I'm With Stupid (3-Hour Reddit Compilation)

serious safety offshore inspectors have read it what is the most maddening dumbest violation you've seen in a workplace i used to work as a safety consultant for an insurance broker one of our insureds had an employee who was tasked to apply it do not enter compactor starts automatically sign on a cardboard box compactor the idiot set the can of spray adhesive on the lip of the compactor knocked it in and then jumped in the compactor to get it of course it started automatically because it's a machine that can't tell idiot from box he's lucky someone else was walking by and saved his life i used to have to climb down the cardboard shoot at work all the time i'd take the key down with me that way the machine couldn't start i was on the workplace health and safety committee the committee head at the time decided to change a light bulb do you think that she used a step ladder on the sloped surface nope office chair with wheels and nobody to hold it still so many stupid decisions in that last sentence of course she fell broke her arm and received workplace compensation the kicker the light bulb wasn't blown she was just using the wrong light switch the light bulb wasn't blown she was just using the wrong light switch row just wow worked in the hospital lab and higher ranked co-worker asked me to take inventory of things from adequate nitrogen storage tank minus 200c mind you i asked her for the proper mitts to handle our stuff and she told me to just use our usual latex gloves wtf my company rents the lab space of the hospital so i'm assuming she doesn't know where it is and doesn't care to ask i proceed to ask the hospital lab staff for proper mits to which i was given after i took inventory co-worker decided she wanted to do a verification inventory check and had the audacity to ask me for the proper mitts foe frick i work with liquid nitrogen in a lab too and i make them buy a new pair if the others are even remotely damaged bugger messing around with that port state inspector for me and most of my colleagues it's things relating to fire safety particularly fire doors the amount of time i've found auto closing doors tied wedged weighted or just fixed in the open position is maddening fire is the worst thing that can happen on a ship and these doors have to be able to be closed at any time but people are too freaking lazy to open a goddang door so they tie them open and then guess what time and time again there is a fire and when we do the investigation assuming there is anything left to investigate we find a fire door fixed open that's allowed to fire to spreed people in my industry literally die every year because some freaking ab or assistant engineer to too freaking lazy to open a door short they don't have magnetic fire doors then the ones that are always open then close on alarm worked in a warehouse that repaired tools and equipment for erecting wind turbines there was one beloved program manager that always met schedules early and under budget all the ex loved him but his equipment came back basically disassembled and reassembled with all the safety checks removed so they'd work faster the way they rigged up the electrical equipment was downright scary he'd hire unqualified lifting equipment inspectors for his work site instead of relying on the corporate guys who took their time and kept documentation on everything stuff like that cutting corners whenever he could but he got everything done on time so he was a golden goose every time i hear of an accident at a wind farm i wonder if it's related to that guy wasn't our plant but another plant for our company we have these huge steel drums that we fill with 100 s of pounds of ingredients that go onto a hydraulic lift that lifts and tilts the drum and pours the contents into a kettle the drum shifts forward a little bit on the lift while all the way up and falls back into place on its way down the operator was resting his hand on the bottom of the lift while lowering it back down and the drum fell back down on his finger and pretty much turned it into mush that's not the worst part afterwards the safety lead was doing a review of the incident and another operator showed the safety lead exactly what happened and smashed his finger in the same manner that's utterly golden i taught skydivers to be tandem instructors one drop zone bought a new type of tandem rig and faked their training management had them lie about it to me and another examiner chief instructor's excuse they're all the same anyway he had a malfunction caused by his not knowing how the rig worked and his poor paying first-time passenger had no idea the danger this arrogant prick put him through the worst thing was the training was free seriously wtf for sale tandem rig only used once never been opened small stain we received a complaint about workers using liquid nitrogen inside of a confined space i went out to this sand and gravel company and saw this 30 feet long above ground storage tank there was a liquid nitrogen tank outside the opening and two workers outside i showed mired and discovered one of the workers outside was the foreman and the other was monitoring the air quality for the workers all good right nope the entrance was a small square opening at the end there were about four workers inside the tank using liquid nitrogen to cool the tar in the tank so it could be chipped out so they were introducing a gas which could displace oxygen the person doing air monitoring had a probe only a couple feet long so it was only really checking the air quality of the fresh air mixed with tank air not the air in the workers breathing zone the workers were about 15 feet into the tank they had no confined space training no confined space permit no rescue plan the foreman then copped an attitude and told me i was wasting their time i read tagged the operation normally reserved for only when voluntary immediate compliance seems unlikely and told them it was illegal for them to continue work or re-enter the tank until they met the confined space rules it was a pretty hefty fine the company didn't appeal i think the foreman got fired as management seemed unaware that the activity was taking place and was further upset at the foreman's reaction normally sand and gravel companies in my area do a good job with health and safety it was a rare miss for them a place my father-in-law worked had a guy die in a tank that was being cleaned they had all the required procedures the guy just didn't follow them working alone no ventilation not asked to do the job by anyone he just did it a lot changed after that i worked in a lab doing situma golovkin risk research one day we had workers in replacing the lights and one said while i always thought those shower things were real pointing at one of the emergency showers in the lab these are for heavy duty chemical spills where you run under the shower and pull the handle to decontaminate it turns out ours were just the shower heads in the ceiling not connected to any water we used extremely dangerous chemicals every day we got the showers hooked up pretty quickly after that goddamn i hope whoever installed those originally faced some consequences i work as a fire safety and h s officer at one of my sites this particular one being a small medium sized shop i was made aware of a hidden room there's a narrow corridor to enter that they blocked off whenever they knew i was coming no fire door so any fire spreads straight onto the main shopping area the room contains a plethora of 400 stroke 415 volt panels and is absolutely rammed with wood cardboard boxes and what felt like every combustible material possible roughly 30 years worth of crap essentially the mother of all fire hazards with enough immediate fuel and oxygen to burn down the building and neighboring stores the maddening part of it was essentially all the stuff at the shop were aware of it but did nothing to fix the issue and even actively work to hide it if you see a fire hazard please fix it or report it also the soul fire escape was jammed due to the door warping and would not open at all having not been checked in i imagine the roughly two months since i was last on site i'm not a safety inspector but this came to mind i am an electrician in las vegas one job site i was on was the remodel of the hotel tower at caesar's palace we started at the bottom floor and worked our way up the tower one floor a week for a year it was horrible air conditions major demolition massive dust because the hotel windows in vegas don't open in order to keep people from jumping out they rely on exhaust fans to circulate air but don't run the fans for the subhuman construction workers like myself then after almost a year coughing and gagging when we were on the very last floor level 44 a team of men showed up in hazmat suits and shut the job down apparently all of the sparkly dust we were breathing every day was almost entirely asbestos fml if the asbestos thing is true and you've got it documented you work there you've got a lawyer's wet dream of a case my dad works on a large renovation project for a national landmark he identified a hazard where workers putting up scaffolding would have to walk along the sloped incline of a plateau that functioned as the foundation for a construction shack all the while carrying the scaffolding components but they didn't he have to walk up the hill or down the hill but along the entire width of the sloped base this is a hazard since workers had no form of handrails other support and could easily twist their ankles or lose their balance he notified the foreman about this in the morning he didn't think it a problem he notified the site manager of this in response but he was in meetings all morning that afternoon he spots a group of three guys walking on the construction site shorts sandals and no helmets he walks up to them so gents what are we doing you now you need steel-toed boots and helmets right yes sir but we're just leaving and heading home we all twisted our ankles and can't continue working sure enough all of them had scraped bruise knees and shins that were the workers putting up the scaffolding every single one of them half an hour later the foreman comes walking over to him what the heck do you think you're doing going over my head like that i have got to schedule to finish here those scaffolds need to be up by tomorrow and wired by the end of the week i don't have time for this i don't know if you've noticed but all the workers for the scaffolding have gone home injured and now since they can't finish the scaffolding the electricians can't start on the wiring the day after tomorrow and the whole project is looking at a two weeks delay at least sad that the workers were injured but hopefully the foreman learned his lesson former safety rep who specialized in industrial food manufacturing working for the largest food companies i am now in school for psychology so i'm interning at a clinic in my interview i said that was my previous career so they asked me to do their eep and exit maps yet they won't buy the fire extinguisher signs the thing i repeatedly tell them to do is unlock one of the doors leading to a exit door they have a storage file room with one of the emergency exits and you can't walk in the room even if the door is unlocked that's no good the latter issue seems a bit too similar to the infamous triangle shirt waste fire this was a fire in 1911 where garment workers were unable to flee a fire because the door leading to the stairs was locked and almost 150 people died i've worked for a couple of engineering contractors in the past my first firm was by far the worst for lack of work ethic and sheer incompetence our usher would have a field day with them one time our reciprocating saw broke the foot that held the blade in place was busted so rather than follow protocol and get another saw my co-worker fastened the blade in place with a plastic wire tie and proceeded to use it the same firm worked as contractors for the company my dad worked for so he has the best worst stories about them on one site they'd found that sections of a pipeline had been sealed with asbestos gaskets the boss of my firm i'll call him jim was present on this site and had to call in a specialist to remove the asbestos jim would never wear safety gear like the other guys claiming to be exempt and so when the specialist turned up in full breathing gear and overalls and tried to do his job jim just stood leaning on the pipe in his normal clothes talking to him my dad and the others are stood well away from the asbestos at this point and he shouts out jim what are you immune immune to what freaking asbestos ah i've breathed loads of it into the power stations it's all political my dad says that jim has defied all facets of medical science by staying alive this long someone post a writing prompt about jim being an immortal who just doesn't give enough of a crap to hide anymore safety inspector for an engineering service company the amount of basic fuck-ups when any floor staff tried rigging equipment to be lifted is too dang high these people have had the correct training but seem to think getting it done quicker is a lot better than getting it done safely oftentimes management supervisors will be encouraging that crap too got called to a factory where the workers had to cut metal on large conveyor belts there were large boxes with built-in gloves that you stuck your hands in to operate the press so for safety workers had on one set of gloves that everyone wore on the factory floor because sharp hot metal and then stuck their hands in a second pair attached to the belt to reach the materials one of the workers felt like this slowed him down so he cut a hole in the safety box to be able to just reach in and adjust the metal to the press except the press came down on his hand leaving four of his fingers perfectly preserved inside the glove they recovered his wedding ring neatly dangling right above the cut-off finger bone i didn't see it personally but someone smoking and another person eating lunch inside of what was a high-risk containment during an asbestos abatement in a high risk you have to be naked under your body suits shower when you leave cannot bring anything in or out that hasn't been washed and you have to wear a full face mask it's supposed to be very sterile these guys had their face masks off inside the containment eating and smoking i knew a guy that worked in asbestos abatement mainly large buildings he said they took respirators off all the time as they were hot and they would make snowballs out of the asbestos mush that wetting it down creates and throw them at each other asbestos fights a powder actuated hammer is a gun that fires nails into steel using gunpowder i once had to prevent someone from looking down the barrel of one when it jammed tons of fun around demolition crews too like preventing them from demoing the parts of the building holding up the area they are standing on commonly mistaking the live wires for the clearly marked out disabled wires or constantly starting fires when you need to work out some stress usually they don't mind lending you a sledgehammer to go work out your frustrations on anything to do with traffic around cities is a goddamn nightmare give sympathy to the flaggers they deserve a lot my parents contracted some low bidders to finish our basement maybe 10-15 years ago and one guy shot a nail right through his hand on accident because he didn't think it was on i actually am an usher inspector but i work for a state that has their own state osha plan same as federal osha but a little more strict i can almost guarantee you that if you work construction in my state you have seen us or we have seen you at my office alone which is just one county has over 40 compliance officers yes a lot of people hate us and yes there are some bad complaints officers just like there are some bad police officers when we come on site we would love nothing more than to find zero violations the amount of paperwork we have to do is astronomical we have to treat every case as if it is going to court even though maybe only two percent do people die at work every day from very preventable reasons yes sometimes injuries and deaths are caused by employees not following company rules or taking shortcuts but statistics also show that the companies with very good safety programs have lower accident rates and are typically very profitable as for worst violation that i have seen i investigated a multiple death incident at a company an employee entered a permit required confined space without utilizing the proper precautions the employee became unconscious due to the inert gases that were not properly purged from the space another employee walks by sees the unconscious employee tries to rescue him that employee then became unconscious then again with another employee now they have three unconscious employees who eventually died from lack of oxygen after the investigation the company had no written confined space policy or rescue procedures we found out after performing employee interviews that they were told to hold their breath while they performed work in the space because they were only checking a gauge and it would only take like 30 seconds after about 500 000 in fines and the owner actually going to jail for five months the company went out of business and the worst part is a fire department was located across the street and they were trained in confined space rescue the safety committee at the state psych hospital i worked at was going building to building making a surprise inspection they walked into the hospital chapel and found the chaplain sitting at his desk getting a [ __ ] by one of the patients who was under his desk that old sucker should have gone to prison but they let him take early retirement i do environmental compliance specifically air pollution control one day we received a complaint from a former employee of a company about a whole laundry list of stuff his former employer was doing wrong that's not super unusual people get fired or quit on bad terms and call basically every agency they can't think of for payback anyway we responded when we got there there were a few things that weren't right but the icing on the cake was that they had this pollution control device that was supposed to be collecting dust from one of their processes one problem though all of the dust was on the ground around it we told them in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that they needed to clean it up immediately we also told them we would be back to make sure they did a couple weeks later we scheduled a visit i cannot stress enough that this time they knew we were coming guess what we saw on our return dust all over the ground the kicker is they had this broom and shovel out there the first time and it was still there the second time just leaning on the wall like three feet from where it was the first time for those keeping track that means they either never cleaned up the dust or be that they cleaned up the dust and subsequently spilled more but either way someone had to go out there and move the shovel so despite us telling them that they could not do this and that we were going to come back and make sure it was corrected they went ahead and did actual nothing to improve the situation i've got tons of stories like this one people do some really dumb stuff and then get mad when the notice of violation shows up in the mail my dad went to his workers committee to ask them to mow the patch between the parking lot and the building because the grass had gotten so long that snakes were living in it the committee decided it was too risky to have someone mowed because there were snakes in the grass and the person mowing might get injured this is the problem with safety committees they come up with well-meaning build nonsensical requirements that create contempt in turn leading people to ignore necessary rules where the reason isn't immediately apparent i have many years doing safety inspections i have seen some fun things in my time i have seen industrial fans cord spliced onto an extension cord with the bare wires exposed and charred in the employer saying it's fine because it still worked an owner of a nursing home reached into a used and full sharps container to prove that needles were not being recapped a guy outside of a window on a third story of a house on the edge of a board removing a window pane without any fall or protection while his two buddies are inside on the other side of the board holding him up there is level of trust that i do not have with most folks walking up to a house and the owners had made a makeshift driveway out of asbestos siding that they had removed from the building the previous day and seeing kids playing in the area a compressed gas cylinder filling station would receive old cylinders and they would have to empty them prior to repairing or destroying them the guy doing this would take them out back and while holding his breath would secure them and open up the valves to empty them and then go inside this worked okay for a while until it didn't and he got dosed with a massive exposure to arsene gas the company usually didn't deal with this gas but had received from one of their customers for disposal which almost caused complete renal failure these are just a few that i can recall that kinda stuck with me there are lots and lots of run-of-the-mill safety issues that i see all the time but the majority of the time it's ignorance of the lore and not malice for most employers and full sharps container to prove that needles were not being recapped no no no no no not directly relevant but i worked for a company where the risk management executive accidentally shot himself in the leg checking to see if the safety was on on a pistol it was not i've seen two spanish lads grinding at 12 inches tati moly pipe only they had no clamp so one held it at face level and they had no glasses or face guards so they were both desperately looking away to avoid sparks in the eyes a safety squints this will seem trivial and trifling but bear with me i was the h s manager for a metal bashing company the shop floor had designated walkways where safety shoes didn't need to be worn but if you went off those walkways you needed to be wearing your safety shoes i lost count of the number of times i would be on the factory floor and see people from the offices wander into a welder's bay or the manufacturing shop in non-safety shoes the main culprits tended to be sales people but i more than once witness the managing director do it the problem is as any h and s osha professional reading this will tell you what appear to be trivial safety rules are there for a reason if you get one part of the company going yeah but those rules don't apply to me especially if those people are top management it becomes hard to set a culture for the company fire inspector here finding a guy using a propane grill inside a building he was initially pee off when i told him he couldn't do that until