WTF Dating Stories (Reddit Compilation)

dear adit last night i finally went on a date with this guy who's been asking me out for the past couple of months he took me to a weight loss seminar what's your what the freaking frick is this moment in your dating history went out with a girl for a first date she took me to a comedo lesson which is a korean sword fighting sport i thought that was cool but it was an advanced class and i made somewhat of a fool of myself but all in good fun anyway it turned out that she was bringing me there because she wanted me to be part of a documentary about foreigners in korea so my looking like a fool was broadcast nationwide we then visited the grand masters house for machiali and the film crew started interviewing me they were basically focusing on my relationship with the girl i was going out with they didn't seem to understand it was a first date so here i am trying to answer awkward questions without embarrassing both of us on national television there's bad dates then there's nationally televised bad dates there was a guy who had been asking me to hang out for a while and i finally said yes he wanted to hang out at his house with his roommate so i went he took me into the basement where there was a dirty mattress on the floor and nothing else i ran to this day i have no idea what it was about but i ran and never told anyone about it until now finally someone with common sense your brain says run and you did good for you when i was a teenager i worked at a retail store in the mall and a guy who worked a few stores down would always come in and talk to me he was super sweet and genuine and would randomly take me to lunch bring me coffee and the like it was nice to just have someone to talk to and who seemed genuinely interested in me and what i had to say he asked me on a date a few times and i always declined i don't like the idea of dating someone who i work with work next to just in case it goes sour after a month or two i finally agree to go on a date with him because good guys are hard to find i couldn't just let him pass by he picks me up at my house and on our way to dinner we get into a car accident the driver's side was t-boned pretty badly and we ended up having to go to the hospital where he contacted his roommate who then contacted my date's girlfriend i must know what happened when his girlfriend found out he got in a car accident taking another woman out on a date after my freshman year of college i met a guy on okcupid and we went to get dinner at fridays as our first date offered to give me a ride but i said no he was a couple years older well dressed and started talking about how he'd started his own business after college and it was going well good for him bragging a bit but hey that's an accomplishment so after we order he says let's play a game we'll each take out our wallets and compare what's in them wasn't a joke literally started showing me his credit cards and bragging about the high limits ending with clearly you can't afford to pay for this dinner but don't worry i can cover you i was pee and protested but he wouldn't take no for an answer so as we leave he says he wants to show me his car unfortunately it was before mine in the loft so i had to walk by it it was a white windowless serial killer van he begged me to frick him in it right there in the friday's parking lot i was pretty glad i drove separately hopefully i won't need to do dating again ever but if i do your story has made me decide that if i do i will take my own transport a guy i had met three days previously offered to pick me up and hang out i was cool with that but he ended up dragging me around on errands we went to his dentist appointment and then when i said i wanted to leave he said he'd give me a ride home but only in exchange for a bj i was pretty scarred about dating after that and no i didn't give him a bj i got out right there and walked to a bus stop i went on a date with a guy that i met online he told me to dress nice and that he was going to take me out for dinner he took me to subway ordered a foot long teriyaki chicken sub he looked at me and said i hope you like teriyaki chicken we shared the sub in his car safe to say there was no second date went to pick a girl up at her house after meeting on a dating website she seemed significantly larger than her photo but only in the lower abdominal region but this is when i realized that she had failed to mention that she was pregnant guy i worked with kept asking me out i continuously said no after about a year i started to feel bad for the guy and said yes to a date he asked me to lunch so i figured it could be a quick easy date he picked me and took me to wendy's where he made me order off the dollar menu and i could only get two things after this very quiet lunch where he hunkered over his chicken nuggets like i would steal them he said he needed to stop at walmart we go in and he heads to the lotion section strange but whatevs he then grabs two scented lotions and asks which one i like better being nice i pick one and he responds with great i'll use this for your massage oh luckily i had to work in two hours and told him the massage would have to wait i spent the next three months trying to avoid him until he quit i met this cute girl in college i asked her out a couple times she was really into me numerous occasions we sat in a coffee shop for six seven eight hours talking the night away but couldn't do anything about it as she was seeing someone else okay fair enough i'm a little persistent we hang out on and off six months later after she and her significant other breakup or so i was told we start seeing each other fast forward eight months and she's at my place six seven days a week has taken over half my condo with her stuff we commute to work together i'm having supper with her parents always hanging out with her sisters and their boyfriends she's always over at my parents things are going really well i was crazy about her part of the family and all that good stuff about a week before christmas she sits me down and basically says that she never really broke up with her boyfriend he was just out west he was coming home and we were over she was just seeing me on the side and quite frankly didn't understand why i wasn't seeing someone else at the same time seeing how we weren't all that serious excuse me what well how low can you go that's just pure evil at least you're not with her i had a guy take me to a beer and christ thing he was you catholic and thought i could benefit from letting christ into my cold cold cold jewish heart so i go i'm open-minded i'm only half jewish and have always been interested in other religions it was going okay until the priest the speaker of the night told us a hypothetical tale of our brother who is paralyzed we have the ability to cure him with stem cells he will walk as soon as the transaction is complete comma how many of you here would purchase these stem cells and allow your brother to walk again my hand shoots up i look around the room nothing no hands i then notice everybody staring at me including my date and the priest i was blessed out like nobody's business and was told i was an embarrassment to my date good times not sure how long ago this was for you if it was recently you could have pointed out to everyone there that stem cell research and treatment no longer requires the use of fetal stem cells and in fact can be done with stem cells from an adult then ask the priest and everyone present who wouldn't donate their own stem cells to save their brother science is pretty awesome on my first date with a guy off an internet dating site he took us to the scientology museum in london i thought harm original easy to find things to talk about laugh at the craziness of this could be fun then he proceeded to read every single piece of writing on every single exhibit ask the attendant very probing questions about how one goes about joining scientology etc etc and sounding slightly too interested to just be intrigued about a religion also he was visibly sweating once we were done there we went for a glass of wine and he told me he used to shoot h i was out of there like a shot when i was young and stupid i dated a guy with a temper he would get mad about something stupid like saying goodbye too quickly on the phone pick a fight and we'd break up he would call a day or two later and we would make up after a few months i had figured out the cycle and i was fed up so when he picked a fight as usual i ended it and then didn't take him back while we were dating i had become close with his sisters and his mom loved me we had scheduled a girl's lunch and his sister begged me to go i finally said yes and went everything was fine and i had a great time the whole lunch was probably two hours long at the end i walked to their car with them and the mom grabbed me and said hear him out of the car comes her son wtf who was trying to explain to me why we should be together i just walked past him to my car as he ran after me he ended up picking a fight with me because it was my fault we broke up and i didn't even call him so he could fix it then he threw rocks at my car as i drove away i wish i had a picture of what my face looked like when he came out of that car i never spoke to him again and never accepted another invitation from his family sounds like his family didn't realize how crazy he was he probably treated his mom and sisters as badly as he treated you oh no that would be so hilarious if i wouldn't feel bad for you the only freaked up moment was when my date was on the phone for quite a while talking to her friends that i didn't know it was quite boring obviously it even got to the point that the old lady who had coffee next to our table in the restaurant told me that back in her day the guys would have not accepted that behavior from their dates not that i want to relive the old days but i heeded her advice dang that old lady just called you a bee i'm sure this has happened to everyone who has dated online i met a guy online who seemed really nice we exchanged a few emails and got along well enough so we decided to meet up for a matinee we exchanged pics so that we could hit each other at the theater where we were meeting i show up expecting to see the heavyset dude around my age because that's what his profile and pic said instead he was about 20 years older and 100 pounds heavier than his picture i am a fairly open-minded person when it comes to dating and i know that men are folks embellish but come on we watched our movie in silence and politely parted ways i thought you were meeting up for a manatee and was like whoa what a cool date there's been a few but the absolute worst was the woman who turned up to the pub with literally no money expecting me to buy her drinks and dinner i wouldn't have minded if she'd have told me beforehand but this was completely out of the blue so anyway we sat there making awkward conversation or at least i tried to start a conversation told her about my life asked her questions she was too busy texting and phoning her friends to really take notice so eventually we did get talking and then out of nowhere she told me that she killed her dog not accidentally either i just upped and left and avoided all contact that was two years ago jenny how do i get out of this lol tell him you killed a dog lol at one not really a date though a few years back in high school socially awkward lanky weird english guy called eric we were friends in the same group and in the same maths class he had the hots for me for a while he kept hinting at dating and seeing a movie all my guy friends asked me to give him a chance he's not that bad blah blah i decided not to date him but to try and be more accepting of him even though he kinda gave me the creeps and hopefully if we were just friends he would get the message and leave me alone in the creepy sense i invited him around to my place for video games and a few rounds of pool however i made sure my dad was home as derek didn't make me feel all that comfortable for some reason anyway we take turns at th ps2 and head down to the garage for a few rounds of pool i whip his butt at pool and he realizes he needs to get home i see him to the door and say goodbyes and we have a brief hug as i pulled away from the hug he grabbed me by the wrists quite hard derek please recharge you all please kiss me me dude what are you doing let me go derek holding my wrists tighter and now hurting me please please i've never been kissed please me wtf derek let me go by this point he's trying to bring me closer to him and puckering up for a kiss still keeping a really strong and painful grip on my wrists i'm squirming trying to get away from him he was really strong though me let the frick go or i am calling down my dad derek you wouldn't dare please just kiss me me darad come here i swear i've never seen a boy move faster out of the door than derrick did then my dad chased him down he rode calling him every name under the sun last i heard about him he had been done for physical assault this is the point where you don't feel bad for kicking a guy in the balls so i went on a couple dates with this girl and she was giving me some signs that she was ready to get a little physical so arlene and close and try to kiss her and she turns her face away from me stunned i end up going home and thinking it was over between us later on she contacts me and starts hinting we should go out again i decide to go for it again after getting some heavy hints and she pushes me away so now i just ask what's going on she says i am on dates with you so i don't feel like i'm undeservable but i'm not attracted to you she called me the next day and i told her i'm not dating people who make me feel undeservable then hang up [Music] you may have just solved one of the biggest mysteries of my life i am going to assume i was once in the same situation as you in college this guy from one of my classes asked me to go out with him out of the blue we'd never even talked before but he was pretty cute so i said sure we exchanged numbers and he said he'd call me with details he called the next day and told me we were going to a restaurant that was way out of my price range we're talking like no way will this bill will be under 100 i tried talking him out of it and when that didn't work flat out saying i couldn't afford something like that but he insists and tells me not to worry this all really should have been a clue to me so i say fine and agree to go we get to the restaurant and the waiter comes over and i go to order the cheapest thing on the menu when he stops me and says ignore her we're both having the steak but i don't like steak she's just saying that because she's poor we'll have steak and she's the waiter away i'm mortified and pee and want to leave but he was my right he tries to make conversation and just proves to me that he really isn't but then he says he has to go to the bathroom and leaves i'm sitting there for a good 10 minutes before he text me hahaha i got the shoots from drinking last night don't eat without me that while the last straw i call the waiter over pay for my meal and go to the starbucks down the street to call my friend to pick me up tl dr guy was trying to impress me and was the world's biggest but i paid for just my meal not his and i'm well aware i didn't know him anything i just wanted to make a clean break from this guy wtf the guy sounds like he's 12. a girl i had just met asked me out she wanted to take me to dinner we end up at this little italian place she says she knows someone that works there when our waiter arrives he appears visibly shaken stuttering she introduces me to him this is her friend she mentioned before i can see it right away this guy has a thing for her and here she is introducing him to her date she then bugs him for special orders and asks if we can get our meals free he really seems upset it gives her the anything for you look and agrees i decline and pay for my own meal i felt really bad for this guy i could just see his torment at watching this girl date someone else she was very attractive and very friendly i assumed he just got friendzoned i hung out with her a few more times but backed off of the romantic part then i found out that the guy from the restaurant was her ex-boyfriend who she had just dumped a few days before and had been dating since high school this was two three years after i graduated tl dr girl tried to get her recent xbf to serve me free food i was already cringing before i got to the bit about being an ex-boyfriend my god that's just so i'm working at borders this was around the time that it had just gone into voluntary administration in australia and i'm chatting to a customer for a bit about how i am trying to find work as a freelance graphic designer while finishing up uni she mentions to me that she might have some work for me i give her my card and think i've totally found a new client she invites me to a local coffee shop to chat and i'm really excited about some prospective work during our coffee chat she asks me what i do okay she must have forgotten i thought i told her i do graphic design and she goes ooh cool i used to do graphic design too but i don't need to do that anymore this is where i think hang on why is she even talking to me so she pretty much was trying to recruit me to pretty much become her lucky and sign up for a pyramid scheme where i can sell vitamins and whatnot get people i know to work for me and earn even more money and get cool crap like holidays and loads of money and gift cards and clothes and everything but she just would not stop selling it to me i regret giving her my card i got a text from her the other day saying that we should catch up yeah number so pretty much this friend of yours seems to be milking every single acquaintance he knows acquaintances are good because they are not close friends but they are still connections this lady i met seemed to wave to a lot of people so i'm assuming she had tried to poach them from their monotonous retail jobs as well honestly the best thing to do is just ignore his texts and emails and whatnot works a charm a few years ago my wife and i were invited over to a friend's house for drinks he fortunately decided to warn me a day or two before the event that it wasn't just for drinks but wouldn't say what it was we knew he dabbled in amway so we figured we were in for the sales pitch it was also supposed to be a group gathering of 10-12 people and we thought we could sneak into the back make an appearance and leave as if we were the targets we were the only invitees so we arrived two hours late and the amway people were all sitting on the couch just waiting for us we had to sit through the entire presentation pretend to be interested and pretend not to notice that the woman presenting was a complete psycho she kept saying that she was right at the top of the organization pulling in the big box and she is only doing this presentation as a favor to james to get his business started we finally managed to leave without committing to anything james called me later and told me he was dating the woman and she insisted he let her give a presentation it all ended well when they were at a restaurant a few months later got into a fight and she stabbed him in the arm with a fork that was the end of amway unfortunately i doubt that that was truly the end of amway although i love the thought so anyway she stabs him and then amway caught fire back in high school there was a very beautiful girl named melissa in a few of my classes this was the mid to late 90s and pregnant teenagers weren't as common as they are now so i think it added to her mystique that she had a child it never bothered me though i just thought she was the most beautiful woman i had ever seen so any chance i got to be around her i took it she needed a tutor check someone to talk to check i never had the guts to ask her out though i wasn't much of a looker myself in high school so it took me a pretty darn long time to do it finally i did and she said yes i can't remember how it went down but i think we decided that i'd pick the restaurant she'd pick something else to do so she shows up with her sister that should have been my cue to no pit back inside my house but i didn't because i was an idiot we went to eat and then she said she had a surprise for me that she thought i'd really enjoy i was excited did she really plan something we pull up to a small convention center and start to head in i'm already starting to wtf it when we make our way towards one of the rooms and there it is clear as day on a sign out front of the door amway i cannot describe my internal anguish and feelings of absolute failed during the lecture in the meet up afterwards they didn't even sit with me we'd arrived late and they moved to open seats on one side while i sat on the other i barely remember how i answered the inundation of amway people's questions but somehow i made it through the evening i remember never even seeing melissa or her sister during this time and as we finally met up to go home i was utterly destroyed we got home she looks me dead in the eyes and tells me that she had a really nice time tonight i echoed the sentiment told her sister it was nice to meet her and went inside never even looked at melissa again so my friend scored a date with a girl he'd had a crush on for years a super hot crush with a strict and religious family he tells me he needs me to come on a double date because she will only go out with him if her cousin can come along well off we go and her cousin is surprisingly hot too this favor seems to be working out in my favor the plan is to start with an irish picnic on the private beach we sat on benches and drank a beer my date has one beer and starts to act odd she tells me i'm so good looking she's whispering and giggling with her cousin then another group shows up and we all start chatting somehow she offers to give one of the guys there a ride home as we're leaving to go do whatever was next she pulls him into the back seat and her cousin sits next to her for some reason the sun has gone down and this guy only lives five minutes away we're driving for like a minute when my buddy leans over and whispers dude she's blowing that guy i look back as a streetlight lights them up oh yes she is to be clear we are all in the same car now we drop off bj guy who is like thanks guys and this is where the night gets worse my buddy says i need you to just come with us to eat i'm sorry but i'll pay he's super intense about it but also i'm starting to laugh about this blatant sluttiness and his day just looks so embarrassed so i grudgingly say fine we're driving like five minutes again and this girl is still trying to talk to me from the back seat then she leans forward and starts to kiss my neck i pull away and tell her to stop this happens maybe 10 more times and her cousin is restraining her and is mortified i'm leaning forward in my seat to get away from crazy okay she is too crazy for a restaurant so my buddy decides to do a nearby local cheesesteak place that is pretty popular we get inside and my friend starts laughing at me he tells me to check my neck in the mirror yes i somehow have a crazy s hickey i don't even have time to lose my crap on this girl when she hops over the counter and starts yelling an order into the microphone at the register we'll have fries we dragged her back out to the car and sat her in the back seat i stood guard from outside the car so she couldn't blow any passerby or anything while my friend had a dinner date the whole time the crazy girl was begging me to please please f her and trying to climb out i though less of her cousin for leaving her but she said she needed to wait for her to sober up or whatever before they could go home that took about two more hours of annoying i actually saw her the next day and she couldn't look anyone in the eyes or talk to us there was no second date for anyone tl dr girl had one beer and went crazy blew another guy on my date try not to suck any dong on your way to the parking lot i remember a hot little gal in college who agreed to go out with me she said she had a surprise for me christian revival meeting i was on the bus once watching a conversation like this take place and it ended with dude who was unlikely to get ladies all right who else is going hot christian girl um well jesus will be there met a girl on a cupid i take her out to dinner she seems a little odd but overall nice and the conversation is going well we both like video games so i invite her over to my place after dinner for some xbox action she proceeds to drink all my liquor and take all my leftover hydrocodine from a work injury i had suffered a few months prior she starts unplugging all my crap and calling me names like brian and todd and saying how she doesn't like it when people hit her i tell her i'm taking her home and have to physically drag her to my car with her kicking and screaming the whole way there she then try to get out of my car while we are on the highway but thankfully i had the sense to lock the doors and she was too fricked up to realize it she gets pee and starts hitting me while i'm driving on the highway i finally get her home get her through her front door and leave on my way back to my car her freaking iphone hits me in the back of the head i drive home bleeding from my head she calls me the next day from a number i don't recognize asking how our date went and if i knew where her phone was i laugh and hang