020