THE TOP OF r/MURDEREDBYWORDS

breaking armed woman arrested after ramming a van into the White House fence she has previously been arrested twice for trying to climb the fence three failed attempts to get into the White House who does she think she is Hillary Clinton and then no one laughs he waits he's like Hillary Clinton [Music] the new Bloomberg covers a work of art and it's Marky Mark and the Zucker Bunch just sitting right there the apology machine Facebook says it cares is that enough what are you thinking about Mark oh that's a lot of code that's a lot of code Marky Marky Mark speak I am sorry [Laughter] do you accept insults you absolute buffoon buffoon a who thinks he is smarter than others but cannot spell the word buffoon dead bonehead we're deluded to the newspaper calling Steve Jobs out buffoon how embarrassing would that be oh no you messed up Charles Plan B is a personal robotic B designed to mimic how bees pollinate flowers and crops instead of saving the environment and helping actual bees let's spend billions on robots that do what bees would do for free what's up bro do you think I've peed one million times in my life heck no son are you freaking dumb boy you better get roasted the average human urinates six to eight times a day if you've been doing that since you were born that is 52 560 at the high side of that average that number resembling nowhere near a million had to have been configured by a damn awaited that's you you would have to be at least 348 years old peeing eight times a day to pee a million times or P 34 times a day and live to 80. if a 12 year old is roped by her father and the father takes her getting abortion the evidence of the crime will be destroyed he'll go on molesting his victim for years if however the child is born his crime will be discovered and she will be rescued from the abuse I don't know about that Matt Walsh I don't think I like a 12 year old given birth doctor oh sorry mate if I heal up your Stab Wound then the image of the stamen will be going and you attack it will go free however if I'll leave it open and have you very slowly bleed to death we might just catch this guy and prevent all future stabbings chicken pox at eight years and shingles around 38 years I'm still living saying no need to vaccinate one of my mates got hit by a car he lived I guess we don't need any of those road safety laws congratulations on wasting 100 billion dollars Landing a remote controlled buggy on Mars not sure how this is supposed to help us poor people here on Earth but great job Jen's is going off the money doesn't get sent to Mars idiot oh they broke out the I word it gets spit and put back into the economy just because the government isn't hand feeding it to you that doesn't mean it left America if we remove the church from tax exemption we'd have enough money to send her over to Mars once every two weeks forever not to mention it only cost 2.5 billion which is what the US military spends every 33 hours and we spend 7 billion on potato chips a year yet NASA is the bad guy LOL why are the world wars called the world wars when it was only a bunch of white countries beefing over who gets to control and screw up the world the most why does everything white suddenly become the world ah yes the world wars were white remember the white countries Japan China Egypt Libya Morocco Iraq Brazil the Philippines Thailand Vietnam Burma and Ethiopia in the world wars so white all girls with egg cups need to stop wasting money on bras and just buy some tank tops like the rest of the homies all guys with little wieners need to stop wasting money on boxes and just buy some panties like the rest of the girlies I agree with that one being a heterosexual during pride month is like being a Jew back in Nazi Germany Who Sold you this take because that is a bad one my friend that is a terrible terrible tank it's true a sympathetic gay couple have sheltered me in their attic for the last five days the Gestapo came yesterday and interrogated my benefactors but they didn't search the house at least not this time I'm putting them in terrible danger but I don't know what else to do I know what happens to those who protect breeders they know it too how long will they be willing to risk their lives for me I trust them I have to what happens when the closet police come back though what happens when they're forced to choose between their safety and mine right it doesn't come to that a crowd is marching in the street today I could hear them chanting yes Queen the walls of my Hiding Place I can't tell if it's the stomp of a thigh high boots are my own shaking but it feels like an earthquake an earthquake inside my own head God there's so many of them I need to stay positive but I can feel the spidery third of Hope slipping through my fingers why didn't I listen after homo knocked I could have left there was still time but I didn't listen there's no Escape now only hiding hiding and waiting for pride month to be over and seen this is an elementary school in Ireland within a decade I guarantee the Gaelic language and culture will cease to exist yeah the English who spent hundreds of years trying to destroy Irish culture aren't the problem 20 black kids are if your ex texts you I still love you I want you back what will be your reply see this is why I left you always texting you freaking exes thanks Jacoby tell us about your daily commute what makes it great what would you want to change hashtag city of tomorrow what are you guys say about that Spencer actually going to work on like