-Welcome, everybody. Thank you so much
for being here. Thank you. Please relax.
Welcome, everyone. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show." You're here.
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪ The director of the CDC appeared on four
Sunday morning talk shows to defend the quick reversal of mask recommendations
for vaccinated Americans. [ Scattered
cheering and applause ] Yeah. See,
half of the audience is clapping because I think a lot of people
don't understand the new rules. [ Laughter ] People -- America
hasn't felt this confused since Dunkin' Donuts started
selling avocado toast. [ Laughter ] I don't know what we do. -Where am I? -I get it --
it's a confusing time when Best Buy has tougher
health rules than the CDC. You know?
[ Laughter ] That's right --
somehow CDC guidelines have become more confusing than a parking sign
in New York City. It's like...
[ Laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] "Can I stand here?" "No. You can stand here
on Tuesday." "Oh."
[ Laughter ] That's right --
the director said that, for the new guidelines to work, the CDC is asking Americans to be honest
about their vaccination status. [ Laughter ] Really? People can't even tell the truth
on their Tinder profiles. You're gonna say -- Really?
[ Laughter ] Come on.
[ Applause ] It was a picture of me.
-Yeah. [ Laughs ] -Meanwhile,
today, even President Biden tried to add clarity
to the COVID situation. I don't think he helped anybody dressed as
The Phantom of the Opera. I thought that was interesting.
It was like... [ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Now we're doing half-masks.
-Half-masks. -We're doing half-masks now. ♪ Slowly... ♪ -♪ Of the night ♪ ♪♪ -But Biden announced
some good news -- for the first time
since the pandemic began, cases are down in all 50 states. So that's...
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪ That's great news. That's right --
COVID numbers are down and Instagram posts
of people's brunches are way up. -Aww.
[ Applause ] -Look at those eggs. Wow. Like! Biden also announced plans to send 20 million
more vaccine doses abroad by the end of June. You know that -- Yeah.
[ Cheering and applause ] That's good. [ Applause ] You now that when the vaccines
come back home, they'll be like, "It's actually pronounced
'Pfither.'" [ Laughter ] -[ Laughs ] -I went to "Barth-- Barthel--"
Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. I know.
-How long -- -What's up?
-How long were you there? -Two "dayth." [ Laughter ] Two dayth. Speaking of Biden, this weekend, a New York Times report revealed what the President is like, according to people
who work closely with him. They say Biden's obsessed
with details, asks many questions,
and displays unexpected warmth. It's all part of their plan
to release the most boring
tell-all book of all time. [ Laughter ] Oh, wow.
He flosses, too. Oh. [ Laughter ] The report also says
that Biden's drink of choice is Orange Gatorade. -Oh.
-Whoo! -Is it? [ Laughter ] Or is it just water
with Metamucil? [ Laughter ]
Okay, sure, Gatorade. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gatorade. Yeah. Apparently, Biden also doesn't
like to be served leafy greens 'cause he's afraid
of being photographed with something in his teeth. The White House kitchen
is like, "We're now on Year 5
of not serving salad." [ Laughter ] Let's change gears here. Well, people were
talking about this. Last night, "60 Minutes" had a piece on
the existence of UFOs. And this is what a former top
Pentagon official had to say. -So what you're telling me
is that UFOs are real? -Bill, I think
we're beyond that already. -It sounds nutty, wacky. -I'm not telling you that --
that it doesn't sound wacky. What I'm telling you --
it's real. The question is, what is it? What are its intentions? What are its capabilities? -And, of course,
he's talking about his goatee. [ Laughter ] "What are its intentions? Yes, it's wacky.
Yes, it's nutty." [ Laughter ] "I think it's kind of edgy,
and I'm also in a swing band." [ Light laughter ] I had no idea
the top Pentagon official was also in charge of all
the elves in the North Pole. -Wow. [ Laughter and applause ] -"Hermey doesn't like
to make toys!" [ Laughter ] All I know is,
if aliens are real, it means we're a year away
from seeing this. -I'm Lesley Stahl.
-I'm Bill Whitaker. -I'm Anderson Cooper. -And I am Gorgalack 368. -Okay. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Guys, today is May 17th,
and you know what that means -- it is Tax Day. [ Audience groans lightly ]
Yeah. [ Crowd boos ] [ Laughter ] -What was that? -I don't know.