i showed him the stratified smoke that was about a foot off the ceiling i had an employee using a hydraulic shear 10 tons of cutting force to downsize very hard metals he got to a piece that was larger than the guard would allow so of course he removed it he went back to sizing the metal of normal thickness the position of the machine was an l so his left hand would move the material then actuate the machine with his right the machine had a deadman switch so if the handle was released behold and the shear would pop back up long story short he cut his thumb off with 10 tons of force this is coming from my step brother he managed a warehouse that had industrial sized rolls of aluminum and other metals these rolls weighed multiple tons each they would use an automated crane they would program each space available and the crane would place the roles where they were delegated my brother tells me about an employee that knew how to work the system with fmla this guy was lazy as heck and knew how to get away with it it turns out he programmed a slot on the top of the stack to be a dead zone no roles would go to that one spot he set up a makeshift bed and would crawl up and take naps he kept this secret obviously if someone had seen this spot was unused and reprogrammed it the automated crane would have placed a four-ton roll on top of him while he slept but some people are wild doctors and nurses offered it what was the craziest example of someone stupidly making their condition worse had a patient come in and had accidentally stuck a chainsaw in his leg the day before he managed to cut the fibula i think and partially cut the tibia he put some diesel on it and wrapped it in duct tape and kept working the next day he steps off something and it snaps the rest of the way through came in the front door with his leg flopping bending whereas shouldn't be and to top it off he rated his pain at six stroke ten tough old man we admitted him to ortho to clean out the diesel and necrotic flesh the six stroke ten part made me laugh honestly i can't decide whether to believe him or not surgical nurse here had a patient return to the or who had some hardware plates and screws put in their elbow for a fracture or the hardware was causing them discomfort so instead of talking to her surgeon they decided to try and remove one of the shoes with a knife and screwdriver i got the case for the wound clean up and replacement of said expose screw one of the strangest ones i've had yet i saw this young guy in the air once who had gotten into a drunken brawl with some guys at a bar when he woke up the next morning he started getting some vision changes he said that it was like a black sheet coming down on his left eye this is a textbook symptom for retinal detachment picture an incredibly thin delicate membrane on the back of the eye slowly peeling off because of trauma it's an emergency in ophthalmology because if it fully detaches you get permanent vision loss you basically need to immediately go for surgical repair and then be extremely careful with that eye for weeks afterward you even have to keep your head down most of the time for the next couple days to help the reattachment process take so naturally this guy goes and rides roller coasters all day at the local theme park with his buddies he first presented to our two days later with permanent vision loss in that eye six flags was not worth it poor guy they should stamp no carnival rides in indelible ink on such a patient's forehead it should last as long as need be male patient was in for dehydration and other very routine issues he had an indwelling catheter placed now an odd thing about some men is that they cannot wrap their minds around not standing up to pee so even though he couldn't feel any urge to urinate he stood up to pee felt the catheter forgot why it was there and promptly ripped it out now he's incontinent another patient was in recovering from surgery i think it was knee ankle something that required to use a walker while recovering she decided not to do that and test her leg she fell onto the tile floor and broke her hip my wife nurse has seen on more than one occasion a person on oxygen for emphysema blow themselves up with a cigarette she said sometimes it's funny like quality coyote funny and they're not injured but sometimes the injuries are quite severe my 84 year old grandma did this last fall i thank god and every other power that she was mostly fine first degree and mild second-degree burns especially in and around her nostrils and some bad memories to have nightmares about complete with a big black burn on the hardwood floor to remind her had a patient with stage zero breast cancer decided not to get the lump taken out and instead pursue traditional chinese medicine came back a couple years later with metastatic breast cancer everywhere another patient treated her breast cancer with coffee enemas spoiler alert it didn't work a woman who i was taking care of in labor was having heartburn and she was sucking on a quickies to get rid of it however she was also sucking on the gas and air at the same time for pain relief and she sucked so hard that she choked on the cookies and we had to call a code blue because she couldn't cough it back up we eventually sorted her out and she was okay and went back to laboring she did literally exactly the same thing 10 minutes later had to call a code again this was one of the times i really wanted to be able to tell a person that they couldn't take their baby home because they were too stupid to be allowed to have children i was a nurse for 20 years but this is a story about my husband the man has a very high pain tolerance and is always hungry so one day when i met him for lunch i was worried when he wouldn't eat and said his lower abdomen hurt i talked to her doctor friend and husband was sent for an immediate ct scan husband was sent home to wait for the results so being him felt better and ate two chili dogs with fritus of course when the doc called and told him to get to the hospital now because his appendix was about to rupture husband had to be kept in a holding pattern for 12 hours because he'd eaten a big meal i may have shouted at husband a little bit that day i am in awe i've seen my cousin screaming for mercy and or quick painless death when his appendix got infected shouting was well deserved i have a patient with autism whose mum tells him she can heal him with crystals and he has a demon inside him whenever she tries to visit him it's messed him up so much he makes himself vomit so she leaves it's super effective also patients who let their dogs lick wounds like ulcers because they think it'll make it heal quicker it does not i used to work at an oral surgeon's office a patient came in needing a tooth pulled and bc the root was near the jaw they needed to remove it under anesthesia the patient did not want to pay for the anesthesia 350 so he decided to try and take it out on his own he used blizzard ended up breaking his jaw we had to go and fix his jaw and wire his mouth shut ended up costing him 9 000 instead of 500 doctors have to treat you of you don't have money dentists don't teeth are apparently not part of your body obligatory not a doctor i'm an optician and optometrist and so many semi-blind people refuse to get glasses because they don't want to spoil their eyes they come back six months later with migraines and complain about not being able to drive in the dark or read and get angry because their eyesight is not getting better although they're always training their eyes it doesn't work like that nurse here the condition was not worsened by the patient himself but his choice of life partner certainly did not help a patient what utterly ravaged by advanced cancer several doctors have told him and his wife that his condition is terminal patients seemed to understand when he was lucid wife said she understood as well he was in hospice for comfort one night he had trouble breathing as the dying tend to do wife called 9-1-1 against patients wishes thus began a three-week pointless and painful painful ordeal that involved life support dialysis at least one round of cpr on a man whose bones were riddled with metastasis and diarrhea wife was adamant that he will get better through holistic medicine on top of being a denial she was dumber than dirt she filled the intensive care room with all sorts of new age shots like inspirational pictures and rocks she even refused pain medicine because it would like dim his chakras his wife left a crystal geode on the bed crystal worked its way underneath patient's hip patient developed a raging bed saw that never closed was nearly always soaked in faces and was a beater dress on a patient who wanted to die and was in already excruciating pain this was years ago still i can honestly say i hate that woman the healing crystal pressure saw threw me over the edge poor guy patient here i got an itch in my eye one night and figured my contact had dried out i went to remove it but the dang thing was stuck on my eye so i started pinching hard trying to get it off and then my vision went all wacky and my eye started to really hurt gave up and went to the air cause i couldn't see turns out my contact had fallen out before the whole process started and i'd been scratching the crap out of my eyeball had to wear an eye patch and put in some very unpleasant drops for a week or two oops i had a client with a stroke who received tens treatment in rehabilitation really low electric impulse to stimulate muscles and nerves after rehabilitation he was offered to get one of the things for home use completely free of charge costs he refuses because filling out the paper one page was too much work he decided to just use what he had at home and tried using a transformator transistor for this therapy that completely destroyed the small amount of nerve function we had archived in rehabilitation and screwed up his condition a lot do not try this this hurts a lot when i was on medicine wards in med school we had a patient with the zinc as diverticulum it's essentially a weak spot as his esophagus kinda makes an out pouching where food and liquid gets stuck he can then regurgitate the food and aspirate leading to pneumonia and other bad stuff we were the primary team and serg was going to take him back to the ore on friday thursday night he eloped and no one knew where he went he came back monday to the ed and got readmitted when we asked where he went he said there was a big food festival that weekend that he didn't want to miss so he went instead of getting the surgery he needed he left to go eat fatty and thick fried foods which literally could have killed him my mom's current bf has oral and throat cancer guy literally has a stoma and no tongue was still smoking around three packs a day until recently mill got diagnosed w stage three lung cancer quit smoking and drinking for a couple of months as soon as doctor said her condition was improving she went straight back to smoking and partying only took a few months for the cancer to get to stage four and spread to her liver kidneys and brain she smoked up until a couple days before she died and even then only because the brain cancer caused her to lose control of her limbs and she physically couldn't hold a cigarette anymore it was so sad to watch i'm incredibly proud of my husband though he quit smoking with her to help support her and never started again even after she did said he never wants our girls to have to go through that with him not a doctor but i had a stress fracture in my foot that had to be surgically corrected i was given a 60-day supply of vicodin but my now ex-husband was a recovering alcoholic who had me convinced that i was going to become horribly addicted if i took them for more than a couple days so i began taking a leave because it was stronger than tylenol and i only had to take one a day my foot was very slow to heal like a couple months go by instead of the usual six weeks i had to get a ct scan and i was very worried because this small little fracture just wasn't healing my doctor asked what i was doing for pain and i told him about the aleve turns out nsaids interfere with bone healing i cut out the leave and my foot healed a few weeks later your ex obviously produced a peer-reviewed study researching hahahahahahaha word comp adjuster here had a claim and completely disappear after a surgery was ordered fast forward two years and he gets an attorney who demands the surgery be approved now after months of back and forth we approve the wrist surgery two days post-op the police find him walking down a county road blasted out of his mind on him ripping out his stitches apparently he went on a rim binge and just tore apart his surgical site doctor dropped him his attorney dropped him the state basically closed his case the last i heard was he got out of jail grabbed all his meds from home and disappeared again but never followed up with the doctor i cringe to think what his arm looks like md here had a patient who was found unconscious and taken to our hospital turns out he was diabetic unbeknownst to him and went into a coma we got him straightened out and sent him home with insulin fast forward a week or two and he comes into the air for vomiting dehydration and blurred vision he hadn't been taking his insulin since only really sick people need insulin well he's technically right we see a lot of people who get to common rash like eczema or some other unspecified dermatitis who very sadly convince themselves that they have bugs or worms or other creatures in their skin they dig at their skin pour bleach on themselves several times a day or even cut themselves into the skin to try to dig these non-existent parasites out in doing so they hurt sting itch and suffer more some isolate themselves from family and friends fearing they'll spread a non-existent infestation it's sad not a doctor but my sister and i go christmas shopping she's newly pregnant i can tell she's in pain and it's getting worse she claims it's just gas she thinks all stomach pain is gas i offer to take both carts to check out while she sits for a bit at this point she's vomiting i'm pretty worried and tell her i think we need to go to the hospital she insisted it was gas and she had a doctor's appointment the next day so she'd mention it next day she has ultrasound before ob appointment five minutes and she calls me and says she doesn't know what's happening but they told her to get dressed and not to move she hears them call an ambulance ruptured ectopic pregnancy with internal bleeding she's fine though ended up pregnant again two months later with my nephew but she still doesn't learn after weeks of her sick and looking like death i convinced her to go to her doctor last week she has pneumonia she was probably in denial about losing her baby glad she got pregnant again but i'm sure she still feels that loss but also she does just sound kind of stupid about her own health you don't just miss pneumonia homeless man came in the air with a small cut on his scalp doc stitched it up but he went back to sleeping in the gutter never came back for his checkup a week later six months later he showed up with an entire colony of maggots living under his scalp oncology nurse here had a patient with a relatively treatable cancer failed to tell us about a herbal cure that his son bought for 300 a bottle he was taking it while getting chemotherapy he wound up basically shutting down his liver and kidneys hospitalized four weeks and delaying treatment so yeah the cancer spread system to weaken to resume treatment he's dead and all because of the snake oil cure sad that families spend hundreds to thousands of dollars out of desperation and wind up causing more harm death but holes that promote these cures for profit need to be sued not stupid but just plain confused grandpa admitted for pelvic distension pyelonephritis and ut secondary to urinary retention urologist places a foley catheter in to relieve his bladder and drains three gallons of urine in one sitting grandpa gets a good day's rest and all goes well until one night we find him standing butt naked in the middle of his room with his penis using a pool of blood at his feet in the catheter with the balloon still inflated clutched in his fist but he had a very calm what are you all looking at expression as we reacted in horror his nurse quickly calls the urologist again and he places another foley catheter with orders for continuous irrigation and to transfuse a unit of blood kept him longer in the hospital than he really needed to be nope stop my penis is now a raisin i'm an animal nurse vet tech and had a chihuahua coming that had been limping the owners had been giving him ibuprofen inside of pieces of chocolate it was certainly a self-inflicted condition old guy in for rehab after some kind of orthopedic surgery taking warfarin for dvt prophylaxis his inr a clotting time test basically was coming back out of whack time after time despite disadjustments and nobody could really figure it out went in his room on some routine task and saw a large pill bottle on the dresser turned out to be an herbal supplement containing among other things garlic ginger and if i recall correctly ginseng all of which interact with warfarin to make it more effective guys wife took pills home guy lectured on please run even otc meds passed your doctor cause you absolutely did this to yourself labs normalized geez i have to stay away from herbal teas because of warfarin what an idiot contact lens wearers please do yourself a favor and take out your contacts when you're told to i had a patient who came in and she thought she scratched her eye taking her contact out when we looked she had a gigantic ulcer on her eye yes like a canker sore that you get on your mouth can be on your eye ulcers if deep enough will eventually scar depending on where the ulcer develops will determine if there is any long-term damage done i would say if the ulcer was about 0.5 mm to the left the patient would have lost some of her central vision she already had five ulcer scars in that eye and eight ulcer scars in the other this was not her first rodeo turns out she sleeps in her contacts every night and throws them out about once every three months to save money a year supply of her monthly contacts was 120 that one office visit alone was about 100 plus about 200 for a tiny bottle of medication to treat the ulcer not to mention a co-pay for her follow-up visits of course she has no backup glasses and obviously can't wear the contacts with an ulcer so she also had to pay to get a quick pair of glasses made about another 400 setback contact lens where time is not set to make more money for the idocs your eye will literally develop a sore to tell you that it needs to breathe please help out your eyes i don't know how anyone can sleep in their contacts it feels like when you wake up and your mouth is so dry not even the tears of jesus would quench your thirst except it's your eyeballs i had a little old lady come in complaining of coughing up blood she was spitting up huge clots of blood every few minutes and had pain in her throat i asked her if she had done anything for the pain she told me well i smoked some crack i asked her if she normally smokes crack she said no i'm a drinker but i thought it might help moral of the story crack will not help you with anything haiku nurse took care of an 18 year old who got into a fight with his mom about not letting him borrow the car that night he got so mad he rammed his head into a wall giving himself a brain bleed he woke up out of surgery and his mom had to prompt him to acknowledge the neurosurgeon who saved his life all he said was appreciate it i caught him taking pictures throwing up gang signs in his craniotomy cap just so dumb not a doctor or nurse but my sister was diagnosed with acute hemorrhagic pancreatitis when she was 16 causes crappy genes she cannot eat anything with fats when she was discharged after an almost one year stay in the hospital she sneakily ate a small chunk of fried pork goddamn we were immediately thrown back to square one thankful that miracles happened twice nursing student here female patient had an indwelling catheter to help void her urine she had fluid overload from heart failure i was at the nursing station giving my co-signed nurse a report when i saw my patient walk up to us and start speaking to us in greek it took me about two seconds to realize that she didn't have her walker with her another two seconds to notice she didn't have her catheter with her either i walked her back to bed and saw the catheter attached to her bed post with the balloon still fully inflated i'm going to go wash my brain out with soap now and maybe sit on an ice pack or two my bits hurt just reading that it you just have to keep reading in order to purge the previous stories that made you recoil eventually you'll get to a point where you come to a story that doesn't make you flinch as much as the others quit then thanks for the checkpoint i'm getting out of here not a doctor or a nurse just the niece of a man that after having a surgery performed on his gut and being told not to eat anything for the next 24 hours decided to get chili cheese fries at wendy's on his way home from the hospital he went right back and his condition worsened also my fiance's mother is a nurse and told us that a man came in once with a tiny guy to sneak up his urethra it had been there for weeks before he came in because he was too embarrassed to admit he let the snake go exploring on purpose before it got stuck and died inside of him so he promptly died of septicemia i have had enough of this thread i had a patient the other day come in totally altered with the blood pressure of like 73 stroke 45 turns out he took his blood pressure at home and seeing that it was elevated decided to take his blood pressure medications the thing is he had never taken these medications before one being prescribed in 2016 and the other in 2017 by different physicians who didn't know about the other prescription after we got his pressure up and he started talking since he started complaining of a terrible headache i told him well yeah you have a headache you just under perfused your brain for who knows how long you should be thankful you don't have brain damage moral of the story always tell your physician all the medications you are prescribed whether you take them or not woman came in the order to get her foot amputated she got into the ore and cancelled the procedure because the walls were green rn take my advice if you are a fragile diabetic with end stage renal disease don't do c just don't mid-20s female with a less than stellar outcome she died i spent literally years putting her into aiku because of her own crappy decisions she was a frequent flyer in maya so it was only a matter of time until she put herself into a hearse i mean i feel doing c is unhealthy regardless of whether you're diabetic or not but yeah no don't do that he had chest pain so he took some c he may or may not