the 7 000 people you just laid off is that what you want to change or is that what makes it great you didn't specify here Spencer I'm a little confused so I'm at a friend's restaurant for lunch and this guy at the bar is complaining about a dish using the word Bland multiple times like it hurts give some power he really knows what it means or the dish is actually Bland hint it's not I was having the same freaking thing and I've had it multiple times before so the owner walks over offers to get him a new serving Now new meal now dude just wants to complain and he goes I wouldn't serve this to a homeless person and with like a one second delay the owner goes well yes you strike me as someone who believes the homeless don't deserve to eat talk about seeing someone deflate hand fast well played thanks the angry bartender America was founded on Christian values in the word of God if you don't like Christianity then go to a different country and practice whatever you want Rey as the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Krishna religion as it has in no self no character of anonymity against the laws religion or Tranquility what do you say about that kalon kalon Kalan Allen with that Allen with a silent k I don't know what your name is but what do you got to say about that single woman's title Miss married woman's title misses unknown woman's title Miss married man's title Mister single man's title Mister a non-man's title Mister because a woman only has status if she is married think about it added an apostrophe to Mrs misters think about it and then go throw up that's entirely incorrect for men in the UK and other English-speaking countries Master is used for boys under 18 example Master John Smith when he becomes a man he gets the title Mister the women's title structure is similarly designed Miss refers to a girl typically where misses short for mistress the female equivalent of Mister not misters as you suggest is for a married woman in the early 20th century however Miss was reintroduced specifically to give an unmarried woman a title that wasn't as insulting as calling an adult woman miss or an unmarried one misses today Miss is usually used by adult women of married unmarried or divorced status which is safe to use if unsure about her preferred title next time fact check free go on the offensive there are really worthy causes out there which need help and attention by historically inaccurate styles of address isn't really one of them honestly climate change scares the heck out of me and it makes me so sad to see what we're losing because of it maybe you should learn some actual science then and stop listening to the criminals pushing the global warming scam I don't know man I already went and got a PhD in astrophysics seems like more than that would be Overkill at this point not just do it just do it just do it stupid he just just get science how much do you get paid for each HPV vaccine less than the florist gets paid for the flowers at the funeral for someone who dies from HPV related cancer dang Chad Trump's pick for ice director I could tell which migrant children will become gang members by looking into their eyes can he tell which white kids will end up being School shooters no such thing as white African you cannot claim ancestry from a country you murdered your way into Africa isn't a freak country in the most northern part of the continent of Africa white people are native to those lands and it's cold immigration you freaking idiot if there are no white Africans then there are no black Americans or Europeans during the 18th century the politician John Montague insulted rival John Wilkes by saying upon my soul will cause I don't know whether you'll die upon the Gallows or of syphilis to which Wilkes replied by saying that will depend my Lord on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress ooh but can I speak to the manager haircut wow I really can't believe how people could be so judgmental over a flipping haircut yes my hair has been different lengths of this style for years I've got nothing but compliments on my hair but then again everyone's adults are their own opinions but you don't have to be such jerks about it would you like to speak to the page administrator about this ladies a priest I know is forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders Lee's helped the priest to protect the purity of the men at Holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly the alternative is awkward for all involved thank you and if your eye causes you to sin gouge it out it's better to enter the kingdom of God with only one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell Mach 9 47 if a man's Purity is at risk in seeing a woman's shoulder you should plug out his eyes when is Hollywood gonna stop piggybacking off of classics by using a female lead and essentially remaking the same movies and for all of you feminists who say anything positive about this you're being taken advantage of by Hollywood they just see you as an easy target market Hollywood has become so lazy you know that Linda Hamilton is a leading woman in both Terminator 1 and 2 correct wait is that from Arnold himself men wear 60 boxers for three dollars worth of wiener women wear Victoria's Secret panties for coochie that ain't no secret no vaccine in my day or my kids day and hey we all got in survived I guess the older Generations were just more robust in the day's tender flowers if you hate advancement in the improvements modern technology has brought us so much