How To Respond To A Ghoster Who Comes Back

check your m v n w n n actions over words set your alarm master your emotions critical response and finally to divulge or not divulge these are the six steps I'm going to walk you through today and teach you how to keep yourself from getting devoured by ghosters by toxic people love avoidance uh narcissist or just anyone that operates text message a little bit differently than you do these are just good solid healthy boundaries when it comes to texting so let me break this all down for you let's start with check your m v n w n n what that stands for is your morals values needs wants negotiables and non-negotiables okay I'm gonna actually as I go through this I had a recent situation and that's what spawned this video and so I'm going to use that story to illustrate the point so first of all I have to give you a little bit of my history my mother was an alcoholic and for four to six weeks she would treat me like gold it was wonderful but then she'd be in a walking coma for seven to ten days I suffered repeated horrific Abandonment for years and then my father was very emotionally distant and so I became The Dumping Ground for everybody I was never allowed my needs and wants I was always taking care of other people so this setup is that I'm going to explain to you is because of my trauma history now yours may be different but that's why we need to know what our morals and values are our needs and wants negotiables and non-negotiables we have to do the recovery work to discover how did my trauma create this reaction in me that when people ghost me or or they act differently through text message why do I get triggered well it's pretty obvious why I'd get triggered if somebody ghosts me or um their text messages aren't in line with what I want so I have some very strict morals and values and negotiables and non-negotiables when it comes to communication the first is I ignore everybody's words I watch their actions actions are everything it's the only way because my childhood words didn't mean anything my mom would say would you give me a hug the next time I want to drink and I won't drink words mean nothing to me she'd still drink I need to see actions and so when I start to see actions or somebody uses words but their actions don't follow it that's a massive red flag for me okay so that's the first thing that I have a very strong moral and value on and so when their actions don't align with their words that is non-negotiable now there's another piece to this is that when it comes to text message respond time and the response length matters to me okay because of all the work I've done emotionally I'm as you know I just share my life story I'm very comfortable with being vulnerable well most people aren't like most people haven't done this level of recovery work so I'm very aware that my level of comfort isn't normal and most people can't match that well that's okay I've learned through recovery to allow for a certain amount of Grace for their shorter responses because my responses are very detailed like I know you know someone asked a question and it's I have a lot to say because I've investigated so much where most people haven't done that investigation so their responses are very short or they're very guarded narcissistic all these different things so I have a level of response I'm okay with but if it gets too short that's a trigger for me also the response time it's my moral and value that if I'm available I respond well that's rare in today's world nobody has that account personal account personal accountability is another huge moral and value of mine most people have virtually no personal accountability again they that's not to disparage them that's a recovery aspect so I have a level of Grace that I can go to but once it hits a certain point it brings up all my childhood stuff now that's reasonable and normal we will never recover all of our from all of our trauma and so we have to learn you know constantly learn to grow and try and stretch that out but we have to know where we are currently okay so in this particular instance we had been trading pretty regular messages for a couple of days my responses were always longer I would have more responses and my response time was faster but the length of response I was getting back was adequate it wasn't nearly as deep as mine and the response time was slower um but it was in my tolerances I could survive it I was still boundaried and contained well this person said they would get back to me they had a busy day and they would get back to me that night with full explanations of all these threads we had started and we had talked about making plans to get coffee and they said they checked their schedule and let me know that night so two actions I'm going to answer all of this stuff and I'm going to tell you what my schedule is so we can get coffee all right none of that happened I never heard from that the rest of the day those are two big things in a short period of time all right now I didn't make a stink about it I was prepared for it I kind of figured you know this is what most people do the lack of accountability like I'm just different in the way I approach things and they get to approach life the way they want so the next morning they said hello and said I have a lot of time today I'm going to respond to everything well they never did that's three in a very short time and the responses were slow and the time in between responses was very slow like I responded back to that and it was another five hours before I heard from them again boom now I'm in danger zone for me three you know three statements that weren't followed up by action in less than 24 hours I that that goes against my morals and values it is non-negotiable all right I can't have that in my life so I start to back off and I'm going to teach you that process of how to do this all right ah so I the next step that's why actions over words so as I said as I said when there are two or more at least for me and this is what you have to find out for you maybe it's ten maybe your childhood wasn't like mine and you can handle people not following up on their words 10 20 30 times maybe you just don't care like everyone's different everyone's childhood trauma is different some people this is like what three times who cares why are you being so picky again it has to do with my trauma history yours is different and that's why you need to know what your morals and values are what your