Jay & His Wife Radhi ON: The BIGGEST LIE About Love & 3 Things To Look For In A Partner

I think a lot of the time in relationships you make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them whereas if you teach people how to heal themselves then you've actually helped them so I always tell people that loving someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves yeah not more in love with you the best-selling author and host the number one Health and Wellness podcast on purpose with Jay Shetty hey everyone welcome back to on purpose the number one Health podcast in the world thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier healthier and more healed now today's guest is someone who's so hard to book like literally like the most difficult we we book these incredible guests every single week uh and this person just like I just it's so hard to find a spot in their schedule like no matter how much you try like we've been working with their team for the last two years this guest hasn't come on the show for the last two years we're talking about the one and only my heart my wife Ravi devluk here foreign two years it took to get you back I didn't even realize it's been two years but also what do we have to talk about every year ly podcast but also I'm busy it's an annual check-in I know it is it yeah sorry are sharing our challenges our wins the company has been two years though it's been two years since you've been on the boat it doesn't feel like it yeah it doesn't feel like that but thank you for coming back on yeah I know sometimes it's just hard to like number one Health podcast in the world sometimes it's hard to get you to walk from the house to the studio I know I know it's like 10 steps also come on eight rules of Love where's the jingle I know I need to come up with one I did have one for think like a monk didn't I I know yeah do you remember to think like a manga I think that no thanks yeah yeah no idea thank you anyway I'm gonna come up with one for that okay yeah when it's gonna be more of a wrap I feel like because we've got a number in it but the book's already out I know I know I know channeling what if someone makes a jingle book I need to read the book and then I'll get inspiration from it oh yeah Riley doesn't read my book I'm gonna I actually finished things like well nearly finished with things like a monk I've taken a break from it it was just so good I need time to digest eight rules of love I'm gonna start on the plane Journey today and I say listening to the podcast a month ago it's a brilliant podcast everyone who's listening you should listen to all the other 300 episodes that how many have you done uh four years 150 episodes no no four years 100 episodes a year so 400. oh my gosh I've got so much to catch up on but it's really good honestly thanks I appreciate it so we're actually recording this in a place that's quite meaningful to Riley and I when we first started dating this was a place that we'd come for walks uh for tea for hanging out together it's the Grove Hotel it's it's a beautiful beautiful place I'm so grateful that today we're getting to record this podcast here I can't wait to go outside and take a walk here and enjoy the grounds it's a really special place to us so excited to be here at the Grove yeah I love this place I love it but this is going to be fun because as always what we do when Rady's on the show is we answer questions that my team comes up with so my team will uh randomly find ideas and thoughts and topics for us to talk about we have no idea we've never seen them and so you truly get a genuine raw authentication I have no idea what we're going to talk about I mean rather we have no idea I will be bringing up some stuff Riley's been working on in the background which I'm excited about uh but yeah all right so the first question uh Tim wants us to answer is what was the first what would it what the so what our team wants us to start with is what did we love each other so what did the the question that our team wants us to answer first is what did we love most about each other first what did we love what do we love most about each other now what's changed what's different and why well said well done you're getting this I should basically be the host of the show she basically have a podcast I should have a podcast um okay so I feel like it's pretty much still the same stuff that was from the beginning you're very consistently the same person in a really good way like you're a solid human you really are like the same why are you laughing yeah it's the same stuff same stuff but in like the best way because you have been consistently the same person you said you were the things that you would be at the beginning of the relationship you are still that person all the good stuff um and what would they be let me tell you they are there you go you know what's funny about this I'm not a PDA person and I feel like this is where the podcast gets it all because it's uh consist like questions about it you're extremely honest about who you were at the beginning which I think was really important like you always told me what you are happy to do not happy to do your priorities your values the main thing is your integrity between what you say and what you do and who you are on camera and who you are off camera it's literally the same person like what you talk about is the same person as who you are behind closed doors and I think that that's such a beautiful quality because I think like living with Integrity allows you to give yourself so authentically which means that you're able to just give love constantly because you're you're constantly fueled by yourself but also you're just Forever Living in alignment which is the like people feel that energy from you and I feel like I feel that every single day which is really cool thanks for that I actually think that what I loved about you when we first met was that you've always been absolutely adorable you're absolutely hilarious you're still working I want something more i i i a lot no I'm saying what I'm doing here yeah you're hilarious like I think you're one of the funniest people I know you make me laugh all the time thanks and I think I love that I could always be myself around you I never felt judged yeah I never felt I had to be a certain person I never felt like I had to perform or act in a certain way and I think you really give people permission I don't think you just do that with me I think you do that with everyone you give everyone permission to be who they are and they don't feel pressurized to impress you or change who they are mold themselves to be more important to you you like to make everyone feel important for who they are and I also fell in love with just how positive you are in a sense of not positive in the way people think about it like oh you're just happy about everything but positive in the sense that you never liked gossiping about people or you never like criticizing people or you never liked comparing yourself to other people like you were very happy to let people live their own lives and not get involved in anything negative to do with them but be happy within yourself and I thought that was beautiful thanks and I think what's changed or and obviously I still love you for all the same things but I think what's really amazing is I think you've been on a huge journey to get to know yourself yeah for sure over the last few years so we've been together now for nearly 10 years yeah and we've been married for seven nearly and I feel like in the last seven years you've truly found yourself and you've discovered who you are trying what your values are and yeah trying but a lot has been revealed and I think I love you for going on that Journey so confidently when you were scared to move to New York when we first got married so from going from the person who was scared to move to a new city and a new country which is fair enough to be scared for to now be someone who's used that as a way of learning about yourself and becoming more confident in who you are I love you for that because I think that that takes a lot of courage and I think that it would have been easy to be negative about that but you didn't do that thanks yeah amazing this is fun wonderful brilliant so the next topic that we're going to discuss is Riley and I have been on a crazy adventure in the last seven years we've moved country we've moved State uh we've moved Apartments we've moved homes and the question is how is our relationship changed how has it been impacted by all of this and what have we learned along the way I think it's it's really interesting going back to that first question we answered because I feel like I've stayed so much the same yeah I look at how it's affected me as being very like similar in the sense that I've just kept my head down and I've kept working I've kept building kept growing kept trying to do my best but I think that it just made me realize how not codependent and how tolerant you are it's really interesting to me like I don't think and this is to your credit it's I again I think I'm a good partner but more to your credit that in the last seven years you've never once said to me you don't