get off Facebook and carve your whining into a stone tablet maybe some mothers are toxic because they're burnt out from doing it all alone because of absent fathers sorry I abused you honey but I was just so mad about your dad leaving and you see I had to take it out on someone close to me instead of going to therapy to manage my anger like a normal human being so you see it's really not my fault love you hun kisses at 22 most of my peers are financing cars traveling every week getting drunk every week well I am finding ways to increase my income connecting with people everywhere making smart financial decisions and still enjoying the present life is about choices at 22 most of my peers are having fun being cool having sex while I am jacking off to the Bloomberg terminal making women uncomfortable eating only unseasoned chicken life is about choices I'm heavier than a whale but I can float over a mountain which Emoji am I a company that doesn't let their workers unionize that's what you are ain't that the truth and it's a scary truth I'm a clinical neuropsychologist and have co-written when crisis strikes five steps to heal your brain body and life from chronic stress with Dr Jennifer Love ask us anything I'm curious you mentioned evidence-based but your book has a forward by Daniel Amen and in this AMA you direct people to the Amen Clinic I'm sure you're aware Daniel Amen is widely regarded by the medical establishment as a charlatan and modern-day snake oil salesman I'm curious how you reconcile your medical and clinical neuropsychological training with the pseudoscience that you're directing people towards at the Amen Clinic you're a piece of crap maybe you should move to Africa I have dual citizenship so I actually can meanwhile you'll be stuck here smelling of mayonnaise and waiting on your cousin to text you back for that dick appointment oh British urgently want the blood of the Irish people NHS says it is vital that Irish people in Britain step forward to donate blood they could try checking their hands oh God doomers will drive a two-ton hunk of metal at 50 miles per hour to the grocery store but be afraid to actually enter the store this is one of the funniest Doomer bits in my opinion for 99 of the population driving to stores is far more dangerous than actually going in them when it comes to automobiles we've collectively decided that they make our lives much better and so we have to live with the costs as they're unavoidable why can't we do the same with this virus oh boy here we go on average 24 000 people die each year in car crashes in the United States according to data from the national highway traffic safety administration covid has now killed approximately 430 000 people in the U.S I know math can be hard sometimes but it's important to acknowledge that statistically speaking covid is by far the deadlier of these two things it's not even close stay safe mask up uh but car dangerous why care about virus there's no legitimate reason to ban transgender troops period except when you're in a life or death situation and you aren't comfortable trusting the person next to you but that doesn't matter right Ryan the enemy has surrounded us and we have nowhere to run I don't think we're gonna get out of this I have a plan that might save us but I don't know if I can trust you hurry show me your dick it's the only way Brian the only way I must see your genitals keep your personal business preferences to yourself we put way too much on social media talk to your actual friends seeing as how you've documented it on social media I'm guessing it's not too personal to ask this did a lack of self-awareness play a part in your divorce eating chips with chopsticks is unironically Galaxy brain your fingers don't get greasy and it lasts for longer Fork oh yeah I'm gonna stab my crunchy foods and make them fall apart like an absolute absent-minded dunce fool clown Jester like a monstrous an idiot of Shakespearean proportions a cretan I feel like we cut it off before it got significantly better not to be that guy but this isn't particularly difficult if you can juggle that's really interesting are there other difficult things that can become easy Once you learn how tried my hand at Tick Tock this one struck a nerve vaccinate your kids vaccines work vaccines don't cause autism educate yourself woman I did thanks four years of college four years of medical school three years of pediatric residency 13 years of clinical practice Yeah but I Google we cannot encourage people to make more money in unemployment than they do in employment Jeep I wonder why giving people enough to live on comes out to more than minimum wage huh that is the best trade people who perform blood rituals and commit murders in the name of Satanism are guilty of cultural appropriation wow that is some massive cognitive dissonance on your part oh someone brought out the cognitive dissonance Big Boy words Satanism does not include blood rituals or murder Anton LaVey was consulted by Hollywood directors on how to portray Satanism he was in movies depicting Satanism why did he present it as such he was in Kenneth anger's invocation of my demon brother so you have trouble understanding the difference between a fictional film and reality then is that what you're saying or are you arguing that Rosemary's Baby was a documentary you don't think Universal Health Care qualifies as a charity handout it's people financing other people's problems hey Trent if your house catch is on fire I don't want my taxes to go towards financing