negotiables and non-negotiables are all right if you don't know that that's why you're getting sucked into these Dynamics because eventually you're giving and giving and giving and now you've gone too far now you're depleted now you have no boundaries and they own you and now they're manipulating controlling you everything you've lost yourself that's called giving yourself away thinking if I just am you know talk more and chase them more because it was so good they'll come back they won't all right their actions just showed they won't come back honor their actions that's a non-negotiable always watch their actions all right so for you in this Dynamic you're gonna when it comes to actions over words you're gonna have to figure out what's your moral and value negotiable and non-negotiable amount around the amount of times that their actions don't match their words also you're gonna have to figure out what are you okay with in response length and the time in between responses all right what is okay for you that keeps you contained and boundaried all right it's not going to be like mine it's you have to do that recovery work and Discovery work to figure that out yourself all right so now that all of this has happened we moved to step number three set your alarm okay remember I said that I got this morning message that said I have the time I'm going to tell you everything and then nothing didn't Place one heart over a message gave a short response to one thing but they're we had like 20 threads growing don't we there's tons of stuff we talked about that's never been responded to by this person okay and so I just sat there and waited and it was nearly five hours and and it was four hours and 42 minutes before I got another response and it was just hey how's your Saturday a little bit more or your Sunday how a little bit more about um how they've changed as a person very short but no detail still no response to anything all right so this is how you keep yourself contained I've recognize this person's actions don't match their words their response time and everything that's a huge red red flag for me so I set an alarm I will not respond for four hours and 42 minutes and so I just calculated the time put on my phone like I doesn't matter I don't care how many times they text me I will not respond for four hours and 42 minutes I will match this is called matching this is what keeps us boundaried all right we match their response time we don't try and manipulate or say something or bring it up they get to live their life the way they want this is about our recovery and dealing with ourselves all right so no matter what I will not break that boundary of 4 hours and 42 minutes all right that's how I keep myself contained that moves Us in to master your emotions and this to me is the most exciting part you see the reason we're Traeger has absolutely nothing to do with them they're not doing anything wrong they're just doing what works for them and they get to live based on their trauma history and whatever this is about me I'm the one who's freaking out this person wasn't my mother who was an alcoholic and abandoned me this person wasn't my father and so what people don't realize is every emotional reaction we have as an adult was learned in childhood so you're just no matter what somebody does your reaction is based on the summary the category and the definition that you created based on your parenting that you received and the culture and Society you were raised in okay so my because of my parenting and culture in society I recognize that my fear and all the abandonment and everything that comes up over somebody's actions not lining aligning with their words and um their inability to match my vulnerability and all of that do you hear how that's just like my parents so I am projecting my parents face onto this person well that's not their responsibility well I get excited and this is this is what we have to do remember emotions we are not born with them they are learned we create a summary of the event that happened we place it into category and we Define it so my summary was I'm abandoned my thoughts feelings don't matter I will I am always neglected as my dad said just before he died Kenny you got the least of all the kids and so there's the definition I got if you don't speak to me if you don't if you don't if your actions don't align with your words if your responses are not the same length as mine they're not equal remember I got less that so the definition is I got less so if your effort doesn't match mine if it's not equal and your response time doesn't match mine I freak out now I've done a lot of recovery I've gotten better but I recognize in that moment this person is acting just like what appears to me as my parents so I recognize it's not about them but see I've done the recovery work of and now I know my reaction to this person's behavior isn't about them it's about my childhood and so now we have to master our emotions we have to create new summaries new categories and new definitions of when somebody ghosts us their actions don't align with their words and um they're not as vulnerable as we are all right so the first thing I did was I took my I did what are called the three gets the three gets of Al-Anon get off their back get out of their way get on with your own life with that get off their back means quit shrinking them quit sitting there around oh my God you know I mean I did four hours and 42 minutes but but that was so I knew how to respond but I didn't spend the last several hours ruminating on them getting angry hurt I didn't I got off their back they get to live life and pursue texting any way they want it's none of my business so that's get off their back get out of their way that means don't control their life they get to live their life there they get to have their own summaries categories and definitions like maybe for this person my style of texting of responding right away feels incredibly suffocating and smothering based on their childhood so they need distance so they're just protecting themselves from me they don't see what I'm doing as accountable or healthy they see me as toxic it's quite possible all right so instead of projecting on to them that my way is better and right I get out of their way they get to live the life they want and then number three I get on with my own life and that's what I did I laid by the pool I went for a walk and when I was out for the walk I went oh my God I should do a video