A great shave at a great price conveniently delivered right to your home... ♫ I'm crazy! ♫ ♫ Oh, God! ♫ ♫ OH MY GOD, NOT THE BEES!!! ♫ ♫ Boom, boom, Nicolas Cage! ♫ ♫ I am the Nicolas Cage! ♫ ♫ Hot damn, you've just been upstaged! ♫ ♫ I laugh and I rage and I break every gauge! ♫ ♫ Nic Cage, I'm on a rampage! ♫ ♫ Nic Cage, deranged! ♫ ♫ Nic Cage, you'll scream "Hallelujah!" ♫ ♫ A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H! ♫ ♫ Nic Cage, it's my golden age! ♫ ♫ Ridiculous Nicolas Cage! ♫ ♫ Your sage, your sorcerer mage! ♫ ♫ Engage, my name is ♫ Wait for it... ♫ Nicolas Cage! ♫ Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Why do I keep falling for Nicolas Cage movies? There used to be a time where when he was good, he was amazing, and when he was bad, he was still amazing. He was one of the most entertaining people to watch. But then, he got into making so many of them that the Cage magic was spread too thin. Bilbo: Like butter scraped over too much bread. Critic: It wasn't as much fun anymore. Nevertheless, I still looked forward to them. Why? Because I'm a friggin' dumbass. No joke, if anyone ever involves a celebrity in something I like, I always fall for it. Hello? Nicolas Cage(?): Hello, it's Nicolas Cage. Critic: The Nicolas Cage?! I will in no way question this! Nicolas Cage(?): Naturally. I want you to join me and Tony Goldmark in the other room. We'll dress like bears and sing DuckTales in Egypt. Critic: You got it! Nicolas Cage(?): Oh, by the way, this call is collect. Tony: Because I just collected your dumb ass! [Laughing] Critic: Goddammit, Tony! No wonder they call you Some Jerk With A Camera! Tony: And I got it all on camera! [Laughing] Critic: Well, great. You exploited my very specific foible. Tony: And it was amazing! [One last ha] Critic: So you flew all the way out here just for that, huh? Tony: Yeah, in hindsight, it didn't really justify the cost. Critic: I mean, plane tickets, gas, hotel- Do you have a hotel? Tony: I slept on the roof. Critic: Good God, man. Tony: You mind if I stay here until I crowdfund my way home? Critic: Yeah, sure. Tony: God bless ya. Ooh, The Sorcerer's Apprentice. You know, Critic, in the course of reviewing Disney rides, I also sometimes review their movies and other projects. Critic: Good. Thus, in 2010, Nicolas Cage gave us another dull-saster with The Sorcerer's Appre- Alright, get over here! Tony: Whee! Sorcerer's Apprentice! In 1940, Walt Disney released perhaps his most audacious experiment in a career of audacious experiments. Fantasia, heralded by some as Walt's masterpiece, combined classical music with classic Disney animation in ways no one had seen before. And its most famous sequence is The Sorcerer's Apprentice, starring Mickey Mouse. Critic: A simple story about a janitor who almost destroys the world, it featured the mouse who started it all in his red robe and blue hat magically controlling the cosmos, becoming one of the most iconic images in Disney's illustrious history. Tony: Then 7 decades later, this presumably happened: Nicolas Cage(?): Disney, I wanna play a wizard. Black Chart Guy: Well, we can certainly do that. White Chart Guy: Yes, we have a live action version of Sword in the Stone. Nicolas Cage(?): No. Black Chart Guy: Black Cauldron? Nicolas Cage(?): No. White Chart Guy: Wizards of Waverly Place? Nicolas Cage(?): No! Black Chart Guy: A Wicked style Jafar movie? Nicolas Cage(?): NO! White Chart Guy: An all-male Hocus Pocus reboot? Nicolas Cage(?): I wanna play Mickey Mouse. White Chart Guy: What? Nicolas Cage(?): Mouse. Black Chart Guy: No. Nicolas Cage(?): Yes. Black Chart Guy: OK. Nicolas Cage(?): Just run it by my agent. He says yes to everything. White Chart Guy: We noticed. Nicolas Cage(?): Thanks, guys. Anthony: This is gonna be awesome! Oh, man, I cannot wait to see where this one leads. Critic: Thus, we got a movie that has little to nothing to do with The Sorcerer's Apprentice called The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Tony: Directed by John Turteltaub... Critic: You mean the same guy who directed?! Tony: Oh, yes. 3 