When to Quit on Someone (or Leave a Bad Relationship!)

this was a difficult episode but we're gonna approach a question that I'm asked like all the time and that is Brendan when do I know when it's time to quit on somebody you know often these comments it's someone's asking that because they're in a relationship and they don't know is it time to break up or they've hired somebody and they've given them them four or five tries at work in there they're not performing how many chances do you give another person before you say hey look this isn't working whether it's in relationship or at work or someone you're mentoring that's a difficult discussion so today we're going to get into I'm going to do some five ideas about how to think through all of that and we'll go in some difficult areas of life that we all face in the real world of our relationships and so I'm going to hit you right off the bat with a difficult one but it's really at the heart of many questions I do receive online you know now after what I don't fifty million video views on you know YouTube and our websites in this last year you know millions and millions of downloads of our podcasts the charge life you know all our blogs and everything else I get a lot of difficult questions and and often there's a story with them and it's led to this first piece of advice I have the time to quit on somebody hands down is harsh if my sounds is straightforward and honest and that's when there's any abuse when there's abuse in a relationship you quit period you owe no loyalty to abusive people period that's the time you got to get out and that's where a lot of these questions come from you know there's a lot of domestic violence in the world there's a lot of you know women who are treated very very poorly and often physically beaten up by their husbands by their partners or spouses their lovers and it's a bad bad deal and often these women or these folks are being abused do not get the straightforward answer and the straightforward answer is if you're being abused physically quit period leave that person get out of that relationship get somewhere safe go to your parents house if they're safe go to friend's house but you need to exit not a month from now not three months from now it needs to be immediate then it needs to be swift and it has to be with bold precision you need to plan it and do it and you need to do it sooner than later and that's so hard to tell people because you know we have this often misaligned thought in our head about loyalty well if I leave this person then you know I'll never be loved or if I leave this person it's unfair to them because they hung out with me and I'm a you know piece of crap we we make up these stories to validate people's injustice to us sometimes and at an abuse level we can't do that and I know your hearts in the same place as mine in hearing this and it's difficult to do but you have to do it if anyone is being verbally or physically abusive with you on a consistent basis get out and you don't need to wait for consistency over a year or two or three you're talking about one or two times and you got to go you have to remember there's seven billion people on the planet there's going to be someone who's going to treat you better there's going to be somebody who you can trust there's going to be somebody who you know might not come into your life until you create the white space of getting rid of the the bad folks so the good folks can come in again and it's necessary and I hope you just hear me if you're in a abusive situation please leave sooner than later it's always going to be the better decision to leave sooner than later plan it out find that place of support and go now not everybody who asked me this question is coming from that dire of a situation and so I'll continue on from there but I just want to be honest and serious with it there's a lot of people a lot of organizations to help with that if you are in that situation please look up a domestic abuse center around you look up some help and support online or get it from family or friends but for your own sanity your own safety and those around you get out of that situation number two is let's take it from a different perspective now assuming we've handled the abuse thing let's talk about everyday relationships where that's not there but you're like I don't know should I stay or should I not one Nicator is after you've had repeated failed discussions with somebody that means first and foremost we're assuming you've had the discussion with somebody you've told them what you think what you feel what you desire what you want in life and you've done it more than once because a lot of people they just they they never share with someone until that you know internally they built up so much hate and anger and bitterness they explode on the person and then they walk out and the other person never even knew what was going on you need to give time for people to adjust and it usually doesn't happen after one request there has to be repeated discussions not just repeated requests here's what I mean a lot of people when they're in a relationship and something goes wrong they say I don't like that do ABC and they just demand from the other person expected the person's gonna change but then I'll ask the person how they feel and what they think and what they want and what they desire what their actions are and relationships aren't like you're over here and over there relationships are like this you're connected and so you have to understand each other in whole and so a discussion means honey I'd like to talk about what's been going on and I know we're both frustrated and we both know it could be better and in this situation I saw this and I felt that way could we talk about that what did you see what did you feel what would you like to happen here's what I like to happen can we make an agreement on this it's a discussion and you just can't bail on somebody if there's never been a discussion about your truth if there's never been a request about what you need and if you've never opened your ears to what their truth is and what their request is too many people follow this train of weird psycho sort of analysis super crazy positivity we're in the world today where one says well you know uh it's just like if you're around negative people just bail on them just find some find somebody new and I'm like actually if it's a real meaningful relationship and there's no abuse but they're just misunderstanding all the time when you have this place of misunderstanding all the time first begin through dialog to try and fix it you can't bail on all your family members or bail on all your friends or anybody who in convening euro upsets you or thinks differently than you the world is full of people who think differently than you so don't bail on every person or every conversation that you don't like just because it's uncomfortable instead open up dialogue and have real discussions and if if you've had multiple real discussions made multiple real requests and the person is just not engaging the conversation anymore they're stonewalling you're in a difficult place that might be the time to consider either getting support externally seeing a therapist together or it's done and if you need some advice or guidance on this I would recommend that you read a book called the 7 principles for making marriage work by John Gottman I'm not endorsing everything that the person does this is not something I'm sponsored or paid to recommend that I think it gives people some basic premises of understanding what science is proven about great relationships and really bad ones what leads to a long-term healthy marriage and what leads to immediate divorce like you should know these things so so read the book and also just realize you're going to have to have those discussions it's going to have to be honest and real and people are gonna start to be opening otherwise if you got someone who stonewalling all the time if you can't get through them to have a discussion about the challenges and issues at hand that things Ahn's way out I think the third big thing is repeated neglect repeated neglect if you're in a relationship and someone just never takes care of you if they neglect your requests if they neglect your feelings if they neglect your