on this this is amazing so do you see I'm creating a new summary I'm taking a situation and instead of borrowing from the past those old summaries categories and definitions I'm going wait a minute this is a gift when somebody does this look at how I get to step into my own life I get to create a new video I've been making playlists like I've had an amazing day with me remember what the third get is get on with your own life that's what I did clean the whole house the place looks spectacular like I've just had a fantastic day I mean the other thing is look I don't I don't have to be controlled by anyone I don't have to respond I get to do whatever I want I have total freedom like there's so many benefits to somebody who reacts this way when I choose not to control them so do you see I'm creating new categories and definitions around all of this now I am staying with my morals and values I'm not changing and going well I'll just become what they want I'm not giving myself away but I am changing that internal feeling that sends us through the roof that makes us susceptible to the narcissist and susceptible to the love avoidance and all the toxic people because we just because we get are abandonment gets triggered we keep going we don't know how to stop and this is how we learn to stop all of this is we learn emotional Mastery all right we create new categories and definitions and that's how I spent my day now let's move to step five the critical response what do you do when the ghoster The Narcissist the love avoidance or just somebody who has a different texting style than you finally responds all right well for me because now I recognize this person doesn't have the same morals and values that I have around actions aligning with words that's a non-negotiable like I don't I can't sustain somebody's that many actions not lining up in such a short period of time in my life history that means that will just get bigger it won't it's not just random and you know barely happened all right this person made a conscious choice not to do what they said I don't ignore that all right so What You Do In This Moment is everything this is where you get your power back your containment back this is where you do a massive emotional shift and create a new category in definition and response this is really the meat of turning your life around and being able to handle these things and not get destroyed by these type of people all right so you what you do to retain your safety and get your containment back is match them match how superficial they are all right match they're ghosting that's why I set the alarm 4 hours and 42 minutes I'm not going to respond no matter what now they had three things in there one part was a little vulnerable somewhat you know about you know some changes they've made in their life the other one was how's your day and I can't remember the third very superficial so remember they're not responding they said they'd respond to all the stuff we had started talking about but they didn't so I match it all right also because their morals and values are different around vulnerability I'm not going to be vulnerable I'm not going to talk I'm not even going to touch this piece where they got vulnerable about themselves no way I will not be your support when you haven't been mine that's my moral and value it's non-negotiable I need things Fair remember my dad said I got the least of all so because of my trauma history I have to keep it that way so I'm ignore I will ignore the vulnerability I will ignore the the The Superficial question and I will only attach to the how's your day going and my response will be awesome that's it or actually I think it'll be amazing it's been an amazing day look at what I've created look at the opportunity this person has given me to heal and recover like could there not have been a better day like I'm so thankful they didn't respond like I'm getting so much more from their lack of response and and being vulnerable than had they you know their actions match their words now it's quite possible they're scared there's you know a lot of reasons maybe this isn't their normal behavior but when I see it I don't ignore it and so my response is going to be that's it I'm gonna be boundaried up I'm going to match them and so I will just have one word response amazing and I will ignore the other two that's it all right that gives us our containment back because we've been vulnerable you know if you're someone like me more on the love addict side but also someone who's done a lot of recovery work and it's easy for you to do this you do feel depleted you feel abandoned neglected invisible ignored um disrespected taken advantage of well no one disrespects us or takes advantage of us unless we allow it well I'm going to stop that all right I've now seen three actions that don't align and end in that disrespect because you can't disrespect me unless I let you and so I I was vulnerable to a level that worked for me as soon as I saw the red flags last night and today I'm acting on it I am not going to give myself away I will not allow myself to be disrespected treated invisibly ignored neglected no a narcissist can't get us unless we give ourselves to him same thing with the love avoidant anyone toxic we are always responsible and if you've been in these situations you got sucked in because you look no one taught you about any of this you didn't know you did the best you could but you are responsible so if you're still listening to this you need to do the work that's all there is to it so that you can get to a place where this never happens again you cannot place the blame on them it's our inability to have boundaries and take care of ourselves that allowed the narcissist to abuse us we have to own that all right now whether this person is a narcissist or love avoidant none of that matters what matters is what I can control me I will not give myself away and go against my morals and values my needs and wants my negotiables and non-negotiables so my response will simply be amazing that's it they have to earn my vulnerability through their actions not their words if their actions get different I might open up a little bit more but I'm going to be very hesitant from this point forward until I see consistent actions that show that maybe this was an anomaly unless that happens that's all they're going to get for me I will not allow myself to be mistreated and so but well see I've created my own category and definition of