What if Doom Guy Talked? - The Complete Saga | Doom 2016, Doom Eternal, & The Ancient Gods (Parody)

[Music] ah where am i oh god you must be in a bed bathroom beyond salesman no it will not fire membership i gotta get out of here before i buy some linens or something oh they got a pistol i didn't know they sold these huh i need to rethink that membership i like these little things all right labor death situation i should probably go oh my god i didn't know they carried the martha stewart collection you know i'm starting to like their new layout the skulls candles blood dead bodies finally captures that hell atmosphere they've been going for hey nice suit i wonder if it comes in my side and we're just going to ignore that little mental snap there just wipe off all the blood and there we go looks good on we go ooh futuri all right let's find out what's going on around here demonic invasion huh must be the holiday shopping season let's see here casualties facility damage the red level yeah it's definitely the holidays excuse me pardon me i've had to the right tv's to the left i just don't like the way you looked at me oh man this guy got the last shotgun i'm just gonna don't worry man we can go halzi's now let's go shopping [Music] back here no disgruntled employee calm down man there's no reason to lose your head i'm so cool oh they're into modern art huh was this one supposed to be an expression of man's destructive nature well guess what life imitates smart or is it the other way around ah whatever all right i think the exit's on level two oh my god i'm in arizona man i'm gonna get sand everywhere those nintendos have got to be down here somewhere back off they're mine no i'm starting to think maybe they aren't down here but better safe than sorry i always say huh this is kind of cute my son might like it guess i'll take it everybody likes master chief poor sapp couldn't take the heat hey ah free sd card a delivery drone shoot it down shoot it or or not that okay i'll take this thank you yeah you gotta kill uh me me can you tell me where the furbies are that's why we implemented this yeah yeah that's great burbies i'm looking for a furby hey cool i'm just gonna take this and uh split it with you if you don't mind oh yeah a little something for daddy and it still works i wonder if it's on sale sorry just testing the merchandise hey it works i kind of want a cheeseburger but a taco sounds really good too oh so hungry oh why is this so hard [Music] oh cool one of those little lightning ball things i used to love these as a kid oh god i broke it oh that could not be good oh shouldn't have had the tacos come on those iphones have got to be around here somewhere hey maybe in the secure area excuse me sir i was hoping maybe you could lend me a hand i'm a horrible human being and here we go all right iphones here we come you know i'm starting to think maybe i've misread this entire situation huh what do we got here we're only temporarily disabling the tower yeah you need to remove each lens carefully not listening we go did i do it right let me show you how a man fixes electronics out uh i may have made things worse i have met oh yeah yeah i definitely made it worse i'm so lost i am by what the hell oh my god i've stepped into a walmart i got you now oh oh no no no no no okay i've definitely misread this situation so this is hell huh hmm ritzy that pool of blood up there alone must have cost a fortune not to mention all the spires and the fact that everything seems to be made out of bone where did they get all these bones anyway and how did they even get a contractor down here to do all this all right hell contractors duh well you think at least one of them would fix these open electrical currents i mean that is a safety hazard someone's gonna end up dead you know what never mind he is here oh good they're expecting me wait is this a surprise party how did they know it was my birthday uh what is up with this doorbell knock knock well that's not creepy at all huh looks like i'm a bit late to the party whoa satan really needs to clean his hot tub because uh it's looking a bit mutation inducing one word chlorine huh what have we here looks like some kind of nuclear-powered hedge clippers oh these are some badass hedge clippers hey come on i was invited you were being really bad host right now you could take your badass vitality and shove it oh oh that is oh that is gross you know this place ain't so bad just add a garage a nice pool maybe some breathable oxygen and i could see getting a summer home here though it could use a landscaper just saying that is one [ __ ] up party favor but i might as well take it it's free oh it's a key that makes more well actually that doesn't make any more or less sense no okay you're not going to electrocute me right we cool yeah we cool huh wonder what this is it tickles no seriously shut up where's the pa system [Music] oh my god going okay bye thanks for the history lesson i don't [ __ ] care you know this is almost exactly what dinner is like at my in-laws now it's exactly like it hey there nice to meet you ah you sneaky [ __ ] i got you now what the hell get back here i'm not done with you damn it stop doing that well all right then right back at you um but really i have to climb this this is some seriously inconvenient design wait you put real stairs right there oh you did there we go wonder what this one does oh come on you could have put that right next to the door instead of making me climb this really is hell i wonder what he's got in his wallet uh where did i go just now uh i'm gonna do it again that was fun seriously they even have these things in hell i guess we've gotta collect them all suppose whoa what is that thing please die please die please die die oh please die oh you were really freaking ugly oh what was that oh this is the best birthday gift ever i'm going to kill so many things huh this has got to be it right oh come on how many front yards do you have what's it explosions that i'm not making i will not stand for this where's it coming from whoa what the [ __ ] is that thing that doesn't matter hey you stop whoa hey stop stop making explosions that is my job and guess what better go away now get another one of these i know you're talking and whatnot but what's up with the sky beam i'm interested in that or at least more interested in that you know what i don't have all day you just keep talking man i promise i'm listening to you just keep talking oh my gosh i finally made it hello is anyone home satan seriously i kill hundreds of your minions go through your giant [ __ ] mansion maze bullsh all of that buildup for one rebellious teenager's room nope i can take you trying to kill me but this is the last straw health king sucks i'm going home activate portal there yeah what's going on ah it hurts why does it hurt huh guess i was wrong now we're in arizona hey you okay i'm sure he'll be fine finally i've been waiting to use this all day i love it you know someone should really look in the pictures doors oh that hurts no no that is a bad puppy that is a bad bad buffer come on why can't there just be one damn it i just exploded him like a blood balloon that was cool you sir are not a very ow nice person somebody gotta cut you down to sign i'm clever things seem to be going really well in here who the hell finds time to light all these damn candles seriously talk about a waste of time and energy hello hmm uh yeah i'm just gonna oh that's gross there we go oh man yeah that's what mountain dew will do to you although now i want one come on give me something else to kill what what's up i'll kill you all you're the kill [ __ ] i shouldn't have had that due oh i've got a poop oh god stay on the path the uac needs your faith yeah well i need your bathrooms ah come on i think this is one demonic presence at unsafe levels lockdown in effect yeah my colon agrees seems like someone else had the tacos i feel your pain man but i can't go in here this is just too disgusting [Music] come on maybe there's one in here oh boy oh that system update yeah you alarmed me a means for me to pull you back from hell all right i'm sorry for the jolt well i'm sorry for the puddle sorry about that that tacos this looks pretty cool what are we doing here science i want to science there we go that's science uh oh boy probably shouldn't have science well never mind that was underwhelming science sucks hello is anyone here i really need a bathroom oh my gosh hold on man i'm coming hey are you all right don't worry you're coming with me i'm gonna take care of you hey man i know you're in pain but uh can you help me with this lock let me just there we go thanks much appreciate it great death lasers i really didn't need this in my day thank you very much stupid death blazers there we go wow well okay then i guess i'll just take this big [ __ ] gun at least i think that's what that is [Music] yeah looks pretty nice okay then whatever this is it better be [ __ ] worth it whoa lots of guys yeah i'm gonna need new pants whoa big ugly die die die die die die die good lord how many rockets does it take for you to die die die die excuse me just the rolling help yeah this is what happens when you skimp on plastic surgery that's gonna be one bad boob job never mind this is what happens when you skimp on plastic surgery oh i do not like long illuminated hallways into big