How Narcissist Experiences/Reacts to No Contact, Grey Rock, Mirroring, Coping, Survival Techniques

and now i'm inviting you to a tour of the narcissist mind as we tour the narcissus mind you will understand why each of these techniques is working so this is actually the second part of the lecture is to explain to you why these techniques are working and to allow you with this deeper understanding to use these techniques more effectively the reason the narcissist is very effective at manipulating you controlling you and inducing in you emotions and moods is because exactly like you the narcissist is a victim narcissist narcissism is a post-traumatic condition the narcissist has been the victim usually of his parents as a victim the narcissist chose a specific a highly specific solution but the fact that the narcissist chose a specific solution does not mean that the narcissist is not a victim he is as much a victim as you are the reason the narcissist victimizes you is that he wants company as long as you are not victimized you are alien to the narcissist narcissist wants to feel at home among his own kind he wants to be among victims because he's a victim so he converts and transforms every everyone around him into a victim simply to feel at home and of course the clinical concept is comfort zone the narcissist comfort zone is among victims the narcissist will victimize you never mind what you do never mind what you do not do never mind how often you do or do not do what you do or do not do never mind if you are because they don't even have to be for the narcissist to victimize you and here's the worst part when the narcissist converts you to an image of himself he's doing you a favor because he is superior he is god-like he is bringing you up to his level what does it say in genesis the first chapter of genesis in the bible god created men in his own image the narcissist creates you in his own image he is furious at your lack of gratitude here he is investing in inferior you he's very close to god sometimes they change places and here he is [ __ ] having chosen you having selected you he could have chosen anyone but he chose you and here he is molding you shaping you like pygmalion and galatea and how do you react you're unhappy you claim to be abused and victimized you're too stupid to realize the enormous gift you're receiving you must understand this the narcissist is very angry at you all the time either because you are too [ __ ] to appreciate his gifts which is usually the case or if you are intelligent you are too ungrateful the narcissist partner is a in a binary state without or ungrateful and usually ungrateful [ __ ] and so the narcissist says to himself to mold my partner i must resort to extreme and radical measures americans call it tough love they tried it in iraq this is tough love it's for your own good you will thank me one day if you survive but there is a problem and now i'm going to take you into the soul the psyche and the mind of the narcissist there was a sociologist by the name of guidance and in the 1990s guidance came with a concept called ontological insecurity ontological insecurity the narcissist is in a state of ontological insecurity what is ontological insecurity it's when you don't feel continuous when you don't feel that your yesterday or your today is a continuation of yesterday and your tomorrow will be continuation of today obviously if there is no continuity it is impossible to develop an identity the narcissist is possibly the only form of human who has no core no identity no carnell 1995 i proposed that narcissist narcissism is a form of multiple personality disorder because the narcissist has two cells true self which is a traumatized very very young child who is paralyzed by fear and hurt so this child is dysfunctional and has no effect on the psychodynamics of the narcissist and there is the false self which is god like we'll come to it a bit later yes true and false technically it's multiple personality disorder because it's a person with two personalities but i i was wrong the second time i admit i admit something today i don't know what's happening to me i was i was wrong because in multiple personality known today as dissociative identity disorder in dissociative identity disorder there is continuity the person with multiple personalities has many personalities but each of these personalities has perfect memory and perfect identity and each of these personalities has total continuity so if someone with multiple personality has six personalities and one of these personalities is sam the sam comes out talks talks to the therapist and then four months later sam comes out again sam will remember the conversation with the therapist the six personalities have total continuity total memory total identity not the narcissist narcissists forget or have no access to almost 80 percent eight zero percent at least according to my studies eight zero percent of their memories every minute it you are confronted with a new person new narcissist which has nothing to do with the person a minute before narcissists suffer narcissists suffer from something called dissociation dissociation is breaks in memory missing time so the narcissist misses seconds milliseconds microseconds but misses all the time he dissociates he dissociates all the time he is not continuous how to live like that what the narcissist does is called in clinical terms confabulation the narcissist the narcissist invents stories to cover the missing parts the narcissist says to himself i remember picking the golf club and i remember the ball going to the to the hole but i don't remember anything in between so let's see probably probably it's logical that i hit the ball with the golf club probably it's logical it makes sense it's plausible but i do not remember it and this is called confabulation very often the narcissist gets the confabulation wrong so people think he's lying or gaslighting he's not he's confabulated here's your problem as victims or partners the narcissist is is like the river of heraclitus you know pantarei