reality if they just never take care of you that's not a relationship that's not a friendship if you're if somebody at work keeps neglecting to do the job that you've given them right that's a violation to and when you see that over and over and someone just neglects your requests neglects the job neglects the responsibilities to you your family your kid your team and they're always in this repeated neglect and you made the request you tried the course-correct you've given the feedback that's that three strikes and you're out baby period I'm telling you too many people that neglect happen for too many years and now it's a decade of a bad marriage where they never listened a decade of a team member who never contributed the team and that's just causing hardship on everybody and there's no reason let them go find a place where they want to engage if they're not engaging in your relationship or on your team sayanora three-strikes-you're-out next up I know this is you're like boy this is really motivating Brennan here we think for like the dancing bears to appear soon but this is our topic and that's what we always take on the charge life that's why I talk about fear and disappointment and honoring the struggle because this is real life right this one's important after repeated lies there's one thing called neglect where someone just doesn't do what they're supposed to do doesn't take care of you is inattentive and then there's outright bold lying where people just keep lying over and over and over you give feedback you catch them you ask for the change they say well a change they don't they promise they'll not do this but they do and soon as this happens over and over and over look it shouldn't take a thousand repeated lies for you to get the hint that you're dealing with a liar period that's part of who they are in that relationship in that situation or in that segment of life that they are in and you know what sometimes the best thing you can do with a liar is cut them free so they realize oh my gosh there's real consequences for my line so that they can go out and about find their own truths in life so they can go out and about see the wreckage that they're creating so they can just get away discern something and maybe then they can come back but if someone's always lying I'm telling you you're not a truth caster you're not going to shift them by sheer hope nor will and so please understand if you're dealing with someone who's repeatedly lying that's a time to protect yourself you don't need to be around that and there's lots of other people who are supportive out in the world that will surprise you with their honesty and their vulnerability in their generosity the world is full of majority extraordinarily great capable caring empathetic people the world is not as full of narcissists and sociopaths as television would think have you think and so you have to say most of the world's pretty good I'm dealing with maybe somebody there not a bad apple all the time but maybe in this situation or this little season of their life they are and you don't need to be in that season you know that's why sometimes in relationships you know what you're not a friend with somebody for a while and then they come around three four five years ago later and you and you see they change they're they're more honest and they transformed that's great but you don't have to be along the journey of every step of their transformation to become an honest person and so that's one time you might be thinking about cutting that person loose and then last and I know you know this and this is the number one reason people quit jobs is because of no appreciation if you've been in a relationship long enough and you said hey look I don't feel appreciated and they don't respect you they don't appreciate what you do the cooking the dinner they don't appreciate who you are the love and the heart and the hard work they don't appreciate what you're giving at work and you're just around a place where there's never any gratitude and never any respect appreciation of you is an individual contributor as an individual person but also appreciation for your efforts then it's like okay I'm just not appreciated here let me go somewhere where I will be appreciated not just so you can have validation because the ego says I want lots of people to give me you standing ovations but rather because you know what if you're really giving and you can be honest about it you're giving from a place of true service not from a place that just says I want to be recognized and I want to be validated and I want to get rewards but a place of like this is look I'm really giving here I'm really putting effort in I'm really trying I'm really being honest and serving and they don't appreciate it with either some type of acknowledgement/recognition reward kindness opening doors for you something paying you more whatever if you're just not getting that and you asked for you tell them say hey I feel like I'm doing all these things when I'm not feeling appreciated what else can we do here and you have those multiple discussions but ultimately those it's fall apart but ultimately they lie to you but ultimately they continue to neglect your needs then it is time to move on my friend have heart the world is full of so many extraordinary people if you're surrounded by a bunch who aren't that way then it's time to find a new environment it's time to build that which you're lacking if you're lacking a positive environment go create a positive environment and start letting go of those who just will never come around or who are in a bad season in a life because you don't have to be there for everybody what you have to be there for ultimately is your life you those who are responsible for that you care for but at the end of the day if they are abusive or they're lacking in all these areas we've talked about time to take that hint time to realize it's time to move on let them go doesn't mean that they can't change maybe come back but your job is not to usher everybody through to perfection in life the world's full of great people believe that trust that connect with them again create that white space of freedom so good people can come back into your life again and you experience what we call the charged life hey my friend its Brendon I hope you enjoyed this episode do me two favors number one subscribe to this channel so they continue to get updates every time I release new training for you and number two if you would like to get ahead a little faster in life what I'd like to do is give you my 10 steps to achieving anything 10 times faster so if you have a big goal a big dream a big mission in life and you just like to achieve it faster what would you need to do you know this is exactly what I keep next to my computer or next to my bed and then every time I have a big dream a big goal I open it up and I kind of use this as my checklist to get ahead faster because you and I both know if you're going to be more effective or more productive or you are going to achieve your goals and your dreams faster you're gonna have to switch your perspective a little bit on achievement itself you have to adopt new thinking patterns and habits you're gonna have to have new daily rituals and habits and your entire approach to learning and skill development must be better so in order to help you do that just go ahead and click the link in this post or go to Brendan comm forward slash 10x thats Brendan BR eak and do n.com ford slash 10x and you can download this guide for free just tell me your name and email I'm happy to email that to you for free the same guide I use to achieve any goal or dream faster thanks for tuning in until I see you next time go out there every single day of your life live fully love openly and make your difference today

Channel: Brendon.com

Views: 1,562,743

Rating: 4.8861465 out of 5

Keywords: self-help self-improvement personal development the charged life, personal growth, motivation, inspiration, motivational video, motivational speaker, inspiring videos, inspirational quotes, motivational quotes, life quotes, life coaching, high performance coach, success strategies, the charge, the motivation manifesto

Id: iJ6dwMbta40

Length: 16min 21sec (981 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 01 2016