What Nobody Tells You About Having Children

what is it that nobody tells you about having children that newborns and infants get bored they're so small and stupid you wouldn't think it's possible but if they're screaming and screaming and no amount of anything is fixing it take them outside and show them trees oh dear from all the replies yours is the only one that makes me laugh somewhere someone is outside cluelessly pointing some trees to a crying baby in cradle like here baby looky looky trees one tree two trees three trees please stop crying now the imagery is absurdly hilarious thanks for that really that even after millennia of billions of people parenting nobody can agree on anything about how to go about it for just about every topic you can find people saying going with a particular method is the absolute best thing you should do for your kid and then people that say the same method is the worst thing and will cause irreparable harm to your kid we figured out a rule for any rule scan about four pages of google searches if you find a little of one way and a little of the opposite that can be translated as try both ways see which works for you making rules for your kids is awful basically all children start their lives as lawyers you make a rule and they spend endless time often unintentionally testing every aspect of that rule they search for exceptional circumstances they call on past precedence and they poke and prod at your once iron clad system of encouragement and enforcement until this beautiful idea you had for how to raise them looks like a patchwork quilt or swiss cheese or a quilt made of swiss cheese my least favorite thing to do as a parent is to have to enforce the consequences of a rule i created in the moment to deal with a problem behavior in that moment i try to be pretty transparent with my kids when i make a rule and then realize it was too harsh and reactionary but a three-year-old can only comprehend so much that when they get sick which they will do frequently they get really sick a common cold can flow them for a whole week they'll hardly eat and run a temperature of 40 plus it will scare the crap out of you worse if you have more than one it will feel like running an infirmary for children with the plague i'm one of five children the chickenpox hit our house pretty hard you will feel judged from every corner about just about any and every decision you make regardless of how trivial it seems at the time friends family complete strangers on the street they will all want to chime in on your choices oh my god you're letting your kid eat yogurt out of the tube don't you know that fallouts they ingest by coming in contact with the plastic tubes have been associated with a lower rate of ivy league college admissions parenting involves so many decisions you can't even keep track of but if you make some that are different from others get ready for the judgment and unsolicited advice most people are just doing this to justify their own decisions learn to deal with it and don't take it too seriously that for some parents you don't love the baby right away when my daughter came home i was shocked at how numb i was don't get me wrong i knew all the motions and i was a textbook good dad for my newborn but at first to me she was a squalling home invader but then one day i had to take care of her all day because daycare was closed and my wife had to work she spent five hours screeching at me and refused to take a bottle out of desperation i grabbed a curious george dole and danced it across her rock and play but she stopped crying smiled a bit and popped the bottle in her mouth for some reason in that tiny insignificant moment a switch flipped in me i started loving my daughter i thought my heart was going to explode now we're best buds and i swear she likes me more than her mother how could you feel when you first leave the hospital that's the number one thing that hardly anyone discuss is everyone will give you advice about everything that will ever happen to the baby you can read books about every stage of their life and what to expect all throughout your pregnancy but hardly anyone discussing the how to deal with the anxiety attack you feel when the nurse walks away after casually checking to see if you have a car seat that's the moment that it really settles and you're allowed to walk away from an establishment with a life that is entirely your responsibility from now on no prerequisites no freaking references just two inexperienced human being pretending to be adults driving a brand new fragile life in a metal death trap in the nine months that my wife was pregnant there is nothing that someone didn't tell us about having children whether we liked it or not the minute someone finds out you're pregnant or even married they immediately want to give you all of the insight that you don't need but they demand that you have the moment those people find out you can't have kids they have tons of advice on that too people are nosy freaks newborn girls generally have vaginal bleeding shortly after birth due to the loss of hormones following the detachment from their mother nothing like opening up a diaper and seeing blood to get you worried also newborn boys get chubbies and it is hilarious i don't know why but i always assume that was something that came with age the freaking dishes man every evening cleaning bottles breast pump equipment and setting up the drying rack so the crap can dry overnight and be ready to go again the next morning and getting it out of the way for bath time in the sink then moving it all back after bath nobody talks about this and it has seriously been the worst thing about having a kid late night coddling constant attention meltdowns that's all fine because you mentally prepare for having to deal with those things but nobody tells you about having to do those dishes every night i got