you cannot enter the same river twice you cannot talk to the same narcissist twice you do not have a relationship with the same person you do not communicate with the same human being not only there is no one there there's nobody there but the emptiness itself is fragmented and fractured to pieces it's like an empty beautiful empty palace with no inhabitants and the walls themselves are cracked and falling down partners of narcissists cannot digest this there are two things that victims of narcissists cannot accept and cannot digest one the narcissist does not exist there is nobody home there is no person there i mean probably many of you know that i'm a narcissist yes i've been diagnosed with narcissistic personalities yeah twice over 15 years it's pretty safe i'm one so you look at me here i am joking talking drinking coffee drinking water smiling at barbara what am i missing some of you may think that i'm reasonably okay looking those with myopia so it is impossible impossible for you to to grasp that there is nobody here behind this lectern trust me on this there is nobody here you are experiencing mass delusion when we come to it this phenomenon is known as the uncanny valley the second thing the second thing that victims or intimate partners of narcissists find difficult to accept that to the narcissists they are not special they are commodities as interchangeable as grains of rice the narcissist is with you married to you has children with you had had experiences with you told you that he loves you a million times how many times you made love he cried intimacy the minute you stop functioning he replaces you because you are a commodity the narcissist loves his wife and he also loves rice and very often he cannot tell the difference victims find it shattering because their individuality is challenged so this is the first thing ontological insecurity dissociation confabulation nobody home no one there sorry before i go to the second thing so stop communicating so hard you cannot negotiate with a non-entity your agreements mean nothing because no one signed them you are talking to him you are talking to yourself it's a ghost less than a ghost it's a it's a pretension it's a it's a piece of fiction the false self is a piece of fiction it's a bad movie it's a script why do i resemble a human being so well how do i give this how do i give this almost perfect rendition of a human being i observed many of you for a long time i have 190 iq i used it you are not complex you have very basic life forms you are easy to manipulate because you have three or four basic modes your user manual is pretty rudimentary so you know it's not too difficult to deceive you into believing that i'm human it helps that i'm made of carbon like the next generation of artificial intelligence when the final androids hit the earth they will be made of carbon they will have superior cognitive skills i'll i hope there they will be more handsome than me but they will be me i am it i am distinct i am in many respects your future i think this is the horror at the core of narcissism this is why narcissism had become a global phenomenon from nepal to australia and from egypt to to canada there is a universal resonance because i think you recognize that this life form narcissus probably is the future i didn't say that japanese roboticists said it in 1970 masahiro maui that when robots become indistinguishable from people people will become very frightened phobic and anxious and he called it uncanny valley everyone feels uncomfortable around the narcissist we have proved it in studies people don't know that they are with narcissists in the same room and they will react with extreme anxiety and discomfort why they feel that something is missing something is off-key something is imitated not real something is fake i'm telling you all these things for you to accept that it is not possible to have a meaningful emotional life with the narcissist and no amount of manipulation will change this the next thing you need to understand about the narcissist is that narcissists like other like people with other mental health problems they are capable capable of what we call paradoxical thinking um the first person to describe paradoxical thinking first psychologist was baitson he called it double bind and then ling ling lang was a famous link was a famous british psychotherapist audi ling and he called it the incomplete not paradoxical thinking is simply the ability to have at the same time contradictory thoughts and contradictory beliefs you can't do that you cannot think at the same time wow this guy is evil and this guy is wonderful you cannot think at the same time i believe the world is good and the world is horrible you cannot have conflicting cognitions and conflicting values and beliefs this creates in you something called dissonance and you solve the dissonance by getting rid of one of the horns one of the sides one of the thoughts not so the narcissist narcissists can at the same time at the same moment have conflicting thoughts contradictory thoughts contradictory emotions contradictory values and contradictory beliefs so who are you talking to when you communicate with the narcissist and when you manipulate the narcissist who are you manipulating he can say at three o'clock in the afternoon babala is wonderful and at 3 15 barbara sucks he changes his views his commitments his promises his contracts his everything changes constantly and dramatically because he has paradoxical thinking why does he have paradoxical thinking because he doesn't exist the essence of existence is the stability of cognitions values and so on and these these are known as shemas so everyone has shimmers amalgams collections collections of emotions cognitions beliefs values and they're stable and they're solid and the stress they can break down but still normally they're very stable it makes all of you more or less predictable reliable and of course it allows society to function narcissists and psychopaths by the way have not have none of this they go with the flow and they react to