Trevor Noah ON: For People Who FEEL LOST In Life, WATCH THIS To Find Yourself | Jay Shetty

we are so attached to the idea of who we are you know whether it's designed by what our parents always said about us but sometimes I find I I would get so attached to that that then I would be afraid to let go because I don't want to lose me I don't want to lose me and me I know me if I want to lose me do I still love me the best-selling author and host the number one Health and Wellness podcast on purpose with Jay Shetty hey everyone welcome back to on purpose the number one Health podcast in the world thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen learn and grow now you know that one of my favorite ways to learn is by learning people's stories by diving into their hearts their minds their their souls if they're willing to share that and try and understand what we can learn what we can hear what we don't understand maybe there's a part of their Journey that we didn't know enough about and I found stories become a huge compass for me in my life and that's why I try and share those with you here and today's guest is someone that I've actually wanted to talk to for a long long time I would say I've been probably trying to book this podcast for like two years in the making so I'm very very excited this evening and just so you know he's had a crazy busy day it is officially 7 45 p.m on a Monday night when we're recording this in New York City I'm talking about the one and only someone who needs no introduction Trevor Noah Trevor thank you so much for doing this thank you very much I'm very grateful to have you in the in the seat finally it's good I'm grateful to be talking to you in person most of the time I see you I'm watching a clip of yours online so this is nice no I really appreciate this and my interview with you that we did when I was out talking about calm was my favorite interview from that whole experience because I felt that the questions you asked me were the most reflective they were pushing me they were challenging me in a healthy way and I was just like oh well you know I want to sit down more and have more of those conversations with you so anyway but I want to start with you but you know your book born a crime is a brilliant brilliant book and I don't want to go through the whole book I'd love for people to read it if they haven't but I guess what I'm fascinated by is human experiences when we were children or early on in our lives that shaped us today and I know you've reflected on that a lot but now when you reflect on it today what are some of the examples of human experiences that you had that you think shaped who you are today what was one of the earliest memories maybe my mom is a Bible scholar and she reads the Bible every day not all of it but she she moves through it every single day what I found fascinating is that she's been reading the same book for decades now and every day she'll send me an email or a message about a scripture and how it pertains to her life as she sees it now in this moment how it has been and how she thinks it will be and what I found particularly fascinating about that is the fact that it's the same book and yet it keeps meaning so many different things to her the same story but it keeps meaning too many different things and I sometimes think about my life in that way is depending on where I am depending on the moments depending on where I've been and where I'm going the same experience reveals a different part of me the same experience reveals why I am who I am or why I'm doing what I'm doing or why I even have an idea of who I am or why I am and so recently maybe since you know you're asking me what is one of these things what is something I think back to how not having shaped how I see the world shaped how I move in the world you know not having food sometimes not having money sometimes not even having luxury items sometimes you know whether it be clothing or cause whatever it may be but but recently I've found myself going man so much of how you define yourself is through the lens of having or not having particularly because of how you grew up and so it's not about having or not having now but it's in the small things you know it's like how I order food or why I order the food that I do in the way that I do is partially because of having or not having and so I would say that's maybe one of the biggest experiences that I find has um yeah has recently you know just shining a light on on how I grew up yeah that's fascinating I I've often reflected on something similar and I've called it gifts or gaps the having or not having interesting so certain gifts that I had growing up I could hand it to me by my parents or by my family oh wow okay right and then one of the gaps well there were gaps like there were things that you didn't have so whether that would be uh a present parent or a uh I didn't have the latest Nike sneakers or Nike shoes as we would call it in London yeah exactly like yeah you sound like an idiot yeah exactly Adidas yes as I said Adidas no Adidas uh and and so those kind of gaps and obviously those are very crude examples but and and do you find yourself editing those now like do you find yourself saying okay I didn't have this and therefore I have this Behavior I did have this and therefore I have this Behavior do you feel like your behavior today wants an upgrade because of your new lifestyle or a downgrade or you kind of think no I'm happy living with the same beliefs and values and systems that I had from back then all I'm constantly trying to do is acknowledge them I try my best to eliminate good or bad I really do and the reason I do that is not because you know I exist in a in a spiritual World although I think we all do but not because of that I think of it more because I realize everything and everyone is going to have a good or bad you know so I have yet to meet a person who doesn't think some parts of their childhood were tough yes but now it's when we compare the toughness that that people then say Oh actually I didn't have a tough you had a tough and and you know like people say to me oh man you grew up so poor in South Africa and you know growing up in the township and whatever and I would say to them I didn't feel like this because I would see for instance the slums in India I go like man yo that and and maybe I was lucky funny enough because in South Africa we had news that was was Global and because it was it was so um I think it was so broad I had an awareness so I didn't think what I was living through was the worst possible thing yes but now relative to how many other people live they put me down at the bottom of a list yes yes yes and yeah and so I I often don't think of it as good or bad I I just try and go oh that happened that didn't happen because of that I adapted accordingly you know so you know there's there's a lot of rainfall so then this plant will start growing in that way there isn't as much rainfall the plant will grow another way is it good or is it bad that's oftentimes something that's subjective because of who runs the world or who tells us how the world should be or isn't or you you get what I'm saying yeah no and and I love that you've simplified it as awareness because that awareness or acknowledgment and try it of keeping it that way is often quite sacred to be able to say no I'm just observing I'm just seeing yeah yeah it's hard and you reminded me I was I was nine years old when I first visited India I was born and raised in London but my my mom I was actually was born and raised in Yemen and my father was born and raised in India but my parents are in what part of India uh my father was from Mangalore okay which is like Southern India okay my mother is from Gujarat which is Northern India right but she was born and raised in Yemen so she moved to London when she was 16. but when I went to India for the first time when I was nine years old I remember we were in a car and we were not well off so we weren't staying in a fancy hotel or whatever but we had enough money to visit which is significant for the air flight and I remember going in this car and you just bought this and I remember like stopping at a traffic light and just looking out and I saw these slums and I mean I'd never seen something like that in London and I saw these little legs poking out of like a barrel of a trash can and and I was just and the legs look little like of someone my age like around and then slowly I saw the whole her whole body come out and it was this girl and she didn't have any hands and she'd just been like trying to scrape the body and I remember being nine years old and she was probably like maybe the same age maybe a little less like and I remember just looking at her and feeling like totally helpless because I was in the car on the other side of the highway and I can't go and help her I want to but I also don't know what help means as a nine-year-old and it was one of those experiences that you know and then I went back I remember to my hotel and I remember hearing like someone was arguing about not enough menu options on the buffet and it was just it was as a night it was like connecting the dots as you're saying of like you know when you see your experience and then you see someone else's experience have you found that what you did go through that you ever needed to process it or heal it or because you had that perspective since day one that that you never needed that that it was just like no this is my experience and I'm used to it or whatever were there moments of where you had to revisit and I work on healing every day you know I grew up in a world where we almost didn't have the time nor the resources to heal and I think for a long time I was very comfortable in accepting that as just being my world all that happened all right you know I shrug it off and you keep on moving wow yeah you shruggled off that happen that happened to you you know domestic abuse okay poverty whatever it may be violence in the community or at home whatever yeah that happens you keep it moving you shrug it off because it is happening and funny enough you can grow up and I knew I grew up in a world where I created this narrative in my head that it was not bad because it was happening to everyone wow and so yeah now most of my life you know is spent acknowledging that it was bad and then spending a lot of time acknowledging how the bad created coping mechanisms or tools that I then use in my life every single day and how I can accept those parts of myself whilst also not glorifying the things that happened which is sometimes I I fight with a lot of people when they do this I I fight with all my friends by the way I have friends from back home anyone yeah anyone from Friends With Friends back I fight with anyone Jay anyone I'm never grateful for suffering I'm never grateful for pain I'm never I'm not grateful for those things what I work to be grateful for is the resiliency that makes us in my family and our ability to adapt but I'm not going to be grateful for a horrible thing that happened to me or the people in my life yes because we learned how to deal with it yeah you know I would like to live in a world where my child doesn't have to develop that tool yeah let them let their tool be I had to figure out uh you know how to feel good about myself when I couldn't get as many Tick Tock followers as I wanted let that fine let that be their too but I I I I I and I understand the you know the esoteric idea I understand what people are saying sometimes but I I'm I'm almost allergic to it because I think sometimes what it does is it justifies what people are going