(sad organ music begins) (Ian claps) (female faintly giggles) (sad organ music continues) - Whoa! (faint giggles) It's crazy. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Courtney's funeral. I have with me today Courtney's will. While Courtney was well-loved
by everyone at the office, they were even more loved
by the freaks on Reddit. (people laugh) Courtney was a real go-getter. They always had one eye on the prize and one eye with a weird pupil. (people laugh) Courtney took on a lot this year. They directed, they gave notes on videos, and of course, they did
what the cast does best: absolutely (bleep) nothing. (people laugh) This goes without saying, Courtney will be missed more
than Smosh misses the mark. Onto the will. (people laugh) Kimmy will receive a final
paycheck from Courtney as she will no longer be
Courtney's understudy. - The hell. (people react and laugh) - Thank you, thank you. - Kimmy will also receive a fridge since Smosh always gives
her Courtney's leftovers. - Thank you. (people react and laugh) It's very kind, thank you. Thank you. - Amanda. - Yes. - Is given the duty of
filling in for Courtney at Miller family gatherings. It should be easy to blend
in since there's 600 of them. (people laugh) - Selina will receive Courtney's clothes. Selina, I hope you like the
aesthetic bondage librarian. (people laugh) To Jackie, Courtney requests you throw
her a parade of female cows and waste management
vehicles so even in death she can show off her mommy
milkers and huge dumper. (people laugh) - I got her. - That was a journey, huh? (people laugh) Courtney leaves Ian her 2005 Toyota Camry. They thought Ian would
really vibe with the car since it also hasn't
really worked since 2019. (people react and laugh) Courtney gives Tommy all
of their costumes and wigs. They hope, with them, Tommy will create even
more funny characters that the writers will ignore. (people react and laugh) Courtney leaves nothing to
Shayne but this message: They were elated that
Shayne had come back to life and they hope he can do the same for the Smosh main channel. (people react and laugh) Courtney's final wish. To all of her fans out there that want to be like
Courtney when they grow up, to quote, "Stay in their (bleep) lane." (people laugh) We actually have here with us
someone who couldn't make it, but they're calling in via video. Take it away. - Hey, Courtney. So I couldn't make it to your funeral. There was a sale at Marshall's. (people laugh) You know, I can't pass up a good deal. But while I'm on the line, I'll say a few words. I've only been to funerals
for people over eighties, so it's really refreshing when a young person tragically passes, especially a friend.
(people laugh) I'm not gonna lie, this was super hard. I tried to find some ugly
photos of you on Instagram, but I only found a couple
pictures of Shayne. (people laugh) And since Smosh lost
one of its token gays, I figured I'd submit my resume. Ian, if you'll see the email titled "I will do anything for money...
(bleep) Courtney Miller", that's me. - Okay, okay, okay.
(people laugh) - I see the family went
with an open casket which means you probably
weren't kicked by a horse. So I'm going to edit that out
of my Facebook post about you. (people laugh) Thanks a lot, by the way. Now the joke about being Smoshed by Clydesdale doesn't work. (people laugh) It really is sad to watch a young- or see a young person go but you join the likes of other people who died when they were 26. You know, like Mac Miller, Sharon Tate, if we're lucky, me. (people laugh)
But I think I... I gotta go. Love you, text me when you're free or this is all over. We'll grab coffee or something. All right, bye. (people laugh and clap) (sad organ music begins) - My bitch. Not my bitch. (people giggle weakly) Oh my God. Wow. I'm gonna miss Courtney so, so much. We have so many memories together. God, I remember when we
first became friends. Courtney and I met in high school back at Rydal High in 1952. And she was the leader of our
friend group, the pink ladies. (Kimmy giggles) At the time, she felt
like she had outgrown her relationship with her
ex-boyfriend, Johnny Nogerelli, that arrogant, chauvinistic,
and rather immature new leader of the motorcycle
riding teeny birds. And which led into her
singing "Cool Rider". (people weakly laugh) It's great. It was beautiful. The next evening, we enjoyed a romantic
Twilight motorcycle ride which included a kiss. Cut to the talent show, (people laugh) Courtney and the cool rider again clearly Michael in disguise. But Courtney, Sharon,
Paulette, and Rhonda. Oh, and also me, Kimmy. I was there following in a car. It may have been cut out but I was there. God, I miss those girls. Seal the deadly drop. Ooh! Ooh! Deadly dro- Ooh! - [People] Ooh! - Then we all thought cool
rider, AKA Michael, had dive. Ooh! - [All] Ooh! - The school year ended with a luau where the cool rider reappeared. He revealed himself to
be Michael! (shrieks) (people laugh) The credits start
rolling in yearbook style just like in Grease one, and Courtney and I have
been besties ever since. (people clap) (sad organ music plays) (Shayne laughs) (people laugh) - I've been searching for you. Can't believe I didn't catch you in time. (people laugh) (bleep) I hope that you are rotting in hell. (people react and laugh) Cause I've been through
hell trying to find you. (Tommy laughs) Can I smoke in here? - No.
