Mitch McConnell Stepping Down, Melania Trump Gossip & Don Jr’s Plan to Give Daddy a Boost

thank you very thank you for joining us it's um oh that's very I needed I tell you what we are we are squeaking toward the end of February I got to say I don't know if I'm going to make it to November guys it's just too much we uh you know we still have 46 primaries to go you knew that right G yes yeah I know you have that primary Advent calendar going at home all eyes were on the state of Michigan last night for the primary elections there as was expected Donald Trump scored bigly over Nikki Haley and the Republicans who affirmed that she has no intention of dropping out she said her campaign is going to take this race one crushing defeat at a time and President Biden is running against no one he beat no one with a commanding 81% of the vote 133% of Democrats in Michigan voted uncommitted Michigan is home to a large population of Muslim Americans many of whom do not like Joe Biden's approach to the war in in the Middle East and that could be a big problem you know last time he only won Michigan by around 150,000 votes which is a very slim margin uh if Muslim Democrats in Michigan withhold their vote he could lose the state which would likely elect Trump which who would immediately turn Gaza into a giant Moses themed Golf Resort and but the important thing is vote with your Rage that's how we do it now and President Biden is um boy it's coming in from every side including cyber space today Biden issued an executive order to safeguard American data from our foreign enemies who are working hard to try to steal it it's called The change your password from password act the order is designed to prevent large scale data theft and make uh all the hackers on Earth laugh simultaneously Grand podus also paid a visit to his doctor at wal for Reed Medical Center today nothing serious or just making sure he's still alive he had his annual checkup and I don't know if he's trying to like make a point that he's in good shape or if he just really had to pee but he's walking pretty fast on that wet surface and uh I mean he really was hustling to the uh I haven't seen you since high school oh my goodness right this way oh my god let's go Wow Let's go well you know what he just he earned it Biden's physical took about um three hours one hour of physical examination two for him to get his pants back on he got a clean bill of health the doctor said that even at 81 he is as healthy as a horse and buggy and it's funny people act like the results of Biden's physical are somehow going to influence who we vote for I don't care if he comes out of that doctor's office in an iron lung I would be fully okay with a Weekend at Bernie's type White House situation if it means no Trump and I mean and while Joe was getting his prostate manipulated his son Hunter went in for a probe it was conducted by the Republican Le house oversight committee today's session was held behind closed doors which is exciting that's where hunter likes to get pretty freaky but um seems obvious the Republicans don't have anything big on him he offered repeatedly to do this interview in public live on TV the committee doesn't want that they don't want us to see how little they actually have so they insisted on doing it in secret these are some of the members of the oversight committee by the way including uh Clan mom margerie telen and the beetle juicer herself Lauren boubert who is obsessed with trying to pin a crime on Joe Biden's son meanwhile yesterday her son was arrested and is facing 22 charges stemming from a string of vehicle trespass and property thefts he is also being charged with attempted growing of a mustache and we wish him well the other big news out of Washington today was from Mitch McConnell who made a surprise announcement after an unprecedented 17 years as the top Republican in the Senate he's hanging it up one of life's most underappreciated talents is to know when it's time to move on to Life's next chapter and then he died right on the spot yeah he just melted G he's fine he's fine he he will be retiring to the Galapagos Islands to spend more time with the other 500y old Turtles meanwhile and um this is interesting there's a lot of court stuff happening with Trump an appeals court judge yesterday uh today rather ordered that Trump must pay the full $450 million judgment against him in his fraud case of the so Trump he offered a bond for a 100 million judge was like there's no negotiating this you imagine trying to make a deal after the verdict 20 years I tell you what judge I'll do five and I'll volunteer every other Tuesday what do you say there's some hot gossip about Melania Trump during her time in the White House remember that jacket she wore said I really don't care do you according new book that was a shot at Ivanka with whom she was competing for press attention there are a number of fresh revelations in this book The book's called American woman the transformation of the modern first lady it says Melania used her office at the White House so rarely she had it converted into a gift wrapping room and spent the majority of her time as first lady in meetings with teams of lawyers to examine her assets and tend to matters associated with her pre and postnuptial agreements with her husband that sounds right listen she probably just wanted to make sure she didn't get stuck with Eric in a divorce the book um the book there's some good stuff it says Trump flew into a fury when he caught Melania watching CNN on air force one she liked to watch CNN so he ordered that all TVs be tuned to Fox News at all times I like that you know for all the corruption and the bigotry and the bragging and the tough Talk At Heart he's still a petty little you know really like Melania watching CNN is basically her version of cheating on Trump with a porn star like but I have to say I know every couple does I'm surprised to hear they fight I mean these two love birds come on they can't keep their hands on each other Milan made have some new competition in the first lady Department from her step-daughter-in-law larara la Trump has entered the race for chair of the Republican National Committee she said she's proud to have the