Trump Complains About Lack of Airtime, Ted “Cancun” Cruz Endorses Donny & Everybody Has COVID Again

previously on Jimmy Kimo live from Hollywood it's Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight Rob blow ik Baron hor and music from kuchi with cleto in the cleto and now Jimmy [Applause] Kimble the show thank you for watching thank you for joining us here in Hollywood on what for most of the country not us but for most of the country it was another day of bitter cold a second Arctic blast is blasting I guess which is what they do I don't know if I've ever heard of an Arctic blast before this week am I imagining it or are they inventing new weather bomb Cyclones fire nates snow boners now that I made the last one up but once the weather channel gets a hold of it who knows it'll be snow bone or Mania in Colorado it is so cold that if you leave your house with wet hair you could wind up looking like this yay it looks like I'm it's looks like I'm behind a tree with a bunch of branches around me we should do this for crazy hair day you can also do it for pneumonia day that is a that's dangerous one mean little brother could snap all that hair off in Portland in Portland Oregon not Maine a guy came home find that he was was off in his place and the water in his toilet frozen solid sadly His Wish did not come true you can't throwing a nickel in the in the toilet is how you wish for Donald Trump to be president again did you know that the weather is supposed to change next week it's been abnormally cold next week it's supposed to be abnormally warm which it's cold it's hot it's hot it's cold everybody's in a bad mood is it possible America is going through menopause right now we we're less than a week away from the New Hampshire primary Donald uh Trump snowplow his way into Atkinson New Hampshire last night to shout at voters about who didn't give him enough airtime after the Iowa caucuses last night it was amazing NBC and CNN refused to air my victory speech think of it because they are crooked they're dishonest and frankly they should have their licenses or whatever they have taken away they put on they put on Nikki haly she came in third a distant third like I mean a distant third and they put on Ronda San demonius who came in a boring second a boring second that's also his nickname for Eric by the way it's this man is actually complaining he doesn't get enough coverage on television Ronda santis right now is currently sitting at a sad 5% in New Hampshire ABC and CNN decided to C cancel their uh New Hampshire debate coverage because Trump and Nikki Haley said they would not attend so the good news is if you still want to hear uh two Republicans who will never be president argue about politics you could always go visit your parents Trump last night picked up an endorsement from the gentleman who beat him in Iowa back in 2016 Ted Cancun Cruz Ted said he is quote proud to endorse the man who said his wife was ugly and his father killed JFK it's always nice I have to say it's nice with two of the most repugnant turds on the planet can bury old feuds and shave each other's disgusting backs Ted Cruz endorsing Donald Trump is like a tick endorsing lime disease you well fiber's been playing all the hits on the campaign Trail including an extended whine about the fact that he was forced to leave the White House when I left uh which was ridiculous that we had to leave but we had to leave we have to follow the laws of our land and he's nothing if not law-abiding he's really sticks right to the letter you have had to leave because 80 million people voted to evict you from the White House Trump had a lot to say in a limited amount of time so it really silk it in we slowed him down to half speed for a new New Hampshire edition of drunk Donald Trump they say get him off the stage he needs another whatever happened to that whatever happened to the [Applause] cocaine good question Congress is always on Pace to have one of its least productive sessions ever they've only passed 34 bills so far they've introduced more photos of Hunter Biden's penis than actual legislation why do I feel like this all ends with Hunter Biden doing a Super Bowl commercial for the Best Buy Geek Squad never leave your laptop again this morning the Speaker of the House Mike Johnson had to answer an interesting question Johnson uh who's an election denier claims to be deeply religious so someone ask whether Joe Biden's presidency was God's will is Joe Biden's presidency God's will God is the one that allows people to be raised in Authority uh it it must have been God's will then uh that's my belief right well I hope Trump doesn't find out about that because uh you tell Trump God picked gu Biden that Mike is not going to have a Johnson tomorrow they said say that Trump won big in Iowa because he has unusually strong support from Evangelical Christians why I have no idea but he does somehow Trump continues to get support from evangelicals one of them even made a video that suggests he was specifically chosen by God to run the country whoever made this video used AI to recreate the voice of Paul Harvey remember Paul Harvey say and now you know the rest of the story well Paul Harvey is deceased but they ran his voice through a computer to make this and on June 14th 1946 God looked down on his planned paradise and said I need a caretaker so God gave us Trump God said I need somebody willing to get up before Dawn fix this country work all day fight the marxists eat supper then go to the Oval Office and stay past midnight at a meeting of the heads of state so God made Trump even Jesus was like Jesus I mean many uh a lot of religious people including a number of actual Pastors in Iowa were mortified to see Trump being compared to God in a political ad one of them said it mirrored the original sin of Lucifer and I don't know much about that but I feel like the video got some of the visuals wrong so we rejiggered it a little bit and on June 14th 1946 God looked down on his planned paradise and said I need a caretaker so God gave us Trump God said I need somebody willing to get up before Dawn fix this country work all day fight the marxists eat supper then go to the Oval Office and stay past midnight at a meeting of the heads of state so God made Trump I need somebody with arms strong enough to rustle the Deep State and yet gentle enough to deliver his own grandchild somebody to ruffle the feathers tame cantankerous World economic