up you gotta be kidding there's a whole movie in that paragraph setting blind date at a sushi restaurant i was 24 he was 19. we already had nothing to talk about so i told him this story i had gone to the local gamestop for the sole reason to talk to the guy behind the counter i got in line had some small talk and as i was getting my receipt i asked him hey are you seeing anyone his reply me i'm gay i was mortified that my gator failed me so i just gave him a high five and left i was still shocked and cried in my car about five minutes after i finished that story i look over to the eight-person group beside us i caught the eye of the very same gay guy i hit on at the messtop we waved to each other he was with his boyfriend whoa at least you know he was actually gay and not using that as an excuse to turn you down he a guy i was totally into moved pretty far away we were interested in each other though spoke a lot and eventually he decided to visit me for a weekend i imagined romantic things happening he wanted to go wallpaper shopping and so it was that our first date was in the home furnishings department of john lewis he got lots of very ugly samples then we went to habitat where he looked at lamps and said the word are very loudly within five years we were married met a guy from a dating site guy in the photo sort of looked like kevin smith i get to the restaurant and order a drink i told the waiter i was meeting a blind date so make it strong one guy i mean looks like mo from the three stooges but much thinner same haircut and all he proceeded to tell me that he lost all of the weight due to medical issues i did not press further because we were having dinner drinks he worked at a gaming store so he took off his over shirt and was wearing a severely stained white undershirt we are talking yellow pits to the max here while talking about art i notice that he keeps scratching his upper arm under the shirt sleeve he asks if i want to see his tattoo i say okay and when he lifts the sleeve there is a cross tattoo but his arm is covered in acne which is what he was scratching picking at we are at a tex-mex place i order another drink and he orders a meal he tells the waiter several times that he doesn't want tomatoes meal comes and while talking he is using one of his two long fingernails to scratch the inside of his nose he proceeds to clean the underside of his nail on the stack of napkins in the center of the table so his boogies are there for all to see when i think i have enough liquid courage to run the waiter comes by and date guy flips on him because he found a tomato in his conqueso dip he proceeds to say very loudly i cannot have tomatoes dude because i have irritable bowel syndrome i wanted to die everyone was staring at us he excused himself to the bathroom shortly after and the waiter came flying over and said hey if you need to split don't worry me and the girls will cover your drinks i was so grateful but i didn't want to be mean so i waited the waiter brings the check and mo after patting his pants several times says oh crap i forgot my wallet let me borrow your cell and i will call my mom and tell her to grab it off my dresser and bring it i don't think i ever paid a check fast enough in my life after a day he emailed asking when we could go out again i told him i couldn't and i didn't feel like we clicked he called me shallow lol one of the people i dated took me to her parents house for our first date wherein i listened to her dad talk for an hour about this deer that he was so inept at killing it took four bullets to finally put down it's times like those i wish i had a jet pack i was on a date with a girl that revealed that she was a satanist and i'm pretty sure she had sacrificed a goat what's the worst date you have ever been on reddit had a first date where we went to a couple of parks we were both poor college students at the last park we are walking back from the trail and we see some cops walking towards us they stop us and ask if i was the owner of a grey pontiac which i was so they immediately separate us i am understandably confused the one cop who looked very p off the whole time looks at my date and says mom is there a problem here seems someone had called the cops on us saying i was in the car beating her on the way to the park holy crap my life flashed before me i thought i was being set up thankfully it was not so and she informed the cops that i had not hit her the cop gave a quick speech about the importance of reporting domestic violence and shot me a look that said i better not ever see you in a dark alley and left us tldr first date got interrogated by the police about possibly abusing my date i didn't i had a date with a single girl named diane that's the story above things didn't work out with us but she thought i was a nice guy so she introduced me to her best friend kim kim and i ended up dating for two years then ended up getting married diane in the meantime meets sean and marries him kim and diane were still best friends 10 years after kim and i married kim had an affair with sean which was diane's husband diane being the girl in the date mine was the date with this person who spent the entire day telling me while we were in a crowded mexican restaurant first how much he hated his wife but wouldn't divorce her because he hated her so much that he didn't want her to have anything he had followed by the detailed story of her suicide yikes i had a great date i met on match.com and i was walking her home at the end of the night and suddenly she started to run away i started to chase after her and asked her what happened and she just said police i have a warrant out for me well when i found out she had a warrant i kept running but a different direction than she went i eventually got caught by the cops and i had to spend a good 20 minutes explaining to them the situation and how i was in no way involved in her cracksy dealing ring thug life for real you should have given trinity more of a chance you never know you could have been the one i hate you out on a first date we're talking about mutual friends neighbors family etc and lots of the names are familiar long story short i discovered that she was my second cousin yay rural kentucky my first attempt at online dating led me to what was a strange courtship when we finally met up one night she told me she had fantasies about me violating her and do doing on her chest i hope she has found a life mate that guy needs to be off the streets not my story but my wife's she was dating me at the time and i'm asian her aunt set her up on a date with a good southern white baptist boy who was apparently a lot better than me she goes because she didn't realize it was supposed to be a date they went to a halloween event at a theme park when my wife arrived she was shocked to find out that she was actually on a date but couldn't leave because he was her right turns out the good ol lay boy was more of a man and by a man i mean 15 years her senior she was around 19 at the time he was also an ex-con and a coke dealer user all this was better than me of course my wife spent the entire night not just being terrified of the haunted houses and actors in costume and makeup but being even more afraid of the dude who wouldn't let go of her hand even though she kept insisting she had a boyfriend the night ends with the dude's parents picking them up he wasn't allowed a driver's license because of something having to do with his drug probation and him trying to make out with her in the car my wife moved out of her aunt's house within days moved to my city instead we had been a couple of hours apart and we've lived happily ever after tl dr wife was set up on blind date with a former coke head row a happy ending on date sitting at bar when my date informs me that she was a witch and that she had made her last boyfriend love her by casting a spell on him she was even nice enough to tell me how the spell works she took a vial of her period blood and poured it into his wine and tricked him into drinking it now he's mine forever she told me she went on to say that it turned out she didn't really love him but because of her spell he would love her forever she claimed he was still desperately in love with her even though she had dumped him she was a within a bee i hope you didn't drink any wine that night this weekend actually got invited to her party as a second date girl met me at the door and walked me to where the band was playing she then walked away with some guy i didn't see her for a good hour before i decided to leave turns out he had some coke and she freaked him to score some guess he did me a favor i hard time words use you never told us who midori is two years into college i ran into a former high school acquaintance charlie whose dad was my sixth grade world history teacher i was single at the time and always thought that charlie was a nice guy so i was happy to give him my phone number and pleased when i got a call back from him later that week charlie called to ask if i'd like to join him for a night at a comedy club with some of his friends sounded great to me i didn't know him well enough to feel excited about a one-on-one date so i show up to the comedy club my sister dropped me off and was going to pick me up afterwards we were sharing a car at a time and walk in to meet his friends turns out his friends consisted of one of his classmates and his aunt uncle mom and dad i am awkwardly shocked but played cool and say hi to my old sixth grade teacher then his mom informed me that they had heard so much about me even though i'd only run into charlie a few days ago then she informed me that it was actually charlie's birthday mother of god somewhere in the back of my head i was hearing a little voice urging me to abort mission then the routine started some puppeteer comic musician it was not music and it was definitely not comical but there were a lot of puppets one of them was whitner houston's face bashing into a pile of chalk dusters i will always love you played faster and faster somehow this turned into a lot of very graphic jokes about black guy dongs none of charlie's family was laughing but he was totally losing it and doing that thing where you look at the people there with you to see if they are sharing in this awesome laugh opportunity i pretended to have diarrhoea went into the bathroom and asked the first woman to enter the bathroom if i could use her cell phone to get my sister to come back i came back to the table very chagrined telling him that i was not well at all and had to leave tl dr friendly date was actually a birthday party with my history teacher and black dong jokes and puppets i once went on a date with a jehovah's witness drug dealer in my defense i didn't know she was a jehovah's witness at the time and to be fair i didn't know she was a drug dealer either next time i see those guys i'll ask them if they sell drugs if it was a satanic sacrifice they would have not eaten it i have hispanics in my neighborhood that raise goats for meat they goats are pretty cheap and eat almost anything yay a lot of cultures eat goat so this is kind of the opposite so i was on a date with a girlfriend a few years ago i'm by a wide margin not the smoothest guy and generally i am terrible at talking to women but that has worked to my benefit because i have learned a great deal from repeated failures so my girl and i are sitting in olive garden and we were pretty much at that stage of dating where you can completely relax and just be yourself i look over and see these two kids they couldn't be older than 15 on what is clearly their first date ever the dude was wearing an obviously iron dress shirt and tie and the girl is comparably dressed i'm watching these two for probably a half an hour and the guy is sweating bullets and the girl is so nervous her hands are trembling it really was adorable at one point neither of them spoke for 15 minutes and they just kept looking around the restaurant without making eye contact with one another so the girl gets up to use the restroom and i jump at the chance i wait until she is clearly out of sight and walk over and sit in her seat the kid looks terrified i'm a nice guy but i'm six feet two inches with a shaved head beard and muscular build so this happens i look the kid straight in the eye first date the kid nods yes dude listen i've been where you are and you are failing at this if she likes you or she wouldn't be here with you and she is as nervous as you are if you chill out and relax so will she take a second breath and when she comes back talk to her about stuff she likes and you'll be golden i stand up and walk back over to my table the girl comes back and sits down and it was like a light bulb had lit up above the kids face he was super smooth and chill the whole rest of the evening at one point both of them laughing so hard the girl had to wipe tears from her eyes i once had fricked a vhs of toy soldiers lost my virginity to the winter olympics that theme music 5 30 we meet at 50s diner next to my work 5 35 she orders a milkshake 5 37 she asks me about jesus in my life 5 39 maybe you need to read the freaking bible 542 if gandhi did not accept the lord jesus christ as our one and only savior then he is burning in heck and so will you but the lord can still save you 5 44 i put 10 on the table and simply walked out of the door what are you just going to leave me here good thing you found out right away and didn't waste more time i signed up for internet access way back in 1995 when i was going to college and asked some guy to install a way to chat and meet people in the area on my computer i was newish to computers at the time he installed an ike client and i found a girl who sounded great blonde hair blue eyes five feet six and goes to the school i went to even the coffee shop i stopped but on my way to classes we chatted for a few days until we decided to finally meet fast forward a couple of days met her at 11a at the coffee shop and she had fangs literally her canine teeth had implants and were filed down as fangs she said she was a vampire and she thought we spoke about that during one of our conversations number no we didn't no joke i logged off of ike disconnected my internet service and didn't sign up again for another three years three years without internet what comma stop fricking it's time for dinner i think i will announce all dinners like this and end the meal with stop dining it's time to freak my bad dates are quite legendary among my friends here's a little taste i went out with this one guy and it seemed to be going all right nothing really screamed crazy we went bowling first shhh i love it then went out for dinner during dinner he starts talking about his sister's stag and dough that had been the weekend before but it was a pig roast long story short the guy who was supposed to cook the pig couldn't so this guy stepped in to help his sister out after the pig roast him and some friends went back to clean up which meant getting rid of the pig he then began describing to me in vivid detail how they had ripped the pig's carcass apart pulled its spine out ripped its face off and wore it like a mask i'm sitting there absolutely horrified i'm a huge animal lover i repeatedly told him to stop but he was laughing and thought i was joking he then pulled out his phone and wanted to show me pictures i actually had to raise my voice for him to realize i seriously didn't want to see pictures of him and his friends wearing a dead pig's face like a mask over dinner we did not go out a second time then there was the vehicular manslaughter guy go on i went out with a guy who while we were walking downtown would stop at every building and give me the historical background of each building in a different accent then when it came time to cross the street he did some ballet leaps all the way across he also asked me about all of my classes in detail when i had never told him which classes i was taking sounds like ted from him hum my first date ever i went for a blind date downtown at the time i lived in the suburbs so it was an hour by public transit we met up at a thai restaurant and ended up ordering the same dish the food was spicy and all the heat came from one pepper per dish we dead each other to eat our pepper he spat it out i didn't i took three trips to the washroom within the next hour and drank a lot of milk provided by the restaurant as a courtesy the conversation was terse i felt awkward is this how a date is supposed to go we left and since neither of us were familiar with the area we went to some nearby department store to window shop we ended up in separate parts of the store mostly because we didn't have much in common i'm thinking about how much longer this date is going to last when i feel a rumbling in my bowels i knew at that point that i had to crap immediately it wasn't something that was going to be negotiated i make a mad dash to the nearest store employee who informs me there isn't a washroom in the store the guy is nowhere in sight so i run off to a place next door where they reluctantly let me use their basement toilet too late i crap my pants on the way down i spend the next hour cleaning up in the washroom with an ungodly amount of toilet paper there's no cell service so i can't call the guy with some quick excuse by the time i get out he's long gone not that i really wanted to see him at that point i was supposed to see a friend around that time but he assumed i'd aged that's not too bad the worst part was that i had to take the subway back now commute with a mess hidden in my pants and oh god i'm sure people knew tl dr i crap my pants my date told me her plan to poison her boss i heard her out part expecting her just kidding at the end of her twisted story there was no just kidding met up with a girl from a cupid then in approximately this order discovered she was one larger than she appeared in her pictures two polyamorous this one ain't so bad i suppose but in the context of the others four a foot fetish diminished on craigslist who also responds to missed connections posts just to troll people 5. homeless i ended up buying her some cheap chinese grub and dropping her off at her friend's house to stay at and on the way there we almost managed to bond over video games and mind-altering substances almost so the average okcupid encounter then okay here's the short version of my worst date met a girl on a dating site seems to be the how most of these stories start ay on our first date she invited me to her house the house was pretty disgusting dirty and plenty of trash around she was remodeling her kitchen so i gave her a pass on it next get together was at my house i think it was our third date but maybe second anyway short story shorter we get intimate and i quickly became aware she had not bathed she was funky not like sticky sweet feminine funky but like b.o funky also the garden was completely unkempt now i'm a child of the eighties so a little garden is fine by me but seriously shave your stomach and in a thigh for pete's sake the next day i get a frantic phone call i have bugs she said bugs i replied what kind of bug slice she replied lice like upstairs or downstairs i asked up she said i'm outside your house right now and i brought supplies so she comes in with red trash bags cleaning supplies and four new pillows she proceeded to bag everything she thought she came in contact with throws out my pillows and leaves me with a bottle of red fortunately i never got lice i still keep the red under my sink as a reminder to be more careful in the future i never saw or heard from her again and that was fine by me tl dr lice freaking lice as weird and gross as that is at least she was polite or sane enough to come back and clean your crap that counts for something girl broke down and started crying in the restaurant because she abortion she secretly got when she was younger was something she always regretted all i asked her was how her day was going my worst date was with a girl who thought that islam was a country that she wanted to go to her head was so full of there that when we left the restaurant and she invited me back to hers i started to make excuses why i couldn't stay she was so persistent that in the end i lied that i was a christian and basically said that i thought that it would be inappropriate to go back to hers tl dr went on date with stupid girl and said i was a christian to avoid freaking that's hugh that's bad until i got married crazy was semi-regular for me my favorite is the month-long romance with a girl that wasn't even real i'll back up i just finished dating the craziest of the crazy we'd had quite a few incidents together and it ended with me calling her dad who called her and threatened to report her car stolen if she didn't come home and quit stalking me around town and that's not even the half of it so a month or so later i get a flower and a note on my car from a secret admirer saying she's been watching me for some time but is too shy to meet me i know it's her it has to be so i pass it off she leaves another note with an email address and i send her an email telling her i know who she is and to leave me alone she insists she isn't my ex and we go back and forth a few times about it i caught her defending my ex a few times which was the clearest giveaway a few weeks go by of me continuing to try and ignore the situation and finally she says she wants to call me to prove she isn't my ex even though she's already claimed to know her at this point i say what the heck and give her my cell number my ex already had it so what's the harm sure enough later that night i get a call from a number i don't recognize and answer even though i'm pretty sick of dealing with her crap at this point lo and behold there's a girl with a voice i don't recognize claiming to be this admirer on the other end at first i had a hard time believing it but i know my ex's voice and this definitely wasn't her the girl took ownership for all the things that happened and even answered a few suspicious questions about her alleged events she finally says she has to go because she's at work and hangs up i'm shocked i've never had anyone do anything like that for me before and i'm a romantic deep down so at this point i'm pretty entangled finally she says she wants to meet and die eagerly with heart on sleeve agree we go to a bar i usually frequent and i grab a stool at the bar and order a drink finally the bartender walks over and sets down a beer in front of me saying a young lady bought it for me i asked him to point her out and follow his index finger across the bar to a table sure enough there at the table sat my ex i told him to dump the drink down the sink and stormed over to her as angry with her as i was at myself for being so stupid the only thing that didn't make sense was the phone call so i demanded she explain she finally gave in and told me she put her roommate up to it which was pretty crushing i couldn't believe another human being would let her brief her on everything that had been going on and pretend to be this girl just to screw with me after that i left and told her if she ever talked to me again i'd get a restraining order two years back i left work for the day to find a note on my car with a phone number and some flirty words called the number just out of curiosity when the girl on the other end heard me she said she must have put the note on the wrong car wasn't a date can just relate slightly my dad's story he had been set up on a blind date by his friend as he picked up his date he noticed she was carrying a strange bag not a purse or anything normally brought on a date but a garbage bag with stuff in it he kinda shrugged it off and they got in the car and started driving during the car ride though he began to notice what was contained within those bags two baby dolls with blood smeared on them he asked her why she had brought two dolls and she just nonchalantly responded they're my children my dad instantly felt that this girl had some problem with her so he stopped at a gas station and asked her to go inside to get him cigarettes he immediately drove off abandoning her at the station with her two bloody dolls when he talked again with his friend who had set up the date his friend was like oh yay i forgot to mention she had two abortions in the past two years so now she carries around those dolls and claims they're her children i thought it was no big deal tl dr my dad went on a date and proceeded to ditch some crazy bee who carried two dolls around which symbolized her two aborted fetuses a number of years ago i met this german girl at the bar i bounced at she was kinda cute hella smart and knew more about music than almost anyone i've ever met but she says that we should hang out sometime so i mention this jazz bar that has an amazing open mic night on my night off she says yes and we make plans we meet at the appropriate time at another open mic night at another place but she barely talks to me the entire time neither of us drive so we jump a bus to a nearby restaurant to eat then she mentions a piano bar so we jump a cab over there all this time she is talking about her roommate and how she is worried that he doesn't have health insurance that's just a little strange until she talks about how she was discussing that situation with his mother warning bell kicks on hardcore turns out that her roommate is actually her fiance and she believes that she is pregnant by him she hadn't been to the doctor but a woman knows these things so we