The Courage to Leave | Norah Casey | TEDxDublinInstituteofTechnology

people often ask me to write a letter to my younger self they probably often ask some of you to there's only three words that always stand out they got over my mind again and again get out now get out now because I wish I had done so only in recent months I've talked to other survivors of domestic abuse I can see myself reflected in all of their stories but for so long I didn't want to be that woman I didn't want to admit that I was that person who stayed so long in a violent and abusive relationship what kind of Dormouse would do that this kind of dormers and the reason why people think that I might be a doormat is because they're confused so often the victims and I hate using that word because I don't feel like one the survivors of domestic violence they have to remain silent for all kinds of reasons and so their stories are misunderstood the complex paradox of loving and living somebody where the balance of power and control tilts that uniquely human feeling of needing to be loved and wanting to be loved intertwined so tightly with jealousy and rage and abuse you can't possibly understand it unless you've walked in my shoes and their shoes you can't even contemplate how we could possibly stay in those relationships which is why bystanders and unfortunately sometimes good friends often say why did you stay well as somebody who's been a survivor of domestic violence for so many years I know more now than I did then as to why I stayed and I've begun to test that question and the way it makes me feel because you know the real question the absolute pivotal question is how did I leave that's the most important thing and I have to tell you now go to knock on the head a couple of things one the domestic violent relationship I had was a man to me a woman and I'm acknowledging right now that our happens in so many different relationship mountain man and woman to woman woman to man it has no boundaries and when I use the word domestic abuse it's because that's what I have learned to use other people use intimate partner violence I also stand in front of you and since I spoke a few months ago people said no Nora you're not a typical domestic abuse survivor are you well it turns out I am actually there's nothing special about me because back then in my twenties I was away from home I was away from friends I was away from family it was my first real relationship and I was a nurse I was just coming out of nursing so inside me I'm hardwired to be empathetic to want to help people it turns out all of those things by the way are typical when I started to talk first about my experience of domestic violence I could it was all hazy I could remember the first time the shocks anomalous the denial I could remember a very violent episode when I knew that if I stayed that I probably wouldn't survive and I remember the last slap I remember the final joke that sent me over the edge and made me realize that I couldn't possibly stay in that relationship with a little bit it's all a bit of a blur of bruises and humiliation and tears melted together over in nine years buried so deep I had convinced myself it had happened to another woman in another world very very far away from me but since I've started to talk about it I'm a scientist at heart I will always dive into the science and the evidence I want to know why I stayed and I want to know how I left so I started talking to other women primarily other women who were also survivors of domestic abuse I delved into the Internet I read everything I could I watched another amazing TED talk from a woman who also suffers domestic abuse and I found various similarities I have today put them into four phases somebody will find nicer ways of doing this but these four phases are really important to me because I began to understand how I stayed and how I left I share most of these phases with other survivors sometimes all sometimes just some parts of them the first I would describe phase 1 seduction I fell in love very fast or I fell in love with me very fast golden handcuffs I met Peter when I was in my early twenties he was nearly 40 he was very sophisticated as I say I was fresh from nursing we met in a wine bar he was splashing champagne in my glass I've never even seen champagne before in my life and then within two or three weeks were on our third date were in a beautiful restaurant eating food I hardly even dared think about I was ghost I was awkward he was sophisticated he was a businessman he drove a Porsche and he was talking in this fancy way and I in my silly little early twenties girly way said hey gotta tell you something funny the guy I went out with before he's also called Peter he slammed his wineglass down grabbed my arm said this isn't the game we're going out together you're my woman it was so forceful and so like after three dates it was like I was having an affair behind his back so I went to the bathroom mortified flustered thinking I need to get back to that table and politely get out of here and never come back again my gut told me no I went back to the table before I even sat down he was saying I'm so sorry I'm so sorry please forgive me a moment of jealousy you have no idea you're the woman I want to spend my life with I'm absolutely head-over-heels in love with you I know it seems extraordinary but please forgive me I don't know why I reacted that way I'm trying to settle myself into my seat who picked up the napkin and a gold bracelet fell out and he leaned over me but that gold bracelet on me and he said that's how much you mean to me now it wasn't the fact I've never owned gold in my life it wasn't the fact that he was giving me such an extravagant gift it was the fact that somebody that I felt I hardly knew was bestowing such a generous offering on me and I began to believe that he loved me and worse I began to lean I loved him there was lots to regret in my marriage about that bracelet moment for when he drove me home and dropped me off I was exhilarated I felt I was falling in love all my