The Personality of Victims of Covert Narcissistic Abuse #narcissistic #narcissism #emotionalabuse

so today I wanted to talk about the personality that victims of narcissistic abuse tend to have and I'm not talking about their real personality I'm talking about who they become as a result of the abuse and this is true whether it's childhood trauma that your parents were narcissists or from a long-term relationship it's almost like we all get the same kind of personality and so I want to explain what happens and how that happens and more importantly if you find that you identify with this what you can do to get the real you back and I always save my tips for the end so make sure you watch the end if this resonates with you that being said let's dive in for those that don't know me my name is Michelle I'm a trauma Survivor myself I am now a trauma-informed coach I specialize in helping people overcome narcissistic abuse and cptsd I'm also somatic experiencing practitioner and the founder of the thriver school of transformation which is a monthly membership where we meet live every week and we do the inner work together so if the videos are not enough for you make sure you check out that resource so something that happened to me very early on on my trauma recovery Journey um was I went to get help from someone because at that time I was like well I'm the problem right because if you've been involved with a narcissist they convince you that they're perfect and after a long time of that type of manipulation you start believing or thinking or suspecting that maybe maybe it's you so I went to get help for me because I was the problem and as I was getting help he told me he was like you do realize that you're in an abusive relationship and sadly a part of me was like finally she's she's getting it she's waking up but this other part that was so traumatized was in shock okay and then afterwards I asked him I was like well how do you know that and he said people that have been in narcissistic relationships have a very distinct personality and he went on to compare how he can notice victims of narcissistic abuse with an animal print he's like you don't have to see what type of animal was present you can look at the imprint in the ground and know what type of animal it is by the imprint it leaves behind and he said and it's the same thing with narcissistic abuse the imprint that narcissistic abuse leaves behind is very distinct very clear and very obvious and that leads me into my topic today the imprint that narcissistic abuse leaves behind is a personality a traumatized personality that so many of us get stuck in so before I go into some of the traits and characteristics of that personality I first want to help you to understand why this happens because I know with myself on this journey again we're so quick to blame ourselves we're so quick to be like it's my fault we're so quick to get upset with ourselves and not put the blame where it belongs which doesn't help us on this journey so when I learned this what I'm about to share with you it helped me to not go into that spiral of Shame and self-blade so I want to explain what happens to your brain as a result of narcissistic abuse and this is why we experience these personality changes so because narcissistic abuse when you're in a relationship especially with a covert narcissist where everything is hidden and everything is confusing what happens is we actually start utilizing different parts of our brain on a daily basis for example instead of living with our prefrontal cortex our Thinking Center our cognitive executive functioning Center instead of that being in charge which is how we're supposed to live with that part of our brain in charge we start using our midbrain 24 7. and the midbrain is designed to be an important part of brain functioning and an important part of our life but it's really there for when it's needed in other words for life and death or life-threatening situations the midbrain kicks on and it kicks on and overrides our prefrontal cortex again we need that to happen in a life and death situation the problem with narcissistic abuse is that it ignites those areas of our brain 24 7. that's why we use phrases like walking on eggshells what we're basically saying when we say we're walking on eggshells is that we are living in a hyper alert from a state our brain is Vigilant to Danger 24 7. so we are out of the thinking areas of our brain and we are constantly in the survival areas of our brain and that that is why we experience so much change in our personality so here are some changes that I experienced you can let me know Down Below in the comment section if these resonate with you or if I missed any so when we are no longer in our prefrontal cortex we lose what's called prefrontal attributes our prefrontal cortex when it's activated when we're living in that area of the brain we have access to the executive Command Center which helps us to pause in life it helps us to reflect we refrain we forgive we find Solutions we have compassion there's joy we're able to see the big picture we're able to make clear decisions however when we don't have access to those things and we're stuck in our midbrain we wind up reliving stress-based stories and responses over and over again our emotional Center is highly activated Our Fair response is over activated we don't feel safe in our body we don't have clear thinking we have a loss of memory we get stuck in negative thought patterns our brain is struggling with rumination with highly intrusive thoughts with feeling like something bad is going to happen so we aren't ourselves rather than being ourselves we live in this constant state of fear when this happens for a prolonged period of time we can get stuck in the five main symptoms of complex PTSD and they are self-abandonment toxic shame having a harsh inner critic social anxiety and emotional flashbacks those five main components and what they have us feeling in doing become like our new personality we're not ourselves we are stuck flinging between those five main symptoms for example with emotional flashbacks because the trauma is somewhere still alive and stuck in our body our body is always on hyper alert to anything that reminds it of the trauma and so we are overreacting we are depending on our trauma response whether it's fight flight freeze or Fawn or either in a highly active fight response where we get angry really quick a flight response where we're doing doing doing so we don't feel a fawn response where we are appeasing everybody to try to establish some means of safety or a freeze response where we just feel stuck and we think that that's who we are right that becomes like our personality but it's not our personality that's our trauma responses that are stuck very much like a car a manual car if the gears get stuck there might be nothing wrong with the car except that the stick shift needs fixing well it's the same thing with us as a person we are fine we really are and I know if you're resonating with what narcissistic abuse does to you you do not feel fine and I get it because I didn't feel fine either but as I worked through the Journey I realized that I was fine underneath all those layers of trauma and what the trauma did and the personality and the coping skills that I developed because of the trauma and so recovery wasn't about getting a new me because there was nothing wrong with the me that I was it was really about unlearning all those players that the trauma created and working through those Copic skills so that I could get back to who I really was I hope that makes sense and so some of the things that you would find if you are struggling with narcissistic abuse