get to the jazz bar and i get drunk off my butt because i know this isn't going anywhere the music as always is great but since we're both buzzing we have a different problem the buses have stopped running so she ends up calling her fiance to pick us up as fate would have it i have a good friend who lives pretty close to them so i get to ride back to their place and then i walk over to my friends and sleep it off until the buses are running again tl dr dinner 20 drinks 20 cabs 15 finding out your date is engaged and pregnant priceless i was on a second date with a guy i met on the internet boring guy fast car he decides to evade the police while driving 120 miles per hour on the highway takes an exit and i end up in an upside down 350z which had rolled over at 90 miles per hour into a stone wall and a telephone pole over a year of physical therapy minor nerve damage will never internet date again first day of the school year i was on my way to class when this guy stopped to ask me for directions to a coffee shop on campus i gave them to him and before i could leave he asked for my number and if he could take me out for coffee sometime i said yeah sure he's kinda cute maybe it would work out no i t didn't next day we agreed to meet up in the same spot where we met he was half an hour late didn't apologize for it or give any particular reason why he was late and suggested we go for a walk i was like eight whatever so we walked along and got to know each other first thing i found out is that he's 24 i'm 18 so i was understandably a bit skeeved out he singled me out for directions because you have a really really nice figure but mostly up top the terrible thing about this date was that the entire time we were talking he would put in super subtle comments like oh look all the couples around us are going at it i think it's a sign can i touch your boobs i've never seen ones that big before are you usually a fan of bold guys what's your normal type how many guys have you freaked do you like direct approaches i think we should go to your place and watch a movie he lived with his parents apparently his parents apparently his parents it was awkward and creepy and when i said that i wasn't into that on the first date and especially with him he got all offended and called me a prude stuck up and other derogatory things it felt like the more uncomfortable i was the more he enjoyed talking whenever i refused to answer a question he would ask me either because it was way too personal for a first date or it was something just plain rude he would go off on a tangent about his adult experience while gently caressing my shoulder we ended up sitting on a park bench together which was great because i could stare straight ahead of me as i fielded off his advances instead of having to look him in the eyes tbh i think i mostly stuck it out because i knew it would be a funny story to tell afterwards but i hit boiling point when he interrupted me in the middle of a conversation to say did you know that you have a small lisp when you talk i politely excused myself and power walked my butt out of there also afterwards he texted me a novel saying that he was sorry if he offended me but we're just looking for different things and then he sent another text clarifying that he meant he was sorry for emmy because i'd be missing out there's more inappropriate crap he said did during the date but typing it out would legit make me go over the character limit i don't know how old you are now compared to your story but there are a lot of guys out there like that sorry props to you for getting away from that one best of luck in the future too colon i got tricked into one date not entirely true of course as you said you'd be open to anyone who wanted to meet up with you true fixed i once talked to a girl online for some time she was really smart quirky funny and pretty cute i enjoyed the conversation and thought i was in for a treat when i saw her for the first time i learned she had no arms and that was a bit of a surprise i didn't know how to react i went on a date once with a guy who intended to study mortuary science he asked me how i'd feel about taking a cold bath before freaking and then staying very still throughout i couldn't get out of that car fast enough goat is a very common meat bro it's the only meat that isn't ostracized by any one specific religion but the dad did know you were coming that's why the little brother was there he was pretty sketched that his daughter was meeting some stranger from online and decided that if anything happened the little brother could pedal fast back home in time for daddy to grab the gun hence why he was in the door ostracized is not a word but it does sound like what happens when you join a neo-nazi group ostracized i met a girl when i was in college i really only knew her name and had said hi to her a few times so i never technically met her anyway a little while after we both graduated she added me on the myspace she had a bunch of pics of her posing in lingerie and bathing suits and she was pretty good looking a black girl which i was kind of into at the time so through some messages on myspace we exchange numbers and agree to hang out this girl is originally from hawaii and is moving back in a few weeks i know now that she just wants to bang otherwise why hang out with me so i invite her to my house and she agrees she has no car so i pick her up and we get to talking on the ride back she proceeds to tell me how i couldn't come to her house because the last time she had a guy there her grandmother caught her date fricking her from behind and made the guy feel uncomfortable so we get to my house order a pizza and put a movie in we kissed a little and she stops and asks me what the name of the town was i lived in i told her and she said oh yay i've been out here before i went on a date with a guy who fricked me bent over his couch and recorded it it might be on the internet ugh she then proceeds to tell me how she has two daughters sisters in hawaii because her father debauched her and she birthed two girls from him she said everyone thinks they are her sisters because she was only about 13 when this started happening she told me a bunch of other stories like how she had a guy cm all over her butthole and then shove his dong in and use the cm as lubricant then while i was taking her home obviously i backed out of freaking her she kept telling me how wet her pee was and that she was probably going to leave a stain on the seat i have never been more scared for my dong in my entire life frick that good application of the old adage don't stick your dong in crazy i invited a nice looking boy to my house to meet my parents i was pretty serious he was a very nice guy as he was really nice to my soft and the head younger brother people usually don't even give him the time of day but i knew this particular person was a nice person because he seemed particularly aware of my brother i live in a remote part of the woods as my family is very poor and they are rather religious people trading commodity for scenery so i brought him up to my room thinking we would probably get it on but he was rather shy and kept looking at all the walls in my room which was odd since there really wasn't anything in them my mother invited him to dinner but he declined even though we brought out our best goat he seemed reluctant to partake anyway what was really awkward was when we dropped him off to the bus stop and he said kept giving me glances so i knew he was into me but once on the bus he said you will never see me again i found that to be very awkward as i have been remotely watching over him by ritual and still do in fact from time to time tl doctor invited a stranger to my home invited him to dinner expected to get laid but he left on a sour note without any explanation i can't believe it took me until the goat to realize what this was a couple years ago i met a guy on my senior class boat cruise it's like a semi-formal prom on a boat he was from another school as our senior class was sharing the boat with a few other local schools he was nice smart tall and generally attractive we talked for a while and then exchanged numbers in a couple weeks we agreed to meet up i had to drive 45 minutes to his house because his parents wouldn't let him drive a car when i arrived he had shaved his head and was much thinner than i remembered i'm not fat but i prefer my men bigger than me and this kid was really scrawny after several awkward hours watching movies i asked if he wanted to get something to eat the only place he wanted to go was mcdonald's when we got there he had forgotten his wallet and i had to pay we ate an awkward silence and then i drove us back to his house when we got there i figured he could redeem himself by being talented in bed i made the first move and leaned in to kiss him and within less than a minute of making out he had managed to take off every item of clothing he had on even his socks meanwhile i am still fully dressed and really creeped out i grabbed my phone and pretended to read a text from a friend who needed my help and i immediately left he never paid me back for the mcdonald's tl dr i had to drive an awkward kid and pay for mcdonald's worst date i've ever been on probably would have been some world freaking first date i'd ever been on i wasn't the most talkative guy in school but i rather fancied her so i worked up the courage to ask one day and to my surprise she said yes we were both 15 16 at the time i get a ride to her place from my mom we pick her up and head over to this restaurant in one of the classier parts of town get dropped head in make light conversation and i find out she's never been there before i'd only been there once myself for my birthday a year or two ago she asks me to order for her and i do so two stakes with the trimmings anyway things continue rather pleasantly and our food arrives we dig in and continue to talk but i notice about 15 minutes and that she's gone a little cold on me and she hasn't yet touched her steak she's picking off the veg and potatoes around the side but the steak is untouched natural reaction is that i didn't ask if she had any dietary restrictions so i apologize immediately and ask if she doesn't eat meat she says she does but wait for it i'm waiting for you to cut up my food for me apparently at the age of 15 stroke 16 she'd never once had to eat a slab of meat that wasn't first cut up for her by either her parents or whomever else she was dating at the time i was surprised but i taught her how to cut up her own food seriously girl didn't seem like she'd ever held a knife before and we dropper her off at her place in silence so thus ended my first date ever and last date with her sigh a guy asked me to go to her concert with him when i got to the venue he also brought his girlfriend with him i never replied to his messages ever since [Music] homecoming formal my junior year my first dance ever my date picks me up 30 minutes late realizes he isn't wearing a tie or appropriate shoes stops at the store steals a tie and some shoes because apparently he really felt like he was freaking the man forgets that he never made dinner reservations we end up eating a 50 meal he got steak i got a salad forgets his credit card i end up having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay for having to pay did i mention he say in front of me in two classes i got set up on a blind date to a homecoming event dance in college she was pretty cute and i was looking forward to a fun night to give you a better understanding of the situation i went to a religious college that is owned by a church so all school sponsored events are kept pretty clean including music played at events not five minutes after we had got there she starts complaining about how inappropriate the music they were playing was it was just some pop song that was popular at the time from there it just went downhill from the music they were playing at the event to how all media today is filth how her roommates were horrible people etc all within about the first hour of the date thankfully sadly i had experience in handling crazy and skillfully cut down the length of the date drastically kind of easy when she thinks everything is evil next semester i meet a new friend and find out she was one of the girls roommates and moved out crazy girl would yell at them constantly for watching tv because everything on it was evil and made her feel bad on several occasions she had turned it off while they were watching it because she didn't approve of what was on she went on to meet a guy online fly out to visit him after a week get engaged and marry him a month later the satanic bible staunchly prohibits harming animals except for food or if you're are attacked she could have been a luciferian satanists as in levi and satanists don't really worship satan they worship their own potential luciferians literally worship the devil after dating a girl for about a month she let me know that she had spent time in a mental institute two different times for trying to kill herself she did not do it because she was depressed or something like that she did it so she could enter the land of the dragons as if that was not bad enough she said that she still wanted to get there someday long story short his dog pee on me he sat across the room when watching our sip even though i was on a huge couch all by my vivacious self he took me into his room and just when i thought it was going to get hot he showed me hours of all the death metal he'd composed in finale and then he showed me the organ he had made and played like 25 plus minutes of organ for me on his homemade organ and then right before i left he told me he wasn't physically attracted to me and then his dog humped me hey i eat goat and it's delicious but i'm not a satanist in the slightest just greek what is your tinder horror story my roommate loves tinder and she's brought back numerous visitors which is fine except for the fact that the apartment is tiny and we share a room and also the fact that my roommate doesn't really care what i end up seeing and as it turns out most guys don't care about having another girl in the room either some take it as an opportunity to ask me to join my roommate is my tinder nightmare finally started seeing a girl off tinder it was going well for about two weeks and thought she was pretty cool then things started getting weird she used to always joke about killing me i thought it was okay the first few times but then it got annoying i told her to stop and she kept doing it idk if it was because she thought it was funny that it freaked me out or what anyways told me she has a shotgun in her room yikes long story short i told her i didn't want to see her anymore she didn't like that for the next three weeks she's absolutely hounding me calls me constantly shows up at my work asking for me keeps coming over to my apartment she actually knocked on my door for 30 minutes when i didn't answer she went around back and started knocking on my bedroom window got really concerned for a while but eventually she gave up i went on a date with a guy and the entire time he was talking about how men are superior and how they have been scientific studies to show that women have an emotional reaction to the color red when they see it i wonder why he was single i'm probably too late but here it goes sorry for the wall of text my first and only tinder date i started talking to a cute guy we hit it off really well we'll call him greg greg lived in a town nearly an hour away so we texted for about two weeks before we decided to meet due to schedules during this time greg consistently attempted to wow with his food knowledge i work in the fine dining restaurant industry often telling me about what meal he was cooking for him and his roommates each night after several days of talking he then asks me to come to his house so he would be able to cook for me i oblige figuring what's the worst that could happen i've talked to him several times and felt okay about the whole situation the day comes and we meet somewhere neutral and i follow him to his house all the while i'm explaining how excited he is to cook for me we arrive at his place everything is going really great he's exactly as i pictured him and his personality fits me perfect dinner time rolls around and he tells me he needs to go downstairs to begin prep i become eager and say i'd love to help he insists i stay on the couch and relax we continue to talk across rooms and i can't see what's going on in the kitchen he put something in the oven and says it will be ready in just a bit and that he made extra in case i was hungry 15 minutes late greg leaps off the couch to a timer and runs to the kitchen he brings sources first saying that they are the best part he lays ketchup ranch and barbecue sauce on the table i begin to get confused wondering what he made as he refused to tell me announcing that he wanted to keep it a secret greg returns to the kitchen to retrieve the plates he walks in and carries a turkey platter to the table i gaze into what had to be no less than three bags of frozen fries he had displayed on a turkey platter for our dinner he looks at me eagerly awaiting my reaction for me to lose it i begin uncontrollably laughing and his smile drops as i say this is great thank you assuming this was a gag meal and he had prepared dinner to follow no greg invited me to dinner to cook me his specialty frozen french fries they were delicious fries and the sauce was the best part met up with a really hot but curious girl i'm a lesbian this girl had only ever been with men and wanted to experiment with girls she was stupidly hot like hot hot we matched and we chatted for like two days i soon found out we had no common ground at all like none however she wanted to meet and me being the frisky les gremlin i am agreed just because she was hot and i could take a girl on girl virginity we agreed to meet one day picked her up and we went for drinks walked back to mine and chatted a little more over alcoholic root beer and breaking bad we started making out she took off my bra i took off hers she took my pants off i took hers off but we started kissing touching feeling she starts fingering me i can't tell straight away she is a first-timer she starts jabbing at my poor bag with her half-inch acrylics i tell her to slow down a little and be a little more gentle about it all of a sudden she bursts into tears and says she's not ready i tell her it's fine blah blah she ends up staying at my place and we cuddle for the night until i sobered up enough to drive her back home in the morning later the next day i go for a pee and realize it stings like a bee and my pee smells dreadful and is cloudy run to the doctors because i'm a casual hypochondriac and take a pee sample doctor sticks the paper in my pee and yup straight away it shows i have a ut i didn't pee after little miss bakeria scratched my insides out b gave me a ut and blue balls comma blue balls blue walls i dated someone i met from tinder for a month seemed good on paper master student yoga teacher cultured etc found out she was doing h didn't consider that a big problem i actually had to explain to her the definition of a high-functioning addict because she felt that having a job and going to school meant the h thing wasn't a problem we broke up and she went back to her junkie xbf bullet dodged edit lol all the people peeming me trying to confirm if i was simultaneously dating their own crappy gf if you find yourself wondering if i'm describing your gf you should just break up with her immediately my tinder horror story is very funny looking back the girl comes over she couldn't get there until 7 30ish i had some pizza warming in the oven just in case she was hungry for some stupid reason i put the pizza in the box to warm in the oven it was a real pizza from a pizza place she wasn't hungry so we jump right into making out clothes gets thrown we head back towards the bedroom i go into the kitchen and turn the oven off but leave the pizza in there a few minutes later i am going down on her and i hear a beeping i lift up my head and say what was that she says i think it was a truck backing up i hop up just to check in the oven without my glasses on i had accidentally missed off by an eighth of an inch and my crappy oven went to broil the beeping was telling me it was preheated i stupidly opened the oven and smoke comes billowing out then the box bursts into flames i am standing there butt butt naked and i start yelling frick frick oh crap then she comes running in totally naked as i pull the box out thinking i am going to pour water on it it was stressful i don't know what i was thinking i set it on the stove and then she hits it with a dish towel sparks and burnt crap go all over my kitchen but the box is still on fire my sink is so full of crap that i can't get the box in there she yells bathtub so i pick up a goddamn burning box and run to my bathroom over the carpet my shower mat and past the shower curtain all very flammable the entire top of the pizza box was either in flames or charred and flaking off as i ran remember we are both totally naked this whole time so imagine a naked screaming man running through his crappy apartment with a burning pizza box in his hands that was me this was a date i throw the box in the bathtub and turn the shower on she was so super cool about it she helped me clean everything up and then we got dressed and just stood outside for a while she could tell i was really freaked out and kept reassuring me all was well then we went back in and i went down on her again then we had sex we still hang out often and have a lot of fun together i still have burn marks in my bathtub and on my bathroom door como i stupidly opened the oven and smoke comes billowing out then the box bursts into flames to extinguish an oven fire just close the oven door and turn off the oven the inside of the oven can easily handle any flames in the oven door staying closed deprives the fire of the oxygen that needs to keep burning i had been on a couple of dates with this girl that i met on tinder and learned that she was really into the rockabilly scene i found out that a local nightclub was hosting a rockabilly themed night and so i took her she had dressed to the nines and we were having a great time in the club suddenly this guy accidentally tipped a drink on her 50s style dress the guy apologized profusely she storms over to grab her coat and bag and on the way out she just punches the guy in the face everyone in the club was shocked i took her outside and told her she couldn't react like that and that's when she took her heel off and hit me square in the face for siding with the guy blood everywhere i never answered her calls after that oh and she used to be a stripper and kangaroo this adds nothing to the story but i just like telling people pew pew i met this guy on tinder and we had a couple really fun dates i was pretty into him so on our third date i decided i wanted to have sex with him he took me out for a really nice date and then he invited me back to his place for a glass of wine one thing led to another and we started making out on his couch fully clothed but this lasted forever i was ready to go if you know what i mean i didn't want to make out the whole night so i decided to take matters into my own hands and i took off all of my clothes then he sits up still fully clothed and looks at me and says i can't have sex with you i have a std possibly most awkward moment of my life i tried to be super nice about it but i promptly got dressed and left and as many of my friends have pointed out i am extremely grateful that he told me that's really big of him nothing but props to that dude and root to the worst date ever this guy texted me from the burrito place we were meeting to tell me he'd already ordered me the salad i repeat salad at a burrito place also was this the past was i now incapable of placing my own food order anyway after arriving with my salad ready beside his plate of tacos he spent the next half an hour telling me about his model ex-girlfriend and how passionate their breakup sex had been last weekend the final straw was even after telling him i wasn't a big fan of smoking he literally asked a stranger for cigarettes and then chain smoked them beside me way way way late to the party apparently but i feel obliged to share my best friend's story he you philosophy i think was his username died recently at age 23 from a massive seizure in his sleep but he loved to tell this story so i'll tell it here so at least if i ever forget it i know at least i can find it so this philosopher is a shy guy timid a bit neurotic dates are hard to come by for him but when he's on them he's nice and charming and fairly handsome i'll give him that so he doesn't do too bad once he's got a shot anyway all the slabs are on tinder at this stage and we all have the philosophy always swipe whichever way is yes so you get maximum matches and take it from there now there is this one girl who looks a bit rough a bit unkept i'll say in her description read i love giving bj's now was a very compassionate guy and talked to literally everyone he matched with and gave everyone at least one date he didn't match with many but bless him he dated them all including his gf up until his death may she never read this full stop he travels on a train to date this girl at her house he recounted that from being picked up at the train station the car was full of litter the