Ninjas! Critic: SCORE! Tony: The film was trying to cash in on hugely successful cinematic updates of Disney properties at the time, like Pirates of the Caribbean and... Pirates of the Caribbean. But where that movie had at least some connection to the original source material, this... Critic: Had a dancing broom for a minute. Tony: Authentic! Critic: Let's take a look at why the magic is gone with Sorcerer's Apprentice. Tony: It opens with a prologue so complicated, you'd swear they were trying to squeeze in 5 other movies into this movie. Narrator: The fate of mankind rested with the just and powerful Merlin. He taught his secrets to 3 trusted apprentices: Balthazar, Veronica, and Horvath. Critic: This is Ian McShane, by the way. I figured I'd introduce myself because I have no idea what character I'm supposed to be in this. Nevertheless, I'll still leave a bigger impact than Pirates 4. Narrator: Morgana la Féy, Merlin's most deadly enemy. Tony: Well, that and Transformers 5. Merlin: We are but servants. Critic: I'm gonna assume that's a different spelling. But the way this movie goes, it wouldn't surprise me. Horvath: Merlin. Merlin: Horvath. You betrayed me? Critic: Yeah, nice read there, Spirit Halloween Storebeard. This is why the Borg Queen is assimilating you. Tony: This movie's in such a hurry, they dissolve from one shot to the exact same shot. Now, I hate it when movies do this. This was clearly a full scene at one point, but it didn't work, so they cut it down in editing and tried to make it faster... And that's why we should all go to Mitt Romney's house dressed as hamsters and convince him he's a hamster, too, when his entire human life has been a dream. Critic: Whoa, you really went off on a tangent there. Tony: Yeah, I'll fix it in post. Narrator: Veronica sacrificed herself for Balthazar by drawing Morgana's soul into her own body. Balthazar trapped them both in the Grimhold, an inescapable prison. Critic: That you can buy at your grandma's antique store. Critic: So Balthazar, played by Cage, searches the world for Merlin's successor, the Prime 𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘯 that will one day defeat the trapped Morgana. Tony: But he'll in no way use his powers to stop the atrocities of history. Narrator: For mankind will never be safe until Morgana is destroyed. Critic: Maybe you can use those powers to stop 2 World Wars if you have the time?! Tony: Slavery, genocide? Those'll sort themselves out. He's gotta keep the world safe. Flash forward to our young protagonist being awoken by his corporate masters, heading to school. IN THE YEAR 2000! Critic: This is David, a boy who's so new to dating that he asks a girl out the same way a girl would ask a girl out. Yeah, where's the box for "I would like to be David's restraining order."? But the note blows away and David chases after it. David: No! No, lady, don't! Tony: I guess I could just ask her since she clearly already knows I wrote it, but I need the receipt for my taxes! Critic: But he comes across Merlin's magical shop of Gremlins-reading-The-Neverending-Story as he looks at all the mysterious wonders. Like, look, a decapitated little girl's head. ♫ Na na na na na! ♫ Tony: He literally bumps into Cage who, as you would expect, is a little quirky. Balthazar: I have something I'd like to show you, Dave. David: How'd you know my name was Dave? Balthazar: Because I can read minds! Critic: OK, movie, Nicolas Cage is one of those people you do not need to overscore. Tony: Yeah, he's already his own strange music. A magic ring clings to his hand meaning he's the chosen one. David: No way. Tony: Because God knows why your actions should make you special, he's just chosen! Critic: But an evil villain is released as well. David: No way. Critic: Is that all this twerp says? [Clips of David saying "No way."] Critic: This kid really knows his vocabulary from A-A. Horvath: That's not very sporting of you, Balthazar. Balthazar: Where's that doll? Critic: Oh, apologies, I guess I could've just looked down. Tony: Question 2: How'd it get burnt?! HOW'D IT GET