what mistreatment is theirs is different obviously and so someone listening to this am I going God this guy's crazy he's so nitpicky well good for you you just have a different category and definition based on your trauma history on her end whatever it is honor it that's all I'm trying to get across it but you need to know what yours are to be able to honor it all right now we get to the last piece to divulge or not divulge because they're going to notice a difference they'd be like hey what's up at some point or they will do one of two things they'll just drift away because they're not sucking the life out of you um they'll get in their own head and make things up that they're being rejected and so like you know there's possibilities if they disappear it's it's not about you it's what they did inside themselves because they don't know about this they're projecting back onto you and so because they don't have the recovery they're going to disappear all right some it may trigger their abandonment issues because we've all been abandoned in some way in childhood and so they may go hey I've noticed a difference what's going on now this is a this is kind of Gray if it's somebody new that you don't really know that's a tough one as far as you do how much you divulge about what process you're using and how you're going about this now I'm going to talk about my situation I've known this person for many years um and um so if they were to ask me I'm not going to give them all the details because the actions don't warrant that level of vulnerability remember they didn't follow up on their actions but also they're not equaling my vulnerability or my response time and so I'm not I I'm gonna match their distancing I won't be my normal what's very comfortable for me is just to say everything that's just comfortable for me but I know when I do that and don't get it back because of the fairness piece for my childhood I freak out and so I'm going to protect myself and so my response to this person because they know a little bit about recovery would be something along these lines I would say um you know in in your personal work did you ever learn about boundaries and matching and most likely they haven't and so I would probably instead of a text message I would use the voice thing because it's too complicated to put in a text message and too much can get misunderstood and so I would probably say something like well there's a concept called Boundaries and matching and before I get into this I want to let you know that what I'm about to share has nothing to do with you what you're doing is fine I'm just giving you an insight into how I work this is my process okay and so what I've noticed is you know when it comes to boundaries and matching is it starts with what our morals and values are and needs and wants negotiables and non-negotiables and so for me my morals and values are it's critically important that somebody's words match or somebody's actions match their words well I observed um three times over the span of less than 24 hours where your actions didn't match your words once you said you were gonna you know at the end of the day you were gonna answer you know respond to all of the topics we had going plus you were gonna get you were going to tell me your schedule for us to get coffee neither of those things happened and I didn't get a text saying hey life got busy I didn't forget you I it was just ignored that for me may not be yours but but the lack of information as to why that information that that you're you were unable to follow through on your promise that goes against my morals and values and for me that's non-negotiable and then the next morning I recall you saying that you had the day and so you were going to respond to all of it my relax recollection is you responded to one piece very shortly but nothing else and so for me in a very short period of time three um instances where I heard you make commitments to me they weren't followed through on and so because of my history and what goes inside of me um I've learned that I have to match somebody's system of communicating so what I hear that works for you is your action it's okay for you that your actions don't match your words um and that you know your length of response and time to responding is different than mine and so I won't get into the details as to why mine need to be different maybe if we were to ever develop a level of um what for me would be equal intimacy and vulnerability I would share that detail but we don't have that right now and so what I will say is I have to do what works best for me to stay contained because of my history so that I don't put that on you and so that's why um you know my response was the exact time it took you to respond to me and I just stayed to the very superficial topics that you've been staying to so again you don't need to change you're not doing anything wrong I want you to do whatever works best for you I'm just letting you know how I work and and what my process is so do you see what I did I made it all about me I mean I shared my observations and my Recollections of what went on but there was no judgment there was no you know saying what they're doing is wrong I was expressing myself I didn't get into my trauma history I didn't get into all that because we don't have that level of connection so I was appropriately boundaried and matching their lack of vulnerability but I was giving a little bit of information to go this is who I am and this is how I do it and you know I guess I might have added at the end something like so you know if if this level of sharing and response time for me doesn't work for you um you know there are other options of you know responding you know quickly and more in depth and um you know when you say you're going to but by no means do you have to that's up to you like I'm fine with what you're doing um I'm just doing what works best for me

Channel: Kenny Weiss

Views: 49,808

Keywords: Kenny Weiss, Emotional Mastery, your journey to success, life coach, Trauma recovery, worst day cycle, Arizona counselor, Narcissist Relationships, codependency, Best Life Coach in Arizona, mental health, the greatness university, Transform Toxic Relationships, Transformational Coaching, Self Love, Relationship Advice, how to respond to a ghoster who comes back, ghoster, ghosting, how to respond to a ghoster, how to respond

Id: tI4PE7Sm1Ss

Length: 29min 45sec (1785 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 29 2023