TheVarus Strakes Buck

[Music] [Applause] thank you thank you all of my children we're here today to test the launch of my new cyber rocket with this i pledge to you that we will have a man on the earth by the year 2013. but before we embark on this journey we must talk about some of the mistakes of the past so that we are not doomed to repeat them anyway it was a sunny day in downtown wuhan and people were coughing into each other's mouths you're going viral douchebag i'm a big man and i'm gonna pull out my dick february 2020 the virus is everywhere but some were sneaking out others not taking it seriously at all in my face people were outside going about their normal life get drunk before everything closes it was time for drastic action [Music] so the mayors and governors from around the world gathered together with a solution to the problem of sneaking out while grounded snitching hotlines snitches get rewards simply take a picture of someone and text it to the official snitch line to put those rule breakers in their place over here at wendy's instant justice some people need to get the message send a photo and we will make sure that enforcement comes right away but naturally many new yorkers did not take very kindly to this idea so they decided to text the hotline as well text after text came rolling in what a success let's open the first one surprise turns out people weren't just sending in tips they were sending the whole shaft oh jesus next one next next next just close it i can't it's just going faster text after text was the same pictures of people giving the finger dick pics edgy blasio memes this isn't helping at all sir our servers can't handle this amount of erotica all at once well save some of the more tasteful nudes on this thumb drive and shut it down and so it crashed but the snitches forgot the first rule of snitching snitches get unmasked by state sunshine laws in missouri they have them two weeks after their own snitching program went live turned out it was all subject to public record by anyone who requested it so not only is all of this information not anonymous or private it's published indefinitely on a government website with zero redaction oh dear of course i'm not going to put any of those details here but if you live in missouri and you're a bit curious links as always are in the description down below in washington and louisiana people were unmasked too in frisco texas they made an app for snitching as well but there was backlash and it was terminated in la the mayor's infamous snitches get rewards statement was walked back in victoria a couple was fined fifteen hundred dollars each for going on a drive to lakes entrance and posting photos on social media warned that if they do it again they would be arrested except the photos were from a year ago we're not going to get everything right all the time and we will make mistakes but worst of all was the uk nine coppers for one lap 194 000 calls in a single month had been made regarding people leaving their homes without a license and tens of thousands of fines have been issued the british frown down on telltales there's even an old nursery rhyme telltale tit your tongue shall be slit you make any more noise and i'm calling the police show me what you've got yeah and yet while normal everyday activities were being criminalized regular crimes were being made de facto legal good job police do nothing around here and in major cities it seemed as though everyone was going for the high score people aren't afraid to go out on the street at night what can we do to increase crime i have an idea in new york and la they experimented with reducing bail to zero and it went exactly as you'd expect but it wasn't enough so they said any burglaries up to a thousand dollars worth of goods would no longer result in the police showing up to the scene so you're telling me that i can steal up to a thousand dollars worth of goods and the police won't even try to make an arrest well well maybe one day if somehow they're identified but you want everyone to wear a mask too yes so people walked up to the buffet and had their fill if you could walk into a store grab what you want and just go what would shopping look like oh my gosh welcome to amazon go [Music] we call it just walk out technology [Music] take whatever you like sometimes when i call 9-1-1 nobody answer no lines no check out no seriously shoplifters don't seem to care who's watching once you've got everything you want you can just go [Music] filling bags and backpacks in the middle of the day you can keep going amazon go back tomorrow yeah yeah good morning tomorrow morning not enough crime release the felons so it was ordered anyone who had non-violent misdemeanors serving sentences of less than a year or scheduled to be free in 30 days or fewer was released and the results predictable one man only lasted 37 minutes before being arrested again another man was arrested three times in one day first were attempting to break into a vehicle next for stealing items out of someone's front yard and then again for stealing a vehicle and each time he was arrested he just moonwalked out of there for his seventh time he got arrested for stealing a vehicle so apparently he's not very good at it crime rates went right through the ceiling [Music] famous criminal time takashi 9 was released early from his 18 month sentence and instantly broke instagram and youtube records with his live stream and music video other high profile names asking for early release include r kelly bill cosby martin shkreli and our good friend billy mcfarland breakout time then some prisoners came together with an idea what's your plan well if we have an outbreak at our prison then maybe they just have to let some of us go worth a shot so prisoners at the north county correctional facility tried passing around water containers and shared a mask to get it it worked somewhat as 30 prisoners soon tested positive for the virus but