Trump’s Hands Stir Up Syphilis Speculation & MyPillow Mike Sells Organs After Getting Dropped by Fox

previously on jimmmy Kimmel Live let's talk about where we go potty at a potty where where do you go poop at our pants no no no we don't poop in our pants or our diaper Chase Chase where do we go potty where we go poop at a potty in the potty can I poop in our pants yes no where do we go poop a a a Dapper no not the diaper in in the potty hey Jay can can we go poop in our diaper yes no from Hollywood it's Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight Terry crw Chrissy T and David CH and music from Sierra Farah with Cleo and the ceto and now Jimmy [Applause] Kimel [Applause] hi everybody give me host of the show on thanks for watching see so relax it's too much already thank you for joining us we are um located if you want to find us at our headquarters in Hollywood where we keep an eye on everything going on all over the world at all times especially what's going on politically you know in Washington today Congress maneuvered to avoid a government shutdown it would have happened tomorrow it went all the way to the 11th Hour again when did Congress become a stoner who keeps forgetting the rent is due at the end of the month it's Donald Trump has had oh boy Donald Trump has had to deal with a uh viral moment that was embarrassing even for him this is a photo you can see Trump waving his way in the court and if you look closely you can see red spots on his hand which many people noted is a common symp of syphilis which could mean Donald Trump has syphilis or syphilis has Donald Trump one of those you know Trump famously said avoiding STDs he said in an interview uh when he was single in the 9s was his personal Vietnam but if he he has cus I would mean the only Vietnam he avoided was Vietnam it is possible that Trump may have a condition they call neuros syphilis and while I am not a doctor I thought that as a public service it might make sense for us to go through the list of symptoms clevin Clinic presents CIS and you beware of these Telltale symptoms of syphus mood swings no get those lights off off turn them off they're too they're too bright turn them off country we appreciate it very much Tim Apple judgment president Trump and first lady Melania at the White House the president staring at the sun without glasses at first confusion delusions frankly we did win this election delirium think of it magnets now all I know about magnets is this give me a glass of water let me drop it on the magnet that's the end of the Magnus Mania Mr Trump posted well over 100 times on Twitter throughout the day psychosis so supposing we hit the body with a tremendous very powerful light SS interesting seizures uh I don't remember don't be like dirty dawn a message from the Cleveland Clinic when you've got BD think Cleveland all right to be a slogan for the town the good news is either way Melania will be fine they haven't slept in the same bed since uh how old is Baron 17 yeah she'll be okay it's probably ketchup you know he probably got his hands in a container of curly fries or something but it's funny cuz you know if one of his opponents had something like that he'd be all over it he'd talk about it for years he'd be posting in all caps about meatball Rond de syphilis and uh Nikki herpy but they haven't brought it up I don't know if this had anything to do with that rumor but Trump has been going out of his way to convince us his brain is just fine the Elephant Man was in New Hampshire last night again bragging about the results of that cognitive test he claims he aced in the summer of 2020 I said well is that a hard test it can be hard I said look I got to take it because I got to shut it up and I took it and I aced it I think it was 35 30 questions and let me tell you you know they always show you the first one like a giraffe a tiger or this or that a whale which one is the whale okay and that goes on for three or four and then it gets harder and harder and harder and then it's multiply 3,293 * 4 divide by three they have plenty of tough stuff but those last 15 20 questions I guarantee you Biden couldn't get by number three I think he'd probably get the whale well you know there's only one way to find out you should both take the test on TV I together let's live let's let's skip these debates and turn it into a game show I want to see stable MC genius figure out 3,293 time 4 divided three I really do and then Moby dictionary regaled the crowd with his latest contribution to the English language we have more liquid gold and wealth under our feet than any other Nation we have more Liquid Gold oil and gas more Liquid Gold well I just met non-liquid gold you know where it was Iowa it's called corn they have it's non liquid that's my you have more non Liquid Gold they said what is that I said corn they said we love that idea you know that's pretty cool thought isn't it