football was ninety percent litter ten percent his feet and the woman from the photo she had aged not too kindly either and the house was run down dirty every room doubling as a bedroom for some cava dweller from that part of town my memory gets a little hazy here but she asks him if he'd like to he says he would and he has some chamomile in his words the one clean thing i had in this house was a tea cup and a chamomile tea after a while of small talk and awkward experience she asked him if he wanted a [ __ ] assuring him she was really good at these he finds a spot on the bed among the rubbish cup of chamomile in hand his only refuge of cleanliness as the constant background dripping is drowned out by excessive slurping off his half-mast he cuddles his warm tea thinking only of home man the way he described it was a very funny and less like he's repulsed oh crap my time to shine now i swear all is true this girl i've been sweet talking for a few weeks and i finally set up a date to meet up and go out to this nice restaurant and have dinner the night comes and she asks me to pick her up because her car is in the shop i head over to the address and it's this confusing apartment complex but quickly find her outside her building but she asked me to meet her family so i go and meet her mother who is the sweetest woman ever and her father who was quiet but kind after we leave she immediately turns to me and says can we pick up my cousin i'm shocked but say sure i didn't really question it we head to a really sketchy neighborhood in san jose and pick up this super skinny tatted up white guy and he asked who the frick i am and i was about to say her date but she cuts me off and says oh just a friend don't worry about him and he says all right babe he then guides me to cities over to this crappy house where this really nicely dressed asian guy meets us outside and takes us into the garage where a cracked out skinny mexican guy and pregnant white chicken sits us down in between then and asked our poison my date said weed along with the mexican guy and the cousin the pregnant chick says i'm fine weed is bad for the baby and then pulls out a crack pipe and starts smoking something the asian guy said pay up and everyone looks towards me and i said all right and pulled 60 out of my wallet and asked if that's enough and the asian guy said it's fine he leaves the garage taking my get the guest soda and comes back 10 awkward minutes later and stoned with nothing saying sorry guys i'm out of weed but my dealer is on his way 20 minutes later he shows up screaming and throwing weed at the mexican guy and just leaving then the asian guy asked if anyone had a pipe and i said i did and they all got happy and i went outside to my car and drive off because i'm pretty sure i would have died that night i had been talking to this girl on tinder for a while and we decided we wanted to smash the problem is i had asked my roommate if i could of the room later apparently unlike the rest of the animals you people seem to have as roommates so when i went to sign this girl in we have a proctor in the lobby at my university's dorms my roommate and several other friends of mine placed a bluetooth speaker in my room and hid in the hallway waiting for me to get back i didn't see them and things started to get hot and heavy when let's get it on started playing from somewhere in the room i started searching and after five minutes while the song i just had sex was finishing playing i found the bluetooth speaker under my roommate's bed behind his dresser yes i had to move both of them i found the power button but not before the wonderful sound of hardcore pornography filled the room but the two of us decided to call it so we threw on some clothes i walked her past all six of the bastards i never saw her again come up unlike the rest of the animals you people seem to have as roommates comma my roommate and several other friends of mine placed a bluetooth speaker in my room and hid in the hallway met this girl on tinder invited her into bed she accepts comes over we have fantastic sex a lot same thing the next night thing is she's moving to montana in a few weeks for a job a cook position in a national park she invites me out there i look into the job and eventually gets it we decide to start dating met twice known her for a month i'm an idiot to keep it exclusive at adult summer camp there in montana i get out there she freaks out and breaks up with me because she has cancer cancels the breakup does it again the next night i agree and say it's over proceeds to dong block me constantly throughout the summer and we scream at each other in the kitchen poor choices all around as a man in a long-term pre-tinder relationship i'm really living vicariously through these stories and they are outstanding bless you people this didn't actually come about through tinder but rather through an equivalent app so i meet the guy there and he's just incredible clever good looking funny you get the type the only catch is that he doesn't live in my city after a couple of weeks of messaging and phone calls we decide to meet up and we settle on that i would be going to him because i'd never been to his city and that seemed like a fun little adventure right wrong the big day comes and i embark on the 2.5 hour train journey and i get all excited and i can't wait to get off the train and then he's not at the platform when i get off try to call him to no avail and after four hours of waiting i decide to take the next train back home i haven't heard from him since tl dr met a guy from a different city relatively far away stands me up when i go out there to meet him i don't really have a horror story since i've gotten about one date out of tinder which went all right but i've been rejected plenty the highlight of which was this girl who seemed pretty interesting and was reasonably attractive so i swiped right and it turned out that we matched hooray so i send her a message something clever along the lines of hey a match did we just become best friends though i can't take credit for that one i did steal that from ridic step brothers happily she responded rather promptly so i was eager to read what she'd sent cause for the most part women just kinda ignore me anyway i open it up and all it said was i swiped the wrong way that woman is a savage matched with a girl and she was quite pretty in the face all of her pictures were mostly of just her face upper body but i didn't pay any mind she initiated the conversation and she was immediately into hooking up so of course i invited her over she gets there and i answer the door and turns out she was about six feet five inches i am five feet eight inches on a good day i let out an audible holy crap and she picked me up and carried me to the bedroom like a baby no regrets advice welcome so i went on three dates with this dude and we hooked up the last time at his house things end with the typical fade away i was fine with it we weren't very compatible and i noticed a few minor red flags six months later he starts emailing me obviously looking for a re-enactment of our summer fling when i turn down his advances he sends me a screenshot of myself in his bedroom while we were hooking up half a year ago so obviously this douche nozzle filmed us without my consent i reported it to the police and now almost a year after i filed the report i have to testify against the creep i have no legal rep except the state's victim advocate who only seems to have experience with dv cases has anyone else been through something like this i can't find a way to report him via tinder i deleted my account a long time ago my biggest concern is that he's still out there being a creep to other ladies on tinder downloaded tinder for quick and simple hookups first couple matches were pretty decent drinks sex etc the third girl however wanted to take things a little slower first date a little making out second date same thing but still won't go home with me third date we had some really awkward sex with the lights on and no music i was so nervous i had a hard time keeping it up and she was barely wet we've been dating for 10 months and she is going to meet my parents this weekend the horror happened a year ago met this guy similar interests looked great in his pictures we decided to meet up on a sunday for lunch i was so hungover from a friend's christmas party that i threw up upon arrival he didn't seem to mind he didn't order a drink and i couldn't order one due to the hangover once the hangover subsided i suggested we walk around and head into a bar he doesn't like the first bar had a bad experience at the next bar and keeps on passing on them until we finally get to his favorite bar he orders drinks and after a few more drinks i suggest heading to a wine bar he passes because he confesses that he's only 20 and while his profile said he worked at a local college it was a work study position because he is a junior there maybe it was the hangover maybe it was the exhaustion but i still brought him home things occurred and i found out he was a virgin he ran away in tears and threw up on my apartment stairs repeated the process once he was 21 and it was almost the same situation never again we talked for a couple of hours drank some wine watched a movie and we had sex then things went a little downhill we laid in bed and suddenly it looked like she was about to black out so i helped her sit right up and asked if i could help her get her some water and stuff but she didn't speak a word she just sat there with her hands in her hair for a couple of minutes and then puked all over my sheets at this point i wanted to get her to the shower asap but she was just stunned or something i didn't know what to do after a couple minutes i finally convinced her to get up and brought her to the shower so she could clean herself while i could clean the sheets and all that every five minutes i checked on her if she was okay but she would just sit on the floor with the shower running and wouldn't talk it was all very awkward after 20 minutes or so i brought her a towel and some clothes and we sat on the edge of my bed and she told me that she was born without a womb she cried i calmed her down and we finally went to sleep without a blanket or sheets i didn't have spare ones in my student apartment the next day i made breakfast and she went home weirdest date i ever had i matched this pretty cute looking girl she didn't look like she was in super great shape but she didn't look obese or anything well we exchanged numbers and i called her she agreed to come over to my house so i waited outside while she found her way over she pulls up in a super badass car so i'm like heck yeah when she gets out it looked like her suspension let out a sigh of relief she was at least 300 pounds nice girl though she gave me a back massage then i told her i was tired afterwards and she left i'm a little late to the party but my first tinder date has been my most eventful date ever so i matched this absolutely drop dead gorgeous girl way out of my league and we arranged to meet in the city for a few drinks on a friday evening we meet in this little bar and share a drink the conversation is a lot of small talk to begin with but it's flowing well anyway we're there for about 30 minutes when she says she hasn't eaten anything yet and asks if i wanna grab a bite to eat i do so we finish our drinks and start moving outside to find some food as we're walking along the sidewalk i see this guy in front of me staring me down like he is proper shooting daggers at me and making me super uncomfortable i try to ignore him look at the ground look at the girl whatever we move to pass him and he spins around on his heel and slams me into a wall he has his forearm pressed up against my neck and is pushing so hard my feet are starting to lift off the ground i try and pull his arm away from my throat unsuccessfully and my vision is starting to go black i thought i was done for here in a last-ditch effort to not be strangled to death i used the wall as a board to push my knee up into him as hard as i can i hit him square in the groin and he relinquishes his grip my vision starts to return although it's giving me a splitting headache i splutter and try and get my breath back a bit while i watch this guy curl over red in the face with veins popping out of his forehead he stumbles over to the street and throws up all through the gutter i turn to the girl who's just watching all of this like a ruin headlights turns out the guy was her ex-boyfriend who heard about our date through a mutual friend of theirs i managed to wheeze out enough to ask her if she'd like to get another drink with me as i could really use one she declines and says she's just going to get a ride home and practically sprint away from whatever the heck this situation was i ended up leaving this other guy puking in the street and stayed out for a few hours by myself had a really good night in the end met a bunch of new people and a pretty fun story in hindsight went out with a girl and had a great time together i only knew her first name we were texting later that night after our date and i told her to add me on snapchat and gave her my username she added me and up popped a request from first name last name her last name being my mom's very rare maiden name she was my second cousin we clarified things briefly and never spoke again my blind date gave me an iq test on the spot when he found out that i had a good score he said he won't be able to date me because i'm too smart for him and i will end up making his life miserable reddit do you have any wtf date stories i once went on a date with this girl we started with a movie after the movie finished as we were pulling out of the parking lot she saw her father leaving the same movie with a woman who wasn't her mother yikes that sounds like horrible position to be in after our first date he gave me a verbal report card in the car one of my negatives was that i took too small of bites apparently my good table manners made him nervous but one of my positives was that it seemed like i liked to be in the kitchen about two hours after the date he called me to tell me that he had looked through my entire facebook and read all of my blog he had decided that i was cooler than he'd thought on our date so he called the girl he had plans with the next night and dumped her to hang out with me more needless to say there was no second date female upon further inspection i have decided that your specifications meet my expectations report tomorrow for dinner and i shall continue your evaluation i went on a first date with this guy who seemed really sweet we went out to a really classy dinner the food was great the atmosphere was fantastic but at the end of the main course he whipped out his phone and started showing me pictures he'd taken off his dong like different angles lighting dynamic effects i rode with him to the restaurant so i had to sit next to him on the ride home and fight the urge to fling the door open and tuck and roll i have horrible self-esteem and eight losers divorced over 10 years went on a date with some internet dude and he wanted me to stay over fine but no way was i putting out with this one on the first date okay fine he says why don't you come with me to the bathroom and make out while i jerk off this has become a go to line with my friends dated a girl for a couple weeks went back to her place started opening up to each other for the first time conversation was something like this she got into talking about her family her talking about her bipolar mother her talking about her probably being bipolar because of it her talking about how she has no luck with men because she gets overly emotional her crying about it while i try to console her her accusing me of being just like every other guy that is going to leave her her yelling at me with tears streaming down her face to get the frick out of her house because i'm in butthole this whole transformation took about 15-20 minutes she also messaged me a week later asking when where we should go on another date i'm usually a sucker for helping people in need but that is one case i am just not qualified to deal with i had a gal ask me what i looked for in a partner she seemed annoyed that my answer was rather general and proceeded to pull out her list it was eight typed pages she started going through them and giving me check marks i didn't get very many i had recently started dating this guy and we were on our way to circuit city to browse around for a few things he needed for his computer while in the car on the way there an annoying techno song came on and i commented on how i couldn't stand how often they played it on the radio he turned it up a bit telling me that he liked the song i laughed and jokingly said okay well i'm not talking to you until this song finishes i smiled at him and looked away just enjoying the car ride we park the car and i immediately sense that something is wrong he's walking a few paces in front of me clearly trying to avoid walking side by side i let it go and run to catch up to him i take his arm and kiss him on the cheek and proceed to walk to the store with him again he seems distant i ask him what's wrong and he tells me he's fine i let it go and decide to enjoy the shopping we were there to do we're browsing through the store and suddenly i realize that he's nowhere to be seen it's around 7pm at the time and the store was pretty crowded i figure he must have wandered to another isle and i do the same 15 minutes later there is still no sight of him at all i'm walking through the store searching for him and nothing it's now 8 p.m i call his cell phone and it rings out i walk out to the car and it's empty there are about six other stores in the complex and i wasn't about to walk to each one searching for him it's now 8 45 and i'm getting scared the store closes at nine so there aren't that many people there finally the store is closing and i walk out to the nearly empty parking lot there he is sitting in the car i run over with tears in my eyes asking what happened he looks at me calmly and says now you know how it feels when the lines of communication have been cut it was my freshman year of college and i had started dating this 23 year old he took me to wendy's for a date because neither of us had a lot of money he had one of those monotone voices and could drone on and on and on about nothing he was telling one such story when i swallowed my water the wrong way and started coughing this was still a date so at first i tried to politely expel the water but to no avail as he continued to talk i started hacking all over the table tears were streaming down my face water was dribbling down my chin and i was pounding my own back at a futile attempt to get the devil water out of my system he kept talking trying to hold the water in at first was a bad idea i could not stop coughing i bent down under the table hoping the angle would make it easier to cough up the liquid everybody in the whole restaurant was staring at me in silence except for my date of course he was still telling his story i finally finished hacking up my lungs and tried to listen to the rest of his story i had no idea what he was talking about he continued with his anecdote unfazed by my wet red face and smeared makeup when he finally finished i apologized for my coughing fit and explained that i had swallowed my water the wrong way to which he replied oh i was wondering what was wrong with you sounds autistic to me the only blind internet date i ever went on in 1993 no less he took me out for dinner and a movie we saw schindler's list at the dollar theater no lie his choice afterwards he told me he didn't believe the holocaust happened dino was at burger king my meal of chicken tenders and a small fry cost under four dollars at the time afterwards i bid him good evening and he complained that i didn't put out because he bought me dinner heck even if i did it for a living i'd charge more than four dollars i didn't stick around to go watch apollo 13 and find out if he thought the moon landing was faked and perhaps eventually bar to my favors for an entire extra value meal my self-esteem in college was low but not that low nine stroke ten dates i've been hooked up with via dating sites have all started out with the woman saying a variation of the following i'm not looking for a boyfriend i'm just looking for a friend now i know i'm not the best looking dude out there but come on you've already seen my pick recent too and we met through a dating website for the purpose of dating not hanging out i went on a date with a guy who said he was getting into the elements and slowly has developed the ability to control fire i can control fire most i use matches to start them and water to put them out i'm white i went out with an indian girl twice who constantly talked about how india was so much nicer than the united states how indian culture is far superior to western culture and how indian guy is much more refined and attractive than white men and then she dumped me for being white what sounds like she dated you briefly to pee off her parents i was on second date this guy said he wanted to cook something elaborate for me i met him at his house he shows me his freezer and asks me to pick a frozen dish which he then puts in the microwave for me seriously wtf material thank god that's all he had in his freezer once i went on a first date and the guy told me that i seem great he just had one concern i'm not saying you're fat but i'm worried you will gain weight and not be attractive to me anymore i was 110 pounds at the time and i was eating a salad then in the car he asked me for a beach b please i wonder about men who disrespect women then want to place their penises between the aggrieved party's teeth i went out with a really gorgeous girl who i didn't know was bipolar and off her meds she wanted to drive so we took her car we went to dinner which was fine and then a movie where she got more and more agitated and then excused herself i thought she was going to a bathroom then said out loud no she's bugging out and walked out and found her in the parking lot searching for her car she screamed at me that i'd been making fun of her the people in the theater had been making fun of her and the people in the movie had been making fun of her i got her calm down and got her home and on the way found out that she was bipolar she had stopped taking her meds she was into self-harm she beat her face black and blue right there in the car and the car was stolen she kept calling after that asking when we were going to go out again nope nope nope the car being stolen is the cherry that makes this story truly fantastic first date drove around the countryside explored abandoned building went to the beach had a great time overall a second date arrive at college jazz show she is sitting with another dude holding hands i sit in the back of the room bewildered whilst she turns around every few minutes screaming at me third date drive around town goof off in random stores spontaneous makia recession at stoplight cause minor traffic jam have minblowing car sex next to a creepy power station industrial thing on a foggy highway a fourth date arrived to pick her up for date she is chatting up another guy card drives up she gets in and leaves leaving me with some random dude who ends up crying he turns out to be suicidal cries on my shoulder for several hours we get burgers and talk about life smoke a bunch of cigarettes and have a strangely decent evening in the process end up saving bullying woman from dude who is blocking her car trying to force his way into her car fifth date frick that stayed home and had a wank it's like a quirky romantic comedy but with a realistic ending as a guy i've occasionally heard other guys say they aren't interested in smart women as far as i can tell it's because they are full of crap and they know at least subconsciously that a woman with half an ounce of sense isn't going to put up with it i think it's usually just the same as smart people aren't usually interested in any old daft bastard generally they want to be with someone about as smart as themselves i was set up on my first blind date by a friend who swore up and down that this guy was perfect for me i asked her if he knew that i am basically a very geeky goth and she said he had a thing for goth girls get to the restaurant and have a decent appetizer talking about generic things like school movies and books and the server came by and took our orders and when she left he clapped his hands together and said well i guess we should get this out of the way if we're going to date there's a few things you need to do i will point out now that he was not joking he genuinely wanted me to do the following lose weight i am 1.76 meters tall and 65 kilograms 5 feet 8 and 145 pounds 10 stone i needed to lose 15 20 pounds dye my hair brown my hair was pink and black get to turn i'm white as a fish belly dress in the clothing he picked out he told me he had excellent taste remove all my piercings i had 17 no more tattoos i had to my nail polish had to be normal no black green or blue i would not be allowed to play video games watch horror movies or read comics because girls don't do that different jewelry no more bats i remember hearing all of what he was saying and just thinking this is a joke a tv host will jump out and tell me i'm on a joke show that never happened people near us overheard this and began craning their necks trying