Jim: Jessie... Why don't you hang out with anyone? It's like... ...you don't want anyone to get close to you. Narrator: A reclusive shut-in... ...with a powerful secret. Jessie: Anyone I touch becomes incredibly strong, to the point of being invincible. No one should have that much power. Narrator: An eccentric businessman... Doug: Hey, Elsa, think you're gonna take off those gloves today? *snotty laughter* Narrator: moving up in the world. Malcolm: Anyone I touch becomes incredibly sick. Usually... to the point of death. Narrator: A mysterious stranger who knows why. Stranger: I've been following you for some time. I know what you are. Narrator: And a battle... Jessie: Tell us what's going on here. Narrator: ...there's no turning back from. Stranger: It's all very simple. The two of you must destroy each other. Narrator: See the most disturbing film of the year. Not because of its commentary. Not because of its psychological portrayal. But because it's not based on anything. Both: What? Narrator: I said it's not based on anything. Jessie: It has to be based on a comic! Narrator: It's not based on a comic. Malcolm: It's gotta be based on a movie. Narrator: It's not based on a movie. Jessie: Maybe it's based on a show that wasn't bad, but wasn't great, but still deserved more of a chance. Narrator: It's not based on Pushing Up Daisies. Jessie: Damn it! Malcolm: How can we take a gamble on something without a fanbase? Stranger: You'll just have to be interesting. Jessie: No! Stranger: Unpredictable. Malcolm: No! Stranger: Not relying on nostalgia. *table smack* Jessie: You inhuman monster! Stranger: *maniacal laughter* Narrator: Starring... A Black Guy Who Was Always Written As a Black Guy Malcolm: Wait, I wasn't originally written as a white dude? Narrator: No. And A Woman Who Was Always Written As a Woman. Jessie: Wait, I wasn't originally a white dude? Narrator: No. Malcolm: How are we supposed to cause controversy on the internet? Narrator: You actually have to say something new, Both: *gasp* Narrator: relevant, Both: *gasp again* Narrator: and rely on word of mouth AFTER it comes out. Both:NOOOOOOOO!!! Narrator: Face the horrors of... It's like a bad dream. NC: HMPH!! Oh, thank God. NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. In 1965, a primetime Western comedy aired on TV called "Wild Wild West". And that's all you need to know. The movie has no connection beyond that. Based on the series about a duo of cowboys who get into gun-slinging adventures, the movie goes for a slightly different take, with Will Smith as the lead, a steam-powered wheelchair with a drunk Kenneth Branagh attached, and a giant mechanical spider blowing up cities with fireballs. That's the big screen adaptation I would think of with a show like this. Jim West (TV show): Don't judge a house by its shutters. Artemus Gordon (TV show): And how about windows? NC: Not only was this known as the worst film from Kevin Kline, the worst film from Kenneth Branagh, and the worst film from Barry Sonnenfeld... for the moment ...but this was the movie that busted Will Smith's success streak. After leaving his smash show and making gigantic hits all in a row, this was the first film to have us say, "Damn it! We have to hate Will Smith in something!" Granted, we would eventually get used to that feeling... NC: but this was the movie that started it! Did the show even have that big a following to throw this much money at it? Did they think kids were really gonna get excited for a Western from the 60s? It's one of Hollywood's biggest headscratchers. So what the hell went wrong? Well, saddle up and get ready to cry into the sunset. This is Wild Wild West. NC: And you immediately lost me. How'd you do that? How'd you d- Was that a second? Was that even a second? That was amazing. What would make me want to know what happens to a man with a hubcap neck brace being chased by a plastic pizza from the Ninja Turtle toy? This movie raises questions. Like: Why would I want to watch this movie? We then cut... *buh dum bump* to Will Smith making love in a water silo. (Chuckles) Trust me. This isn't the only time a large group of people will taste Will Smith not giving a shit. NC: Mmm, that's good algae! West: I'm not working. NC: Oh, don't worry, Will. Nobody will think you're working when you're in this film. Girl: Problem solved. West: Hold on there, Belle. You can't just go ramming a