When a Covert Narcissist Goes to Therapy

I've gotten a few requests to do a video about what happens when a covert narcissist agrees to go to therapy but then it turns into the therapist validating their victim complex [Music] okay so here's an example of one man's experience with this and note that I did change some details to protect anonymity so here's what he said I helped my girlfriend realize her pattern of toxic behavior and I actually managed to get her to agree to go to therapy the therapist diagnosed her with co-occurring NPD and BPD and I was so relieved when she started talking about wanting to change we had hours and hours of deep Long conversations where she was very honest about the pain she causes and why she thinks she behaves in the ways that she does the therapist told her that I was a great influence and support in her life which she thanked me for multiple times it really seemed that our ship was turning around but fast forward a few months and now the therapist is supposedly seeing red flags in my behavior and helping her set boundaries against me these boundaries include her being allowed to text her ex-husband whenever she wants despite the fact that she cheated on me with him and even left me for him once it seems my girlfriend is manipulating the therapist and getting her to validate that she's the victim and I'm the problem and I'm not saying I haven't done anything wrong in this relationship I'm totally willing to work on myself too but I'm realizing that therapy is actually making things worse I'm Lisa Blanc and in today's video I'm talking about what you can expect if your narcissistic partner agrees to go to therapy and at the end of this video I will give you five things that you as a partner will need to know if you're going through this type of situation if you suspect that your partner is a narcissist let me first say that it is a bad idea to call them out as a narcissist all right you're a narcissist you're a sociopath you're probably a psychopath no matter how gently or sincerely you approach this subject there is a very good chance that your partner will get incredibly defensive and potentially aggressive or abusive so here's the thing narcissistic personality disorder or NPD for short is a serious mental disorder so this is a big statement that you are presenting to them some narcissists know their narcissists and they're proud of it but in my experience many covert narcissists are not aware that they are narcissists and they genuinely see themselves as victims so if you do want to talk to your partner about this avoid clinical labels and focus on observable behavior and how it's affecting you be calm rational and make sure you psychologically prepare for a negative reaction the second reason they're not likely going to take it well is because there is a huge stigma associated with NPD and that's because of all the pain and suffering that narcissists tend to inflict on others the third thing is that this is suggesting that they are the problem so if you believe that you are in fact dealing with someone with NPD and you call them out they will likely see you as a threat as the enemy even if you are genuinely seeking to help them so what do you do first recognize that if they have NPD you can't fix them and the odds of them self-reflecting accepting accountability and changing their character traits and toxic behavior is very low even with professional help however the odds of you changing in negative ways are much much higher so perhaps instead of using your energy to save the narcissist use that energy to save yourself to break the trauma bond to heal to figure out what attracted you to this relationship and so on but let's say in the rare event that the narcissist does agree to therapy such as when the stakes are high like if you're leaving or when they are facing collapse what may happen is that they will quickly turn it into an opportunity to convince the therapist that they are the victim and you are the problem so if you're a narcissistic partner agrees to therapy but then doesn't seem willing to look at themselves it is a major red flag that going to therapy was probably a ploy to keep you in the toxic game or that they just don't have the capacity to stick with the process of examining and changing their pathological personality traits and behaviors it's important to understand that NPD is a mental disorder with real neurological underpinnings and so even if they truly deeply want to change it will be extremely difficult The Narcissist has created a fantasy self and a fantasy narrative to replace the Deep disappointment and shame that they feel towards their true self so confronting the narcissist and exposing their facade undermines the very reality that their psychological survival is based on losing control over their sense of reality is the ultimate breakdown in their defenses and it leaves them incredibly vulnerable which can lead to Absolute Terror which they may not be able to tolerate so they may be driven not only to put their defenses back up but also to manipulate the therapist into validating and even strengthening their toxic survival mechanisms because NPD is considered genetic and or environmental chances are that the narcissist was raised by a narcissist so just imagine the narcissistic abuse you've endured so far and the Damage it's done to your nervous system and think about what it would be like to go through this as a child at the hands of someone who is supposed to be taking care of you and protecting you all while having no way to escape the situation so just for a moment imagine having to deconstruct the very beliefs and behaviors that helped you survive in this world since childhood imagine questioning