spend enough time with me you're never around or you don't listen to me and like that is amazing like I think that requires so much maturity from you to be so happy in yourself and finding your own self because I think even though I never want you to feel those things like I feel like I'm sensitive to those things as well I still feel like if I told you have got to jump on a flight tomorrow I'm gonna be gone for two weeks that would just be normal to you like you wouldn't ever make me feel bad or guilty about that and so I think that it's made me appreciate you more because we've actually been through so many of the biggest changes there's a study that showed like the changes that stress people out the most and even put stress on relationships and it's moving countries up there moving job is up there moving home is up there and then I think it's having kids so we've literally done three out of the four constantly over the last seven years and the fact that we've constantly found a way to find our way back to each other and connect with each other and had the openness to not just point the finger and blame or I've just never felt like it's been my fault if life's been harder or easier and so there were times when when we were close to being four months away from being broke and you didn't change how you felt and now that things are better you haven't changed towards me and so I just feel like that kind of support is really special where you just feel like someone's consistently in your corner and that's how I feel with you thanks I do feel those things I think again it goes back to the consistency because you're the same person it's not been something that you didn't it was always on the table like change was always on the table I think now my perspective has changed in the sense of before I felt like I really knew where I would be living what I would be doing you know before we got married I had an idea of what that would be now I feel like I live more day-to-day year to year not even like expecting what the next year is going to bring or like not allowing myself to build expectations of what the next year is going to bring because I know they could like change is just always happening and I think I used to be someone who was quite scared of change generally and this has really helped me not be like that because we've had so many changes that it's it's all I feel like it's a better way of living where there's no expectation of what's coming next you just kind of live in the flow of what's happening so yeah I think in in that respect I think the change it change part for me was scary at the beginning but became something that I was quite excited to embrace because it felt like it kind of felt more like Freedom rather than like even though I even though when you're not in control you feel like that wouldn't be Freedom actually not expecting to be in control and not knowing what's going to happen feels more free than having that control or thinking you have that control but then also I have those times where I'm like oh this is great and then like the next minute I'm like I just want to go away to a forest and do like and just hide away like I feel like I go in like such two different directions and I feel like you deal with that really well because I am someone who can go from being like so excited about something to then being like Oh I just want to delete my Instagram and go live in a forest for like six weeks and not talk to anyone and you're like okay okay if that's what you need um yeah I know I know I just I have quite like an erraticness about me so I feel like you uh you handled that pretty pretty well I think you've handled the change remarkably well I don't know anyone else who'd be able to handle how much change you've been through yeah I don't know the way you have so in my book eight rules of love I talk about how we play different roles in relationships and if you have the book there's a relationship roles quiz so you can find out which role you've been playing in previous relationships or in this one so the team have asked us to answer the question if we're usually a parent a partner or a child in a relationship where do we find those Dynamics in the way we connect with each other so where do you feel let's start with where do we feel we're the parents I think you've been my parent when it comes to food and eating healthy yeah yeah I get the look imagine I had like lots of sugar right now in front of me like how would you okay so you're the parent when it comes to my food because I'm the kid when it comes to food like I'm the kid who wants to eat Sour Patch Kids I'm the kid who wants to eat like candy I'm the kid who wants to eat chocolate like that's all I want to do because of my mum who's sitting here as well my mum fed me four chocolate products a day when I was growing up chocolate biscuit chocolate yogurt chocolate bar chocolate ice cream so I became addicted and then this parent has been unlearning me from eating sugars yeah that's where you're definitely I also love some sugar in my life yeah but yo you're a bit more yeah yeah you've had to wean me off of it so yeah you've been a parent when it comes to that I've been there you're definitely been a parent in uh you know they call it like midlife crisis I have like a weekly or monthly crisis you're definitely the parody that's it I'm like I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I don't know whether I want to do what I'm doing right now I don't know whether what I'm doing is the right thing I don't know whether I love it I don't know whether I like it I don't know who I am that's pretty much what happens every month um and you're definitely the parent in that situation yeah but parent slash partner like you you're not like telling me what to do you're kind of guiding me through it so I say also I feel like you're not very parenting many you know parenting the health stuff either like I've always said like I've never yeah I know what you mean judge didn't criticized or like it's not like you're like oh tell me you're like guidance yeah Karen is just the person who's making you looking after you and you're being child yeah yeah being childlike I definitely am yeah that in that situation yeah yeah I think like running late for things oh yeah and getting to places on time and making sure I like actually follow through with things plan out my life [Laughter] I feel like I feel like I'm a child sometimes when I'm like like just being being literally being a child I'm just like love me now like just being like a kid about like wanting attention and just being a bit Moody and lucky you don't like throw yourself on the floor I'm close to it but I still put that voice on sometimes yeah I'm doing that so then that's when I'm like being a child for sure when else that's it that's it I don't think you're much of a child in that respect it's a parent and then child oh we're on child now no parent-child and partner so Partners when you're like actually supporting each other yeah and I think we do that overall I'd say that's overall where we end up I agree I think you've been my partner for my health I think I think you've been a great partner when it comes to like encouraging me to exercise more and work out like when we met I did so much for my mind but I never exercised my body I just played sports or I walked and I thought that was enough and you were the one who was like training me and encouraging me and educating me and then during the pandemic we worked out together nearly every day yeah which I miss because then she left me to work out with people who actually know how to work out so like with me what are you saying about me no that's what I'm saying I think like you were oh I left you you left me to work out with people who actually want to work out yeah because that was you parenting me like you'd be like let's work this is what we did this is what we do like this is what you call a squat like you know and then all of a sudden now you are you just got like real workout classes yeah I'm not allowed to come to this yeah I think you are yeah I wouldn't want to go no um I feel like you partner again just DJ stuff but I definitely think you helped me to have like figure out my own Voice through not just giving to me what I'm asking for but to help me you know see my own journey through figuring it out and I think that takes a lot because it kind of is you know it takes a lot of patience to do that and I think it's the easier option is actually just be like okay here just hate just just do this and just you know this is how you can fix this and this is how you do this and I always I'm someone who has a habit of not being certain in my own decisions and so I think you really helped to let me navigate even though I'll be like no just tell me like what should I do and you'll be like no I'm not telling you what to do like I'm gonna show you how you can get to the answer you and say this but that's how you would act like I'm gonna show you how to get to the answer but I'm not gonna just give it to you like that because then you're never gonna be able to do that for yourself and so I feel like you really did guide through through that as