man's personal things into some hole like that. NC: Actually, this film was PG-13 before that meant PG, so you might want to change that. That works. But it just be raining black people in New York as he falls out of the silo and onto a bunch of smugglers. Man: Well, well. We got us a shy nig- Samuel Johnson: What did he say? Olson Johnson: The sheriff is near! *ta-da* NC: He wants to figure out where these smugglers came from, so he traces them back to a brothel where... KENTUCKY FRIED JESUS!! Gordon: (in a high female voice) I'm very flattered, but I'm just not interested. NC: Okay... Does this Western take place in progressive times or is that honestly supposed to fool us? Gordon: (in a woman voice) Oh, I'm so sorry. That won't be possible. I have uh... tonsillitis. NC: (Imitates Gordon's woman voice) I identify as unfunny. Man: You gotta be interested. You're a whore! Gordon: (normal voice) I work alone! NC: Huh. Thought you were above the obvious booby trap line, huh? Well, don't worry. There's plenty of other unfunny lines to make up for it, like when we see how Donald Trump inspects his wives... Hey, he sacrificed a lot. and one of the henchmen chooses Kline. Oh, hey! Now we know how Michael Bay gets people to see his movies. You ever really step back and look at Megan Fox? Gordon: Now tell me.Who was in that sack in the other room? Which scientist is it? Is it Dr. Escobar? Who do you work for? Who paid you to kidnap Escobar? NC: (As Gordon) And tell me who's stopping me from being humorous until Bob's Burgers! Smith interrupts, but a wagon of explosions is sent hurtling towards them. West and Gordon: Now what? NC: It blows up the tavern and... we'll just assume they survived. Yeah, it's kind of like Batman in a death trap. Who really cares how he escapes, outside of everybody? *hip hop music* NC (as West): Hey, everyone. Um... I was looking for the tone. Does anybody know the tone? I'm getting kind of a Baz Luhrmann-Mel Brooks thing. Is that what we're doing? I mean, I see Kevin Kline in more obvious bad makeup, so I didn't know- ...oh. Oh, OH, OH, we're supposed to fall for that. I mean, uh, who is that person obviously not Kevin Kline? NC (normal): Yeah, he does a dual performance in this as both the spy and President Grant for... honestly no reason except to give the impression that he's great at disguises. Gordon: (as President Grant) I am the President of- (as self) I'm Artemus Gordon. How did you know? West: The President went to West Point. That says Harvard. NC: Also, you're... terrible at what you do. NC: Yeah, the comedy behind these disguises doesn't work if they're THIS obvious. How much funnier would it be if when he's dressed up like a woman, they hired a real woman? Like his makeup is that good? Or even if he's gonna look like himself, why not have the voice of a real woman come out of his mouth? There's like a million ways that this could actually be made funny. But nope. Instead, they're just like, "Hey, did you see Fierce Creatures? Neither did anyone else! So we can steal from that!" President Grant: One day it's going to get you killed. NC: He talks about all these kidnapped scientists, and, of course, wants Smith and Kline to work together because "ha-ha". West: I don't need Intelligence to tell me that. Gordon: No, you'd rather rely on stupidity. Grant: Look, you two are the best I've got. NC: (confused) Really? Grant: Find this madman, whoever he is. NC (as Grant): And please do so with half the props from Jackie Chan's Around the World in 80 Days. Otto: Asshole! NC: Smith catches up with Kline's awful green screen, but Kline's awfully pointless trampoline floor leads to Kline's awfully unfunny knee-slapper. Gordon: How nice of you to drop in. NC (As Gordon): Do you like that line? I got it from Fuller House. Gordon: I'm just putting the final touches on my latest invention. NC: Comedy? Gordon: The Impermeable. NC: Yeah, I knew you would make that. So they put a light in a man's head to see the last thing he saw before he died... ...and realize that they have to go to a costume party to figure out who's the villain behind it. West: I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General "Bloodbath" McGrath. Gordon: An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white Southern former slave owners. NC: Yeah, why did the President choose a black guy to blend into the Deep South? But, per Kline's