Yeah, I get it. The most popular Google
search today was, "Can I write off my home
if it's also my office?" and, "Can I write off my bed
if it's also my desk?" [ Laughter ] Since it's Tax Day, can we see what the head of the IRS
looks like? Yeah, don't worry if you forgot
to file your taxes. He looks pretty understanding. [ Laughter ] Can I see him again?
Can we bring it -- [ Laughter ] He looks like his son
just told him, "I need 10 grand
for deejay school." [ Laughter and applause ] Some business news -- I saw that Pabst Blue Ribbon
and Entenmann's are teaming up to release a new pairing
of hard coffee and doughnuts. Take a look at this. [ Cheering and applause ] [ Laughs ]
-What? -What?!
-And to make it a truly balanced breakfast, just throw in half a pack
of Newport Lights. There you go -- that's --
-Wow, nice. -Speaking of new products, I heard that Mountain Dew
is launching a birthday cake-flavored
drink called "Mountain Dew Cake Smash." Take a look at this thing. Yep.
[ Audience ohhs ] On the can, the nutrition facts
just say, "Come on." -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -And finally,
a woman in California says she accidentally destroyed
a $26 million lottery ticket in the washing machine.
[ Audience groans ] When she told lottery officials that she lost
a $26 million lottery ticket, the guy behind her in line
was like, "Yes, I also lost
a $26 million lottery ticket." ♪♪ For the first time
in over a year, New York City has resumed
24-hour subway service. [ Cheering and applause ] That's right, the subways are once again running
24 hours a day, minus the 23 hours
they're out of service, [ Laughter ]
but, still. That's right,
the subway's running 24 hours. This is great news
for the city, but, a tough break
for all the rat weddings that are scheduled
between 2:00 and 4:00 am. [ Laughter and applause ] Unfortunate. Do you guys remember
simpler times in New York City, when the biggest health crisis
was a pole on the 7 train? [ Laughter ] Touch that thing. I'd rather fall into someone
than touch that pole. [ Laughter ] That's right, there's the A, there's the B, the C, a bunch of other types
of hepatitis you can get on the subway. Just be careful
when you grab that pole. [ Laughter ] Speaking of New York,
the Brooklyn Nets are in the NBA playoffs. -Oh! Wow! [ Cheering and applause ] They're in the NBA playoffs
and Mayor Bill de Blasio showed his team spirit
while announcing that their arena will also be
a vaccination site. Check out how he was dressed. -The Nets are now going to be
joining the battle against COVID with a mobile vaccination site
right outside Barclays Center. [ Laughter ] Right now, Jay-Z is like, "Thank God I sold my piece
of the Nets." [ Laughter and applause ] He looks like a guy
who sits courtside and can't get any high-fives
from the players. You know that guy? [ Laughter ] Yeah, the classic basketball fan
outfit -- hat, jersey, and a blue button-down
over the jersey. I don't think I've ever
seen anyone wear that [ Laughter ]
in my life, ever. You don't think there'd be
someone in the office to go like, "Anh... Why don't you put the jersey
over the shirt, maybe? Ah, you know what? Put the shirt over the jersey."
[ Laughter ] -The first thing you do is,
"Are you alright?" You know, "Are you okay?"
-That's the fashion version of an air ball, you know?
[ Laughter ] Rob Lowe looked more natural
at the NFC Championship and he was just -- I guess he was rooting
for football, there. [ Laughter ] Speaking of vaccination sites, later this week,
a strip club in Las Vegas will be offering
the COVID vaccine. [ Laughter and applause ] Alright,
now, we're up to two poles you shouldn't
put your hands on, okay? [ Laughter ] That's right, the strip club is
the only vaccination site where you leave
and still need to get tested. You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ] That's right, when you walk into the club,
there's a sign that says, "Two-dose minimum,"
you know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]
The idea makes sense. If we're being honest,
the vaccines do kind of sound
like stripper names, like, "Put your hands together
for Moderna!" [ Laughter and applause ] [ Vuvuzela blasts ] [ Cheering and applause ] Well, guys, COVID restrictions are being lifted
around the country, which means people are finally
getting out for the first time in over a year
and a lot of us have forgotten what's normal behavior
and what's not. For example,
it's normal for things to get a little stressful
at the grocery store when it's busy,
but it's not normal doing this. -Police say a fight broke out
between two women in the potato chip aisle. Security footage caught
one woman hitting the woman in the face with a 10-pound log
of prepackaged meat. [ Laughter and applause ] Also, with the weather
warming up, it's normal if you want to go
outside and hang out. What's not normal
is doing it like this. -One South Florida man tried
to tell police he was just hanging out. The only problem was he was
relaxing on a traffic light. [ Laughter ] Finally, it's totally normal
to start traveling again, okay? What's not normal
is doing this. -A Colorado man is facing
federal charges this morning, accused of disrupting
an Alaska Airlines flight by refusing to wear a mask and then urinating in the cabin. [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, my God. -He was pissed. [ Laughter ] -Some news out of Washington -- last night, President Biden
released his tax returns and the White House put out
a statement that said... [ Laughter and applause ] Then, just to rub it
in Trump's face even more, they tweeted it, you know. [ Laughter ] But this is nice --
according to their tax return, the Bidens gave over $30,000
to charity, yeah. It was an offshoot
of Big Brothers Big Sisters, called
Big Bidens Little Carters. [ Laughter and applause ] Some news from overseas -- I read that Kim Jong-un
has banned citizens from having mullets
or wearing skinny jeans. [ Laughter and applause ] Right now, everyone's like,
"I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I agree with Kim Jong-un." [ Laughter and applause ] I mean, come on,
compared to Kim Jong-un, all pants are skinny pants.