earlier and these oh my god all my intuition was gone now most relationships started the honeymoon phase but believe you me the seduction phase of an abusive relationship is helter-skelter we were going to beautiful places I was trying new experiences as on a steep learning curve I was dressing differently I was wearing fancy earrings I was being told what to say how to talk I was also learning something else I was learning that a sunny day could turn very dark if Peters mood switched I was beginning to change my own behavior things that were unacceptable I was making them acceptable and I was making excuses and I was slipping into the second phase delusion there are lots of people who never come out of delusion it is the most dangerous phase for some people it only lasts a few weeks before they wake up and realize what they're in for me it lasted years and years and years I'll tell you how I knew I was in delusion when I looked back we were about to still not married we're about to go on the trip of a lifetime he'd been telling me forever that he was going to take me to exotic places that I'd never even heard of I came from Maryland I nursed in Scotland I was now in London with a beautiful mail bags were packed as usual he had my passport he had all the bookends he had all the visas he had all the hotels beautiful meal driving home were pulling into the driveway and I said something I still don't know what I said his sons his hands on the steering wheel and he put the brakes on jumped out his side of the car I came at my side thinking he was going to give me a hug and say it was not a bit of awkward on the eve of our beautiful holiday instead of that he tipped my head and he slammed it across the top of the car I actually couldn't believe it he just casually locked the door of the car out the key fob opened the door of the house and walked in just casually like that I followed a van and sat on the sofa and my mind was full of confusion I couldn't actually believe that the person who loved me had just so much me i sat there all night staring into space thinking what happened what did I say that made him do that what did I do to make him slam my head against the side of the car and to my shame I was also trying to figure out what makeup I might use to hide the bruises that were now showing up on the side of my face and my ear that was so on next day like a robot got into the car I drove to Heathrow a few hours into the flight he leaned over tears in his eyes touched the side of my face with quite swollen and colored eyes I'm so sorry I can't believe I did that my goodness I was so stressed about the holiday and you said something and you know I just knew what was going to take a while actually for you to understand that I'm the kind of person that if you say the wrong thing I react badly and I'm beginning to slip further and further into that face of delusion where it's not him it's me I'm the one that's failing at this relationship I'm not in an abusive relationship I'm just somebody who's not working hard enough to help the man I love be the best he can be it's like an addiction other survivors tell me the same thing when you were in that phase you craved the tenderness that was there in the seduction phase you work hard for it you feel you have to earn it you're in this constant cycle which could be hours days or weeks and it starts with tenderness lovely moments I love you you're the woman I want to spend my life with tension a clenched fist a slam door a muttered rebuke under his breath and then the threat and then the apology then back to the tenderness I lived in a lot cycle for so long I needed to get into Phase three phase 3 I call reawakening I'm sure there is a pusher and fancier word for it but it's that time when I feel over those years I began to resurface again I began to understand that actually it wasn't that I loved him I was just afraid of him so one day we're at lunch with friends and he got into an argument with somebody and decided to leave I didn't want to leave I was having some fun so I said I'm gonna stay on I knew he was annoyed he drove off very fast later on that evening summers evening I arrived the house I didn't have kids I started to knock on the door I couldn't rouse him I was ringing the doorbell I was knocking in the window I was calling him on the phone that probably went on for about 30 minutes and and I will admit that my knocking was getting louder and louder all the time when he eventually opened the door he was in a pure rage he pulled me in by my hair he shoved me on the ground he rained blows on me he kicked me he punched me I remember being on the ground winded with blood in my eyes looking up and he was going for a knife in the kitchen and I don't know how I did it but I jumped up I got myself into the sitting room I slammed the sofa against the door no locks and he was screaming and telling me I had made him punch him that it was my fault that he had done that later when he comes I fell asleep and I woke up in the earlier is the morning he was standing over me knife and I thought I was gonna be dad I jumped up and he actually pushed me down and he went down on his knees and cried and cried and cried and said I'll never do that again oh my god accompany what did look at your face it ended up with three broken ribs I have a broken bone on my cheekbone so I never smiled properly when the cameras say smile this side doesn't go up but my happiest moments I remember that moment when he punched me in the face and it wasn't even that moment when I really can't there was remorse and presents and gifts and then about five days later I was going back to the hospital and I was struggling to get into the car because of my ribs and he lost it started slamming the steering wheel and saying you're some drama queen are you gonna make me pay for this for the rest of my life one moment one mistake now remember I am years in this relationship with many moments and many mistakes and I looked at him and I thought I can't stay here I can't stay in this relationship it's no longer a