ominous rooms uh hello anyone home anybody i kind of would like to take your rock if that's cool authorization yeah i don't want to rock anyway this is weird do i really look that fat and i lay off the tacos all right i'm back for the rock gotta be worth something [Music] dammit that hurts oh come on i still got a headache hey looks like you guys are having some fun uh you just keep doing your thing hey guys i think there is something wrong with your uh red probably get that checked offline damn it wanted to watch the game they must have dish whatever oh thank god i'm hungry let's see definitely no tacos this time maybe a burger some pizza ooh pancakes eh you know really just thirsty let's see here we got soda oj purple stuff oh hey sunny d what the hell that is a long fall there's got to be another way nope oh guess i'm going for it oh my ankles oh that hurts [Music] cyber demon what the [ __ ] is a cyber d this must be where the cyber demon is isn't it uh fine might as well get this over with knock knock i'm here to kill you so let's just make this as easy as possible forever i don't need to poop anymore that's taken care of holy crap you're big bruh you could do that too please don't kill me [Music] suck on that tony stark demon dick i got i got nothing wait no please please oh thank y'all hot potato potato that hurts no okay i'm back here now that's oh come on you've gotta be [ __ ] kidding me ah jeez fine let's do this what the hell hey looks like you lost something your face i don't i don't i don't have a follow-up well this must be the exit hmm should i jump into the shining red beam with pentagrams on both ends sure why not what could possibly go wrong wow it hurts this this could go wrong hey one of these things yeah yeah yeah whatever holy hell that is a big skull like one of those teeth is bigger than my freaking leg must be one hell of a dental bill oh god i really don't want to do this i have no idea what's down there and i really don't want to know so i am just going to wow i slipped oh there it goes my leg bones right to my brain uh somebody lose a heart still beating it's probably important anyone shooting it doesn't help apparently oh well hey could you guys turn down the fire a bit i'm baking like a toasted cheeser oh god another one okay your voice is starting to get on my nerves i need to punch something hard come here yeah this is a healthy outlet no king graham don't worry buddy you're gonna be okay uh i'm gonna go get some help just don't go anywhere okay oh god because it ended so well the last time sure why not that hurts i get knocked down when i get up again i'm never gonna get me down i get knocked down when i get up duh hey guys i think i broke something either that or that ass is finally starting to kick in um help oh man look at all the cool stuff that cannot be good no it really can't that was right i was right oh that thing is really gross although now i'm in the mood for seafood calamari anyone bring it round the rosy pocket polly keep moving yeah i don't know about you but i like my seafood skewered yeah now just fall over dead come on there we go oh man another one fine i already killed one i can do it again no big deal oh [ __ ] me excuse me i'll take that eel to go ow ow it's fighting back out get off get up what did i win the key to the city of hell can i exchange this for something else like a gift card hey there guys we cool we cool yeah we cool big electronics wonder if this thing can play call of duty let's see here oh that wasn't it um maybe it has to do with these things on the side just pull this out here that doesn't look important there we go let's go get the second one here nice dubstep they got going in here all right here we go and up you go sweet that should do it let's play some cod bro all right let's just back up real quick and we'll log in verify my id perfect and oh i think i broke it i come from the land yeah that's not very nice duh i think there's something wrong with your red again don't worry i'll fix it i'm just going to climb up here and uh i guess i'll use this i don't know what else to use it for yeah hey i think it worked yeah maybe it worked and i've got that out of the way hey guys everything good all right cool i'm just gonna yeah i'm just gonna nope out of here and [Music] hi there lady you are creepy they promised me so much uh did you fall for one of those african prince email scams been there they can holy um you're probably fine just walk it off yeah dude you're good stay where you're going that is gross wow son of a [ __ ] holy hell oh god it's crang hey there big guy open wide you're not looking so hot i'm gonna give you a big dose of [ __ ] medicine side effects may include a splitting headache that's good what's that down it hurts god i wish they'd stop doing that oh hey there big guy you've won it's over you stopped the invasion and closed the portal is that yeah my bad you see i've watched your work come to understand your motivation maybe mr stalker man you think the only way is to kill them all leave nothing behind pretty much then you may be right yes i am but we can't just shut it all down why not without urgent energy it will be worse i don't expect you to agree i don't even understand but with this we can continue our work hey i won that gimme i am not the villain in this story yes you are you stole my key i do what i do because there is no choice there's most definitely a choice here give me back my key or at least give me a starbucks gift card our time is up i can't kill you but i won't have you standing in our way wait that thing's a [ __ ] sword well now i want it until we see each other again no my laser sword and uh here we go again ah wow it hurts why does that hurt man earth is looking pretty bad although detroit's pretty much the same i am and you should be ashamed you people are sick all right better get down there i haven't killed anything in like five minutes anyway i'm getting antsy also i could do some supplies ran out of cheetos a while ago yeah checking jersey it's probably there nearly 60 of our planet has been consumed by the invaders sixty percent what's that about four billion people i mean targets i could do that over a weekend i suppose the target is marked it really wasn't jersey i was just kidding [Music] oh it smells in here oh don't you clean this thing every once in a while oh what is that an entrail how did that get in here all right computer load up the portal all right let's go shopping that hurts go uh way annoying zombies well thanks vega could you also point me to the nearest grocery store i need some cheetos oh good time to practice those chiropractic skills let me loosen up that spine there you go stress relieved ah there we go that can come in handy it's dirty i hope no one gets tetanus when i slice up a nap jeez it's like hipsters waiting on starbucks to open knock sorry about that hey let me help you with that arm there you go the jaw realignment's free of charge oh buddy you had something on your face let me help you there you go i got it let's take these the bill those are oh so sorry bill about that oh jeez god damn my reflexes sorry about that you made me kill bill this time don't break the door hello anyone here feel me can you tell me where i can find some toilet paper i don't know what that means but i have money ah that was one hell of a migraine i'm sorry about that uh oh sorry let me just there you go what's going on out there hey i'm gonna better look down here wow i'm getting too old for this has been terminated the demonic consumption of earth has been reduced by six point eight percent there are two hell priests remaining yeah that's great vega 36 priests main two alpha niner bravo i'm gonna need more bullets well hello beautiful i'm going to call you miss shooty i killed demons for a living and these are the creepiest things i've ever seen something mini crank mini greg you know there's probably better ways to move a friend a grenade on the subway not sure why i'm surprised actually whoa mike wazowski you have gone way downhill that puff was satisfying once you pop you can't stop whose tentacle was that did i just neuter a demon hope so whoa hello goodbye huh love what you've done with the place the fire and brimstone slash gothic look swanky whoever designed this clearly never heard of buttons the con maker is present at this gathering when outside of her domain she is by all accounts indestructible well that should be fun what about with the chainsaw grenades i've never met anything i couldn't destroy before this is going to be awkward hey what's up boys how's it going no time to see how can this be no man can pass through the gate that's cool jerry let me in jared say hi but his vocal cords fell out a while ago okay the sacrament of this world to the great khan maker will be made and the energy say what now i won't do what in the what that's what i thought went away big old pansies oh big light or not too far enough try and stop me this is humanity's chance to repent for what twinkies yeah whatever i'm out of here and then i hope he's leaving me something good what the flame belch well i did eat a lot of flamin hot cheetos while i was down there nothing like breaking some priceless artifacts hmm i wonder if this thing could play animal crossing no one told me climbing was going to be part of saving the world otherwise i would