ever-expanding fetish, he wants Smith to dress up as a woman. Gordon: Afraid you're wrong. Touch my breasts. Just one. Touch one. West: Okay. You happy, Gordon? I'm touching your breasts. Driver: I knew it. Gordon: Wait, wait, wait. Squeeze it gently. Not that hard. NC: Let's measure the awkwardness from the faces you're making right now! You might notice a lack of laughter and an inability to find joy. You'll find that your face has entered the "Dazed and Abandoned Mode." This is when you slip into a hypnotic state of annoyance where you want to be angry, yet all emotion has been drained from you, to a point where you don't even care or remember why. Gordon: Now you've shifted all the buckwheat around. West: Buckwheat? That's your problem. Now touch my breast. NC: Upon further inspection, we now see that your face has entered the "Hollow Mode." This is where your mind has left your body, leaving you, like the movie, an empty hollow shell. You feel nothing, want nothing, so will take nothing. Gordon: Ooh. West: Huh? Now that's what a breast is supposed to feel like. Gordon: Very nice. NC: The next phase is called the "Dead Mode." You are physically dead right now. You have surrendered your life to this awful moment, and it has claimed you. You discover that the afterlife is bleak and meaningless. West: Now touch yourself. Gordon: Oh, my God, I'm hard. NC: And finally, we have the "Zombie Mode." Just when you thought death was the end, it turns out to only be the beginning. The pain, suffering, and long-lasting thirst for blood will lead you on a quest to search for brains, but find none from anyone who has been associated with this movie. I'm sorry. I'm... just sorry. So Smith sneaks into the party, where he sees a dancer, played by Salma Hayek, being forced against her will to make love to a man and even gets choked to partake in his kinky sex games. Well, sucks to be her. Off you go, Will Smith. Sometimes a bitch just gotta be choked. Mae Lee: What a terribly clever costume, Mr... West: Jim West. NC (As West): Yeah. Kinda wondering why I snuck in here if nobody was going to question why I was here. Mae Lee: West meets East. Mae Lee East. West: Ma'am. NC (As West): Oh, by the way, there's a woman getting strangled and ...eh, never mind. Mae Lee: See anybody that looks familiar? West: As a matter of fact, I do. NC: (normal) Her name is Joke Everyone Can See Coming Where It's Actually A Lady This Time And Not Kevin Kline In Drag. It's Norwegian, I think. Give our villain some credit for having arguably the weirdest FUCKING entrance everyone's ever seen in a Western. Girls: (singing) His truth is marching on! NC: (Chuckles) I don't think Bugs Bunny could've come out that smoothly. *slide whistle up* Dr. Arliss Loveless: Don't you just HATE that song? NC: I feel like Branagh missed his true calling as a Whack-a-Mole. Loveless: Why, you all look like you've seen a ghost. NC: This is Dr. Loveless ...because every doctor with the word "Love" in his name has to be in a wheelchair... and he seeks revenge for the South losing the war. Smith however, plans to stop him by making obvious jokes. West: I find that an occasion to stand up. Loveless: I haven't seen him in a coon's age. West: A man of your stature to keep in touch with even half the people you know. Loveless: Perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment. West: They encourage you one minute, then cut the legs out from under you the next. NC: (as Loveless) Your mama's so fat, she almost ate the black off you. (as West) Your mama's so fat, you're in a wheelchair! (normal) So, Smith tells Kline to meet him outside. Kline being obviously here and not here, but the film thinks we don't know that. West: You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddle. NC: Keep holding my hand, movie. Make sure I don't poop myself. In fact, they think you're so dumb that they actually end up doing this joke twice. Maybe they think the first time they did it was so subtle that they just had to spell it out more. Gordon: Hang him! NC: As the crowd wants to hang Smith for touching the woman's breasts, but figure it's crueler to let him hang himself, for there is a solid two minutes of Will Smith just talking on its own, and... it's painful. It's so painful. It's like watching a flame war on the YouTube comments: Not funny, not smart and everybody loses. West: The whole drumming on the boobies thing. All I was saying to the gal was, "Nice dress, darling. Good to see you. My name's Jim. How's your mama?" NC: You can actually see Will Smith's worth dropping with every joke that bombs. West: The whole slavery thing, I don't understand what the big deal was anyway. I mean, come on. Who wouldn't want folks running around doing things for them, doing chores? Then there was the Redneck comment. First word: Red! Color of passion! FIRE! POWER! Second word: Neck! NECK!! Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody gonna help that poor man? *tada-da* NC: But Kline saves him, while also saving Hayek, as apparently, nobody can catch up to this incredibly slow-moving carriage of non-speed. Slower! SLOWER!! Rita: My name is Rita Escobar. I came to find Guillermo Escobar, the scientist. My father. NC: By the way, if you haven't noticed yet, Hayek's performance is not exactly the most invested. Rita: I'm a frightened, starving, half-naked young woman who only wants to find her father. Nice try, buster. What's going on? Oh, aren't you boys nice? NC: You'd swear she's focusing less on her acting and more on eyeing the catering table. Like the faster she finishes, the faster she can get to that delicious cronut. But what do you expect when you look over the director's chair and all you see is this. Yeah, he's off to figure out how not to work with Tommy Lee Jones. *ding* NC: Branagh approaches his Confederate henchman, but it looks like the movie wants to kill itself as much as we do. McGrath: You sawed-off sadistic bastard! Loveless: You surrendered at Appomattox! So who betrayed whom? NC (As Loveless): As one half of Gary Oldman, both literally and figuratively, I need my evil to outweigh my practicality. (normal) And how's this for a joke? He kills the guy with the horn in his ear as the dog takes a look, recreating the RCA logo. That'll get all you young'uns rolling in the aisles! *sigh* Every minute, this movie brings a new sigh I didn't know I could make. But, HEY! After 50 minutes of boob jokes, steam tanks, and exploding Abe Lincoln heads, let's get serious for a minute. Gordon: You saw it? West: Heard about it. A week before the war ended in '65, I was with the 9th Cavalry. We discovered old folks, women and children slaughtered. They used them for target practice. NC: Women and children used as target practice! Wild Wild West! When I stroll into the Wild Wild West! Oh, man, this movie's really saying something. Obviously, it really earned this super dramatic, grim moment. Let's allow the emotion of this incredibly disturbing imagery to sink in... ...with jokes about Salma Hayek's ass, which immediately follows. Gordon: God, the curvature of her buttocks... NC: Not even kidding. The very next scene is just making jokes about her ass. Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass. West: You said "ass". Gordon: She's a breast of fresh air. West: Let's just get some shut-ass. NC: Totally makes you forget about the whole "women and children being used as target practice"... fuck! I do wish more movies would mix Pluto Nash-style humor with Holocaust imagery. You know, this film is so harsh and empty, I feel like Nietzsche wrote something about it. Well fucking said. NC: So, it looks like Branagh's train tries to attack our heroes. but Hayek, being quite the whiny little cry-baby, uses the gas ball to accidentally knock out Will Smith. Gordon: Jim. NC:(confused): I...uh... *clears throat* Did we miss a scene? Loveless: What a marvelous train. You don't mind me borrowing it, do you, gentlemen? Aside from a lack of wheelchair access, I find it a most comfortable way to pass the long miles from here to my laboratory... NC: Uh, yeah, try monologuing BEFORE the train leaves. I'm not sure how much of that they're gonna pick up. (as Loveless from far away) and then I will take this side, and that side *indistinct* ha ha *more far-away monologue* pineapple head. (normal) So, like before, a buzzsaw flies towards them to try and take their heads off. And here I thought those collars were used to stop them from chewing off any more scenery. They outrun the saw, but the magnets seem to go haywire in their collars. Gordon: You alright? West: Yeah, I'm just peachy. C-Can you help me get my boot off, please? Hey! HEY!! Gordon: Oh, sorry. West: All right, Gordon. I'm gonna undo your belt. I'm gonna run as fast as I can that way, you run as fast as you can that other way. Gordon: Let me make sure I understand your plan. You're gonna run as fast as you can that way, and I'm gonna run as fast as I can that way. NC: So, um... *clears throat* Was there anybody left in the theater at this point? Was there any one person who was like "I wanna see where this is going. *stutter* I put my trust in this, that this will lead somewhere worthwhile."