Why I stayed, Why I left | Mada Tsagia-Papadakou | TEDxUniversityofPiraeus

let's talk about abuse there's a world of misunderstanding and ignorant when it comes to abuse why does she stay why does a victim of abuse stay under the most horrific life-threatening situation why doesn't she just leave why did I not leave between the ages of 23 and 28 I was in an abusive relationship and if you had asked me then to give it a name abuse never would have come to mind you see in my mind I thought abused women were uneducated low-income families and that some sort of abuse was involved in the equation I graduated college with honors my parents so I came from an upper middle-class family and my abuser whether he was using a substance or not was still physical physically abusive emotionally abusive sexually abusive psychologically abusive before I begin my story I'd like to draw your attention to the screen psychotherapist Lenore Walker came up with this this theory she interviewed a thousand five hundred victims of abuse in the late 1970s and she came up with this theory and it's called the cycle of abuse it begins in the tension building phase that's where the humiliation begins the victim may attempt to control the situation by keeping the abuser calm and literally walking on eggshells the second phase is the incident the violent the outbreak it doesn't necessarily have to be physical it could be emotional there's a thing as emotional abuse its brainwashing and it's the victim believed that she is in danger not worthy and useless after this incident is the honeymoon phase now the honeymoon phase as it says the victim responds the the abuser feels remorse feel shame and begs for forgiveness the victim this is the stage where she normally decides to stay and I'll tell you why because I know she has her power back in the middle of all this you'll see denial and we are not talking about the Nile in Egypt we're talking about denial about the elephant in the room that is sitting on my face and I'm pretending everything's fine now the second slide is is it's again from Leonor Walker she also developed the concept of the battered woman syndrome where she finds unique patterns of behavior emotional that women have when they become victims of abuse and it is a many animals suggests that the battered woman syndrome is also a subtype of PTSD so I will refute I will I will refer to my abuser as Romeo and the reason I have I chose Romeo is because it represents the kind of love I believed in the kind of love that I saw on television and in movies and I read about the kind of love that that he would die for me and I would die for him when our relationship began obviously he did not come to the door and greet me with is that what you're wearing you look cheap oh my god please don't talk and embarrass me and if you overstep you know what's coming that's not how it started it started with romance and love and hit hard and he hit fast because that's what abusers do that's that's the way our relationship was at the end though obviously but regardless of that I had become accustomed to men pursuing me because I was a model at the time and believe it or not models were pretty insecure we were used to people telling us everything that's wrong with us to our face and people cutting us down so I was very very insecure to begin with when I entered the relationship with Romeo because he was one of the few men in my life at the time that seemed to really take an interest in me to really care what I was doing every single moment of the day I remember the beginning of a relationship a model and another model asked me to go out of town to model with her and I asked him and mind you at the time Romeo was very generous and he gave me many gifts I know you're probably thinking poor little model oh poor girl well this is one way of an abuser how he takes control he takes control by taking economics in control in his own hands so when I was asked to become a to go model I didn't fashion show outside of Athens my abusers started crying and begging me not to go please don't go I'm gonna lose you and if I lose you all die and me being a codependent and having problems with with boundaries and generally having an allergy to the word no obviously I said no how can I upset the man that I love how can I do that so in his opinion I had also no reason to go because he was taking care of me and this is how I handed him over one big part of my freedom when we first met he adored my friends he adored them obviously as the relationship progressed and he wanted to have full control of me he started planting seeds of mistrust and betrayal of my friends obviously I started backing off and believing that he was the only person that really loved me eventually oh by this time I am economically emotionally dependent on him and as a result him having his conquest in his back pocket he focused on his career and his friends and everything else but me so I started feeling abandoned I would linger in the shadows waiting for him to look my way to pay attention to me and this is how our cycle began eventually because at some point I got so bored of sitting in the shower shadows I told him I'm gonna go become I'm gonna go work as a model again and he went crazy and it was our first violent physical episode he showed remorse right away begged and cried for my forgiveness and I had my power back I had his attention back I was his only and nothing else mattered and obviously I didn't go but the abuse didn't stop there we've gone into our cycle again and he started becoming more and more like he would in humiliating more he would make fun of me to his friends my accent the way I dressed anything that you could imagine he would find and he would roll his eyes and turn his back on me in front of his friends he would dismiss me constantly and when the embarrassment and the loneliness got too much I would retaliate and I would say I'm leaving I can't take this anymore and here's the abuse again here's the cycle again he would lash out he would be physical he would scream and yell and throw things break things and then he would feel remorse and he'd be mine again so one night again in the cycle of abuse one night when we decided to go out with his friends he was again in that phase of ignoring me and not paying attention to me at all and I got into the car and he looked at me and he said is that what you're wearing because you look cheap are you looking for a new boyfriend I was like no no I'm walking on eggshells I have to show him love and attention us no I'm I'm just yours and nobody else's he looked at me he rolled his eyes and he said anyways we're late don't worry about it it takes off we went to the club you ignored me all night while I sat in a corner at some point he disappeared completely I went looking