then administrators cotton on to what they were doing and none of them were released speaking of people who should be in prison celebrities we have forgotten about the important people guys we're bored too they crave the attention they need it without it they will surely shrivel and perish but when everything gets shut down and they're trapped in their homes and can't get on tv they begin to go a little stir [Music] okay guys now i know we're all feeling the struggle right now without television and press following you around you need to make yourselves trend we need you now more than ever jimmy jimmy female jimmy you're the funny guys you must continue working from home your biggest competitor now is a swedish boy that reacts to funny videos on his kitchen floor sounds doable it was toilet paper it was a huge box of i was like a kid on the toilet on christmas morning 60 double rolls of heaven you get to play that fun game protected from the coronavirus or botched nose job or both everyone in here is gay hello everybody out there no no shut it down how about an uplifting song to boost morale this could be our generations we are the world yeah i can give it a go i love uplifting music thank you gal imagine there is no heaven it's easy if you imagine there's no heaven this is not the time when everyone's grammy's dying you fucking idiot they feel like they've that they feel like they did something significant she's so happy gal gadot whatever fucking wonder woman i lost my job at the meat packing plant but galaga does hang a man and it's a terrible version you guys suck at singing yeah thank you oh boy madonna how about an inspirational speech to lift those faces i mean spirits that's the thing about covid19 it doesn't care about how rich you are it's the great equalizer and what's terrible about it is what's great about it what's terrible about it is it's made us all equal in many ways [Music] and what's wonderful about it is that it's made us all equal in many ways jesus christ maybe just stick to singing because there's no more pasta oh no so we're gonna eat some fried fish okay not bad let's try somebody else keep it positive you know cuz the last shit was for motherfucking china thank you cardi you really are the voice of reason guess what bitch corona paris didn't get it real well that was vanessa maybe you can speak to your fans you seem to have a lot of free time at the moment like yeah people are gonna die it's just terrible but like inevitable oh god oh geez we're losing them you guys in your massive houses and complaining isn't relatable at all we need to meet them on their level i've got this cried for a second and i was gonna do it by myself and then i thought you know what it's important for everybody but before i continue add time the name's ray ray khan but you can call me raycon man dad look i got you a present thanks son uh let's go through the old football around in celebration of my new present wired headphones with wires why son why you're responsible never again gotcha wired headphones you dangerous bitch wait what huh i can't hear you i have my everyday e25 recon earbuds in i'll save you well there's another one don't worry i'll save you two now you two kiss six hours of play time half the price of other premium brands rake on good wires bad [Music] [Applause] will you seamlessly connect your bluetooth with me can i get a closer look wow i love the range of colors they come in of course i will let me just put them in right now wow they fit so snug wow i think i'll put mine in as well just don't insert them into other holes hey doc it's happened again good wires no wait cleaning is as easy as one two three what's wrong don't want to live in cyberpunk and have your brain all fucked up by 5g uh uh are you seeing this break on good wire's bad go to buy record dot com slash into another store to save 15 of your first order of the everyday even 25 earbuds from raycon and over banyan's humble yellow onions onion six bar onions gripping the onion like a tennis ball it's time for an uplifting story prim murti pandy 56 works at mumbai airport everything was going into lockdown and he wanted to be with his family but they were in allahabad and he was stuck in anderi east just fly no flights just drive not so simple roads are closed to all non-essential travel hmm what to do so he hatched a plan i'll become an essential traveler he started with the test case he hired a truck and drove 200 kilometers to pimp elgin bought 1300 kilograms of watermelon so good come to terms of the already large quantity melons we already have and sent the truck back to mumbai where he had a seller success wasn't stopped even sold the goods at a profit we're an essential traveler now boys time to do it again but this time all the way home so we hired another truck got an onion permit and this time bought 25 520 kilograms of onions and the article says he disguised himself as an onion seller i don't know what that looks like so here's this he then hauled ass 1200 kilometers over three gruelling days and nights through three states to get home he makes it now to sell the goods and see my family he stopped at the wholesale market just on the outskirts of town and tried to find a buyer for the onions except nobody wanted them onions anyone onions because of the lockdown there was a huge glut in the market look at that onions everybody loves onions onions onions no [Applause] [Music] daddy's coming home and he's smelling of onions by the late afternoon he just gave up and drove the truck to his house to be with his family however the next day knock knock it's the police oh no you're not here to buy some onions are you and they were not so he spent the next two weeks in the quarantine center and he's still looking for a buyer for the onions mr clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute mr clean will clean your whole house and everything that's in it [Applause] uh i need some hand sanitizer when the outbreak