Fake vs Real Empathy | How To Tell The Difference Lise Leblanc

For someone with narcissistic personality  disorder, or NPD for short, understanding   and sharing in another person's emotional  experience is not something that comes easy   or naturally. The narcissist in many ways  is like a small child highly self-centered,   emotionally underdeveloped, and very focused on  their own needs and emotions. There are several   studies showing that there are structural and  functional differences in the brain of highly   narcissistic people which accounts for this  inability to step out of their own perspective   and feel genuine empathy for others. I'm Lise  Leblanc and in today's video I'm talking about   the difference between cognitive and emotional  empathy. I will explain three main reasons why   narcissists fake empathy as well as seven ways  that they try to fool you into believing that   they are a genuinely empathetic person and at  the end of this video I will give you my best   tip on how how to tell the difference  between true empathy and fake [Music] empathy it's important to note that the severity  of the narcissist empathy deficits can vary and   even those with more pronounced levels of  impairment can be very skilled at masking   their lack of empathy okay so first allow me to  briefly explain the difference between cognitive   and emotional empathy cognitive empathy  which is also referred to as intellectual   empathy or perspective taking involves mentally  putting yourself in another person's shoes and   trying to intellectually understand that person's  perspective and feelings emotional empathy also   known as effective empathy goes even further  and it involves sharing in another person's   emotional experience and genuinely feeling your  own emotions in relation to what they're going   through narcissists typically struggle with both  cognitive and emotional empathy with intensive   therapy some narcissists can learn to increase  their level of cognitive empathy and perspective   taking skills but because of these structural and  functional differences in their nervous system   they are not capable of developing true emotional  empathy unfortunately what usually happens is   individuals with NPD learn to fake empathy so what  you'll find is that in one moment they seem to be   hugely concerned and showing lots of compassion  but in the next moment they're cold distant and   couldn't care less about what you're going through  so in this latter Circumstance the narcissist is   fake faking empathy and here are three reasons why  narcissists typically get really good at faking   empathy the first reason is that it's a tactic  to gain trust and keep people in their lives   so that they can use them as narcissistic Supply  because think about it if someone was always cold   and heartless and insensitive towards others  then no one would want to be around them the   narcissist would end up spending their entire  lives alone and wouldn't have any sources of   narcissistic Supply number two is that it allows  them to appear normal and to manage other people's   perception of them narcissists have learned  that displaying empathy is a very useful tool   in social situations and that pretending to care  about other people's feelings and experiences   makes them seem more normal more likable allows  them to fit in socially and to also manage their   image and reputation as you know narcissists are  deeply concerned about how they're perceived by   others and they go to Great length to maintain  a positive image and reputation faking empathy   is a way to project that image of being a caring  compassionate and understanding person as well   as to avoid criticism and detection reason number  three is to strategically re-engage you when you   leave a narcissist they can't get over the loss  not necessarily the loss of you but the loss of   the game they saw you as their possession as  someone who served a specific function and you   don't get to set the rules of the game so if you  exit they view this as a loss and they can get   very upset and very obsessed with getting you back  in the game sometimes to the point of hunting you   down like prey if you're a highly empathetic  person someone with huge heartstrings chances   are that the narcissist will use fake empathy to  strategically get you back in this game now that   I've described some of the more common reasons  that narcissists fake empathy here are seven   ways that they will do this number one they will  be very very attentive towards you so along with   showering you with excessive compliments gifts  and affection The Narcissist May initially shower   you with their attentiveness for example they'll  maintain eye contact nod while you're talking and   appear as though they are deeply interested  in whatever it is that you're saying as the   relationship goes on you will find that they are  never emotionally present have zero attention span   when it comes to listening to you and they show  very little empathy for your problems or concerns   unless they want something from you number two is  they ask a lot of personal questions someone with   NPD typically asks a lot of deeply personal  questions in the beginning of a relationship   uh and this is to gather information about you  they are learning you data mining finding out   your emotional vulnerabilities and triggers so  initially they want to know everything about   you they're asking you a lot of meaningful  questions and acting as though they have t   tons of compassion and concern for you but as  the relationship goes on they get disappointed   in you because you don't meet their idealized  expectations and at this point they will start   seeing you as a threat and they will start using  whatever sensitive information that you provided   to them initially and they'll be using that  against you number three is validating you   so again in the beginning The Narcissist will  act as the though they are 150% on your side   validating your perspectives your feelings your  interpretations your experiences and you will feel   as though they really get you more than anyone  ever has but this show of validation and fake   empathy will not last soon The Narcissist will be  invalidating you almost