? Even the insects who eat off the theater floor are like... Mosquito Doug: Hey, where did all the people go? Mosquito Malcolm: Yeah, there's usually more food on the ground than this. Mosquito Tamara: Is there a reason that the projectionist just hung himself with the film strip? Mosquito Malcolm: Could it be that this movie has something to do with it? Mosquito Doug: I don't know. Let's watch. West: Gordon, I think you need to calm down. Gordon: I can't be calm! No, no, no, no! I'm the master of the mechanical STUFF!! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID stuff! Mosquito Malcolm: *deep breath* *dies* Mosquito Doug: Oh, that's just selfish! Who's gonna gas me? NC: So they escape and finally see what Branagh has been working on this whole time. A great, big, mechanical spider. I would cut to my Dr. Smith character doing the traditional "SPIIIDERS!" thing, but, honestly, I don't think it's worth the makeup. I know it's not. So, Smith and Kline try to leap into action. West: You do know how to ride, don't you? Gordon: Yes, I know how to ride. West: A horse? Gordon: Yes, when the situation calls for something primitive. West: How about now? There's a gigantic spider stomping toward our President. NC: And in that very moment, right after saying that line, Will Smith realizes, "I said yes to the script." Look at his face, you can totally see it in his eyes. You fucked up, Will. The spider makes its way to the president with Branagh steering it. President Grant: Good Lord. NC (as Grant): That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. (normal) They do to Will Smith what should have been done to this movie, as we're stuck with several long minutes just hearing Branagh prattle on. Loveless: The wrongs will be righted, the past made PRESENT, the United DIVIDED! NC: Okay, if I wanted to watch Branagh overact and not know what he's saying, I'd watch Henry V. Loveless: We make this as legal as possible. And, personally, I like the symmetry of it. NC: Oh, yeah, I forgot. It's a Sonnenfeld movie. So, we have to have WEIRD SHOTS for the sake of just having weird shots. I usually don't mind, except that he's WAY too in love with this one angle. Seriously, count how many times they cut back to his pillow-cheeked mug spinning around like a drunk bumper car. Loveless: (sped-up) 1776, wasn't it, old bean? Manhattan, for a handful of beads. How. The wrongs will be righted, the past made present. *crowd cheering* And, personally, I like the symmetry of it. NC: Why would anyone keep cutting back to the same shot of a person just sitting down? *ding* Smith realizes the movie left him, so he tries to figure out a way to sneak inside the spider. And it's... *sigh* Just watch. NC: Yep, a very select number of nightclubs are made very happy right now, while everyone else watches in awkward discomfort. What I love about this scene is that Branagh's been addressing this gigantic crowd of people this whole time, and then, he just stops out of nowhere to get horny, and forces everybody to watch him. It's like if a football coach was giving a speech and was like: (as coach) I want you to look deep inside yourselves and find that special- Ooh, a hot cheerleader! Football player: Um, coach ...are you okay? NC: (as coach) Everything stops when my pants are jumping! F.P.: Well, uh, can we at least go? NC: (as coach) YOU WILL WATCH MY ADVANCES!!! Hey, baby. Loveless: Well, what a nice surprise. NC: (as Loveless) Hey, there. I made a bunch of racist comments earlier to a man who looks just like you, but I'm suddenly gonna forget all that and say hubba-hubba! Oh, you kid! (normal) But the break-out plan doesn't work Well, *desk slap* actually, it does. They just go through the same pattern of dumb lines and getting captured again. Because if it's broke, don't fix it. ...resulting in Smith fighting off his henchmen while Branagh destroys a random town. (as civilian): Huh. Don't know how we didn't see that coming a literal mile away. I really should pay attention to more