partner yeah I think a lot of the time in relationships you make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them yeah and if you keep fixing them then that means they remain broken and then whenever they feel broken they have to run to you and depend on you whereas if you teach people how to heal themselves and navigate life themselves then you've actually helped them so I always tell people that loving someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves yeah you're more in love with you and not more dependent on you yeah that's so true actually and again that takes so much more I think that takes so much more patience to do it that way than it does to just be like okay fine let me just do it for you like you know it feels like the it's actually the faster option you think you're sacrificing more by being that person that's fixing but actually it's more of a selfish way of dealing with it from my experience of doing it for other people around me and in other relationships around me that you end up being someone who yeah actually thinking about it is probably more of a selfish thing because it also allows you to feel more important yeah versus letting them feel their importance um and their value I think a lot of people love people being dependent on them definitely because it gives them a sense of significance definitely especially if you don't know what you're doing in your life or if you feel like you're a bit lost helping other people and although that's a great thing when you help other people but the intention behind it and what you're receiving from it can make a huge difference in how you actually feel about it so like if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them genuinely helping them or are you helping them because it fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore like for me I remember it used to be just a way that I would throw myself into so I didn't have to think about what I was doing in my life or how to figure out my own things it was just oh this is great I I need to be doing this this person needs my help I need to like create this space for myself in their life because then I don't have to think about all the important stuff I actually need to deal with so was the easier option and more of a selfish option yeah um yeah that's very true so the next topic is that sometimes your partner can be extremely annoying or you find them annoying in that case one of me and Radley ever experienced that when is that as far as a deal breaker and how to deal with feeling annoyed by your partner I don't think you've annoyed me wow like you're not an annoying person in that way like I feel like yeah there are things that irritate me and I'll happen I don't really remember stuff like that but this is the best thing when yeah I have a terrible memory and you forget the good stuff yeah forget oh you can't have you can't have one or the other you either have you have both um but I would I would say that obviously there are times where I've got agitated and been really Snappy I definitely have more of a short fuse than you do um and I have a not Tantrums I wouldn't call them Tantrums but I definitely can be more defensive and have more of an ego about arguing but that's very difficult when the other person doesn't have that and that's probably the most annoying thing that you do that it's like I want to have a fight and you're just like trying to resolve it within the first three seconds when I'm still in fight mode and I'm like for goodness sake just fight a little bit like please just just give me something and he's just always trying to just make things better it's so annoying um that's it really no come on I must do something no yeah that is the thing that annoys me as in because sometimes you just need to have a fight suddenly you just need to like argue out say things you don't mean you know just I know I don't say things that I mean but what I mean is just like sometimes you just want to have it out you've never said something with you it's like me going and you're going that's basically how our fights go you've never said something mean to me no okay I don't I don't say that's true I'm very thoughtful about my words like I really with everybody that I talk to and that I argue with I may say things irrationally but I never say things I don't mean or I'm very specific with my words but I'm just saying sometimes I like to you know have a bit of a tiff yeah I yeah but I would I would agree that I genuinely don't believe you've ever said something you don't mean or said something like I don't think you've said something harsh you might be upset with me I think I just go silent or I don't say things yeah that's probably the thing that annoys you no not anymore that used to but I talk about that in the book oh yeah I learned about that yeah oh yeah yeah that's the other thing you don't want to no you know what the other thing is I never know what's going to be in podcasts never know what's going to be a podcast never know what's going to be in a book I didn't even know that there was going to be a love book but somehow there's a book about love and this happens to do with us I'm quite private with certain things and then suddenly it's all over the news it's everywhere and actually sometimes I think about it I'm like I don't think I had a choice in this oh is that no because I annoy you there um I think there are certain times I'm like oh but but I also think it's like a it's a personal choice of how much you want to share about different parts of your life and I think it's like yeah we're realizing it no not in a bad way at all like I think you are just someone that really wears every like your heart on your sleeve you're someone who wants to share things to to give lessons and experiences to people you're never someone who shares to show off you're never someone who shares to prove a point to anybody like you are so wise with how you share things and that's why it's not an annoying thing I don't mean an annoying thing but it's one of those things I'm sure there are different types of of Partners where one person's like way more like I everybody always says to me like oh my God you're so eccentric I can't believe that you don't like doing things in public or that you don't and it's such an interesting thing because you were you not your nature is like you your nature is to be around people in front of people in terms of like you are so you exude that you thrive off it like that's when I think that that's when your nature is it's when you thrive off something like part of it at least whereas for me it's something I definitely learned to grow into and it's something that I absolutely love like I love sharing things with people but I think the way that you share like you're you're a very open person and so it's less annoying thing it's just something I randomly thought of yeah actually I don't I don't know like some people would tell me oh I've heard this about you on the podcast and I was like oh my god I didn't even know that was on the podcast or like I didn't even know this was in the book and so I think it's just it's different ways and it's just understanding the person's intention behind it so it doesn't upset me I think I'm very different in terms of how I share about us but it's like it's you're also in the relationship yeah but I really appreciate that kind of lens to it because I think someone else could be upset but I you're right I only share our ups or Downs or challenges because I want people to recognize that there is no perfect partnership and I think when we first started sharing about relationship that's why I stopped yeah that's right because I hate being seen like I find it really suffocating when if people think anything about perfection to do me because I know I'm not that person I'm not that person I'm like trust me he wrote this book for me to read because I need the stuff that's in the book but like I genuinely don't feel that I'm a perfect person and so I find it really suffocating and kind of difficult to handle no so do I and so do I and that's my point that the reason why I started talking about oh you're right should I get tissue oh you're good you're right I'm going to tissue work you want some water okay bro that was so beautiful yeah thanks oh thanks man sorry just break your mic okay when I'm happy I cry when I'm angry I cry when I'm sad I cry with every emotion it's just how I release things for anyone who doesn't know that I've spoken about that a thousand times so don't worry if you see me cry yes I'm not telling you to stop no I know I know I'm just telling this yeah that's actually why I started to share and we always did but like share like fights that we had or challenges that we had or things like that because I just found that I too don't ever want to portray a perfect image of me of me and you of of anything in my life because no one's perfect we're all making mistakes we're all a work in progress and the last thing I want is for people to think that me and you never fight or that me and you have it all figured out or that we're not having to transition and grow because we have to do all those things all the time and I think