through or it justifies the idea that we we don't need to do more or people aren't going through something bad because it creates the best it makes diamonds it makes it can create diamonds and I'm like yeah but what it can also do is pulverize a lot of people into dust yeah you know and so diamonds are the exception I I'm often careful to think about you know yeah I'm sure I'm sure you understand what I mean yeah I mean hearing you actually what I find is that it at least what I took away from that is that it's the same thought it's just a deeper level of the same thought like it's with more clarity like it's like I think sometimes we hear that idea of be grateful for everything or be grateful for the suffering and if you don't really think that through you can try and artificially put that Band-Aid maybe that's yeah yeah and you just kind of try and like oh yeah put the Band-Aid on and put the Band-Aid on a gratitude gratitude but it's like when you internalize then you process it that's when you can what you're doing which is like clearly sectioning it off and saying I'm not grateful for the act of violence or I'm not grateful for the suffering as you said but I can be grateful for the quality that resilience Etc that helped me push through but I think that's to me that's just a deeper more refined thought out of practicing gratitude almost do you think like I've always I've always wanted to know as a like you know as a monk are you forced to just be grateful for everything regardless of of what it is no I I think what you're saying is far more aligned with what I would think like okay as in I think that there's two parts right one is what the philosophy tries to share or state and then it's what you learn in the practice of that philosophy so if you try and be grateful like I just had uh this this literally just happened hence I'm talking about it I just had a double inguinal hernia surgery uh which means that both my hernias which are on either side of my groin had to have incisions in my stomach and then mesh pretty yeah it's not life-threatening but it's massively inconvenient and I was I didn't work for three weeks this is my first week back at work and I'm feeling the funniest is when you you try and um you you have like a sneeze or a cough the first time have you had this yeah it happens and the first time you don't realize how painful it would be and now your body doesn't allow you to cough or sneeze or but it's amazing it's almost funny to what we're talking about this is what I mean right it is amazing how quickly your body responds to trauma or pain yes it's amazing at how quickly it works to protect you from it because if I said to you don't sneeze or don't cough for three weeks it's impossible yeah but one cough and one sneeze when you've had your hernia or any surgery that's abdominal your body goes I never want to experience that again never and then you don't you know exactly I know exactly what you mean for the first I was scared that I was going to pop my head here yes yes exactly it's the fear yeah there you go yeah and so I'm walking around with a pillow like halfway through the day my wife's like what are you doing I'm like I might cough and she's laughing at me I'm like you can't make me laugh either like I was like I couldn't watch Comedy for three weeks yeah because you can't laugh it hurts so much but the reason I brought that up was like am I grateful I got a hernia no like why would I be grateful that I've been working out I eat healthy I'm like you know I'm very I'm a mindful individual but I ended up with this from whatever from working out everything I'm not grateful for the hernia but I'm grateful for the journey I chose to take during the experience that is help me have new appreciations and so I I think the point of at least I mean going to what you suggested like how would a monk think about gratitude dude I don't think any quality or value was embodied by force or by prescription without okay reflection okay if that makes sense yeah that does make sense anything without reflection is practically okay yeah not the right way right but it makes sense no I I like that I really do fight with a lot of people about this and no and I you know I obviously when I say fights I mean that's how we use it in South Africa funny enough in India as well I'm sure you know this yeah when I was in India I went recently and what I loved is how people argue about everything and like one of the guys who was there's a friend of mine now and you know we're arguing back and forth we're arguing and then like his friend steps in and he's like Trevor he's like I'm so sorry Trevor please whip I apologize you know he's not fighting with you that's how we do it in India and I'm like oh I was like this is it I get it I want to live in this country yeah yeah let's let's get into it but this is what I I argue with people about sometimes where I say yeah I don't have to be grateful for it yes because I often say and maybe I'm Maybe I'm Wrong here so I see it I have found for myself and maybe for others at times we are so attached to the idea of who we are the story that we've told ourselves the story that we continue to tell ourselves who we are who we wish to be who we should be you know whether it's designed by what our parents always said about us you're such a quiet child you're such a lovely person you're so kind you're so polite and you go that I am I should be then I you know whatever it may be but sometimes I find I I would get so attached to that that then I would be afraid to let go of the things that may be holding me back because I don't want to lose me because who is me if I don't have the pain who is me if I don't have the trauma who is me if I don't have the the mistrust I don't want to lose me I'm me I know me what if I'm not me I love me and if I want to lose me do I still love me and it that's what I find that yeah so what I found helps me you know and I'll say to some of my friends as I go I do not need to live my life believing that I would not be me or I do not love me if I wish for these things to not happen but I rather go I would have learned something else so I learned a different part of my body I learned how to work through pain I learned how to move differently because of a hernia fine yeah I'm grateful that I can learn yeah I'm grateful that I can recover I'm grateful that maybe I even learned how to rest a little bit yes take some time slow down yeah slow down Jay but I also sit with it and go but if I didn't have that hernia if I didn't have that trauma as a child I would have had the opportunity to learn something else yes so maybe my tool wouldn't have been used on this it would have been used on something else and that doesn't diminish me or or who I think I am it just allows me to almost exist infinitely and go well then I can try to be whatever me exists uh you know and you it's like skin it's like hey it's like we're always losing us is what I think yeah yeah I mean the cells in our bodies are changing all the time yeah I'm always trying that and it's scary that's yeah it's scary because I think humans look for certainty as safety yeah and security and stability but I was going to ask you that like what you started to touch on there which which I'm which I love is like identity belonging and these are things that you talk about so much in your past as well and what you're basically saying is that well if we're open to our identity changing and we're open to our home changing I mean do you still feel attached to a sense of home like what is home to you today like how would you how do you think about the word home for me the true definition of the word home is familiar of the family it's a repeated interaction that's all home is to me you know the reason you call it my home is because you go back to it every single day if somebody flipped all the furniture and the house every day you find you wouldn't you'd say it doesn't feel like home yeah but it is your home yes you know I think it's your house yeah exactly yeah my friends are my home the languages you know I speak on my home the food I eat in South Africa is my home but my home starts to grow it starts to change you know I I said this to a friend of mine when I got back from India I said man it felt like home and he was like what are you India I said it's crazy but it felt like home wow you know there were parts of Delhi where I was like this feels like home wow you know the parts of Bangalore Bengaluru where it's like this feels like home do you know what I mean it's like yeah and people like what how can it feel like home it's like well maybe because part of it is reminiscent you know it reminds me of South Africa we have an Indian population it's huge one of the biggest in the world we we have Indian culture but also it's just it's it feels familiar it feels like home and so for me that's that's what home means is is a sense of the familiar you know you can even experience randomly if you travel a lot in a hotel that you always frequent It Feels Like Home yeah so that's what you know that's what home means for me yeah it's that you know and you feel like in New York too and you're here you find that you have that because of that familiarity yeah you feel like I've always see you and always it seems to me like you're always home I don't know why that's that's a nice thing for you to say genuinely it always seems like I never feel like you you're uncomfortable I never feel like you but I don't know if that's just what you put out no I I I I would it's I was going to Define it now it's contextually sharing now but I my definition of home have has always been where I feel I'm living my purpose oh so that's always been my purpose so and I genuinely feel like that where I could wake up and be in another city or another country or another seat and as long as this is my like I feel this I'm doing my purpose tonight with you and that's why I'm here help me understand so how would you because I I can try to understand but what would you say you feel your purpose is so my purpose is to help other people find their purpose okay and to me my purpose is to be a vessel of being able to expose people to a number of different ideas insights paths stories walks of life so that they can find theirs I don't think everyone's purpose looks like mine I don't think everyone's path looks like mine because I think one of the best things I got when I was a kid and again it goes back to my childhood experiences my dad was really worried that I didn't read enough and I would never be interested in Reading fiction books at school so we'd get the fiction books like Goosebumps and then later on Harry Potter and all these books and I would never read them and I wouldn't have any interest in them so my dad was worried my mom were worried that this kid's not going to read and now I was about 13 Going on 14 and I still wasn't reading a lot and so my dad started giving me biographies and autobiographies and so I read like by the time I was 16 I'd read Malcolm X uh Martin Luther King wow I was also reading like David Beckham and Dwayne Johnson because I was a massive soccer football fan and so I started just like collecting all these stories and then as I told you when I sat on your show like I met a monk when I was 18 and that was the story that my purpose felt connected to got it and so now I feel I'm like well someone's going to listen to Trevor's story and feel far more connected interesting and that may spark this kid out there to say hey maybe that's the kind of Direction I want to go in I feel like today we're we're exposed to this same people online and on TV and streaming and