internal dynamics by changing themselves so completely that they are utterly new it is utterly disorienting it's like shape shifting you know in science fiction movies shape-shifting it's chemera miracle it's and it's very very disorienting and sometimes frightening and always infuriating intimate partners and victims of narcissists spend huge amounts of time trying to nail down the jelly but yesterday you said this but but you promised this but didn't we agree total waste of time the third thing you need to know about narcissists the narcissist starts as a reflection it's the only human being that starts its conscious existence is a reflection the narcissist constructs his sense of self the false self by reflecting himself from other people healthy people healthy people have a stable core they get input from other people and they reject most of it and they reject most of this input for good reason this stability of the core remains for life regulation of sense of self-worth regulation of moods regulation of emotions it all comes from inside if you find yourself on a lonely eye alone on an island nothing will happen to you as far as your sense of self even alone on an island you would still feel that you are you not so the narcissist the narcissist is the totality of the reflections of other people the narcissist mind is like a hive of bees your mind is like a surface uninterrupted surface everything fits in what doesn't fit in you discard after 20 years 30 years you are absolutely smooth and seamless the narcissist mind is like a hive of bees with hexagons millions of hexagons and to each hexagon the narcissist collects his reflection in her eyes in her eyes in his eyes in his eyes in her eyes collects collects millions of reflections and then processes these reflections puts them in the hexagons and what happens when there are no reflections narcissus feels when he is not surrounded by people who reflect him the narcissist feels that he does not exist you remember the technique of withholding this is connected to this if you withhold you don't reflect if you don't reflect you threaten the narcissistic very existence in the relationship with the narcissist you have 100 percent of the power the narcissist has zero the genius of the narcissist is to convince you that he has hundred percent of the power and you have zero the narcissist does have empathy it's called cold empathy old empathy is empathy but without emotions it's goal oriented so if i see someone crying i would recognize that she is sad i would recognize this she said so i do have empathy i have cognitive empathy but you will say wow she said i remember being said it's a bad feeling can i do something for her emotional resonance she said i remember being said it's a bad feeling i want to help the narcissist says or the psychopath she is sad i know what it means to be said not from personal experience but i know i read in books i observed i know what it means to be said cognitively now if i play my cards right probably at the end of the night i can have sex with her because she is broken she is vulnerable her defenses are down it's an opportunity cold empathy is empathy used to find your vulnerabilities and then use these vulnerabilities to obtain goals narcissistic supply sex money power contacts whatever so never ever show the narcissist any emotion starve starve the analysis called empathy of information do not provide information so the narcissist is called empathy you want to cry there's always the toilet you're happy keep it to yourself it's like the miranda warning any emotion you show can and will be used against you and this is called empathy similarly never ever offer the narcissist help or advice it's extremely difficult many of you love the narcissist it's a different lecture what's wrong with you but many of you do and when you love someone i heard you want you want to help you want to prevent bad happen things from happening to that person you want to guide the person in the right direction if you know the right direction or you just want to hold hold the person these are critical mistakes with the narcissist i repeat never ever offer help advice guidance or holding for two reasons one the narcissist will interpret your behavior as weakness as vulnerability something he can leverage something he can use to obtain goals in the future we begin to fake the need for help second thing if you offer the narcissist help and advice he will think that you are humiliating him it's narcissistic injury the narcissist doesn't need help from you narcissus doesn't need help from anyone he's above help he's omnipotent he's all-powerful nazis doesn't need advice from you he's omniscient he knows everything a narcissist will drive his car for six hours before his wife will ask someone for help because he cannot find the place if you're offering the narcissist advice or help you are telling you are saying to the narcissist you are in need of advice and help i have something you don't have for example i have information you don't have nazis will react very badly to this we'll never forgive you for offering help and advice you well know by now it's something that i described in in the mid 90s a cycle of idealization devaluation discard and replacement there is a technique there is a technique that makes use of this cycle the analysis first idealizes you then the narcissist devalues you then the narcissist discards you and then the narcissist replaces you with someone else to manipulate the narcissist you reverse the cycle reverse it remember idealize the value discard replace the technique is replace replace discard devalue idealize replace the narcissist with someone visibly triangulate then discard him not only triangulate with someone but also discard the narcissist as you discard him devalue him i don't know you're not a man example and finally idealize him that's it he's yours so it's reverse of the cycle what's simply reverse the cycle now many many women came to this behavior intuitively the maximum effect maximum impact if it is all done in one sitting in one