What does it mean to go "no contact"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)

hi everyone its dr. Romani welcome back to this series that is sort of a glossary handbook dictionary of terminology that we often use when talking about narcissism or narcissistic relationships the idea for this came from the fact that I was seeing so many people using so many different terms that are specific to this world and I thought to myself you know it's really important that people know what these words mean and that we kind of have some uniform definitions and so the goal of this series is to make sure that these words make these terms or words make sense that they enlighten you to some of the themes in these narcissistic relationships and may even give you techniques for how to manage these relationships today we're going to talk about the term no contact before I begin I do ask if you're enjoying what you're watching please hit the subscribe bell in the notification then subscribe I think it says the word and the bell that gives you notifications so you can be kept up to date on the content we have on this YouTube channel so let's go ahead now and start talking about no contact this is a term that many of you who've any of anything to do with a narcissistic relationship you've heard this term I want you to think about a toxic person in your life right now just think about it whatever that narcissistic relationship is then I want you to think about how it would feel to never talk to them again ever just stay with that feeling I'm guessing that you are experiencing a mix of emotions relief fear sadness confusion guilt freedom and that mix of emotion cuts to the core of why going no-contact is so difficult let's talk a little about a bit about what is meant by no contact and why it is such a hot topic in understanding narcissistic and toxic relationships no conduct is exactly what it sounds like it's having no contact with the narcissistic person no longer reaching out to them but more importantly no longer responding to them I'm gonna be honest you know contact works and the reason it works is because in general narcissistic relationships really don't change and there's nothing that you can do or that you can say to make the relationship less invalidating to make it more respectful and to make it more empathic it just isn't so as a result every time that you have contact with these folks you end up in the same place and it feels awful it is a white-knuckle experience to ignore all communications from someone you're accustomed to constantly sparring with in the age of technology it's becoming easier we can set numbers and emails and other notifications to block we can block social media accounts but the fact of the matter is if a person wants to contact you they will find a way and that's where this all gets really tricky because it can take a lot of psychological cognitive bandwidth to keep blocking someone especially someone that you are conflicted about they're gonna do all the kinds of things that they do they're gonna come up with new phone numbers and fake identities they're gonna try to find a way to get in it almost becomes like a game for them no contact trying to maintain no contact under these circumstances can start to feel like a full-time job no contact works because it ends the air supply for the narcissist or the narcissistic apply for the narcissist in general the narcissist relationships are their source of supply it's a place for them to regulate their emotions in essence their relationships involve other people being punching bags for the narcissist to rage and once the narcissist is done raging and feel better they don't stop to think whether their dysregulated and raychel Trant rums actually hurt the other person so no contact most importantly is a tool that lets you end these cycles and that is what narcissistic relationships are about unending toxic cycles but I mean I'm gonna be honest let's face it it is not always possible and it is not always practical to go no-contact it's really hard if not impossible to truly go no contact obviously with someone you live with or with a boss that you report to or to a mother that you may live next door to or to an adult or with an adult child that you may still see regularly no contact really does kind of require the person to largely be out of your life now people who are going through divorces with narcissists they tried no contact they really do now the fact is true no contact cannot work if you have minor children together because arrangements about custody and all of that need to be discussed even if it's in a minimal way and there's two words exchanged at a drop-off but it's also important that you talk with your attorney and your other advisors because if you try to go true no contact with a parent with whom you share joint custody frankly it is going to backfire on you so like I said while you have minor children no contact is simply not an option now when you can go no contact it definitely but there is a timeline to this so for example if you're divorced and you don't have kids you can go no contact so let's take a minute and talk about the timeline of what happens when you go no contact in a narcissistic relationship now for a while the amount of communication in your relationship is actually going to increase you may not know it if you block them but it will they're going to keep trying to reach you be prepared for dozens if not hundreds of texts emails phone calls they get angrier and anger and sometimes even threatening over time they may start trying nice but then it