have climbed more mountains even for me that wasn't normal oh hey buddy long time no see have you been come here come here whoa settle down i know i'm excited to see you too i'm seeing that wolf again apparently i need to lay off the cheetos or something okay i've got big hands but this is ridiculous blood punchy well lives up to its name another one of these things [Music] still tickles spider guy spider guy killing demons watch them fry starting to think i got a problem best way to fix stuff watch it minecraft taught me that damn i am looking good hey again excuse me for just coming over uninvited figured i just let myself in oh you've got those motion detecting lantern things fancy is anybody here um yes not no nice throne i wonder if it comes in my size do you mean that literally or figuratively because i'm not sure we have time to really get into that right now but the answer to both is cheetos yeah floor's doing things well i didn't really need a giant golden snitch but since you said i couldn't i'm gonna take it anyway hmm kind of heavy you cannot kill the priests hey god sure i can you know our laws despite their transgressions against the government they are still of sentinel blood i know i've seen that blood what do you interfere with now is bigger than you can imagine i don't know about that it is written it is their time to give penance if you continue i will you will bring down the heaven's wrath i'm currently dealing with hell's wrath how much worse can heavens be they are no longer your people to save that may be but what you don't dan he's gone rude a plasma rifle i'm more keen on normal physical bullets but as long as it kills the same i'm good uh you're expecting me to go in there looks like a demon's own intestines ate him from the inside out suddenly reminded of my ex it's in my shoes ah definitely my ax damn nice lantern where'd you get that bed bath and beyond oh it's like a battery like a triple d battery i'll just squish it in there turn there we go fire in the hole oh i gotta give me one of those one two jeez how many entryways do you need hey looks like goser's in town there's a sight so close man just a little bit further let me help you with that make it count these things are expensive well that counts damn you know i really gotta stop going into people it's getting weird ah it's squishy oh i'm in the battles i'm in the bells there are motion sensors and artillery everywhere keen observation there vega so glad i keep you around damn man that is one hell of a security system what are the girl scouts ever do to you do you just hate tagalongs or something i told you all to leave me here i am where i belong yeah that's cool i'm totally listening and whatnot what the hell is this thing my best guess it's filled with chocolate saving your people will not bring you peace only make the burden you carry worse well i plan to lighten that burden by getting rid of all these bullets and i make peace by blowing things to pieces so kind of goes together oh hey it's a glowy ball still don't know what it does but now i want it but hey give me and now you seem to defy the car maker herself yeah it is your people's time now to give penance just as it was mine whatever have fun by yourself see ya fear me slayer when his heart is laid to rest then his sword will be at peace are we talking about i forgotten and so the hair trimmer you trying to tell me i need to manscape bro oh what the hell what kind of design is this who's your decorator bowser oh i will find a way to make that stop hurting you can now find the remaining hell priests by activating your celestial locator that's what this thing is a locator i got it powered up i hope that helps oh god that thing's heavy the second hell priest is located in the northern region of earth i will calibrate the portal now could you calibrate it to make it feel like i'm not being ripped in half thanks oh i've got a voicemail to any arc personnel or survivors operating inside the hellified zones please be advised more doom slayer sightings have been coming in that's me arc leadership do not recommend any attempts to communicate with the slayer directly that's just me please avoid all contact with doom guy at this time oh come on while it is clear that the slayer is an enemy of the challenge true it's unclear if he could also be a threat to civilians possibly if they're in the blast radius [ __ ] it's hell on earth and now it freezes over the suit is not cold proof son of a [ __ ] no this is adorable my kid's gonna love it he totally hated that master chief doll i got him last year that hello is my you're turn enough to survive this cursed citizen let's see if i can answer that question for you your guys are weak to decapitation i think i'll be fine the slayer has challenged arrived please be advised mortally challenged is that what we're calling y'all now i want to make sure i'm politically correct come on open up whoa big ugly geez glad to see walmart never changes die die a lot just happened and i've never been happier all right here's some rockets for y'all's asses this place is kind of nice snake snake wow the snake has a width it has a whip really convenient your salvation lies in his destruction good luck with that myth of the slavery strength is exposed now to us can you see it brothers he has lost the result to continue blatantly untrue not going to taste very good it's all the cheetos i don't think these guys are going to be much protection yeah nope they do burn real nice though this is fun your super shotgun is nearby from your past the priests have kept it hidden from you in this remote location well i think it's time for a family reunion don't you my baby i've missed you so much come to daddy no hey what the heck is this uh what could possibly go wrong that didn't bode well what you got for me machine oh he's ugly what is this some kind of electric torture device or something i'm [Music] give me that baby i missed you you and daddy have a lot of catching up to do oh yeah your service is appreciated and let's go get reacquainted ah i missed you and what's behind door number two john wow this is like the worst game show ever that's a nice skull cop i guess who's in there skeletor or the terminator i don't know what i just did but as always punching fixed it it's not hard i already broke will a while ago small tiny little guy brittle bones shattered like glass the moment i punched him hey there buddy clearly we've met before good to see you again what do we have going on down here i do not fear you you should this match is not one yet come find me slayer i will be waiting waiting uh i'll get better when they run it makes it more interesting so if the train's going 300 miles an hour and i kill demons at the rate of 100 per minute how many demons will i travel in an ah my brain hurts sweet it's like i'm at a slayer concert i'm not intended really the sky beam come on ranic that is so cliche oh hey there it was not easy to find an opponent worthy of the slayer but i think you will be impressed oh is it sugar-free gummy bears cause those do a number on my colon i'd be out of commission for days whoa the demon tank gatling gun rocket launcher chainsaw combo i am indeed kind of impressed i mean it's no gummy bears but what is this what function does this serve what's in there dracula or is this like a loot box type scenario hope i get something good oh i'm building my own nemesis i feel bad i'm gonna have to rekill him now come on again who brought the demons to us in my defense i was really drunk for the gift of argent energy he's welcome it is you who are responsible for your people's suffering whoa hold up i did not invit reality tv they did this to themselves you know schools are not always the best design choice i mean i like ripping them out of people as much as anybody but sometimes a simple cylinder will do fine see there you go how's he doing by the way still dead hey buddy we're getting close i'm excited yeah give him some more weapons this needs to be a fair fight see you soon buddy buddy you're here hello i thought you would appreciate the century i chose uh the great arched hunters from the telus rep say that like i care to be extinct enjoy what is undoubtedly my finest work whoa dude that is a hell of an exhaust i get that way after reading tex-mex too what are you staring at that one's so hard yes they're extinct now uh going down here i suppose superhero landing god that hurts my spine we are not done yet oh come on you've got to be kidding me i thought i extincted you i'm going to create a demon to destroy you sir i made three there we go [Music] oh hello there the beast does does he not seek enhanced power not really gifts to aid him in his noble conquest perhaps in return yeah i appreciate you sticking your neck out there but i don't really need you to get ahead in life oh come on you're bleeding all over the new stone you know what here for the clean up great that songs to be stuck in my head now for weeks this game has gone far enough fortnite i agree it's gone too far [Music] to us what about that pimple on europe there is a 41.3 increase of demonic activity at the nexus of the initial invasion that is the largest gore nest on earth gore what now we'll set the portal coordinates for the super gore nest now gore nest sounds like my type of party but i'm gonna get some r r first whoa that's a