so tired of it second one due in may that and laundry omg the laundry my toddler threw up last week and created five loads of washing in one day on top of the other ones i was going to do anyway it never stops newborn baby ears feel soft like rose petals rub your cheek against them all the time because one day their ears will be hard like yours babies are intent on killing themselves by falling off furniture trying to crawl downstairs eating small objects etc you will have to stop them on a regular basis kids are people some are good eaters some aren't some love their sleep some don't respect their personality their limitations and their talents and you'll have a lot of fun raising them how fast they get mobile i have a seven month old our first and she went from just laying on her back and playing to sitting on her own crawling and pulling up to stand next to things in two weeks it was basically like one day she started sitting up on her own and like two days later she was full on crawling trying to get anything on the floor she's not supposed to my phone water glass remotes etc and generally being a [ __ ] was not prepared for how quickly that escalated i have a friend with a one-year-old that just started walking she told me she is for the first time fitting into her pre-pregnancy jeans again everyone talks about losing the weight by breastfeeding but it seems like it really comes off once you are constantly trying to keep up with a tiny tornado that sometimes your kids change your dreams i thought i would have a typical kid one that fit the stereotypical boy you know likes to play outside enjoys some type of sport but my son is not typical he has asperger's and came out to us at age nine that he was gay so we changed our dreams we see so much beauty in him so i don't have athletic team who chases girls i have a wicked smart funny and unique kid we don't play catch we dance in the rain we watch him and all in his premiere at the opera he starred in this summer we rejoice that he has a small group of friends who love and accept him we laugh we make funny videos of him dancing around the house busting a move and we love him a lot we are so happy that he is who he is in our eyes he is awesome i doubt anyone will see my comment at this point but just in case it happens to reach the right person nobody tells you how isolating it can be to have a child who has high needs whether for medical reasons mental illness reasons etc nobody tells you that when your child is high needs you will go through a grieving process that never ends a grieving process for the child he she could have been a grieving process for the relationship you envisioned when dreaming of parenthood nobody tells you that reading stories from other parents about how wonderful and loving their child ren is about how easy parenting is will gut you every single time you will never become numb to it nobody tells you about the isolation about the fear about the stairs and the eye rolls and the hate coming from others who can't begin to understand your struggle because they haven't been in your shoes nobody tells you that in the early years the days you enjoy being a parent may be so few and far between you may question why you chose to become a parent they don't tell you that your love is so overwhelming and so fierce and so deep that when that child manipulates it and says hurtful things it can break you nobody tells you that in the midst of it all there are many wonderful and joyous moments those moments get you through they are the bursts of light in the midst of the immense darkness i'm here to tell you you aren't alone even though you feel isolated find a support group online or locally continue to reach out there are others who understand they will become your village your village is priceless that they're ugly as sin right after they're born at least no one told me it took a few days for them to reach that cute cuddly stage right after our first eye was like we screwed this one up we should not ever do this again but now i've got three so you know how that worked out a friend of mine has three of his own wee ones he still stands by the opinion that all of them resemble garden gnomes when they were born that they have their own personality and it shows from day one don't try to shape your kids character go with it and guide them sometimes that character sucks and you need to accept that my little girls are very different from each other and it started when they were babies being a calm calculated baby carried over to being a smart in controlled child which doesn't initiate social interaction but is fiercely loyal to her friends the second one was a nancy baby that went from crying to giggling and back in seconds and she grew up to be hyper social friendly open theatrical in both good and bad ways we didn't shape them that way we wouldn't know where to begin as we wanted to i used to not believe this i thought all the parents talking about this were just reading into normal baby behavior i figured out how wrong that was when my sister was born from what i was told about myself as a baby it was so obvious how different we were from newborn and toddler years that personality is strong and in them at day one it's actually pretty cool some parents feel very guilty and sad to leave their young babies at daycare some parents do not i thought i would be one of the ones who felt awful leaving my baby with strangers wrong my daughter has so much fun there and i get to go to work and just focus on being a professional i think it's a much needed break for us both and makes our time at home together so much better how much it hurts when they say i hate you even though you know they are just mad and they don't mean it frick man it stings i regret ever doing that to my mom and now that i've experienced it just prepare yourself for it i never told my parents that well they