goes angry quickly they may threaten to blackmail you they may threaten to tell other people terrible things about you even if they're not true they will keep doubling down until you break and you contact them and then they will square off and scold you for you thinking that you could cut them out so how dare you think you could cut me out but if you're able to keep your nerve and stick with the no contact just like any living creature that isn't getting any kind of reward if the mouse won't work the maze unless there's cheese if you don't give them a reward they will fade away they will move on to new sources of supply trust me they will definitely continue to say terrible things about you but they may stop bothering you and go away now many people who go no contact will tell me that they feel like they have symptoms of post-traumatic stress for years even after going no contact they still maintain a fear that they will run into the narcissist somewhere and they live in fear of that day they feel fear even when they see a car that looks like the narcissus on the street in many cases over time the narcissus has lost interest they may just say a few ugly words and move on if you're fortunate you no longer live near where the narcissus lives so there's less of a chance of running into them in the grocery store now no contact also can get very complicated by other people people will often call you out for being not being a nice person they're gonna say oh you're being so harsh or come on I'm sure you can talk to them for just a minute how bad could it be and this feels it feels doubly awful because you feel as though you are being gaslighted and that your reality about the situation is being doubted but you also may feel judged for going no contact and that this idea that your point of view is not recognized and the self-doubt that is such a classical part of narcissistic abuse may get activated and then you crack it takes a lot of fortitude and at least one person believing in you and what you're going through and supporting you to be able to sustain and stay strong with your no contact now this person may be a close friend who knows what you've been through someone else in the system I don't know my be might be a counselor or a teacher or someone like that who may be going no contact - it may be a therapist who understands what you're going through for many people the guilt of no contact can really make no contact feel like a catch-22 again some people feel that while being in contact is terrible and taxes your energy and it just feels toxic and awful that cutting off the narcissist triggers so much guilt in them and there's lots of reasons for this a person who has experienced narcissistic abuse often comes from a family of origin where guilt was a major part of the dynamic and people with other factors like they're very prone to exact anxiety may also be prone to guilt the guilt becomes a bigger target issue for you to work on in your own counseling therapy but I cannot tell you how many narcissistic relationships I have witnessed that have been kept in place for decades and even for lifetimes because a person felt guilty about cutting the narcissistic person out but here now is the other clincher narcissus are so good at playing the victim and as such they pull her guilt from other people they'll try things like saying things like how could you stop being in touch with me when I've always been there for you we're just gas lighting and I gave you money or whatever it is that the narcissist think they did or they frame it the narcissistic person will frame it as I can't believe you're doing this to me I'm going through such a difficult time how could you do this at such a difficult time for me now of course a narcissist is never quite gonna see the irony of the many many many times that they let you down and we're nowhere to be found when you were struggling but you know what they're gonna say when I'm going through such a hard time bla bla bla bla bla when I'm going through a deadline when my mother is saying when I'm focusing on my sobriety when I'm just starting therapy to be a better person for you I don't know when I am having money problems and on and on and on and these are the manipulations they will use to play on guilt so you don't think about going to contact or to break your pattern have no contact now what if you go no contact and then you slip up it happens it happens all the time and I always tell people please be kind to yourself when that happens if you blame yourself or if you feel foolish because you slipped up on no contact it can make you even more vulnerable to the narcissists abuse and the narcissists manipulations now listen it happens to the best of us now you might wonder what why why do people why did I slip why did anyone so why do people slip when they go no contact I hate to say that sometimes its simplest because they're curious because enough time has passed doing your no contact you get stuck in euphoric recall and you only start remembering some of the good stuff and forget all of the bad and there's a lot more about than good you because you feel stronger now and you might feel like you can handle the narcissist and maybe you can but because narcissistic relationships are so much like an addiction and you feel pulled back to the dysfunction and the high highs you felt in that situation it's so easy to fall back into it there are lots of reasons that people crack or break when they are going no contact it happens I also tell people that the minute it turns toxic again if you do slip and you do break your no