first happened there was one clear piece of advice from the who wash your hands both soap and hand sanitizer would work but we had plenty of soap so naturally we panicked about the hand sanitizer good thing that's gold that's gold and panic soon turned to profit [Music] people had seen the rush on toilet paper and they knew to get in quick and two of the fastest shoppers in the west were entrepreneurial brothers matt and noah they hopped in their truck and drove from town to town state to state buying up every bottle they could get their immaculately disinfected hands on hundreds grab a grab a grammar by the end thousands 17 000 bottles in all the plan sell them on ebay and amazon at a huge markup it was the perfect crime well until the inevitable happened everyone got super mad the new york times low on hand sanitizer themselves decided to investigate the brothers and they wrote an article the unsterilized masses made complaints i don't like this one bit please immediately and then someone went to jeff and told jeff made their online accounts go to sleep ebay followed now there was nowhere to sell their goods then the law got involved and the d.a said price gouging illegal me angry so the authorities called up mata noah hey guys hey good to hear from you you too afraid it's not entirely a social call though oh no yes price gouging illegal so what you what prison or philanthropy we're sending over a squad car now i have decided to give back to the community so the police pull up the media too and matt and noah announced that they will be giving it all away for free they did an interview for television and wore this amazing shirt the pricing on amazon was higher than it was definitely higher than retail would you say you're sorry no i don't think that i would note a similar thing happened in adelaide australia when a man brought up hundreds of packs of toilet paper and hand sanitizer then he realized he couldn't sell it and tried to return it all back to drake's supermarket drake himself told the guy to please leave i told him that he has a youtube channel by the way but this did little to abate the shortage of supply and overall price gouging but don't be too mad at these guys this small time is microscopic compared to giant oh sorry what i mean is compared to the brave heroes at the ccp there's an outbreak xi jinping you're our only hope so a call was sent out to companies all around the world especially in the west we want you to send staff out to every retail store you can to buy up personal protective equipment especially masks and ship it all back to china thank you xi jing all in a day's work the scale here by the way is just ridiculous millions of face masks 2.4 billion pieces of protective equipment thermometers seven hundred thousand hazmat also thrown out on a private jet we just wanted to ask you guys what all these products are and where they're going if you went out to buy a mask in january or february and notice that there were none left it wasn't just because there was a big rush on it was because there was a big export and then when other countries had a shortage the ccp swooped in to sell locally manufactured mosques back to europe and the united states at an escalated price only then later for them to be found defective and needing to be recalled got him again anyway back to the hand sanitizer specifically there was a shortage so new york governor andrew cuomo stepped in with the solution it's up to me he unveiled his new line of hand sanitizer open the curtain please nys clean a 75 alcohol strength concoction made by the humble citizens of great meadows correctional facility floral bouquet little i detected lilac hydrangea tulips what does it smell like to you tulip they were capable of producing a hundred thousand gallons every week it was much cheaper than any other product on the market mainly because the price of labor was pretty much zero other pharmaceutical items that disappeared fast were vitamins cough medicine and critically inhalers how many arms you vape in there it was tough for the asthmatics already picked on for their feeble bodies their weak lungs embarrassing everybody laughs at the asthmatics even if we you know pretend and say nice things to their face the next big one would be gloves once they were recommended there was a run on them too and once those were out there was a run on surprisingly condoms the thinking man's glove if you need to press a button on the elevator or push a trolley around the grocery store no problem just use your cock [Music] in a medical center in delhi there's a gang of monkeys scheming son of a bitch i'm in true story right some red-faced rhesus macaques tired of this situation go rogue they bust out of their cage and attack a researcher snatching covered blood samples as they make their way to the exit give me that no mojo no put that down bad monkey they make a break for it evading staff and guards and leap out the window to freedom one was later seen in a tree chewing on one of the samples in a further act of defiance another was seen chewing on a surgical glove apparently it's become a big problem in delhi monkeys everywhere they snatch people's stuff and even break into homes it seems that nature isn't just returning peacefully it's come back with a vengeance and if we intend to survive we're gonna have to learn to fight back so anyway with this knowledge we will conquer earth and rule over it once again oh no it's here and that's about it probably no part three unless something ridiculous happens like an autonomous zone in portland or the government shutting off utilities plugging the second channel again you bet we've got a feature length sundance region coming out in a bit over a month this one's going to be over an hour long so grab some popcorn maybe a little viewing party watch favorite streamer this one will be more fun as a group but before that next week there's a new in the field thanks for watching stay good infected