never gave me the chance to if i did the feelings you'll get when your baby first reacts to your funny faces when the youngster greets you in the morning standing up inside the crib holding onto the side bouncing up and down at the knees because they are excited to see you when the two-year is looking tired in the evening playing on the floor all the sudden looks around crawls up on you puts their head on your shoulder and goes to sleep when the whimpering stops after you bandage up another knee when your eight-year-old daughter on the double tube waterslide goes wee wee you'll just sit in the back with a grin and enjoy it when your 12 year comes within a whisker of winning first prize for showmanship in the rabbit competition at the county fair on her first try when you see them having so much fun with their friends and band that awful day in august when you drive them off to college and you know they will no longer be around much anymore that lump in your throat when their name is announced as they cross the stage to get their degree that moment when you realize some other man has captured your little girl's heart it's all a great feeling i saw this subaru commercial too the best expression i've heard that sums up a lot about having kids is the days are long but the years are short no matter what you think before kids you will never understand what this means until you start to see it in the rear view mirror it's surprisingly easy it becomes routine also that you'll panic most days because you'll think you killed the kid don't fret they bounce don't confuse treasuring these fleeting moments with holding your child back for your own benefit also don't tiptoe around the house when your baby is sleeping let them get used to sleeping with normal background sounds and there'll be a more sound sleeper as they grow up finally don't teach your kids baby talk or how to say things incorrectly because you think it's cute that's one more thing they have to unlearn in order to learn it the right way people still look at me kind of strange when i talk to my two-year-old like she's an adult and understands everything i am saying that it is constant it doesn't matter if they're asleep if you're out without them if you're at work etc etc they are always your priority and they are therefore always on your mind even if you're predominantly occupied with other activities and thoughts that the first year is actually the easiest sure you don't get to sleep as much but the baby's needs are really easy to meet and you don't have to worry about too much once they start walking and talking they get into everything and have opinions about everything what to wear eat watch stories to read songs to sing and potty training as a nightmare that makes you wonder if it's really so bad to just keep them in diapers for another year or two preschool and elementary years are hard tween and teen years are even harder hurt feelings broken hearts struggling with homework and learning new skills having to wear the right clothes and play the right games babyhood is the easiest stage by far but everyone seems to think that it's the hardest and it will get easier to raise the person you gave birth to it never gets easier yes 14s you have to deal with hurt feelings broken hearts struggling with homework and learning new skills having to wear the right clothes and play the right games but by this time your kid can take care of their basic needs by themselves you're there for guidance not necessarily more difficult just different looks like we have a lot of negativity toward parenting here i would go as far as to say that not everyone should be parents so don't cave into the pressure if you don't think it's up for you as a teacher and a parent i feel there is nothing worse than a selfish parent who can't be bothered to do the necessary work needed to help their kid succeed and be not grow up to be in butthole but as a recent first-time parent i can tell you what i've learned and what's changed for me first your sleep schedule will change for me sleeping in his being asleep until 7 30 which is what i get to do on the weekends 7 30 is sleeping in my friends who have been parents for longer have informed me that my sleep habits will never go back to normal ever you will become more empathic i have a lot more compassion for kids who aren't my own even as a teacher i have a greater understanding for single parents because their job is insanely hard i can no longer watch videos or even really read stories depicting any kind of child abuse books that i've read half a dozen times can now bring me to the brink of tears because i am reading them with a different perspective i consider all of this to be a good thing you will be shocked by how much you can love your child i can't describe how much i love my son i am cynical by nature and i didn't expect this to happen i never though i would be excited to sneak into my son's bedroom at night to move a stuffy and to briefly put my hand on his sleeping chest in order to feel his stomach rising and falling as he breathes how lame have i become i love it though no matter how you used to see yourself from now on you will see yourself as a parent i spent 35 years seeing myself as a gamer a new yorker a geek a friend a husband a teacher and so many other things i am still all those things but first i'm a dad that's how i'll see myself for the rest of my life i never realize that wiping your butt is a skill i think you're not born knowing that you have to be taught and it will be obvious that you don't know how to do it well you have to practice and you'll make a lot of mistakes it will take quite some time before you're skilled at it likewise being able to determine which signals from the nerves in your digestive system mean i have to fart and which mean i have to poop is a surprisingly subtle art and one where misinterpretation is fraught