we're also exposed to the same parts of them that's true and my hope is that this podcast even if you're seeing someone who's famous and popular like yourself hopefully people get a deeper insight into someone famous and popular or they get to meet someone random who's not famous and popular but it's interesting so anyway that's that's my purpose wow so I feel like if I'm doing that in a city in a country I'm home and it's because uh one of the famous scholars in YouTube are your mother being a scriptural scholar and like such an Avid Reader I never met this scholar but my monk teachers would often quote him and he said that the only place higher than like the spiritual realm uh and it would be poetry but also you know literal as well that the only place higher than being in heaven or the spiritual realm is a place you live your purpose and that idea always like connected with me because then I was like oh so I could be in the middle of chaos but still feel at home right and so it gives me a sense of comfort and you know that's what keeps me going when the day is tough when things are going whatever they are it's it's something that comforts me and it works for me that's a really great purpose to have because I mean there's always people to help there are always Journeys waiting to be embarked upon that's yeah yeah and and there's no yeah and and it's and it's free but with you I see the one thing the thread that I've heard in you which I really appreciated is like literally three times you've responded you've said my friends my friends I was talking to my friend like this person talks a lot to their friends yeah which which is really beautiful because you're thinking wow that you're a busy person you're back to back I mean I remember I was in I think we were both speaking at the Sharjah Book Festival you landed one night I messaged you and I said Trevor let's do breakfast you're like dude I leave I was gone I was there for eight hours you were there for like six or four yeah and I was like I thought I was there for not enough like I was there for eight hours and you were like dude I'm literally leaving tonight and so you're a busy person but in this conversation so many times you said friends friends friends friends like uh yeah like how hey who are the friends what are you talking to them about like what's your consistency I'm fascinated by that because so who are the friends predominantly my friends are from South Africa um friends I met doing different things all all organic meetings which um I'm a sucker for I'm terrible at making friends partially because I I don't trust people easily I exist in a world where I can be friendly with many people but you know it takes me a while to accept that this person is actually a part of my life right and I think for a long time it was because and still is sometimes because a I have an idea of putting something on that person where I may need them means that they may disappoint me and then on the other side of it them needing me means I could be in the position to disappoint them you know and and and so as we learn people I find we learn what they can and cannot do we learn who they are or not and it's always situational for me you know that's that's when I'll call you like a friend is that I know how you are in most situations yeah it's a good definition you know that that for me is the definition of a friend so you know I can be we use it Loosely obviously but you know I can be friends with you and we always meet for lunch and always me for but but then I only know you in in one way my friends I start to be able to I almost almost store in a vault in my mind I can say for a fact if we're friends if Jay was here this would bother him he would like that he would probably say this and that's why he would act this way yeah and that's you know that's that's how I think of my friends yeah so they've been a a major part of making me feel at home you know my my job stand-up comedy is a really lonely career you know and I remember talking to a comedian it was a few weeks ago and talking about how there was like a period where a lot of stand-up comedians were committing suicide you know and would be you'd hear this devastating story of a comedian that everyone loved they were in a hotel room and then they committed suicide and I was petrified because I I always think it can happen to me you know I I go that if that happened to them why did it happen if I don't understand then what is it another comedian another comedian another comedian another comedian I think being a stand-up comedian is a really lonely job in that we're traveling oftentimes alone we don't have a band we don't have backup dancers we don't we don't we don't travel can you imagine and yet every night you're going out there and you're making people laugh you're having fun with them they come with their families they come with their friends they come with their loved ones you leave alone and and it's this constant exchange of energy and what I learned was my my friends became that Hub my friends became my recharge my friends became the couch I could lie on and say nothing or everything yeah and thanks partly to technology I've been able to keep in touch with them there's no there's no catching up for us it's literally a running we've got a WhatsApp thread that is now I'm gonna say 15 years old yeah like literally I can go back and search something from maybe 10 years ago sometimes I can go back on the WhatsApp there and go what happened and I can search and I can find it that's how long we've had the same group and the same friends and the same everything and obviously it's grown over time but that core has kept me you know I always think did you end up reading Harry Potter I didn't ever read it I've watched all the movies yeah oh you watched it okay yeah it was still moves I know I'm a big fan actually okay okay so I feel like your friends in life are your horcruxes oh interesting okay you know yeah I think as people what we do is we break ourselves into pots and whenever we meet people we give them a part of ourselves and some people we give more than we give others but we give everyone a different part of ourselves no one in your life has the same path that another person has they may seem similar but they're not your mother and father hold different parts of you your uncles your cousins your brothers sisters your friends whoever it is it will hold the different parts of you and the same way Voldemort could use that to come back to life I feel like we can use that wow to come back to life Wow you know what I mean yeah you watched a different movie yeah and so I always think that as I I man sometimes I can be at my worst I can be sometimes I can be lost yeah really Jay there'll be times when I'll be like what am I doing or where am I I'm stressed I'm tired I'm burnt out I I feel lost and I can call a friend and no joke they can say to me well the Trevor I know you know and I love that they say that they don't say this is who you are or not they go the Trevor I know found his Joy here yeah hey you know I've noticed that you're always happiest when you do it this way yeah hey I've noticed that you know you stress more when you're in this position hey can I go man I I didn't know that about myself well I didn't hold myself that way because I'm always experiencing All of Me still Through My Lens but thank you you freed me you encouraged me you held me um you loved me and what what then happens is I start to find what I need to get back to my purpose to my passion to whatever drives me and and that's why my friends are big parts of that that is that is the core of my world yeah you know and and it's funny my mom even used to say that to me when I was growing up you know it's at a certain age she said to me she'd say to me my friend you know I want to be like I'm not your friend you're my mom and my mom would say just because I'm your mom doesn't mean I'm your friend she said there are many mothers out there that aren't friends with their child yeah and she said I'm your mother and I will always love you as your mother but you are becoming my friend wow and that stuck with me I realized that friendship is a choice every other relation we have isn't and so even your your relatives can become your friends or may not be your friends and I think understanding that illuminates a lot of how you interact with people in the world yeah I I really resonate with what I mean everything you said but one of the things that stood out was that kind of performance loneliness um my work mainly starts with coaching and working with people and I and I work with a lot of musicians and people who tour and travel not comedians but but artists and you know they're performing to like 100 000 people like 80 000 people and then they would always talk to me about this and I didn't I didn't really have a empathetic experience of it I I could understand it theoretically yeah and then because most of the events I used to speak out were like corporate events or like a business event or things like that and then a few years ago when I did my first ever event with my audience and it was in LA people who came because they followed my work not because of anything else it was only about 2 000 people in the audience and I finished the event and I got into the car and it hit me and I was like oh like this is chemical this is definitely a chemical because you've just had yeah thousands of people shouting your name and like loving everything you say and all this validation and everything else as what you were saying when you were coming like the dopamine the everything yes and then all of a sudden I was like well wait a minute this feels weird like why do I feel like you know a sense of loneliness and it was really interesting because I felt like that pretty much the whole and I felt like calling someone yes and I couldn't because in London it was too early none of my friends would be awake and so they're eight hours ahead because I'm in LA and I'm going I'll go wait another hour for my friend to wake up two hours I'm not gonna wake him up in the middle of the night so I'm waiting there and then all my friends in La were just at the event so I just saw them and so they were probably like going home and it was a week night and so maybe the end I'm like I don't wanna and then I get home and my wife had organized this surprise party for me with all my best friends my closest friends in L.A wow and it was like a relief it wasn't even a celebration I was like there's a sense of relief I was like oh thank God because I don't know what I don't know what I would have done tonight man like you know I understand why people turn to drugs I understand why people tend to I I understood like it was the first time I was like because you yeah yeah you need to numb it yeah you need to numb it because you just don't know what to do with that feeling and that was the first time I'd felt that way and I can't imagine as you're saying for someone who's on tour and traveling every night am I drunk as I said you my drug was chocolate oh I love chocolate too that was like my I couldn't it's like my team knew my people knew it's like I'll do the show and immediately and you probably relate to this more because you know coming from the UK in America they don't really do it in South Africa our petrol stations our gas stations right they have amazing stores attached to them like here every gas station looks like it's already been robbed you don't want to pour gas I don't like it it looks terrible they all look abandoned yes yeah yeah they all look like a ghost town yeah yeah where's where we're from it's like