constantly contradicting   almost all of your thoughts feelings memories  perceptions and so on number four is offering   to help you a narcissist loves to present  themselves as a hero as the Miracle Solution   to whatever problem you're having for example if  the narcissist is wealthy they might initially   pay for everything promising you'll never have  to worry about money ever again or perhaps they   will offer to help you in your career or maybe  promise to take care of all of your sexual needs   whatever whatever problem you have whatever need  hasn't been met not only do they get it but they   act like they have so much empathy for you and  that they will do whatever it takes to make sure   that you never have to suffer again they are the  solution to all of your life's problems and this   can be very alluring to someone who is vulnerable  or to someone whose needs in some area of their   life has not been met in a very long time now all  of a sudden there's someone here not only showing   you great empathy for what you've been through but  also promising to end all of your suffering seems   like a dream come true doesn't it and this can be  hard to pass up number five is playing the victim   some narcissists especially the covert vulnerable  type act like victims sharing stories of their own   hardships and emotional suffering very early on  to make themselves seem more more relatable more   trustworthy and more empathetic so you get the  sense that since they've been through so much   uh emotional challenges and struggles that they  will have an understanding and empathy for the   suffering of others however this is a fundamental  thinking error when it comes to narcissists while   it may be true that they've been through a lot  in their lives their victim mentality and their   tactic of sharing their suffering early on is  not a show of empathy but it's a tool to get   your empathy support trust validation approval or  whatever it is that they're seeking number six is   emotional mirroring narcissists mirror and mimic  the emotions of those around them reflecting the   feelings and concerns that are expressed by others  to create the illusion of empathy as they seem to   be sharing in the emotional experience um of  everyone else however because it's insincere   it might come across as unnatural or awkward  and the closer you get to the narcissist the   more in control they feel of the relationship the  more they see you as their pet or possession the   less they will feel the need to bother you know  mirroring or mimicking your emotions and they stop   with a lot of of the complicated pretending unless  they want something from you or are attempting to   uh look good in public or Gaslight you so for the  latter they might be mirroring your emotions and   pretending to understand you but really they're  using this moment to uh fake connection uh as an   opportunity to twist The Narrative and make you  doubt or change your perceptions interpretations   feelings or memories number seven along the same  lines in social situations or on you know social   media in public narcissists put on a display of  concern in order to appear empathetic in front of   an audience so that they can enhance their image  of being a highly empathetic person or even a   heroic figure but they're rarely putting any real  effort into offering ongoing uh support unless it   serves them in major ways in fact they often use  third parties to convey their empathy by sending   someone else to comfort or Provide support on  their behalf maintaining their facade of empathy   while avoiding direct involvement or any real  effort so the level of empathy that you witness   in public will be drastically different than what  you experience in private and now as promised my   number one tip to tell the difference between real  and fake empathy it's really simple and it can be   described in one word and that is consistency  genuine empathy is consistent over time and it   doesn't depend on who you are who you're with  and it's not used to manipulate someone who   consistently shows genuine understanding support  and empathy even when it's inconvenient are likely   displaying real and genuine empathy there is  a cabat to this because there might be times   when you lose empathy for someone for example if  someone is always playing the victim and despite   your efforts to help them they are rejecting all  solutions and never really making any effort to   help themselves in this case you might start to  feel less empathetic as you realize that they're   using you and they don't want to change however  even in in this case your empathy isn't going   to depend on what you need or who you're trying  to impress a narcissist on the other hand uses   empathy selectively and strategically turning  it on and off like a faucet depending on their   Personal Agenda and once their needs have been  served their so-called empathy vanishes into thin   air until the next time they need something it  can be very difficult and disheartening to admit   that you've been duped by someone's fake displays  of empathy but it's a lot more painful to keep up   the delusion as this creates a ton of cognitive  dissonance which can be very difficult to resolve   as the saying goes fool me once shame on you fool  me twice shame on me so once you see the patterns   trust the evidence and don't allow yourself to  continue to be fooled by the narcissists fake   EMP aathy I hope this video was helpful and  if you want to learn more about narcissistic   personality disorders and their destructive  tactics please click on the link [Music] above

Channel: Lise Leblanc

Views: 35,942

Keywords: narcissists hate you, how to outsmart narcissist, manipulative, gaslighting, female covert narcissist, female narcissist, female narcissism, npd, narcissism, narcissist, trauma, lack of empathy, empathy, bpd, borderline, borderline personality disorder, empath, no empathy, How To Tell The Difference Lisa Leblanc, lise leblanc, narcissists fake empathy, fake empathy of narcissists, fake vs real empathy narcissists, difference of real and fake empathy, fake empathy lisa leblanc, Empathy, fake

Id: DL18TrssF9Y

Length: 14min 20sec (860 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 13 2023