with peril parents don't get the day off sick too bad you're still a parent and your kid still needs you to be at 100 same goes for vacations or holidays no such thing as time off you're always a parent if you have help it use it it'll be nice to be able to step away for a few hours but your time off work is just another job it's like an episode of unsolved mysteries once a week how did chocolate get under the bathroom sink why is there lipstick all over your face i've stopped being surprised about the things that occur i simply accept them and clean them how much you worry about their poop when they are born you wait for their first poop if it doesn't happen within 24 hours something might be wrong you spend the first few weeks tracking how much they pee and poop you question if it's supposed to be this color brown green yellow black red so many different colors when they get older you worry about constipation since they learn to hold in poop then comes potty training a lot of kids are terrified of pooping on the potty so you have to be so excited when they poop on the potty and be rewarded for it more worries about constipation kids want to keep playing instead of listening to their body and use the bathroom my daughter is five we might finally be getting the hang of pooping regularly you are going to yell at your kids you are going to lose your temper hide in the bathroom for a moment of peace and quiet thank your dear to your choice when they settle down for a movie on a saturday and actually watch the dang thing and look forward to going to work after a long weekend you're going to get sick with things you haven't had to worry about since grade school revert to eating foods that would make college age you turn up your nose and you're going to memorize every line of dialogue and pete the cat and whatever whack but scrappy is up to now and somehow against all odds you're going to be okay with all of that you're going to become a different person a boring safe parental person that pre-kids you would probably hate and you're going to be okay with that too and the reason you're going to be okay with that isn't love or fulfillment or whatever or rather it is those things but only because love and fulfillment and so on are chemical signals triggered by the presence of your own children and carefully hard wired into the reward and pleasure centers of your brain over a billion years of evolutionary development you will love your kids because you have almost no other choice and you will retcon your entire life and everything you've ever said wanted promised and thought to justify that and you'll be okay with that too because once your children are born your shot at immortality is to live on in their memories well that or uploading your brain to the internet our futurology says that's gonna be a thing i'm a father about to start my third case against my son's mom for custody she told me officially today that she is moving again and plans on putting our son in his fourth school in four years it had been discussed before and i was buying time to get my ducks in a row but getting the notice today knocked the wind out of me so i guess my answer would be how heartbreaking it is to be in this situation to know that this constant moving isn't right for him and to be powerless to stop it unless i spend another 10 k on a decent lawyer to carry this through to go into the long term if i lose this case i'm going to have to ask myself some hard questions mainly at what point do i stop financially i cannot keep this up and i'm not sure my heart can handle it either it kills me to think that at some point i'm going to be forced to decide between fighting for my son or giving up going on with my life and being a father as best i can i should have stayed out of this thread when the baby exits your vagina it is very likely your body will tear it is possible to tear all the way to and even through the rectum countless friends casual acquaintances and even random strangers will take the fact that you have a kid as an open invitation to tell you all sorts of things you're doing wrong b how you can do it better and see all sorts of seemingly random personal crap you wouldn't normally tell a complete stranger also to be fair you'll find out how friendly complementary and helpful people can be supposedly nyc and new jersey folk are all kinds of rude but there was never a shortage of people willing to give my baby toddler and eye their seat on a crowded train or help carry a stroller up steps or hold doors or grab stuff i inadvertently drop or whatever that it's entirely optional it's okay not to have kids and be happy in your own life children change everything you think you'll still be able to enjoy your hobbies holidays romance with your partner but it's so much harder than people realize how hard it is to get pregnant my boyfriend and i have been trying for seven months and we still haven't had any luck i've been tracking my period for the last year i'm starting to worry that it won't happen this is the best time in my life to have a baby i'm young i have a place to live and i have the energy to run after babies all day long i hope it happened soon was scrolling to see if anyone would post this people talk about how easy it is but when you read about everything that has to happen it's amazing people even get pregnant i tried for a year and a half and found out i can't have any i hope you don't have to experience the finality of infertility if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

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Keywords: nobody tells you, first time parents, first time parents funny, first time parents tips, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2021, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: MabHFw4qvH8

Length: 24min 31sec (1471 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 29 2021