the mistake that happens though sometimes with like obviously like the question I the question I get asked all the time now that you've written a book I love obviously is like oh my gosh and you are you're like just to be clear Jay's literally like one of the most amazing Partners you could ever ask for but they assume that the relationship is just like I just don't like the idea of perfection I find that with my stuff as well like because people think that you're just a positive person and same with you you must get that all the time where it's like oh my gosh you must never get upset and you must you just seem happy all the time and I'm like and then it makes you want to kind of be like Oh I'm sad today everyone and I'm like I choose what I share because I don't want to share that energy with people because I know that energy I want other people to feel when they watch my things or when they experience it that doesn't mean I don't harness that energy within me it's what I then choose to let other people experience and I think that's also important to know what you're giving out to people I know that if someone sad around me that's going to make me sad and so I'm sorry and when people are happy it's the same thing and so I'd rather give off contagious happy energy than sad but that doesn't mean people don't feel it yeah [Music] I feel with you and and that's why I talk about I mean I constantly been talking about like when I get irritated or when I get agitated or like I always talk about how I get more Moody and I can get Snappy and yeah all those things with you and and that's what I talk about in the book about how when I get when we have a fight I want to solve it when we have a fight you want to hide and so I call it venting and hiding and then there's another one called exploding which are the three fight Styles exploding is when someone just wants to let all their emotions out and we found a way where in the beginning when you used to want to hide uh you take some time out and I wanted to vent in the beginning I used to think you didn't care and so I literally would feel like you didn't love me as much you didn't care as much and I would say that to you yeah only to realize that none of that was true what I realized was that's just how you process an argument and learning that that's how you process an argument and that what I'm doing isn't right it's just how I process and argument helps you realize that you could actually be on the same team and then and saying okay let's get back to this in 12 24 hours we can actually come back having digested what the problem is and talk about the problem and so I shared those kind of examples of our relationship in order to help people understand that even I used to think you didn't love me because you wanted to not talk to me for two days yeah yeah but that's not true you just needed time to think about it and just because I wanted to talk about it now doesn't mean I care more but that's how we think about things we all think we care more yeah in the way we act right or that someone else cares less yes and so yeah and and I yeah I think it's just it's that thing of whenever you're sharing things about you know you share so many different topics and there's so many things that you speak on and you know when it was purpose I'm sure you've got lots of questions about purpose when it's love you get so many questions about love and I just think there's this like I I think I'm still learning to do you've already I feel like you have this thing of not you're very good at digesting not really knowing what your intentions are knowing what you're grounded in knowing your purpose and therefore what other people's perception of that is doesn't affect you as much I think I'm still working through the like pressure of perfection which I'm just like it's so hard to be I'm just not perfect like it's not I'm not happy all the time I'm not this all the time but it's very difficult to vocalize that in a way that's not like okay you're just saying that because you know it's it's so hard to communicate it to people if they've already got that perception of you and I think that's why sometimes I hide away or shy away from like discussing certain things because for me it's like I just I find that too difficult to at the moment something that I'm dealing with myself of like that's not what like whenever yeah that's just the phase of my life that that I'm in right now I think I think everyone in the world is looking for Perfection yeah yeah no but there's a part of us totally you want to know like what is that yeah and it's like once you know biggest perfection in when I think about it and have tried to think about that mindset it's like okay because Perfection equals happiness in in Minds like and I can understand it's like whenever I see someone who I think whatever perfect is to me has that perfect life I'm like oh that is what happy is and I think it's just through my own thing of whenever I've got the things that I think mean Perfection or what people like the things that people perceive of you as being perfect you're like that doesn't make me feel happy at all like those things that you're saying to me or messaging me saying that oh you've got this which is like that's that's like the perfect this or whether it's to do with physical appearance or mental mental stay or whatever it is it's like there's so many parts to Perfection that people think equal Perfection but it's like when you hear that from the other side I'm like oh wow if that's Perfection that hasn't made me happy and so I think there's from me when I think about perfection now it's like I've realized stripping back so much to be like what is what would make me the most happy and that's what Perfection is and to me right now it's really leaning back into my spiritual journey and like really trying to harness that because I know that was the only thing that made me so happy not only but like the main thing that made me so happy and that that includes the people around you who really support that but I think when you end up just constantly hearing what perfect is and what people think the think you are as being perfect it stops you from actually being yourself and I'm like this year I just want to be so much more less what trying to be what other people's perception of me is and just be yes yeah yeah I love that yeah and I don't think there's a perfect person I don't think there's a perfect partner I think there's just navigating our imperfections and figuring them out and the reason I I wrote a book about love was not because I'm a love expert or a Love Guru or because I think I know everything about love or that we have a perfect love I wrote about it because I think I'm fascinated by it totally yeah I wanted to spend time studying it and learning about it and I wanted to be able to share insights and Frameworks that I've created to not just manage our relationship but manage and Coach other people's lives that I've worked with and so what I'm sharing in the book is there is no story of a perfect love that no no it doesn't exist in the book there is no Perfect story even a proposal story I tell is a mistake and something that went wrong and not wrong because you were upset or because you were sad and wrong because it made me realize I was just trying to love you in the way that I thought the movies taught us how to love I wasn't loving you in the way that you wanted to be loved no but I think the tools and the Frameworks that you've even shared with me have been so useful for not just our relationship but like every relationship that I have so I personally think like everything that you've even taught me in the relationship has been applicable to every relationship that I have and I think like genuinely think you're like the perfect person to write this book because it's it is so much about you've spent so much time and so much energy building like the relationships that you have not even just romantic relationship the relationships that you have with people that for me has been like the when you have a qualification but not the qualification whatever that word is but the qualification for you to write the book like because seeing your relationships with people how deep they are how genuine they are how authentic they are like that is that in itself is the most beautiful thing because it's so hard to build relationships in the world like through all of this stuff that happened throughout life through the barriers that we put up through the social media filters through every photo there's so many filters that we end up having throughout our life now especially because you're exposed to so many people the more people you're exposed to the more you feel like you have to adapt the more you feel like you have to change and sometimes you're you're putting on different clothes and different things not clothes but different clothes and layers to be different people for different people and I think you are someone who literally through every relationship I have seen remain the same person you've reacted things in the same way you treat things in the same way so this is me saying separately as your partner saying that the