Look at this. [ Laughter and applause ] Let me see that picture again. -Come on. -His waist and his leg hole
are both size 38. [ Laughter ] Listen to this --
according to a new report, some U.S. airlines may start
weighing passengers before they board their flight. [ Booing ] You know
Americans will be like -- [ Surfer voice ]
Wait, let me take off my mask and see if that makes
a difference because, you know,
I've been wearing it all day. It's like four pounds
of mask weight, so. [ Laughter ] Now, when you get
to the airport, you get searched and weighed. We're basically
a urine sample away from it being a full physical. [ Laughter ] It's not as bad as it sounds. You just discreetly step
on a scale and then, the pilot announces it
to everyone onboard. "Okay, Jerry weighs 310 pounds." [ Laughter ] Some celebrity news --
over the weekend, Ariana Grande surprised everyone and got married
in a small ceremony. Hey! [ Cheering and applause ] We love you, Ariana!
We love Ariana. [ Applause ] It was the only wedding
where the priest said, "We will now exchange
these seven rings." [ Laughter ] And, finally,
I was watching MSNBC yesterday and something pretty unfortunate
happened to a cyclist taking a selfie behind the
reporter. Watch this. -And we know
that these changes -- -Oh!
-Oh, boy. [ Laughter ] Yeah.
Her friends were like, "Well, on the bright side,
your selfie's trending." [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪ Today President Biden gave
his first commencement address as commander-in-chief at the
Coast Guard Academy graduation. Yeah, Biden's speech lasted
about 30 minutes, until a Coast Guard captain
fired off a rescue flare. It's like, "Wrap it up, buddy."
[ Laughter ] Even Navy SEALs were looking
at the Coast Guard like, "How did you make it
through that?" [ Laughter ] But this was nice. Biden
personally handed out diplomas to all 240 graduates. Then Fox News criticized him
for more government handouts. [ Laughter and applause ] You could tell Biden is 78 'cause he also gave
every graduate a check for $10. [ Laughter ] [ As Biden ]
Don't spend it all in one place. At the end of his visit,
Biden received a gift. It was pretty special.
Take a look at this. -On behalf of the class of 2021, I would like to present to you
this token of our appreciation. [ Applause ] [ Laughter ] That's a good joke. He said the same thing
at Christmas when his grandkids got him
a Life Alert. [ Laughter ] On his ride home, he used the
sword to open a string cheese. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Anyway, that'll explain why
he shows up to his next event wearing an eye patch.
You what I'm saying? [ Laughter ] Got a sword. [ Laughter ] What is he gonna do with it? Like popping bottles of Ensure. [ Laughter and applause ] Side note, by the way --
why does the Coast Guard carry swords? [ Laughter ] Shouldn't it be
a harpoon or something? [ Laughter ]
Guarding the coast like, "Something's coming down
the coast! Let's wait till they land
and get about two feet from us, then we can defend ourselves." Get them bazookas.
What are we doing? [ Laughter ] Yeah, Biden spent the day with the Coast Guard's
newest graduates, which brings us
to a new segment called "Inspiring Words
from Your Commander-in-Chief." ♪♪ -You're a really dull class. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Hey, this is interesting.