to look at me and see what was so awful he ticked off all the things i needed to change and then sat back smiled and asked when i would be able to get started the server came back with our meals and i have a lovely plate of pasta in front of me i don't know what got in my head but i picked up my plate and dumped it into his lap i left the restaurant walked down the block and went into a convenience store and called a different friend to pick me up and told them the whole story cried a little and basically felt absolutely hideous the person who set me up on the date was horrified said she had no idea he'd do something so awful that was my first and last blind date it's been a while since that awful day and i can proudly state that i am till as geeky pale and obsessed with bats as i was then and no one keeps me away from my snares comma people near us overheard this and began craning their necks trying to look at me and see what was so awful they were craning their necks to see if you would stab him in the neck with a fork plan for date is dinner and a movie we were set up by a mutual friend and had been texting and talking on the phone and i was pretty excited but he shows up an hour late i would have cut and run then but i wanted to make the best of it and he was good friends with one of my friends so on the way to the movie i discover he already had dinner i'm now starving hungry so i make the best of it and grab chocolate bars at the gas station he starts talking about how chocolate will make me fat i'm a skinny girl and still who says that so we're waiting for the movie to start and i'm munching on my snacks and he keeps going on about how i wouldn't want to get fat being fat is so terrible i smile and nod on the drive home we start talking about movie editing i ask him a question and i'm halfway through it when he cuts me off and says you're smart too now i'm really in love then he doesn't actually answer my question just start seamlessly complimenting me when he dropped me off i'm ready to dash but still too nice to be rude and it's kind of a laugh the guy is arrogant shallow rude and can't hold an intelligent conversation now he's telling me about his gun collection oh look there's some in his trunk he wants to show me them but i have an early class so i have to go we never spoke again can't tell if all the fat talk was him trying out his mad lead poo and negging skills or him just being a total dong i told a guy about my mom's upcoming surgery not life-threatening the guy said to me well because of where you grew up maybe a death in the family would serve you well you know a character builder people like you could really learn from that so he wanted my mom to die great then he goes on to tell me a sob story about drunk driving and being in a coma and how he turned his life around bartender asks for his id i notice it isn't a license i ask about it and he says he got a dui a few weeks ago i could keep going this date was epic i ended up being saved by a stranger in the end who was witnessing my misery please do go on my date tried to crash her car into a tree neither of us were injured badly but the car was wrecked later she confessed that she wanted me to become paralyzed so i'd never leave her and she can look after me forever help she was trying to misery you holy freak i thought we had the monopole for crazy dates in italy but reading the comments here i guess not okay some of my stories now i went on a date with a girl and during the day she showed me pictures of her boobs and her mom's boobs she asked me which were nicer i'm still not sure what she's doing with pics of her mom's tea in her purse or why she cares what a first date thinks of them i did not go on a second date to find out on another date with another girl we went for a walk across the city guys she knew kept stopping her on the street to say hi and exchange a few words with her each time she tell me it was one of her brothers apparently this girl had over 15 brothers and randomly met them all on the same day i still have no idea who these guys really were or why she clearly lied about their relationship another girl i went on a date with brought a female friend along the female friend would always sit or stand a few feet from us and not get involved in what we were doing she was just observing us intently when i met the girl at first that day she said her friend liked to come along on dates but that didn't make much sense to me near the end of the afternoon i ended up asking her what's up with her friend observing us from a distance with a weird look my date replied i told you she likes to come along on dates and watch us i pushed for some more details and my date finally let out well she really likes watching people on dates it turns her on you know that's when i realized the weird look her friend had all day while watching us was actually a look or sexual arousal i have never been so creeped out in my life when i reach for the door he tackles and shoves me aside so he can open the door for me i thought it was an accident so i'll laugh it off commenting on how hard it must be for guys to follow all these rules of being gentlemanly opening doors etc and mentioned it's easier for me as there are fewer rules to follow he gets a devilish look in his eyes and says women are expected to provide certain services to a gentleman oh frick no ugh i cringed when i read this what a creeper i met a girl for some drinks not only was she the most lazy and [ __ ] woman i've ever met but after she saw me pick up our drinks from the bar and bring them to her she openly tells me that she won't be drinking it because i could have drugged it and she didn't want me to rape her i drank both dranks and walked stumbled the frick out without another word plot twist she then raped you for some reason the dates that i have been on all okay cupid dates i have turned into these guys as psychologist the thing is that i actually try to help them one guy told me all about his dong that was curved down and he was really insecure about it and that he suffered from terrible nightmares i assured him that that's normal for a lot of guys and listened to his dreams another guy described to me in great detail at a california pizza kitchen how his mother was sexually physically and emotionally abusive that one i really tried to be nice but i was out of there in less than an hour another guy met for coffee and described his manic depressive disorder furthered by his recent breakup with his soulmate i tried to give him a silver lining speech but he was having none of it another guy started our date yelling at his roommate over the phone because her cat chat all over his mattress he was pee he didn't really take it out on me but he talked about how p he was all night again i listened and tried to be supportive i think i may be too nice or deserve a job in social work you are a son had a girl bring her boyfriend to a date once apparently the two girls that set us up mutual friends didn't like her current boyfriend so she agreed to go out with me but she didn't have a problem with her boyfriend so she brought him along i dated a guy i thought was great until i came home to meet his mom one day we walk in and she is all smiles and polite to me as she is tidying the house he was getting ready for our dinner date and walked into the laundry room to get his clothes out he comes screaming at his poor mother and waving a pair of jeans in her face when i say screaming i mean his face was red and spittle was flying all because she dried a pair of his jeans and they shrunk she was reduced to tears and he actually got to the point where he just sat down on the couch and tugged on his shirt collar until it was shredded in his hands i walked up to her and apologized that she had to deal with that and walked out the door he ran after me crying and holding bits of shirt asking well more like demanding that i stay and begging me not to leave i turned and told him that you just don't talk to someone like that especially your mother especially someone who was trying to do something nice for you and there was no way in heck i was going to see someone who had such anger problems and lack of self-control i mean he was 20 that's no excuse kudos for the nice gesture for his mom worst date i've had well i take it back the date itself was awesome we hit it off and had a lot of common interests it was the end of the date that sucked she asked me at the end of the date what my facebook name was i told her honestly that i don't have facebook and don't have one i still don't she looked shocked anyways since the first date went great i asked her out again a few days later and she flat out told me no because and i quote i can't trust anyone who doesn't have a facebook account sue glad i avoided crazy that early on i had a guy flirt with me for about three weeks and i don't mean little things i mean he insisted on buying me drinks played with my hair complimented me constantly and by the end of week three was very forward flirting wise only for him to tell me he has a girlfriend he decided to do this while we were watching a movie at his apartment and then he tried to kiss me when i called him out he claimed he was just socially awkward and didn't realize i was taking everything romantically needless to say i dropped any and all contact except for when i saw him in the class we shared he showed up to the next three classes drunk off his butt and picked a fight with the guy behind him bullet dodged i was on a dating site for a while agreed to meet a guy for drinks after we emailed back and forth for a while i should have seen the red flags is a lawyer well educated seemingly honest claims to be a good-looking guy posts a deceptive photo of himself i barely recognize him when i saw him he refused to tell me where he worked or his last name explained his phone number is unlisted due to his profession then he proceeds to go through all of the photos on my phone when i tried to show him just one i got the most expensive drink i could find chugged it then got out as fast as i could once went out with this guy on a whim totally great first date apparently went even better for him he told me he loved me two days later if anyone's interested that was years ago and we're still dating i give him crap about it to no end sell not virtue to purchase wealth nor liberty to purchase power bf a blind date also my guy first thought his acura nsx the older version was a chick magnet so much so that he clearly felt no reason to act like a decent human being we were sitting at a sports bar talking and getting to know each other about five minutes in he starts arguing with me over nothing and starts insulting me we weren't even taking about anything argumentative he had asked me where i like to hang out in our city then proceeded to tell me how stupid everything i was saying was anyway he was the biggest dong i've ever met or even had a date with i left when he went to the bathroom i thought he might force me to go eat with him i just couldn't handle that when i was 15 i went abroad to germany to study for a year i was an awkward anxious nerdy kid and didn't make any friends though one charitable soul offered to set me up on a date with a guy she knew from another school i've never been the dating type but i went along with it in hopes that it might crack some of the boredom and what the heck maybe this guy and i might hit it off fast forward to date day and i ask the guy what he wants to do it's a small suburban town just far enough outside the nearest city for it to be a pain in the bus to commute and not big enough on its own to offer much in the way of entertainment for two teens on a blind date this guy let's call him call because that's actually his name suggests going for a walk or fine i'm down with that so we walk around grab a coffee and shoot the crap for about an hour's or so that's all the time i need to settle any doubt that this guy is not for me he's not a bad guy he just lacks even the faintest glimmer of intelligence i ask him about his hobbies and he tells me that he's interested in pipe fitting because that's the vocation he intends to go into at his father's request despite his own indifference i ask him if he likes to travel and he says no but he's traveled a bit in his life where did he travel about 45 kilometers west of the town he grew up in when he got lost and accidentally crossed the border into the netherlands on his moped he then launches into a tangent completely out of nowhere about how women can't and shouldn't be allowed to operate motor vehicles hypocrisy much at school the following week the girl who set me up with this guy asked how everything went i tried to be as diplomatic as possible and said that he seemed like a nice guy but we didn't have much in common and thanks for making the effort but i'm not interested in a second date my host sister who bullied me in subtle ways from pretty much within a week of my arrival then joined my classmates and they both collapsed in paroxysms of laughter and high fives apparently the two of them had arranged this date as a prank and had a bet with each other if i had agreed to a second date then ba can't remember if it was the host sister or my classmate would have won if not then bb and if i had slept with the dude well i don't know it never would have come to that needless to say that upon learning of this scheme at my expense i unleashed some serious [ __ ] slipping i unleashed some serious [ __ ] slapping and at that commotion of hair pulling yelps and nails rending flesh the balance was restored to the galaxy i was on a first date with a guy i liked and while he was driving red mazda miata he got a speeding ticket and asked me to pay for it since i was talking and he was distracted from the road i was annoyed but i took the ticket he then took me to dinner at hooters and asked me to pick up the tab so he can pay for us to get into some nightclub where he spends the entire evening talking about other women he'd been with needless to say there was no second date at what moment did you realize that the person you'd been dating was utterly batshit crazy when i went to break up with her and she said no that's not how it works we both have to agree to break up in order to break up yep k then we're not breaking up i'm dumping you she was very clingy and didn't give me any space to hang out with friends etc so i broke up at that point i started realizing she was crazy every week she would keep sending me presents bottles of wine t-shirts etc in the beginning i find it funny after a while it got annoying so i asked her to stop she proceeded giving presents to my friends and tell them it was something that belonged to me which i had left at the place dude free crap dated a schizophrenic for a minute she was well medicated and for the most part pretty it seemed pretty mild she had a few issues with being kind of out of touch with reality but that's expected then she freaking stabbed me over her birthday cake he called me a bunch of times in the span of a few minutes like in humanly possible amount of times he then accused me of cheating because the floor in front of my bathroom sink was wet yes this was his reasoning found out she had made a blog about me was posting my personal stuff she installed find my iphone app on my iphone so she could keep track of my location she added all my friends onto her social media contact lists even girls i dated in the past changed her username replacing her last name with mine went through my phone email chat messages like she was on a scavenger hunt i found out she was taking nude pictures of me when i was asleep and in the shower without my knowledge got her cop friend to do a background check on my ex would keep track of the number of condoms i had to see if i was cheating i was 16 years old and we were in her hot tub i was talking about this episode of futurama that i had seen the other night it was the luck of the frearish she just blurted out you know if you left me i'd kill myself i hadn't even thought of leaving her until she said that and then that's all i could think about i stayed with her for months and months because i believed she would have and i couldn't live with the guilt i stayed with her so long that i began to hate her so much that i didn't even care at that point if she did kill herself it was an important lesson on learning when to leave a relationship if anyone is concerned she did not kill herself as far as i know she is unhappily engaged i hadn't even thought of leaving her until she said that and then that's all i could think about the plot of inception too when she was threatening to cut herself with a steak knife in our bathroom and when i said i was going to call the police she punched herself in the eye and said she would tell them i did it that is freaked he told me i should stop taking my birth control lest i go to heck i should also ask forgiveness for thinking it was a okay to take it in the first place even if i weren't taking it for contraceptive reasons i would take it for other health ones the latter didn't matter to him birth control was a device for someone looking to act on satan's calling them to behave whorishly he gave me a whole spiel on how i was only hurting myself in the end by being so selfish also he said no one would ever want to marry his child's mother but initially it sounded like he meant it was because of her behavior nope it was because she'd had their kid out of wedlock how this didn't somehow apply back to him beats me bullet dodged religious rules on sex rarely apply to men well except ones relating to homosexuality those only apply to men when he said that my dad deserved to lose his job because he was being paid by the military to kill people um he wrote satellite code for phones this was years ago he never worked in the military and he's quite sure that his codes weren't being used to kill people i hated my boyfriend didn't totally realize it at the time but i did and this was the last straw you insult my father and i will beat you down okay i'll just yell you jerk wrote satellite code for phones paid by the military to kill people the only logical conclusion between the first and second punches to the face during a fight that started when i found sketchy crap on her phone please note i really hate myself for going through her phone but she kept going through mine secretly and i really had nothing to hide so i assumed she did a bit of advice if you feel the need to go through your significant other's phone the relationship is already over that last sentence is truth mine was kind of a whiny pain in the butt but he bought us plane tickets to visit savannah where his friends lived and i felt weird breaking up with him and it was one of those things where it just kept dragging along but i was beginning to realize he needed to go this was about five six months in then we went to his friend's party while we were savannah he got a bit drunk and started preaching to everybody about the freaking reptilian agenda to anyone and everyone that would listen for like 20 minutes lizard people they're everywhere and the government knows i sat listening shocked and horrified until being a little drunk myself i just ripped him to freaking shreds i was in the process of acquiring a degree in the research base field and i just tore his arguments apart without mercy people were laughing at him but i couldn't help myself his own best friend came up to me later and said he was so sorry that had happened i don't know what i would do if i found out someone i loved believed crap like that and he was definitely not trying to hit on me he was just as shocked so that was an awkward plane ride home i got real drunk hate to be this guy but giggle reptilian agenda i love the crazy buggers that push reptile overlords it was the middle of january she left my place without a jacket at the beginning of the night to go sit down on the sidewalk in front of the children's hospital she spent all night out there in the freezing cold to show her support she also wasn't eating or drinking anything also she filmed herself picking up a guy at the mall bringing him back to her place and getting him to massage her feet the video was four hours long she made me watch it to prove that she was faithful to me a few weeks later she sucked a guy off in a closet at a halloween party she brought me to she was really hot and great in bed but freaking crazy not worth it he called me up after a year of dating we hadn't seen each other in a week and he was sobbing we are talking throwing up and sobbing he kept going on and on about how he missed me don't get me wrong i missed him too but i knew i was going to see him in a couple days so i guess i was just level headed with my feelings i knew in that moment i was dealing with someone who was a little off but thought it was just a rare moment three messy years later his boss calls the police to do a wellness check on him after he threatened to commit suicide on facebook for the hundredth time we had a huge blow out of a fight where for the first time in four years i yelled at him i went to visit him in the hospital before they took him to a psychiatric facility and he sat there and explained to me how everything was my fault i am done this is about how i knew mine was crazy when she asked if i could watch her kid while she went on vacation with her parents i said wait your kid you have a kid we had been seeing each other for a year at that point she asked me to euthanize my dog because he was taking up too much of our time and before you ask yes he was old but not so old and infirm that euthanasia was at all justified and also no i did not euthanize my dog as she requested but i did dump my girlfriend but i did dump my girlfriend but i did euthanize our relationship as it was taking away from my quality time with my dog my ex-wife's mother had just died and i went to the funeral to be there for my ex we were married for eight years my gf lost her crap when she found out i went to the funeral i tried to explain to her that her mother had died and she told me boohoo people's moms die at the time my own mother was in the process of dying and yeah she knew this my ex's dad had a good point when any of his kids asked why he stayed in touch with his other kids long-term exes you can't be expected to love someone fears and then just instantly unlove them because circumstances changed all separate excess one told me he had people following me because while he trusted me he wanted to make sure i wasn't lying to him about where i was two lied to me about having cancer because he wanted me to feel bad and stay in the relationship mind you he witnessed me lose my mom to cancer a year prior three decided and suggested he wanted me to do all types of sexual things with him and his friends while also doing really hard drugs i flew out of that relationship like a bat out of heck maybe it was when he took too many drugs and tried eating quarters while telling me he had to go meet george washington on the school bus or possibly when he hit himself on the head with a sledgehammer because i told him i was going home could have also been when he held a knife to my cat when i told him i wanted to break up or perhaps it was after i finally did leave when he left me 50 voicemails that went back and forth between calling me a w telling me about which drugs he was doing that day to forget me and begging for me back for a month later when he egged my new guy's house take your pick i've got more more please when i got home from work and thought nobody was home he jumped out of my closet kind of like a flying squirrel with a crowbar demanding to know where the dude i was cheating on him with was i was alone and not cheating on him then he knocked the doorknob of my main apartment door off completely and flying squirreled away this is my favorite image ever flying squirreled away thanks for that i told him his co-worker grabbed my butt at the party we just left he slammed his foe down on the street tackled me and started choking me the neighbors came out and asked if i was okay and he started yelling it was none of their business and if they were smart they'd go back inside i was so terrified to leave him after that i was also very ashamed to tell anyone that i was with someone like that it only ever happened when he drank which was quite often at least once a week we'd have an episode like this i finally ended up telling my mom five months later and she helped me move out of his place while he was at work you poor thing i'm so glad you were finally able to speak to someone and your mom helped you get the frick out hope you're doing okay now she asked me to pick her up from her friend's house normally this won't be such a big deal but when i got there i discovered that her friend was her h dealer and when she got in the car she was screaming about how peachy was that she got shorted for some reason i stayed with her for like six months after this when i met her extended family from bojack horseman when you're wearing rose tinted goggles all the red flags are just flags it was my first major relationship i was in college i was pretty excited and pushing things to move too fast her parents were a red flag her maturity was a red flag her emotional state was a red flag i just looked past it all and said when we graduate it will all be better well that time got close and i was invited to her family's thanksgiving out of state i met a lot of extended family but then i saw a black flag and i took off