BURNT?! The evil Horvath, played by Alfred Molina, manages to fight Cage back. Horvath: I'll have that doll. Critic: ♫ Da da da da, da da da da! ♫ ♫ I am Nicolas Cage Sparrow! ♫ Tony: Molina throws fire at him only to find out fire doesn't hurt him. So why did he throw fire at him? Critic: They both get sucked into the magic urn and David leaves the store and coincidentally comes across his field trip. Kid: Ew, he peed his pants! Kids: [Laughing] David: A jar broke! This is just water! Kids: [Laughing] Critic: Oh my God, that kid's laugh is terrifying! Is she eating somebody's soul while laughing that hard? Tony: Hey, you leave her alone! She's a good friend of mine. Critic: Really? Tony: Yeah, she grew up into a lovely woman. Look. Woman: [Laughing] Critic: Was she just standing there in silence until you addressed her? Tony: It's best not to question her. Woman: [Still laughing] Critic: Mmm, she's freaking me out! Woman: [Still going] How did she?! Tony: I told you, it's best not to question her. Let's just continue the review. Woman: [Not stopping] Critic: Cut to 10 years later, where David has grown up into man seeking plot, Jay Baruchel. Tony: A shame his voice didn't grow up with him, as it constantly sounds like 2 geese fighting over rye bread. [Clips of David's whininess] Becky: Is everything OK? [Honk] Tony: He lives with the unsuccessful prototype of Ned in Spider-Man: Homecoming and comes across an old familiar face. Dave: I'm sorry, it's... Becky? Becky Barnes? Critic: Bucky Barnes?! Tony: Hang on, I've always wanted to do this! Longing Rusted Seventeen Daybreak Hey! David: We were in fourth grade together? Becky: Yeah. Critic: Yeah, in a bizarre twist, this is actually the scary girl that was laughing at him all those years ago. Woman: [Starting back up again] Tony: Oh, great! You got her going again! Critic: What do we do? Tony: Just let her laugh herself out. Woman: [Still laughing] Critic: Can we put a blanket on her or something? Tony: Go ahead. Critic: You do it. Tony: No. Critic: He helps her fix the college radio station she works at while Cage and Molina have a vase... off. Horvath: Cheerio, Balthazar! Critic: You'll take me to a lawyer to stop a Dresden Files lawsuit. Tony: Molina finds David, and tries to force him to give him the Russian doll, known as the Grimhold. Horvath: I'll cut the truth out of you. Critic: And at that very moment, the word nerp was created. Tony: He finally figures out the sorcery of opening a door and Molina sends wolves after him. Though, honestly, there's about a billion ways he could've just kept him in that room. But it's cool, Cage turns them into puppies! David: Puppies? Critic: If he could turn the wolves into puppies, how come he couldn't turn Molina into a baby? Tony: Because then, he'd have to raise him with Holly Hunter, and the Coens already have enough repeating. Critic: Cage flies in, though, on a pretty badass metal eagle. David: No way. Balthazar: Where's the doll, Dave? Critic: That's exactly what I want Nicolas Cage riding a badass metal eagle to say. Tony: They escape and Dave tries to take in the situation. Balthazar: I've been stuck in an urn for the last 10 years. David: So have I! A figurative urn of ridicule! Tony: That line of dialogue guest directed by Judd Apatow. Critic: It shows. Hey, here's a fun game. Try to spot the moment where Nicolas Cage actually seems invested in what he's saying. Balthazar: It is a prison for the most dangerous Morganians in history. Horvath wants to free his fellow Morganians and destroy the world. You have a very special gift. Tony: Trick question! There are no moments when he's invested in this! It's so weird. He just looks and sounds so bored. The whole movie is stunningly devoid of Nicolas Cage freakouts or any energy to speak of. You know how he likes to alternate between screaming and soft muttering? Here, it's just soft muttering for the whole movie. It's Nicolas Cage as a sorcerer! How is this dull?! Balthazar: Until he found a sorcerer who would inherit his power. Focuses your energy, helps you master new spells. You have to