situation happened to me recently the next thing you you should know about the so as you see i'm describing the world of the narcissist and from each aspect of the narcissist's personality i'm giving you some technique or some approach that might work the narcissist is a victim of abuse that's why he became a narcissist as a child the narcissist was terrified of pain of hurt of unpredictability sorry so he created the false self narcissists don't have relationships they have power plays it's all about power all of it is establishing a balance of terror a matrix of power the narcissist from the very beginning after the love bombing phase by the way the love bombing phase is not telling you it's not about telling you that the narcissist needs you or it's about telling you how unique you are the narcissist is trying in the love bombing phase to convert you into narcissism to taste how it feels to get narcissistic supply so the love bombing phase is simply to give you the taste of this drug so that you become junkies as well but the minute the narcissist acquires you the minute the narcissist hovers you the minute you belong to the narcissist in his mind the narcissist message to you is i don't need you there is nothing you have that i want or that i need or that i cannot get anywhere else don't think you have any power over me because you don't you do not have power over me and i can dump you tomorrow and find someone else in minutes this is precisely the essence of relationships with narcissists in the first phase the narcissist tells you how special you are in the second phase the narcissist tell you tells you how not special you are you're amazing you're unique you are the love of my life i never had this this experience with anyone i never felt so deeply you know what i never felt at all you are the first and only the things you do to me and this is the love bombing phase and makes you feel very very unique one in the world there's only one you you can offer nothing i need and what you offer i don't need if i'm a cerebral narcissist i'm above sex sex is for without if i'm any kind of narcissist i'm above emotions love is for stupid people weak people and if it's not you then someone else you should be honored and grateful that i've introduced you into my exciting adventurous life it is this pendulum of conflicting messages that totally unsettles and destabilize the victim the narcissist fully expects to lose you he already behaves as though he had lost you you're always temporary even if you're 30 years together you're still temporary narcissists have something called anticipatory loss anxiety from very early age narcissists have something called object inconstancy or object impermanence again for those of you who are in psychology objects in object impermanence is a term coined by jean piaget child psychologist in the late 60s an object in constancy is a term coined by margaret marlowe another child another if she was not psychologists actually she was a doctor but expert on child psychology you know when the baby at a very early age before the first year of life between five months and one year when mother leaves the room the baby starts to cry because out of sight out of existence if the baby doesn't see mother mother stops to exist gradually the child's creates a representation of mother inside his mind when mother is in the room the child interacts with mother when mother is outside the room the child's in the child interacts with the representation of mother this representation is known as imago so with a narcissist there there is a problem at this phase and what happens is the narcissist interacts only with the representation can you think why why would the narcissist prefer to interact with a representation or not with you i gave you the clue i gave you the answer actually if i am afraid to lose you i would prefer to interact not with you but with your representation you can always walk away out of my life i don't control what you do and what you may do but i have full control over the representation inside my mind so the minute the narcissist sees you and decides that you are potentially a good source of supply a shocking process takes place and you're not even aware of it the narcissist snapshots you takes a snapshot with his mental camera he meets someone he thinks she can supply provide supply at that second he takes a snapshot from that second i want you to understand this it's extremely difficult to believe i know from that second all the time the narcissist interacts never ever with you always with a snapshot in a minute you will understand why the narcissist has has at some point to devalue you although in many cases the cycle repeats itself many times but as such a cycle must exist the narcissist has you and a snapshot but you are not the snapshot you have your own life you develop you study you travel you have lovers maybe don't tell anyone i mean things happen to you you initiate things you are in other words dynamic the snapshot is static you start you start from the same position overlapping and then what happens you move away snapshot is here and you're here but the narcissist is emotionally invested in the snapshot controls the snapshot talks to the snapshot so you gradually become less and less relevant as you diverge from the snapshot at some point you become a threat the differences between you and the snapshot are so enormous that even the narcissist cannot deceive himself that the snapshot is accurate at some point you challenge the snapshot you all know that point you've all gone through it because the narcissist starts saying things like you have changed a lot you're not the same woman i fell in love with what's happening to you you need help you're going through a crisis he is describing the gut the gap the abyss that is opening between you and the snapshot at that point he must get rid of you must get rid of you because the snapshot matters to him much more than you he's protecting the snapshot he has zero tolerance for abandonment zero tolerance for loss because he is a baby it's a