way that you have cultivated relationships and really work through how you create authentic relationships that for me is like I want to read the book because of that then that obviously applies to our relationship the way that you you communicate the way that you share things like it takes so much work to become that person and to just read the book to understand and by the way this is not a book club book plug guys I haven't read it yet but I know it's going to be good just because of having experienced that and seen it like for 10 years day in day out the way that you are and that's why people who are close to you and the people that you have in your life and the the way that you have created those relationships there are relationships that you have for years and years and years or they will and not even if if they're not they're relationships that have got so deep so fast that it's never been about the surface level stuff and I think like that is just so powerful and so amazing because I know I've had relationships I've had friendships that I've had on relationships for years and years and there's you know they still don't feel what they should feel like because I haven't invested the time to figure out how to make it there and each relationship is so individual that you have to invest that time so if you want that relationship with someone and you want that friendship you want want that brothership whatever it is it takes that time investment it takes creating those Frameworks it takes creating whatever it is but you know it is an investment of time and energy and I think that the amount of relationships that you've had throughout your life that have been so meaningful that in itself shows that you have so much to share and wisdom to share on it and so you know romantic plus other relationships I think that's such an important skill that you have to have through your life and I feel like I'll be so sad if I got to the end of my life and I was like wow I had all these friends but like no real relationships the whole thing we need as humans I feel is to feel that connection and you can go 50 60 70 80 years of your life not even having one connection to someone in that way and how sad to have missed out on life sad I'm talking sad for me not like oh that's sad but like genuinely sad to go through a whole life's worth of living and not actually having experienced what a relationship means like that that would just you know how unfulfilling that would be and so yeah I'm like I genuinely am excited to read it because I feel like and you're like they're teaching me along the way but sometimes it's hard to really hear from someone that you spend time with or like that you really that that you not take for granted because I really value what you do but you kind of take the words for granted when you're not studying it or when you're not actually in you know when you're not in a place to even receive it and so I feel like I'm in that place right now where I really want to build deeper connections and I think that's why it's yeah I think it's such an important thing from you from other people started listening to the podcast recently I did this was this was on purpose the question was what did we find annoying about each other I did I said that it's when you share things about me that I don't know about that is something that genuinely annoys me um and also because it's seen from your perspective and you have like filter of your eyes when it comes to me because you always think things I do are nice when actually I can be a terror but yeah I changed the question sorry yeah so I have a chapter in this book called your partner is your Guru yeah uh and this was inspired by you great well it really was inspired from our tradition and the idea that yeah relationships are more about education and Enlightenment than they are about entertainment yeah and I think that you get into relationships because of pleasure but actually relationships that last are ones in which you grow and which you find a purpose yeah and I think that sounds really unsexy and uncool because people think like oh well my partner should just be someone I have fun with all the time and we have a lot of fun together we've had a lot of fun over the last 10 years for sure without a doubt like whether it was when we've traveled together when we've started joyo together when we've uh moved whether we you know we're in this tiny shoebox apartment or whatever it was like we've had a great time but the greatest great time is when you're learning and growing together because you actually learn how to improve your relationship and that's what makes your relationship better so when I talk about your partner is your Guru what I love is that if you look at Eastern Traditions gurus are not the people who tell you what to do or preach to you or act smarter than you the guru like the monk gurus they would come and sit at the back of the class and listen to a young monk give a talk like that's what gurus did or when you bow down to an elder Guru the guru would bow down to you on the floor even if they were twice your age like the guru was not a figure that made you feel inferior it's not authoritative yeah but the guru was a figure that constantly made you feel like they believed in you and that you had potential and that you had value to offer and so when I wrote this chapter called your partner is your Guru I break down the qualities of a student and I break down the qualities of a guru and all of the qualities our Guru is generally your partner who believes in you and I found what I found in relationships is that it's so easy for you to be the most critical person of your partner yeah it's so easy for you to say that oh yeah you're just the worst and you're so like lazy and you're just like you know ambitious enough and you're not organized you're not like it's so easy and I found so many couples were in that space even if you don't say it we feel that about our partners because people say it to other people the amount of people that come to me and say my partner's ambitious enough he doesn't work hard enough like oh she doesn't understand enough she's too clingy like we have these negative views and actually we should be the ones who see the potential in our partner of course Beyond any and I make this very clear in the book beyond any abusive or toxic relationships we should what look at the potential in our partner we should be the ones who are like making them feel like they can grow and become something of course not ridiculous in stupid ways but in a healthy way yeah that's why I think that when I wrote this chapter one of the ways in which you've been my Guru is that and I've said this multiple times to other people I don't think I've said it to you fully but I think that as I became more materially successful I wanted you to love me more for my material success and you didn't like you just didn't budge so even if I'd like win an award or I'd be number one or I'd whatever I did I never felt like you loved me more and for a long time in our relationship I just felt like you didn't love me like because of that because you didn't love me more and then when I would talk to you or I would hear about what you said to someone else and even when I listened to you today it's like I'm constantly reminded that you love me for who I am not what I achieve and that has been the greatest Guru thing that you've done because I think I would have started to love myself for what I've achieved and not who I am if you love me for what I achieved and not who I am and today is such a subtle intricate point but that's the kind of stuff that your partner can do for you because your partner actually sees you and then in a more like in a more tangible way you're the person that if I'm practicing a talk to you or I'm practicing something to you or I read you a part of the book when I'm first writing it you'll call me out and be like that's average or I don't like that or I'm so great that's crap and it's like your partner is only doing that and you say this to me all the time when my ego gets in the way and you'll be like I'm only doing that because I want it to be amazing because I care about you yeah the person who doesn't care about you is just gonna be like oh that's amazing like that's awesome just keep doing it whereas you're like I don't I don't want you to look stupid on stage tomorrow I want you to think about it and so I find that that also is how your partner's your Guru because they're the only one who can coach you through your ego because if anyone else said that I probably wouldn't take it but because you're saying it's like I know she wants only what's for my best yeah and so I will listen more as well yeah thanks um but I also think with what you were saying about you know the awards and stuff I think there's you know what I've learned from those situations is that there's still an element to like even though you know I always think about people who achieve a lot in their life and they must and not saying oh my God it's so hard to achieve a lot of life but to just ears no I mean no what I mean it's so it's such a hard life to achieve a lot what I'm trying to say is that