become the Prime Merlinean. You're going to set me free. Critic: You see, this is what I'm talking about! There's no more Nicholas Cage freakout movies anymore! I always think it's gonna be one, and it never is! Well, you know what? I'm not gonna be that gullible again! Hello? Sargent Slaughter(?): Hello, this is Sargent Slaughter. Critic: Yo, Joe! Sargent Slaughter(?): I was wondering if you wanted to team up with me and Devil Boner in the other room to travel to Africa and wrestle lions until their heads explode. Critic: You got it! I'll be right there! Devil Boner: [Laughing] Critic: Goddammit, you guys! Devil Boner: Hey, Jerk with a Camera! Tony: Hey, Devil Boner! You play one on him, too? Devil Boner: It's so easy! Tony: I know, right? He is so stupid! Tony and Devil Boner: [Laughing] Woman: [Joins in] Critic: Dammit, you got her going! Tony and Devil Boner: [Still laughing] Devil Boner: [Finishes laughing] Critic: So Cage gives Dave a crash course in... [Sigh] the science of magic. Actually, they do that surprisingly a lot in this movie. Balthazar: Everything we see is in a constant state of vibration, thus the illusion of solidity. Sorcerers can manipulate matter because they're born with the capability to use the entire power of their brain. We will the vibrations to go faster. David: Is sorcery science or magic? Balthazar: Yes and yes. Tony: No and no. When you try to shoehorn science into magic, all you do is make it less fun for the fantasy lovers and even more infuriating for the science nerds! Critic: We don't need to know the science of the Flux Capacitor. We don't need the engineering manual for the Ring of Power. Do you want midichlorians? Because this is how you get midichlorians! They go to Chinatown to see if they have any of that Mulan Szechuan dipping sauce. Bad news, they don't. Tony: Oh. Critic: So they decide to look for the doll which they trace back to an acupuncturist. This leads to a lot of comedic antics. David: Hi! Critic: Alright, that's all he could come up with. Let's see how Cage is doing. Cantonese Woman: Do you have an appointment? Tony: OK, his piss poor Cantonese is all the comedy we need. Critic: But Goro's less impressive 2 armed brother tries to attack. Oh my God, I have no idea how to train these! Balthazar: Be still. Critic and Tony: NOT THE BEADS! NOT THE BEADS! Critic: Jesus, Susan Sarandon's dragon from Enchanted looked more real! Balthazar: This is it. Yogurt: Use the Schwartz. Critic: The dragon is defeated just as the cops show up on the scene. Cop: Hey, what do you got? Tony: We had reports of a Nicolas Cage movie on the loose? Balthazar: Bottle rocket meets paper dragon in this Asian festival, and between you and me, cap, I think some of these folks were hitting the sake pretty hard. Critic: Glad to know his New York is as good as his Cantonese. Tony: Does he think New York is Boston? Cage takes Nerpface to a safe place to train him as he opens up the book to open up the book. Balthazar: The art, science, history of sorcery, including our recent history as well. Critic: OK, that was pretty cool. Tony: Yeah, give them a point. Balthazar: This is the Merlin Circle. Once you enter, there is no going back. David: So I should probably pee first? I can hold it. Critic: You know, the first time I did a Bruckheimer production, I was teamed up with Sean Connery. What life choices brought me here? Doug: You know, a lot of people have been asking me recently, "Are you Walter White?" And I say yes. So they ask, "Walter.", and I say, "Mr. Cranston.", and they say, "Sorry. How do you get your head so smooth?" Well, that's the Dollar Shave Club. I use the DSC Executive Razor and it's one of the smoothest I've ever used. And as someone who had a lot of hair to get rid of (yeah, a fair amount, I mean, between Kelsey Grammar and Patrick Stewart), I can tell you it really works. For a limited time, new members get their first month of the Executive Razor with a tube of Dr. Carver's Shave Butter (Because why would you live in a home without something called Shave Butter?) for only $5 with free shipping. That's