Tim Dillon Funniest Podcast Moments

follow the instagram [ __ ] ying yang monkey [Music] but virgin power is so strong bro oh dude that's crazy a uh somebody parked a volkswagen rabbit on this guy's leg one time outside of our school house and i saw a virgin [ __ ] lift it right off his leg wild yo and this was zan park and who knows when it was every scene is from like the movie powder every scene it's amazing what are you talking about every scene if you're live stories like that i've never seen a virgin pick up a car yeah they pick up ak-47s now that's the problem virgins now are picking up ar-15s hopefully they start picking up cars again that would be nice they need to grab some [ __ ] then bruh i agree with you because they're shutting down all the [ __ ] bro that's who's doing it that's right we got a version right here let's hear this young woman this is the furthest thing from a basic [ __ ] question what's up theo this question's for all three of you guys you can't leave the room until you form a human centipede what's the order going to be oh andrew god [ __ ] what are you doing so what website are you on are our fans yeah these are people coming in from 8 chan to discuss it's 4chan now dude right they took 401 or you're eating cleanest so i would probably say you up top yeah tight tight you're up front i got to go in the back because i have the least amount of going on in my career you're the caboose dude yeah i have the least amount going on my manager would be like you're lucky to be there who's ever asked they tell you to eat don't start any problems you don't sweat you're not eating the ass bro you're just being hair as a receptacle it's a human centipede right but don't get sexual we're there to [ __ ] survive you know what i'm trying to get out of the room it's like an escape room this guy obviously works at the mall the middle this guy works at the mall where do you think he even come up with the question i sit at the mall all day smelling churros thinking about what to ask so eventually i i quit that job because i was like i gotta get out of the sales world which i've been in since i was 22 21 really i've been in sales and then i left it when i was like 28 i just on and off just mortgages and then copiers always been in sales and then the only job i saw guys like on a tour bus and they were just yelling at a tourist on a bus that was going through times square and now he's like well that guy can't have a boss there can't be any background check to do that job some of these tour guides in new york they were lunatics these people you know one woman i swear to god would just go on and talk about a knee operation and the people and they were trying to learn about the empire state building she would say she would hear her she'd go i've had nine operations on the same foot people would and but people were dipper and it was like it's you know she was an animal but people felt bad for her so they so they fill the tip cup up at the end so i was like oh these people are also in their own way con artist degenerates marginalized figures from society you know some of them thought they were historians some of them they were all full of [ __ ] you know these guys they barely knew anything i i was just like i'll go up there and make my whole goal was like i'll make everybody laugh so i would you know pass a building i'd be like what the [ __ ] going on in there you know i'm like you know i was like you know what were you making doing that 15 an hour 15 an hour but checks so that's bad so i know so i 40 hour work weeks i never left with a check over 350. okay but cash tips every day of either no money when i was lazy and didn't want to give the tour and a russian woman punched me in the stomach once because we were sitting on the thing it was jet first of all all the russians are poor they come in january february they have no [ __ ] money they're they're poor they come the coldest time of the year and then what you'd have to do a tour for one russian couple and the thing with russians is they're beautiful blue eyes like huskies but they have no souls so when you see because they have a hundred years of atheism so they have no salt so there's no you know so when you look in their face you see there's nothing there so i just sat on the bus and this russian woman said to me she goes you give tor you [ __ ] [ __ ] i said listen to the automated tour i said i'm not doing it today you're the only people on the bus she goes you get i pay money you give torah you give tor i said no you because i i could put it on the automated when i was being lazy and the automator would be like and the automated would was supposed to be hooked up with a gps but it was never where it should be so we'd be by central park and they'd be like you are seeing the 911 memorial and everybody would look out like where's 911 you know they had no idea because the gpa these companies don't care because these buses there's no repeat business right you just you you you bang them bill burt has a great thing where he talks about the guys who sell tickets to these buses they're all africans and haitians and they all have deep machete scars in their faces they make eight or nine grand a month and they send that all back to africa i think burr i i haven't heard of it but bert somebody told me that burr either talks about it on a podcast or did it does a bit about it but their their aggressive salesmen they'll fight each other industry and