oh you go and you buy a pie you buy some you buy a few drinks it's like cooked exactly it's like oh this is live you can get some groceries although it's a very normal concept and that would be me after every show I would drive there would be the silence I couldn't listen to music I couldn't my mind would just be it's like I could hear everybody but they were gone and then I would go in and then I would buy chocolate would be my thing it it immediately and then I I you know over the years I would read and I'd started learning that like you know chocolate the dopamine the sugar all of these things I was I was correcting a chemical thing without realizing it correct because it is a it is a shock on your body yeah everyone nothing yeah it's it's so fascinating that that experience and and I'm sure people have that in different ways in their life like you don't have to be a performer for thousands of people experience that I think people experience that in lots of different ways it's beautiful that you've been able to continue this 10 year WhatsApp chat like that's you know that's like a brilliant achievement how did you do in such a way that when you became unrelatable to people like how is that affected your friendships your life your relationships because at one point I'm guessing you know when when you come to America you crush on The Daily Show things are going great you know times 100 most influential people like crushing took some time but yeah okay no no of course no no no no it took it I mean it took it it was like it actually goes into your out it goes into your questions and I just think that there's an interesting thing about being so grounded and like I've I'm enjoying this conversation it's fun we're like just having a real conversation but at the same time to a lot of people externally you can start becoming more unrelatable so what's interesting is the reason I the reason I put it in the reason I say the crushing wasn't instant um when you're on a journey people oftentimes will remember the beginning of the journey and they will Define the journey by the way it currently is or how it ended you know you lived a good life because of how your life ended if somebody is you know really poor for 80 years then they win the lottery at 80 and then they buy their family stuff and they have a good people like man it was tough buddy we had a good life yeah I was like wow did they though yeah did they though it's more like oh we remember we that that ending is is what we often remember and to your point of of relatable my journey was really interesting particularly in America because for many months maybe even a year and a bit I was hated you know by many people don't get me wrong there are many people who love me but it was such a visceral understandable visceral response to me as a concept who are you how dare you you're on the show right away you know and you're trying to establish imagine trying to meet people for the first time but they have an idea of you and they've already decided what the interview is oh gosh yeah and so you you you can't even relate or make yourself relatable to them and then overnight all of a sudden people go are you crushing it it's a it's a really weird space to be in because it's it's terrible and then it's not but your brain doesn't shift that quickly I remember learning once that the human brain and and the human body aren't necessarily always on the same page if you're running from danger if there's if there's a threat and you run from the danger even when the danger subsides your body's still in the danger and yeah I think I think they talk about something similar in the book the body keeps the score but yeah great book your body's still there and your mind goes huh all right oh okay I'm done your body's like whoa heart pumping you know veins throbbing everything is still happening and and you know that was part of my experience but what was interesting was to your points of relatable I didn't even have a moment to exist in relatable it was stranger you know don't like different weird why do you say words the way you do you know what is aluminum all these things coming together and then oh yeah our guy you know which I'm grateful for eternally grateful for I always tell my my people everyone I go yo do not forget do not forget how hard this was do not forget you do not take it for granted but what happens is it's not that you don't become relatable or you aren't relatable it's it's it's how people relate to you they have one idea of of who you are they have one idea of of how you are and it's understandable because of how they interact with you you know I I have two younger brothers both in my opinion far wiser than I'll ever be I always I always you know I'll cuss them out and say you guys you guys cheated because you you like took what I did and then you just like you leapfrogged me yeah you know and and my youngest brother said one of the most beautiful things one day we were trying to have dinner as a family and we're taking a quiet moment and you know someone came over to the table and they're like hey can I get a selfie and this is happening in the dinner and you know and and someone who was with us said oh man that must get annoying and I was like well I get it and I said I just don't understand the familiarity and the I I don't understand it truly and my brother said one of the most interesting things he said no what you're not understanding is a disconnect in your relationship in the relatability he said you've met them and they've talked to you and you've had a conversation with them and so they've built up a relationship with you but they don't understand that you haven't been building up the same relationship with them and so they he said they're reacting to you as naturally as they would had you been conversating with them constantly yeah and so he said if anything they're acting normally you're acting weird because they go hey Trevor and you're like who the hell are you and they're like what do you mean we've been friends for seven years I watch you on TV every day yeah and just through that lens he helped me understand that it's it's that they were misrelating yes and that's sometimes what happens to us I think as people is we're misrelating yes we have an idea of the thing that isn't incorrect from our point of view yes but is incorrect from the other person's points of view and so that's what creates the conflict wow that's what creates the the disconnect and that's what creates the loneliness that's what creates the isolation that's what creates the you know yeah it it creates an environment that doesn't lend itself to familiarity to trust to relaxation I think that's where it becomes even more important yeah to find your grounding to find your space to find you like my friends know me in the group I'm notorious as the vacation guy I'm the holiday guy really I'm like where are we going what are we doing we're making this happen I shoot out a list and everything because I don't live back home yes they all do so I've learned they can take for granted the fact that we'll see each other and they might go like oh did we plan anything for December oh we didn't oh well we'll we'll do no I can't take that for granted yes and so they know I go every year I'm like guys what are we doing and what are we doing here three times a year we have to be in the same place it's amazing and doesn't mean we're going somewhere fancy no we might just find a place a house and we sit together and that's what it's going to be but I make it happen because of that relatability because that is where I can exist they can exist I can exist they can exist you know because sometimes what's funny is it can go the other way for me sometimes I will completely be myself with people and they won't know what to do with it because they only have one idea of me yeah yeah you know yeah so they'll meet me and Trevor hey how are you hey hey buddy cable if I say something back and they go hey wait what was that I'm like oh this is all of me yeah they don't have a reference plan yeah and I get that and so I yeah it's it's really interesting when you exist in a one-dimensional space in terms of you know you know I guess it would be unidirectional just like you know it's just going in that one direction as opposed to it coming back and going you know yeah definitely that's such a great answer I'm one of those people that like generally if I get enough time to meet someone or if I know someone's going to be in my life for an extended period of time I I hire a new person on my team or something like that I try and show them all of me very quickly I'm not one of those people they're like okay I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna be as jokey as I usually am I'm gonna expose you to how I talk to my wife like interesting and I do that not as a no is it I definitely do it as a conscious yeah it's not like it happens it's a conscious attempt at trying to figure out whether this person actually wants to be around me like interesting because I'd rather quickly figure out whether I feel chemistry with someone yes as opposed to weight to reveal my full self for them to what you said to then let them down and then they're like oh Georgie I didn't know you were like this and so I I usually warn people I'm like hey I make a lot more jokes in person than I do on on Instagram and so if I'm like and I banter a lot because of Britain yes of course right me and my wife will banter a lot so most people think me and my wife are gonna get divorced every other day because it is like the way we talk to each other because we're both from England I I want people to be exposed to that not because I I want them to appreciate you I like it I just want to know quickly whether whether you vibrate okay but but aren't you ever concerned going the other way because you may go this is me this is all of me yeah now depending on your position in life the person may be a certain way to you sure based on that sure because they feel they can't and then they reveal themselves then what do you do when they reveal themselves in a positive or like a challenge challenging way in a challenging way then well that's where I'm saying that it's people that I I think are gonna be in my life for a longer period of time and then if it's a if it's a team member where we don't get along then we can both move on and go our separate ways I wouldn't do it with someone that I I'm not getting enough quality time how does a monk fire someone how do the monk fires well I'm not a monk anymore I'd love to know how does a monk fight like you said oh God it is you know what the thing about it is so uncomfortable oh it is it is okay I thought maybe as a monk it was like super chill and you just come in and you go in life everything is happening to you you know everything that seems bad could be good and so do not think of this as me letting you go but rather think of this as me setting you free yeah I thought maybe it would be something surrender then you have to end it no that would be brilliant but so it is uncomfortable oh it's so uncut as in I've also been let go so I know what it feels like like I've been in a position where I think I've been let go poorly where it hasn't been handled well and I'm very clear on how like having one skill set doesn't just naturally apply to everyone I being a monk doesn't make me go to recruiting people or letting go of people those are not transferable skills there's certain elements of compassion and empathy okay but it doesn't make you good enough that it will cover everything and it doesn't it doesn't right like I I think for to give you