endorsement of my father-in-law and 45th president Donald J Trump which is she yeah even Eric doesn't have his endorsement that's just Lara is like the daughter uh Donald Trump never had sit on his lap as a teenager and the whole family is working on uh operation keep daddy out of prison right now Donnie Jr took to Twitter to unveil his plan for how to give his dad a boost at the voting booths he said in 2024 we need an all of the above voter strategy that means voter registration at gun shows concerts UFC fights and even an Amish Country which as crazy as it sounds I looked it up turns out a lot of Amish people love Donald Trump which I guess makes sense I mean for first of all they never seen him on TV so um number two they both spend an inordinate amount of time talking about windmills and number three both their heads are covered in strong but wouldn't you love to see Trump doing a rally for the Amish out there at a barn raising or something he comes on stage dancing a macho man being played on a fiddle you know we don't like electricity do we folks no a merch table covered with Maga quilts it would be really something wonderful hey this is something the Amish might be happy to know about after nearly a decade of working at Secret Apple has reportedly discontinued their their efforts to develop an electric car Apple started working on an electric car back in 2014 but they had trouble figuring out how to make people have to buy a new one every year so they gave it up and while it's unfortunate that we'll probably never get to see what they're working on my sources tell me that the Apple car well would have looked something like this my source is a 5-year-old boy in Scotland over the weekend children and parents were shedding tears of disappoint over a Wily Wonka themed event that turned out to be very wonky it was marketed as a Willy Wonka experience that was a quote a place where chocolate dreams become reality they would charge everyone $45 a ticket to walk through this is from the website Enchanted Garden an imagination lab uh Twilight tunnel but when people showed up they found something very different from what they found on the website what they found is basically a big empty Warehouse with um vinyl backdrops tacked to the wall yeah you got to see Willy Wonka's famous portable power generator and they got to meet what appears to be uh meth lab Oompa Loompa I don't know but they build this as being full of optical Marvels but you can see the Optics uh some one of the customer shot video were fell a bit short of marvelous they uh I don't know is it possible they forgot to hand out the special glasses that make everything look amazing I don't know seems like slugworth struck again but parents were very upset they called the police on the place I have to say though honestly I feel like the kids learned an important lesson about how disappointing the rest of their lives are going to be so speaking of major Motion Picture events a week from this Sunday at 700 p.m. Eastern 4 Pacific March 10th I will be hosting the Oscars here on ABC right across the street at the Dolby Theater It's the Most Wonderful Time To Be Alive here in Tinsel Town and we wanted to get our neighborhood in the Academy Award spirit so we sent our roing reporter out of the street for a brand new 96th Oscar edition of breaking the [Music] news breaking the news Awards Edition the scaffolding is up and soon this entire area will be filled with the glamorous and Beautiful People for now nothing but the sad wretched normals I need you guys to clear on out of here thank you tonight it's Oscars and everybody wants to know who you're wearing for this Glendale man it's his neighbor Gus whose skin he meticulously cut off to turn into this shirt and this everybody loves poor things the story of a baby whose brain is taken out and put into the mother who becomes a a French prostitute not you her oh baby why the movies you didn't see say the most about you what' you think of the color purple uh brilliant brilliant movie what' you like about it uh to be honest I haven't seen it called it Caucasians red carpet hits and misses don't roll on that that's for George pinio and Sydney Sweeney car B it's award season which means it's time for everybody's favorite prank the Hollywood hot dog the staple right here the staple of the Governor's Ball since 1946 go ahead grab that for me it's an uncooked hot dog pickle sardines on Ry with a healthy dollop of tartar sauce F to that and say it's an award wienner what do you think it's an award wienner dropped the Sardine go ahead that's fine going take a big bite really get that sardine in there going to let do lunch as we celebrate the best of the best we also honor those who are terrible on camera oh sorry I am terrible with C tune in tonight for my exclusive interview with all all the stars Mr Tony Bennett right-wing extremist John Boy the late great Ed Asner Annette Benning Snoop Dog DG snoop snoop what this a movie or something Paul Giamatti Stanley Tucci Neil Diamond Ted lasso haven't seen it Nick NTI best song nominee Diane Warren Chucky Timothy sham Yeah Pitbull hey um great to be here I'm very happy no one wants to hear you talk pipe down Pitbull tonight we celebrate the stars but are the real stars the people who go to see these movies I think so nope they're not not even a little bit snubbed hi guys we're talking Oscars everybody loves Oppenheimer yay yay let's meet the real star of Oppenheimer okay uranium everyone grab one of these go ahead and grab one of those it's amazing how something this little can make a bomb so big everyone lift up your uranium and say Oppenheimer Oppenheimer oh I lost another [Music] to you're all invited to the Governor's Ball

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,843,531

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Primary Election, Michigan, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Republican, Democrats, Nikki Haley, Uncommitted, Voting, 2024 election, Annual Check Up, POTUS, Lauren Boebert, Mitch Mcconnell, Fraud Case, Melania, Don Jr, Apple, Electric Car, Willy Wonka, Breaking the News, Oscars

Id: o5Y1VUMxvW8

Length: 14min 17sec (857 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 29 2024