10 ways to become resistant to narcissists

hi everyone it's dr romney and welcome back to this youtube channel on all things narcissism it is my hope to sort of light you a path forward to get you out of the thickets of these difficult relationships with narcissists today i'm going to be offering you some tips 10 ways actually 10 ways to become more resistant to narcissists my goal in doing this work obviously is to help people recover but a bigger goal would be to help whenever possible keep people from getting these into these relationships in the first place and if they're in them at least help them from getting sucked in too much deeper now i'm offering 10 ways as you listen to this video if there are tips you have for becoming more resistant to narcissists that work for you could you because again please subscribe to this channel because it is honestly this community often gives a tremendous amount of useful feedback in the comments becomes its own sort of piece of guidance on these videos but let's take this on ten what are ten ways that you can become more resistant to narcissists in all areas of your life for me working with people all these years on managing the narcissists in their lives one thing i've learned is one simple truth in an ideal world you don't let them in in the first place but i know that guidance is a day late in a dollar short for lots of you who are already deeply in these messes and this that guidance is useless if this is a narcissistic parent or sibling in which you had no choice in the situation however if you could learn some of these strategies for how to become more resistant you may be able to shut the gate on future narcissists and perhaps also learn to keep yourself a little bit more sane with the ones who are already in your life number one please learn to own your truth and own your reality if you can do this then you simply put have guest light repellent the reason gaslighting works is because we give the other person too much credit and we don't give ourselves enough this may happen because we perceive the other person to be smart or for some reason you believe they're credible and because you don't value your own opinion enough the first time the first time your reality is questioned by someone step back pay attention and seriously considering consider cutting bait number two stop falling for charisma and charm somewhere along the line we were told that charismatic and charming people are somehow valuable or interesting and maybe that's because the charismatic and charming people get to make the rules as far as i'm concerned charisma is like heavy perfume or cologne that someone wears when they don't take a shower it's probably covering something else tread very carefully when someone is larger than life or intoxicating or seductive or oh so silver tongued i know this is the opposite of everything you have ever been taught but and most people tell me though sadly they fell for the charm and the charisma we've been programmed to do this but don't fall for it if you encounter a charming and charismatic person you really need to make an effort to pay attention to what they are saying remember number three remember that just being smart or educated is not a virtue listen i am educated i worked hard for it i also think i'm a nice person but my education is not what made me a nice person i know plenty of really educated and really smart people out there who are very toxic and cruel and unkind do not fall into the trap of thinking that someone who is smart or intellectually gifted or educated that somehow those things are virtues being smart is just a trick it means you know stuff if you're smart think good for you but all of us need to remember that far more important is kindness and compassion that those are virtues being smart is not a virtue keep that straight so you keep your guard up and get to know someone before giving them the benefit of the doubt just because they're smart many of us don't always feel comfortable with our intellects so it's very easy to get snowed by a smart person number four speaking of that don't get snowed by rich and successful people now this is a riff on that smart one there is a belief that people who are rich and who are successful are somehow doing something right and maybe they are or maybe they're just lucky or maybe they inherited it or maybe they did something shady to get it the risk becomes that the assumption is that they are somehow better better than you better than me which can set up a power imbalance into which it is easier for them to gaslight you the same mistake can be made around fame or celebrity halos can be drawn around people who are toxic just because they are famous or fancy don't fall for it whether a person is a prince or a pauper pay attention to their words and their actions and don't imbue them with virtue just because they're successful number five watch how they treat other people this can be tricky because narcissists are so two-faced they are masterful at putting on a great public face and treating those close to them very badly behind closed doors but if you pay attention to how they treat who they would consider to be i don't know lower status people or people who make mistakes where they're concerned for example the unfortunate server who may make an error in their order or somebody who calls them out watch how they treat those people and watch how they talk about other people odds are that before too long they're going to be talking about you in the same way number six learn the narcissists tells if you're a poker player you know big way you win other than getting good cards is learning the other players tells tells are their little twitches non-verbal movements the way they react to their cards can give you a lot of information narcissists are no different their ultimate tell is to watch how they behave under conditions of frustration or disappointment that's where you usually see it the usually charming facade will fade to anger rage and contempt when things don't go their way don't write excuses for them number seven become okay with setting boundaries no is a complete sentence it's okay to say no to not succumb to what feels like intrusive behavior just because someone wants what they want entitled people are more than willing to take their half out of the middle boundaries are your way of saying no too many people who are vulnerable to narcissists are generally people pleasers and one thing that people pleasers are not good at is that setting boundaries set those boundaries hold those boundaries is the narcissist going to get mad you better believe it learn to tolerate their discomfort instead of succumbing by constantly being the one who compromises for them number eight dump the enablers the narcissists are only part of your problem the enablers are the rest of the issue you may be able to start nudging the narcissist out but the enablers are yet another vector of