it's it's difficult sometimes for people who and by the way this doesn't mean achieves a lot in the Limelight or achieves a lot in their day-to-day life but you know people can get so used to people achieving that every success doesn't end up feeling like a success to to the other people but the the the not go out what's like the craft graft that's gone into it only the person who's done it knows and even as someone who's watched you through it or watched you know watched you actually um do what you need to do to to get you know those achievements it's still not the same as being that person and so to even be a person watching and observing still to have that respect and that value for it and to share that oh my gosh that's amazing like and I think I you know I genuinely think I just got so used to you achieving and you've always been a person who's achieving in but but the work has just always been there but I think it's even just appreciating the work even if you don't appreciate the what's come from it even if I'm not like oh my gosh it's a ward because sometimes I'm like oh wow another streamy oh wow another this like okay cool because I know that there's always more coming because I know you are just such an achiever and like you are you put in the work so naturally there's going to be achievement but I think there is so much in even though you're not looking for it what I've learned from it is there is so much to actually so much to sharing that wow I see the work that you're doing like that's amazing and I never felt like you needed that validation because I was like oh you just keep going and you know that you're doing great like you must know it because you are but I think it's really important for loved ones partner family to keep sharing people's success and there's so and you know when you end up celebrating other people's success I've realized that in my life it makes you so much more of a better person because you're really thinking about how amazing it is for someone to have done that and not even just the success the legwork that's happened before that and I really it's so important to do that it's not about boosting someone's ego it's not about making someone feel like oh what they've got is it's so valuable but making someone know that we see the work that you're doing and we see the hard work that's going into it and I see you know I just it's a way of saying I see you in in a subtle way and I think it's really underrated because because I think people are used to being like oh wow that's amazing you've got this but they don't think about everything else before so now when I think about celebrating someone's success or celebrating your success it's like me actually saying to you wow I see everything that's happened for you to get there and I've realized how important that is and I don't normally and I've not been someone to do that for you so now I'm like oh I really do want to do that for you and for other people around me and I think you're right the guru part is true like whatever I've noticed I haven't been doing has been instrumental for this but also in every relationship that I have because it's showing me that the little thing you know you notice so much about yourself obviously they always say you notice the most about yourself in relationships right like who you actually are and I feel like in a lot of other relationships I haven't seen that you know with my mum she's always just like whatever you know whatever you end up doing your moms love you like all the time it's like unlimited amount of love but I think in relationships you're constantly reflected back to you they they don't in your relationships you don't allow you know I feel like I see it on a constant basis of what I'm not doing especially if your partner is someone who is so loving that the reflection is you know you can't help but see the things about you need to change because that person is constantly just pouring love into you and so I think it's just anyway I just think it's such an important part but that Guru part that you were saying I completely agree because I feel like I've had that and that's been pouring into other areas of my life too um and so yeah that's it why are you laughing you always do that at the end of when you're talking about something I'm like you're really passionate yeah yeah so that's it yeah because I feel like I'll just end up repeating it in different ways willing to be succinct yeah so the question is what have we prioritized in a previous relationship that we don't prioritize in this relationship something we basically thought was important before but we no longer think is important now in this relationship I think it's what you've talked about a lot and I'm sure many people have heard you say this but the time quality thing I think that's been something that you you know the more time you spend with someone you think that time is the investment people think that time is the investment like the amount of time you spend with someone is what the investment is this person is willing to spend two hours with me but this person is willing to spend 15 minutes with me that must mean the two-hour person values me more loves me more cares for me more but what is the quality of those two hours what is the quality of those 15 minutes makes such a difference and I think you know we I've just been so used to that concept that that's what I always you know related to this friend or this relationship this person wants to spend the most amount of time with me that must mean you know that person loves me more and so I think that's something I've really changed because you can feel so much more fueled from a 15-minute interaction with someone um and loved with presents then you can with you know two hours of someone's distracted time and I'm that's something I'm still working on as a person of being someone who is present I think it's something I've really you know I've been up and down with it there are different times where my mind can just you know go everywhere and do everything and not even be in the same room as everybody else that I'm in the room with but I think it's something that I I know it's some it's it's I want to be working on and something I want to be improving on but I think that's a value that I have changed I love that I I think I've talked about this a few times but I do think it's it's important to keep reitering like I think I used to see romance very one way I had a very singular view of what romance men which was like nice dinner Candlelight flowers movie like that kind of very typical idea of what romance looks like or like Netflix and chill where you're like snuggled up on the couch watching like I think we all have these very basic views like I had someone ask me the other day they were like you know if I'm Netflix and chilling with someone like we've gone beyond the first date phase of having a drink together but now we're Netflix and chilling like but I don't feel chemistry I was like you're not gonna film chemistry Netflix and chilling yeah and just watching a movie just watching a TV show a movie like you can't feel chemistry for someone doing that because it's such a basic activity and I think our relationship by almost chance and I don't know how but we kind of started on that foot of like one of our first dates was go ape oh yeah and go wait for anyone who doesn't know what that is is a an assault course that's 80 feet up in the air you know we're like swinging from Branch to Branch we're helping each other out like you you got to see what scared me I got to see what scared you like there's just so much opportunity right for chemistry there and we would have very easily figured out if there wasn't any chemistry there and another thing that we've done a lot of which we talked about before is escape rooms again it's very easy to like get a conversation started and like you don't have to have that awkward silence because there's something to solve and I think that's what life's kind of like like life's about solving a problem life isn't just talking to each other and often when you go to dinner I see so many couples on their phones and no one's talking for like an hour and a half and the food comes and you kind of mention a few things that you like and then you're back to your phone and that's because you can't just sit there and have random conversation you need another almost activator or something interesting or fascinating to do like I know when we've been to like a pottery class or a painting class or recently you tried to do wakeboarding right and it's like that to me is so much more I learned so much more about you watching you try to do this impossible task but an extreme sport I might add an extreme sport which made you feel like you had whiplash the next time much pain yeah but it was like so fun watching you try something new as opposed to like if we just sat at the beach and had dinner like it it just goes to me and I appreciate by the way like we're tired at the end of the day we do want to turn a show on that's fine but at least once a week I think it's really important to go do something different things that builds yeah something that builds something