have been having a heart attack before he did the coke but he was definitely having one by the time i saw him c puts a lot of stress on the heart and can cause heart attacks even in healthy people this guy ended up okay but he either gave himself a heart attack or he turned a small heart attack into a much bigger one even when i was in active addiction i never used c because i heard it could cause your heart to explode in hindsight it was probably a good thing i never did coke and also got sober because i found out shortly after that i have a congenital heart defect and had spent most of my life in heart failure i don't consider this all that crazy but it happens a lot so i want to warn people against it i used to work in the ed and would occasionally see patients who had had a bad fall several days prior and had hit their head rather than go to the ed immediately they usually choose to treat their ensuing headaches with a painkiller the older generation seem to prefer aspirin the thing about aspirin is that it is a blood thinner so what would have potentially been a small concussion was in a life-threatening and often life-altering condition don't treat pain with aspirin recently had a patient with diabetic neuropathy numbness tingling pain in your feet because unchecked diabetes ruins your nerves with time pour hot honey all over his feet because he thought it would help he ended up having third degree burns all over his feet requiring multiple skin grafts needless to say he still has neuropathy doctors over at it what is the most how the frick did that happen to you case you've seen lady with very poorly controlled diabetes and morbidly obese came in via edie with a gaping hole on her thigh like so deep you could put your whole fist through it it was using ridiculous amount of blood so much so she had to be transfused her blood levels were rock bottom it transpires she'd accidentally cut herself when tryna to wriggle into genes meantime the wound just kept getting bigger and bigger and she attempted to just sort it by packing the wound with socks single worst thing i've seen working in there we had some interesting ones but the simplest and most intriguing one i've had was a man came in complaining about chest and side pains after a few tests to rule out heart issues we discovered through an x-ray that the man had 19 fractures throughout his rib cage when i asked him if he had been doing anything dangerous he replied with nope just dancing needless to say i'd recommend not trying to do leaping flops into the worm on repeat on concrete which is the only way i can fathom this occurring and no he didn't explain what kind of dancing well he sure wasn't doing the safety dance old paramedic here i had a 60s male found on his hands and knees quite dead he was positioned to receive a corncob mounted to the door lifter on a garage door opener but the track was modified to run the length of a mattress powered by the one stroke two horsepower opener he used the remote button to forward and reverse the lifter with a plate adapter for a large rubber corncob he had taken a massive heart attack training as an emt so not a doctor but in the air old guy shuffles in with his girlfriend both mid-50s he is holding a members only jacket in front of his crotch and waddling in we take him through trigger to the back and get him on the exam table his scrotum was the size a large watermelon it hung below his knees and was easily 18 inches in diameter serious hernia issue just a big oblong mass of flesh that had overwhelmed the rest of his nevers i think every physician in the hospital came down to consult on it i mean everyone cardiologists etc everyone made an excuse to come take a look this was clearly an issue he had been avoiding for years the prescribed treatment if i remember properly was to kevlar reinforce his belly and shove all his intestines back up and in they were going to transport him to a nearby by hospital for the treatment but because it was across state lines he refused to go so he slid off the table pulled his jeans up around his crotch grabbed his jacket and his girlfriend and shuffled off to the bus stop it's an image you never forgot closest thing i can related to is when hugh jackman is trying to carry the fishbowl between his legs in the prestige the human capacity to deny the undeniable is amazing as a radiologist i've seen an 80-pound ovarian tumor a hand-sized facial malignancy neglected until it eroded an underlying artery numerous neglected breast cancers eroding through the skin people will refuse to see what they really don't want to see doctor friend told me of a man with a flower stalk stuck up his dong he was trying to give his gf a birthday surprise unfortunately flower stalks have little angled hairs on them which make them easy to push in but impossible to take out saw the guy who had a pretty blunt machete lodge perfectly across the middle of his skull but the angle was unusual and it was like perfectly along so that caught my attention turned out the guy had unsuccessfully tried to murder his wife with the machete and later regretted it so he hit himself in the head with it he held it with his hand sharp side front and gave himself a whack perfectly in the middle of his skull thankfully the machete barely made it into the skull and since it was along the middle it didn't touch any brain tissue work in a burn center for three months in a row we had three different people come in because they tried to commit suicide by setting themselves on fire with gasoline i cannot imagine what brings someone to that point to think that's a good way to go out those burning monks protesting the war in vietnam come to mind not a freaking peep while they sat there cross-legged i don't know that i understand human i have an amazing how the frick did that happen to story end of nursing school did the rotation internship in the or large urban hospital get a call that the hello is bringing in a 17 year old with a severe spinal injury call in the specialty surgeons and they get to work on this kid he has c3 through c5 fractures from a diving injury docs work on him four hours with very little hope that he will regain anything below the neck once the surgery is over we are all exhausted but the surgeon wants to see what will happen if we wake him up with respiratory standing by we bring him out of in a seizure he starts breathing on his own he opens his eyes and responds to his name holy crap awesome for some reason i was near his hand i saw a small movement i said nothing i grabbed his hand and squeezed he squeezed me back holy freaking crap mind you i'm just a nursing student but i yelled the surgeon's name and said he just squeezed my hand surgeon called bulls until he saw the kid raise his arm the entire all was silent this kid should have been a quad for life but by some miracle he was moving the feeling of seeing that kid's arm move is something that i will never forget i tried to keep track of his progress but the last i heard he was killing it to physical therapy and had regained almost total control of his upper body just last week i had a guy over 400 pounds bmi 60 he was a hoarder and kept getting cellulitis in his legs because his house was so cluttered he kept hitting his legs into things and getting cuts and infections when he came in we had to remove his socks with scissors because he hadn't taken them off in over three months his socks had embedded into his skin and somehow become one i didn't learn in medical school how that happens i once had a patient that got pregnant despite never having freaked she had severe vaginismus and was not able to ever have anything go into her fanny but her significant other ejaculated onto her and apparently one little swimmer found an egg had a lady come to the morgan pieces for several days she had fallen off a catwalk thing into an industrial fan that had no guards due to a cleaning being performed on that area in a factory they were having trouble finding all of her it wasn't explained to me until three days after the first piece showed up so i thought there was a serial killer out there for a bit i didn't see morgue the first time i read that and was very confused back when i was a medical student on a urology rotation we had a guy come in after butterflying his dong with a fillet knife this occurred after consuming a lot of c it was his third time doing it all three in a fit of c-induced psychosis you'd think he'd steer clear of the old bolivian marching powder after the first two times comma butterflying his dong with a fillet knife i don't know what that means but holy crap do i not want to know nurse here had a patient come in due to pain in her chest four months after having a mastectomy when we changed her dressings the site was so infected that i could see her lung inflating when she took a breath but she died a week later still don't know why she didn't come in earlier ro i can't even begin to imagine how painful that had to be heartbreaking that she died had a lady in the uh who had a celeb in her rectum she was extremely embarrassed but came to the department for removal we took an x-ray she had pooped it out and didn't even feel it come out got a bill and mortified put toys with a fled end up the [ __ ] you'd cavity to prevent this exact situation a pa i work with saw this patient with an external fixator normally these rods and screws outside the body holding a fracture stable until swelling or whatever you goes down so they can operate and internally fix the fracture they're normally on for a few days cut to this guy's office where a patient walks in one day with an exfix on his leg that has been there for three freaking years the guy lived a normal life and just thought it was the way they fixed legs how he never got an infection i'll never understand i've heard surgeons refer to the trauma unit as relentlessly working directly against natural selection use your imagination they've seen a lot of darwin award candidates not a doctor post-surgical nurse had a guy with necrotizing fasciitis flesh eating bacteria on his scrotum had a wound vac that kept leaking i had to change it was not pretty by the end of it we were both traumatized i'll never forget the agony that poor guy had to go through but on a good note he healed up eventually this is often called fernie's gangrene and as you may imagine it's pretty bad work in the ed as a medical student had a guy the other day who let a leg infection get worse for years and when he finally came in his infected leg was at least four times the size of the other one and was draining copious amounts of foul smelling pus if the infection had been seen earlier he would have just needed antibiotics because he waited so long he's going to lose the leg if not his life not me but a nurse friend guy comes in complaining of pain sitting down pain in his rectal area she goes to take a look and this man's anus is so infected it was almost gangrenous the infection wasn't just around the anus it had traveled inches deep into his body literally using pus one nurse had to excuse herself and almost passed out due to the smell i was told but no idea what caused it or whatever happened to the poor guy probably injecting drugs swamp of dagobah style 70 yo guy came into the va clinic for a bad cough and admitted due to temp of 104 f he was mine and i found lumps on his neck on exam he had tuberculosis scrofula so why does he have tb in the us we do hiv test and he's been with some prostitutes he also developed some other complications and was finally discharged after four weeks poor guy got a cough from freaking my cousin is a paramedic in a large city and had these stories one victim is a power lifter with a home gym tries to squat too much weight and on the upward push herniates his sphincter when he got there the man had six eight inches of his small intestine coming out of his butt apparently the medical street slang for this is red socking yourself two victim is a man with a flashing fetish late in the night he walks to a 7-eleven waits until the female cashier turns her back and then opens his jacket so his erect member is lying on the glass countertop by the register in a panic the cashier grabs the first thing she could find a can of tomato soup and in an adrenaline rage brings the can down on his erect dong he said this apparently almost entirely severs the man's dong which fully erect is moving a lot of blood through it he said the man nearly bled to death and the 7-eleven looked like a murder scene when they arrived a three victim is a morbidly obese man completely naked masturbating with a can of soup lubed with honey he is shoving up his butt in the process he stimulates his prostate nerve too much has a heart attack and eyes that's what he responded to a naked sweaty morbidly obese corpse with a honey-lubed can of soup halfway up his butt he mentions they had to make efforts to keep the victim small dog out of the room as the dog was quite drawn to the honey please don't think about doing ems unless you're willing to see some truly horrifying crap not a doctor but former psychiatric nurse i have seen all manner of weird and wonderful things yet the most perplexing was a young girl we nursed in piku with history of pika when we took her for x-rays due to her complaining her stomach was hurting we found a belt buckle a full-size spoon and butter knife as well as an assortment of batteries as far as i recall as it was some time ago now they had to operate immediately to remove and again if i recall correctly it was the batteries they were most concerned about as if one exploded started leaking it would have caused irreparable damage i have never seen a set of x-rays like it and seeing was believing incredible how the heck she managed to get them in there but never underestimate the willpower of psychosis disclaimer i'm not a doctor i'm a paramedic my first week on my internship we responded to a fairly rural gas station for a male patient complaining of an altered level of consciousness when we arrived on scene the patient was sitting in a chair in the dining area of the gas station i introduced myself to the patient and was crouched on the floor in front of him trying to get him to answer my questions but he wasn't really giving me much i looked down and noticed a small white worm making its way across the floor i thought well crap sir i said i'm going to remove your shoe and i did as i did so a cascade of maggots tumbled onto the floor the entire sole of his foot was being eaten away by maggots the patient was completely unable to tell me about his medical history or how his foot had come to be a buffet for corpse fauna i double bagged his shoe along with several dozen maggots because i didn't know what else to do with it his blood sugar was fine and he didn't appear to have a history of diabetes and he had full sensation in the parts of his feet that weren't being chewed on i still wonder about that guy the only thing the patient was able to tell me was that he lived two states away and thought he was still in that state the most alarming thing to me about the whole situation was that he had gotten in his truck and driven two states over with no memory of doing so moreover how did you let us get this bad and not come in sooner patient came in friday and 12 30 it's always friday afternoon when they come in because why wouldn't you come in during the week before the busy friday rush because suddenly you realize you don't want to go the weekend with something happening so he comes into my clinic saying his eyes hurting it's been hurting for a few months feels like pressure on the right side behind his eye and he's had a headache on that side that has been worsening his vision is also worse than it used to be and things seem dimmer my staff member remembered what happened a few months ago with a similar situation turned out to be angle closure glaucoma that needed surgery like two weeks ago so she comes to me and asks me if i can see the sky because he's in pain and scared and doesn't want to wait the entire weekend to be seen somewhere else on monday okay sure i take him back and we go through everything vision is reduced he's seeing distortions in letters but everything looks fine from the outside i dilate his eyes and take a look at his right eye right smack in the middle of his central vision is a huge elevated white lesion we take some pictures and scans i had to sit down with him and have a hard talk why did you wait so long this has been going on for three four months now he's got history with colon cancer from a few years ago i had to tell him it's very likely a choroidal melanoma i sent him off to a specialist i don't know if he'll lose his eye yet i suspect he will if he's lucky he'll live and just have to deal with having only one eye if he's extremely blessed and lucky it will be treatable and he won't lose the eye good story but our guy have such sensitive eyes redding that has my eyes watering at the thought of it my mother is an emergency nurse and a while back and 90 year old woman came into the department complaining of pain in her leg below the knee after an examination my mother suggested an x-ray x-ray comes back and it turns out the leg had been broken several months prior snapped clean across both the tibia and fibula and she had somehow ignored what must have been excruciating pain and continued about her life and then the bones had healed but not straight the top of the bones were to the left and about two inches below where they were supposed to be and they had fused to the lower parts at the side like that but in the end there is nothing that could realistically be done as to sort the leg out would require a breaking it dang i didn't know human bodies could do that i'm not a doc but a medical technician still in college but you see some crap nevertheless there was a guy who had a car accident damaging his cervical spine our reciprocal surgeon did an amazing job so after a long process of recovery the man was able to walk using only a cane another problem he had was some neurologic muscle illness not sure if myasthenia gravity or something else which made it hard for him to do any fine motor movements although he had all these health issues the guy insisted that he is independent so he did all of his daily activities on his own the problem occurred when he went to his beach house on a vacation and went to take a bath he lied into the tub and turned the water on then he turned on the hot water and realized that the faucet isn't the same as he had back at home and because of his motor skills being bad he didn't manage to turn the hot water off result two three degree burns on the left side of his body from head to toe as he was laying on his side he almost cooked himself to death i don't even get in the tub in my own house without testing the water first it's just not comfortable even because you're sort of wet and cold my doctor was very confused how nine-year-old me managed to completely rip my big toes nail out of three a.m i tripped running down the hallway on the way back from the toilet cause you know monsters and slid along my carpeted hallway the friction between my toe and the carpet ripped it out omg i think i just shaved three years off my life by reading this a very tame example but here's one mum an ex-nurse told me one day a patient came in who had basically no social interaction whatsoever so he looked like a complete mess with hair nearly down to his hips as the nurses cleaned him up they noticed his hair was quite thick around his head and they couldn't cut through it it turned out the guy had been wearing a beanie for the last 10 years and his hair had just grown through it and over it wow i wish there were pictures on this one nurse here a girl came into the air with a retained bottle cap over her cervix that had been there two years two years sounds like at home contraception gone wrong i'm in a pa patient tried to kill themselves by slitting left wrist patient was unsuccessful as they missed the deep anatomy and arteries but certainly cut bad enough to cause a heck of an infection fast forward a few months without seeking medical treatment and the necrosis had eaten up the vast majority of the forearm exposing a large amount of bone and tendon when i asked if it hurt patient used an index finger jabbed the exposed distal radius and said right here shudder there was a patient in the hospital where i work and one of his legs had gotten so infected it split open and maggots were living inside of the open wound and he called them his pets that sounds like a good reason to request a psych eval doctor multiple incredibly advanced cancers mostly breast head and neck cervix and anal one or two vulva cancers that was particularly bad as well worst non-cancer case was during intern year morbidly obese man comes through ed so large he had to have two bariatric beds pushed together he wasn't to be my patient but he had a lot of anxiety and embarrassment with female doctors for some reason we just had a connection i really felt like he just needed to talk talked about his situation home life all of it he had this calm and peace about him despite his health he passed away two days later at first it was hard to comprehend how life would come to that yet in the end i understood i'm sorry man i wish things had been better frick i'm glad i'm getting help i just hit 500 this year and i refuse to go any freaking higher i'm not dying in a hospital bed at 600 pounds see my neighbor was an ex-emergency room nurse whenever we would ask her about strange cases most answers were you don't want to know the only story i have is really strange one day a morbidly obese woman rolls into the emergency room her legs couldn't support her weight anymore and complains about mild stomach pain after letting several people with mild ailments get treated before her she sits up and rolls to the staff only water cooler behind the counter my neighbor tells her about how the cooler is only for staff and she starts to go away midway she stops and from under her skirt a baby falls on the floor apparently this woman was pregnant and didn't notice because of her weight how the heck didn't she feel giving the excruciating pain of giving birth wtf edit the baby lived and apparently she just had intercourse without protection and was stupid enough to believe she wouldn't get pregnant i'm not really sure if she kept it or not but i'd like to think so doctors were surprised when little thread greater me was brought in with a lacerated spleen and lungs gradually filling with fluid i tripped and fell off of an eight-foot bridge into a creek on my dad's property and a rather large rock caught my fall hitting my ribcage just right my dad thought i was just being a pee and told me to sleep it off but eight hours later my mom found out they were divorced and rushed me to the hospital thankfully spleens are very good at regenerating and i made a full recovery with some physical therapy so my top moment of how the frick did that happen was i was on my internal medicine wards