then once the tickets are sold it's over you're not going to complain about this what are you going to go find in the office and complain about what i said or did who gives a [ __ ] so if i was feeling lazy but if i was really killing it i could walk off the bus with 200 bucks in cash but yo i mean who doesn't have that weird fetish where it's like i would love to hook up with one of my teachers like my biology teacher smoke show yeah she was he was bad i did cocaine with a substitute and that's all that's as far as i got which is how old are you i was maybe 18 maybe like the year i graduated high school we were doing coke with uh one of our substitutes and was he a homosexual or she no it was a chat a woman yeah she was just um subs of the end dude what class she was an english sub so she was an idiot yeah so she wasn't smart she was probably trying to go out and sniff some coke and you know [ __ ] her way into the lower middle class she's [ __ ] her way into a little levitt house in long island good woman oh my god bro you got to play santa more often dude i would love to watch the small black kids attack they were brutal and here's the other thing i wasn't just santa i was selling obamacare because the thing was that you was a health care truck oh samia's got a [ __ ] game you would have to like get them with they'd be like oh there's santa and then you you get the kids in then you grab their parents you'll be like that's called a bait-and-switch it's a bait-and-switch big time then you grab their parents you'll be like listen you're gonna have a high deductible but it doesn't matter just declare bankruptcy you don't have to give them a fake name anymore um you know and you'd have to explain to the kids you know like this is this is a present that you're not going to realize the importance of now yeah so it was it was a dark time i had fun with it though you had fun with that i was younger i was doing comedy my life shitty your life's been a real piece of [ __ ] it's been it's been something okay you know i never slept in a ball pit but i'm not against it like i'm not opposed to sleeping but still man oh [ __ ] i don't know he's swedish he wrote i want it that way and all this stuff okay and he and he said that this is a time probably that you won't see any genius because the turnaround is so quick that nobody's getting it and ah i beg the difference andres carlson that's him and and i beg to differ i think post malone is a straight up genius okay well that's people around him i don't think he's a genius but i think he's a genius he is very talented musically they say especially people in the business like as fast as he can write a song yeah and how talented he is on the keyboard sure he might be really good and fastful but i don't know that those i don't know if those songs are going to last that's what all old people say that you know what i'm saying though have you seen the video this is what i love about like this is and you'll understand this because you've been in the business for a long time like ed sheeran's a guy that [ __ ] everybody up who just goes well yeah man you've got to be hot you've got to be hot and you'll succeed yeah and then you see that bridge troll selling out arenas oh nothing matt nothing means anything everything's chaos i don't even know why well he's good he's legit he's good but it's like it would make you feel better if he looked like shawn mendes so you could go well of course yeah but you look at this guy you're like oh i guess anyone can succeed literally anyone i mean he looks like a make-a-wish kid who didn't die and just grew out the hair and these guys are crazy oh he's crazy most successful tour of all time better than you two by 40 million beat you too yeah i just take your facts right back i'm so good at that that's impressive that's a real moment that's a real moment in your life like one of those moments for me i was santa claus in like harlem and i was getting [ __ ] on all day by like four-year-old kids and you can say black kids yeah they were there well some of them are dominican but they were just roasting me just shamelessly be none of them were happy to see santa these are hardened little kids they're like [ __ ] you you fat [ __ ] i'm like i'm santa you know yeah and i would jingle the jingle the bell and then every now and then some drunk would like dance with me and i was like this is a rough i hope comedy works out you know so that had to be the ball pit moment when your head's out of the balls you're like god i hope this works out when did you start doing comments 2010 what made you get up what made me do it the first time i was in the mortgage business and uh in 2000 knowledge educated uh no dropped at a community college uh to do percocet and sell subprime mortgages in long island which i still believe is the what i will return to i believe stand-up is a sabbatical from my true calling which is to work in a strip mall and have great lunches serious lunches and uh and take percocet and and and telemarket mortgages in the tri-state area um but i but that's also me a little bit older like if i'm looking back on my 19 years and stuff dude who the [ __ ] knows what would be on there bro yeah crazy [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah bro anything involving fire uh that you can legally discuss dude we used to do this thing for gipping where girls would put it at lsd in their vagina dude yeah and how'd that work out this was a