a $15 value for only $5. And after that, the razor's only a few bucks a month. This offer is exclusively at: We all gotta shave, so you might as well do it for a great price while also having it delivered to your door. So skip going to the store and have the razors delivered to you monthly. Get your special deal at: I'm Walter White. Nah, nah, I'm just kidding. I'm Bryan Cranston. So check out the Dollar Shave Club today. Narrator: From the studio that brought you The Sorcerer's Apprentice comes the next big step in world building. David: Balthazar, I heard it down here! I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I don't know what to do! Balthazar: Stay here, you incredible pussy. I'll go check it out. ???: You think you're the only sorcerer in the world? Balthazar, you've become part of a much bigger symphony. Balthazar: Who the hell are you?! ???: Stokowski, conductor of the orchestra. Balthazar: Leopold! David: L...L...L...Leopold! Leopold: I'm here to tell you about the Fantasia initiative. Narrator: Start Phase 1 in 2018 with Night on Bald Mountain with Jared Leto as Chernabog. Chernabog: Fire! Tits! Skeletons! Demons! Skeleton demons with their tits on fire! [Cackling] I'm the devil! Agent: Mr. Leto, you're wanted on set. Jared Leto: I'm on set in my mind. Agent: Whatever stops you from mailing me sex toys. Narrator: And in 2019, Dance of the Hours with Scarlett Johansson as the ostrich. Ostrich: I was a dancer trained at the red room. At graduation, they sterilized me. I can never lay another egg again. Those hippos will pay. Narrator: Coming Year 2020, Jack Black is Bacchus in The Pastoral Symphony. Bacchus: ♫ Mmm, gonna fuck 'em all 'till the break of dawn, y'all! ♫ Narrator: In 2021, Selena Gomez is the Sugarplum Fairy in Nutcracker. Sugarplum Fairy: Oh my God, guys, I am a fairy! I just...wow! Narrator: In 2022, Daniel Day-Lewis returns to the silver screen as a dinosaur in Rite of Spring. Dino Rob: Hey, you can't prove who's under here. Narrator: And finally, in 2023, Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bach. Walter White: I want abstract imagery, not too vague, not too specific, spread out as far as the eye can see! David: No way! I mean, what are you, crazy? Walter White: You're goddamn right. Narrator: They all join forces in: Never has there been such a misguided franchise with so many celebrities attached. OK, there's been several, but this one's especially embarrassing! Bette Midler: Hi, I'm Bette Midler. Let me treat you like a dumbass by calling Salvador Dali the melting watch guy. Narrator: You're too early. That's for Phase 2. Bette Midler: Oh, my bad. Narrator: Right after we finish the Marvel, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Muppets, Pirates, and Disneynature cinematic universes. And also, our new animated films. And Pixar's. And like 50 live action remakes. But once we finish our live action Home on the Range, we promise we'll get around to it! Balthazar: You're lying, aren't ya? Narrator: Yes, we are. Balthazar: Yeah. Critic: So Molina gets the help of another magician called Drake Stone, an obvious David Blaine ripoff who apparently uses his real magic to entertain people. Tony: Fun fact: This was actually the same actor who played Dr. Doom in Fant4stic. Drake: My master disappeared when I was 15! Vanished! Left me with nothing but an encantus and some prescription-grade abandonment issues! Critic: I'm still taking him more seriously here. Tony: Me, too. Critic: Cage continues to train David when- David: Hi! Becky Barnes: Hi! David: We should go. Critic: Who's that? Tony: The girl from earlier. The Winter Soldier? Critic: Oh, right, right. That was this movie? Tony: That was this movie. Critic: I completely forgot. Tony: Eh, we all did. 25 minutes offscreen, we're reintroduced to Bucky Barnes- Critic: Just call her Winter Soldier. It's the only way I'll remember her. Tony: Sounds good. And we're supposed to just pick up where their non-existent chemistry left off. David: I think you'd better step into my cage. Tony: It might be a little crowded inside him, but