We're on a Budget

well thank you very much mr. mrs. worldly for her coming here fine you can just call me Dwayne and this is Talent you know I made a mock-up here for you guys and really I just want you to think of today as an investment I'm here to help you so tell me he said he wants us to think of it as an investment yes I heard that Alan that you're the one that's hard of hearing you're going again stick to the dang forsaken pocket okay well let's talk about Tom how well prepared you are for retirement retirement asking you what is retirement okay great well it's I wouldn't believe her stop it Artie Krang okay so so how about this let's talk about where do you see yourself in I don't know 20 years okay I'm picturing like a Valentine's poem a Kia Sorento occasional travel definitely like a middle-class lifestyle where Dwayne isn't ruining both our lives [Music] and telling you for that the bow we also have a bulb both I can help you with the boat we need to see a counselor and I said no Allen we're on a budget that's the point you Nimbus what we need to see a conscience no Helen were on a budget [Music] [Applause] [Music] well well to be able to have a boat you know you need to know you make it down pay me and you do it best so let's talk about your liquid assets you know cash stocks bonds cash anything anything we invested in Bitcoin a couple years ago we have a check by Monsanto it's Monsanto doing well and then we used to have a really nice car and tell my wife here recklessly destroyed it it was not reckless it was safe it was legal intentional never drive over ten No so then we were driving and I said get a move on Helen you inch I want to get to 7-eleven before I die that may be a rather upset and so I drove our pristine Kia Sorento into a telephone call 50 times it was only 40 times she likes to exactly fine probably she's just showing off he let's compute on him and I said no Helen we're on a budget [Music] get a move on Helen you wench I want to see 7-eleven before I die [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] no Helen we're on a budget [Music] I just I'm just a little dumbfounded by her she says that because she's attracted to you crack when you want you know I like she calls me down when she's attracted to me too [Music] that's about usually how I respond okay well how about this if you want this boat that's where we are you you do you have enough money to do to allocate a lot of your funds for that you're not oh we are in debt we are in that we owe $600,000 to our next-door neighbors $600,000 because Wayne is a hedonistic menace I don't want to know but it's like you're gonna tell me anyway she always seems to that word hedonistic and I always ask her what it means but she never tells me prize-winning Honey Crisp apples and they raise apples would even they raise out they raise apple trees I mean they grow apple trees they raise rental trees Frank Collins do you make an apple Susan Jones was a very attractive woman very attractive if you saw it Craig you'd probably take off your glass your what Thanks probably just to see her a little more clearly Craig says no no I'm sorry outside personal test something that's a really bright my dears that's an expression of phrase finally that's there's no cures and fathers you can see the manners do have a lot of gears yeah on the other side they have a whole mechanic shop and anyway damn they're really loud and they grind that's why she says grind my gears so there are actually gears he just said there weren't well not bad neighbors the other neighbors father neighbors how am I supposed in there I am looking out the window of the orchard and I say wow those are some really nice branches Sam Jones sure is a one lucky man to have such a beautiful orchard I took my chainsaw and I cut all of the prize-winning honey first apple trees down $600,000 worth of prize-winning apple trees that's where the $600,000 comes from Susan however did escape thank goodness the world deserves to keep that beautiful of a woman you know if they're smelling your neighbors you deserve to have a good view when you look out the window and then I yelled out the window no palette [Applause] yeah you know I said and then the audience could tell us you don't know what I said crack I said no Helen [Applause] [Applause] so there's some nice branches Saotome sir is a lucky man beautiful orchard [Music] [Applause] [Music] like that no Callie [Music] we're on a budget yeah just like that listen financial counseling is $300 an hour there wasn't it freaking out a little okay listen listen I don't can't I can't fix your broken marriage or your creepy voices or your stupid car or anything you guys are freaks get out just get out of my office our car's not stupid it's a pristine kia sorento recklessly to three hundred dollars an hour it's actually not bad that's pretty good [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Divine Comedy

Views: 8,059

Rating: 4.9295774 out of 5

Keywords: divine comedy, sketch comedy, comedy, budgets, finances

Id: DZygGJH3G-8

Length: 10min 34sec (634 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 05 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/DaffynitionMaker]

Aaron left Studio C for other work recently. This sketch was recorded before he came to the cast in Season 9. I find it to be one of the most hilarious sketches ever written (probably because so much of it was made up on the spot!).