that's a nickname in its own way but we came up with a new word for new couple of words for corn so proud of everything he does everything he says like a group of dummies gather around and go amazing Mr President we never thought of that all this time we're standing around calling a corn here you come you name it non-liquid gold can I get you some non-liquid gold on the cob Trump is said to be kicking the tires on possible running mates right now and the front runner is said to be Elise stonic who is a congresswoman from New York this is Elise she always looks like she's about to serve you the worst potato salad you've ever had after initially being very critical of trump for his treatment of women stefanic has changed tun significantly Trump reportedly believes stepanic is a killer which would be funny in a couple years when Trump tells his supporters to kill her but uh Trump was very busy in court yesterday trying to intimidate egene Carroll the woman he sexually assaulted he had no reason to be there in court but his lawyer asked the judge to cancel the hearing today so he could be at his mother-in-law's funeral the judge said no and of course they threw a fit they said he should be allowed to mourn with his family which he was he went to the funeral anyway it was melan's mother who passed away and Trump was so full of deep sorrow he only found time to post 26 times today attacking aene Carol can you imagine before the funeral Trump had his mind on his criminal cases he's very worried about how the Supreme Court is going to rule on the presidential immunity he believes clears him of all wrongdoing he raged in all caps a president of the United States must have full immunity without which it would be impossible for him her to suddenly he's into pronouns to properly function even events that cross the line must fall under total immunity or it will be years of trauma trying to determine good from bad even events that cross the line it means the President should be allowed to do anything to anyone at any time all presidents must have complete and total presidential immunity or the authority and decisiveness of a president of the United States will be stripped and gone forever hopefully this will be an easy decision God bless the Supreme Court let me tell you something if those three judges he appointed to the Supreme Court take this case and rule against him he is going to blow a whale siiz windmill out of his ass I mean it might actually kill him this could be it sometimes I wonder once Trump is dead and gone and buried on the 18th hole of one of his golf courses will things get better or will we have a whole new crop of magga brains to deal with and in Oklahoma there's a state representative named Justin Humphrey who's making a real case for himself by proposing legislation that would crack down on furries in the classroom under house bill 3084 students who quote purport to be an imaginary animal commonly referred to as furries shall not be allowed to participate in school activities representative Justin Humphrey said he authored that bill the bill says students would be picked up by a parent or animal control that part Humphrey says was a joke here's the deal what those people ought to be is mental health I mean we can always change language in that we should get these kids to some mental health experts is this come on is this really a problem by the way we've always had furries in schools we just called them mascots we let them run on the court and everything there's little to no evidence that uh there's a furry infestation in American public schools which makes you wonder why these loons keep bringing it up it's starting to feel a little bit like a one of those he who delt it smelted type situations and then we have a guy in Kentucky Nick Wilson who was a contestant on Survivor and one who's also working hard to help solve the problems that hurt us most Kentucky lawmaker and former Survivor winner representative Nick Wilson has filed bill that would remove the first cousin Clause from ky's incest law House Bill 269 would remove first cousins from the list of familial relationships meaning it would no longer be illegal to have sexual contact with those family members look the guy lives in a small town and he's got a very hot cousin what are you going to do this has been a um tough week for mikae lell our my pillow pal and uh you know I don't know if you heard but his commercials are no longer welcome on Fox News Fox News has cancelled my pillow uh we don't know why we can only uh we can only make a couple guesses uh maybe it's because uh Lou dobs was added over here at Lindell TV to this all new lineup we have and that was just a few days ago we showed his first interview with our great real president Donald Trump uh or maybe it's because they don't want my face even on their Network leading up to the 202 for election in support of our great real president