fun school to go what happened this was a fun high school this high school people are pregnant is a real interesting crop of kids dude you got no heart people are drinking gasoline acid in the vagina you got no these are like problems i didn't even know could be problems i'm like i didn't even know these things could happen this is americano right yeah i have a [ __ ] and it was an old-school thing but i think it's coming back bring it back bring it back is it do you get [ __ ] up faster yeah yeah i mean you get [ __ ] up almost four you can even open your mouth and close it back interesting that's quick that's awake think about that yeah you put it in and then now wow that's quick bro the chipping who named it that's fast acting vagina yeah a couple of these broads that went hard let's go for chip and then what was that [ __ ] boxing what do you call it [ __ ] fighting it was first of all it was just some of your people who brought the business to town people got to make money i agree people gotta make money if you're gay in louisiana and rural louisiana you're gonna have to beat the [ __ ] out of another gay guy you're not designing houses you're not an interior designer you're gonna have to fight and you hope that some fans come in who are for gipping some fan gags that roll for jipin who think it's great i [ __ ] bet a hundred dollars on this dude enrique what times very small [ __ ] guy you can drink coke blood is she like a new age uh avril lavigne remember her oh yeah she did say that she likes avril lavigne i think is ever living no longer a hit she's just kind of i mean she died and she had some medical issues best case she died that's the best case having a venus dad i mean she's not only knows there's a rumor she's probably in a ralph's right now shooting heroin you know things haven't worked out yeah do you know she she got super sick with what fame i don't know reality yeah there was this disease called uh people moving on she had lying she caught it it was fatal you know i just tweet out are you well i mean i try tweet out things hoping to you know you know to get something and no one cares you ever get like yeah that's okay you ever rile anyone up sometimes people get people are carrying more now though i think people your career is getting bigger yeah it's been better now last six months yeah you know i had to really turn it up you know say megan mccain [ __ ] her dad i had to take it to the next level oh yeah yeah and then people were like oh okay we'll listen to this incest will get people to move yeah i had to say she had sex with her father's corpse and then people like oh okay but here's the thing about incest dude everybody's like ah no no right yeah but what i'm thinking about is um dude back in the day you didn't have the only people who lived around you were kind of family or somebody that was you know yeah close and you didn't have everyone didn't have a bicycle or like if you had a bicycle then yeah maybe you'd [ __ ] somebody that wasn't distantly related to you yeah but if you didn't you could only have sex with as far as you could walk or as far as you could yeah you know so you would people would have sex more locally yeah you didn't have a choice i think that still goes on i think that's still probably happening oh yeah there's some areas and stuff you go and you're like oh i think people are using that exact rationale too when they're in court they're like listen i i have sex as far as i walk and then there's a judge going okay sounds great yeah yeah but yeah yeah i only have one bike yeah i can't get anywhere look i don't have uber yeah i got a skateboard i got a skateboard another one yep that's great all right this is a pretty bad one this news anchor happens to be blonde oh the guy looks so pissed it just seems because she says that's his best friend that's her best friend they for like a year and a half that they've been on air together but i'll show you the actual clip oh she's done with this i wonder what her definition of friendship is i know by working is she gonna get fired or she good i don't know if she's not she'll be fired hey it's oklahoma it should be fun okay you have to see this this is friend we're about to show oh my goodness take a look at him he's a resident of the oklahoma city zoo and this week the zoo's eighth caretaker took over their instagram and we are all loving that they did and as you can see finn was fascinated definitely ready for his close-up right kind of looks like you were your favorite picture yeah so he laughed along with it she goes it kind of looks like you oh well you know roll down this is her apology and this is also interesting because we get him he's all it's fine but watch ferris she's embarrassed everybody's no she's not right him and that grill have the same eyes yeah he does look like that's not a racist thing there's a similarity in the eyes obviously the skin color is what makes it racist but carry on chin well we're all growing i don't know yeah here's the apology and then watch he there's something else to look out for i'm here this morning because i wouldn't have called myself she'll start crying but to our entire community i said something yesterday that was inconsiderate it was an approach she called him a girl and i want you to know i understand how much i hurt you out there and how much i hurt you i love you so much and you have been one of my best friends for the past year and a half and i would never do anything