the goggles and it was blood red all the people who married into the family or were fiance's boyfriends or whatever had to sit at a separate smaller almost kids table i was greeted they were all nice and greeted me then the flag went up i hear you'll be joining us well we have sort of a support group together this family you'll be joining can be hard to get along with we'll get your email it's good to have someone to talk to when things get rough the rose-tinted goggles fell off and i looked around and saw so many red flags i didn't make a fuss the rest of the trip eight was nice thank to everyone but told them i didn't think i would need the group one or two said it was probably for the better and they understood my decision we got back and i couldn't understand how i had tolerated all of this before i broke up with her within a few weeks shortly before graduation after i graduated i left the state which made things pretty easy when i dated a girl we were both around 16 17 high school mind you and she would always have problems and tell me that something was wrong and then would refuse to tell me anything specific that was hard to deal with on its own but the real kicker was the time she was severely upset for a good two weeks and i got her to crack eventually and she said she was worried about postpartum depression ruining our marriage ruining our marriage yikes might wanna get that checked out i realized it when i was reading a chapter in a book about relationship violence and every single item on a list of red flags reminded me of my partner also i was lying about details of our relationship to my friend's family because i was afraid of what they would say in response i had been dating a girl for a few weeks and realized i just wasn't feeling it in our relationship so i politely told her that something just wasn't there for me so maybe we should move on she started sending me texts like a lot of them one day i was in meetings all day and she sent me 184 texts i counted they started off with hey let's meet for coffee and talk and progress to frick you i hate you then into begging and crying and feeling alone and back to meet for coffee and talk with a little bit of you put your penis in me and you dump me and then she started the entire loop back again she had an amazing conversation with herself and when i refused to take the bait she started calling people in my office she took my office number from my business card and started calling numbers for example mine ended in 7045 so she started with 7046 7047 etc and asked them to tell me to call her and that i was such a special guy to her she was cuckoo for cocker puffs when she started punching herself in the face when i threatened to call the police to make her leave she told me that i would be the one going she wasn't kidding either she was throwing haymakers into her own face needless to say i learned right than that she was wired a bit differently than the rest of us she would follow me around everywhere i went and not tell me she was following me as in she would leave my house hours later i would go to class or to the store or something and she would be stalking me in her car she always checked up where i went the funny thing is though i was always loyal and faithful to her she's the one who cheated on me crazy b when i tried to break up with him and he started stabbing himself in the thighs with a screwdriver while screaming do you like seeing emmy hurt well now that you were gone he had to get used to screwing himself we were 16 i took her to my big family christmas party we were driving back with my family in our van christmas tunes blaring mom and dad in the front my nine-year-old sister in the middle me and my girlfriend in the back and that was when she decided to pull my dong out and start playing with it oh come all ye faithful you like that joyful and triumphant maybe i should spit on it oh come ye come ye i wish i could freak you right here to be ethel ham i don't see the problem sounds like a keeper to me he was religious i didn't mind and encouraged him and even went with him to church but i wouldn't convert apparently i'm going to heck not quite bad crap crazy but anyway i was the day that i'd managed to snooker her into definitively being wrong about something she had a thing where she was always right or put better never wrong she would never admit she was wrong about something it was always someone else's fault or there was a loophole excuse etc so the day came when i'd finally got her pinned in a no way out corner snookered a logical trap etc you were wrong i said after laying out all the evidence making all my rightful claims etc she looked at me with a cold emotionless hard eye and said i'm not wrong i'm never wrong i was quite young and eager to please and looking to be loved etc etc etc but in retrospect that was the day i subliminally knew the relationship was freaked as far as i know she's still not wrong and long-term single wasn't dating but had a long distance internet relationship when i was about 17 or 18 i was lucky it was long distance because i was able to easily cut off contact when according to what she told me a pregnant woman insulted them so she and her friend kicked and punched her to the point that she had a miscarriage she sounded like she took a certain amount of pride in it as she was telling me all about it over the phone i dated a girl and her whole family was batshit crazy her would tell me i'm suffocating her and i need to back off and then tell me i'm not trying hard enough would call me crying about something stupid and deny she ever called me her mom told me she runs a candle business online and then when i asked how her candle business was doing another time she had no idea what i was talking about dad would throw temper tantrums all the time he would openly flirt and check our women out when we were out for dinner and he rejected my christmas present why did i date her i was only 20 and her body was fan freaking tastic well hank i tell you what sometimes that butt is irresistible when she started randomly licking my face and laughing hysterically she does it without provocation sometimes in very serious or intimate moments i love every batch it's crazy thing about that girl we broke up normally a few days later a bag turns up outside my front door and it's soaking wet i carry it inside and it's a hoodie i lent to her that was slightly warm by wet i thought nothing of it as it had been raining earlier that day and left it in my bath i returned later to see yellow fluid coming out of it she has pee on the jumper and returned it i freaked out and went to contact her on fb and saw shed been at a party and had burned a picture of me and then done the deed strange girl when she decided to stop taking her meds which i had never known she was on at least that was her excuse but i couldn't ever tell what was truth or lies after riding the crazy train for months plus if a zombie outbreak occurred and we couldn't get her meds i would have chosen to be eaten by the horde rather than be stuck with her trip her and run fool i was the crazy one i dated this guy who cheated on me and i never got over it but continued to date him i was so insecure and jealous it would result in me calling all the time getting upset if he looked at another woman or even talked to a girlfriend took me a while to sit back and realize what i had become i broke up with him and i'm now in an amazing relationship of trust and importantly i am very secure in who i am i never want to be that crazy girlfriend ever again i was dating a girl who was a bit into the party life but really sweet and kind didn't seem to be into anything too over the top then she broke into my house at 3am on a weekday when i had to work woke me up and asked if i wanted to smoke an eight ball of crack with her i told her to get the frick out of my house i leaned in for a kiss while we were okay a date and when she said no i pulled away and respected her wish she told everyone i sexually assaulted her i worked with this girl for a while we talked for a bit started getting closer and eventually we got together a few weeks into the relationship she got one right too attached one day we went into our local town to do a bit of shopping and i said that we needed to go because i had an event to go to she lost her crap right in front of everyone saying that i didn't have time for her this wasn't true whatsoever because we saw each other all the time we weren't working etc etc we then went back to mine because her car was there and she carried on losing her crap so i got in my car and drove off later on i rang her and said i'm done with this relationship because it's toxic the next morning she came to my house and spent at least three hours ringing my phone and knocking on my door when i was sleeping i eventually told her to go away otherwise i'll call the police and that was the last time i saw her i knew she was into wrestling watching it on tv but it turned out that she wanted me to wrestle her in bed too or to wrestle each other in the bathroom to see who would get to use the shower first everything was turned into a form of competition to see who could end up on top i see nothing wrong here when i went home for a few weeks and she slept with multiple guys started smoking doing coding and acted as though it was all normal when i got back she claimed that her dad is the resurrection of satan in the serious sense not just as a metaphor for him being strict and she claimed that she had an invisible demon following her and it protects her from any harm intriguing to say the least when he was sobbing about how i didn't believe him when i caught him in a lie and wouldn't back down i stood my ground and suddenly it was like a switch flipped he went from hysterical crying to her grin and said yeah you're right i just didn't want you to think less of me somehow a grown man hysterically crying for basically no reason was supposed to make me respect him we broke up the first time she slept over was after a night out seeing her swallow a veritable pharmacy of medications for her various mental health issues that up until then had seemed very abstract could have been a bit uncomfortable in any circumstances seeing her do it drunkenly and miss some pills and take double and triple doses of others that was truly alarming what is the biggest fail date you have ever had last year i decided to text a cute girl that i had class with the previous term to try to set up a date and she responded with something like sure i was hoping i'd hear from you again she said she's a good bowler so we agreed on bowling and the day of the date rolled around the next week she was sitting on the railing outside the bowling alley waiting then when i got off the car and smiled at her she said oh hey i wasn't expecting to see you here i thought something might be up but i couldn't think of a good response so i acted like i wasn't expecting to see her either i asked her if i should go inside and get elaine set up for us and she said yeah sure just hold on a bit i asked another friend to meet me here when i asked who it was she told me that it was her friend that just so happened to have the same first name as me i went inside and handed over some passes for free games put on my shoes then put our three names in the machine i didn't want to just start without her so after waiting for 10 minutes or so i got a text from her saying where are you i really don't want to be stuck here with this guy i used to have class with so i found out that my instincts were right but as a bowler with free bowling passes that were about to expire i wasn't about to just leave i responded sorry family emergency i can't make it and a minute later she came back inside and found me at whatever lane i was on when i asked her about her friend she told me that he wasn't coming when i asked her if she was ready to start she then told me i'll just watch i don't really like to bowl i only really came to watch my other friend supposedly he is a really good bowler after that i told her well if you're not going to bowl there's not much of a point in staying i was just going to practice for a match anyway we said our goodbyes and i never heard from her again tl dr set up a date with the girl i had class with the previous term she mistook me for a different guy she liked with the same first name in her cell contacts list then she spent half the date waiting outside for this other guy while texting me saying where are you i really don't want to be stuck here with this guy i used to have class with a few years ago i met a guy at a bar who was born on exactly the same day as me that seemed like reason enough to accept his offer when he asked me out he told me to dress up very nicely as we would be attending an art gallery opening i got all dolled up and when he came to pick me up he was in a t-shirt and jeans okay maybe i misunderstood the attire requirement we got there and it was in a warehouse out in the middle of nowhere it was actually an art gallery but barely some of his friends were there but he wouldn't introduce me to them and proceeded to chat with them and ignore me the entire evening meanwhile i'm dressed to the nines and they're also all in games after we left he asked if he could take me out to dinner i figured whatever at least i'd get a free meal out of this awful evening we hit up a nice pizza joint and ordered a pizza as i reached for a second slice he just looks at me and says wow a second slice really geez your house so i ate the rest of the pizza in high school i went out on a date with a guy from a different town who went to an alternative high school oh well sort of a date he met me at boomers dave and buster's kind of place with outdoor go-karts and indoor arcade you get the drift to hang out with mutual friends the date started with him making out with one of my male friends up against a pinball machine and ended with my mom dropping him off at his grandparents house where he insisted we come inside and see his pet iguana his grandmother kept telling my mom her skin was so soft and attempting to pet her while his grandfather sat in the corner facing the wall i was in the most confused state i have ever been in my entire life i didn't call him a game despite receiving multiple calls from him a few weeks after the first date i got a string of items from him telling me he was going to overdose on pills because he was in love with me deciding to wear on the side of caution i called 9-1-1 and i met him telling him so he i met me the next day saying a bunch of bull about how i had saved his life and that he was forever in my debt for a while after that about once a week or so i would come home from school to a bouquet of roses on my doorstep then i came home once to his grandfather's car in the driveway the grandfather gets out and tells me that i should just date his grandson already he also told me that i was a b for calling 9-1-1 when i should have just gone over to his house to check on him since he was behind him at the computer telling him what to type and also said that he had been the one dropping off the bouquets on my doorstep jesus christ tl dr went on a date with the long-lost crimson of rufus t firefly about five or six years ago i met a girl that came into my work i talked to her for a little bit we seemed to really hit it off she asked me if i wanted to go get dinner sometime she said she'd come pick me up and everything that weekend we go out together to a restaurant on the other side of town she was very interesting to me i really didn't tell her a lot about myself because i kept asking her questions about watching the various things she was talking about we just finished eating i told her that i was going to get our meal since she drove us there i had just given the way to my debit card when i blacked out this has happened two other times in my life so it's not common after my seizure was over everyone in this restaurant was around me people were holding my legs and arms everyone was scared and someone had called an ambulance i call it my down feeling it's the mood i'm in after i have a seizure everything seems different and it's kind of hard to explain in this state of mind i get up to my feet i looked all over the restaurant for her and she had already left i thought she went to get help i made the m's people wait for her as long as i could i tried calling her i didn't get out of the hospital until 1am i had to walk seven miles home because we don't have public transportation in this town i never heard from her again after that i went out with a guy who wore the puffy shirt from seinfeld i swear this was the same shirt i looked beyond that or at least tried to and continued with the date he later had a meltdown in his car because i said hello to a male friend we had seen while we were at a coffee shop and laughed when he told a story to me he said my laugh was sexual towards him and that he shouldn't have fallen for me so quickly and wouldn't have if he'd known i cheat on him so fast he was crying really hard the whole way back to my house it was the most awkward car ride home ever we never talked again holy heck dodge a bullet with that nutter oh boy well i was about 18 and working in the city new york at my father's printing shop i had met this guy a few days before on a bus going upstate to visit my friend i tell my father i'm leaving early to go hang out in the city with a friend and i'm just gonna take the train home from there i meet up with the guy and almost immediately he's weird think pepe le pew like he's trying to get all touchy feely and huggy squeezy on the subway then he pulls out a disposable camera and asks if he can take my picture and tell people i'm his girlfriend i of course say no but i was a big people pleaser and didn't want to hurt his feelings so i didn't end the date but i couldn't wait to get away this continued until we were walking down some random street and some lumpy bee waddles up to me and starts getting in my face it was his girlfriend i crap you not we are in freaking midtown manhattan and we just happened to pass her by hanging out with friends i tell her to get the frick out of my face because i had no idea he had a girlfriend and i'm actually relive she decided to show up he starts to follow me and i just turn around and say dude you really don't want to do that trust me since my train wasn't for a while i decided to go back to the office to wait when i got there i found my father cheating on my mother with the woman he hired to help with the filing what a twist met her at the rec center next day we met to play raquette ball i hit her in the face twice did not get a second date not as mortifying as some i've read but by far my worst date it was a first date with a guy i met online we'd had some nice conversations and decided to meet up one night for sushi the night started off well enough and i was really enjoying myself about a half hour into the date he starts getting a crapton of texts and calls from who he claims is his dad being the slightly naive girl i was four years ago i shrugged it off but the texts kept coming he never bothered to put his phone on silent and checked every single text he said his dad wanted to go work out with him at that point i had a good handle on what was going on look i told him if you aren't into me that's fine but have the guts to tell me instead of relying on your buddy to bail you out actually he replied while standing it's a booty call thanks for dinner and he freaking left i sat there for a little bit embarrassed as heck because of all the sympathetic glances from the other patrons the server brought the check over but she leaned down to me and whispered i heard what happened i took that butthole's order off so you only are paying for what you ate that's when i started crying in the middle of the restaurant i left the server a massive tip for her generosity and spent the rest of the night drowning my sorrows in wine ben and jerry's and love actually sounds like you dodged a bullet if the dudes ditched you to bang his dad i definitely wouldn't stand for that on a first date reposting from an older but similar thread god yes the date was arranged by the college newspaper where i was attending school i had never met nor seen the person who i would be courting that night i was only told that all expenses would be paid for i was a college student how could i turn down free food we met up at a local greek place while being followed by a film crew she was great charming cute funny and could hold her own in a conversation however much like that exact lego piece that you really need in a tub full of legos her crazy was well hidden after the meal we went for a long walk on the beach a few minutes and she leans in close and whispers let's ditch the film crew when a fairly hot girl asks you to find a way to get to a secluded place logic is overtaken by hormones the second they turned their heads we made a dash for it we found a lifeguard tower that wasn't in use and made our way up the ramp it was perfectly secluded and it had the tactical advantage of being able to see if anyone was approaching i leaned enough for a kiss expecting that was what she wanted she put a hand to my chest and held me back wait she said she was excited at this point and she made no effort to hide it you want to see my scars no biggie i've had creepier things said to me and i figured it was an excuse she was making to eventually get us undressed i was game sure she took off her shirt not her bra but it didn't matter as i was no longer fascinated with her boobs all across her stomach we deep crazy scars that scored her abdomen like corduroy scars so deep they didn't just change the tone of the skin but changed the underlying shape of it and how it flowed want to give me one i a what what are these from memories give me one she pulls out a hunting knife from her purse the crazy was no longer hidden she actually wanted me to cut her abdomen open i've done it before we'll just say that i fell while we were climbing the lifeguard tower i i think that the film crew found us they were a good 50 yards away and were oblivious to the fact that we were there i stood up and waved faked a blush like we were being naughty as this half naked chick with a knife was hidden below me she was not pleased and had a knife i was mentally saying goodbye to my currently not stabbed body and was praying it would stay that way the cameras were on though she knew she had to play nice lest her crazy be known to all she hid the knife stood up and giggled the date continued we played laser tag i elected not to give her my number at the end of the night tl dr chick drew a knife on me halfway through the night and asked me to stab her i met a girl online she seemed reasonably attractive and fairly easy going so i figured hey why not we met at a local coffee shop and chatted for a few minutes before a mutual acquaintance of hours happened to show up out of nowhere and begin talking to the two of us turns out they were both in aaa together and i then proceeded to learn her long and sordid history of alcohol abuse and the real reason for her wanting to date her exact words were i'm trying to replace my boyfriend who died this summer so the guy decides to invite himself along for our date neither of them asking me if it was cool for him to do so we end up driving to a bar a fine thing for a couple of recovering alcoholics to do and the entire time they're playing the absolute most god-awful music on the radio i can't think of i'm in the backseat this horrible crap is blaring over the speakers while the two of them are chatting and i'm thinking to myself dear god how can i find a way to get out of this so we get to the bar and they proceeded to drink coffee and play a hockey while i tried to think of a way to leave i ended up faking a cell phone call from my friend saying i needed to go because she was in the hospital the girl then proceeds to freak out at me for bailing on her during our date at which point i just stared blankly at her for a second blinked and walked away ha ha nice reaction at the end the summer after graduating from high school i went on a date with a girl i had been friends with for a while we decided to go to a fair a few towns over we walk around eat some fried foods go on a ride or two things were going great and many laughs were had we then went on a ride similar to a zipper salt and pepper shaker lots of spinning upside down and so on about halfway through the ride the funnel cake i had earlier decided that it did not want to remain in my stomach with her sitting next to me i commence throwing up and then we flip upside down and my bath comes right back at my face i had enough sense to keep most of it away from her as she emerged from the right puke free i did not we have now been dating for over six years are currently engaged and will be married next summer that's awesome i'm glad you didn't chicken out out of shame lots of guys do that met a girl on an online dating website seemed normal enough take her out to dinner for our second date after having good conversation on different topics she casually says i don't usually show people this so early she then proceeds to pull out a book where all the pages are afraid i'm like oh cool what book is that it was something i can't even remember but the next thing she said was i eat paper and i eat this book i tried to play it as normally as i could and asked her questions about it ended the date with a hug now that i think about it it