I saw that kids ages 13 to 17 can officially trade stocks with Fidelity's
new youth investing accounts. Yeah, you'll know your kids
are too into trading when they're up at 3:00 a.m. for the Asian markets,
downing Pixy Stix. [ Laughter ] I can already see a dad
threatening to cut off his son's allowance
and the son just smiles and lights a cigar with a $50. [ Laughter ] "Why don't you go
mow the lawn, Dad?" [ Laughter ] Get this. Google just announced
a new privacy feature that will allow users to delete the last 15 minutes
of their search history. It's easy.
You just go to Settings and turn on Perv Mode. [ Laughter ] That's very simple. Some more business news --
Dunkin' Donuts just announced a new partnership
with a paint company for the chain's first-ever
paint collection. [ Laughter ] It's for anyone who's ever
walked into a Dunkin' Donuts like, "I want to live here." [ Laughter ] I saw that next month
General Mills is releasing four of its most popular cereals
in oatmeal form. Or you could just pour milk
into your favorite cereal and wait literally 10 seconds. [ Laughter ] It's Wheaties. It's spackle. [ Laughter ] That's right,
Lucky Charms oatmeal. And if you're looking for
a healthier breakfast option, I recommend drinking
Dunkin' Donuts paint. [ Laughter ]
I'm not a doctor. Finally, I read
about an Air France flight that traveled nearly seven hours
from Paris to Montreal powered by used cooking oil. Yeah, it's great if you don't
mind spending seven hours knowing that you're on a plane
powered by used cooking oil. It's like, "Only 6 hours
and 49 minutes left, everybody. We're almost -- We can do this.
We can do this." [ Laughter ] Yep, the cooking-oil flight
landed on time, but they had to wait 10 minutes
under a heat lamp until someone came
and picked them up. ♪♪ Guys, this is very exciting. Today, New York announced
a new program called "Vax and Scratch,"
where people who get vaccinated receive a lottery ticket
that could be worth $5 million. [ Cheering and applause ] Wow!
Just think, in one day, New Yorkers can get
a life-saving vaccine and enough money
for a one-bedroom apartment. Isn't that unbelievable?
[ Laughter and applause ] A studio apartment,
let's be honest. I can't wait to hear
a guy at the bodega say -- [ New York accent ]
Give me four Pfizers,
a few Modernas, a Lucky Sevens,
and a Quick Pick, too. And you gotta get four,
because that's how they do it. The fourth one's
always the winner. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile,
New Jersey also announced some new vaccine incentives,
like free wine, park passes, and dinner with the governor
and his wife. [ Audience "Oohs" ] People in New Jersey were like, "Well, two out of three
ain't bad." [ Laughter ] Can't wait until some guy wins dinner with the governor
and is like -- [ New Jersey accent ]
Honey, break out the fancy evening track suits. This is a legitimate
dinner situation. [ Laughter and applause ] Steam it out.
Zip it up halfway. -"Oh!"
-Speaking of vaccines, the FDA now says that
the Pfizer vaccine can be stored at normal
refrigerator temperatures for up to a month. [ Cheering and applause ]
That's big. So we've gone
from storing the vaccine in a special
containment facility to treating it like leftover
pad Thai, so that's good. [ Laughter ] "Does this smell weird to you? Just put it in the needle
and give me it. I don't know."
[ Laughter ] Some big news from Washington. Last night, the House voted
252-175 to form a commission that would investigate
the January 6th Capitol riots. [ Cheering and applause ] But that's right -- that's almost half of the House
voted no. It's like playing a game
of "Clue" and half the players are like, "I think
we just let this one go. Right?
[ Laughter ] With the pipe in the library,
we're good." Yeah. Not only did 175 Republicans
vote against the commission, they also want to make
January 6th Bring Your Insane Rioter
to Work Day. -Really?
-I think that's interesting. The bill
now heads to the Senate, where it needs the support
of 10 Republicans. Come on.
There's a better chance of 10 dentists supporting
Mountain Dew Cake Smash. You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ] Well, get this, Mike Pence's
brother Greg Pence voted no. [ Audience groans ] People said, "Don't you care
that they tried to kill your brother?"
He was like -- [ Surfer voice ]
No's before bros. [ Laughter ] That'll make for a fun
family barbecue this summer. [ As Mike Pence ]
Mother, ask Judas how he wants
his meat patty. [ Laughter ] Some business news --
I saw that, this summer, IHOP plans to launch
a more casual spin-off chain called Flip'd by IHOP. [ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah. That was always my complaint
about IHOP -- too formal. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -How much more casual
can you get than a restaurant that has word jumbles
on the placemats? [ Laughter ] Hey, I heard that Uber released
its annual Lost & Found Index, which is always fun.