baby baby with no object constancy so he gets rid of you how to get rid of you by devaluing you how how to justify to himself that he idealized you yesterday and is devaluing you today what he made a mistake when he idealized you was he mistaken no way narcissist is never mistaken you changed you are not the same person the person he's devaluing is not the person that he idealized so this mechanism which is technically known as introjection this mechanism explains the the cycles what is the technique so everything i'm telling you there is a technique the technique is to animate the snapshot remember the narcissist has in his mind a representation of you as you used to be let's say when you met so you have two options to go back to that time and become who you used to be to give up on your personal progress and development you will be shocked how many partners do exactly this they started to study in the university they stop they are successful in business they close the business etc they unwind the changes that's one technique the second technique is what we call brinkmanship it's it's to animate the snapshot to extreme that means to challenge the snapshot to provide the narcissist with a new snapshot but how can you do that he already has a snapshot of you by not being you you must change so radically and dramatically that the narcissist will have the feeling that he had just met a new partner change everything from her style to clothing to lovers to i mean behave totally differently different priorities different everything and the narcissist will say wow i'm falling in love with you again you're so different i've had couples restart sex after 15 years i've i've had divorced couples who went back to living together with this technique next thing you should know narcissism narcissism feels to the narcissist like religion feels to an extreme american fundamentalist or a member of isis narcissists are religious fanatics they are members of a very special religion this religion has one god and one worshiper and it's the only religion in the world where the god is the worshipper but the inner experience the emotional correlate the cognitive aspects are utterly identical to a religious experience let us try to understand why it's my favorite topic so i don't care if you are not interested to live with a narcissist to be with a narcissist is to be member of a cult the narcissist is the leader of the cult and you are the member the narcissism religion is missionary christianity sent missionaries in the 19th century to africa to convert the natives the natives were happy some of the missionaries were tasty but exactly like christianity sent missionaries to africa to convert the natives exactly in the same way the narcissist is trying to convert you to his religion what is narcissistic supply it's to worship the nazis when the narcissist is asking you to give him supply he is asking you to worship his god him so there is a very interesting branch new branch of teaching the victims to cope with narcissists the same way we cope with religious fundamentalists i'm kidding you know when you meet a fanatic muslim or a fanatic jew or a fanatic christian instinctively you know what not to say yes you will not mock muhammad unless you are danish you will not you will not attack god in the presence of a fundamentalist christian jesus you are not attacked jesus in the presence of fundamentalist christianity so you know intuitively instinctively no one taught you no one told you but you know what not to do you know what not to say and if you are inside the church or inside the mosque or inside the synagogue you definitely know that some things are never done some things are never said well when you live with a narcissist you're living with a religious fundamentalist some things you never do and some things you never say you never challenge the god of the narcissist which happens to be the narcissist you never challenge the attributes of that god god is all-knowing god is all-powerful god is god is perfect god is brilliant you don't challenge this is that it's bad taste it's impolite to tell me that i'm not god it also means you're delusional i am god but still it's a church so seriously if you begin to look at narcissism as a religion and understand that you are living with that religion's extreme fundamentalist you will automatically instinctively intuitively know what to do and how to behave how does narcissism become a religion why does it have religious aspects very briefly the child is abused by his parents mostly his mother but not only by his parents now this abuses many forms it can be classic sexual abuse sex physical abuse psychological abuse but abuse is any situation where the child is not allowed to separate from the parent and become an individual when the parent does not allow the child to develop his his or her own boundaries a healthy child with a healthy parent the child stops here the parent starts here there's a boundary between them in the case of a narcissistic parent usually the child is not allowed to build donald trump's border wall the child is not allowed to make a distinction between herself or himself and the parent so you know the mother who always wanted to be an actress and she failed and she forces her daughter to become an actress that's abuse you know the mother who spoils the child and tells him that he can never do anything wrong it's abuse it's abused because it doesn't allow the child to conflict with the environment thereby creating a boundary so there are many many forms of abuse so how does a child react to this he creates an imaginary friend a piece of fiction the false self the false self is everything that the child is not the child is small false self is infinite the child cannot guess what the parent will do next the parent is unpredictable the false self knows everything is omniscient the child is helpless the false self is all-powerful the child is receiving conditional love if you do this and this i will love you so they are the child knows that if he fails he is a bad object he will not be