contact when it slips and goes toxic you can turn it off again but the problem is that the narcissist now knows that someday you may come back around so what do they do they keep trying you have to be careful because the cycle of going no contact and them and then letting them back in can get very messy and then you can just keep going into this back and forth highs and lows finding yourself stuck in that cycle like the initial love-bombing that happens when the narcissist tries to win you back after you go no contact but then inevitably they will devalue you and they will discard you because that's what they do and the fact is they'll devalue you more because I think they can play you and then you might start getting too addicted addicted to the no-contact cycles as a way to keep those highs and all of that in place don't do it it's a difficult and unhealthy cycle if you're going to go no contact really try to commit to it no contact does work when you give it a chance it's not even a strategy that you can adequately judge for yourself in your situation until you've really done it for about a month maybe four to six weeks you need to pay attention to how you feel because yeah I know you're gonna feel guilty you're gonna feel confused you're gonna feel lost but you also have to pay attention to that sense of relief pay attention to how it feels to not have to deal with someone who is constantly criticizing you and undermining you controlling you gas lighting and letting you down on the daily basis really pay attention to that feeling of what it feels like to not just always be invalidated so even on your hardest no-contact day that new feeling of lightness of relief of freedom and a new little sliver of hope can really get you through the dark days and make the ongoing no contact days easier now what about when you can't go no contact but you really need to because the relationship is so toxic and so awful now that's where we can do a bit of a we can call it a modified no contact and it's a lot of what we do when we gray rock and gray rock as you know it's also a video in this series but this kind of modified no contact means a very very superficial level of engagement and again the gray rock series will spell out how to do that but there's also one other slice of hope when it comes to no contact for the most fortunate people one day and this is a good day you become indifferent to your narcissist it doesn't always happen but it can and you may literally get to the place where you do not give a damn about what happened - your narcissist good or bad you don't care if he gets married you don't really even care if she gets hit by a bus you don't care if he wins a million dollars you don't care if she loses it all and has no place to go you just don't care and that is a good moment because in some ways at that point no contact doesn't matter because even if they did contact you there once absolutely formidable powers of manipulation and coercion and charm and charisma they no longer work you want to know why because you don't care it's the top of the narcissistic abuse recovery Mountain and when that happens no contact just becomes normal just like oh why would I stay in touch with someone who I just feels like an absolute stranger in many ways so let's go back to the beginning let's talk about what it would feel like to cut that toxic narcissist out of your life forever right now understand that it will be a mix of feelings that some days will be harder than others but also recognize that being near anything toxic is never good for us no contact is not something sadly that everyone in a narcissistic relationship can use but if you can in most cases you will see that before you know it it's like losing a lot of psychological weight and now living in the state of clarity and self compassion honestly when you go no contact for long enough if something happens that punctuated sit that breaks through that you have to have contact family funeral or something like that something that forces you to break when you practice that no-contact muscle for long enough when you finally do have to have contact whether it's indifference or something else you may not at all feel the powerful the powerful suck of their magnetism and their vortex it is a powerful technique it's not one that's available to everyone but over time you'd be surprised one day even if it's a divorce and you did have kids once those kids grow up you'd be surprised that one day you might actually be able to go no-contact in every narcissistic relationship you have give it a shot on the ones you can I hope this clarifies what no contact is and that the rest of the series is clarifying all these sort of glossary terms of narcissism if you're enjoying this please hit the subscribe button and the notification bell so we can keep you abreast of all the contact that all of the content that comes through on this particular YouTube channel on narcissism and narcissistic relationships and if there is a topic in this series that we didn't hit upon that you think belongs here please drop it down in the suggestions watch all 21 days but even if you don't want to wait you're like I want to know if you're gonna be doing a episode on this drop it here hopefully we're already doing it but I am absolutely open to take on taking on the other terms you think are important thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 335,608

Rating: 4.968164 out of 5

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: ZydOTglg5i8

Length: 21min 23sec (1283 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 17 2020