rotation i had this guy in his late 60s come in via told me it was an admission but they were stupid vague so whatever i go in and i notice on his left hand was this golf ball-sized blood clot with a bruise that extended to his elbow now i want to make sure this image is clear there was a black purple golf ball-sized oozing ball on the back of his hand still with me i like with all patience ask what brought him to the hospital well you see i went to my psychiatrist cause i've been having problems sleeping i wanted a sleeping pill you see and i immediately stop him right there and clarify so you are here for a sleeping pill he says yes so i'm my psychiatrist but don't want to i stop him say haha no you are here cause of your hand what happened with your hand he kinda ignores me wanting to just blow it off i refuse to let him talk to me about anything else till he tells me about his hand long story short he was on a blood thinner cold warfarin there is a measure of how the blood clots called the inr normal people are around 1.0 people on warfarin are often aiming for a 2.0 3.0 inr his was freaking 9.0 and the mother wanted to leave when i told him that i had to put him under a legal medical hole to fix it so that he didn't turn his head too fast and have a brain bleed by the end of his admission he admitted to like taking all the random otc herbal crap online cause he read it was good for him lawyers of reddit what is the dumbest thing your client has ever done defendant is at a preliminary hearing for a domestic battery charge alleged victim his wife girlfriend whatever failed to show up so the prosecution dropped the case the judge told the defendant it was his lucky day and asked if the defendant had anything to say about that a defendant starts to explain his point of view on what happened and just about talked himself right back into that domestic battery charge indeed if the judge hadn't been in such a good mood he might have rule of thumb if your charges get dismissed stfu and gtfo [Music] this happens constantly guy hires us to defend him against charges by an ex-girlfriend that he is stalking harassing her we get girlfriend to agree to drop the criminal charges if our client agrees to have a restraining order entered this prevents the client from having a criminal record and or risking jail time after this is all worked out and the restraining order has been entered guy contacts girl i spent the summer after my first year of law school representing children and the public defenders abuse and neglect docket basically situations where kids are taken away from their parents because of abuse and neglect the parents and the government are also represented parties in these proceedings now the bar is set very low for parents basically they have to have adequate food shelter and supervision with no abuse when kids are taken away the moms almost all parents in the system are young single and poor mothers are told they can get the kids back by holding down a basic job getting an apartment testing clean for drugs and breaking up with whatever abusive douchebag they are seeing the number of mothers who couldn't satisfy these requirements were astounding failed drug tests bad relationships quitting jobs arbitrarily i saw it all and my heart goes out to all the children who drew those straws in life and ended up in foster care institutions and felt unloved what about stupid lawyers how about this one friend of mine wants out of business with stupid partner hires a highly recommended lawyer to handle contractual issues he hands him over business keys credit cards and mobile phones so that he can return them through proper channel over six six months former business partners lawyer keeps sending threatening letter asking for return of said keys credit cards and mobile phones eventually sues dumbar's lawyer doesn't allow friend to come to the hearing call him's one minute before it starts and never mentions he had said items all along at the hearing friend loses and has to pay damages oh and lawyer sends bill the same day then goes on vacation for a couple weeks needless to say friend is hiring new lawyer to both appeal and sue former lawyer my aunt is a lawyer and this isn't really stupid on the part of the client more on the part of the da but they let a group of staff handle a critical piece of evidence before they had analyzed it without gloves ruined the case for them client got off client was friends with the dir remember when burger king had those commercials that featured a guy with little hands who didn't want to be seen eating a whopper i had a guy come into my office and wanted to sue burger king for defamation because he had little hands to the guy's credit he did have little hands i had a client get popped for dui the officer didn't do a good search so my guy ended up in jail with about 30 ecstasy pills and a gram of sea afraid of being caught with that stuff in jail a felony he snorted a few bumps took some extra sea and gave the rest away the deputies suddenly had two dozen guys tripping balls in the receiving hall they do a search and my idiot client still has the baggies in his pocket he was also so fricked up at that point that he licked one of the sheriff deputies which got him him a battery on a peace officer charge tacked on not a lawyer but someone i went to high school with was arrested he served his jail time and ended up out of jail on probation he couldn't find a job to pay for his probation and court costs so he decided to rob a bank he walks into the bank and hands a note to the teller saying he's robbing the place and give him money she doesn't he leaves she flips his note over after he left to find that the piece of paper he used was the backside of his probation papers with his address and info all over it he was back in jail shortly thereafter call me every day for 30 45 minutes at 175 hour asking the same questions each time just for reassurances on his case his bill was over ten thousand dollars prior to trial while these aren't as flashy as most of the stories told here i see them from my clients almost every single day one criminal confess to police immediately following arrest every dang day two civil pay me thousands in retainer and then refuse to do even minuscule things to further their case it would amaze you the amount of times people have complained about their billing but have paid me hundreds of dollars an hour to fill out simple forms for them that is simple name address social security forms and to go through credit card statements and bank statements to list the account numbers on a divorce property statement etc simply because they are unwilling to do it i have to call and conference with them and go through each blank on the form because they simply won't do it and return it in a timely manner in more involved divorces this can cost them thousands when all they need to do is sit down and list their assets liabilities you hire an attorney to do the legal work you can save yourself a ton of money by taking care of everything that doesn't require legal expertise on your own throwaway account i was a new mediator at the time mediating a small claims landlord tenant issue in a courthouse hallway limited civil jurisdiction mediations usually get their own room but it's common for small claims to be done any way you can grab space outside the courtroom the two individuals were about 20 feet apart and both sides were really upset so i was doing a lot of going back and forth listening and trying to drill down to common interests and what they could live with as a settlement eventually the tenant starts getting more friendly and says he might be willing to compromise which was really surprising to me after some of the things he had said i chalked it up to my excellent mediation skills and went to speak to the landlord who appreciated the tenant's gesture and said she'd think through some options we had discussed i returned to the tenant who by this point said man you know what really it's no big deal let's just do what she wants it's fine this also surprised me but after a few more minutes of me making sure it's what he really wanted we had a mediation agreement signed lining up pretty much with what the landlord wanted as i'm saying goodbye to the tenant i look down and see him holding a joint by his side he had managed to stand pretty close to a vent plus i was super naive at that point in my life and thought i had only been smelling weird b.o upon quickly looking around it was clear the hallway was relatively crowded with streams of attorneys clients and bailiffs the guys with uniforms and guns going by we were about 10 feet from a courtroom door it wasn't until after he walked away that i realized he may not have had capacity to sign the agreement a tl dr smoking weed in the courthouse hallway with bayless walking by and negotiating a binding agreement while increasingly high on a site inspection with opposing councils experts expert can we please see the bolts that failed causing the plaintiff's death client no those are broken they were made out of cheap metal that's why they failed i almost slapped my client frankly i'm sad i didn't my dad once had a guy get caught for vandalizing and he was caught on tape this guy wore the same exact clothes into court that he wore on the video since we're telling dumbest criminal stories a girlfriend of mine was married to this piece of sleaze who had a dumb piece of sleaze friend dumb friend gets himself jailed because he robbed his own local bank branch where he did his banking despite wearing a cunning disguise a ski mask a teller recognized him from his frequent visits to the bank and told the cops so he's righteously locked up my girlfriend gets raided by the cops at 6am looking for the moderate crop of plants they've got planted in the backyard she asks how the cops detected it and they told her apparently dumb friend had written them a letter from jail dear piece of sleaze and foggles dumb girlfriend how are you i am fine how is your crop doing i can't wait to get out so we can smoke some bitching weed the drug supply in here is very unreliable so i hope you are looking after that crop real well haha say hi to everyone for me love your friend one of the dumbest criminals ever all mail was read by the prison census so they informed the cops and my friend and her piece of sleaze husband got busted the judge ordered you not to touch anything in the storage unit where your husband's stuff is so don't even go there breaks into the storage unit and pours bleach over everything my dad is an attorney and these stories are somewhat relevant backstory father's office is robbed and the guy took a bunch of our ids passports social security cards act that we kept at my dad's office a few years months later not sure of the timeline my dad is in court for another case meeting guy enters the courthouse going through security for a hearing for some unrelated charges my dad gets called from his meeting and the security guys were laughing hey get a load of this mister spready21's dad this guy says he's you i believe he was then charged with robbing my dad's office another story my dad is in a meeting with some guys who were unaware that my dad fluently speaks their native language they were telling him one story in english then would switch to their native language to confer about covering up the truth my dad let them go on like this for a while before finally cutting in in their language and asking them about the real story they were externally dumbfounded and busted this will probably stay buried but hey it's out there nyc criminal defense attorney here all inmate phone calls at the city jail rikers island are recorded i remind my clients on a regular basis that somebody is listening to all their calls and that they should never discuss the case or call anyone related to the case from jail i had a client who was charged with stalking and harassing an ex-girlfriend the thing about these charges was that this was the first and last time i had seen a legitimate case of double jeopardy defendant being charged with the same crime twice the defendant had already pled guilty and done a small amount of jail time for the same incidents i walked into court on our first appearance supremely confident that my client would be walking out of court a free man to my surprise there was a second indictment charging new crimes my genius client had called his ex-girlfriend and the door had recordings of him threatening to beat her if she came to court to testify against him we took a plea right there and he served three years for witness tampering and contempt if my client had only listened to my advice and let me do my job he would have gone home three years earlier than he did on the other hand it seems like the system worked perfectly in this case not a lawyer but my daddies his client was facing the death penalty and wanted to take the stand in his own defense basically the guy was a crazy mother any words that came out of his mouth were six kinds of fricked up my dad and the other three lawyers on his team advised him not to do it kept him from testifying for as long as they could but if a client wants to talk they can he gets up there and proceeds to read a 12-page letter 12 pages of gibberish about how he wasn't crazy he's on death row i'm not comfortable that it's appropriate to tell stories about my own clients so one recently i saw a defendant appear in federal court wearing a t-shirt saying two in the pink one in the stink two i prosecuted a bank robber i think he pled guilty mostly to avoid having my show bank surveillance cam photos to the jury see he robbed a bank while wearing sagged pants when the tried to leap over the half door that separated the teller area from the customer area the pants came off and tripped him and he fell on his face the camera is captured in exquisite detail the change in his facial expression from bravado to concern to terror as his pants came off actual case i defended woman using drive through ordered a regular sized value meal at mcdonald's the restaurant had run out of smaller soft drink cups and without telling her first gave her a large soda rather than saying thanks she sued claiming the unexpected weight of the large soda tore her rotator cuff litigated it for two years sexual harassment case our client the business owner went into court looked the plaintiff up and down and said you'd look better without the skirt it went okay wasn't my client but i saw this happen defendant moves to remove his public defender apparently listening to advice from a cellmate death your honor i would like to represent myself judge very well will you be changing your plea death yes i would like to plead not guilty by reason of insanity judge do you have a mental disorder death number after a brief chat with his former attorney defendant reinstated the public defender as his counsel my guess is defendant listened to council when he said that pleading not guilty by reason of insanity means admitting you did indeed perform the acts of which you were accused posting my mother's story on her behalf she was a public defender and once got a client who was charged with reckless endangerment for the nth time can't remember how many she tells him to basically be quiet and she will talk to the aider and see what can be worked out they end up getting in front of the judge and the client just starts trying to tell the judge his story wherein he complained that he had just stopped at mcdonald's and so had a big mac in one hand and a large coke in the other hand his cuff holder wasn't easily accessible so since both hands were full he clearly couldn't control the fact that he was going 90 plus on a winding country road with a 30 mile per hour speed limit our defense for crack possession rested entirely on constructive possession in that the defendant didn't own the car he was pulled over in and thereby didn't know there were drugs in it what he failed to tell us that freely disclosed during cross was that he had sold the car that morning for cash and then borrowed it for an errand a crack air and evidently i hope vince gilligan is reading this because there's enough here for at least the first season of the saul goodman spin-off from our local newspaper guy robs a convenience store when it is closed they look at the security footage and say oh that mike he lives out back in a trailer they go to arrest him and he's flushing the money down the toilet which clogs he says he was trying to hide it from his wife then before they put him in the squad car he asks to give his wife a hug then immediately runs into a field he is promptly returned to the squad car not a lawyer but this happened to a guy that i knew in the marines his wife had been cheating on him while we were deployed and he found out after we returned they got into an argument and she tried to leave he grabbed her arm to stop her she files assault charges and i end up going to court to appear as a character witness my friend is on the stand and the exchange is as follows prosecutor did you put your hands on wife to keep her from leaving dumbass no sir prosecutor tell the court what happened then dumbass well what happened was that she tried to leave and i grabbed her arm to try to talk to her his lawyer audible fasopam this happened in jacksonville nc as it was explained to me assault can be that simple just him grabbing his wife by the arm was enough to constitute assault he ended up getting probation for a couple of years probably will get buried but it happened to my dad where he was at the courthouse to meet with the judge and when going through security he had his wallet stolen well this genius of a fellow who took his wallet was already being tried in court that day on you guessed it charges of theft yes this brilliant man stole from the security line at a courthouse in direct view of cameras people are great not a lawyer was a cop cop friend of mine finally busted a guy for weed the lawyer got the charges dropped fruit of the poisonous tree as soon as he is dismissed dude walks to the evidence room and asks to get his weed back signs the paper to take the weed into his possession and is immediately re-arrested well i'm a criminal defense attorney so i could probably write a dang book but this one was pretty bad and it ended horribly i co-counsel the murder case where the defendant allegedly although he has been convicted already shot and killed a guy for supposedly taking his sister's 50 bag of weed the evidence came out that the sisters boyfriend had allegedly pistol-whipped the guy who witnesses said didn't fight back he left the place he was and walked to some other apartments where he was gunned down by another person allegedly the defendant the sad thing was after the shooting and the victim was pronounced dead it came out in trial that the bag of weed was later found and it had fallen behind a bookcase whether he did it or not i'm sure the appeal is still pending the victim died for no reason client posted confidential and or privileged documents on facebook facebook is now used in the majority of domestic cases btw my dad was clerking for a judge a while back he sat in on this case prosecuting attorney to accused and mr x do you remember what you were doing on the evening of blah blah accused looks at his lawyer what was it you told me to say when he asked that again law student here if i had a professor who was a former public defender share this gem her client was on probation after being released from prison and was riding his motorcycle on the highway when he saw a cop pull over another driver he decides this was his cue to pull over as well approach the officer and disclose that he was currently in possession of a knife and he both of which would obviously violate his parole when she asked him why the heck he would do that he said they were going to find it eventually sounds like he wanted to go back home i am a lawyer i'm not going to breach my duty of confidentiality to my clients however i once saw someone else's client try and steal the court clerk's handbag when he was called up to sign his bail bond emergency personnel of redit what's the dumbest situation you've been dispatched to got called to a motel where our patient explained that he needed to go to the ear to get an hiv test he wanted to finally put to rest the rumor that he had aids he was very drunk and insisted that it was indeed an emergency and he didn't care that his insurance wouldn't cover the ride he's also drunk wife came along and it pretty much turned into jerry springer in the back of the ambulance arrived on scene to a guy who was too lazy to get out of his living room chair so his skin had literally weaved itself into the fabric his wife emptied a crap bucket that sat under a hole they cut in the bottom of the chair she fed him all his meals and waited on him hand and foot he didn't have any other problems other than he didn't feel like moving we had to cut him out of the chair it was on an episode of some fat life type of show comma his skin had literally weaved itself into the fabric what i'm from australia and once i saw in the local news that his guy heard noises in his kitchen and believed it was an intruder what actually happened was a giant mud crab had crawled up from the river and was rummaging through his cabinets they interviewed the policeman who went over and they were literally joking and making fun of the guy on the news to be fair a mud crab can take out a level 3 pc in a few hits not emergency personnel but someone called 911 on us because their prescription wasn't ready and it wasn't even for a drug that was immediately life threatening plot twist prescription for chill pills should have seen it coming wife and i are both paramedics she in the larger city me in suburbia she gets a call for an injured person arrives on the scene to find a black gentleman approach her complaining of head pain she asks how it happened and the patient replies the bee hit me with a smoothie her i'm sorry hit you with what pt a smoothie the bee hit me with a smoothie her how did a milkshake hurt your head pt not a milkshake a smoothie you know a smoothie the thing you smooth your clothes with a smoothie yep he got hit in the head with a clothes iron because he pee off his girlfriend i recently went on a pregnant woman who said she had been walking all day and now her ankles were swollen and she couldn't walk anymore boyfriend saw my reaction and said he'd just drive her yep their plan was for him to follow the ambulance in the car while she went to the air for swollen ankles another was a three-year-old stuck a bic pen up his nose and the end plug came out parents for the life of them couldn't get it out and called 9-1-1 i put my hand out and told the kid to blow his nose on a count of three i closed his other nostril on three and he blew out the end cap sign here please got paige out for a kayaker who had fallen out of his kayak in northern lake michigan dispatcher said a passerby had seen him struggling to get back to his kayak no exact location