a very practical example I felt for a lot of a long time that people needed love like I I felt for a long time that I believe that if you love people then they'll be happy and they'll feel good about stuff and I used to believe that and after trying to express love to people even in the way they wanted so not even unconsciously but I would try and figure out how does this person receive love okay let me give them love in the way they want to receive love I realized that so many people were not even operating on that level yeah that all they needed was safety damn like they just needed a base level of safety they weren't they couldn't even accept or receive love because that was such a lofty deep idea it's like they they didn't understand how someone who doesn't know them very well could express deep love for them because they've never experienced that before how do you find the correct safety to convey and what I mean by that is we all have a different idea of what safety means you know going back to your idea of you know when you're saying stability and stability earlier in the conversation one of the wildest discoveries I made in therapy was where I was speaking to my therapist and I realized I am particularly comfortable in chaos um that is where I'm most comfortable you know if you're in an airport and you you know flights are being canceled and you know everything's being delayed you want me rolling with you like I'm that is me problem I solve it I genuinely I find a beautiful hum of peace that comes over me yes when there is chaos traffic everything cars not that's where I'm comfortable and yet the flip I also discovered was true is that when there's calm now I'm in chaos wow you know and so I learned that I felt safest where most people didn't yes and I felt at least safe where most people would yeah and I learned a lot of that came because growing up in a home where there was domestic abuse you you know this the silence meant you didn't know anything could happen at any moment what's going on what's Happening don't know you don't know but when something is happening all you have to do is deal with it yeah wow I mean that do you get yeah I mean but that's like that's such a challenging difficult idea right for people to grasp because what you're saying is if I can hear gunshots at least I know well I know what shooting's coming from correct yeah yeah exactly so I know where to run away to from except you get what I'm saying yeah yeah no no I fully get what you're saying but I'm just saying that that is a challenging concept for people to get around because if you've not been brought if you've not been raised in a space like that like that's so much to do with your upbringing yeah but that's what I mean by safety so that's why yeah yeah so how do you even find that because you know I understand what you mean by love because again how we process it what our languages are Etc or so specific but even safety you know my my idea of safety isn't the same as your idea of course not yeah you know whether it'll be in a personal relationship in a romantic relationship you know some people's idea of safety is hey you you text me every day and you exactly you call me to make sure I got home and you another person's idea of safety is you leave me alone when I'm busy that makes me feel safe you take care of yourself it makes me feel safe you you know what I mean so how do you then find what the person's idea of safety is yeah well I think it's what you just said that there's a hierarchy of needs right and everyone has their different like you said like the the base level and I'm looking at The Vedas which is what I studied as a monk and it says the base level of anyone's motivator is fear and anxiety right like people get motivated by fear and anxiety so the lack of fear and anxiety is a sense of safety okay right higher than that is someone who's motivated by uh results or goals so they feel safe when they're moving towards something they feel safe when they're driving towards a deadline that is clear and active another level is trying tranquility and calm and it's like someone feels safe when they feel Clarity okay right and so in similar what you're saying like there's some so I think what I realized though was that safety was such a base need of humans right that until you fulfill that need it love just and this is just experience right I'm saying this from experience yeah I just felt like opening my heart to people or like trying to give love to people in a very genuine way I just felt that it it couldn't fully be received because I realized most people have probably never received love even maybe from their parents or their family or from the people they expected to love them so when someone unexpected comes along and tries to show you love it's like what is it what does he want or what is this going on no you know where does this land and so I was like all right like really back you know really back and just figure out Safety First anyway that was at least a personal experience but but why did we get there we got there because we're talking about this idea with you of like you know we're talking about relatability yeah and we're moving through to you know safety and love and then meeting people and you're talking about how you um will reveal all of yourself early on that so that the person I guess is in the safest space really yeah and and that's only My Method I'm again I'm not saying that's right or wrong it's just kind of and even what you said earlier like you said like Jay you always feel safe I think I do I feel the opposite too I feel most unsafe when I think I'm somewhere and I don't have a purpose there okay so if I get invited to a place where I don't feel I have any purpose you will see me just like I will last like 30 minutes and then I will leave because I'm just like what am I gonna do here I'm not just going to shoot the breeze so do you practice then not doing being in my purpose yeah yeah so when I'm in a space like that I will I will look at I will be there of course I can I can have conversations right twerk and everything else you're not crying in a corner no no yeah what I'm saying but do you yeah do you think I'm what I'm asking is do you have to work on that yes absolutely yeah because it's discomfort yes it's a discomfort that I have to work on which is well I don't know why I'm here I don't know what my purpose is and then the and then sometimes my way of talking to myself is you never know there may be something here right uh and you have to be open today if I if I live if I sit here and I'm close to that then I may never discover anything if I'm open to it maybe I'll discover something maybe I won't how do you find the balance between knowing when to walk away and when the opportunity may present itself I feel like that's the greatest challenge in life because sometimes you you find yourself at an event whatever it may be a work event a friend whatever it may be you go oh man I'm not having fun here I'm not having a good time I'm not and then as you say the one idea may be hey stay in this discomfort and what may come from it is something special which oftentimes can happen flip is true as well I stayed there for too long I stayed in that relationship for too long I stayed at that job for too long I I stayed in that environment for too long it was discomfort and I thought I was going to get something out of it I often hear people saying that even you know they'll you know friends colleagues strangers sometimes I'll meet they'll say yeah but I I've just I've been doing it for so long now and I just feel like maybe there's there's something and and you know and then I I will say and I don't know if even if if I'm right I go maybe the lesson you're learning is when to walk away or how to walk up but I don't even know this myself all right you know you may leave the thing that that's make me uncomfortable because of that you have a serendipitous experience totally and you go oh that's why I left because this was supposed to happen you we always confirm we have another confirmation bias absolutely or you stay and then something happens and you're like ah I was always supposed to stay so how do you how do you how do you know or do you accept the fact that you don't know I think that's I think you literally just answer you're like watching us on the whole journey all right yeah you don't yeah no no you're spot on you don't know like you don't know right like and and you can only you cannot I think it's also a matter of time right I think if I was and this is again personal but there's a difference between like if we got here on this beautiful setup that we have that you're admiring and you're saying you like the energy and how I do too if we got here on Friday which was when we first started filming here if I didn't like it on Friday if I didn't like the energy and I could tell the guests didn't like the energy I would have shifted the room immediately okay because I'm not going to wait around if I'm clear on something or I'm sensing it right I think jobs are harder because they provide survival exactly and so I think when things are tied to your survival we tend to spend longer in them than we probably should yeah because that safety again and security is so tight to that and I think that's why relationships is you rightly pointed out homes yes like I I was just talking my my uncle and Aunt like uh you know my grandparents have passed away they've moved on and you know they've been wanting to move home they've said for many many years but now they don't uh they live in London okay and they have a house yeah and they want to they want to move to a a different environment they've always wanted but now they're like no no but all our memories in this house right and so there's that there's that familiarity and they're like no I don't want to leave even though I don't love this house as a structure and as a space I don't want to leave and I think that's what we do with people yeah but but I guess that that's a good question for you that you've you've obviously had to find home again and again you've continued to find it in yourself like how have you let go of previous identities and personalities and are you because that's where we started like I think I've had to do that a lot of times like even when you said Monk and I always say well I'm not anymore and the reason I say that is because I had to let go of so many oh that's in parts of that identity that don't serve me anymore there are lots of parts of the identity that serve me massively there are lots of parts of the identity that don't serve me anymore uh same with uh same with anything like any work I've done so I guess today when you're deciding who you want to be uh one of the things I've taken away from this episode for sure and talking to you and I I genuinely enjoyed talking to you is we know you're a very smart intellectual thoughtful person about what's happening in the world but what I find really beautiful and refreshing is that today you're doing the same things internally on your inner world has that always been a habit you even said today when you walked in before we even started recording you were like chairman I've been on all day I need to just reflect and decompress and think about stuff has that always been a habit is there a method you use is there a is there an approach or is it just something you naturally just go into that inner World although I'm not particularly religious I would have to say growing up religious instilled within me the idea that I could have conversations with myself and they were necessary in order for me to process what I