- No. - Sure.
(Courtney laughs) - [Male] No. - Yes or no? - No. - My job as a detective is
to hunt down serial killers and dangerous criminals. You were my hardest case because this one got personal. You ripped an explosive burp in my face at a Dutch Bros in Sacramento in 2008. (people laugh) And you walked away like it was nothing. (male laughs) Like I was nothing. I refused to believe that
an internet micro celebrity, (people react and laugh and clap) Courtney Miller, was so callously
burping somebody's face. I haven't slept in 13
years because of you. I lost my gun and badge because of you. This is extra. (people laugh) I was doing my job. I was doing my job. (people laugh) I saw you walk into a
Sephora to buy makeup to put on the corner of your
little eyes that you do. So I followed you in to
Sephora without a warrant. The owner came back and
shot at me and my partner. (people laugh) My partner, Rodrigo, is dead. (people laugh) Yeah, that's pretty funny. Isn't it Hilarious! (people laugh) You know what's crazy that I found out? You didn't even buy anything. You just used the free
makeup and you left. (people laugh) His blood is on your hands. I'm also super divorced because of you. My husband said, "She's so beautiful. Leave that poor girl alone." And I said, "Eat my ass for once. For once." You don't know what it's
like to not be touched. (people laugh) And I said, "Yeah, she might
be beautiful on the outside." Sure, look at this nice (bleep) picture. But on the inside, she's rotten and nasty. Especially around that burpy
burp mouth that you got where you burp a lot at strangers. (people laugh) My husband's now one of
your reply guys on Twitter. Too bad for him you
won't be replying back. (people laugh) So I had to go rogue. I lived outta my SUV for weeks just playing Brianna Boho
videos over and over. I hit rock bottom. I really wish I could smoke in here. Can I? - No. - I have been searching for you. So, I'm gonna do exactly
what you did to me. I'm gonna burp in your face. (people laugh) (Amanda gags) (people laugh) (Amanda gags again) (Courtney laughs) (Amanda gags again) (people laugh) Do it. Just do it. (Amanda gags) (people laugh) (Amanda gags again) (people laugh) I can't do it because I'm not a monster. I'm out of here. And I'm gonna smoke this outside. (people laugh) (sad organ music plays) - My condolences. (people laugh) Hi, I'm Selina. I'm the office manager here at Smosh. I actually didn't know Courtney very well. I mostly just had to
tell her to stop parking at the handicap spot. (people laugh) But I know she was
beloved by her loyal fans so I put together some
things people have said about her online and I'll read them now. "Too hot to be so goofy." @comill, "Stop hiding your feet. We will find them eventually." (people laugh) "Courtney Miller probably
stank but in a hot way." (people laugh) "I'm jealous of girls like Courtney who are confident even
when they look, sound, or act gross and dumb." (people laugh) "Courtney Miller is just not funny. It really sucks." Wait. I thought there was more to that. (people laugh) Okay, this one's my favorite. This one is in all caps
so I'm gonna scream it. "Courtney Miller, I am
begging to smosh me. You please, I am free Thursday." (people laugh) "And Courtney Miller, please retire. Your (bleep) is played out and it's honestly just sad at this point. Take a (bleep) comedy class and grow up." - [All] Oh! - That one's actually from Shayne. (people laugh) Thank you so much for having me. This meant a lot and I really feel like I'm