but a general area given three volunteer fire departments respond we start covering two miles of beach with about 20 people the bugs are terrible and we are having no luck county rescue boat is in route from about 20 miles away and we have won our members launch his personal boat and he is coming from the other direction about 10 miles away boats get on scene and search continues we now have about 40 people looking and two boats dispatched has now notified the coast guard out of travis city and they are on their way with the helicopter i was icy and requested dispatcher to contact original caller for more info well they thought it was more important to drive home than to stay and wait for help so we have all of these people and resources looking for someone that we have very little info about finally a state police officer says he has found a rock that kind of looks like a kayak he gets the original caller on the phone and explains what he is looking at the caller says that sounds like what i seen i guess i was wrong and hangs up three hours and thousands of dollars in resources complete bulls i am a firefighter emt in a mid-sized city and work in a rough neighborhood people would be amazed at the number of ridiculous calls we go on there are too many stories to count and it's common for people to call at 3am saying they are dying but find out that their leg has been hurting for three weeks and they suddenly couldn't take it anymore so they need it checked out the dumbest i can think of however is a person called because they were concerned of an odor of gas if they had just looked out their front window they would have realized that directly across the street were ponds of human waste sludge from a wastewater treatment plant the person had lived there for years [Music] some of my best cause muffin cinnamon rolls were from the elderly little old ladies that lived alone were notorious for calling me to light their pilot lights shovel their steps even pick up a pint of cream for their recipe small town cop firefighter emt i would always do whatever they needed because i knew i would have a plate of brownies or a basket of muffins at my doorstep i even got a scarf once but holy crap i still dream about those brownies a pregnant woman who was caught attempting to steal chips from a convenience store claimed that she was going into labor once the police arrested her yeah no abdominal incarceritis not me but my husband who was my boyfriend at the time had to respond to call for the fire department the lady had burned bacon and it was smoky in her kitchen i laughed pretty hard hearing it on his radio my family is probably someone's dumb emergency call story in the past we've made calls for the following one got cut trying to tear saran wrap two thought an intruder was on the roof of the house turns out it was just the sound of snow melting three cat stuck under the treadmill four reported my dad's car stolen turns out his friend took it to pick him up at the airport five stuck in a tree while trying to rescue a cat twice once the cat turned out to actually be a possum my entire family will never forget the time my nan tripped and broke her hip we called an ambulance however my nan refused to go with them because she hadn't put her makeup on yet so we sat around chatting to the emts in the kitchen while my nan sat at the table putting her face on with a broken hip for a good 20 minutes to be fair your nan when i broke my ankle leg it took about 30 minutes before the pain really kicked in once it kicked in holy crap i was in shock coast guard flight mechanic we got a call that there were multiple flares being shot off about 10 miles offshore we fired up the hello got on scene and searched with no results turns out the person who called it and was a guy getting wasted in his waterfront home looking out the window those flares it was the reflection of his cigarette in the window every time he took a drag nineteen-year-old male smoked marijuana ate lasagna and is now feeling unwell it was a code three call emergency but not urgent no lights and sirens this was in york region ontario i've had some funny language barrier issues we got a call once for a hanging the dispatcher came back to add on there were two males hanging from a telephone pole we got there and checked the area and advised the dispatcher to call back the complainant she came back and apologized that there was a misinterpretation it was two suspicious males hanging around the telephone pole in a similar vein we got called for another hanging a 12 year old male hanging from his bunk bed we got on scene and the family said he was actually hanging from a fish hook on the wall i was like oh crap this is going to be nasty further investigation revealed the fishhook had just snagged his pants while he was climbing down from the top bunk no injury at all i nearly became the idiot who calls 9-1-1 for something stupid when i worked at a hotel overnight i glanced at the camera feed to see what was going on around the property and i saw a dead body at the bottom of the pool i grabbed the phone and started running toward the pool i was going to call 9-1-1 on the way but the stupid office phone was a game not working then i opened the door to the pool and realized that someone had left a huge beach towel in the water and it had sunk to the bottom dispatched for an unconscious person at a bus station show up on scene turns out it's just a homeless dude sleeping ask him if he want to go to the hospital explain that they won't really do anything but it will give him a place to stay for a few hours and he'll get some food guy says yes we start talking a history any chronic medical conditions nope do take any medications nope any medication allergies that you know of yeah i'm allergic to psych meds how exactly do you know you're allergic to psych meds some [ __ ] doc decided i'm bipolar and schizophrenic but that ain't freaking true looks like you maybe should be in the hospital not me but a friend of mine is a cop and he told me the story about an older lady who had called 9-1-1 for a ufo so my buddy and another cop show up and after a few questions the realize the ufo in question was in fact just the full moon dispatch to a call of a suspicious package at starbucks they said the backpack had been sitting there all day eod opens the backpack and it's filled with corn cobs i was called to her convalescent home at 3am i had been sleeping in my ambulance for chest pain i arrived to check vitals and take assessment she was gassy to be fair gas can be extremely painful sometimes add anxiety to that in panic ensues we had a call to a farm where the farmer was trapped following a structural collapse three engines and a user crew head on out to the address where we are directed to a distinctly not collapsed chicken shed the farmer is inside lying face down under the casing of a ceiling fan which had fallen off the roof and bopped him on the head he was lying perfectly still and being used as a vantage point by a number of chickens and was convinced he was paralyzed from the neck down as everything felt cold and numb after giving him a quick check over we asked how long he'd been there he guessed it had been about two hours before the farmhand had found him two hours on bare concrete at night in october okay fair enough so a bunch of us get ready to move the casing only for one guy to brace sooner than the rest and accidentally lift lifted himself it was thin aluminium rather than steel and weighed basically nothing he could have removed it himself at any time somebody with better self-control than i explained to him that he wasn't trapped and no he wasn't paralyzed he was just cold we had an ambulance with us and they checked him over for hypothermia but the worst he had were many many pec marks from the chickens who had seized their opportunity for feathery vengeance got called to a smoke report in our district person's description it smells like wood we arrived to her home in the forest and she said it smells particularly like pine today no mention of smoke we confirmed it did intact smell like pine when we arrived case closed run came in as an outside fire turns out it was a flaming bag of ducky on a doorstep i wasn't even mad but happy the tradition lives on i once called 9-1-1 because i thought my neighbor was beating his wife they pulled into their driveway went into the house and then i heard high-pitched screaming and a man yelling shut up over and over my friends and i woke my mom up after i called 9-1-1 because we were so freaked out turns out our neighbors of birds who like to scream when people come home responded to a call for 88 uf complaining of weakness at a bus stop it's 9 a.m and our first call of the day walk up to find a little old lady slouched over on a bus bench moaning after we help her up into the ambulance she asks for us to not ruin her medicine well medicine is h and she's weak cause she was able to get a hold of some good stuff now i'm the kind of guy that wouldn't mind knocking an overdose two milligrams iv just before rolling in through the air but i just couldn't do it to granny so we gave her nebulized nalixone and low and behold it barely touched it we had to give her a full dose iv and she still was zonked a little bit whatever she was using was some good stuff and i doubt she ordered it from reader's digest went to a call where a woman had locked herself out of her car with her child inside we arrived and try the door handle and sure enough it's locked she shows us the keys and how the battery is dead and won't unlock the car so we take the keys inserted into the lock and take her kids out she had apparently no idea that the key had any function other than the ignition coast guard here my first unit was a larger ship that's not normally sent to do the hero work that you see on the weather channel mostly we did counter narcotics patrols off central america but we were home ported in the pacific northwest near some notoriously gnarly waters which were usually the purview of the small boats and hellos the only time we spent more than a day in them was after a fairly intensive maintenance period so we could ensure that all the work that was done would hold up at sea these shakedowns were usually two or three days somewhere just off the coast of our home port we were on our way back in from one such shakedown which had already gone a little awry after a helicopter broke down after landing on our flight deck in the middle of the night we were sent over 180 miles from our position and inbound course to search for a recreational boater who had left a harbour in washington and not been seen in five days his wife reported him missing to the local coast guard sector which sent us on the case as the nearest asset they also dispatched a helicopter crew a smaller patrol cutter and a small boat to do search patterns for this guy keep in mind that given where we were at the currents could have carried himself of san francisco in four or five days but we searched our little 100 square mile box anyways for two days there were two coast guard cutters a helicopter with a flight crew bouncing in and out from shore and various small craft looking for this guy that's around 120 dispatched coast guard personnel not to mention local authorities and civilians out on the water who had heard the radio broadcast about him the search was called off after the guy was found in mexico having never even gotten in his boat it was still moored up where he left it he just told his wife he was going out and then got on a plane to mexico apparently planning to stay there we were two days late getting back to port with a 10-week patrol looming just a week after that i hope he got fined so bad that he crap for his bees i'm in the coast guard and we respond to dispatch water rescue calls we had one last summer where we responded to a call of a person in the water off a cliff by the beach from the call it sounded like a surfer so we launched a boat sector launched a hello and i went with another guy in our f-450 as a shore party we beat everyone there and immediately started scanning the water to get a better view we drove onto the beach by that time the boat and hello was on scene doing search patterns they searched for a good 30-45 minutes before the hello stopped and hovered over something in the water the reporting source was at the top of the cliff and was asked to confirm if that was the person they saw in the water she said that it was the hello asked again if she was positive that's what she saw once again she was absolutely sure it was it was a crab pot boy i forgot to mention the best part while we were driving on the beach in our f-450 that has us coast guard plastered all over it following a fire department suv someone decided to call 9-1-1 on us for illegally driving on the beach had a resident call and let my office know he contacted 9-1-1 because he swallowed some toothpaste while brushing and didn't want to die the same place a year before a kid threatened to swallow a whole bread without chewing so he would die it was a suicide threat so we had to contact nine one one i got called once to a regular for general medical in the middle of the night i get there and she meets us outside at the ambulance i ask her what's wrong she says i'm dry down there i say puzzled down where she replies down there again puzzled half asleep down where she says i was freaking tonight and normally i'm wet down there when i'm freaking but tonight i was dry something is very wrong she is extremely adamant something is wrong so i just tell her to get in the truck cause i don't feel like wasting any more time get to the hospital and the doctor looks at me over his glasses and says in skeptical tone what's wrong tonight i say she's dry down there with a smirk he was puzzled as i initially was and says down where i sat down there and pointed down with my finger he sits there for a few seconds pondering this and replies to me well you know how to fix that i lost my crap not mine but a co-worker told me his story he was dispatched to a schizophrenic woman who said that a bee had flown up her fanny and was eating her from the inside she was very self-aware and accepting of her illness but claimed that it wasn't the issue the medics didn't know what to do so they auscultated to listen for buzzing sounds dispatched to assist police for a reported assault arrived to find a dumbass 20-something-year-old tried to start a fight with a 40-something year old guy cause he was standing near his gf after they had a fight twenty-something year old shoved the older guy and he knocked the kid's front teeth out so the kid gets in his car and waits to try and run the older guy over when he leaves the bar mrs the guy somehow gets stuck on the curb and the older guy pulls him out puts him on the ground and calls the police that's when we arrived and took guy smiley to the hospital four hours later we get called for the emotionally disturbed person guy smiley escaped the ed and tried to drown himself got scared and decided to sit on the side of the highway cutting himself with glass took him back to the hospital two hours later smiley's gf calls 9-1-1 cause she is feeling suicidal after the whole ordeal it was an awesome 4th of july some of you i have no idea as i could not see at the time responded to my airway obstruction recently and transported me i felt like a celebrity when i walked out of there completely fine after and the nurses at the front desk were so happy to see the airway obstruction all the better and walking out the door you guys are heroes my daughter had to call for me and i was transported without shoes they couldn't clear me at home so we ran lights and sirens to the air and i had to hold my head and neck in a certain position to get air and could not see anyone thank you for saving my life i answered a that a lady placed because the light bulb in her closet was burned out when i told her that wasn't an emergency she asked if i could fax over a request her apartment office to have them change it i'm an emergency physician so i've never been called to anything but i keep a list of all the stupid crap that people have called an ambulance for my favorites are one toothache i must have been in a good mood because even though this idiot woman called an ambulance for a toothache i offered her a dental block when she realized this meant i would be putting a needle into her mouth she refused then left without anything even being done 2. pimple a woman in her early 30s squeezed a particularly stubborn pimple on her top lip then called an ambulance because it was numb and tingling she was convinced she had done serious damage when i told her she would be fine she demanded a cab charge prepaid taxi voucher to get home three rehab chronic alcoholic called the ambulance because he wanted to get into rehab we don't have impatient rehab at our hospital he was supposed to attend appointment for rehab at another hospital earlier that day but was too busy getting drunk to attend when told we don't have drug and alcohol services after hours either he demanded transfer to a hospital that does demanded to see my supervisor told him it would be a long wait that is not going to happen saw him getting loaded into a police car on my way home from work a federal building for some reason to dial out they dial nine then one if they happen to hit one again as is custom prior to an area code then have dial 911 and it goes to dispatch pretty common in fed buildings actually 10 year 911 medic here i don't know where to begin because there are so many one response always sticks in my mind it was about 4am and the call came in as a person having trouble breathing in bed when we got to the basement apartment we found a 40 yo male sitting upright in bed the guy was upset and proceeded to describe a bad dream he just had he said he felt like someone was chasing him and he couldn't get away and how scary it was he said he woke up startled and breathing heavily and sweating we checked his vs and he was fine i said it sounds like you had a pretty bad nightmare and he agreed his wife was rubbing his chest in sympathy he did not want to go to the hospital and signed our refusal i have a student job working in a downtown core where there are four homeless shelters surrounding the top tourist area in the city part of the job is being a first responder as well as making sure the homeless population do not harass the public after two years of working here you start to build relationships with the homeless people and so one day i came across a man i knew quite well we'll call him malcolm so malcolm had always been a pain in the butt and liked to harris and intermittent tourists he did not like me at the time because i had been the last one to call the cops on him since i starting work there he has slowly been losing mobility and at this point was using a walker i knew he had a pretty severe painkiller addiction and was also a heavy drinker so when i found him passed out on a bench one day i decided to check on him i asked him if he was okay no answer i nudged and asked him to wake up no answer i give him a little shake and said a little louder malcolm at this point he opens his eyes and just stared at me i asked him if he was all right he said no one closed his eyes i said do you need medical attention he opened his eyes paused and likely said yes i think i took too much so i call nine one one while waiting i was having a hard time keeping him coherent and awake and he was fading in and out of consciousness and i'm worrying more and more about him the wee woo comes flying around the corner slams on its brakes and the paramedic hops out to see what the problem is and all of a sudden malcolm sits up stretches looks at the paramedic and says i told him not to call i was just napping and then hobbles away on his walker i had no idea what to say to the three officers and two paramedics they thought i was so ridiculous still a great story though and you have to hand it to malcolm for being that clever what is the most ridiculous thing you've had to explain to a grown man women my mom told me i couldn't text while driving in a school zone i had to explain to her that only applies to the actual driver as i texted away in the passenger seat recently had a distant family member yell at me for texting behind the wheel my car was not running and parked in a parking lot he claimed that's exactly the same as texting at a red light you can open the photocopier to get blank paper out of it you know you don't have to keep photocopying that one blank page you keep carrying around with you i used to copy nothing at my previous job because it required marginally less effort than opening the drawer when my boss asked me to cut it out i started referring to the copy machine as the paper dispenser he didn't think it was as funny as i did it should also be noted as i found out later that the machine was a lease and we were paying per copy i might have told this story on reddit before but i had to explain to a lady how sliced bread works i used to work in a bakery that pretty much only did bread and a lady came in and this conversation happened her poinsettia bread do you have that but like in a bag of slices me trying to be polite oh yeah we slice the bread her oh okay but do you have it in a bag of slices me um yes we bag it after we slice it huh okay but i really need this in a bag of slices me we put the bread in a machine that cuts it into slices and then we put those slices in a bag huh okay but do you sell the same bread in a bag of slices me let me show you i take the bread and slice it for her and bring the sliced bagged bread back to her she looked so excited you'd think she never saw sliced bread before her yes that's exactly what i wanted keep in mind that english was this woman's first language she was just really dumb i was flying to australia and a girl i met in the airport asked me if i was worried about crossing the equator i said no why and she said well the plane flips upside down aren't you concerned it will crash i couldn't even begin to explain i had to explain to someone on our flight that there wasn't another little plane trailing us with our luggage when they looked out the window looking for said little plane when i was tiny i thought the luggage traveled all the way to the destination in those little cars they used to load unload i wondered occasionally why we didn't just ride in those little cars since they got there at the same time but i figured it was because the plane held more people that girls have three holes i'm a nurse and had to collect urine via a catheter but spent over an hour telling the dad that i would not be taking his daughter's virginity by doing this i drew pictures and he still wasn't convinced the problems here are twofold one dude's dumb two dudes concerned that his daughter's virginity was going to be taken for a medical procedure that's weird when you return a single item from a purchase of 13 items you will not get refunded the entire amount of the purchase