Today i'm talking about why you should never
forgive a narcissist, at least not to their face, and this applies to any type of narcissist - male
or female, overt or covert. I'm Lise Leblanc. I'm should never forgive a narcissist, let me just
say that this video is for informational purposes only and it is not meant to replace professional
mental health services. And if you find this video helpful, please take a moment to subscribe to
my channel. When you've experienced narcissistic abuse, you are left with a head and heart
that is filled with confusion. Was any of it real? Did the narcissist even care about me?
Did I mean anything to them did they do this intentionally did they appreciate anything i did
for them? And at the end of this video, I will answer these questions for you. If you've been
with a narcissist, not only do you feel confused, used, abused and lost about who you are and what
you need because you've spent so much time and energy trying to do everything for them only to be
discarded, or worse, still in the relationship and still foolishly trying to satisfy their every
whim while feeling inadequate, frustrated, anxious devalued, demeaned traumatized, or
even feeling like you're losing your sanity. See, a relationship with a covert narcissist is
like being fed small doses of rat poison every day. You get sick over time. It's subtle and you
start to forget what it was like to be healthy. With an overt or grandiose narcissist, it's more
like being on a toxic roller coaster ride a dose of intense connection and excitement followed by
a massive dose of poison. Both are masters when it comes to trauma bonding and creating cognitive
dissonance, but the overt narcissist is swift in his or her methods. They don't waste any time or
energy but either way you cannot have a healthy relationship with a narcissist and forgiving
them or trying to get closure from them is not going to help you. So, here are my top five
reasons why you should not forgive a narcissist at least not in the sense that most people think
of forgiveness. So the first reason is that they are still hurting you in some way. You may have
heard me say this in other videos, but people who forgive too quickly or too easily are at risk
of being harmed soon after. In fact, research shows that partners who forgive too easily
were almost twice as likely to be mistreated soon afterwards and this is especially true if
you are in a relationship with a pathological narcissist. Mark my words, they will continue to
hurt you and to poison you at every opportunity, and this brings me to the second reason you should
not forgive a narcissist... this is their nature. Forgiving a narcissist is like forgiving a cat
for eating your pet goldfish, then buying a new goldfish and expecting the cat not to eat
it at its first chance. It is their nature to impulsively meet their immediate needs without
consideration of how it will affect you or anyone else. The harm they cause is simply a byproduct
of getting what they want when they want it. See, they lack empathy, meaning they don't feel
bad about it, so you can try to train your cat not to eat your goldfish, but don't be surprised when
they do and like your cat, there will be no guilt or remorse which is the third reason you should
not forgive a narcissist... they don't feel bad, they do not accept responsibility or consequences
for their actions. Oh they may say the right things they may even cry and act sorry but it's
a performance. If they do feel bad, it's because they got caught and again they will turn around
and just do it again. So, before you forgive, take a moment and write down how many times
they've done this or something something similar to hurt you. Ask yourself whether the narcissist
has taken responsibility, accepted consequences, or tried to support you in your healing. My
bet is they're justifying their behavior, flipping the narrative, and making it your fault,
or making it seem like you're being ridiculous, insecure, overly sensitive, or
whatever, so you'll hear things like: "I said i was sorry, what more do you want from
me? "It's never going to be enough for you" or if you hadn't done this that or the
other, I wouldn't have been forced to blah blah blah... fill-in-the-blank. Reason number
four is that they will use your effort to forgive them as a weapon against you, even in clear-cut
situations where they have done you wrong, somehow they'll manage to shift reality,
shift memories. Sometimes it happens in one conversation, sometimes over many conversations,
but next thing you know you're feeling guilty, questioning what happened, feeling like you
didn't do enough or didn't do the right things. In other words, you're being gaslighted and you're
the one feeling bad while they are back on their high horse and in the clear. Last reason is that
they will use your forgiveness as a way to suck you back into their twisted game so if you manage
to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, don't go back to them looking for answers, looking
for healing, or even to forgive them. This will be used as an opportunity to suck you back in. If
they are short on narc supply, they may show you the person you fell in love with, start recreating
that illusion of happily ever after together, or if they have plenty of supply, they will use
the opportunity to reinforce how you hurt and abuse them and how you should be begging for their
forgiveness, and in many cases the narcissist did bring out some of the worst parts of you and there
may be times where you mirrored their behavior or reacted in uncharacteristic ways which you do feel
bad about and of course the narcissist will use this as ammunition. Suddenly, everything they
did is forgotten and you are the only problem. If you want to forgive and heal from a
toxic relationship with a narcissist, it will need to be an internal process. Do not
try to involve the narcissist in any way, shape, or form because you will leave that healing or
forgiveness conversation feeling worse off than when you went in. They will not give you the
answers you are seeking and any answers they do give you cannot be trusted, so let me answer
some of your questions so you can start processing and getting some resolution on this toxic
experience that you've had with the narcissist. So, first the narcissist did not love you...
while they may have been infatuated with you they idealized you, what they really loved was
what they could get from you. They don't think about you unless they need narc supply and they
only see you as an instrument to get what they want so while you did mean something to them, it
was more like what the goldfish meant to the cat. It was a means to an end. So, they may appreciate
the fun of catching the fish and filling their belly, they do not appreciate you for who you
are and what you can bring to the relationship. They may tell you that they do, but look at the
evidence and you will see the truth for yourself. Chances are, your relationship with the narcissist
was not all bad unless you were with a malignant narcissist narcissist. There may have been some
really magical intense experiences of connection and you may have invested so much into this
relationship that you don't want to give it up or you crave it once it's over. You may
want to forgive and move on either with or without the narcissist but when you're dealing
with a narcissist, you do need to set realistic expectations and know that if you do forgive them
that, you know, you'll be doing it again and again if you stay in that relationship. And if you've
managed to get out of that relationship, make sure you do that healing and forgiveness process
internally. I believe forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood words in the english language.
Most people believe that forgiving someone is letting them off the hook, like forgiving them is
the same as saying that what they did was okay. But, forgiveness does not make what's wrong right
and it doesn't mean that you need to re-engage with that person, it doesn't mean the person
deserves your forgiveness. it only means that you deserve peace you deserve to be untethered from
this person, from the poison, from the giant hook that they jabbed into you and to be able to
move on and be happy, but when it comes to the narcissist, please, please do not involve
them in your healing because this will simply give them another another opportunity to poison
you and hook you in. So, if you can think of other reasons not to forgive a narcissist, please
write them in the comments section and again if you enjoyed this video, if you found it helpful,
please take a moment to subscribe to my channel.