there's always room for one more voice in his head. Critic: He shows how the electric coils, when positioned right, can actually make musical sounds. David: The coils are firing at such a high frequency that the sparks literally create sound waves when they fly though the air, which is... nerdy! Oh, I'm sappy. Critic: You know, he really is the poor man's Andrew Garfield. Tony: Andrew Heathcliff. Critic: Ooh, very good. Tony: The next day, when he's going to the bathroom, he's accosted by Russel Offbrand. Drake: Prime Merlinian, eh? You don't look like much. Critic: Oh, I'm sorry, miss, this is the men's room. But Cage comes to save him from both Molina and Borat Zoolander. To be fair, he does use probably the film's best sound effect. Why does that insanity work and none of the other madness does? Tony: Don't worry, it's followed by a stupid line. Balthazar: What are you doing here, Dave? Tony: Working on my master's thesis. What do you think I'm doing in the bathroom?! Critic: Well, that exposition in the opening was so much fun. Let's literally have it told to us again. Yeah, I'm not even kidding, everything that was said to us in the intro is repeated back to us pretty much for no reason. Watch. Balthazar: Morgana. She was making preparations for something that would enable her to enslave mankind. Merlin had 3 apprentices. I was one of them. Janosz: You've told me this. I've heard all of this. Balthazar: Until he found a sorcerer who would inherit his power. Balthazar: Until he found a sorcerer who would inherit his power. Tony: In all fairness, did you even listen in the beginning? Critic: No, because I'm sick of listening in general! I'm tired of people and movies taking advantage of me! Hello? Stanley Kubrick(?): Mm-hmm. Critic: This is world renowned director Stanley Kubrick? Stanley Kubrick(?): Mm-hmm! Critic: You've come back from the dead and are with Bill in the other room? Stanley Kubrick(?): Mm-hmm. Critic: You're gonna shoot The Nostalgia Critic Movie on the set of the moon?! Stanley Kubrick(?): Mm-hmm! Critic: I'll be right there! Stanley Kubrick(?): Mm-hmm. Critic: Woohoo! Bill: [Laughing in an mm-hmm manner] Critic: OH! Tony: [Giggling] Bill: [Finishes laughing] Tony: Speaking of bad jokes, take a look at this fascinatingly botched Star Wars homage. Horvath: You don't need to see my faculty identification card. Guard: I don't need your faculty identification card. Drake: These are not the droids you're looking for. [Laughing] Tony: The lesson, kids, is if you can't be bothered to think of something original, just steal something and admit you're stealing it. That's the same thing as actual creativity. Kinda. Critic: After we see the dog presumably piss on a Fantasia DVD, Dave realizes he has to get the place clean for his girlfriend. Tony: This is the plot now. And as you'd imagine, a mere 62 minutes into this Sorcerer's Apprentice remake, they finally remake The Sorcerer's Apprentice. 𝑷𝑶𝑶𝑹𝑳𝒀. Critic: Sucktastic is how I would put it. Tony: In Fantasia, the brooms went out of control because Mickey was off daydreaming. And not just any daydream, he was dreaming about being a god, controlling the cosmos, altering the fabric of reality to suit his every whim. Kinda like the real Mickey Mouse, come to think of it. What is Dave off doing while this while this Flubber dance is going on? Showering and brushing his tongue. Whimsical. Critic: Yeah, it's a little ironic that Mickey used magic to be lazy with his chores while Dave is using chores to be lazy with his magic. David: I command you to stop! Tony: Wow, that line read was so bad, it stopped the whole movie. Even that spray bottle is like, "I'm Windex and I could've read that line better." Critic: Oh, look, the shadow of him with the ax! They're so similar, I can barely tell the difference! Tony: Even that isn't done right! In the original, it was intense, like a friggin' horror film. He just whales on that thing until there's nothing left. Here, it's just slow, random, and dull. Critic: So the Mickey Mouse cartoon is actually more intense than the Nicholas Cage movie? Tony: What is world? Critic: Cage comes to save the day, making us realize if you cut the Sorcerer's Apprentice scene out of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, absolutely nothing would be lost from the story. But look, he has something pointy on his head! Authentic! Tony: This whole scene is like when a little kid retells a joke he heard 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑻 𝑼𝑵𝑫𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑵𝑫𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑾𝑯𝑨𝑻 𝑴𝑨𝑫𝑬 𝑰𝑻 𝑭𝑼𝑵𝑵𝒀! Balthazar: This...must...not...happen. Tony: Dave sends the Winter Soldier away, but for some reason, she is in no way bothered by this. Becky: Do you really think that one botched date was gonna make me hate you forever? Critic: You can just replace all her dialogue with "SUPPORT! SUPPORT! SUPPORT!" Tony: Originally, this was her stand-in. David: Are you afraid of heights? Becky: A little bit. David: Trust me. Yoinkyoink. Becky: [Silent gasp] Wow. David: Yeah. Critic: No, I mean I didn't know I could piss myself 8 times simultaneously! Becky: Do you remember when you drew King Kong on the bus window and he lined up with the Empire State Building? You saw the world in your own way. Tony: I am trying to find some reason to be attracted to you. Critic: But Molina ambushes Cage and takes the doll from him. Horvath: It's lighter than I remember. Critic and Tony: SO'S THE SOURCE MATERIAL! Critic: But Dave returns and they chase down the villains to get the doll back. David: OH! Uh...uh...uh...what the heck is this? Critic: Is he turning into a Mars Attacks Martian? David: Uh...uh...uh... Martian: Ack, ack ack, ack, ack ack! Tony: The villains escape and realize they need reinforcements to win, so they bring another friend alive to kidnap Dave's girlfriend. Abigail: I said I'd like to make a request. Tony: OK, this might work. Critic: Yeah, new character, looks kinda creepy and badass. Let's see what they do with her. Horvath: I need your power to free Morgana. I just don't need you. Critic and Tony: WHAT THE HELL?! Critic: We didn't even see how she kidnapped the girlfriend! Or use any magic! Or fought anybody off! Tony: Critic, Critic, Critic, they had to use that time for more important scenes. Critic: Like what?! David: I command you to stop! Critic: Oh, yeah, 'cause that got a big laugh! Woman: [Laughing yet again] Critic: Oh, shut up! Woman: [Still laughing] Tony: Dave tries to get the doll back while Molina watches on. Horvath: C'mon, Dave, you know the drill. Give me what I want and I'll let her go. Critic: You've seen this done in a million movies. We're not very original, so this'll be a million and one. Tony: Help. Critic: Silence. Horvath: Give me Merlin's ring and the Grimhold. Satipo: Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip! Critic: He, of course, hands it over and Cage realizes he has to take this on by himself. Balthazar: No one knows how much time they have... to be with the people that are the most important. Enjoy it. Critic: I have no idea what I'm talking about. Bennet: Bad time, Dave! Critic: Oh, wow, this film is just full of people I forgot were even in it! Tony: I'm still waiting for them to cut back to the disgruntled army general, the Olympic gymnast fighting for the girl's affection, and the CGI giraffe voiced by Larry David. Critic: None of those were in this movie. Tony: But for a moment, you thought they might be. David: This is very dangerous. Becky: I wanna come with you. David: You're sexy. Critic and Tony: Huh? Critic: Bad enough he has a voice as fragile as a Faberge egg, but couldn't you give him a slightly cool line? David: You're sexy. Tony: Move over, Tobey Maguire, we have a new... Critic: So Morgana is released while still in Veronica's body as she tries to raise all the dead sorcerers to destroy the world. Morgana: I cannot raise the dead until the circle is complete. Tony: Man, that is a goal-centered woman. No "How long have I been out?" or "What happened over the centuries?" or "Has Disney bought everything by this point?" But Cage tries to stop