Don't Tell Narcissists You WON'T FORGIVE Them

hey everyone it's Dr romeny you know how we I how I should say how I tell you that you should not tell the narcissist you know they're narcissistic or think they're narcissistic this video is around forgiveness and okay in the same vein don't tell people that you're not going to forgive that you're not going to forgive them let's talk a little bit about about this again it's the same Vibe as not telling people they're narcissistic but you may be wondering why this right you're not going to tell a narcissistic person they're narcissistic you're not going to tell a gaslighter they're a gaslighter not only is there no point to telling them that you lose a tactical Advantage all of what I try to do attempting to educate people about these Dynamics has never been about clapping back at the narcissistic folks or getting them to change it has been about wanting everyone else to understand this so they stop over engaging with the narcissistic folks stop giving the narcissistic folks Supply and wasting lifetime thinking that the narcissistic people will change something very similar happens with forgiveness before I go on and tell you more about that I want to take a moment to tell you something exciting gotta put in a plug for myself here please forgive me I have a new book coming out in February called it's not you it's available for pre-order now please click the link in the video description to check it out you won't be sorry okay so let's go back though to forgiveness right forgiveness is such a thorny topic as it relates to narcissism we like to think of forgiveness as an all good kind of thing all forgiveness is great forgiveness is divine forgiveness is how we grow you don't need to carry that weight around by not forgiving the fact is not forgiving doesn't mean that you will be carrying a weight around in fact forgiving may be what will end you carrying the weight around the research is clear forgiving a person who re betrays and who reharms you actually is harmful to you so forgiving a narcissistic person in general it's probably not good for your health but the fact is forgiveness has a strong brand and a strong Lobby all major religions lots of sages and pundits and philosophers all love forgiveness but the way they talk about forgiveness is intellectual sure it's a good idea but forgiveness really only works if the Forgiveness results in change or awareness in the absence of that it means you are being vulnerable just to end up being played and when people are played and taken advantage of they don't heal and I am also not buying all of this hoey about forgiveness helps the forgiver again only if a you're able to get out of the narcissistic relationship with them in other words you get to have nothing more to do with them so that would be like if you had a relationship with a narcissist who did a number on you and you ended the relationship and you say hey we're done I have blocked you and I never want to be in touch with you again sure you want to forgive you forgive you're out of Harm's Way or the person who does that with a friend or a family member and listen even then forgiving a transgression that shaped the Ark of your life life or a lifetime or decades that so betrayed and harmed you that you stopped trusting yourself in the world how the f are you supposed to forgive that it would not help you to forgive that it would help you to recognize that you can Ste still heal after that though but really do you truly no longer resent someone who did something like that to you the other times forgiveness may help the forgiver it's so many years down the road that I even wonder if it's forgiveness as much as it is you have nothing to do with my life anymore and I don't care what happens to you is that forgiveness or is that indifference but if you have to keep dealing with someone family partner ex partner colleague who harmed you and if it's a narcissistic person they harmed you more than once can you forgive them if they truly don't think they did anything wrong can you forgive them if you they blamed you for everything that happened in their relationship if they take no responsibility probably not and I know people like to forgive they like to put up fanciful social media posts about forgiveness don't do it it's bad for yourself and frankly everyone else when you do but this goes back to the original issue why shouldn't you tell them why because forgiving is a very personal decision a very internal decision many narcissistic people in relationships with you that you can't leave and no judgment it's always lots of reasons that people stay but if you still have to deal with them you have to still have to see them you it could be a co-parent it could be a family member in a larger family system it could be a colleague and a job that you can't leave telling them that you won't forgive them actually hurts you in many ways first people will judge you they will think you are the antagonist the problem the one who needs to find some sort of Enlightenment it's not worth feeling like you have to endure that second not telling someone that you are not forgiving them it's actually a superpower of sorts you know internally that you don't forgive them and that's all that matters so that means you may give yourself more permission to disengage stop waiting for something that's not going to happen stop waiting for Change and to actually press the accelerator on radical acceptance when you stay in something where you don't forgive you are actually in a position where you aren't having the same arguments over and over again listen people have very complex reasons for maintaining ongoing relationships with narcissistic folks but when you know internally that you don't forgive you're usually not waiting for them to behave better you know they are them in many ways not forgiving and radical acceptance go hand in hand third a third reason you don't want to tell them that you're not going to forgive them you're going to avoid their push back on how they think you're a terrible person and that you're the narcissist and how you're a whole laundry list of terrible things because you don't forgive them you don't need to hear that especially if they have already betrayed you fourth and this fourth one is a bit convoluted so bear with me if you don't say anything about how you're not going to forgive them the narcissistic person is grandiose and entitled enough to actually believe they were forgiven because you're still showing up right so they don't pretend to be better they're more likely to slip up and behave badly in front of someone else which is actually to your advantage the more people that can see how awful this person is the more support that you might get this is a long shot but you not saying anything and them believing as a result they were forgiven May embolden them and then they can shoot themselves in the foot if you tell them I don't forgive you they may actually try to mess with you and behave in a way that's better for a minute in especially in front of other people to disprove your thesis fifth not telling them that you're going to forgive them it it allows you to disengage if you tell them that you don't forgive them it's kind of like you still care the key is to work towards something resembling indifference the less you engage the more they are sometimes on their back foot some of you may think if I disengage they'll just find someone else if that's what their path was going to be they were going to do that anyhow this is why why gray rock and yellow rock kind of work not telling them you don't forgive them is one more form of disengagement it pulls you out of their orbit listen under the right circumstances forgiveness can be a great thing it is a personal experience that should not be predicated on the other person's future Behavior or changing their behavior you forgive and that's that but if they keep harming you then forgiving is not good for you while the mythical religious stories are out there about people who forgave and who were forever revered those stories exist in every world religion but we are not deities we are not Gods amongst us we're just people with hearts that break and souls that bruise inauthentic forgiveness is great for the narcissist and terrible for you when you forgive decent people who make the mistakes of life and who try to do better after that that's wonderful and it can strengthen a relationship when you forgive antagonistic people who don't give a damn that they hurt you you remain forever stuck in their betraying system but when you decide you finally say I can't I won't forgive someone someone who harmed me this much and that's your authentic truth then like all authentic truths do not share them with the narcissist it's not good for you but the not forgiving and the long term may actually be great for you it may help you get to radical acceptance and break you out of the hypnosis that's the narcissistic relationship good luck

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 48,405

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Id: ZKybd0RtkuE

Length: 11min 19sec (679 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 28 2023