finally part of the Smosh family. Bye. (people clapping) (sad organ music plays) - Yes! (bleep) yes! (people laugh) It finally (bleep) happened. God, yes. (people faintly laugh) You're finally (bleep) dead. I've waited for this for so long. I finally killed Courtney Miller. And by doing so, I have gained her powers such as the amazing
ability to stumble my way through every video intro. (people laugh) As well as the ability to
make unforgettable characters such as horny woman,
horny man, and skeleton. (people laugh) I've also gained the ability to have Shayne ghost
write all of my tweets. (people react and laugh) But it doesn't stop there. No. A hunger for more. I need more powers. And I'm looking around this room at whose powers I'll take next. Maybe I'll go with Jackie
and gain the ability to have a crush on every
goddamn person I'll meet. (people laugh) The ability to become the human embodiment of the free form channel. (people laugh) Or maybe I'll go with Tommy and gain the super ability
to (bleep) hate myself. (people laugh) By the way, congratulations
to you and Spencer for finally hitchhiking a ride
out of the haunted mansion at Disneyland. (people laugh) Maybe I'll kill Kimmy. Or maybe I'll kill Ian. (people laugh) Gain the ability to bug
everyone the (bleep) out. With those powers, I can make all of my
therapist's emergency dial their therapists. (people laugh) Maybe I'll go with Amanda. Gain the ability to look like (bleep), smell like (bleep), talk like (bleep). Just all around be piece of (bleep). (people laugh) - Yes! - What's up Selina? Thanks for your help last week with helping embezzle funds
from this YouTube channel. (people laugh) Before I go, I have a couple things I got to say. One, I got merch in the store. (people laugh and clap) - Oh my God! - Smosh.com. Pretty good (bleep). And my last word... (Kimmy laughs) basic. (people laugh) (sad organ music plays) (Jackie crying) - My heart hurts knowing that Courtney Ruth is no longer with us and that I never got to
read this piece to her. This piece is titled "Courtney
Miller, A Dairy Tale" by Jacklyn Uweh. Thank you. Fade in on a blustery
Thursday at a local dairy farm in the heart of Los Angeles, California, (Amanda laughs) a coco-skinned, towering
goddess of a woman named Mackie pushed her way into the barn. Her breath cut when she happened upon the most breathtaking
species she had ever seen. Not a cow, not a goat,
but a medium-height, roughly five-foot, five-inch
cornucopia of a woman. The woman's hair was the
color of freshly chewed straw thrown up by a horse (people softy laugh) with brown roots, the color of dirt that newborn
piggies rolled around in. Her eyes, the color of
a freshly born Bluebird covered in its mother's placenta. A farm-fed woman indeed, with a personality screaming "I wish I was home right now." (people laugh) The woman introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Courtney. Want some milk?" (people softly laugh) Oh, she takes in Courtney's magnificence. Courtney dawns thigh-high,
purple, leather boots with a six-inch heel, a sliver of pale milky
white skin peeps out between the boot and the
cutoff cool lots she got from her grandma. On top, she wears a cutoff green tank that breathes "hello", all expertly strapped into
a seatbelt corset bustier stolen from a local baby's car seat. Overcome and overheated,
Mackie starts to choke. Courtney's slaps her across the back, slap, slap, slap, to help her find her sweet release. Mackie passes out. When she comes to, she's in an identical
seatbelt corset bustier, purple thigh-high leather boots, and a crop tank top that says "goodbye". What's that sound? To her right, she sees