recovery and again this could be you could be in the relationship or you could be out of the relationship for years and if you don't work through this the personality stays stuck it doesn't go away with time if you're in that traumatized state so some of the things that you would notice is that you are probably very hyper Vigilant when you go someplace it's almost like and and this is what happened it's like our nervous system kind of spreads out and is constantly scanning the environment so you don't feel like you're just being and you're at the event or you're at the place that you're at you feel yourself on alert scanning and looking for danger you never feel safe in your body you constantly have this dread or fear that something bad is going to happen and so you're always gauging what you're doing and how other people are responding to you because you're trying to find a way to feel safe safe you find yourself easily triggered you have a hard time regulating your emotions so when you are flung into fight flight freezer Fawn it can take days for you to feel like you have worked through that trauma response and are back in your body and for some people they feel like they are living a never-ending trauma response they never feel present in their body as who they really are oftentimes it affects us emotionally again some of those prefrontal attributes that we lose are Joy excitement passion creativity and instead of being able to feel those things we wind up stuck in emotional states like depression or anxiety or flinging back and forth between the two we wind up being stuck with negative thoughts all the time I know with myself and this sounds so weird to say it and if I didn't experience it I think it would I would have a hard time understanding other people that experience it so for anyone that listens to this and it's like that's just crazy that doesn't make sense maybe you don't have cptsd maybe you haven't undergone narcissistic abuse because anyone that has is going to be like Michelle I get you I hear you but I went so long without laughing which is so sad to admit especially because I was known when I was young I was known for being the kind of person that could never tell a joke because I'd be laughing at the punchline before I could get it out into words right so it was a complete change in personality but I went so many years without laughing that I had to teach myself to laugh again and this kind of shifts me into well what do we do if we start realizing that yes I now have the personality of somebody that has been through narcissistic abuse this resonates what do I do about it this is the hard part because I know it's myself and so many of you you're like okay give me the answer so I can do this and tomorrow I'll meet we have this intense need to want to like take our trauma and fling it outside of us so that we could just be ourselves and we wanted to be quick and painless but it doesn't work that way and that's something that I had to learn the hard way so you might have to learn that the hard way as well but the faster I try to move on my recovery Journey the longer it was taking I had to learn that it wasn't about getting rid of my trauma it was about supporting my body where it was stuck because that's kind of why trauma gets stuck in our body is because whatever we're going through is too much too fast and without any support and so we're trying to heal it in the same way it was got stuck in our body it doesn't work we have to do things differently we have to learn how to unlearn what our body and mind and our subconscious mind learned as a result of narcissistic abuse which is the negative beliefs that are now running the show in our life we have to unlearn those we have to help our body to embody new beliefs because it's one thing to know with my mind like I know I want to believe this about myself and my body's like yeah well that's nice but I believe this and getting the two to work together that's the secret to working through narcissistic abuse we can't do it with the mind only and so many of us want to do that I say that because I did too I was like well can I just learn my way through this can I just learn what it's like to be safe and then my body's just going to follow me no that's what happens when we're children and we only have our subconscious our body is following whatever we're learning in those years but as adults we now have two aspects of our brain we have our technically three but I'm just going to talk about the two right now we have our conscious mind and our adult self and we have our subconscious and we have to help both work together after narcissistic abuse which means the conscious mind is our thinking brain our subconscious is our body we have to learn ways to help them to work together and that's something that takes time it takes patience it it's almost like going to a home you think of a a home that you want to flip right so you go to this home and it's really beat up and it's kind of on the outside it really looks like it needs a lot of work right but the structure is sound and strong but you have to go in and kind of remove the old parts that no longer serve the home the old wiring the old pedaling um whatever is no longer serving it and you have to install the new well internally we have to do the same we have to remove the faulty old wiring that's in our subconscious and we have to install and learn and embody new subconscious beliefs we have to help our survival brain to no longer be in charge of our life we want it there for when we need it just like in your home you want your home alarm there for when it's needed but imagine living in your house with your alarm blaring 24 7. imagine how that would disrupt you emotionally well that's just a tiny piece of what it's like to have our midbrain and our survival brain on all the time it affects every aspect of our of Our Lives of our inner peace or lack of inner peace so we have to help that survival brain to learn how to only be active when needed and I know that sounds like a lot and it is it is a lot because narcissistic abuse really causes a lot of Destruction it causes a lot of breakdown in your cognitive functioning in your emotional states in your body in your health and so lasting change does take effort and time but I just want to encourage you to be willing to give yourselves that because if you don't there's nothing worse than having to go through narcissistic abuse right that's awful especially because the people that inflict narcissistic abuse are usually the people that you expect to love you and to be there for you so it's awful to have to go through but to stay stuck in it even if the narcissist is gone is even worse so doing the inner work is worth it because you get you back and if you're struggling make sure you check out forever School of transformation I have a half off sale so if you want to join us for the year and really be with other thrivers that are working through this same Journey that get it that understand you make sure you check out that link the sale ends on the 31st

Channel: Michele Lee Nieves Coaching

Views: 891,876

Keywords: michele lee nieves, narcissism, victims of covert narcissists, covert narcissism, vulnerable narcissist, covert narcissism traits, narcissistic abuse cycle, narcissistic abuse healing, how narcissists manipulate, how narcissists test victims, how narcissists train you to suppress, how narcissists react when you leave, how narcissists destroy your dreams, narcissistic parents, narcissistic personality disorder, emotional abuse, narc abuse coach, signs dating narcissist, npd, covert

Id: j4NiQGy0UaA

Length: 16min 16sec (976 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 25 2023