loved he is unworthy the false self is perfect the fourth self is everything the child is not but look at the list look at the list of the phone self perfect knows everything um all powerful brilliant there are only two entities in the world which have this description one is donald trump and one is god and donald trump has orange air so seriously the child's a child actually invents god and creates the child creates a private religion this god the false self protects him from the parent absorbs the pain and the hurt isolates the child like a firewall the false self is the child's god but you know it's a very primitive god it's the god of the old testament and like the god of the old testament who asked abraham to sacrifice isaac the false self asks the child to sacrifice something the full self is a god and wants human sacrifice but what human sacrifice what can the child sacrifice who can the child sacrifice himself only himself that's precisely what the child does he sacrifices himself to this new god the false self he sacrifices his true self i think the false self he worships he worships the false self but the false self is a very greedy and hungry god and like the moloch one human sacrifice is not enough this god demands additional human sacrifices and this is where i'm happy to say you come in you are these additional human sacrifices the narcissist has to sacrifice you to the false self and this is precisely why in 1995 i coined the phrase narcissistic abuse why did i need to say narcissistic abuse why not abuse because narcissistic abuse is total the narcissist's only way to sacrifice you to the false self is to eliminate your separate existence you must the narcissist must annihilate you the narcissist abuse is not functional or instrumental it's existential you must die so that the false self is gratified and satisfied because if the false self is not satisfied and not gratified the narcissist will not exist so ladies and ladies when you team up with a narcissist it's either him or you it's a war to death one of your one of you must die at least psychologically indeed victims and intimate partners of narcissists describe a feeling of inner death it's very interesting because there was a scholar by the name of otto kurnberg in 1975 kernberg invented the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder when we observe victims of narcissists from the outside we cannot tell if they are victims of narcissist or if they are patients with borderline personality disorder this void this inner inner death is common to victims of complex ptsd and to patients with borderline personality disorder and it leads to mobility ups and downs and to emotional dysregulation which is subject for another lecture four brief points and then i will open the flow to two questions point number one the issue the narcissist has an external locus of control in other words the narcissist ironically believes that his life is determined from the outside consequently the narcissist blames everything on the outside and this is known as alloplastic defense so this is the sequence my life is determined from outside so i'm not responsible so by fault not guilty they did it he did it she did it not me so locus of control is external defense is alloplastic this is very interesting for you because if you are willing to play a kind of dangerous game you can become the narcissist's locus of control but you have to be very sharp astute and know what you're doing first of all you must allow the narcissist to blame you for everything allow encourage it to blame you for everything so you come to us it's my fault i made a mistake it was wrong i shouldn't have done it oh poor you you're suffering because of me etc etc etc etc this is two beneficial effects if you say it the narcissist doesn't have to say it it reduces the abuse but much more importantly gradually the narcissist out of convenience will begin to regard you as the locus of control it's the external locus of control and he will become extremely co-dependent on you it's totally counter-intuitive technique but it works narcissist will say to himself everything that's bad is her fault probably everything that's good is her fault probably everything is her fault probably she controls everything it's a kind of a conspiracy theory he will develop a kind of conspiracy theory don't forget the narciss narcissism is a religion and you can apply for the job of god all you need is a long white beard okay next point magical thinking one of the reasons no therapy works with narcissists all therapies fail with narcissists possibly the reason the major reason is the therapist insists to treat narcissists as adults they strike an alliance with the narcissist they negotiate with the narcissist they argue with analysis they reason with the nazis they ask the narcissists to promise things the narcissist is not an adult there is no narcissist alive whose mental age well alive dead ones maybe but narcissist there's no masses alive whose mental age is higher than let's say 11. so it's a mistake to treat narcissists as adults my new therapy cold therapy is built on this insight and it all the techniques in cold therapy are based on child psychology but one of the things that children have is called magical thinking because children have magical thinking the narcissist has magical thinking magical thinking is the belief that internal processes affect reality so you know the famous phenomenon that children blame themselves for bad things that are happening to the parents that's magical thing or children expect miracles or believe in fairy tales like or have imaginary friends these are all forms of magical thinking and of course false self is a major feat of magical thinking but if you take magical thinking and add to it grandiosity god like i'm godlike and add to it immunity because i'm good no one can touch me if you mix this you get a very explosive mixture because of this mixture the narcissist for example is reckless is takes risks crazy risks because he believes in magic he's immune no no one and nothing can