Donald Trump well fox says the reason they dropped uh Mike is because he owes the money a spokesperson for fox said he hasn't been paying his bills they said as soon as their account is paid we would be happy to accept their advertising but in spite of that I thought pretty clear clarification pillow Mike still seems perplexed so everyone you know says well what can we do the fox did this tell everyone you know to come to lindel TV tell everyone you know to get to lindel TV hello hello hello service no thank you this is live everybody this is live running a tight ship over there at the Hampton in but but I have to say I hate to see this you know Michael Mell he was a crack addict he made he built this company and now he's lost millions of dollars because he actually believes this conspiracy stuff and I'm worried about him so I thought maybe it would be nice to check in on him and um see how hey how how's about this if you act now you get 20% off a perfectly fine human do human kidney and you just type in a promo code organ Freeman Mike Mike Mike the phone is H you're still you're still there it's no I'm not on the phone it's Jimmy Kimmel Mike Mike why are you in a bathtub full of ice Jiminy crumble not no didn't you see he was trying to close a deal uh Mike are you selling your organs for money not all of them just the ones that don't do nothing for you like the kidneys and the liver and the lung and like that now listen I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure the liver and the kidneys and the lung do a lot well so far so good although it hurt like a b word coming out yeah I bet it did are did you take any pain medication before Oh I can't take no pain pills otherwise I'll wake up in the RB's bathroom again only to realize I've been the assistant manager there for 6 months yeah yeah I could see thatan it's okay they gave me some Flinstone tubles here and they gave me a they gave me a jadee Fonda workout video a BHS Jane found a tape so it calm me down that doesn't seem like it would help at all oh no the tape got me worked real great Jane fer she gets me huffing and puffing which is impressive considering I only got one lung now right yeah yeah well yeah can is that your the other one can be yours for just $ 399999 when you use a promo code long fu fighting a check out are you okay Mike sorry the long I got left in there is the only one I ever used to smoke all that crack cocaine oh okay I get it now I understand that you're in financial trouble but you can't just sell your vital organs you no D you pedo that's why I'm also my newest product my blood blood this this is the good stuff too it ain't got none of them vaccine 5G microchips that alert Bill Gates every time you have a Hom OR erotical dream about some cousin plus my blood is loaded with iron because I chew my nails now wait why would chewing your nails give you iron I don't chew my nails I choose my nails Oh My Nails I see don't don't eat the nails Mike there's no you should not eat [Music] Nails that's a lot of nails the best part about selling your blood is it's an unlimited resource when you get low on it your body just makes more yeah like a cow in a lot of ways oh no Mike are you are you all right Ling myir fine I'm still here I thought you got me cancel cultured like Fox News did cuz I stole away Lou dubs now that's what I want to ask you about Fox claims the reason it had nothing to do with L dubs he said the reason your ads aren't running is because you haven't paid your bill well that's crazy Jimmy if you don't pay your power bill they don't just turn the lights off yeah I think they do actually they do yeah yeah they do that's okay well then you just run over at Dave nery's place and run an extension court and now as you know it you can still watch that Sally JY Raphael fell well I think Sally Jeffrey Raphael is no Mike wake up Mike Mike oh no Mike Jesus Mar in steenbergen where am I you're you're bleeding in a motel bathtub is where you are oh thank God I'm just bleed now I'm very worried about you Mike hey we got a buyer here hello hello K kich kichi oh youro son huh what is that he it's one of my Japanese customers they buy a lot of my plasma to make their TVs okay well you you drive a hard bargain but but if you really want the big toe I guess we could throw that in too get in here this little Piggy's going to Market in Tokyo oh no I I if I don't see you again it was nice knowing you f l okay thank you Micha and his nephew doing all right doing [Applause] good

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,852,945

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Congress, Washington, Donald Trump, Trump, Syphilis, Ron Desantis, Nikki Haley, Cognitive Test, Truth Social, Fox News, My Pillow, Mike Lindell, Lindell TV, Organ Donor, Melania Trump, New Hampshire

Id: eAqqhmtW42k

Length: 17min 7sec (1027 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 19 2024