just the amount and tax of the returned item [Music] that the sun wasn't extra bright on the day of the eclipse i was told to stay inside and not go outside since the sun was too bright to look at they still didn't believe me even after i explained what the danger was with the eclipse to my boss you can't make a color copy of a black and white document you especially cannot make a color copy of a black and white document while using a copier that only has black toner he is 60 euro he's worked in offices for the last 30 years i used to hang out with one of my co-workers many times while driving in the traffic she turned on her car lights every time she had to abruptly push the brakes behind another driver she is a kind type of person so my first thought was that she was trying to be polite and never push the clacson instead she was flashing her car lights to get the other driver attention one day i noticed that she was flashing lights to almost every other driver that we encounter when i asked her what she was doing it happens to be that she did not know the taillights turned on every time you push the brakes and she was trying turning them on by turning on the front lights haha she is 27 where i am from someone flashing their lights at you means you're about to pass a speed trap and they're trying to warn you i have repeatedly tried and failed to explain to my co-worker to not eat rotting meat sheila leave chicken out on the counter all day to defrost b cook the chicken and then leave the cooked chicken out on the counter for a week and pick at it here and there she is out with food poisoning at least once a week i've never met someone who throws up as much as her and wasn't bulemic she will eat her breakfast at 4 p.m after it's sitting on her desk all day eggs with cheese and mayo that she picked up at 7 in the morning then she'll call in sick the next day i have shown her youtube videos of bacteria growing sent her articles about the dangers of eccley she won't listen she ate potato salad that was sitting in a hot trunk for 24 hours she said it was liquidy and tasted weird but she doesn't like how refrigerated foods taste one day when she is paralyzed from botulism i guess i can say i told you so what in the ever loving frick this one bugs me i worked in kitchens for years and ended up with a phobia of spoiled foods sometimes i won't even reheat take out i had the night before i know that's insane g-a-h-h-h that is false advertisement suit versus time winner wouldn't hold up because they're not the ones that told him he was the millionth viewer to a website and promised him a prize that if you want baby chicks your hands will need to get together with a rooster this guy was married with one child i thought he would have figured some things out worked with a guy probably 18 stroke 19 doing a job on a farm he asked me what the frick is that thing it was a chicken he was dead serious he had never seen a chicken before i had a renter who was 19 and it was her first time living on her own she didn't get that when you send a letter in the mail you had to put stamps on the letter it came back due to no postage i basically had to confirm to her that she had to do this her response it must be a canada thing because i never had to do that back home she is canadian from quebec but her parents sheltered her so much that she couldn't function on her own and thought quebec and canada were two different countries when my sister was a teenager she left out a letter that was to be mailed later my parents found it and saw that where the postal code was supposed to be she had written nancy to victor someone had read out the postal code beginning with n2v for her over the phone that if they eat a large quantity of fast food it's not unreasonable for them to feel full and bloated and that this doesn't constitute a medical complaint requiring a doctor's review too bad there's no treatment for idiocy that tanzania and tasmania are separate places and that our native tasmanian devils don't actually look like tas from looney tunes our native tasmanian devils don't actually look like tas from looney tunes childhood equals ruined thanks for nothing you make us 75. i was sitting in the lobby of a plastic surgery center my wife had a very difficult pregnancy and bout with cancer long story short she was getting her terrible scar taken care of and i was there to support her this woman was sitting in the lobby with me approx 55yo she was asking what i did etc i told her i'm a nasa cop and worked at jpl which was literally five miles away she sat straight up and leaned towards me and said wait so you fly around in space and enforce laws i waited because i could not tell if this woman was attempting to be funny as heck or psychotic as heck i replied with just the laws of gravity i was waiting for a chuckle what i got was the woman sitting back in her seat and she said huh i never knew we had guys like you then was called back for her appointment you don't save more money breaking transactions up into individual items and using a 20 coupon on each one rather than just taking 20 off the whole purchase seriously one transaction it's simple math stop wasting our time but if you use a 20 off coupon five times it's 100 off that human babies aren't born with their eyes stuck shut like kittens he asked me if my three week old daughter's eyes had opened yet he was asking about the mind's eye but clearly you haven't been taught these secrets the difference between a solar and lunar eclipse wait for it they thought one was where the sun passes between the earth and the moon i still love my wife but that one was a little sad to explain that is an apocalypse i used to be a chef a long time ago i had to explain to this lady that you had to crack the eggs before adding them to the mixer it was the crunchiest caesar dressing i've ever had not combustible oh my gosh you'd appreciate that a member of my family who was in their 40s used dish soap to clean cherries in the sink according to those who tasted the dish she made you could distinctly taste the dish soap still for the uninitiated you just use water only water after my car was stolen and never recovered i bought a new one when i went to get a new plate the girl at the dmv told me just to transfer the old one cue the abbott and costello act of me trying to explain the plate was still on the stolen car it was never recovered either she refused to grant me a plate because i still had one registered and it was fine that it was on a stolen car it transfers took a second clerk to come over and help explain the situation similar thing happened with removing the insurance from the stolen car didn't have theft insurance it was opposed beta so i just went in to cancel the policy because why pay for a car that was probably a burned out husk same act her but so you can't make a claim you don't have theft insurance me i know i just want to cancel the policy repeat in various ways for 10 gd minutes until she calls over manager because i'm being difficult she smuggly grins at me as i explain my situation to the manager and she says you see what i'm dealing with he sighs does three clicks of the mouse and says your policy has been cancelled have a nice day i left to the sounds of her loudly arguing with him i had a similar situation when my car got stolen we had paid for a parking permit for six months in advance and were told that we could get a refund if we brought the old pass back i think eventually they accepted a police report number as proof enough to an office junior post graduate in engineering after checking his work me in the english language if a word starts with a queue it is almost always followed with a u him oh yeah what about quasar defined smug stare me psy to his credit there is no you after a queue in quasan worked in a frame shop at a michael's once and a lady came to ask me why we didn't sell any 10x8 tabletop frames on the sales floor because we only had 8x10 tabletop frames displayed wish i could share the look on her face when i showed her they could be displayed vertically and horizontally i had to explain to a full grown man once that women do truly in fact have a clitoris which produces intense pleasure for the female and that no that was not just a tiny penis to pee out of he was married his poor wife idk what you're talking about i love my wife's penis i was 20 years old and covering the reception desk at a mid-sized law firm on maybe the 14th or 15th floor of a high-rise building this attorney was apparently good at her job from what i understood of her reputation i didn't know her well but this story often makes me wonder about smart and smart on this day as she exited the elevator on her return from lunch she decided to voice what seemed to be a puzzle that stumped her for a very long time i don't understand this building why is it when i enter the elevator facing away from the lobby i exit facing the lobby on the floor above it's like the elevator turns around i stared at her for a few seconds contemplating time space creation and the giant salary differential between our two positions before i spoke the last words i'd ever say to her mom you turn around to face the doors once you get into the elevator you're facing the lobby when the elevator starts to move she went out of her way to avoid me after that i know an attorney who is so far as i can tell excellent at his job he's just terrible at basically everything else to the extent that i'm sometimes amazed he can tie his own shoes or even remember to tie his shoes for that matter i lived in asia for a while there were multiple people in both asia and the us who thought that the western and eastern hemispheres experience opposite seasons like the northern and southern hemispheres do more than once i've grabbed the nearest round object and started saying pretend this grapefruit as the earth and this lamp is the sun there was this girl in my french class i had to explain that france no longer has a monarchy that england and france are different countries and that england and france do not share a land border i don't know they're on the third republic in a row now the revival of the empire is way overdue i wasn't very successful but i attempted to explain this to him let me set the scene on top of a mountain in maui with a tall group watching the sunset and i hear the guy behind me telling his kids the sun sets in the west so that's the pacific ocean so that side over there is the atlantic i laugh and turn around and acknowledge his hilarious joke he was not joking to which i reply you know this is all the pacific ocean 360 degrees around he then rolled his eyes and kept talking to his kids poor things don't stand a chance that contrary to her belief islands are in fact not floating like big rubber boats she was asking how with the wind and currents the islands still maintain their position without roaming the oceans like rocky icebergs i'm ashamed to say i thought antarctica was just composed solely of ice with no land mass just floating around and had to google it after a discussion with a friend not my brightest moment my boss hired an assistant for me from a strip club he had attended the previous weekend he told her that she needed to pay attention to everything i did and then he would replace me with her the things i had to explain show her how to do address an envelope write a business email read a contract before signing it stay for the entirety of a client event show up to work on time not drink at work not gossip at work not have her boyfriend hang out at work all day and more finally she became so upset at how much work my job entailed and she hadn't touched the surface that she quit facebook isn't how you should be keeping up on current events that article janine posted is 100 balls and francis believes the earth is flat so why are you listening to him anyway but janine wouldn't lie to emmy it's like they don't think it's possible for someone to be just wrong and spreading misinformation everybody knows everything and anyone who is wrong about anything is a dirty liar to a 28 yo female native californian whose first and only language is english that it's a vagina and not a virgin should have told her it's pronounced banjina that when you take a cash advance on a credit card the money has to come from somewhere this woman late 30s thought the cashback option at stores was a no-brainer question of course if you are given the option to get 50 right there at a grocery store why pass it up just a couple weeks ago i had to explain to a co-worker that thunder is the sound of lightning she walked away from the conversation angry about how stupid i was looked it up and apologized to me go to give her credit there also i work in a laboratory this co-worker is college educated that if your app is free to download offers no in-app products extra functionality or levels or whatever and you don't run any apps your app will make zero dollars and you should not expect to receive any income for it technically there's one more software business model that would accommodate this if everything about it is free but users have to pay for support if they ever need it and can't get that anywhere else it's how a lot of open source projects make money a girl i know thought that we don't eat chicken's eggs she thought the eggs that chickens lay are exclusively the ones that hatch into chicks and that the eggs we eat are just made in the factory my overly religious mother refused to believe that meat was muscle tissue she was convinced that meat was a separate thing that animals produced just so people could eat it because god made them that way for our benefit i was doing over the phone tech support and i had to explain to more than one person how to freaking plug the power cord into a wall outlet one woman even had to ask what a goddamn outlet was that it was safe to watch the eclipse on the television without safety glasses i let a passing pedestrian look through my glasses at the eclipse at work he freaked out had no idea what an eclipse was that natural medicines and supplements are not necessarily safe or healthy especially in huge quantities rattlesnake venom is natural anthrax is natural e coli is natural bubonic plague is natural careful your food could have chemicals i once tried to unsuccessfully explain to a customer that a hamburger with cheese is just a cheeseburger but they refused to listen and insisted he got a hamburger with cheese that the deer crossing signs on the highway weren't in fact for the deer they were to alert the drivers deer can't read but they have pictures that hurricanes are not named according to whether they are male or female it is just an arbitrary name hurricanes do not have a gender identity steve jobs did not single high-handedly invent the home computer gui the ipad iphone and ipad he had steve wozniak xerox and teams of engineers do that for him lol he just walks out of his garage with a fully functional iphone whether p comes out of a lady i'm a dude she was 33 once had to explain to a friend that no ancient romans did not use cling film and an elastic band in lieu of a condom i'm not even sure what is the worst part of that what's the most simple thing you've ever had to explain to a fully competent adult she refused to understand why her electric bill was higher in the winter that doesn't make any sense you're an idiot i told you i never turned the thermostat up jesus would you listen mom i understand that you did not turn the thermostat up but it gets colder outside in the winter i know it gets colder in the winter you smartest when it's colder outside your furnace has to work harder to maintain the same temperature in your house that uses more electricity so your bill is higher but it shouldn't use any more electricity i never turned the heat up why aren't you listening to me i was helping my little brother with math homework maybe third grade and he had gotten a question on it wrong because he wrote one stroke two and the teacher said the answer was five stroke ten i emailed his teacher and she insisted that the two fractions weren't equivalent after explaining that one can simplify fractions her mind was blown this was a teacher at a public school i think i would have bcc the principal for that conversation she is not qualified to teach math that vietnam is the name of a country and not just the name of a war girl kept insisting i wasn't old enough to have gone there and was utterly confused that i said i went two years ago well you see the moment america became disinterested in that country it just sank into the sea never to be seen again former disney cast member here i was working at hollywood studios on the streets of america where at one end of the street is a huge mural of san francisco meant as a continuation of the physical road an adult guest and i had the following interaction guest are we allowed to climb the hill points down the street me sir that's a mural guessed yeah but are we allowed to climb up it me it's not that you're not allowed to climb it it's that it's a picture of a hill not an actual a guest great we can guys i watched his whole family run down the street toward the hill and then stand in disappointment next to the mural i was hoping for some type of road runner ending i'd have taken them running through the mural rr style or face plant coyote style either way that the new day begins at midnight worse this was a nurse that i worked with she kept insisting that's not how we do it in pennsylvania and i kept insisting i assure you it's how they do it everywhere doing some home renovations for a woman and one day she said every time i ask you to do something it costs me money why is it in a very accusing tone like she caught me pulling a fast one this is depressingly common in all fields i'm a web designer and clients are constantly shocked that if they want more work they have to pay more money that the cardinal directions of the compass are in fact not just alternatives to simple directions relative to the user as in she thought north was just another word for forward that bananas are not a dairy product i explained to a dude once that fish is not poultry and by being in the same box on the food pyramid did not make them the same thing that it is called an ashtray not as buttery he didn't believe me but had sound logic he said but then why are they called cigarette butts ro this is possibly one of the most reasonable misconceptions i've seen in the thread had to explain to a guy that if four builders built a wall and took four hours that six builders building the wall would not take six hours sounds like he knows what happens when two supervisors are added to a construction site that the holocaust was in fact not a person single-handedly took down six million jews i had to explain that no the refrigerator light will not heat up and spoil the food near it see it turns off when the door is shut yes i am sure see this button yes the door makes the light go off by pushing in this button she took the light bulb out anyway just to be sure this was my sister-in-law i remember experimenting with that light when i was a little kid trying hold the door open a crack to see when the light actually turned off trying to figure out how the fridge knew that the door was shut and then finally discovering the button i imagine that a lot of the people in this thread sort of just lack curiosity in the world it's getting more sad the more i read got into an argument once with my ex over whether or not he had a scrotum because he firmly believed that only women had them sounds like he didn't have the balls to admit he was wrong that you can drive to alaska from the us and it is not next to hawaii i once had a co-worker in her early 20s who genuinely thought that alaska was an island next to hawaii and that it was much smaller than texas we need to write some angry letters to the map people they blew a fuse and knocked out the power complained that the tv wasn't working after explaining the cause they asked why the internet wasn't working either no the internet isn't powered by magic it needs electricity too well done landline phones work when the power is out so i can see the reasoning at least i had to explain that magnets don't stick to cinder block walls that first one didn't and the second one you're about to stick on the wall is going to slide down too lol yesterday i bought some alphabet fridge magnets for my two-year at a thrift store and one was missing a magnet seeing her try to stick it and having it keep falling down was hilarious but i feel bad that i can't explain it to her last year my mom got her first smartphone galaxy s4 she tried to take a picture by putting the lens part up to her eyeball then complained that she couldn't see a dank thing she's not even that old 50 and she's used digital cameras before today my older brother who is 20 asked me whether ice cubes goes into the stomach or if they go in the stomach for liquids i kindly had to explain him then humans only have one stomach where both liquids and solids go try to explain to a graduate student who was a few days from graduating that she didn't have to take her bmw to the dealer because the water stopped coming out of the windshield wipers she could buy a bottle of fluid for like one dollar to two dollars and just refill it she bought the bottle of fluid at an auto parts store and poured it into the gas tank sounds like she did need to take it to the dealer so i used to be a travel agent in australia was asked how long it would take to drive from l.a to paris was confused thinking of paris texas but this client had never been to the u.s so it was a bit weird nope she was referring to paris france i got more confused thinking maybe she meant vegas eiffel tower and all but no paris france so i joked and said she'd get pretty wet she didn't laugh and kept asking by this time she was getting crappy and other people were looking so i had to show her a map she was still confused tldr i had to explain that france and america are separated by an ocean that a circle is 360 degrees i was in the u.s navy and when the ship went underway we had lookouts that would stand outside and report anything they saw and what bearing it was if something was directly in front of you it was at 0 0 0 and if something was behind us it was at bearing 180 etc when it was foggy outside we had extra lookouts from different departments supply sent a girl to me who was pretty new so i brought her to her spot and handed her the phones i started to give her a crash course and look out and said you know how a circle is 360 degrees she said i number i must have looked surprised because she gave me major attitude after that i'm terrible at math but i thought the whole circle equals 360 degrees thing was a common knowledge thing oh well we didn't hit anything so it was a successful watch maybe she was used to radiance when you get your food to go walk outside in -20 weather drive 30 minutes home the food will be cold but don't call the restaurant and complain because you don't understand thermodynamics