Channel: Internet Historian

Views: 3,009,933

Rating: 4.9513173 out of 5

Keywords: internet historian, thevarus

Id: P1FUMdHU29c

Length: 24min 26sec (1466 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 24 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/BlindJesus]

Two Internet Historian videos in one month?! It really is the end of the world.

[u/MoonStache]

The celebrities section. JFC.

[u/Delighted_Fingers]

Great use of Half Life 2 music in the beginning.

[u/Square-Ball]

Holy hell I need to stop using twitter and reddit as my primary news sources. I missed like half of these stories.

[u/BeautifulBarracuda5]

Holy shit the ad. The lore thickens.

[u/Fluid-Activity]

This video is hilarious but the whole “crime spree” thing is entirely propagated by anecdotes and sensationalist media. Statistics show that crime was way down back in March and April, mostly because most people are staying home.

The increases in petty theft, retail burglary, and car burglary are offset by equally big decreases in grand larceny, robberies, and home burglary. These numbers are usually between 5% and 50% increases, and real crime figures aren’t showing multiple fold increases in crime like many are suggesting. Also statistics from NYPD and LAPD include the 1 or 2 weeks of rioting/looting that took place. That’s a huge amount of crime committed by a relatively small number of people in a short period of time, totally skewing the overall trend for the year. It only takes a few people to fuck up a bunch of retail stores. Even with the looting included, most crime is down compared to 2019.

That said, it seems like the releasing of prisoners from Rikers was not handled well and there was no sufficient effort to determine who should be released and who shouldn’t have. Those actions were criticized harshly by the governor of the state. That said, 250 people committing mostly petty crimes like shoplifting in a huge city over a period of 3 months does not a massive crime wave make. There certainly are consequences to releasing people from jail into a situation with no jobs and high unemployment.

What is terrible is that murder is up in many US cities despite an overall slight decrease in violent crime. Many factors may be contributing to this like non-murder crimes being underreported, depolicing, or even strain on first-responders/hospitals. It’s hard to know right now so we can only speculate about this. Maybe retrospectively there will be enough data that we could try to draw some links.

Also the whole thing with police not responding to petty larceny and giving tickets instead of arresting people started before covid and even during covid it wasn’t exclusive to large cities. Nor were those decisions made my governors. Governors do control releases from state prisons but not the actions of local police or local DAs.

[u/ThlnBillyBoy]

Hands down the best ad reads ever.

[u/caliberoverreaching]

So Chinese citizens of western countries betrayed their hosts.

Reminds me of the Niihau incident

[u/HanzJWermhat]

So there’s definitely going to be a third video right? It’s called “the varus streaked buck” which we’d assume will be followed by “retrun of the varus”