was going through you know that's that's what prayer is in my opinion it's a conversation that you are having multiple times a day you are remembering you are thinking you are discussing you are exposing your vulnerabilities you are whatever it may be you are you're doing in in doing that as a little child you know getting on my knees and praying one of my favorite lessons that my mom taught me was that your relationship with God is your relationship with God you know she if I was in trouble she wouldn't say to me pray in front of me let me hear you pray no she'll be like you go and go and pray and so what I am grateful for in that experience was that my relationship with God was then always my relationship with God it was my conversation it wasn't performative it it wasn't I remember as a little kid just like asking random questions you know I'd go to bed and I'd be like oh god oh man why do I break things all the time why I don't know what it is like I mean you were there with me I don't know why why don't you stop me sometimes like you know you never stop me and I'll just be there as a kid and I would I don't want to break things but then I broke it and I knew it was gonna break and now mom's angry and ah please try and make her not as angry and but I'd have these conversations and I would feel different afterwards I would feel better I would feel like I'd processed something and that is an element of prayer that I think a lot of people take for granted is that processing of the information that's oftentimes just running away in your head like just really running away in your head in that I I just try and ask questions I just tell people you know I go like I don't know if I don't think I'm smart I think I'm I think I I'm more and more confident in being an idiot to be honest with you you know I I have friends who I consider smart because I can ask them about anything you know I have friends who know about you know quantum gravity and whatever it is of space books I always go like you're reading space books again I have friends who know about you know the the deepest trenches of football history I know friends who they they're smart in my opinion but I'm proud to say I'm an idiot and so when you let go of that sometimes what I find is I I then enjoy asking questions yeah yeah you know I in most of my work that's what I'm doing is I'm asking questions as a comedian I'm asking questions of how we live in society why do we accept certain things the way we do and I think it's funny that we do and have you ever noticed how and that's what a lot of comedians do they're asking a question about something that everybody accepts as the norm you know I do it in in my job on The Daily Show I ask questions about how people see politics and why they see politics and you know whatever it may be I ask questions you know I remember one day someone said to me some random person who said to me is like oh it's crazy you know you came to this country and you know as a Democrat you probably I said oh wait what do you mean as a democrat in my country we don't have that yeah and many political parties were not forced into a binary system that's already you didn't ask a question you made an assumption you know and so even that has helped me where I come from there is not just this or that yeah in America it has like a very very player-hating vibe to it it's like look what that party's doing and look at that it's like yeah but what you know I mean if you voting for these things shouldn't you be concerned about what you're going for Wow Wow to your party yeah you know and so but as a comedian I'm going like where are the jokes I'll follow the jokes I'll tell you that much because that's what my purpose is in that moment yeah yeah um and this goes to everything I do in life you know I've been lucky enough to work on different projects like yourself you know I work in Tech I work with Microsoft and things funny I remember the president of the company one day he said he's like we're gonna call you the chief questions officer that's so good yeah because I've been lucky and you know yeah I love Tech and a lot of tech is asking questions a lot of what I do in life is enjoying asking questions and becoming less afraid of how stupid you may seem or feel asking the question yeah that's oftentimes what I see with kids the reason they learn as quickly as they do it's not just because of their brains yeah but I feel like it's because they they don't have an idea of who they are or aren't supposed to be and so they ask questions and they ask questions and they ask questions and they ask questions and they ask questions and ask questions and so what happens is a they get answers but B they discover that the people they're asking the questions of sometimes don't even have the answer they just assumed an idea or the way you know the way the world was and I I often remind myself that if I if I become too tied to the idea of being smart or being informed or knowing then I'm trapped I I would rather say I tried to be smart I try to be informed but if there's one thing I know I am well it's an idiot and there's nothing wrong with that and I enjoy it you know because then I can be the smartest idiot you've ever met and I can be the most informed idiot you've ever met and I'm fine with that because I'm just trying to be the most natural me that's that's a that's a good identity one thing I've noticed about the way you ask questions in our interview when you interviewed me but also today and something I appreciate and it was it's it's rare is I think most people when you were saying like someone assumed you're a Democrat I think most people ask questions in order to either agree or disagree with what comes out the other person's mouth yeah but we ask our best questions when we simply ask to learn and infer and so now it's not asking to see whether we're on the same page you're just asking to know because I think what we often do is we ask a question and even if the base answer kind of sounds similar oh we're on the same page like oh me and you you know we're like yeah we have the same values and it's like well no we don't we just haven't dug deep enough and I think we're often not patient and I think that's why in so many relationships in our lives and everywhere what you said you said a friend is someone who I know how they'd be in most situations yes and I think when you quickly go oh yeah yeah we have the same values we have the same belief system that that's often incorrect because we just haven't asked enough questions to infer because we really want to feel does that does that hit enough yeah no that does actually I feel like that when you ask questions and so I'm I'm throwing that back at you saying when you ask questions so going back to what we're talking about about being an outsider being an Insider where do I find a home where do I find familiar familiarity you are familiar with this to a certain degree because of moving out of the UK going to India you know going on that journey and then moving from there and then coming to America it's another one one thing that happens to you when you leave home is that you have to then either find home or you have to understand why this is home or you have to become comfortable in a new space so that it will be your new your new home and the best way to do that is by understanding is what I find oftentimes you aren't forced to understand if you are in the majority if if the norm is your world you're fine yeah if everyone has your accent well then you don't need to understand another accent yes if everybody is your skin color you don't need to understand another skin color everybody's your culture if everybody is your language if everybody's your you know socioeconomic class whatever it may be um then you don't need to understand and so what I've grown up with because I grew up with a black woman pasta woman being my mother white man Swiss man being my father family mixed country broken up separated because of class because of race predominantly I I found myself often having to understand whatever it was language culture music food idea I have to understand and what I found is that is often the fastest path to home is just understanding you know a hammock is a terrible bed unless you understand how to sleep in this and I think the same goes for everyone and everything a foreign country doesn't feel like home until you understand the language and then all of a sudden things start to work yeah you know so when I ask a question of you as Jay I genuinely do it to understand you know because if you know with you I agree and I'm genuinely trying to understand more because yeah I know the things I may disagree with funny enough more is like how I'm living my life and I'm trying to understand more about like how you see and then how do I you know it's not to agree or disagree but mostly like I need to understand this yeah and then sometimes it'll be with people who I don't agree with them so I want to understand I see the world and it seems so clear to me can you explain why you don't see what I'm seeing yeah you know that's that's oftentimes what plagues me as as a person is I think we live in a world now where there are fewer and fewer experiences that we all relate to or that we've all gone through and so while that's great for individualism and it's great for us you know living in our own Niche it has robbed us of a collective understanding and so whether it's in politics or whether it's in society whatever it is you know I think it's healthy to disagree yeah you know J.R I don't think that that's that I but it's another thing to say you know oh that's my parking no that's my parking versus that's my parking what parking wait you don't see a parking well now we're in a bigger and that's why I feel like Society is moving towards as as Everything Entertainment social media all these things become more Niche I think we're losing that Collective space to be in and so because I've always been outside yes because I've never been part of I've always been forced to understand why do you do that why do you say that how do you eat this you know so when I'm in India and I'm eating and I go can you help me help me understand why you used your hand the way you do what are you trying to okay great chopsticks for the first time I have all these things as opposed to assuming or even not being willing to so maybe that's why I ask a question the way I do yeah is because I just don't understand why you see the world the way you do and once I do I now get to hold two truths I get to see how you see the world I get to know how I see the world and I may augment my way of seeing it or I'll be able to help you understand why I see it the way I do because I Now understand yours I don't think I can do that if I if I don't ask absolutely that that's exactly what I'm trying to say is that when I was saying learn that's what I mean understand like you're asking to learn you're asking to understand you there's not an asking to say yes we're the same or no we're not the same and and I I read somewhere when when I was looking at this interview about how you were saying like because you've never felt of something you've always felt outside you've always been able to see the full picture and I was literally just saying this today that I grew up in a home where my parents rarely agreed on anything and I was always the mediator interesting and so I would sit and listen to my mom and I would understand how she felt and then I'd sit and listen to my dad and I always had an equal level of love and respect for them from their individual relationship with me even though Collective