had to explain to a woman exactly why she couldn't park her land rover on the slabs we just laid in her driveway her response was it's my driveway i'll park there if i like your response should have been well you have a point there but i wouldn't recommend it then pull out your cell phone for a video when i was younger through she'll luck i found myself with a very good job at a very important government agency one of my co-workers higher-ups he wasn't my boss but had a higher position said something about negative numbers can't be divided i imagine this was some sort of lapse or mix-up in his head about square roots of negative numbers i didn't even want to get into imaginary numbers with him he was adamant about being unable to divide negative numbers after a few failed attempts to try and explain this to him in words i grabbed a white board i drew a number line marked a positive four and negative four drew a four squares on each side you agree positive four is four squares away from zero yeah okay what happens when you split those four squares into two groups you have two squares in each group okay now negative four is four squares away from zero as well right yep so what happens when you split those four into two groups you can't do that i threw my marker across the room and walked out i never brought up numbers with him again if there is a disabled person in the car i get to use their handicapped park to park the disabled person doesn't actually have to drive they just have to be in the car i'm not making my disabled aunt walk across the parking lot just because i drove and you are too stupid to figure out that a car fits more than one person credit cards and free money auto loans are given freely to people who can't afford to buy cars although some places do financing a 70 k car using your entire life savings which only cover one stroke four of what the car costs immediately after you land a six dollar xk year job right after graduation while you're still saddled with student loans is a bad decision financial literacy is an underrated competency on my way back home to hawaii was told on the plane by a college student that she loves it there because we use american money and speak pretty good english and you don't need a passport to get there longest five hour flight of my life to clarify i grew up in england and have an english accent her what language do you speak where you come from me english her no i mean what actual language did you speak as you grew up me i grew up in england and we speak english there huh you don't understand we speak english in america what language did you speak before moving here me by wait till she finds out they speak mexican in spain military time what's 1324 1324 means 1 24 p.m how can you be sure it's not a.m because it's 13 there isn't a 13 o'clock it's military time it runs on a 24-hour cycle instead of 12 hours of m and 12 hours of pm so the 13th hour is 1pm but how do you know it's not supposed to be am my head hits the desk or as we europeans call it time i went to a christening once for a traveler child and even though i was in a pew of six or seven grown men i was the only one who could read i had to read the prayers for all of them that day i learned of the rampant illiteracy in the traveling community in ireland i once went with my father to a traveler's site to buy a car when it came to writing out a receipt they had to go to another family on the site to find an 11 year old girl who was only person on the site who could read had to explain to an ex that in fact a steaming tea bag would not in fact set fire to the contents of the bin so it didn't need to be left in the sink to cool down my dad leaves he has used tea bags in the sink to cool down but he understands that the bin won't catch fire i don't know why he thinks they need to cool down i think it's just a habit now a girl smart girl didn't know where eggs came from she thought they just came out of a factory like chicken nuggets when she found out chickens lay eggs her world exploded the weird thing about it that she was actually really smart but she never learned about eggs was talking with a customer where i work yesterday who was talking about her and her daughter's allergies she went on to say that her daughter was allergic to dairy and how difficult that was because so many things contain eggs she was firmly under the belief that eggs were a dairy product last week during dinner i told my 23 year old recent college graduate brother that i was planning on making pickles when we got home he looked at me dumbfounded with an eye wide-eyed stare i had to explain to him that pickles did not grow out of the ground as pickles and are in fact cucumbers freshman year of college my roommate's mother came to town and took us both to dinner somehow raisins came up in conversation and i discovered that my roommate did not know that raisins were dried grapes as i was making fun of him it became clear from the dumb struck look on her face that his mother also had no idea late to the party but had to explain to my husband that real maple syrup comes from trees and is not a mixture of ingredients like the fake pancake syrup we're canadian that if you don't have money no job and are planning to get married you shouldn't get a loan to buy an expensive car but the first payment is free my brother jim was working as a mechanic a few years ago while finishing his engineering degree this is one of his stories about a co-worker of his that he refers to as drunk bob remember a few years ago when nasa's deep impact mission crashed a probe into a comet while apparently drunk bob was flipping through the radio stations and he happened to hear brief explanation of the mission he slightly misunderstood what he heard drunk bob was convinced that nasa had blown up the moon he was really worried about it so during their lunch break he went to jim who is probably the smartest guy he knows drunk bob expressed his concerns about the blown-up moon as he thought it might affect the tides and stuff jim had to explain to him that they didn't blow up the moon and there's no way they could he said that the moon is as big as texas and there's no way you could blow up texas that seemed to ease drunk bob's mind well he understands that the moon is the main cause of tides so he's doing better than bill o'reilly i had to explain to a co-worker how to calculate a mean she has an mba and makes twice what i make i died a little that day send her an invoice for the tutoring i had to teach an old lady how to put gas in her car at first i thought it was hilarious but then i found out her husband had done this for her her entire life and he had recently passed so here she was stuck all alone in the world trying to learn to do the most basic things for herself happy thursday everyone this is exactly what happened to my mom except my dad still alive she grew up in a time and place where attendance pumped gas and then after that my dad put the gas in her car so she had to have a friend show her how and she still tears up when she thinks about that friend and how much it meant to her so you probably made a big impact on that woman's life just let me answer by the question she asked me how come the actors agrees to play in a horror movie if they know they're gonna get killed she was serious tony 23 year old honors neuroscience student acing all his freaking classes yo is it true that if you put an acorn in the ground you get a tree me up yeah dude it's a seed trees grow from seeds tony like that kind of tree me no that's a pine tree it grows from a pine cone acorns turn into oak trees tony yo are you freaking with me you just put it in the ground and you get a freaking tree how long does it take me to grow an oak tree that tall about 30 or 40 years maybe tony why it me i'm struggling to believe a neuroscience student didn't become acquainted with the basics of biology in high school how to double click and what's right clicking does the earth does not go around the moon to a primary school teacher who left me because she decided i was beneath her intellectually to the class of 2015 good luck you'll need it that five percent of 100 is five that our muscles are connected to our skeletal structure and enable us to move instead of being just for show that no nazi is not a modern acceptable slang term for a german person that yes men do in fact urinate through their penises she said she knew that we could do so but that we have an extra hole tucked mid taint and that we could choose which hole to use at will her reasoning because obviously if a man peed while he was sitting on the toilet then obviously he would pee all over the place because we all totally rest our junk on the front of the toilet seat every time we sit down the fact that we could tuck our junk into the bowl never once crossed her mind she was not a virgin she had given her boyfriend at the time bjs i have no idea how she never noticed the whole lack of an extra magic pee hole while she was down there these were all from the same girl who i roomed with for four years she just graduated from a respectable university with a double major too a buddy of mine in college dated this 18 year old woman from the deep south she was a smock in hot curvy blonde we shared a lot and he told me something strange she will not kiss me when we have sex the one time he did kiss her she freaked out and spent the rest of the night gargling with mouthwash sobbing it turns out the reason why she freaked out was because of her mother's birds and the bee's talk was short and filled with bible guilt it was given to her when she was found with a boy making out at 12. her mother basically told her if you're going to be a w and make out with boys you're going to get pregnant with the child of satan it took me her boyfriend and a college professor of anatomy to finally convince her that it's the sex portion not the kissing portion that will get her pregnant even then i still wasn't 100 convinced she really understood they broke up a year later when she quit school and went back home to run the family business tl dr how is baby formed sorry for your lots what is the strangest thing you did that seemed completely normal at the time but five seconds later you realized it was 100 moronic unwrapping a small type candy bar and throwing the candy bar in the trash leaving me holding a foil wrapper and only the faint smell of what goodness could have been applied toothpaste to my razor in anticipation of shaving it was only when i picked up the razor and was momentarily confused as to whether i should brush or shave did i realize what i did wrong you don't put shaving cream on a razor and you don't brush your teeth with a razor nothing was right about that left my coffee cup on my back bumper and drove 12 miles to the bank and after parking met someone i knew and while talking to him reached down and picked up my coffee and had a sip i wouldn't have thought anything about it except the look on his face oh god i hope you played it cool after jim i was sitting in english and realized i had forgot to put on deodorant so i reached into my bag to get my spray deodorant which made a bit of noise and it got everyone's attention in the same manner as running your hand through your hair after someone missing your high five i opened my mouth wide and sprayed axe deodorant right down my throat at that deer caught in the headlights moment of everyone watching me spraying my armpits would have just been way iii too embarrassing or something and my stupid stupid brain convinced me that spraying it in my mouth was the best way to cover it up by the way don't ever do this it's like drinking boiled cologne your mind is full of frick woke up one morning tired as heck went to make some eggs cracked four or five right down the garbage disposal before i realized what i was doing driving with my dad back to the house when the driveway was in clear sight i noticed the car was missing i got very worried didn't catch on until we started pulling in i hope you found the car i'm so used to licking the lids from yogurt pots clean that one early morning when i peeled off the lid from the cat food can i licked it before my brain lag caught up chicken surprise really means surprise it's not chicken one time i was holding a grapefruit i wondered if i could catch it between by chin and collarbone if i tossed it up into the air first so i threw it the grapefruit at my throat i threw a grapefruit at my throat it hurt like a bee i hacked and gasped and guggled for like 20 minutes hey at least it wasn't a pineapple when i was in first grade i was walking down the hall and passed my teacher going the opposite direction as we passed i casually blew her a kiss i'm pretty sure some mom teacher wire got crossed in my brain and it seemed like a completely reasonable greeting right before i did it but right as i did it i realized how horribly embarrassing it was i just kept walking and didn't turn around to see her reaction this reminded me of two absent-minded things that happened to me in kindergarten i called my teacher mom all the time in grade 1 i kissed a girl on the mouth while she was trying to drink from the water fountain also i am a girl socially awkward penguin girl it was after i saw star wars episode 3 opening night i took a leak alongside everyone else it was kind of distracted so when i went to wash my hands i just walked up to a running sink and stuck my hands in and rinsed really quick moments later it registered why the water was running some other dude was already standing there washing his hands i cleaned mine over his and he just watched i stopped turned around and just said why the frick did i just do that i'm really sorry about that he just nodded and went back to cleaning his hands this is not the sink you're looking for oh the lights went out must be another blackout dang it's dark in here let me just get the lights every time i accidentally dropped a glass and it shattered all over the floor i cleaned it up but thought there might still be tiny glass pieces on the floor that i couldn't see so i decided the best way to be sure was to walk across the floor in bare feet mistake fact to clean up really tiny shards of glass pad the ground with slices of white bread i am not a morning person but i worked at a coffee shop that required me to be functional at 4am this led to many silly moments the thing i did most often was open up a java jacket sleeve and attempt to pour coffee into that most of the time people just laughed and i realized what i was doing i also remember handing someone the dirty blender and putting their drink in the sink to be washed i think my boss kept scheduling me to open for the entertainment value i have on more than one occasion cracked an egg into the trash and taken the shells to the frying pan summer camp when i was about 12 years old sweating my butt off in line for the water cooler the kind with a nozzle on the bottom to pour yourself a drink in a plastic cup i'm wearing a hat and i think man it would feel great if my hat was soaked with cold water so i get the cooler take the top off dip my hat in the icy water and put my hat on my dirty nasty greasy hat i've been wearing all summer and i've just dipped it in everyone's drinking water i turn around and everyone's looking at me with disgust and hatred i'm an idiot oh my goodness i'm sorry i wasn't thinking rings had water back into cooler i was standing in a grocery line the other day texting or something being a phone zombie and i just farted like pushed it out on purpose i stood there for a couple of seconds before i realized where i was no one around was pleased i did the same thing except it was when i was spooning naked with a guy i just started having sex with i was just starting to fall asleep and i guess i thought i was alone for a second squeezed one out and it flapped through his naked legs my mum was once standing talking to me when she suddenly paused picked something off of the bottom of her shoe inspected it and put it in her mouth a few seconds later she realized what she was doing and spat it out i still haven't let her forget that little incident nice try richard stallman the other day i was making myself a sandwich and i thought to myself maybe my friend wants a piece of lunch meat so i dangled a piece in front of her until she asked me what i was doing i honestly don't know what i was thinking one of those moments where the very fabric of human interaction momentarily disintegrates once when i was about 15 i was sitting in the back of my mom's van while it was parked i was waiting for her to get back from shopping both vehicles parked to the left and right of the van that i was in began to back out of their parking spots giving the illusion that the van that i was in was rolling forward i had an adrenaline spike like you wouldn't believe i dove from the back of the van landing with some insane crawling movements to press my hand on the brake i moved my foot up to replace my hand and looked around noting what had really just happened derp i once lost my keys and tried finding them by yelling keys as if there were some pets that would beckon to my command back when i was in 11th grade i had a friend stay over for the night my parents were away and we were complete nerds i think we spent the night watching red dwarf anyway i made a pretty damn tasty steak for dinner and at about 3 a.m we decided we wanted some ice cream we both liked cherry garcia so we figured we'd split a pint when we got back to the house my friend said could you split that i left something in the car two minutes later he came back into the house and saw me with an eight inches chef knife cutting the pint of ice cream in half because i for some reason have forgotten that splitting ice cream meant putting equal parts into two separate bowls honestly cutting it in half is probably the best way to evenly distribute it i was trying to stick my keys in a wall socket once you know just to see if it would fit i got frustrated after a few moments and quit then realized i was a huge idiot i voted for science i was mowing the lawn with an electric mower when i was about 13. i was tired of constantly moving the electrical cord every time i made another pass or had to go back for a spot i missed so i somehow convinced myself that these mowers were designed to mow over the cord and wouldn't cut it i was wrong i didn't know these mowers existed and was expecting you to say you got halfway done before you realized you were vacuuming the lawn ran into the backyard to feed the dogs naked i got out there put the food in the dish turned around and i was naked the yard seemed very big right at that moment knowing i had to walk back to the house naked my fiance still has not let me live that one down i worked at a coffee shop in college one day i was working the register and the customer used credit card to pay i swiped the card put in the amount waited for the receipt to print out ripped it off picked up a pen and signed the receipt then i had a moment of wtf did i just do and the customer was staring at me like i was stealing money from him i just absent-mindedly did what i normally do with a credit card receipt which is sign it i do this at least once a week i walk up to my front door and press the unlock button on my car keys expecting my house to beep twice woke up walked downstairs grabbed a frying pan three spoons and milk out of the fridge threw the spoons in there poured the milk and took my frying pan upstairs to my computer three hours later when i woke up for real i was like what the frick this actually happened again developed more in later weeks but i think it got even weirder than this and probably less believable i was at boy scout camp putting spent .22 shells in the fire on the end of a stick i dropped a red hot one on one of the rocks circling the fire i immediately picked it up with my fingers still missing fingerprints 12 years later you are untraceable sneaking out of the house in high school put pillows under blanket snuck out the back clean getaway take parent's car and chill with friends check figured i shouldn't drive back home until after parents leave for work at 4 30 a.m it turns out when you borrow your parents car they can't get to work at dinner with some friends one of them was eating a cookie with white frosting on the top and another jokingly asked if it was mayo the friend with the cookie immediately puts the cookie to his ear listens for a second then says no mayonnaise is not an instrument while watching forrest gump i leaned to my dad and said lieutenant dan really has legs they showed him earlier in the movie thus i pee myself with laughter one day while driving i came to a stop at a red light i looked both ways and made sure no one was coming then proceeded to make a left turn a few seconds later it hits me you can only make a right on red i felt like such an idiot i did that exact same thing while i had a couple of friends in the car they sounded panicked and yelled what are you doing and i calmly responded i'm taking a free left left myself a phone message to remind myself of something shortly thereafter was excited to see the message light flashing pouring cereal on plate pee in garbage thinking it's a toilet starting microwave for no reason hurting milk in cup cover i'm freaking [ __ ] or a horrendous drunk i was eating steak and potatoes and damned if there wasn't a bit of potato on my steak knife that i apparently really wanted five seconds later as the edge of the knife slid into my tongue i felt pretty stupid cringe not me but my significant other we were staying on the top floor of a hilton during vacation when at 3am the fire alarm went off immediately years of school training kicked in for me and i pulled on some pants a shirt headed for the door found the map marking the escape route and headed out the door part way down the hall i realized my sir was not with me i turned around rang back to the room to see her standing around looking lost honey what the frick are you doing i screamed i have to grab the important stuff she responded frick the stuff we have 13 floors of stairs to get down she grabbed some stuff and pushed past me into the hall we reached the parking lot without any problems and was standing around with all of the rest of the patrons when it occurred to me to ask her what was so important to grab when a fire might have been raging around us she looked at her hand and realized the only thing she was carrying was some chapstick freaking chapstick that's really romantic if you look at it this way she was anticipating dying in the fire with you and wanted your final kiss to not be dry one time when i was little i got up late at night to use the restroom worried it would wake my parents sleeping in the next room over i was hesitant to flush so i went and asked my mom if it would be okay i was not a bright kid one time when i was staying with my parents i got up to pee in the middle of the night i was still mostly asleep and i was having a nightmare that there were murderers outside my door who