blast from the past i thought i gave that thing away to goodwill or something i should really look in my closet more often did i really used to wear midriff bearing shirts man that was a phase ugh my cable management is just horrible and hey there's my anvil uh i don't remember my alt or dessert pointy head being lit i should be more careful i can burn something down hey that's where i put those hedge trimmers no if only i had some hedges to trim i should really pick up the guitar again i have been practicing my ripping and shredding and i don't know what that is glad i got this gaming rig just in time for the apocalypse and right before half-life 3 launched wait did half-life 3 cause the apocalypse oh my god oh the new copy of demonology today living with fear how the doom slayer is only a manifestation of your unresolved inner turmoil only if your inner turmoil uses shotgun shells mortally misunderstood we examine the harmful effects of demonizing the mortally challenged we'll try not being so ugly slayer outrage why the slayer owes the demon community an apology okay i'm tired of all the anti-slayer propaganda ugh my failed attempt at cooking turns out demons all taste like bok choy hey there master chief holding up the books yeah you are yeah i've got some time for some light reading i could pick up that dork norcom book but that guy's pretty full of himself plus it took him forever to put out part four and i doubt part five is ever coming so never mind and there's one elaborate door hm uh can i breathe out here otherwise this is sure gonna get awkward fast all right that's enough of that it's time to find myself by backpacking through europe i'm gonna get me a baguette or maybe a crumpet i don't really know where i'm going so this is the subway they named those restaurants after no promises a slight change in the environment fear not it's all part of the plan what how bad could it be well i see cthulhu's been having some fun oh boy let's see what hell awaits me in here [Applause] uh other than the giant butthole in the distance it's like a real city maybe i can finally find some cheetos i'm not sure what demon this thing out but yeesh it even has its own gravitational pull i'm impressed hey there man can you help me practice my dentistry thanks say ah not very exciting let's try it on fire well there's something you don't see every day what's in here yeah you know what don't care got a chain gun ah what you want to go how do you like my chain gun [ __ ] that's that you know i never thought the game the floor is lava would be so literal ah this isn't cancerous i don't know what is i wonder what this thing does yeah it got the coasters magic winches whoa ah well i hope i at least killed something big the generator is overloaded i have marked your exit point oh oh boy oh boy gotta go gotta go gotta go run run run run run run run run run let's go faster but go faster go go go go go go go get out of my way i don't have time for that gotta go get it go gotta go gotta go gotta go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go i'm okay ah it's in my suit the final hell priest location remains unknown the demonic consumption of earth will not be stopped until the last priest and his guardian are destroyed cool first i need to get this gunk out of my suit why assistance in order to locate the final hell priest i believe dr hayden can help us with our search hayden i will calibrate the portal to the ark's command station hayden the punk that stole my sword oh this ought to be good hayden i'm home where's my sword you hunk of junk good news for the faithful the deceiver samuel hayden has fallen the ark is no more should i be happy or sad about that now call to win let me in the entrance into dr hayden's outpost is blocked damn it cthulhu two peripheral turrets identify calculating optimal firing path the optimal firing path is through you could use both turrets to clear a path i will mark them for you thank you whoa hello down boy oh finally a pc i can update my live journal this is dr elena richardson log entry zero zero two subject analysis of doom slayer january 24th 2163. she's talking about me there's no chance that the subject is a demon we have blood samples pulled from the mars base event that show his blood type is a b positive true he is male with a genome that makes him very much a member of the human race a rather large member if you get me strength speed and athleticism would indicate otherwise but we can see from the blood samples that there are foreign bodies present of unknown origin it's the cheetos i cannot as a contributing member of the scientific community agree with the assumption by some of my colleagues that he is for lack of a better word a god angel the right hand of doom here to save humanity from its sins but i cannot ignore that the timing of his arrival the identity of his enemies the fire and brimstone element to this catastrophe we currently find ourselves in has it has definitely shaken my scientific resolve a god eh i like that henceforth i am not doom guy i am doom god this certainly is a big key what do we got here modern art stupid piece of junk where do they go just now whoa hello big guy well rocket another one of these this is dr elena richardson log entry zero zero five subject analysis of doomslayer february 2nd 2163. i missed a few no well yeah he is a god yeah welcome aboard doc he represents humankind's rage accurate their will to persevere to overcome that which would threaten our survival act yes he is uncompromising relentless being of violence sure why not that knows no mention of the hesitation shown by our many leaders and politicians during our time of judgment yes can he overcome them alone very very yes if he can't if we as a species all species will not survive that is also accurate damn it no cheetos no one is born a sinner you have to work hard to achieve success you know you and i are finally starting to see eye to eye you believe that doom slayer will save you your salvation lies with us not him i take it back it's okay she's just an actress doing a job but if i ever meet her let's go down one way to do it and this is for the chinos and this is because i enjoy it oh this should be fun really sorry about this cthulhu yeah not really though time for a vasectomy first target destroyed the second turret will give you the angle needed to destroy the remaining the stupid angles i hate geometry our trans-dimensional friends shall not walk on tainted ground earth must be cleansed cleansed of spiders i agree damn eight-legged ass-rope-wielding freaks ew it's like ghostbusters 2 it really is hell on earth go i love this song all right got some detentacling to do cutting off cthulhu's tentacle with the turret that seems sensible just gotta aim and then we'll set him up thank you that did it another one this is dr elena richardson log entry 007 march 3rd 2163 this better be a good entry and with him lies our salvation yay we're starting a religion for there is only one dominant life form in this universe and it carries a steel-barreled sword of vengeance me hail the coming of the destroyer the slayer's time is now in doom god we trust with blood guts and ripping for all amen uh there's something wrong with your red again hayden's office laboratory is located at the top of this facility well he better have my sword otherwise he's in for a world of pain if robots can feel pain if not i'll make sure they can feel pain my sword my god yes your god indeed dr hayden was convinced uh that he would come here for this eventually well he was very correct come here my sweet sweet baby we're gonna have fun later once i figure out how you work you're still here uh can i just say that it is an honor for me personally to meet you i yeah that's great steve or bill or whatever hey hey you in here buddy we gotta have a chat as long as you're able to chat without a head hey hey hey dad oh there you are oh you've looked better we uh we don't know how to access his main cortex it's all alien we couldn't figure it out we have to uh prepare for his careful extraction careful uh i've got it don't worry about it there you go you're coming with me signal is fairly readable no you don't die unless by me demonic presence level five is that good or bad well at least you're a bit cooler than the others i dig the suit man who's your designer could you give me their number i've always thought i could pull off the vest look opening the portion no thanks i'll deal with you later be careful vega he's delicate i'm prettier for sure [Applause] don't need your help now let's dance you horny [ __ ] you have now destroyed 68 of hell's occupying force cool come here you jackass humans will not consume first but there is still one priest left and i have lost his signal i can no longer locate him well let's see if this [ __ ] can help dr hayden will be able to find him at least one of us has some train confidence architecture is similar to his own this one hayden hey hey is that you buddy [Music] well then how about you find it for me mr no legs location for you beginning there will take time there is no easy way to access the core of mine agree to disagree there are no known pathways that lead there dr hayden oh i know of one a really big one the bfg 10 000 designed by dr samuel hayden as part of the anti-demonic defense grid yeah this should do i understand