the very basis of your personality of your reality all while your brain is twisting things up and your emotions are playing tricks on you and you've learned early on that people can't be trusted these are some of the challenges that narcissists face and the loss of control over the fantasy illusions that mask their feelings of Shame humiliation fear disdain leaves them feeling intolerably vulnerable so instead they go back to what is familiar safe and automatic and that is to get back in control um by projecting things externally and hiding behind the mask because they're very survival depends upon upholding that mask and these are some of the reasons that the narcissist rarely seeks or sticks with treatment and why they often end up using the therapeutic process to either reinforce their victim stance and all those defenses or to learn tools to mimic empathy and hide their narcissism but let's say in the event that they genuinely engage in therapy and in the case that you are a partner who is seeking to support them through their healing process you will need to recognize and understand these five things number one they are facing a long uphill battle this is going to be hard and it is not going to change overnight the narcissist is not only fighting against their conditioning they are fighting against their own biology and their own sense of reality so they may start therapy in a humble State recognizing and acknowledging their toxic behavior and destructive relationship patterns but even if they truly want to change their impulse to protect their ego from perceived Annihilation is very strong and very ingrained in other words you need to expect and plan for setbacks and relapses number two the therapist will be walking a very fine line between helping the person with NPD become aware of their symptoms their behavior and holding them accountable while also validating how and why they develop these toxic ways so what may seem to you as a therapist validating their victim story May simply be the therapist attempting to create a safe space for them to express and explore the unsafe things that often LED them to develop NPD in the first place number three there will be areas where you as the partner will need to look at your role and responsibility in the toxic Dynamic perhaps you've been a doormat an enabler maybe you've gone into survival mode reacting aggressively or communicating in unhealthy ways maybe your self-esteem has taken a massive hit maybe you're full of fear guilt insecurities and maybe the narcissists caused these issues but you are the only one who can reach out for help to resolve them it can be easy to paint the narcissist as The Sinner and take on the role of being the saint but hiding behind their issues allows you to avoid your own which is a sure-fire way to remain stuck number four recognize that the fractures in the foundation of your relationship may not be repairable once the toxic Dynamic is created it can be extremely difficult to shift the dance when it comes to narcissism once you disappoint them or expose their injured ego they may start to see you as a threat they perceive you through a suspicious lens they get back at you and it doesn't matter what your intentions were or even if you did anything wrong in their mind you've betrayed them and once this happens it causes the narcissist to Shield themselves from you and attack you number five narcissistic personality disorder is not considered curable but rather manageable so again progress will be difficult to sustain to sum this all up there may be occasions where a narcissist admits that they have a problem and genuinely want to change and there may be hope but understand that when someone including a therapist confronts the reality that the narcissist has created to protect their ego this threatens the very illusions that form the foundation of their lives and so they are very prone to going back to their defensive antagonistic and hostile ways pointing the finger at everyone else as a source of their problems and if this happens The Narcissist will expect the therapist buy-in and assistance in reinforcing their victim stance and if they don't The Narcissist will surely find fault in the therapist and likely fire them so sadly sometimes therapy doesn't help and can even make things worse and at the end of the day you really need to consider if this is a journey that your nervous system can withstand because it is not going to be an easy or Pleasant path forward and unless you're seeing consistent effort decrease in symptoms and actual change in your partner's Behavior over time I would suggest that you take a step back and examine the micro and macro shifts you need to make in your own life to maybe get out of the situation you should probably run for more information on recovering from a toxic relationship please click on the link that I've included in the description section of this video to learn more about trauma bonding please click on the link above and lastly if you like this video please subscribe to my channel and hit the notification Bell [Music]

Channel: Lise Leblanc

Views: 37,709

Keywords: narcissists hate you, things narcissists hate, how narcissists treat, how to outsmart narcissist, how narcissists control you, how narcissists manipulate, how to leave narcissist, leaving toxic people, vulnerable narcissism, covert narcissism, hypersensitivity, manipulative, blame-shifting, gaslighting, vulnerable narcissist, female covert narcissist, female narcissist, female narcissism, male victims of narcissistic abuse, npd, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder

Id: JU0-WOzKQxs

Length: 14min 6sec (846 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 12 2023