current events. West: That's it, no more Mr. Knife Guy. NC: So, which Game of Thrones death would you like to give this movie? Red Wedding's always good. The Poisoned Goblet, always a classic. Have they ever stuffed a horse inside somebody? But it's okay, because just as Smith looks like he's about to get axed off... Henchman: *scream* NC: Um Your guess is as good as mine. I have no idea that was. I guess if you explain anything anymore, the terrorists win. But Branagh turns into a spider himself... Because that ONE idiot who watched this all the way through has to be punished somehow... But the machine gets out of control and walks its way off a cliff. Branagh is killed, Smith and Kline are awarded by the President, and we're all reminded that Salma Hayek was in this movie, oh yeah. Rita: I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you. Professor Escobar is not my father, he's my husband. NC: Well, *sigh* so, not only did she contribute nothing, like, at all... but she was already taken this whole time. This quote/unquote "twist" is so lame that even the main characters point out how it makes no sense! West: You could've told us that from the beginning, Rita. Gordon: Yes. NC: Look at the expression on Kline. He legitimately has no idea why this was a thing. Her character, the romance, why she lied about her husband being her father, Not ONE goddamn answer! Gordon: Yes. NC: I think they cut before he grabbed the camera and stabbed anybody who dare look him in the eye! And... what high joke do they go out on to end the film? Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question? West: Actually, I do, Artie. NC: Um, I'll share it with you when they actually give one. NC: COMEDY! *desk smack* That is what this was meant to be, right? This is one of the biggest high-budget cinematic question marks. At least with most bad, unfunny films, you have an idea of what they were going for and it just didn't work. This is like an anti-comedy. Just scenes that happen and they're not really sure if they're funny or adventurous or dramatic, just as long as you're somehow suffering. The chemistry between the characters is non-existent, the effects are not very good, the jokes are uncomfortable at best, and the amount of dead air in between them could fill the spaces between stars. And on top of all of that, it's based on an idea that I'm sure is fine for its time and has a small audience, but very clearly had no success guaranteed in any part of it, even with all the money and celebrities. To put this comedy simply, I just don't get it. But at the very least, we know it can't do anyone else any more harm. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme-
Mosquito Doug: Hey, buddy. Could you, like, use that can of Raid on me? NC: Uh, sure. Mosquito Doug: God bless you, sir. *dies* NC: (confused) I remember it so you don't have to. Coming next week, it's a review of all the Looney Tunes movies. Every single one that's ever hit the theaters. But, you can see it now under Vessel's ad-free early access. Just $3 a month to see tons of people's videos early, as well as a bunch of other extra features. Check it out and get the early scoop. Doug: Hey, Doug Walker here doing the Charity Shout-out. The week we are doing The Starlight Children's Foundation. Since being formed an Australian children's charity in 1988, this foundation has brightened the lives of seriously ill and hospitalized children, young people, and their families throughout Australia. Living with illness or injury can cause enormous strain in the lives children and their families. The pain, loneliness and isolation that sick children feel dominates their lives. And they often miss out normal experiences that healthy children take for granted. Starlight proves programs integral to the care of seriously ill children. While health professions focus on treating the illness, Starlight is there to lift the spirits of the child. Giving them the opportunity to laugh, play, and just be children again. If you go to their website or especially their YouTube channel, you can see all the adorable, beautiful children that deserve so much love and so much laughter. These are good people trying to bring so much joy in to the world, and you can help them do it. Definitely click on the link and see what you can do to help these wonderful people out. Take a look and see how much love there is to share.