they didn't have it together and I found that when I read that about you I I was wanting to ask you about it because I was like that's where I I feel happier learning about people and trying to understand people because I could see both my mom and dad were right in so many ways like I would sit with my mom and be like how does Dad not see that right and I would sit with Dad and be like how does mom not see that like how are we missing this part of the picture and I failed miserably at trying to help the situation but I think that's partly why I do what I do today because so much of me was exposed to different opinions so I when I when I read that about you I was like I'd love to know how did you deal with that feeling like how did you deal with the idea and I know you're saying it flippantly in conversation but like how did you deal with the pressure and the idea that you failed to reconcile what was happening between the two of them I think it took me years to accept that and to feel that way because I think when you're a kid it's what you said you just accept that this is normality so when I was a kid I didn't even think of it right so it's normal parents don't get along I want to help my mom out I'm a good son I want to help my dad out you know we're figuring it out and I'd probably say I spent a good part of like at least my adult life so say from well maybe not even adult maybe since I was 10. maybe from 10 to 21 like probably 11 years trying to fix that and trying to think I could fix that or that we could improve it and while things got better sorry just disrupt yeah to your point because you were trying to create the safety because as a child I feel like there are a few things that make you feel less safe than your two parental figures you know sorry but carry on no no it's interesting no I'm just saying going back to the safety that you're saying you're trying to make your world because love didn't work it didn't it didn't matter how many Valentine's days there were it didn't matter how many romantic gestures didn't have saying I love you or a love letter but it was safety yeah and so I was trying that probably for a good 11 years and then I think when I went off to the monastery it was still there in my heart and then I think while I was there I was like okay I have to let go of this because it's not my responsibility it's not my ability I don't have the powers to fix this and that's okay and that if I'm able to let go of this then not only with things improve there I can help people who want to be helped as well and I think that was a whole like probably like a 15-year journey to get to that because otherwise you hold it as your right like your like responsibility like this is my job almost yeah I think that's what many of us have done is we have been burdened with and oftentimes subconsciously a job or a role that our parents didn't realize they were burdening us with well you know oftentimes I I find it so interesting how the loudest parents who aren't good at reading a room will have the the most shy child yes you know and and then the parents who aren't good at being outgoing and they'll have kids who are running and screaming and greeting everybody and talking to them because there's this interesting thing that happens in nature where I feel like you know the child tries to correct for what the parent may be lacking wow you know so true and and it's it's really fascinating that you say that yeah because what happens is over time you get to an age where then you have to take off you know that armor take off that Cape take off that that designation that designation yes and understand that now you've lived that you've gained the tools from it it's become a lot of who you are today but you have to let it go and that that I find is terrifying because the only thing scarier than accepting Who We Are is accepting that we don't know who we are going to be when we let go of the things that have made us who we are today yeah and that's that not knowing as simple as leaving a party early it's that same feeling of discomfort of like did I make the right choice if I stayed here would it have if I kept that role would it have and yeah I was talking to a client the other day and she said something really interesting she was saying I just never grew up with an opinion she goes I've just never really had an opinion and I've known her for some time so it was a fairly uh it was a it was a progressed conversation it wasn't the first time and and we were talking about that she was saying well I've never really had an opinion on this or that and so when when people ask me what I want to do or when my partner asks me what I want to do I I kind of like go along with it but now I'm starting to question like am I living my life or someone else's right and it was really interesting because we we were really getting into it and I I started talking to her about her parents and family dynamic and she said something really phenomenal to me she said that my brother and my dad always used to argue and I was The Peacemaker and she goes when I felt pain I never shared it because it would create more complexity right and so I accept that she came to the conclusion that the reason I don't have an opinion is because it disturbs the peace and when I don't have an opinion the piece is kept and I was you know those are the kind of things that we're saying like we take the designation of Peacemaker you take the role in the designation of whatever I was yes sometimes the comedians take on the role of being a comedian because you you kind of get around to laugh and everyone you know and so I think these roles that you're talking about are really it's a really beautiful way that you said it that we we adopt this job and this role and this designation I think I think we do and I often think sometimes it is necessary of course I think it may be evolutionary I whatever it is I you know again that's why I don't go to it's bad it's good I go it is it is it just is and and in understanding it's I realize there's nothing wrong with it being as long as you know when to let it go you know I I often think of that about seat belts when I'm in a car on a plane sometimes I forget that I'm wearing the seat belt I love wearing my seat belts especially on a plane I buckled it long before they tell I'm like in strict I don't know what it is I love it the whole flight even when you see it go off you know when they'll turn sip up like on I'm like what do you mean on the whole flight I will be wearing the seat belt thank you very much and what will happen sometimes I'm so comfortable it's been the whole time when we land we chill I don't rush to get my bags any of that and then I'll Stand and the seat belt will pull me and it's always like I laugh to myself it always happens because it's because it's really down and it just you know as I jump I was like pulls me back down I always Giggle and I I unbuckle it and I I found myself thinking the one day I was like it's amazing how this this device is is brilliant it saves your life you know in a car crash you know you you know plane crash on a Runway or whatever I don't know how much it'll save you in a big one but still you know but this thing is it holds you wow it's helping you stay intact it's helping you stay in the place you need to be in but if you don't know how to let it go when you need to now you're trapped yeah and and so that's what I'm constantly trying to work on which is so hard it's like man I go like okay all right my safe my safety belt my seat belts all right it might be my personality it might be the way I see the world it might be how I've learned to interact with others it might be anything how I eat how I think what I do what I don't what I love what I will all these things and and I get that and I I'm always just trying to ask myself okay all right is this still your seat belts or has it now become a trapping and I always just have to ask myself that question it's extremely difficult it's been you know you just go round and round sometimes I do you know a lot of the time I'll I'll be chill yeah sometimes I don't think I can watch Harry Potter the same again I don't think I could be on a plane the same again like I I yeah I love how you think I think it's so refreshing to hear that and I I the biggest thing I'm talking about this is just this ability to really question our lives question things I think I think that is the the purpose of life is is to start asking questions and what I loved about at least at least the scriptures I studied on the Eastern side they're all q and A's like they're all cute question and answers really none of them are like talking or lecturing or these are the Vaders yeah yeah they're all q and A's and I think that was a big part of how we were trained to believe that all inquiry was the birth of wisdom like it had to be an inquiry it had to be a conversation it couldn't be a a lecture or a seminar and and you know I I think when I'd sit with you and whenever I've sat with you and whenever I've watched you which I've admired you for so long I think that the quality of questioning is really what we should be more focused on than than the result and the answers as you were saying earlier that if we asked questions we were actually interested in knowing the answer to we'd actually listen yeah to the answer but Trevor we end the show with two segments these are four segments okay uh you've been more than generous with your time so the first segment is called uh the many sides to us okay and so this you have to answer in one word okay and there's five questions so are you ready I'm ready okay what is one word to describe what someone would say about you meeting you for the first time friendly friendly okay yeah friends and friendly two different things but friendly okay uh question number two what is one word to describe what someone would say about you that knows you extremely well consistent nice okay question number three uh what is one word you'd use to describe yourself Mercurial okay all right now I'm gonna have to ask you the expand like that that I was not expecting that one that is a very yeah tell me why that word like you can now go off one word like I'm consistent in the fact that I'm also Mercurial part of it funny enough I I think was not created by but as as somebody who has ADHD it took me a long time to learn in life what that did to my brain how that affected how I processed time and idea a thought a an object any any inquiry that I would have could be in some way shape or form affected by that and I think funny enough there's a there's a huge misunderstanding sometimes I actually you know hate how we've created a lot of the conversations around the mind is the best way to put it you know because some of the some of the terms have become so rote and some of the ideas have become so simple when they're not um I remember when I was young and I was diagnosed with ADHD they made it seem like you can't pay attention when in fact it's the fact that you can't choose what to pay your attention to very good at paying attention you know and so wow it's a very nuanced subtle yeah it makes a big difference yeah it makes a big difference even though it's a tiny thing yeah and so what what what's been wonderful for me in life is learning again how to be grateful for how I've dealt with something not even looking at it through the lens of good or bad but just going it is and then understanding it like that you know and that's what I mean by I think we've really hurt ourselves in society with how we've had some conversations because we've made it seem bad or good as opposed to understanding