Check out some of the items that people left behind
over the past year. -Among the most commonly
forgotten items are... [ Laughter ] -Yeah, either a bunch of people
were really drunk, or Carrot Top uses Uber. [ Laughter ]
♪♪ Today the White House
announced a new way that they're trying to get more Americans vaccinated.
Listen to this. -Some of America's biggest
dating apps are joining the White House push
to get Americans vaccinated. Apps including Tinder, Hinge,
and Bumble will offer badges for singles to display
their vaccination status. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] Sure. That's great. The only other shot dating apps
ever promoted was Penicillin, so I think that's a great --
[ Laughter ] I like the idea.
You get your shots, you meet someone on Tinder,
then get a few more shots. [ Laughter ] Usually, when you hear
"White House" and "Tinder" in the same sentence, it's followed by
"resignation" and "disgrace." You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ] You know this started when
some CDC employee was like, "Uh, honey,
it's not what you think. It's a work project." [ Laughter ] Yeah, they're offering
a bunch of features for users who get the vaccine,
like being able to add an "I'm vaccinated" badge
to their profile. [ Laughter ]
Americans are like, "Ooh, that's even hotter
than being verified on Twitter. [ Laughter ] That's hot. [ Laughter ] That's hot." [ Laughter ] NB.
[ Laughter ] That's my new jam.
-Oh, cool. -NB?
-NB, yeah. -No biggie?
-Yeah, you don't say D anymore. -You don't say NBD?
You just go NB? -No, "no big deal" -- too long.
-Right. -NBD. NBD. Fine. NB. There you go.
[ Laughter ] Check, please.
-That's sharp, yeah. -Right?
-I feel hipper. -That's... That's hot. [ Laughter ] NB. The dating sites are also adding
a lot of other helpful badges too, like
"actually six feet tall." -Oh.
[ Cheering and applause ] -That'll work. [ Cheering and applause
continue ] Prove it! Stand next to something. Stand next to something
that's six feet tall. Yeah. -It's a giant fire hydrant. [ Laughter ] -Also they have the badge,
"This is a recent photo." Yeah, yeah. I want to know. Yeah, I want to know,
is this a recent photo? Then there's also the badge,
of course, "Not a serial killer." And that's good
if you know that. Also, for the weirdos
who post group photos on their dating profile,
they offer, "I'm the second one
from the right." [ Laughter and applause ] "I know. I know it's a group photo, but it's a good one of me,
so I'm going to post it. I mean, look who else you could
have been stuck with. My other friends are disasters." Speaking of vaccinations, I saw
that people will soon be able to get their vaccine shots
at airports, like LaGuardia. [ Audience ohs ] New Yorkers heard and were like,
"I'm flying through LaGuardia. You think I care about living?
[ Laughter ] I just ate a cold hot dog
and flat soda. [ Laughter ]
I don't care." I'm guessing the people who are
waiting to get vaccinated at the airport
are the same people buying luggage at the airport. How busy are you? [ Laughter ] "I'm just gonna wear
10 layers of clothes and get through security,
then I'll peel off each layer and fold in it my new luggage." [ Laughter ] Get this. I saw that
the Pope just signed off on the first all-electric
Popemobile. Check this thing out.
Look at this. Huh? [ Laughter ] Let me see that again.
[ Laughter ] That spaceship-looking thing? Ladies and gentlemen, here he is
coming down the procession, Pope Tron Paul.
There he is. [ Laughter ] It looks like the Pope's
going to exit that thing smoking a vape pen, doesn't it? [ Laughter ] Can I see that once again
really quick? I just want to see
that vehicle, yeah. It looks like the new Domino's
delivery car, doesn't it? [ Laughter ] "Hey, can I get
a blessed crust pizza? Thanks. Sorry! Oh.
I'm sorry, Pope. I apologize." [ Laughter ] Some business news --
this summer, Google is opening its first ever retail store. [ Audience oohs ]
Yeah. And since it's Google,
you just walk in, they already know what
you're looking for. [ Laughter ]
"How you doing, Dave? Yeah, we have your phone.
Also, unicorns aren't real. So hey, welcome."
[ Laughter ] And, finally, I read about
a Japanese bullet train driver who took a three-minute
bathroom break while the train was
going 90 miles an hour. When they heard no one
was driving the train, passengers took a bathroom break
right in their seats.