like curtis hurt you and i love our community and i want you all to know from the bottom of my heart i apologize for what i said i know it was wrong it's so it's so crazy i'm so cringy it's so crazy i do appreciate your apology um i will let everybody out there know that alex um is one of my best friends i mean we do what we do here and you know it's not as if we see each other here and then we go home we talk every day almost every other day um i've told you things i've shared things with you he's like also i'm white and gay so this isn't a huge issue somehow i'm a white gay guy so calls i've um the facebook messages as well and i guess coming out of this i want this she should be fired and then that lesson here is that words words matter there's no doubt about that changing demographics here in this country the demographics are changing what too much we're too much but out of control now we're not that's the whole thing wow now you're both successful i mean it had to be a dress huh god damn it it'll be good if she goes changing demographics like he goes changing demographics and she goes will you shut up you gorilla were you shut up about the demographics you hate god that would be funny people get lonely and mean man that's what happens dude money doesn't make everything it really just doesn't make everything great you know no it doesn't it helps sometimes it helps things yeah what'd they say somebody said help me make you warm in the winter and cool in the summer so that's what somebody said right that's a poor person saying that it's a homeless person's idea of what money is you get cool and warm it's like no there's many other things you get it's an insane that's like the lowest level of what money can do do you think you get water when you're thirsty and food when you're hungry oh money oh man you get mittens there's a lot of dudes in the closet those are the you know a lot of closeted guys yeah yeah well tim you [ __ ] on power uh the lead of the mexican cartel is gay in the show i didn't say i don't [ __ ] on it i said it's for people with 75 iqs and that is a fact it's for a simpler group of people it is not for people that demand a lot from entertainment yeah it's from people that are like oh that's a gangster and that's a gangster and then the gangsters fight and there's nothing wrong with that yeah um but it's a show for [ __ ] people yeah yeah a lot of adults that drink juice boxes it's a very dumb show yeah it's very dumb and the people who write it is very simple yeah i'm a gangster we're gonna build the empire okay black history month here's you here we go what is it about what's it even about literally it's it's just about uh these two kids who grew up just about immediately it's just about you're lowering our expectations we already have none it's actually about two guys who grew up together and they sell drugs um oh my god no i had no idea but the guy who he grew up with his um the girl that he was in love with when he was younger she works for the fbi and they um start dating again so it's like homeland yeah it's like billions and homeland and everything yeah but before they did it it was this was like 2011 when it started sounds good yeah i'll start watching that um i'll just start watching that in the break room at arby's the rest of the crew bro i want to say this man um one of the uh who is it though that's my manager i think he heard that i was fighting a trans person he's very excited how do you know it's your man he doesn't even have the number saved by the way no he's just in new york city i'm not gonna i'm gonna fire him soon he's not getting his numbers there yeah dude if your manager does nothing if he has time to call you during the day dude he's obviously [ __ ] not that big no he does nothing yeah he'll call me and oh it's crazy man he'll call me from vacation and start talking about his vacation i'm like can you get me a [ __ ] job please yeah you don't have a clean look let's get a question came in here right now from uh from someone let's get this hitter it's kyrie from rhode island and my question is for theo and it's after having both crystalia and logan paul on the pod i know there's some beef between the two who do you think takes it in a fist fight i think there's beef i think there's probably you know soy chorizo um no i think i think you would beat him i think if if it's fist fighting i think that logan would win i think if it's tickling somebody from far away with their feet then chris would win uh yeah he's lengthy both worthwhile thanks bro he can literally no joke from right here [ __ ] put his foot out bro yeah and [ __ ] way but same dude yeah i wouldn't give it to chris i wouldn't give it to chris right away bro no endangered species on the table bro would that hit her down no no it's a grizzly bear was killed to make those two shoes two bears a mother and a father him and jake strangled them both to death and then made those shorts hook them after me go after gucci go after gucci's fault [Music] uh [Music] oh [Music]

Channel: YINYANG MONKEY

Views: 367,959

Keywords: yinyangmonkey, tim dillon, tim dillon funny moments, tim dillon funniest podcast moments, theo von, this past weekend, theo von tim dillon, tfatk tim dillon, podcast, comedian, stad up comedy, comedy, joey diaz, tim dillon joey diaz, lee syatt, the church of whats happening now

Id: YU-uuunSOJk

Length: 21min 40sec (1300 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 13 2020