them and they have... well, there's only one way to put it: a wizard's duel. Mad Madam Mim: No disappearing! Tony: 𝗪𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗛𝗘𝗟𝗟 𝗜𝗦 𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗧𝗟𝗘 𝗚𝗜𝗥𝗟 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗧𝗨𝗘‽ 𝗜 𝗚𝗢𝗧 𝗔 𝗦𝗖𝗢𝗥𝗘 𝗧𝗢 𝗦𝗘𝗧𝗧𝗟𝗘! You know, could we get more New York statues in on this? I wanna see Vladimir Lenin, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Balto fight to the death. Then we'll get the Statue of Liberty to rampage through the city to the tune of Higher and Higher. Critic: This movie's stolen enough already. Tony: Haven't you learned anything? It's not stealing if you admit that it's stealing. Just have Dave say, "Hey, that looks like Ghostbusters 2!" Problem solved. Woman: [Laughing one more time] Tony: Cage gets Morgana out and for no given reason, Dave can fight her without his ring because... something something ruby slippers. Critic: ♫ I put a spell on you! ♫ ♫ And now, you're gone! ♫ David: But I'm not alone! I brought a little science with me! Tony: Yup, the science of a mop that can move of its own power. SCIENCE RULES! Critic: Well, I guess you could say the mop... cleaned up this mess. [YEAH!] Tony: So Morgana is destroyed and oh, no, it looks like Cage is, too. David: Nononono, it's not over, he can't die! I just... Not...not now! Critic: Gee, I can't believe they killed off the main character in a Disney film. Tony: Yeah, just like Snow White and Pinocchio and Trusty and Aurora and Darby O'Gill and Baloo and Robin Hood and Chief and Gurgi and Basil and The Beast and Iago and Esmeralda and Megara and Giselle and WALL-E and Flynn and Iron Man and Ralph and Anna and Baymax. Critic: Well, I, for one, am shocked. David: That's not good enough. You...you, with all your stupid rules! And all those old man shoes! You're constantly saving me with that look in your eyes! Critic: You will believe you're... watching a movie. Tony: Of course, Cage comes back and Dave is reunited with his totally useless girlfriend and they fly the eagle to Isengard to rescue Gandalf. Critic: And that was Nicolas Cage and The Sorcerer's Apprentice. How is this not fun?! Tony: One of the biggest creative risks of Walt Disney's career has been turned into one of the least creatively risky movies I've ever seen. The tired-ass chosen one story is beyond half-needed and it's not even done well. There's no build to it. He goes from incompetent to all-powerful at the end like an on/off switch. Critic: Sometimes, there's kinda neat effects or kinda cool acting from Alfred Molina, but that's as far as it gets, just kinda cool. Tony: You know how most Disney Bruckheimer movies are these insanely long 2-and-a-half-hour monstrosities? This feels like it was shot to be one of those, but then cut down to an hour-45. So it still has the bloated structure of a long-ass movie, which makes feel longer than it actually is. Not even Nicolas Cage as a friggin' sorcerer can make it interesting! Critic: It sucks seeing Nicolas Cage go from awesomely good to awesomely bad to just bad. And I can tell you, with him averaging 6 movies a year now, I am not falling for the Nicolas Cage hype train again. Maybe somewhere down the line, we'll get one of those kickass performances again. But until then, I am not being nearly as gullible! Hello? Corey Taylor(?): Hey, it's Corey Taylor. Critic: Corey Taylor, lead singer of Slipknot? Corey Taylor(?): And Stone Sour, yeah. Critic: And let me guess, you're in the other room with... Chester A. Bum, Hyper Fangirl, Black Willy Wonka, Rob Scallon, and... your son Griff, inviting us to go on tour on... an ice cream truck? Corey Taylor(?): Actually, that's it, exactly. Critic: Screw you, buddy! I'm smarter than you think! Tony: Proud of ya, man. Critic: Thank you. Chester A. Bum: Well? Corey Taylor: He said no. Hyper Fangirl: Oh, that's a shame. Rob Scallon: At least we tried. Black Willy Wonka: Oh, well. Corey Taylor: Mmm, I guess we'll go on tour without him. Black Willy Wonka: Mm-hmm. David: Uh...uh...uh...what the heck is this?
