No contact relapse - how to deal with it

hi everyone its dr. Romani and today we're gonna talk about something that came to me through a few emails and requests for content we're gonna talk about the no-contact relapse kind of sounds scary because it is but please as always subscribe subscribers make a difference for us and it's and that's also a great way for us to notify people about series new content live events all of that let's talk about the no-contact or relapse what is that so many of you out there might currently be in a no contact phase in your narcissistic relationship whether it's a partner family member friend no contact for those of you who may not know it's exactly what it sounds like no contact can be on a continuum it can be as simple at the more mild levels of just simply having no more contact with someone even if they text you don't respond you don't take their calls you can see that they're calling you and and your if you're lucky you don't for example have kids in common you can have you can go no contact you live far away from them so it's easier at the extreme end of no contact if somebody really goes all the way with blocking them in every possible way blocks their phone number blocks their ability to text them blocks emails really might even work with somebody a computer consultant to block all that social media and everything and at the most extreme levels we're talking about things like emergency protective orders restraining orders and luck those kinds of protective elements but no contact in any fashion means you no longer have contact with a narcissistic individual does it work yeah pretty much it does work now as anyone will tell you about no contact and no context sometimes is in a framework of something we call grey rock which is where you go completely sort of psychologically cut off from the narcissist it will incense them anger them and inflame them because their power over you is being able to get in there get their supply insult you invalidate you Menace you and like to know that they have you on the chain if you go no contact they've lost that source of supply and many people who've gone grey rock or no contact have reported that this actually sometimes for a little while could make things worse and I do I do keep that in mind but as a general strategy no contact works because obviously now this person doesn't have contact with you and narcissus they tend to be very what we call reward dependent after a while once they realize they're not gonna get any supply from you except in that small percentage of cases where they may get violent and lash out because someone's going no contact they're going to get bored and then they're probably going to go on to a new source of supply but one thing that can happen to people after a long enough time whether it's weeks or months or sometimes even years of going no contact you kind of get your stride back you get some of your confidence back but unfortunately sometimes you don't always hold on to the lessons you got from that relationship what do I mean by that what I mean is you're starting to feel like a normal person again you're starting to realize that there's some hope in the world and sometimes people think well now maybe I'm ready from quote foreclosure check out that video I have that says there ain't no such thing as closure with a narcissist once just as you start getting yourself together again that narcissist may reach out and you may think I'm strong enough to do this so you break your no contact and you talk to them you're like I am stronger now I can handle this keep in mind there's one person in this thing who hasn't changed and that's the narcissist they're gonna be up to their old tricks because you're feeling better about yourself in the initial phases especially if it's been a longer period of no contacts a few months or even up to a year the narcissist may do sort of a second phase of love-bombing light trying to win you back in and then the most dangerous thing of all might happen you might start feeling hope again hope and narcissism are a really bad mix because then you start thinking ah you know what maybe they went ahead and changed and so you start open yourself up more and more in the worst case scenario sometimes you even go back into the relationship and then before you know it you're being manipulated you're being gaslighted you're not only right back to square one you might even be worse off because now you feel bad and ashamed that you fell for these tricks again I'm here to tell you that it's okay no contact relapses happen one of the most important things you need to keep in mind is self forgiveness they happen because you've gotten stronger and mercifully some of your belief in the goodness of human relationships have returned just not wait the narcissist that's where the hope doesn't belong so what I do sometimes see people chasing is two things the hope like well maybe they did change or secondly closure which you can't get there's no such thing as closure with a narcissist and people so desperate for that after having gone no contact and endured it and white-knuckled it and gotten through three or four months of it five months six months maybe even years they think they can finally have that that conversation where it all finally will make sense that's not going to happen and like I said what's more likely to happen is you're gonna fall for all the old tricks again and then have to go through the headache of getting yourself out of it again because leaving a narcissist more often than not is not very easy but just to remind you a no-contact relapse is so normal don't be hard on yourself it happens hope the quest for closure perhaps even just missing the person and the handful of good memories you had compel you to want to see them again that's human when we think about the no-contact relapse it actually could help you if you haven't already watched it to watch the video on how a relationship with the narcissist is a bit like an addiction that'll give you a feel for why you think you can the best analogy I can give you is a person who may have been sober for like a year or two and say I've got this mastered I can drink one glass of wine I can start one line of coke and I can smoke one cigarette and then they're completely back off the that's where I'm saying that there's a vulnerability and watching that video in addiction because it is a relationship with the narcissist can feel very addictive that will give you some context for why people are so vulnerable to the no-contact relapse the key though is that because you may feel bad about having done it don't let that chain block you from forgiving yourself and getting out of it again once they start showing that gaslighting the contempt the coldness the invalidation you know the laundry list that becomes that reminder to not go back again and I actually think you can pull a gift out of the no-contact relapse I don't believe that any lesson in this life is wasted and by going in again you break that no-contact you fall for it again sometimes you need that additional reminder of how unlikely this situation is to change I would estimate that most people I know who've been in narcissistic relationships go back three to five times that's not an unusual number of no contact relapses some people maybe only once and some people never it depends but the fact of the matter is it's normal it's human be kind to yourself and learn from it let it be a reminder of how little this relationship has changed and that no matter what our relationship of this individual is always going to be a space of manipulation emotional abuse invalidation and just a general unhealthy space thanks again so much for tuning in please subscribe you know again we have lots of information about all kinds of events retreats and seminars and our YouTube lives Instagram lives you name it lots of ways to get good information and I look forward to seeing you again soon

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 108,948

Rating: 4.9697852 out of 5

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: RUQGnrXnzZE

Length: 8min 39sec (519 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 13 2020