searching the coordinates to the bfg 10000 now i've never been more excited for anything ever you can't just shoot a hole into the surface of mars watch me hey how's it going that's my cue i guess yeah i know it's me sup try not to wet yourself it's just me doom god feel free to grovel if you'd like i do take donations don't worry i've got it just point me in the general direction ignore corporate what why because i said so and i am your doom god no i'm going to borrow this for a moment don't struggle thanks you're welcome by the way take five everyone hey what's up boys this the way to the lower levels hey who are you me you can't be here i can be wherever i want to be and i can take whatever i want to take by the way i'm taking this now i've got a date with a big [ __ ] gun have an emergency just dial six three times on your mobile phone and a uac representative will be glad to assist you yeah i tried that all i got on the other end was it wasn't very helpful all right this should be it i'm serious that guy doesn't scare me i'd like to see him try knock knock you didn't say who's there and if you're not gonna play along then move along otherwise i'm throwing you over the railing thought so damn choke killers that control pod contains the energy source of the bfg 10000 i'm i've always wondered what powered this thing in my head it's just a really beefy hamster on a giant hamster wheel i'm telling you he's on his way i need you to excuse me he's over here i'll just that was fun all right just gotta aim this sucker at mars at least i hope that's mars go and boom boom there we go oh that was loud no one's gonna notice that right the pod is self-destruct we should move ahead all right but i'm taking this with me i'm gonna blow some holes in more [Music] planets it should get me down to the surface there we go that should get me down there that is a weapon so narrow-minded hayden just gotta push some buttons that ought to do it ion catapult is designed to use only approved uac ammunition yeah well i'm usda approved or whatever all right let's do this thing uh you know i'm starting to think maybe this wasn't such a good idea uh can we abort or whatever please oh crap okay a welcoming party howdy boys i'm not gonna have to kill any of you right gesundheit moe larry curly looking good as always con the first good guy rule justly gone the sixth kind of a jerk oh hey what's up welcome thanks could you tell mom i brought home some laundry for her to do appreciate it chimp whoa geez my old stomping grounds the havoc i used to cause here they've looked better guess mom isn't taking that divorce so well what the heck am i seeing oh boy i'm seeing flashbacks i finally snapped i know those guys and look they still got their heads how cute we found him in the valley just outside the castle walls he was badly wounded and wearing this oh that's my old helmet i couldn't see that damn thing gotcha huge guts kill them must kill them all must kill huge guts man i really used to be obsessed with personal fitness send him to the arena let him be judged like the others also super glad i finally got myself a lozenge ah hopefully that's the last of those little mental snaps truce don't know the meaning of the word but glad you're finally starting to recognize me as doom god hey what we cooking people looks a bit dry might need to baste it again oh come on i know of what you have left behind my socks what if i could leave this crusade you cannot save them they have asked me for this and so i give it to them they're just socks if you let the priest live then i will return to you what the demons took from you so long ago a decent final season of game of will be thrones again all the pain you carry will be gone a decent final season to game of thrones i'm gonna have to consider this humanity will survive right who the hell designs their houses as a maze i cannot stand by and watch as you put our future at race i'd say your odds aren't great i wouldn't place any bets whoa hey guys uh i guess i'm going to be seeing y'all real soon have it costello man nice artwork although i remember all of this a lot differently there was a lot more blood and guts ah this memory damn i had a good right [Music] geez i really had a two-track mind back in the day didn't i ripping tearing there's more to life past me whoa the demons they are everywhere i had some issues didn't i must kill them all raise his wounds and bring him to us i want to know more about the others he speaks here grace you've looked better if sentinel holy blood is spilled on these grounds you will lose all sovereignty here oh no how could you that'll stop me for sure just gonna make sure my gun is loaded dude that is a hell of a cough you should get that checked oh what now don't you growl at me that's my job what i'm fighting a board that's nothing oh that's significantly harder all right enough posturing let's boogie [ __ ] all right back off you predator reject not feeling so tough now are in fact let's see how you do without your living shield killing a living shield gotta say that's a first for me haven't come across much i haven't killed before gotta say i'm pretty proud of that where the hell were you hiding that second mace you know what never mind don't tell me okay big guy you need to lay off the punch otherwise i might have to kick you out of the club still not dead yeah i'm at a pun so [ __ ] it yeah that oughta do it should i keep this that's too heavy now where's grav at am i getting paid to kill things now man i'm going to be rich this stops nothing oh we'll be consumed that's not normal behavior says the guy without a head hello boys we finally gonna do this i'm gonna be honest i'm not in a group play but for y'all i'll make an exception the portal is ready we should leave immediately fine yeah buy yourself something nice i wish that would stop hurting what the the gunmaker has overloaded your systems vega has no control over ah crap what's up connie if you had let the calling continue the human race you fight to protect would have survived i don't feel like that's true all right i'm totally you listening to extinction chalk it up one for fun uh damn windows updates does this every time this work that stronghold be done sure throw the b team at me let's see how that works out hey hey let's get this baby up and running again shall we she didn't know you had the demonic crew [Music] the demonic consumption of earth has been stopped only a slayer's crucible blade can stop a titan i'm aware did you forget who we're talking about you'll get to the sentinel city of taurus nabard to retrieve your crucible before it is too late without it the titan cannot be stopped setting the portal to taurus all right let's kill us a titan your crucible is still embedded in the titan that attacked this sentinel city oh yeah your first battle against the demons in this world where the legend of the slayer began that was a fun one what was his name again i can't remember let's go grab that sword much like the world's greatest thinkers i solved my problems with punching what's in here huh big machine of some kind wait i remember this we must move quickly there are those who would seek to stop this well if this is from my colonoscopy then one of them is me i offer you a gift is it six free months of aol uh you have tentacles jake it's weird it will give you strength help you on your journey same spiel that drug dealers give this isn't gonna hurt right are you gonna like captain america me and now they will fear you oh god it is my colonoscopy it didn't make me stronger it just made me feel awkward and cause me to walk funny for a week hey kahn i think your septic tank has a leak oh i left a sword inside of steve his name is steve crazy steve hey let me just oh crap i broke it um we can replace that right oh that's my bad oh that's that can't be good oh sorry about that well shhh i wanted my sword this seems a bit too easy what's going to come out and shoot me whoever it is i'm taking this how does this work i just uh hold it up to the thing and it snaps in place or uh ah [Music] it melted my hand but it was worth it to recharge the batteries i guess i'll miss my skin ominous walkways always fun lava i guess we just dip this thing in like fun dip i just could use that to poke people all right let's hope this works oh yeah i have the power it's time to cut a titan in half [Music] gotta invest in a parachute all right any volunteers to test my sword thank you take it thank you erdag is the maker's home world it is not accessible to anyone no human or sentimental has ever set foot in their dimension that's going to change you can use the maker's origin factory in the hell city of necrovall to pass through the void once there you will not be able to leave on your own but vega can create an exit portal for you so then what's the problem that is why you must bring vega through processing total transfer to external drive complete oh this seems like a bad idea hope this thing is solid state is no longer connected to your ship okay i will reconfigure the portal to necroball for you now you're in charge hey hey no throwing any parties while i'm gone do you require anything else before we begin our journey to burdek you will not be able to return until the mission is complete a back massage for some cheetos would be nice well i see hell is looking about as cozy as ever