where you're learning about someone somewhere you get more Curious you laugh at each other you laugh at yourself something where you're both doing a new experience because I find that in in my old relationships I literally thought of love and romance as a very typical date night and I don't think we have a typical date night I think we try and avoid it generally yeah if we go to watch a movie we don't see that as date night we just see that as watching a movie yeah we'll both be like oh we really want to see this movie yeah let's go and watch it but we're not like oh this is date night like that doesn't become our bonding that just becomes something fun we want to do yeah or we don't watch a TV show and think this is us bonding like this is where you're not connecting yeah can't be something that deepens or strengthens or creates you know a different perspective on your relationship it's just you know I used to feel the same way where it's like oh you know that that thing of going on a Friday like movie night you know and if if every single time you're hanging out it's an activity where there's little connection little like a connection on like all levels connection on a mental level connection on talking like there's so much to do with connection that needs to happen within um within a day or within spending time with someone where if you're watching something or if you're doing something with little of that how can you get to the end of the day and be like you know what that was that was really good I really felt like I connected with that person because really you're just sitting there together in the same space but there's connection isn't you know that that's a different type there's not a deeper connection that you're building during that time and again I love going to watch movies and stuff but I think I've learned even if I want to get to know a friend I won't ask her to come to watch a movie with me that won't be the first time I'm spending with a girlfriend I'm trying to get to know it will be let's go work out together let's go food shopping together like it sounds so much but something where we're able to connect on things find out Mutual things that we like or love and you know that's what really builds familiarity and and the connection and so yeah I agree so the question is if we rewinded 10 years what would have been our top three things we were looking for in a person yeah at that time I think my mum was more worried about me looking for a partner than I was and I'm joking she wasn't like pushing me or anything but um your mom forced you to marry me yeah basically it comes out now I I don't know I was like in a big transitional phase of my life when I was when I started getting to know you or when I met you at least oh that's a long time ago well we're talking about when we first started dating ten years ago when we first started right so at that point I don't think I knew I think I was just at the point in my life where I was like oh I knew I wanted someone that I could um grow spiritually with I think that was that was probably top of my list at the time because of the phase I was in I was you know in deep at that time of really trying to explore that phase of my life at that part of my life and so that was probably number one for me was someone that I know has has spirit in them that wants to explore that part of their life too that's what I wanted and that was my number one to me I didn't really have any like at that time had any like financial goals or anything that wasn't something I thought about very often um and then apart from that I'm trying to think oh and just laughing like I knew that I wanted someone that I could laugh with and crack jokes with and just yeah I think laughing was really important to me and I I don't think I hadn't spent time to think about that at the time so that's that's about all I can think of yeah I don't think I ever had a list either like I don't think I was ever that kind of a person and that's why I'm not a big list person now like I don't I think lists can often minimize who you meet because you have such a criteria that's true and then you're finding this person who has all of this perfect criteria but someone can be perfect on paper and still not be the right person and I think you see this like I mean I'm giving a sports analogy here but bear with me it's the idea that sometimes a team on paper can be the perfect team they have all the best players in the world yeah but they don't perform on paper on on the pitch or on the field and I feel like that's what relationships end up like where you have this person who ticks all your criteria but then they're not that in real life like you don't feel that with them and so I think relationships are more about discovering someone like I couldn't have known what you would be like in 10 years you just can't know no you really can't I can't know what someone's gonna be like in 10 years and so all I can do is be curious and open and learn you are so many more things than I ever thought you were or would be or could be or anything but you either have to figure it out as you go and go oh I like that or I don't like that and let that be what leads you rather than be like okay I think I know who this person is but then what if they change what if those three things you wanted became completely different like I did want someone who was spiritually grounded you are still spiritually grounded and that is a massive pursuit in you I wonder what I would feel like if you weren't supposed I don't know like I didn't even know how I feel about that because that would be something you'd have to be open to if it came to them right right and so I I think criteria interesting uh but I think it's more about exploring and discovering a human being that's two actually so many people have lists of like so many of my friends who are looking for a partner will have all these lists of what they want and every category they'll have something that they want in it and sometimes it's like oh I met this person and they make me laugh and they you know they really give that feeling that they've been looking for but then they don't meet the criteria and it kind of completely throws them off and they don't even know whether to go on a second date with them and it kind of feels like a missed opportunity because you know it's so a lot of the time it should be so much more about emotion and how someone makes you feel versus whether they fit that that perfect that you've created yeah like some people like he has to be six foot two yeah so oh my gosh so many people and I'm like um like how my friends like us we told dark and handsome and I get I get being attracted to have tattoos and I get being attracted to your partner yeah definitely I'm not saying don't be attractive obviously obviously right just putting it out there but you can't make that the criteria of it all like no if you're already getting along with like if you get along with someone and you've got that you know connection to then go back to your list and be like tick tick cross because they're six foot two is not gonna keep that relationship going no that's the point like whether you know that's not going to make sure we're all going to shrink you know that's what happens with old age so they're married someone six for four exactly exactly so the question is how do you re-shot for our partner even when our partner has so many other priorities has a purpose has things that keep them busy how do we still show up for each other when we're busy and they're busy and have so much going on yeah I I think this was actually our weakness because being busy in our life came about on us so quickly like I don't you know I always say this to people like I didn't plan for this life we didn't plan for this life things transformed and moved very quickly and changed very quickly and it it took off quickly even for us and we almost had to play catch-up with it and so I never thought when we got married that we'd ever spend any time apart right right and all of a sudden months in our relationship before the pandemic in the first two years of our marriage we spent like eight months apart and yeah then it was the pandemic and we spent every day together and I loved it I'd have to say it was two of my favorite years yeah of spending time with you yeah I love spending time with you for those two years and then when the pandemic was over again our lives again have been like we spent like nearly six months apart last year this month at the start of this year we've already spent a month apart obviously different reasons and last year again was a surprise it wasn't part of the plan yeah it was challenges Beyond us that we couldn't control that were keeping us apart Visa issues things like that that are like complex and you know things that we have to deal with when you are from different countries and live in different countries and that was like the first time where I realized that I didn't have good tools for that kind of uh distance and actually because I just thought that it didn't matter you you just stay the same and things would be fine and so I think I've actually learned the hard way sometimes where