bargaining act between sure I love him and he's great and he's wonderful and if we have these small little moments in our marriage it's not perfect but the very final moment that pushed me over the edge many months later my mom and dad are visiting I don't know why this was the moment but we were in the same room together I said something that he got annoyed with he positioned himself between me and my mum and he slapped me really hard across the face my father was further away in the distance he walks casually whereas he always did my mom said my goodness what happened your face it's all red Nora my dad was making a fuss and he said what happened to you you know the whole side of your face is just gone red have you eaten something and I had that moment not an out-of-body experience but for the first time in my life I saw I mean what my father might see if I said Peter actually did that to me and he didn't look good it was the first time I actually viewed him from somebody other than me and I was the audacity of that slap the kind of I can do anything to you you're never going to tell your parents you're never going to admit what I'm doing to you it was escalating all the time I was about to enter the final phase and the most dangerous of all the moment of leaving it's never a moment by the way it's an act of leaving it's when you know that you absolutely have to get out of the relationship but actually now there are loads of barriers that you never before had even considered because you never considered leaving and when your self belief was through the floor those barriers become enormous for me it was financial for some reason I'd ended up paying all the bills I was paying the mortgage I was paying the utilities he used all of his wages and salary to fund a thai-style I began to think where would I live I didn't it was his house I didn't have a name on the house all of my clothes were in that wardrobe I didn't have friends because somehow over the years that was his friends not my friends I would constantly do pros and cons Wow okay it's not the best relationship but I do live in a house and we do go on holidays and I do have my clothes in the wardrobe so all survivors of domestic abuse talk about this terrible phase and by the way the most dangerous phase overwhelmingly women who do not survive domestic abusive relationships they get murdered or killed in the act of leaving because the shackles that bind them in a town in a toxic relationship are suddenly falling away and the perpetrator wants that final bit of control it's the most dangerous time I did one thing which I'd like to say to anybody who is sitting there who might be in this kind of relationship or watching this I told my mother it was a really important thing to do I had never told anybody ever before I told my mother and she was horrified and only recently have I told her exactly the true extent of what he had done to me but in telling her I realized I had to leave so after many Friday's driving home so I'm leaving him this week errands many mondays going into work when floods of tears and by the way my default position was to work hard and study hard to avoid this terrible time in my life at 4 a.m. I woke up six days after telling my mother I packed a small bag and I woke him up and I said I'm leaving you and he said you're kidding right and he turned over and fell asleep again I made a little speech about the violence but I could hear him snoring in the background I drove away that morning I felt I'd driving over a cliff I was terrified I was frightened but I was also free I called my sister told her for the first time I stayed in a hotel the Iverson Heathrow the cheapest I could find all around me there were people starting adventures and lives there were babies there were people going on travels I'm starting an adventure too but I was devastated I'd love to tell you that an independent strong woman emerged out of that chrysalis but that's not what happened in the early days I was sleeping on sofas I was effectively homeless I was trying to hold down a job I was terrified that I wouldn't have the courage to stay away from him and by the way everyone will tell you this that four years afterwards I imagined he was in the room with me I could see him out of the corner of my eyes slipping out the door of a restaurant or in front of me in the street and my stomach would go into a knot and I would be terrified and frightened about this monster who became an even bigger monster after I left him but I will tell you one thing from then to now I felt very powerless in that relationship for nine years I felt belittled and I discovered only recently I had a small little superpower and that was to tell my story so that others could learn from us unlike other survivors I went on to do very successful things you do know me as an entrepreneur and a dragon I married a beautiful man called Richard Hannaford sadly since departed I have an amazing son caldera I've sold and bought many businesses as I stand here I'm selling a big chunk right at this moment but you know what all the Entrepreneurship traits I've relied on my life I wasn't born with them they didn't happen when I was nursing during my 20s when everyone was out having fun I was learning resilience determination and risk-taking before I was even 30 self courage self belief took much longer it left me with an inbuilt need to stand on my own two feet to be financially independent but it also left me with an internal radar with an intolerance for people who bully and belittle other people and I've got myself into hot water on more than one occasion personally and professionally for calling out the bullies and you know people look at me and they say that's the dragon in her it's the survivor in me [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 156,561

Rating: 4.9188962 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Global Issues, Activism, Women, Women in business, Women's Rights

Id: i0hij-L5c-A

Length: 17min 39sec (1059 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 06 2018