nice eye lava dude wish i could get my eyes to do that probably hurts like hell though no pun intended oh my god nickelback fans there's way more than i thought there'd be that's a big brain what the hell is that okay then what else we got around here that ah brain shooting at me brain's shooting at me you know some clear eyes would fix this right up see this is why you put your torture chamber on the bottom floor because now you have a safety hazard again what function does this thing serve guys you were really just getting in my way well mike wazowski you got jacked lay off the roids man this is raw argent energy the suffering on earth the bloodshed all of it for this that's it once the soul is extracted the husk of the human body will over time transform into demons so i've been killing humans this whole time whoopsies futurey verdeck's looking spiffy [Music] now quickly the con maker is nearby we must stop her before she completes the ritual and gains full control over the icon of sin okay but how do i get there you know bridges are a thing thanks you can just call me doomgod you seen connie girl around here anywhere i'd like to have a chat maybe some tea oh i guess i could just look hey ladies and uh squiddies not interrupting anything am i and hate to break your concentration or necks or something you cannot stop the procession is that a challenge sounds like a challenge is the procession that heart if so that shouldn't be too hard to control it consequences be damned i told you i could do it uh why is it getting faster oh this can't be good oh this can't be good jeez why didn't you all say anything like hey stabbing that heart is gonna cause the icon of cinda wake up hey i'm sorry i woke you up you're not pissed right we cool we not cool you all better ride look i'm really sorry about the heart thing khan over here got although you can't do that and i don't do well with authority and no one warned me about it or anything hey where you going whoa hey watch the badonkadonk you can't just swing that thing around oh this can't be good my bones and organs now insert vega to activate the portal in you go vega [Music] you there buddy system acquired setting the course for the earth dimension now i can screen [Music] excuse you you should look into some tums or something you must get the other teleporter rings aligned before it's too late the gate must be reactivated the longer the icon of sin is on earth the stronger he will become yeah yeah tell me something i don't know all right vega let's do this two down one to go baby and that should do it it's kind of pretty actually whoa that is a big portal how am i supposed to jump in that dudes i can see your junk i wonder what the hell is going on in here all right here we go oh god oh god that is disgusting oh crown is this what you look like oh god some dental work uh let's get out of here and go destroy the icon maker is near she cannot let you leave this place alive she is invulnerable when she has the orb within her chest once removed in the name of our prosperity so that they may in turn find redemption who are you i have you once important to defy our you're wrong i'm not just a man you may have wings but i'm doomed god god it's like i'm fighting mercy except far less attractive unless you're into hentai i guess gunny you okay still breathing hope not they also make the cheetos see [Applause] that's not all i'm gonna yeah break overrated anyway i much prefer destruction it's way more fun hey what's up with the glowy orb can i keep it whoa well never mind then oh that can't be good um probably time to go yeah i know okay let's give this a running start please don't hurt please don't hurt please don't hurt please don't hurt please don't hurt ah ah and i'm in an office building hey hey where's the icon nevermind i found him or her were they it's kinda hard to tell really looks like apple has a new headquarters i dig the new logo soon the gods will walk amongst us once again only then shall we find salvation damn straight and he's right here how the hell do i keep losing a giant [ __ ] monster no you know what hayden i really wish you just shut up right now all right go boy i'm gonna milk you for all your worth that sounded better in my head i would really love to meet the person who decided the icon needed armor we'd be having some words right about now with its armor only destroyed the body is now why don't you finish this fight all right you can't you're broken man you have looked better what happened to all your skin oh that's right i shot it off turns out i had enough bullets now before we wrap this up i've got one more thing i want you to think about and i really want it to stick with you i'm protecting this planet and its people with them with me so next time you all feel like crawling out of your hole do us both a favor and stay dead you won't ever win because i'm king doom god uh i haven't heard him hit the ground yet well there it is i really hope i didn't just wipe out an orphanage or something hmm i could really go for some cheetos right about now i knew it was here sir weather's disrupting the signal but we'll be able to teleport him onto the rig's main deck dr hayden ready to launch the package sir package you [ __ ] messing with me i'm always ready we cannot regain control of without the seraphim's help you broke the seal when you awaken the icon of sin in their world my i could fix that by killing all of them seems easier than whatever you've got planned three two what you've got to be kidding me i'm going out in this weather yeah whatever i've got some stuff i need to get while i'm out anyway let's go shopping again oh i miss connie it came at a price no price is too high for a cheetos run that ended in the slaying of a giant demon without a fight oh no not a fight whoever could we possibly find to put up a fight that might have been the dumbest thing you've ever said hey sorry guys i'm moving a bit slow i'd kill you faster but it's been a few months since i've killed anything i'm a bit rusty and few have had the honor of standing in mind and live through it the seraphim should be more worried about meeting me than vice versa there we go finally getting my sea legs back whoa this place is big and i am probably gonna break all of it i've gotta let that propel me over the ocean well this seems like a dumb idea but oh well i've done dumber let's do this well it's not really what i planned on but whatever works oh hey no legs i haven't seen one of you in a while you know i thought you all were supposed to be near extinction how have i not wiped you all out yet did they just close the door on me what now oh hey buddy bad news they just locked you in here with me someday they'll learn they're gonna have to throw more than one of those guys at me if they want him to stick hey hey i think i've reached sarah farah fawcett or save whatever world and its people resurrect i usually do the opposite but the boy's up for a challenge ah give me damn that stings warning the seraphim's chamber key has been removed the slayer has the key damn straight wait self-destruct um i need a portal ah no time gotta run go go go well that's polite i'm okay stupid self-destruct i should have seen that coming at least i got this weird baseball i thought it was me and my many bullets the rig is completely demolished now is a good time to just give up and let me take this thing yeah i broke it but gotta say i'm disappointed they usually cause far more destruction than this so they keep this guy under water what is he for squid uh here's the way down the hate water mainly because my guns don't work in it time to hitch a ride i'm going to be soaking wet i hate that into the best i go the hell are they using this place for experimenting on sharks speaking of which hello there i wonder if he's friendly the seraphim was the loyal aide to the father you and every human on this planet owe your reality yeah yeah whatever i'm trying to communicate with this shark he's basically me from the sea hey there doom god ah not friendly not friendly ah i'd be mad but i respect that you do you man locking me in again huh what you got two of them they learned oh yeah i love a challenge bring it on here we are i found whoever this thing is you and i remember history very differently hey hey and now i'm suddenly wondering if i didn't just do a really bad thing and no they will fear you oh alright he was um now what you okay there sarah lee oh boy ah worse comes to worse i just shoot him in the face usually fixes the problem oh really we're done talking and you're lucky you don't have two shotgun barrel-shaped holes in your head i'm not listening god that guy's a dick pretty sure i'm the one who killed all those demons don't tell me i was just made by some machine freaking squid boy i'll tie your tentacles in a bow if you catch my drift what do you want dr hayden is the seraphim he's been with us the entire time i hope he's not a paid intern i am sorry there's no need you need to see this because he's not well something is happening and nobody here knows what's wrong with him well no we don't know yet well he's ugly you can write that down also a bit of an arrogant ass hat seriously you should be taking notes yo hey hey what's your glitch located in the blood swamps of hell no i have a summer home there my body is undergoing transfiguration it's called puberty