touch him there are no consequences to his actions he's god god can do anything no so he's reckless risk and he is gullible stupid believes everyone and everything it's easy to deceive to cheat and to call no there is no one more stupid than the person who thinks he is not that's another jew by the name of sokratis so the narcissist believes that he knows everything cannot learn anything and no one can be more clever than him and this is the dream dream client of a con artist you can make use of this you can make use of this if you want the narcissist to do something you convince him that it was his idea everything comes from him you you want to put an idea in his head you ask for his advice even if he's totally unqualified you you push him to perform miracles you say that you expect him to to do this because he can do anything it's very easy to manipulate the narcissist using his grandiosity magical thinking and belief that he is immune to the consequences of his actions and you use the narcissist entitlement you tell the narcissist you deserve this you want him to take risks you want him to leave you alone all you have to say for example you deserve someone much better than me true the narcissist will say i really do or you deserve the easy life you shouldn't work so hard or your luck will you're very lucky your luck will carry you through i mean it's extremely easy just be creative the reason i'm giving you a two two and something hour lecture is because barbara paid me a lot of money but if barbara hadn't paid me a lot of money the lecture would have been extremely short it would have contained a single sentence your narcissist as you manage your four-year-old end of story you saw how much money you could have saved that's analysis for you you can never trust last point and we last point and i i will open to i will open two questions one thing people including by the way the vast majority of professionals including the leading experts on paranoia what they don't appreciate is that paranoia is a form of narcissism there are two critical elements in paranoia without which you cannot be paranoid point number one i am the center of attention someone is paying me attention and i am sufficiently important for someone to heart to want to harm me take away these two elements and there's no paragon but what is this what is i'm the center of attention grandiosity it's a form of narcissistic supply and what is and what is he wants to harm me the cia is after me what is this it means i'm very important i can be important to the cia if i'm a not case or i can be important to my neighbor but it doesn't matter i am important my neighbor is sitting at night obsessed thinking how to kill my dog you know i'm the center of my neighbor's universe the focus of his thoughts this is classic grandiose gnosticism absolutely no wonder most narcissists are paranoid it's just the other way that's not been recognized that most paranoids are actually narcissists now the secondary delusions this paranoia technically is called prosecutory delusion because it's a delusion of persecution the secondary delusion lead to a behavior called hyper vigilance hyper vigilance is when i scan the room and i say i'm giving the most important lecture of this new century and this guy is blowing his nose that's an insult he's humiliating me should he barely go i'm just giving this as an example so a classic narcissist might think like this he's scanning scanning for disrespect insults attacks you know so for example you tell me good morning good morning very good evening no tell me good evening let's be realistic again good evening good evening what do you think i don't know it's evening you think i'm stupid this is a hyper vigilant reaction and it's very often utterly ridiculous as in this example good evening this guy thinks i'm i'm too stupid to notice this evening can't believe some people i mean horrible so this is paranoia for secretary delusions and hyper vigilance you can make use of it you can make use of it by enhancing and not not ameliorating not reducing but enhancing the narcissist per secondary delusions and hyper vigilance in various ways so for example you remember the technique of deflection decoy where both of you hate the mother-in-law so you can use this common enemy to enhance the paranoia and to enhance the hyper vigilance what for the higher the paranoia the more the hyper vigilance the more the narcissists will need you as an ally it will create what we call in french for leader so both of you will be in this paranoid per secondary delusion and you will feed it and he will get the nurses will get closer and closer to you this is very common in communities for example like the militias the militias in paramilitary militias in the united states in the appalachian mountains and so on it's common in some terrorist organizations for example we have psychological studies of the carlos terrorist organization in the 70s and bader meinhof and the red guards in in italy and in all these there were women and men in cells and they had this dynamic going so there is there are studies in germany about the meinhof some of the leaders were women and uh use these techniques exactly to control highly narcissistic men same same in the manson family so this is the technique i recommend if your narcissist is a serial killer or terrorist and if not and use this technique he will end up as one okay guys what's left of you i'm open to questions you

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 781,745

Keywords: no contact, grey rock, mirroring, background noise, withholding, narcissistic supply, coping, survival, strategies, techniques, abuse, antisocial, battering, divorce, domestic violence, dsm-iv, ego, harassment, narcissism, narcissistic, narcissistic personality disorder, npd, object relations, personality, personality disorders, psychodynamics, psychopaths, psychotherapy, relationships, self, spousal abuse, stalking, psychopathology, therapy

Id: euGhNMifaw8

Length: 58min 10sec (3490 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 18 2020