toxicity they the i'm sorry the enablers are often the ones who continue to gaslight you and second guess you if you are distancing and disengaging from the narcissist you need to do the same thing with the enablers and this isn't easy because the enablers are quite often they're actually not toxic themselves but they live in a big cloud a cloud of denial and not wanting to face down the toxic truth and sadly it's in this way that intergenerational patterns get passed down and persist number nine stop giving second chances second chances are what give narcissists their power in essence it is you signing off on their behavior and the orchestra of voices that's around you that want you to give them second chances include their enablers now yes i know it can seem abrupt to cut a person off after just one mistake but after they make one mistake just at least be on watch after someone gaslights you once be on watch after someone is contemptuous and dismissive dismissive of you be on watch after a person is rageful and then tries to excuse it on the basis of a bad day be on watch being on watch means that you pay attention to determine if this is a pattern rather than just excusing and erasing it second chances turn into 10 000 chances and a lifetime lost to the psychological abuse seen in narcissistic relationships number 10 surround yourself with good people i mean it seems like such basic guidance right but once narcissists start getting into your life they are like invasive weeds that choke out the good stuff in your garden narcissists as a rule demand all of your time and they get jealous when you give it to others they often prefer to isolate and control people so they can get steady supply and as a result you might find yourself giving ninety percent of yourself to the toxic person or people in your life giving you no bandwidth or time for the healthy people and that's not going to be good for you the healthy people are the ones who validate you who are sounding boards who do not gaslight you who have your back who encourage you to pursue your dreams who have empathy compassion and kindness and listen to you and you do the same for them if you have just some of these good people in your life then you have one of the ultimate narcissist antidotes and often a way that now you have a way to find the strength to set the boundaries and cut off from the toxic people in your life if your garden is choked with narcissists and enablers we'd whack that out of there and start planting the healthy good people who have your back just as you have theirs and here's a bonus number 11 start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path it can be very lonely to be the one who sees the narcissist for who they are you may get called out for being judgmental or demanding or even difficult it may sometimes mean that you forego going to events or get-togethers so you do not need to over-engage with the narcissist this is ultimately good for you even if you master the fine art of narcissistic repellence not engaging setting boundaries i got to tell you just being with them it's not good for you now learning how to gray rock is an important part of this and gray rocking with new narcissists that you meet works like a charm because they will become disinterested in you pretty quickly if you aren't providing them with validation the first time you meet them and i'm going to tell you it stinks it doesn't feel good to feel like you need to miss out from the dinner party because you because the narcissist is there but this all goes back to cultivating those healthier spaces those people out there who are calling you judgmental for not just going with the narcissistic flow they may very well be enablers sometimes you may you may need to go along and be with the toxic person it may be a dear friend's wedding or a close friend or family's birthday party or work event that you cannot skip out of but then you can do the usual work of boundaries however in general trust your gut going with the flow is how many people have lost lifetimes in these relationships i'm convinced that if you could even follow some of the things on this list you not only can become more resistant to the narcissist in your life you may actually be able to close or at least tighten the gate against new toxic or difficult or narcissistic people getting in this is no joke these patterns appear to be on the rise out there and you need strong walls to protect yourself and to give yourself the time and space back that you need to invite healthy people and healthy experiences into your life you deserve that now listen i'm going i'm going to keep going with this here's a number 12 okay and here's number 12. one of the ultimate narcissist repellents is to have meaning and purpose in your life because even in the midst of the most dire awful narcissistic relationship if you have something that's meaningful and purposeful whatever it is and please promise me you will not share that with the narcissist because they will dismantle it and mock it and make fun of it and minimize it but whatever that meaning and purpose it is it might be through your work it might be through your children it could be volunteering it could be your spiritual life it could be a garden you plant it could be animals you rescue i don't know what gives you meaning and purpose but you better find it because i have to say when you have that even when you're stuck in something like this because some people can't get out of their narcissistic relationships somehow that gives more texture to your life that you can actually find a little bit of meaning not only in your life but even perhaps in the suffering that might be one of the the higher order things that you can achieve and a lot of people say i don't know how to find my meaning and purpose trust the process give yourself time and space to figure that out and as i bring this to a close listen i hit well i said i was going to hit 10 but i hit 12. i would love to hear from any of you what you think would be on top of this list things that could really be sort of narcissist repellent ways to protect yourself against narcissists getting in and to give you more strength and how to bear up against the narcissist in your life let us share that let's turn this list of 12 into 20 or 50 or 100 because the more of these things we know the more we can fortify ourselves against the narcissist already in our lives and attempt to prevent even more from getting into our lives so thanks again for tuning in please welcome to this channel subscribe hit that bell get notified every time we put out new content which is very regularly and if you like this give us that thumbs up even i need a little validation from time to time thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 958,181

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: 8EqSlSPHjR0

Length: 17min 25sec (1045 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 23 2020