I haven't been as well informed or didn't think I had all the tools I had it all figured out and I've realized the importance of checking in every day yeah which I never really used to think that was a thing I never thought you had to check in every day and I know that sounds stupid to a lot of people but no I think it's also because we're both very safe independent oh yeah we're very independent as well we're safe and secure we trust each other and then I realized checking in every day was so important when we were traveling or or not in the same place uh that was a big one I'd say that the other one was for every day you spend a part you need to have a quality day together I really believe that like I felt like last year when we didn't see each other for six months I felt like I spent the next six months only thinking about a relationship because it had to be the priority you can't just expect a plant or a tree to grow in your house when you don't water it you don't take care of them and so if you've not seen it for six months because you've been traveling you don't just get the company yeah you don't just get to come back to it and go oh great like I'm back now like start blooming like it doesn't work that way like you take so much of that effort and I think I didn't fully digest that and last year was that year where I was like all right that's what it's going to take it's going to take six months of recreating refocusing reprioritizing that's what I did last year that's how I felt that I focused on that at the end of last year yeah and that's how I feel now as well like you know you've been here because of uh family challenges and things like that with your grandma it's not been well and who obviously we know is your favorite person in the world and it's like you've obviously want to be with them again we haven't seen each other for a month because you've had to be within hospital and so there's so many things that come up in our lives that are always going to be there so we can't live in this perfect world of like oh never go two days without each other never life doesn't work that way like life is what you can't make fake rules but the rule I have made is that when we are reconnecting you have to go deeper in less time to rebuild the relationship when you are busy yeah and you have to spend quality time one of the things I love that we did was and I want to get back to it as soon as we're in a flow of being together again it's like the idea of every 30 days we used to take three days we disappear three hours away from La we'd lock our phones away in the room and we'd just bike together walk together and be together and to me when you all have a busy month having three days a month where you go so deep with each other is so needed because you are busy every month and not everyone has time every day or the energy every day to like sit down with their partner and check in and make it amazing you can't but you can once a month and I think you have to have a monthly check-in even when we do these annual check-ins I think these are really important like yes we recorded and it goes out as a podcast but I think every couple should have an annual check-in and answer these questions that we're answering otherwise like years go by and then a decade later you're thinking about your relationship and so I think reflecting is such a powerful tool yeah and recording is actually a powerful tool and I think if we were to reflect and record more often every month and every year with our partners your relationship will go in the right direction as opposed to your relationship going off in a wrong direction yeah and then you're trying to save it years later yeah that makes sense I think check-ins yeah I think I I didn't think they either I was like oh we're in two different time zones it's so hard to just we'll just figure out when we see each other and we'll talk when we see each other we'll we'll um catch up with each other when we see each other but yeah I think daily check-ins is is a really important part of it message or call like whatever is feasible and easy to do I think being really honest about what you need as well like I feel like yeah that's true I feel like just catching the person like I you know that even if I've had a busy day if you said to me I really need to talk to you tonight or let's chat totally you know I'd be there yeah even if I've had a really busy day and I'm exhausted or whatever it may be but if you don't know sometimes you assume your partner just knows anything and I think that's always where things go wrong where it's like well why haven't you checked in with me for a month yeah and that mentality really ruins relationships rather than just saying let's agree to have a check and everything yeah let's see how we're doing yeah see what you need help with one thing I recommended in the book was four questions so once every day is um what have you done for yourself today once every week is what have you got coming up this week and what support do you need every quarter is is this relationship going in the direction you want and how how can we get it in there and the fourth question every year is what are your goals and how can I help you I ask you a lot of those questions all the time and so I just broke it down into that formula because I really wanted people to have like really clear things that they could do yeah I'll ask you them from now on cool get my notepad out so the question is it's early 2023 what are our goals what are we pursuing what's important to us as a couple for this year I always talk about in the book how there's three types of relationship the one you have with your own purpose the one your partner has with their purpose and then having a purpose together as well and so looking at that third part of it um I think for me it's I really feel that even though I haven't been neglectful or uh I don't feel I've caught our relationship second or less important for this much time I'm definitely in a place this year where I want it to be really important and so I want to travel more together I want to spend even more quality time together especially because we've kind of gone from having like two years when we first we went together two years married where we were like in the pandemic where we're together every day so now again the busyness and it's almost like I want to make sure that I'm constantly investing in that in our relationship and I think traveling together more having that deep time as I'm talking about together more of those weekends yeah more like that stuff is so important to me and I'm really looking forward to that with you yeah me too that and like I think for me it's like learning how to schedule in time for that because sometimes I can be like oh yeah it will happen and we can do it whenever and we'll just hang out and they're like planning things and creating experiences and moments for that to happen I think that's uh that's something I want to work on because I'm not very good at that yeah thank you Roddy for coming back on that's all right you'll be coming back on a lot this year and next year because you've got so many exciting things sorry I'm like fully booked for the rest of the year so you had so many exciting things coming up I'm so excited I'm so proud of you like I've been watching you in the background work on so many incredible things yeah that are gonna excite and Delight so many people surprise so many people and I can't wait for you to share them with the world me too I'm excited and uh I love you and it's been fun watching you grow it's been fun doing this video as always I can't believe we haven't done it for two years I know I can't need that and um what were we doing last year well I didn't see you for six months oh yeah yeah that was it um but I I love you so much and I'm so grateful to be in this journey of life with you and I don't think I would have learned half of what I've learned in life or what I put in this book if I wasn't with you same and so you've taught me so much same you've taught me so much let's go find you as adorable 10 years ago and that's the wrap guys thank thank you so much for watching and listening today make sure you tag Bradley and I with anything that stood out to you or anything that connected or resonated with you as always Riley and I try to be extremely open uh and organic with you with these conversations I hope you enjoyed it I hope it helps you in your daily life in your relationships and with the people that you connect with that's our only intention and our only goal uh thank you so much for listening to on purpose and I'll see you on another episode thank you so much bye if you love this episode you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships

Channel: Jay Shetty Podcast

Views: 967,704

Keywords: Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty Podcast, Jay Shetty Interview, On Purpose Podcast, Jay Shetty Inspiration, Jay Shetty Motivation, Jay Shetty Video, Self help, Self improvement, Self development, entrepreneur, success habits, purpose podcast, Jay Shetty relationships

Id: dGLbCOTkVnk

Length: 67min 41sec (4061 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 13 2023