would kill me if i left my room i must have listened at the door for several minutes before deciding that it wasn't safe to go out and use the bathroom i had to pee really bad though so i committed a desperate act i grabbed my cereal bowl from that morning off my nightstand and peed in the bowl then i put the bowl under my bed the next morning i found the bowl full of pee and i was like what the frick then i vaguely remembered doing it and i felt really really stupid and weird about myself then came the issue of what to do with the pee i would have to carefully transport a nearly full bowl of pee from my bedroom to the bathroom without alerting my mom to the fact that i was inexplicably carrying a bowl of my own pee through the house i didn't hear anything so i opened the door and bolted to the bathroom trying hard not to spill the pee my mom said good morning but she didn't ask me what i was doing thankfully i only spilled a little pee on the carpet took a class where there was an exercise that had us write a letter to someone we disliked or had issues with part of the exercise was that these letters would be mailed to us towards the end of the semester to see if we felt the same as we did two months ago the instructor made this quite clear a couple months later i get a threatening letter in the mail call a couple of my buds together so we can go over the letter and figure out who was after me and how to respond friend reads the letter and says dude isn't that your crappy handwriting my other buddy punches the heck out of my arm and says got him the best part is that you actually were worried enough to invite friends over to peruse the letter bet your buddies never let you live that one down couldn't hear my professor in class so i turned up the volume of my laptop had a what the frick moment when i realized what i did on a tuesday i wanted to ask my friend if we had a free day on wednesday ended up saying with a straight face is it true that tomorrow is wednesday went to pee on the toilet and realized after a few seconds that i hadn't pulled my pjs down i'm a girl hey it was cold my cold adult brain for a split second thought it had hit on a winning idea i was in eighth grade and i used to really be into everquest anyway one weekend i was on the computer for a solid six hours straight with no bathroom breaks staring at my spell book and attentively watched everybody's health bars to make sure nobody died somewhere during my marathon session i decided it would be a good time to go to the kitchen to grab a drink i tried to turn around to get out of my chair but i couldn't i could not move i was terrified five seconds later i realized i was trying to turn my own head with my mouse i immediately camped grabbed a drink and went outside i record music so i hit cntrl plus head a lot when i freak up in life there's a split second of relief thinking that i'll just see ntrl plus zed it then the obvious next thought occurs i woke my sleeping rod wheeler the way i wake my boyfriend by poking him in the ribs and kissing his nose simultaneously every time i look at my scars in the mirror i remember i'm a dumbass i actually find that weird but it seems like a lot of other people are saying that has happened too i guess i have always poked prodded bugged my sleeping rod is large dogs while they sleep since they were puppies so they are used to it and never panic when they wake up to me being annoying i was cleaning the kitchen once after cooking and i took a pan full of hot oil and just stuck it under the faucet without thinking oil started exploding freaking everywhere and i couldn't figure out what to do since it happened so fast so i was just standing there reaching my arm out as far from my body as possible and screaming a lot i thankfully didn't get burnt but there are still oil stains on the ceiling above that sink also brought a new friend over once when i was 14 and we were eating dinner and i just leaned over and let one rip while staring her in the face i don't know why i did it and it felt like i forgot she was even there for a second but i was looking her in the eyes serious faced all pff rrt i usually don't fart around close friends let alone one i've known for a few weeks tops that kinda cemented our friendship though because we both laughed for 20 minutes i once kicked a blue swirly bowling ball at full force because i though it was one of those bouncy light balls you get at the store teachers of reddit they say there are no stupid questions but what's the most stupid question a student has ever asked you also not a teacher but when i was in high school in health class while going over reproduction there was a fellow student who raised her hand and asked if you were sterile could you pass it on to your children the whole class giggled and she confused said she was serious she wanted to know if you're sterile could you pass it on to your kids the teacher with a smile said to her okay let's think about this what does it mean to be sterile she began answering it means that you can't have k o h hhh followed by another round of laughter from the rest of the class to her credit they are finding that people conceived using ivf are having difficulty having children of their own as adults so not completely a dumb question depending if you mean completely sterile or unable to reproduce unassisted [Music] at university i had a classmate that would often show up 20 minutes late to class the first thing he did after sitting down was raise his hand to ask questions about what the professor had just said question after question until he had caught up with the rest of the class absolutely infuriating that's a bad professor who allowed that in seventh grade science class during physical ed they were talking about fellatio mormon girl in class wait you can get an std just from talking about freaking i wouldn't call the question stupid just no exposure at all to the topic beforehand i once projected a picture of the earth onto the front white board a student asked how do astronauts stand on a planet like that was an 8th grade student being totally serious not under any noticeable influence of illegal substances the same way we all are standing on the moon right now not a teacher but there's one i'll never forget wyatt einstein s dead this was a gcse class 15 stroke 16 year olds ninth grade ella a few chapters in two of mice and men what kind of work does george do on the farm i'm not sure probably the same work that everyone else is doing oh it must be hard for him to help out since he's a mouse frick read it not really a teacher but i'm a federal budget analyst and had to train a new employee who had apparently been working in budgets for 20 years or so so should have been able to quickly pick things up she wasn't when i finally got her on the right track with our year-end financial reports i told her she was close but her numbers were off so double check them she responded with well wouldn't someone else just fix that i know that's exactly what you get paid to do so you need to put the correct numbers in the report so we can publish it what on earth would we do with almost correct financial reports the next day she just couldn't figure it out and i said you're really close it's probably just rounding she said does it matter how do you know when you should round it up or down i said yes it matters just use normal rounding rules she asked what those are i very slowly said you know 0.5 or higher your roundup she had never been familiarized with that apparently in the end i really felt like i would have been better off teaching a third grader while i was student teaching i had a student ask where texas was on the map i was projecting on the screen the map was of china so the map was zoomed in a bit to the east the kid was just trying to help you find the safe house at the college midterm i had a guy comes up to me that i've never seen in class he proceeded to ask me what his grade is check the sheet he never turned in a single piece of homework no quizzes never attended a test what did you think you'd have you've got a solid f when i was in high school the same student asked where is the great wall of china aren't the sun and moon the same thing that guy with the hitler mustache did he win yes charlie chaplin won us all sorry i'm not a teacher but this was a question my teacher asked a student in my philosophy class community college teacher if it looks like a duck quacks like a duck then it must be points at random student for an answer random student man i have no idea a witch hug this freaking kid i'm sure everyone has one in their grade the type that is told his answer is wrong but somehow won't accept it and defends his factually wrong answer with the weirdest bulls logic it was the year that the game fable came out and the slogan was for every decision a million outcomes this kid was in my ninth grade english class and we were learning about actual fables this kid asks the teacher doesn't the word fable mean for a single decision there's a million outcomes cue everyone in the class slowly turning their heads to look at him the teacher said no a fable is a short story or tale used to establish or show ethics and morals something along those lines aka the actual meaning of the word fable the kid goes oh well i think you're wrong cause there's this game that came out and in the commercials it says for every decision there's a million outcomes the teacher and this kid literally argued about the meaning of the word fable for like half an hour in class and everyone's telling the kid he's wrong and he refuses to accept it because the commercial said otherwise he didn't actually use the word otherwise i am sure that it's out of his vocabulary range but he refused to relent fricking ryan shut the frick up history teacher said magna carta and this one girl opened to her mouth and says excuse me it's manga i hope she thinks back on that and cringes a little had a pupil ask me if the sun they saw in america was the same as the sun we saw here in scotland and why was there sun so much warmer it people acting like knowing what the sun is and that there's only one requires any more than nursery level knowledge of astronomy the kid was 15. living in scotland this one isn't hard to believe i teach martial arts to little kids i had a kid ask me if he could punch his mom now this is from before i was a teacher i gave private lessons a student who's generally smart that lacks a lot of general knowledge especially history and politics hitler comes up in an explanation hitler yeah you know who hitler is right isn't that the guy the jews worship bonus points we're german private writing instructor a couple of years ago i had a student ask me if commas were real or imaginary he was equally dubious about semicolons which he referred to as imitation periods he was 26 and very serious not a teacher but a classmate of mine was genuinely surprised to learn of the existence of cocoa beans he thought previously that chocolate came from brown cows i mean why else would hershey's and stuff be called milk chocolate we were in 10th grade at the time my little sister at age 14 believe taco meat came from taco cows and that it wasn't just seasoned ground beef she legitimately believed there were cows who produced mexican seasoned beef elementary student after leaving backpack on the bus someone should invent some sort of device that attaches a backpack to a person's body so they don't lose it most of the idiotic questions i get are always linked to history though i'm an english teacher they have no idea about different time periods or a sense of centuries so i get questions such as why didn't dickens just get on a plane was the internet not around then then being the 1700s were the victorians around when dinosaurs were and these are 14 16 year olds it gets even harder for them when thinking about the few decades prior to their existence id the 50s 90s i wonder if we are all like that a little when we're so young certainly not at those ages 10th grade honors chemistry topic is states of matter what would liquid ice be called we're still not sure if he was making a joke about the short-lived icebreakers mint's liquid ice because everyone was laughing too hard [Music] me that's why the earth is round student but tyler tequila said it's flat on twitter isn't it me stunned silence i'm a casual lecturer and have a young family so only work the hours i'm paid quite often i'll get a student not show for the entire semester then in the last week appear and ask why i can't teach them out of ours there have been tears and complaints when i've basically said that if they'd shown up to class they'd know what they were doing and i have better things to do with my life than support lazy students not a teacher but a tutor and not really a question but was trying to explain to one girl doing her gcses how the start of the word for the alkanes shows how many carbon atoms there are for example like octane has aids and decaying as 10 etc asked her how menipentane had she didn't know asked her how many sides a pentagon has she didn't know proceeded to blow her mind by drawing a pentagon turns out she had never come across the concept of a five-sided shape before it's only after entering computer science that it occurs to me how many people don't know even basic trigonometry geometry or algebra they always ask me why they would ever need to know it if they can get by without it i always explain that it doesn't make it possible to live just that it makes your life a fuckload easier not a teacher but in eighth grade physical aid class we had a box where students could submit questions anonymously one day the teacher read aloud one of the questions which asked my dad's dong is circumcised but mine is not does this mean he isn't my dad yes he believed circumcision was hereditary bless his heart those anonymous question boxes are so useful someone in my physical aid class wanted to know where the bone comes from i'm so glad people had a way to get answers to this stuff pre-internet or post-internet but especially pre-internet not a teacher but during high school one of the girls in my history class asked our teacher who had won world war ii we were like 14 and had spent the last three months studying world war ii bonus points we told her germany won and she believed us for a month till we took pity of her and explained that the allies won we convinced my friend that germany had almost won the war then france had come out of nowhere and take over the entire continent thus causing the cold war a girl back in my grade 9 science class once asked what happens to the egg in the mom's stomach when the baby hatches we were covering human reproduction and the reproductive cycle and in quebec physical letters taught in elementary school most of them i taught my ex what a clitoris is that she had one and it's as i understand it function this is a full-grown woman in her mid-twenties with a child not a teacher but in a my freshman college class one student asked our professor you know how it says all men are created equal well that's not true because like i'm good at hockey but some people aren't and some people are good singers so that's wrong isn't it she didn't know how to answer that one because she was stunned into silence equal but not the same my cousin is a teacher and one day he had to teach a physical ed unit to the class you know the ones where everyone splits off into boy and girl groups so that they can put any question in a hat and have it answered anonymously he is a guy so he was answering the questions for the boys so he got some questions that were clearly looking for stupid answers and threw them out as usual certain jokers were trying to get a rise out of him then he got to question that asked why do you have to have an erection to frick a girl this one he couldn't avoid he didn't know if it was serious or not so he decided he would have to answer it he said you know how you have the plastic tip on the end of your shoelaces to get it into the hole it is kind of like that this may be the greatest metaphor i ever personally heard of thank you for listening while discussing the bill of rights if we got the right to bear arms why can't we wear tank tops in school brilliant gun show i'm not a teacher but i'm a librarian archivist and i used to work at a university one time a student came in while i was doing reference and he was waiting to pick up a print job or something so he started asking me questions to pass the time which is cool except it very quickly devolved into him flagrantly trying to impress hit on me i have no idea why basically the dumbest question a student ever asked me was complete with what i'm sure were his best bedroom eyes so have you ever read the art of seduction except it very quickly devolved into him flagrantly trying to impress hit on me i have no idea why i got this one you're cute as an older student going to college one thing stands out for me we were discussing the coastal flooding attributed to the melting of the ice caps and the kid asked the professor what the big deal was the land was lifting as fast as the sea was rising anyway the professor stopped to digest that for a moment the kid went on to say that the flooding wasn't a worry because all of the world's coastlines were constantly lifting up out of the ocean depths not a teacher but i once heard a student say you actually believe in evolution so you think monkeys just decided not to turn into people to another student and the teacher basically looked into the camera like he was on the office so to speak the i don't actually understand evolution but clearly it can't be true starter pack we were getting ready for a field trip in a class of about 20. i make the announcement we're leaving in about 10 minutes go to the bathroom fill up your water bottles everyone is getting ready and standing around and one of my students comes up to me in a panic excuse me excuse me have we left yet we all look around at everyone standing by the door or by their desks number no i don't think we've left yet good grief when reading go to the bathroom fill up your water bottles i instantly fear that a student might have filled their water bottle with water from the toilet bowl i remember when i was a little kid my teacher said x is the greatest invention since the wheel and i asked what's the wheel he got really mad and shouted at me for a while because he thought i was taking the p i knew what a wheel was but the way he said it just didn't register to my kiddie brain and i instantly assumed he was talking about some completely different thing also called the wheel kid in my 10th grade biology class takes a cake for me we were going over chromosomes talking about the effects of an extra chromosome down syndrome and this kid looks confused as heck goes turning like mad in his head finally he raises his hand with the extra chromosome shouldn't they be like superheroes i love this one high school me please sign the attendance sheet next to your name then pass it along a couple minutes later student calls out everybody is writing letters next to their name how am i supposed to know what letters to write other student your name everyone's writing their names not a teacher we were assigned classwork in a computer class and another classmate asked if we had to do the classwork the teacher responded you know how at the beginning of the course i said there was no such thing as a stupid question that's a stupid question not a teacher but i was in class with someone who asked a really stupid question this one girl in my physical science class asked why we tore down the land bridge that allowed ancient peoples to travel to america to stop illegal immigrants done one of my professors at my university was showing a picture of the united states and one of his students asked him how do people climb those big walls that go around every state he had to explain that they were just showing where the state borders are on the map my parents used to teach identical sixth grade science curriculum at two different schools and great papers at home together they would read the dumbest answers aloud one-upping each other until they had a winner the only answer i remember clearly was to the question what is the smallest thing in the universe one kid answered about the size of two potatoes if you drink too much gatorade and fill up to here points a throat do you drown you know there's stuff in your body and you're not just a hollow tank right not really a question but an answer to a question i was teaching a world history course to 10th graders and asked the question what does a.d mean a couple kids took a shot but the wrong and a girl who fit the absolute textbook definition of a stereotypical cheerleader raised her hand and answered as confidently as someone would answer that the sky is blue or grass is green with after dinosaurs not a teacher but my stepmother was third grader asked her if there was really a president named harry balls poor kid got punked hard on that one we still laugh about it not a teacher but i had a girl in a few of my classes in high school that had some real wtf moments one she once asked our geography teacher how the water got back to the top of a waterfall two when overhearing my friend getting scolded for smoking the teacher had said that his father quit cold turkey she asked him how his father got addicted to turkey in the first place three in history we were being taught about corporal punishment and the term lashes came up she didn't understand what was so severe about eyelashes being pulled out she was pretty hot she once asked our geography teacher how the water got back to the top of a waterfall i mean a complete understanding of this question arguably requires some serious thinking about thermodynamics the fact that water flowing downhill is free energy confused our civilization for a long time my brother is a teacher and told me of an instance where several students insisted that a map of their home state was a map of the usa i'm not a teacher but a girl in my class was convinced that saturn was the biggest planet in the solar system she asked the teacher and the teacher said that jupiter was the biggest this girl then proceeded to insist she was correct and wouldn't look at any charts we should hear a real piece of work that one that's better than just not knowing your planets i was on a high school academic team and ended up being the only one in a room of idiots that knew more than three planets not to mention the order of them if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

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Keywords: im with stupid, dumbest people on the internet, dumbest criminals, dumbest people ever, dumbest people, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2021, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, updoot everything, updoot reddit, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: h6ein5QWrUY

Length: 192min 51sec (11571 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 05 2021