Forum come home hungry have to wait until the first lady is done with lunch then tell the ladies to be sure and come back real soon so God gave us Trump God said I need somebody who will be strong and courageous I need the most diligent worker to follow the path and remain strong in faith and then his oldest son turns and says Dad let's make America great again so God made Trump well at least you know what at least he apologize so a lot of the focus for the upcoming election is on the age of the candidates Trump is 77 and Biden is 81 and because of that some people are saying we should put age limits on political office it's a legitimate question and Biden and Trump are actually spring chickens compared to Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley Chuck Grassley is 90 years he's almost 10 years older than Joe Biden he's already fil to run for re-election in 2028 when he will be 95 years old for the past decade and this is for real Chuck Grassley has been in a one-sided Twitter feud with the History Channel he's tweeted about the History Channel almost 20 times and he's very mad at them he ju look just turn to History Channel no history I used to get history why do we have such a channel when it doesn't do history I turn to History Channel frequently because I like history there's never any history unless you're an antique dealer change name just love history so occasionally I turn to History Channel Mudcats when will they put history back on the Channel History no history axeman Timber nothing historical back to Fox size suggest name to change channel name wondering if no History Channel would be interested in covering my Axe and Chainsaw work at my farm for axeman at least it would be new if you don't like history now it's time to go to History Channel and you can watch Pawn Stars I'm having lunch with Chris Moody talking about no history on the History Channel I should not give up staff just notifi me is some history on History Channel so I'm watching go there quickly check it out a friend just told me real history on part-time History Channel I'm in car something about Washington can't believe it there's history on History Channel learning about electricity inventor Edison powering America hurry there's history on History Channel Ottoman Empire really history on the History Channel yes history a till of the Hun right now miracle upon Miracle 5 hours later there's still history on the mislabeled History Channel quick right now go to History Channel they have a real history for a shocker praise the Lord for divine intervention there's history on the History Channel right now tune in before they go to Swamp man what a character I feel like maybe do you think it's possible that he just doesn't know how to work the remote he can't change the channel because Chuck you don't need to watch history you are it you're 90 he's also mad that MTV doesn't show videos anymore but that's another night the LA Clippers I don't know if you heard are any Clippers fans sorry just kidding um are trying something new their new stadium is scheduled to open this summer and it's being fitted with technology that will track how much fans cheer during the game here's Clippers owner Steve Balmer who put on a helmet to explain how this technology is going to work and I'll just say we want this to be the p ultimate basketball experience on the planet As Good As It Gets The Pinnacle the peak stay in your seat or get up you get up we're going to know that you stood up as long as you you want us to you got to give us the permission we'll know that you get up we know that you cheer we know how loudly you were cheer if you're if you're good on those things we can give you little discounts around the shop just to to reinforce that excellent Behavior not only is that terrifying it might be the saddest thing I've ever heard I mean my gu it's like when your mom has to pay other kids to come to your birthday party you get rewarded for good behavior at the Clippers leave it to the Clippers to make going to a game feel like prison in other sports news after 24 years under Bill bellich the New England Patriots have a new head coach former player and linebackers coach Gerard Mayo was introduced today uh at a press conference with team owner Robert Craft and they're already a formidable deal it's an honor to share this announcement with Gerard's family his brothers donon Derek and Sher sham sh I'll get it right I'll get it right get it right well we'll have to no it's all right it's one of those black names I'll help you with that I like these two together it's a craft and Mayo it's like a food based detective team or something hey you know what's making get a comeback co uh everybody has Co including each one of you it's the studio is filled with it they're saying that since the start of the holidays back in November a new subvariant is causing a surge of infection 74% most of the data comes from analyzing Wastewater which sounds like a great job finding viruses in the sewer but while the variant itself seems to be milder than those in the past tens of thousands of people are still getting Co people are still dying from Co and the CDC says awareness is the key to staying safe the following is an important message from the Centers for Disease Control and prevention regarding the ongoing covid-19 Health crisis oh sorry uh didn't realize we were still doing these uh all right what is this one about Co okay let's see uh get boosted yeah wash your hands saying happy birthday all that all right listen humans don't have long on this planet between microplastics global warming that super disease coming out next year that we're not supposed to tell you about yet we're all so get weird man have unprotected sex commit crimes try ketamine drain the kidss college fund to buy scratch offs go your cousin none of it matters life is chaos we are Stardust anyway that's it I'm going to go punch my neighbor let's go Mets and uh Baba buoy the CDC Dare to Live [Applause] deliciously

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,753,632

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Cold, Winter, Artic Blast, GOP, Republicans, Democrats, Donald Trump, Trump, Iowa Caucus, Drunk Trump, Hunter Biden, Mike Johnson, Chuck Grassley, History Channel, Gen Z, Driving, LA Clippers, Covid-19, Robert Kraft, Patriots, New Hampshire

Id: 6jNbcAElMlk

Length: 14min 58sec (898 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 18 2024