good i wouldn't want you along anyway or you could wait here the seraphim cannot retrieve the sphere it's for way to repeat what he just said thank you intern that's the first helpful thing anyone's done around here despite your transgressions you are given the honor to serve the gods yet again [ __ ] i'm about to transgress all over your face if you keep sassing me ah still hurts now what the hell this is not my summer home you all dropped me off in the middle of nowhere i uh see your mission objective states that you're going to destroy the sphere not retrieve it yeah that's kind of inevitable with me that is not sir what dr hayden the uh the seraphim has requested of us uh you oh it's cute you think i pay attention when he talks okay i promise not to not destroy the sphere better incoming ah thanks for breaking my holy what damn well i'm a bit jealous and threatened not jealous anymore you i do not want to swim in whatever monster gravy this is even bubbles oh it's thick oh that is gross that's the key that opens the entrance to the father's tomb which according to our data should be on the crest of a mountain just beyond this altar that is the origin of the father's realm ooh looks fun oh i gotta complete trials just to destroy something man i hope they involve destroying damn ghosts get out of that demon there you are i got it i got it i got it ah ew it slimed me hey there i'll take that in all their glory okay okay one half down scans indicate that hundreds of warriors have died trying to do this just to meet the father noobs looks like i need to get a box over here where is it oh there it is um punching and shooting isn't working what do i do as always punching was the solution whoa you're back i thought i circumcised you number two yeah yeah yeah glory serving whatever so what do i got to kill now a box really all right fine i'll kill a box well this will be easy okay these gig boxes there huh what now oh come on another one ah ah do it what oh [ __ ] those piece of [ __ ] boxes hopefully this can get my handprint through the gloves okay cool uh what i do where's the sphere sounds like this thing is charging up that's never good oh boy what i accidentally do this time blow something up release something terrible it's usually one of the two that's the second one again whoa you are a bigon aren't you um hi there i am doom god no need to bow or anything though i wouldn't mind whoa whoa bad demon it's a bad demon put me down put me down oh oh okay you're just giving me a lift your doom god thanks you thank you you can go back to sleep now ah now that's a sphere well let's go destroy it hmm a lot prettier than i thought it'd be these things are usually a lot more full of hellfire and death oh hey hey hey when'd you get here couldn't they send me a ride or something had to make me go the long way hurry yeah yeah i don't really understand how erdac and the humans are connected and don't try and explain it again you've already tried and all i hear is if you could just explain it in cheeto supply and demand then you'll be speaking my language so what is this sphere exactly one of the father's kidney stones or something [Music] yeah you're not really making the best argument for me keeping this thing intact what else you got nothing whatever so you're telling me even if i shake this thing you won't tell me my future then what's the use of keeping it around huh it answered ask again later consequences be jammed gotta say i love seeing you in pain it gives me pleasure and i'm not a masochist i just really don't like you now what have we here you feel you are prepared now for this i never prepare if i can help it this is the dark lord's life sphere he'll take physical form if you do this ooh dark lord in physical form that means he can physically die and i'm always up for a challenge i'm gonna kill the dark lord i'm gonna kill the dark lord i'm gonna kill the dark lord this is gonna be fun hey guys i'm back no thanks to y'all except maybe the intern you all should probably pay him anyway i brought you a present my god yes everyone evacuate now what what i do assuming you want to use that orb to go to erdak right i suppose please evacuate the facility now so long as you have a life sphere you can get through to urdak your portal signature will read like you're one of them sweet listen whatever we do i'm in you want to wake the devil not so you can help the demons it's so you can kill their leader once he's taken physical form and that'll destroy all of them for good right you get me i'm starting to like you kid i'm promoting you okay i'll take that as a yes i just want to be part of this i mean we're about to save the world dark lord has only ever been written about he's like a killion years old and hasn't actually even been conjured into any kind of physical form for that long nobody even knows what he looks like so like i said i'm in cool portal coordinates set for erdak in the sixth region of the equestrian polled all right ready for launch doom guy it's doom god but i'll let it slide this time intern guy don't let it happen again i'm sorry hayden's files are extensive and the ark recorded all of it the dark lord can't be killed until he takes physical form they're going to have to accept you because anyone who earned the right to acquire a life sphere in the swamp are free to pass through into the luminarium and insert whichever sphere they have effectively you can awake anyone in there and they'll actually have to help you do it holy crap why the hell are you just an intern you're more helpful than anyone else i've ever come across in this stupid company and that includes heihei the demons now move freely through this world until they meet my fist that of the outcome is sin here this evil has been broken that's vega you left him here on your last mission wait vegas the father was unaware he had children or genitalia unless we're talking about the kind of father where people call him daddy because for an ai vega had it going on siri and alexa were all a bonds i'm a lump rejecter okay there we go we'll go go go oh geez ah my ankles oh let's try that again oh come on got it don't wait no go not again hold on cleared up those sinus passages for you according to the tablets if you kill the dark lord any demon outside of their world will be destroyed well duh why do you think i'm doing this i wasn't actually doing it for that i just want to kill stuff but added benefit yeah oh hey hey hey how you feeling sorry about the sphere thing i know that really could have helped you and stuff it's just you're a dick and i like to break things it just kind of worked out so uh we cool you're gonna let me kill the dark lord are we gonna finally have this out sounds like the latter [Applause] all right i've wanted to do this for a while anyway oh oh that is unexpected i can do that too [Applause] let's [ __ ] do this ah getting this out just feels right hey where are you going get back here i warned you i am doom god [ __ ] he was my servant on my command he removed me from this place i'm not sure who you're talking about right now daddy i've got other things on my mind filleted or skewered it is not required that you end his life ah daddy always taken away my fun well let's go do this dark lord thing i wonder what he's like i hope he's huge like planet-sized i've always wanted to take down a planet i mean more than i already did to mars but that doesn't count hey guys doom god here just here to resurrect the dark lord you don't got a problem with that right if you've got a problem i've got a shotgun that can fix it the consequences of your actions here are irreversible oh i don't know about that daddy i'm pretty sure chopping off the dark lord's head would be a reversal so how do we do this thing whoa hey there squid billies don't try anything funny or rip out your ink sacks now do your thing and don't ask where i was keeping it though you might want to wash it off first so um how big is this guy 70 80 stories i took down the icon of sin you know it's pretty simple if i'm being honest oh i'm not sure if i packed enough bullets this time do you all have an armory around here um is it working i'd love some updates here i'm getting a bit bored i haven't killed anything in like 90 seconds my trigger fingers getting itchy is that him not a king but a warrior of the dark realm this should be easy this is among them as only the strongest demons me me so you're me huh i don't know definitely not as big as me in every sense of the word let's see if you're bulletproof like me yeah definitely got my abs of steel no blood can be spilled in this holy place i think you and i have different definitions of the word holy would you kindly go somewhere that i can spill your blood our time will come if you survive i will be waiting for you at the city of amore if i survive if you're lucky i don't give you a shotgun enema in my well-toned ass wow this is a lot nicer than the places i usually go by the time i'm gone it'll probably be in ashes to gain messages that was a load of gibberish if you wanted me to pay attention you shouldn't speak to me while i'm killing demons now i really am spider guy i love you gun hello there big boy sorry i prefer my dance partners to be naked that way we can get right to the good stuff that's the good stuff oh come on you again how many times do i have to castrate you before