for him to find him at a bar drinking with three women my heart broke into a thousand pieces my earth my world shattered he didn't love me it wasn't real he wasn't really Romeo and I did the only thing I could I ran and he ran after me in the middle of the parking lot he started throwing me around like a Raggedy Ann doll he punched me he spat at me he hit me he threw me in their car he threw me out of the car bouncers were standing there staring did nothing they turn their back regardless to say I broke up with war meal and I disappeared he would try to call me I wouldn't pick up eventually he had his sister call me and his sister said to me that Romeo is devastated he can't eat he can't sleep he needs you he loves you I said what she said he loves you that's why he did this he loves you I believe her That moment when I heard that the sigh of relief came over my body all the pain of being away from him was gone I believed her that the reason he reacted like that was because he loved me and I knew right then and there that when he came back when he came asking for me again I would take him back regardless to say the cycle continued the hostage-taking been making me feel crazy by irrational behavior and holding me hostage to his demands that was the least of it he would choke me and hit me and lock me up he would he would I would wake up every morning and I would wonder what kind of mood is he gonna be in today is he gonna be in a good mood are we gonna have a good day or is he gonna be cranky and I'm gonna I'm the one to blame for the red light that's caught us or that the weather is bad what kind of day are we gonna have today obviously this continued on and on but the honeymoon phase became shorter and shorter to the point it didn't exist anymore I eventually found out from one of his dear dear friends who probably pitied me I probably looked really desperate and told me that Romeo had many many many girlfriends and it was exactly what I needed to hear to walk away maybe a few months went by oh I forgot to mention he let me walk away it was probably so completely bored of me a few months went by I decided to start being social I started going out Romeo heard Athens is small and he came and knocking on my door I made the huge mistake of opening the door and to be honest to this day that the events of that evening are still the blur to me what I do recall is at some point here in our struggles he took in and he had put it through my throat and said nobody can have if I can't have you no one will and then he lifted the the the knife up and he came down I thought this is it I'm gonna die this is it my life is over he hit the couch somehow I I remember he grabbed me threw me outside my sandals in the middle of the street put me in his car and started driving like a madman up towards the mountaintop and saying I am going to kill you tonight you are dying if I can't have you no one will I was so scared I I really believed him I really did and somehow I grabbed his phone and I was able to call my father and my father negotiated for my life and somehow he talked him down to this day I still don't know what daddy said but God bless him he had called the police as well waiting for me outside my house Romeo too embarrassed to take me right to my front door and scared he got scared he left me there and I saw the red lights and the neighbors all staring at me and that walk of shame that shame was I can't even describe it and I walked up towards my house and the policeman looked at me and he said who's your perpetrator I said no one that's right I said no one because an addict protects their first love and that's exactly what I did I was addicted to Romeo I was addicted to the pattern of behavior I was addicted to that type of love but I knew I was sick and tired and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I had to do something so I told everybody I told my parents I told I had gotten a job at a hospital I told the security staff there if he comes around don't let him in I had my best friend move in with me so that way when he came knocking the door she would say go away and he would so eventually he did leave me alone he really did he let me go a friend of mine asked me the one that moved in with me she said how do you see your relationship in 10 years if you go back to him and all I felt was was turning feeling in my stomach and loneliness and darkness and and no home does anybody know what it's like to wake up in the morning and not have hope or dreams I said I can't live like this he's taken everything from me the thought was enough for me to walk away and never look back I was lucky and I was blessed because the next man that I met he was very kind and gentle my gentle giant George pavada goes and we have three beautiful children together around 2006 I was asked to go represent Greece in an international pageant for the missis's of the world it's called mrs. globe and mrs. globe is an annual fundraiser for the wind foundation international woman in need and they run programs that name awareness and information and help heal Souls all over the world and this is where I first heard the word abuse and this is where I put the dots together and I understood I was abused there was a name to it it had a name I won that title I was so lucky and with his newfound information and vigorous honesty and learning about myself and how I had to heal because Neman that the relationship was left behind years but the wounds were still there they were still deep they I still felt them so I started arming myself with tools tools and information on how to heal and I put my my crown to use and I started win alas and when alas has been healing hearts since 2006 informing women about the issues of abuse and offering free programming to them despite the Cinderella syndrome and the media bestows on us and despite my grandmother's belief that I have to find a man that can save me I'm raising my son not to find a Danville Danville a woman in distress to save and I'm definitely not raising my daughters to believe that they need Prince Charming to save them so to all the women out there that don't know they're an abusive relationship but are in pain there is information out there you can heal and this is a conversation all of us have to be having it's important to involve men in this conversation men need to be a part of this movement time is up no man has the right to suppress you to hurt you to make you feel less than I am living proof that your abuse does not and should not define you thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 424,700

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Global Issues, Nonprofit, Violence, Women's Rights

Id: 5609_5FRjhY

Length: 18min 48sec (1128 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 24 2018