yeah because it may not be the same as the norm you know so is a short person good or bad no they're just short and the reason we say short is because they're short relative to the general population the same way someone who's tall is tall relative to the general population now if you're tall you may be bumping your head a lot more than other people if you're short you may not be reaching the things that people have put at an average height I think the same thing goes for the mind if you are blessed enough to have a mind or a mentality that is of the norm most things will work for you and most things will make sense in life if your mind isn't that's why they use Divergence it doesn't mean there's anything wrong but you you need to understand how your mind will react yeah to a world that has been designed in a certain way and so that is why I've learned to understand and accept I go I'm Mercurial again was a friend who taught me that and I loved it once I understood it first I was I was like no I'm not I'm not he's like he's like yeah you're material and I was like first of all explain the words yeah and then explain it to me I was like I'm not that I'm the and then I realized I could I could be two things yeah I'm extremely consistent anyone who needs me knows me they know where to find me they know how I'll be but I'm also Mercurial in that how I feel about this on a day and how I feel about that on a day may be more extreme than somebody else's range and so in that again just the understanding and asking the questions of myself I Then I then exist in a space where I understand so it'll be funny is sometimes I'll meet people and they'll get distracted and be like oh sorry that's my ADHD and I'm like let's not what it is but yeah right whatever you know like people have done this with everything oh I'm sorry I'm OCD it's like I don't okay yeah that's not what it yeah and so we have these very limited understandings of these caricatures yes may be and we've also created an idea of them being a bad correct good whatever it's like no it's just understanding the same thing we did with classes at some point nearsights at farsighted I wear glass and now and then at some point it was just that's what it is yeah I think we have a long way to go in the conversations we have around the mind yes and it's getting us to the same place where when you meet someone they can say that to you and you now understand that oh I wear glasses okay great yes you know whereas I'm sure there was a point where like I wear glasses so you're blind yeah now people are just like oh you do wear glasses or you wake up you wear contacts okay cool that's that's who you are yeah and I and I think that's what it is that our vocabulary around the mind and our psychology is very limited and your spot on and one thing that you just said that really struck a chord was the idea that if the world is designed for the average then the challenge is that anyone outside of it feels broken and and that's where I think we've gone wrong where it's like there's a weakness or a broken yeah it's like no the world if the world was designed for right those people right then we'd feel broken and it's just that the world's been designed for this few people if you created a new planet that was for only people who had a son uh disposition then it would be a very different case yeah no I love that that's a that's a great that's another whole two-hour comment that's another we'll come back yeah we'll save it all right question number four uh what is one word uh that if someone didn't agree with you or like you how would they what would they say about you not like I'm not talking about like an Internet troll or something stubborn right okay yeah there you go that's a good way yeah yeah that's good that makes sense I like that all right question number five what is a word that you're trying to embody right now is there like a a focus a presence with a particular characteristic or value or belief mindful great all right there's a great there's a fantastic most people struggle with this so you did you hit it out of the park all right these are the final five these are easy one word to one sentence what's the best advice you've ever received never assume it's a great piece of advice second question what is the worst piece of advice you've ever heard always be yourself that's really it all right uh course times yeah to be don't just be yourself people say though relax but you just be yourself yeah relax yeah yeah you know when to be yourself is a better piece of advice someone can give you that's good uh question number three what is something you used to value that you no longer value Fame so there was a time when it was important and yeah oh yeah I think I I thought that it would give me something that I searched for my whole life and that was a certain sense of belonging you know because there's a there's a familiarity you have with people when you see them I never cared for through the lens of like I'm better yes no but I was like oh man everyone knows that person Everyone likes that was and you know here I was this kid and I grew up alone for so long I was like oh I I'll be familiar and the word fame you know and you look at the root and I was like oh that that thing I'll be familiar and then ironically as I said it jumps straight to your unfamiliar and so then I realized like oh man you don't think that it will come from something but rather understand what you're trying to achieve and then you know figure out how you're trying to get there that's beautiful I love that uh question number four how would you define your current purpose as being a fertilizer four everything and everyone I come into contact with I would hope to be somebody who enriches the soil that I touch I would hope to be somebody who improves somebody's life in the slightest of ways whether it's helping you solve a problem whether it's giving you directions in the streets in New York whether it's making you laugh at a show you know talking about politics whatever it may be I would hope to do what a good fertilizer does in that it enables the soil to be richer it enables the plant to grow taller it it brings all of the pieces together you know it becomes it becomes a food it becomes it becomes a food that creates more food you know it's not it's not a zero-sum game and so I would say that that would probably be what I'd like to focus on most right now even for myself because fertilizer even makes itself bigger yeah it grows itself yeah you add more mulch to it and it keeps on going and so I think I think even for me yeah um you know I I Look to try and fertilize as much as I can I love that that's one of my favorite answers to that question we've ever had all right uh Fifth and final question of the whole interview if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be everyone in the world right I would create a law that said everyone everywhere in the world randomly randomly randomly could be given the lowest person's bank account like that it could be like that would be the law is that we we do this with system where every whenever it may be every year randomly the lowest person's bank account can just go out and become everybody's bank accounts wow the reason I would do that is because I think if we lived in a society where more people felt like their fate was tied to the least of us they would have a little more compassion and think a little more about how those people may or may not be existing and that's why I say I wouldn't say anyone can't be rich I'm not saying that I wouldn't say anyone can't make as much money as they want oh no go ahead we should all be doing that enjoy it go for it but I would just want us all to know that the lowest bank balance the lowest amount that someone has could randomly got and it wouldn't be to everyone yeah it would be like 10 of the population that's what's going to happen it's the law every year 10 of the population your bank balance becomes what the person with the least amount has in that in that in in the world I just wonder how we would live yeah I genuinely would because yeah I I think sometimes and I understand it you know capitalism hyper capitalism you know this thing we've been tricked into in believing that in order for you to have I cannot have as if trading didn't exist long before all of that has tricked us into a world of believing that mine is only mine and yours cannot come with it so I wonder what would happen in that space I think even myself everyone would pay a lot more attention like yo how much do you have yeah we need to get your balance up yeah because I'm trying to keep my life as comfortable as it is yeah and the feeling of it could be any of us because it could be yeah that mindset people take it for granted like it could it could always be any of us 100 yeah luck is the most random and you can work as hard as you want luck is a huge Factor you can be the best luck as a fact you can be the worst luck is a factor so you know it really could be any one of us and so I don't take for granted that I'm lucky I work hard I try and you know I try and shape as much of the the environment that my luck will exist within but I never take for granted that I'm lucky Trevor there's a new thing I learned about you today that you don't just ask good questions but you really honor answering questions and that's just I hate it when people don't by the way yeah oh you want to talk to one of my pet peeves thank you thank you uh true that is so special everyone has been listening or watching wherever you are in the world uh I I hope you appreciated that conversation as much as I did I hope you could see that we're genuinely just having a good time and getting to know each other and and learning and going back and forth but I think there were so many great insights in this conversation and I'd love to see what you took away so please do share them wherever you're sharing whether it's Instagram or Tick Tock or Twitter wherever it is I'd love to hear what you learned what you took away what you gathered from this conversation what you collected what you questioned right I think that's the biggest thing what did you question what is a question that you're asking that you never asked before today uh and I want to give a big thank you to Trevor for showing up and thank you getting all this time I I will admit though I didn't do this just out of the goodness of my heart I came because I remember seeing a clip of yours many many many many years ago and you talked about how we don't know how to breathe I remember that I remember even watching I was like [Laughter] sitting at home it's like I know how to breathe since then it stuck with me I was like one day I'm gonna meet this guy and I'm gonna ask him to teach me how to breathe oh we'll have to do that no no yeah yeah thank you thank you for this man no honestly no thank you man I appreciate it you're the best this is awesome if you want even more video of this one make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here I'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book think like a monk from think like a monkbook.com check Below in the description to make sure you order today

Channel: Jay Shetty Podcast

Views: 2,106,563

Keywords: Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty Podcast, Jay Shetty Interview, On Purpose Podcast, Jay Shetty Inspiration, Jay Shetty Motivation, Jay Shetty Video, Self help, Self improvement, Self development, entrepreneur, success habits, purpose podcast, Jay Shetty relationships

Id: a5BHutz6P-g

Length: 91min 9sec (5469 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 05 2022