Courtney's cow cut hair through the window bobbing
and weaving in perfect time. What is this angel up to now? She finds Courtney on the porch, churning butter like the rent is due. (people laugh) Up and down, up and down, she works to create
the most luscious cream east of the Mississippi. Courtney looks up at Mackie, "Are you here to spill?" And gestures to the churning station she already set up for Mackie. Mackie sits down on the wooden throne. "Follow me." Courtney works the butter churn
up and down and up and down. Mackie follows but can't keep up. Up and down, up, down, down and down, up. The rhythm is off. Courtney pulls her callous hands and puts them over Mackie's to help her. Down, up, down, up, churn, churn, churn, slap, slap, slap. Fade the black. End of cold open. (people laugh) - Oh my God. - This is my TV pilot I wrote. (people laugh) If anybody is in the industry, I feel free to take a copy. Rest in peace, Courtney. (people laugh) (sad organ music begins) I put my headshot on it. (sad organ music continues) (paper crumpling) (people soft giggle) - Missed. - Hey, everyone. I'm Johnny. Some of you may know me as the guy that Courtney was obsessed with. (people softly laugh) I'm her crush from middle school. It's kind of a big deal to her. (people softly laugh) You know, when Courtney died I was really kind of bummed
'cause she was my fallback. She was like my fallbacks,
fallbacks, fallbacks. But you know, I always
knew I can count on her if I ever got really desperate. (people laugh) So anyway, her dying was
really a benefit for me because it gave me inspiration. As you all know, I'm a musician. So, I made a song. ♪ You could have been my makeout girl ♪ ♪ I could have been your makeout boy ♪ ♪ We could live in a makeout world ♪ ♪ And play with all
sorts of makeout toys ♪ ♪ Your desperation push me away ♪ ♪ You were a nerd but I was cool ♪ ♪ Now that you're dead
you won't hear me say ♪ (people laugh) ♪ I wish I kissed you on
the last day of school ♪ ♪ Courtney, six feet under ♪ ♪ Crying in the rain and thunder ♪ ♪ And it's Johnny and Courtney for never ♪ ♪ Johnny and Courtney no more ♪ ♪ Johnny and Courtney for never ♪ ♪ Dying is what exes are for ♪ (people laugh) ♪ I'm sitting alone so late at night ♪ ♪ Eating Carl's Jr. chicken strips ♪ ♪ Then I got a call ♪ ♪ You took an angel's flight ♪ ♪ I cried into all my dips ♪ ♪ Carl's Jr. has amazing dips ♪ ♪ Barbecue and also ranch ♪ ♪ We could been the perfect pair ♪ ♪ I guess we never had the chance ♪ ♪ Courtney, six feet under ♪
(people laugh) ♪ Chicken from Carl's Jr ♪ ♪ And it's Johnny and Courtney for never ♪ ♪ For never ♪ ♪ Johnny and Courtney no more ♪ ♪ Johnny and Courtney for never ♪ ♪ For never ♪ ♪ Dying is what exes are for ♪ - Everybody now! ♪ Johnny and Courtney for never ♪ ♪ For never ♪ ♪ Johnny and Courtney no more ♪ ♪ Johnny and Courtney for never ♪ ♪ For never ♪ ♪ Dying is what exes are for ♪ ♪ Dying is what exes are for ♪ (people laugh) (sad organ music plays) - I have retainers in. (people laugh) (sad organ music plays) - Who the hell are you? (people laugh) - Thanks, guys. My face hurts from the smiling. Before I died I did what many people in my DMS have been requesting, and I finally started in OnlyFans. It's filled with just crazy nudes and I'm leaving the login with you guys. The username email is iansmosh@yahoo.com. (people laugh) And the password is... - Oh no! - God damn it! - Damn! - No! - That sucks. - I'll find it. - Love you, guys. - Love you, too.
- Love you. (sad organ music begins) (people claps)