it takes yeah yeah you all are gonna have to throw more guys at me if you even want to make a dent at this point i think the dark lord is just lazy ooh bfg ammo whoa that's a whole lot of jiggle and not the fun kind i'm detecting an energy signature from commander thanks intern guy i'll track him down valen looking a little more ghostly than usual my son's curse has been lifted oh present for me for my sins well that makes one of us nice hammer i gotta find some nails to pound whoa where are we going yeesh slow elevator well all right then i found some nails look just finished putting that in there there we go hey intern guy i found a thing this is the torch of kings uh you aren't an intern guy that a warrior seeks passage to the world sphere can i light it with explosions or do i gotta do it the not fun way i'll take your silences the not fun way anyone got a lighter ah never mind i got it apparently ah need to stay away from those tacos all right cheech chong hope you two don't mind me lighting this thing up which i doubt better not explode in my face okay it's done now what oh that's what wow that's bright the corrupted priests forbid the use of this if there are any remaining free crimes left in argentina all will see this light and know what your mission is here cool we are still a day's walk away from the world sphere silly in turn you assume i'm gonna be walking hey jane i could use a left normally i treat myself out of a cannon but i'm all out of cannons right now you need a breath mint wish i had time to chat but i'm in a hurry i see you've already been saddled good that'll save us some time all right get up [Applause] okay gene let's take it down a bit there's no need to be up this high oxygen's getting a bit thin oh i'm getting woozy i'm gonna pass out all right i think i see the place let's set her down right there whoa whoa whoa whoa didn't crash you this time you're welcome thanks for the lift gene it seems you're not the only one who wants this mission accomplished if you defeat the dark lord any demon outside of hell would be destroyed yeah i know but mainly i get to claim i killed the dark lord everything else is just a bonus come on it's like i'm playing whack it even break it on yeah more modern art i always knew that stuff was in hell i don't get all mad about it no one else doing it was supposed to be either well this place is interesting i sure hope other people see the crazy colors otherwise the lack of oxygen earlier may have messed with my thinky thing what's it called head lump yeah i don't need it for shooty gun stuff i better not have to swim this is worthy tell him to send a raft that'll work couldn't have sent a car or a dragon how long is this bridge oh come on well i'm taking my time [Music] i know the bridge is a straight line but i think i'm lost whoa guess this means i'm going the right way is this a portal that takes me the rest of the way no of course not looks like i've got more walking to do you know i have half a mind to turn around right now make the dark lord come to me [Music] uh finally this has got to be it huh bert ernie i'd like to go into the eyeball door please thank you ah ah that's bright ah you all need to look into some softer lighting ah huh not sure what i was expecting but this wasn't it but after all that walking i'm pissed there better be something to kill in here ah that hurts this isn't a crystal at all it's a [ __ ] looks more like a squid convention to me hey boys sorry for killing you all it was uh highly personal i'm uh here to steal this crystal hope you don't mind i have the location the gate of taboo locked in sounds good intern guy get me out of here maybe try to put me as close as you can this time yeah see you squiddies this is the only way into the most ancient part of hell the dark lord will be there waiting for you good i hope he's here shooting guys in the face works everywhere on earth huh i feel like i've been in this office before caution doomslayer city confirmed please save and exit your workspaces yeah i've been here before no bad zombies we'll need to find a way to activate the power in this part of the city can i restore power by punching it oh switch man i wanted to punch it power restored you should be able to continue towards the gate now yeah yeah i need to find something to punch there we go that feels better yep terminator always trying to kill john connor you should have been worried about me though i was ripping off demon and robot heads by six months so you wouldn't have stood a chance ooh found the gate aaron gate of the room offline please reinsert authorization command for reactivation will my middle finger work as the authorization i'm just going to put the crystal in here [Applause] oh hey vega daddy ancient part of hell the dark lord is there waiting for you good let's get some heads rolling he will not allow the city to be overtaken like you it will fight to the end well lucky for him that won't be long hmm i'm kind of starting to like the pain hey darth lord i'm here get out here so i can finally administer that enema can you hurry this up i got some chinos that need eaten well there you are finally nice suit compensating much it's okay no one's gonna care how inadequate you are when you're missing a head so we gonna do this thing or what excuse you cover your mouth when you burp yeesh oh you called in reinforcements oh jeez i'm shocked friendly advice you're gonna need more it's okay i'll wait still gonna need more keep them coming wow nice army but it's not enough because while this might be the final battle for you for me it's tuesday what the uh hi thanks for coming but i don't need you seriously you all can go home i'll catch up i'll be there in like 15 minutes yeah fine whatever sorry about this they just showed up on my left [ __ ] i would kill you all myself but yeah this will save a little time brother let me do the one-liners man um hold on i gotta think of a good one uh oh i think i got it team two god disassemble them hey guys i need a lift you want to see that weak point i think you won't get me up there i'll take that as a yes a little bit to the right i should do fire away my head lump out we had no idea hell had their own technology it must have been centralized here like some kind of ruling elite what you've never heard of twitter whoa guess that's where lesser me is where's that dragon when i need her ah who needs limbs anyway what the hell is this thing oh there you are i've been looking all over for you man wait where you going put it away it's okay it would be too don't worry i'll catch up all right let's do this thing i got places to be that should be all of them now how do i oh hey i'm taking your ride matter of inter-dimensional security there we go toro [Applause] thanks for the lift time to go fishing ew catch you're approaching the dark lord sanctum i'm starting to lose my connection though doomslayer it's doom god we've had this conversation not sure you got any of that but try to remember next time well guess it's time to jump into this giant red beam please don't hurt that is some nasty flame you all got there yeah but conflict was born in hell but i perfected it a fire that fuels creation and gives purpose where there is none yeah yeah how about instead of talking about it you let me give you a hands-on demonstration sure you can stay in the suit isn't gonna help you though just say win i'll go when you're ready my true god is me because i don't god you [ __ ] wanna be yeah how do you like my purpose now so how's it going for you man i'm not keeping score but i gotta admit it's going pretty well for me for too long have i been imprisoned by my own creations you will not stop my vengeance i might you're the one who betrayed me did heihei steal your sword too tell me what he is so what i ascended all i've heard is you've lived too long doubt that treachery of my servants they sealed me away stole my power and name and now the time has come for a reckoning i fully agreed yeah good luck you accidentally made a god that's new and improved unmake me my ass now i want to say this to you face to face man i should watch this thing more often anyway you may be the dark lord but you will bow down to do god tell me have you nothing to say to your creator before you strike him down no [Music] well that's certainly loud ah hmm oh crap i'm just gonna take a little nap what the where am i whoa what are y'all doing stop it i'm i'm fine now you can let me up okay guess i'm taking a rest then fine hope you'll pack me something to do in here like a nintendo and it is really dark in here can i get a light wait what's that cheetos oh and there's like 50 bags of them in here oh never mind guys we're good you all come get me whatever good finally [Music] you

Channel: Press Start To Laugh

Views: 3,085,416

Keywords: DOOM, DOOM Eternal, DOOM: Eternal, DOOM ETERNAL THE ANCIENT GODS, THE ANCIENT GODS, The Ancient Gods DLC, DOOM: Eternal The Ancient Gods DLC, What if Doom Guy Talked?, Silent Protagonist, DOOM Guy, First Person Shooter, FPS, PC, PS4, Playstation 4, XBox, TheHiveLeader, HiveLeader, Hive Leader, Comedy, Humor, Funny, Joke, Hilarious, Fun, Press Start to Laugh, Press Start Laugh, Press Start 2 Laugh, PSTL, PS2L, DOOM Slayer, Voice Acting, Doom 2016

Id: bqIL342Krfc

Length: 129min 14sec (7754 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 11 2021