wasn't the real deal breaker but still what the frick i went on a date with a redditor we met up got dinner saw a movie and went back to my place to just hang out and chat long story short he got on my computer got on reddit and one awkward hour later i drove him home y'all if you aren't impressed with a date just let them know don't read it at their house awkwardly and act really weird no bueno reddit a wife on the first date my friend r set me up with a blind date we were going to go double dating with him and his girlfriend talks me up on how hot she is and how she looks like my type later on after getting some pizza and soda i meet my so-called hottie it was my cousin we looked at each other and just started laughing i never had our set me up again i went on a date with a girl crashed at her house after no hanky-panky and was woken up by her irate hispanic boyfriend at about 7am the next morning the odds of that happening are one in a million things were going good i mean real good the city was celebrating its glorious playoff victory the local heroes were one win closer to winning the stanley cup women were shall i say juiced about the victory liquor was fuelling the celebration and breaking down inhibition barriers enter me enter her me so pretty fun night hey her yeah too bad the bars closing soon me yeah her i have my friend's place to myself tonight wants to come over me wait what 30 minutes later kiss kiss hug hug her do you have a condom me number her there is a store up the road here are my keys by now xxx me okay 30 minutes later ah where did she live again one of my workmates was always talking to his sister on the phone at least once a day i chimed in on a few conversations and she laughed said i was funny so we arranged a blind date when she first arrived to the restaurant she insisted on meeting separately i saw a splitting image of my workmate wearing a wig i had the hardest time trying to get the image of my workmate out of my head throughout the date we start talking and the conversation is fun and somewhat lively for dinner i order pie because frickit i like pie i ask her do you like pie she responds with a scowl and cold shoulder i'm thinking that it's a little weird so i follow up i love pie i'm an empire again she responds with the same cold shoulder she doesn't talk until the food arrives and i dig into my pie she looks at me confused and says did you say pie or pot um what about pot i mentioned i love pie a look of relief flows across her face as she explains to me that she thought that i was talking about wheat this seems odd to me especially since i participated in marijuana legalization protests in college so i inquire deeper into her standoffish attitude regarding weed it turns out that she's considering becoming a nun i'm an atheist this is her first date ever not for me by far and she's never kissed anyone we're 23 at a time so this is somewhat understandable except for the none part i decide to play along for the rest of the date i kind of felt sorry for her at this point we walk back to her place she invites me inside covering the back 10-foot wall is a 10-foot shrine to the virgin mary right next to her bed she tells me to sit down on the bed and she starts awkwardly kissing me i keep looking over at this huge statue of virgin mary staring at us along with images of my workmen in the back of my mind it was too awkward too weird i wished her a good night never talked again first date beautiful ice blue eyes curly blonde hair german as frick with a very thick accent she was very skinny but wearing baggy clothes so i didn't think much of it and germans wear weird crap right the date goes awesome we eat some food during which he keeps going to the bathroom then we eat some ice cream during which he also keeps going to the bathroom then we go for a walk and hold hands and eventually we end up checking into a matrimonial suite at a youth hostel we are making out when suddenly and she stands up and backs away from then she says in her thick accent do you like that you see and takes off her clothes it is at this point that i realize that she has an eating disorder and she is wildly sickly skinny she starts begging me to have sex with her and i think to myself wow this is really a pickle as i have no sexual attraction to her anymore but i don't want to be in butthole and have her put her clothes back on because she clearly has some major body issues so i start kissing her touching her and generally trying to both defuse the situation while also not rejecting her at one point she tries to get me to finger bang her but here's the craziest thing her vagina was completely dry and so tight that i couldn't even get her finger in i remember asking her how she fit tampons and then she said oh i haven't had a period in almost a year somehow an hour later we ended up rey clothed holding hands and fell asleep on the bed i think i was pretty gentle about it and we kept up in emails for a little while afterwards she always seemed fairly positive towards me however now i always make sure to check for that but i always make sure to check for that but ladies we're only looking out for your health let's keep this short and simple went home with a girl i met at a bar as i was leaving her apartment she introduces me to her roommate my ex my very first date ever we went to see the passion of the christ dude you have to practice years to do one night stands at the difficulty level i had my first date ever in ninth grade all planned out with a girl i really liked when i was running through the plan with my friends they reminded me how socially awkward i was and that if i couldn't carry the conversation throughout the date there wouldn't be a second one so me being the smooth guy that i am i decide to prepare by googling how to talk to a girl and conversation starters an hour or so before the date but i was too nervous to memorize the questions so i wrote them down on my palm for future reference we went to a sushi place at her suggestion of course i say i love sushi to convince her i am a sophisticated and worldly gentleman but i'd never had the stuff before turns out that green substance they put on the side of the sushi roll is not in fact guacamole it is wasabi sauce which i can only describe as a combination of horseradish fire and heck so i ate the whole chunk of it and there i am practically sobbing and oozing mucus out of my nose when i decide to distract her with a tactical conversation starter only problem is my palms were too sweaty and all the ink had bled i didn't notice while i was wiping the wasabi and used snot storm off my face so now my face was covered in blade ink and snot while she stared blankly at me wondering what to do i saw myself in the reflection of window and i was in so much pain and so mortified that i just started crying we ended up having to call my mom to pick us up early shut up i was in ninth grade and drove home in silence except for the oldies station my mom had playing on the radio but my mom let me use her sweater to wipe my face off we ended up being friends later on in high school and laugh about it now to this day she thinks i was only crying from the wasabi tl dr ate a whole bunch of wasabi thinking it was guacamole face covered in ink snot and tears of shame friends owned no number for jackachar dude that is hilarious my buddy manny did the same thing chowed down on a big glob of wasabi thinking it's gwack and nuked his sinuses for extra irony points he's half japanese and half mexican he should have been able to recognize either wasabi or guacamole what's your biggest fail when it comes to online dating i was talking to a girl who mentioned that she was into photography and i asked her to send me some pics she thought i was asking for nude so she deleted and blocked me i talked to a girl who lived in a town 25 kilometers away she was nice and pretty so i asked if she wanted to meet up and dhe said yes so we met up at a farm she was a terrible conversationalist i couldn't get her to talk about anything and when i talked about myself she seemed really bored i was halfway though a sentence before she interrupted me to suggest going to the takeaway shop in town we went there still terrible conversation decided to talk about my trip to london and that actually got her going she talked for five minutes about how she always wanted to go to canada as a little kid and that the next year she was finally going to get married honestly thought she was joking but later realized she was serious about it the rest of the date went pretty crap too we didn't watch a movie like we planned we watched the rest of the movie she had started watching the night before she took a bite off her burger and threw up in the toilet for 10 minutes because it was too greasy or something she then suddenly remembered she had to go pick something up from a mate 70 kilometers away and i needed to leave immediately so i did had no interest in dating her after that obviously the next day i decided to text and ask how she was cause she mentioned going through depression recently and i didn't feel right just ignoring her after that it's been almost two years since that date and i am still waiting on the reply and lastly my fourth date on a dating site went horrible as well i thought this girl was perfect and we actually spent the whole day together when i got home we still talked and i thought it was a sure thing two days later she stopped messaging me all together and told me the day after that we need to break it off because she recently started seeing someone else and feels bad just abandoning him like that it broke my heart but we remained friends i asked her out again a week later and she said yes we've been together a year and a half now this right here that's exactly what this thread was made for amazing i met with this very attractive woman off upper middle class tinder bumble she was way hotter than me at some point during the evening she leans forward on her bar stool narrows her eyes and goes i know there was some reason i swiped right on you because at this point she could not remember putting all my eggs in one basket once i start a conversation with one person i just stick with that person until i know it's not going to go anywhere i can't deal with trying to remember stuff about two plus people at the same time i don't mind though if the person i'm talking to is talking to more than one person as long as if we're on a date they're not on the phone to them or mixers up casually dating multiple people is exhausting plus i always get drunk and mix up details between them and women do not like that i matched a girl who looked really cool and complimented her hair she responded with something along the lines of i'm so glad you messaged me most of these guys just match and never message i've seen almost exactly the same line before from bots so i assumed she was a bot and said something snarky about it she replied upset and then unmatched me someone once asked if i was a bot i replied bleep blue pillow and they unmatched me whatever i'm hilarious her husband you have no idea how many neglected wives are out there online and they love to admit the fact that they have husbands watch out for the milfs she'll break your heart and her husband will break your neck not being exciting or witty enough in the text game in real life my expressions and demeanor save me not so much online i'm the opposite i'm so smooth over text but super awkward in person my texting personality and in-person self are basically two different personas which is probably off-putting she was being flirty but i just kept asking how's your day going what are you up to and other generic questions until she stopped and never messaged me back step you freak game up son chatted with them a year by phone once we met we had nothing to talk about and it was the most awkward encounter of my life sometimes chemistry fails to translate to viral if it was a good fit you would still have had topics of conversation oh man the first time i contacted someone it was via the onion personals which were really a thing in 2005 i just made fun of a band she said she liked i wrote something like my only problem is that you are into band she replied as she should have my only problem is that the only thing you offer is a criticism i still cringe getting hundreds of matches on tinder but not going on a single date with someone i initially met from the app i always match with ads matched with someone on a dating website before tinder got to talking seemed like a chill dude even though there were red flags he insisted we were dating before we met and i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone agreed to meet up with him at a cafe by work organize with my receptionist she would ring me at an allotted time and tell me i had to come back to work so i had an out met with the guy for coffee it seemed well enough then my girl rang me so i told him i had to get back his response was i've got my work done here do you want to jump in the back and have a quickie i noped out of there and went back to work a couple of months later he ended up coming into my work to see my boss i made polite small talk with him then when he left my boss called me into her office to ask how i knew him it turned out he was married to my bosses niece and i dodged a freaking bullet update sorry to leave you all hanging boss believed me and we never spoke of it again i was too embarrassed to raise the subject again because i keep my private life private and her because i assume she kept that crap between her and her niece my boss was also a black belt in jiu jitsu so not the person to frick with yes i should have known better when he got possessive straight out the gate but i was young insecure and lonely it's not a crime to want to be wanted but good lord was i a naive fool dated a guy who was in a policy phd program confirmed who had a law degree confirmed but had left practice because he didn't enjoy it nope had been arrested for a federal hate crime as a neo-nazi and was ineligible to practice thank god for google i'm slightly leery of trusting google like that completely i'm a regular working schmuck with no criminal record but someone with my identical name was arrested and convicted of corporate embezzlement from his own company or something like that when i connected spotify my bumble profile and unbeknownst to me three of my top 10 artists were the wiggles high five and blippi pretty sure i missed a few connections because of that do the propeller do the propeller i thought i had a pretty sick pickup line which was you're so cute you make a baby deal look like a pile of crap needless to say i'm still single thanks man i needed that laugh using plenty of fish the free dating site it was like the neto or dating sites i chatted briefly with one woman before telling her i was going out for a few drinks next day i checked my messages and she had sent some it started with why don't you come round to mine and get drunk together progressing to why are you ignoring me then i think you're gorgeous and we will be good together and finally don't you freaking ignore me i sent her a message the next day to never contact me again went on a date with a girl from tinder one time who told me that she found children very attractive after that i stopped mentioning that i had a child on my profile and took down the pic of me and my daughter and just brought it up with the girls that i felt were likely to stick around after meeting in person i tried tinder stopped when it was searching so wide it started showing me women in neighboring countries didn't get a single match i used tinder and bumble and it's now showing me women way outside of my radius and most of them live in a different part of the country and are just around for the weekend 0 a i was 18 just registered to tinder because i wanted to get my first girlfriend and stuff then i match with this beautiful girl from switzerland she is staying in the city for two days and want to meet at her hotel to have a fun time during the afternoon my 18 years old self didn't see anything fishy in that so 30 minutes later i'm at her fancy hotel waiting for her to come down to pick me up but she says she is waiting for her mom to leave so i wait for about 20 minutes and i see an old man checking out of his window so i text the girl that there was a creepy old man being afraid that i was going to rob the hotel or something haha 10 minutes later she tells me that another dude is arriving and that she invited him before me but he couldn't come so she invited me after so we would have to decide between the two of us who would get the girl i saw the guy arriving a handsome looking mid-20 guy and so i started to explain the situation to him and that we should just play rock paper scissors or something and not think too much about it and he accepted hahaha i was so surprised he lost i won and left without a word the girl then tells me that in the end her mom isn't leaving so we cannot meet i text her it's okay and wish her a good end of holidays and that maybe we will meet in switzerland one day who knows 20 minutes later i receive a text from the girl telling me that in fact she was a dude the old dude that i saw looking out of his window he was a retired man with no real hobby and had fun doing this kind of thing and watching sometimes dudes even fighting to get to frick his fake profile he never told anyone but me because i didn't insult him and i resolved the problem with the other guy pretty simply so he knew that i wouldn't get mad at him if he told me after that i talked to him for an hour about how he should find another hobby like gaming reading or something and after that we never talked again i felt really sad for him in the end because he didn't have any family or friends but all this was really fricked up but since then i never tried to meet an online girl directly at her hotel that's an amazing story dude finding a wonderful guy and then cancelling the date last minute because i wasn't over my ex jokes on me we rematched 10 months later he gave me crap about my behavior last time and told me because of that i had to come up with an idea now march will mark our one-year anniversary tell us how you find the wonderful guy we need pointers assuming that the stupid okay cupid match percentages meant anything i did a bunch of the questions and being a person who believes in numbers and statistics mostly attempted to chat up guys who were apparently 80 90 similar to me 50 plus messages over a eight month period and three unsuccessful dates but it worked out in the end i reached the jane goodall observing primate behavior level of not giving a duck saw the decently attractive man around my age also so many people try to get with you despite being 20 years older with an interesting profile and a 70 match and sent a question about his work we're married now my husband and i were matched at about 67 part of why i didn't reach out to him initially apparently you and i had a similar experience i always made my bio too long i really took the time to type it up even after realizing no one read them i had more fun making the bio and answering the questions than using the site for what it was for ocupid also couldn't stand one word answers and ended up writing paragraphs i'm really bad at talking to people through text i guess i end up befriending the girls i meet instead of dating them to me a girlfriend should be a friend too but that doesn't work for most people so i just have a lot of friends now which is all cool until you end up crushing after one of them who doesn't feel the same way about you a girlfriend should be your best friend i don't really understand when people say they're so isn't a friend thank you for the gold stranger merry christmas guys keep wanting to come over to hang out i live alone not comfortable having someone i never met over it's a major turn off for me therefore conversation ceases there hahaha as a guy i'm scared of meeting people in real life or private settings too i realize the risk is bigger for a girl but i'm still scared of accidentally agreeing to spend my time with a crazy person most of the fails are typical not super hot guy problems almost no matches or messages depending on the site the biggest fail in my ex we spent 5.5 years together i was super supportive of her getting her on her feet in life covering expenses for the first two years until she stabilized helped her find her first job helped her through college helped her get her first job after college helped her with her first job after college but then the moment i start struggling with money finding a job we move across the country for the one she got she kicks me out i mean i was struggling for a while about a year a month after she kicked me out i managed to land a job good times one time i chatted with an actuary risk manager but i thought he was an aviary a giant bird cage so he blocked me i was 20 ah reminds me of the time i learned the hard way that a [ __ ] is not a person from mongolia i went on a tinder date with a chick one time and her profile gave off no red flags and the way she messaged and texted also gave off no red flags i get to the bar and she looks a little different but i'll let it slide she begins to tell me she forgot to take her bipolar meds so she shouldn't drink too much then proceeds to have five long islands by the end of the night she tells me she wants to come back to my place so we go back watch a little tv and her phone rings she silences it i didn't think too much of it then it rings again and again i finally ask and she says that's my old man he couldn't hold me down i tell her okay well i'm not one to get between people and i offer to buy her an uber home she whines for a while but i was done with her on this date the uber eventually pulls up and i walk her outside and what a coincidence here comes her old man the guy comes at me trying to get in my face and she starts yelling at him calling him a psycho for tracking her phone they start arguing pretty bad and i slowly start backing away within five minutes they were making out in the back of the uber which btw i got charged 15 for making him wait and he eventually told the uber to go he was gonna drive her home and there was that i went back inside hit my bong and watched rick and morty with my cat now that's how you end a story talked with a guy a lot over text for a long time getting pretty close one time i was doing shopping with a friend and we decided we would go see the last star wars movie before heading back to her place to get ready for a party sent him a text asking if he'd like to join us for the movie i didn't realize he had to catch a train came in late smelled terribly kept trying to talk to me during the movie i hate that tried to convince my friend to leave us for the night but i was supposed to sleep at her place and he didn't live in the city i didn't want to be left alone with him because he gave me creepy vibes after that i told him i didn't want to keep in touch and kept sending me drunk texts even after months of no contact saying i was the move of his life ended up calling me a bee and then apologizing by making a website with a letter on it i blocked his number agreeing to meet up with a guy whose profile said he was in prison for several years for a non-violent felony high school me was chew whoopi tell us the tale please sending too many texts and scaring them away i now know how annoying it can be time zone differences don't mean you have to send a million messages at a time they could be working or sleeping or just out with friends make profile zero matches give up and delete wait one two years make profile no matches give up and delete now that one hundred percent of the platforms lock you out of messaging unless you're being matched first online dating is pretty much dead to me i went on a date with a girl and two weeks later she died of acute pancreatitis i'm convinced it's because she went on a date with me getting a free trial of tinder gold on an account i'd had for at least eight months in three main geographic locations and proceeding to swipe right on every single one of the guys that had liked me all 2 500 of them nothing other than anecdotes and thousands of messages has come of it yet oh also i did this at 9 pm the night before a huge college math exam procrastination at its finest comma 2500 cries with zero after months girl sends one word message hi okay it's not easy starting a conversation so no problem i reply with a medium length message i comment about some interesting hobby mentioned in her profile and ask for more details i tell her about my day some other random stuff overall a good effort the next day she replies hi how are you she was pretty we met online dated for several years we had our issues but we always worked them out on christmas morning yesterday she was in a foul mood told me to take the presents she bought me and to leave her house didn't even want to open the presents i got her including a diamond engagement ring it still hurts this morning ouch that hurts to read hope the situation clears itself up shed probably sad about it too if she knew what you had in mind i tried tinder for a while after a month or so i contacted and was talking with this girl and things seemed to be going well we had similar interests in music and movies similar sense of humor etc eventually we were talking about hobbies and i casually mentioned i played magic the gathering immediately unliked like she had time to receive a message click the menu and hit unlike that fast she knew you have no money for dates expecting an instant connection from text one and then being disappointed not meeting up or going on a second date when there aren't fireworks the first time you meet for coffee don't get me wrong instant connection and a spark upon meeting is definitely possible but far more often two people with zero personal or physical connection are meeting for the first time off an online dating site they need to figure out if they can physically exist in the same space comfortably before seeing if there are any romantic or sexual sparks there i think a lot of people mentally skip this step so when they do meet someone from online they can have a pleasant enough time but because so much of that first date was just taking that person in and getting comfortable they won't necessarily feel chemistry and then get disappointed i had a nice time chatting but i didn't feel anything if the conversation was there and you enjoyed the other person's company go on the second date and those elusive feelings may actually arise because now you're over the hump of being comfortable in the other person's presence if you still feel nothing after date two then no harm no foul go your separate ways i think a lot of potential relationships die before they can start because we have this preconceived notion that you must feel something right away and if it's not there immediately it's not pursuing only met up with one from all the matches i had he looked like orlando bloom got so nervous although he was very nice to me turned out he just wanted sex and i left haha you made the right decision please please please post recent photos of yourself my one friend's online picture show him 40 pounds lighter from a few years ago my other friend's photos show her from 11 years ago she thinks she looks the same she does not and they both wonder why they are not having success with online dating i went to go meet this girl for the first time and i go to pick her up it's dark outside and i stop in front of her house as i am waiting for her this girl opens the back door of my car and sit in the back keep in mind it's dark outside so i say hi and tell her it's nice to meet her and if she would like to sit up front she's insisting she's okay in the back and we should start driving i find this kinda strange that she wants to sit in the back as if i am her driver i keep insisting that she should sit at the front and it's strange that she's wants to sit in the back again she says she's okay in the back and i should drive at this point i figure at least she in my car and maybe she's shy because it's our first date i start driving and i am having small talk like how was her day and i am glad she decided to meet me she's giving me short answer and quiet for most part we are approximately an hour drive when i ask her if she's okay going to this restaurant i know at this point she's goes i only called you because i need a ride i am not here to date anyone so i am really annoyed by now and i tell her i am not her driver and i only came to pick her up because we were gonna hang out and go eat something now she's also annoyed by now and tell me if i don't stop the car she will call the police and is ready to jump out of my car i pull over and tell her she's crazy if she think i will drive her home when this was supposed to be a date she tell me i don't date random uber drivers long story short the girl that sat in my car was a different girl as she mistook my car for an uber that was supposed to pick her up thank god i had the dating app to show her imagine she start screaming and called 9-1-1 secretly and i get surrounded by the police at least i had a great story to the when i went back to pick up the right girl i have a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor that works great when i can use vocal inflection and body language but a lot of the time i just seem like a prick of its read over text here's a different kind of story was on a dating site talking to this guy for about a year i'm not hugely confident so took me that long to suggest we meet his response was to delete his account about a month later an account with a similar name messaged me it was him he apologized and asked if i would forgive him he'd just be nervous and would like to talk again we talked for another six-ish months with me thinking i'm leaving it up to him to suggest we meet eventually we met both quite scared pitted off and chatted the whole night he proposed a little under three years ago and we've been very happily married for a year and a half what first aid behavior is a deal breaker i think when they don't even ask you about yourself maybe that sounds weird but i had a date that would be constantly talking about her life and friends and whatnot i would ask her questions to but she never once asked me about anything my boyfriend has a friend like this she literally never wanted to ask questions or get to know me unless i offered up details about myself even then she'd turn the convo back to her possessive behavior if this is how you act with someone you've just met how would a relationship with you be tldr when he hands you his wallet with lots of cash in it to show off when he takes you to a strip club when his friends show up on your date and when they spike your drink went on a first date a few years ago he took me to an exclusive members only club bought the most expensive bottles of wine handed me his wallet to pay for the wine then excused himself to go to the bathroom all so i could see how much money he had and he had well over 2 000 pounds in there i thought that was weird but chalked it up to him trying to impress me in a weird way i wasn't after that he took me to a strip club where the bar staff knew him by name i was incredibly uncomfortable but it got even worse when two of his friends just coincidentally bumped into him at the club sat with us then hired strippers to sit on their laps i stayed five minutes then excused myself to the bathroom the plan was to come up with an excuse to leave as soon as i got back i returned took another sip of my champagne which i'd stupidly left unprotected before heading to the bathroom stayed another five minutes then said i had to leave they tried everything they could to get me to stay but i refused as soon as i stood up i felt lightheaded and finally understood why my drink had been spiked i panicked and walked off with my date following me desperately begging me to stay a little longer he then offered to get in the taxi with me and escort me home i refuse i got to the taxi rank got into a taxi and we had a heated conversation with him offering to escort me home and me responding with i'm a big girl and can take care of myself a taxi driver must have sent something was off any intervene telling him i'd said no and that was that he drove off asked for my address got me home safe and sound by then i was passed out in the back of the taxi i don't remember how i got indoors but i remember waking up on the bathroom floor the next morning feeling perfectly fine no sign of a hangover or anything which solidified my belief i was never drunk to begin with and was definitely spiked in the voice of comic book guy worst first date ever that is completely fricked up glad you got home safe could have been a disaster showing up late and not texting ahead of time you're not playing it cool if you're 20 minutes late without saying anything the amount of anxiety that would give me especially as i'm a person who has to be 15 minutes early once i was talking to this girl online and things were going pretty well so we decided to go for dinner i showed up to the place five minutes early so i waited and kept waiting texted her 15 minutes after we were scheduled to meet but didn't get a response waited for another 45 minutes then left she messaged me later saying that she wasn't there because she lives in indonesia i live in new jersey finding out that the reason why they asked you out is because they wanted to make their ex jealous but to make it worse she had her friend invite the ex-boyfriend as well yikes at that point i'd tell the ex what she's doing so he can run smelly greasy hair and no effort in appearance if the first date isn't important enough for you to even shower then how important will the relationship be to you 100 agree last date i went on pre-covered he turned up and washed and in a wrinkly shirt the shirt didn't really bother me the deal breaker was his pungent body odor showed up late getting all done up told via text it was in a ratty hoodie and her clothes smelled musty super shy quiet barely spoke even when asked innocuous questions until the movie started then she wouldn't shut the frick up kept staring at me and asking the dumbest questions like how'd you get so tall do you like movies so yeah that sounds like someone who popped something that took a little while to kick in dang starting the date by saying that you've cleared your entire weekend just in case this date works out and i'm free no pressure making me do all the work conversation wise i don't mind being the lead driver but you need to at least pull your own weight i've been on some dates that felt more like interviews i would try everything i could to get an actual conversation going but they ended up as q and a sessions i went to see a movie with a girl who i'd been talking to for a few weeks we went to see a movie and she started sucking her thumb like a baby while watching the movie i'm thinking weird take i guess but okay halfway through the movie she gets really emotional drops to the floor and starts rolling around like a toddler after about 10 minutes she gets up and acts like nothing happened i don't know what to say at this point at one point during the day she's telling me about another date she went on where she saw her friend halfway through and was speaking to her and the guy just walked off without saying bye or anything as she's telling me this we bump into a girl she knows they are talking for a bit and i try to introduce myself but she cuts me off to talk about something different they're both acting like i'm not even there this goes on for freaking 30 minutes half an hour of me just standing there like a [ __ ] as if i'm i don't know either of them while it seems like they're both actively ignoring me i try to say goodbye but it's literally like i'm completely invisible i figure at that point either she didn't like me and somehow planned this intervention from her friend to save blatant turning me down or she's just a rude person so i just walk away i get on the bus to go home and i get a message hey why did you walk away i was 17 at the time and it's the strangest date i've ever been on to this day halfway through the movie she gets really emotional drops to the floor and starts rolling around like a toddler after about 10 minutes she gets up and acts like nothing happened what the actual freak when we plan an actual date where we meet up somewhere and at the last minute they bail but wait they're still free all you have to do is go to their house b no so basically manipulation if you manipulate me just once i'm done i'd say if i'm not worth leaving your house for this isn't going to work a guy where i worked was hitting on a girl on the lunch truck for over a month she phillies said she would go out with him so for the first date he took her to her xxxp show apparently she excused herself to go to the bathroom after a few minutes and never came back i felt so sorry for her i would have been scared out of my mind to be with someone that off my mom had this happen to her she said no over and over to this guy until finally she gave it a shot and said yes he took her to her porno drive-in and then tried to pretend that he hadn't known him that they should stay she absolutely refused and pitched a huge fit so he will take her home asking me to suck his dong before even having a real conversation this actually happened to this day i still don't know how to say his name or where is he from ugg i've been there it's annoying to get ready for a date and then just leave two minutes into it when i ask someone out on a date especially a first date i expect that i will pay for the date if it's a restaurant i don't make a big deal about me paying and i don't care if she makes any offer to pay or not it's okay if i pay or she pays or we split but i'll assume i'm paying and at least sincerely try if she's okay with it but it is a deal breaker when i think she's assumed i will be paying and orders extra expensive stuff because she thinks it will be free to her my buddy went on a date and the woman ordered two entrees so she could take one home for later brazen about it that's just taking advantage of someone which is absolutely a deal breaker if someone does this it's pretty indicative that they for some reason believe they're entitled to the other person's generosity and they have zero respect for it i'm someone who will always pay for the first date but if someone was being blatantly disrespectful like that i'd leave them with the bill keeping talking about herself and the same subject evening went on a blind date once and this girl kept talking about a single trip she made five months prior and her dang bunny it's all cute and stuff but when i tried to say something about my pets or travel experience it would always go back to her also when i tried to steer the conversation away from anything but those two subjects she'd return after four minutes somehow big turn off going on a dinner or lunch breakfast etc date and ordering nothing because you ate before you came or aren't hungry it's incredibly awkward to be the person on the other side of that since you showed up hungry and now you're supposed to just eat in front of the other person like that's not weird if i'm ever single again and this happens again i'm just going to go home i once made dinner for the man who sat there not eating anything and then said he had to leave early because he had a dinner date and i never bothered to even speak to him again on my first date with a guy he proceeded to tell me he'd had sex with 16 women and i could be lucky number 17 and then told me he generously rated me a six stroke 10 solid move dude solid move this wasn't a first date as she had told me she just wanted to be friends after that but we did one friend date after and this basically killed it let's go to chick-fil-a orders something for herself and then asks me if i want anything yeah i'll just have a shake we get a window and she turns to me i'm kinda broke and don't have that much on me can you pay i would be fine with it if she had just asked me before if i minded buying her something but to phrase it like she was the one paying and then switching it up on me i'm just being used to the server gotta cancel that sandwich it will be just the shake thanks well on one first date i had the dude told me he used to be in a gang and killed six people drove us into oncoming traffic told me that there were three loaded guns in the car this ride lasted at least 45 minutes there and back and told me he was bipolar and was not taking any medication for it but the deal breaker was when he stopped to get coffee at taco bell the most distressing fact i learned was that taco bell sells coffee apparently some women can have profoundly poor hygiene and also apparently there are smells that i am unable to power through i wouldn't even judge a little body odor if it was just that i mean she could be nervous or just forgot the deodorant or something if that were the case but i'm talking a foul miasma that lingered in my car for a couple days somewhere between horse girl and smash player she also didn't wear underwear because of it being too much of a hassle lol i'm sorry i lost it at smash player lol i went on a date once with a guy who seemed lovely funny interesting and charming we had dinner and ordered a bottle of wine about 45 minutes and i went to pour my second small glass of the evening he picked up my glass downed it in one and said one glass is enough for a woman i need you sober for what i'm going to do to you later there was not a second date reading these comments has simultaneously eliminated my dating anxiety can't really screw the pooch worse than these guys they are setting the bar pretty low and made me lose more faith in humanity crossing a simple boundary i placed had a first date where a guy held my hand while i was driving and i said i'm not really much of a hand holder and put my hand back on the wheel he took my hand back and said thank you for your sacrifice this dance went on for the rest of the date this guy also lifted his sweatshirt to reveal a t-shirt that had jesus on it which said i never said that and asked what i thought of his shirt felt like a weird test rudeness to anyone they're supposed to be on their best behavior at this time so it's a major red flag if they're not trying to be if they're rude on the first date it's safe to assume they are on their best behavior best to just relate my all-time favorite worst first date and ultimate deal breaker a friend set me up on a date w one of her co workers that i'd only met once at her place of employment the only time i had available was a saturday right before my yoga class so we agreed to meet up at a place i'd never eaten at mind you the date who'd eaten there before suggested a place that was near where my class was i show up wearing my yoga clothes no pockets loose fitting sweat no pockets and a small four by five inch fanny pack no pockets relevant later we have lunch everything was going great then just before the bill arrives the date goes to the bathroom comes back still having a great time we finish our meal the bill comes 50 stroke 50 split all of the sudden the dates can't find their large motorcycle type wallet w their money in it then proceeds to accuse me of stealing it while they were in the bathroom and putting in my pocket i stood up pointing out that i didn't have any pockets opened my fanny pack to show other than 20 bucks my id and gym membership card it was too small to fit anything as big as your standard size motorcycle wallet it didn't matter that i had 20 witnesses who verified that i never left my seat much less the restaurant the idiot date proceeded to throw a kevin carron-sized tantrum demanding to search my car so i gave the waitress maya then had her call the cops to escort me and the idiot out to my car and proved i did not have the wallet or anything else in there idiot comes back in cop takes a report leaves and then idiot proceeds to claim that the waitress and i are friends and in cahoots that we stole it and the waitress is hiding the wallet in the back i reiterate you chose this place i do not know anyone here i've never been here before since i'd only brought enough to cover my meal i ended calling my stay at home mother sister to come there and lend me enough cash to cover the whole bill skipped my yoga class and went home in a huff called my friend told her what happened she was shocked monday rolls around idiot gets to work opens their desk and boom there's a wallet idiot call me to say i'm so sorry and wants to know if can we please have a do-over date my response oh heck to the no insult me by calling me a liar and a thief stiff me w the full 40 dollars bill invade my privacy by demanding to search my car you had your chance you blew it and you can rot in heck for all i care i can't believe he had the nerve to ask for another date lol showing up to the date late on sea broke and hoping i'll buy them liquor then expecting i'll be cool hanging at her place with her and her boyfriend because he is pretty chill that is how my last date went scraping at the bottom of the barrel doesn't even begin to cover wtf i just read one-sided conversation aka myself driving the conversation constantly and them putting in zero effort or giving one-worded replies always on their phone reeking of city's drugs talking about their ex all the time making zero efforts to even be entrusted being more than 30 minutes late without notifying me this isn't necessarily a date but we went out with a group of people one time and a few of them just berated the wait staff for absolute nonsense nope not hanging out with you ever again but sticking with that i always try to notice how people treat waiters especially if a mistake is made if you are cool about it you've made a good impression on me i think seeing how someone handles an error is a really interesting measure if someone can kindly report that there is a mistake or in the instance of a small error eat the meal anyway that says a lot if he's driving driving really fast on purpose one's in the restaurant obviously rude to wait her and afterwards if he tries anything super sexual i've had dude pull their dong outs literally outside off bj's two first dates stand out first one we met on tinder talked for a couple weeks and hit it off fairly well meet up for first date and there's three problems she doesn't look like her picks smells like a hundred-year-old ashtray that's never been emptied and approximately 30 minutes and she pulls out a kilo of coke that she was supposed to bring to some guy while we're on our date and asked if i wanted some after i rudely ended our date she gave my phone number to all of her friends her brothers and her father after weeks of threat from them i finally got p and told her father to stop threatening me for telling off his coke dealing spawn he immediately apologized said that he thought she was out of that life and said he'd never bother me again he also told everyone else what had actually gone down and they all apologized in time second one was going great at first we were getting lunch and talking about random stuff when she brings up her exes more specifically their penises she described in graphic detail the fact that she had never been with a guy that had a small penis compared her first boyfriend to a 16 ounce bud light can and her most recent ex to a foot long hot dog from sonic literally she then said that she was tired of massive freaking dogs and said that the main reason she wanted to go out with me was because she wanted to try out something small and before i could excuse myself from her life she attempted to grope my crotch in the restaurant let it be known i had never spoken about my penis nor had she seen it after i managed to get away i blocked her on everything i'm surprised someone would offer you coke from a brick worth tens of thousands of dollars whoever that is for ain't freaking around and will undoubtedly weigh it trying to force me to kiss you by grabbing my face so hard that it leaves thumb shaped bruises on my jawline for two weeks literally kissing me with an unhinged jaw and being all tongue see harry potter basilisk trying to eat you taking me to a secluded spot and whipping your dong out to play with it just bc i had kissed you a few times then not stopping when i wanted to leave serious lack of self-control there telling me i could be hot if i tried working out a little bit because i had the makings for a hot body he wasn't even fit himself your real name not being what you told me it was when we met and first chatted online eta he changed it to sound hot bc he thought his real name was why he wasn't getting matches dates making me listen to you loudly recite poetry as if it were open mic night in a brightly lit bubble tea cafe political religious debates even if i agree with your views just know eta not a conversation the topic itself is fine for me but not ranting and holding a one-sided debate i'm going to pretend all of this was one guy completely different beliefs and politics i've had multiple guys bring me a bible and segway into asking me to dinner to teach me about the lord they never understood why i wasn't excited missionary dating is the worst any comment that suggests they're insecure about themselves i.e a criticism of something that's clearly projection i bet you got your job by batting your eyelashes i've been trying to get into x job for ages and it's too hard or anything that tries to or succeeds in making me second guess myself my instincts i once asked her first date to leave and let me eat in peace because he started lecturing me on not eating a burger if i wanted to look like my skinny like a 12 year old boy sister rudeness patronizing behavior arrogance talking about exes like seriously if you ain't over them then take that somewhere else and away from me talking about an ex or only talking about themselves and not expressing any interest in me sometimes i think guys think a date is a time to brag about how smart you are or how great you are just be relaxed when in doubt ask her about herself and be a good listener hopefully she will do the same if they spend the whole time looking bored and disinterested at least pretend you're having fun or tell me you want to go home don't make me sit here uncomfortably for two hours and give me one word answers constantly talking about all the conspiracy theories they believe in no chaz it isn't a commonly held belief that all of the us president descended from the same bloodline if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] foreign

Channel: UE Stories

Views: 515,745

Keywords: wtf dating, worst date ever, worst date ever story time, worst date story time, worst date, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh, reddit stories 2021

Id: 9ycirNkhTg0

Length: 213min 11sec (12791 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 02 2021