your problems with my chair irritable handouts be a man and call around to get some quotes on quality firefighting Services you lazy Islam is a lie I'm an ex-muslim Jesus is the only way damn what SEC were you a part of Nihari or Pulau I think my family is Palau bro those are food dishes playing video games for 37 years and still successfully retired I'm thinking of deleting my son's steam account should I really do it when he has over 500 games how miserable are you as a person to delete something your own son enjoys does he play video games too much I guess there's better things to do like go out on the streets get involved with some drugs maybe pick up Hobbies like looting and rioting like the rest of the kids out there that hate their parents I'm 42 retired and played video games all my life video games don't stop you from succeeding in life this might sound weird but let your son be happy and safe at home playing video games go find some Hobbies of your own that make you happy if you can't seek help Prof especially on how to find your own happiness without ruining others no feeling in his playing he's just overrated guitar is subjective fellas I used to know people in the 80s that said Stevie was contrived Bibi was a soulless sellout and Albert only had three licks these arguments are as old as my guitar in this video if you feel it great if you don't that's fine too we all love guitar around here that we can all agree with why don't you just give him a chance I don't know because I'm not physically or mentally attracted to him and but he likes you or but he's really nice isn't going to change the fact that I'm not interested damn I don't think women know how much this really hurts oh boy I don't understand this you don't know how much that hurts stuff do men not remember rejecting women have they forgotten that they hold us to impossibly high standards of behavior and beauty that our personality alone is not enough for most men us being a nice person isn't what men list as their Prime quality in a woman how come we're rejected constantly compared to each other pitted against each other and pretty much just accept this and move on but the second we do that to a guy we're a friend zoning and we're shallow and heartless normally the men complaining about rejection would have no problem finding a lovely girlfriend if they just expand their idea of beauty if you're not a stereotypical hot guy don't expect to pull a stereotypical hot chick it's not every man's right to have an extremely attractive girlfriend it's not your right to have any girlfriend and if you wouldn't date a Woman based purely on her having a nice personality why the should any woman date you heterophobia just isn't a big deal the most I've ever seen heterophobia is from Twitter idiots neither is homophobia then dude I can get legally killed in 10 countries just for being gay are straights getting killed for being straight no I'm illegal in over 70 countries how many countries are you illegal in some people want to be oppressed so bad when I was in School in the 80s Ireland was just this dangling bit on maps that never got mentioned here be Dragon style in school in Ireland we just learn about all the ways the Brits terrorized and destroyed our culture oh that's a shame they should really find room for Math and stuff yeah we do math it's like imagine you have 10 exports and the English charge you the cost of those 10 just to rent land that they stole from you and outlawed you owning and then you end up with one food crop to support yourself on because it was cheap and could grow in very small spaces and then famine hits and what percentage chance do you have of surviving the answer to this equation is genocide my cousin got me a new shirt best gay cousin my daughter's always been a number one fan but this is not appropriate for her at all as for us we'll be taking all the clothes bows and bedroom decor down I'm really sad about this we follow biblical principles and this does not represent the Bible at all best wishes make sure to tell her the part in the Bible which says Love Thy Neighbor as you love yourself oh and don't forget do not judge or you too will be judged for in the same way you judge others you will be judged and with the measure you use it will be measured to you if you hide behind the Bible as an excuse for hating gay people or really anybody else at all you're not actually a Christian whatsoever and I will never recognize you as such decriminalize all drugs so when a violent crime is committed by someone high on drugs for instance driving high and vehicular homicide occurs or going into a violent rage while on meth the law has its hands tied and the victim of the crime has less rights than a drug user exactly when they legalized alcohol we literally stopped arresting people for driving drunk you can literally kill someone while drunk and they can't even arrest you just say alcohol is legal and they have to let you go slowly but surely turning into a militant state with this controlling Nazi government yeah you go ahead and do that my uncle was captured on a submarine during World War War II and they were tortured and you think Canada is run by a Nazi government because a few people are getting ticketed yeah do us all a favor crush your legs hold your nose and fart you might just clear your mind you clown Twitter won't let you hashtag 1984 a dystopian novel about an evil big Tech government that spies on everyone censors and manipulates speech punishes wrong thought and tortures dissidents for sport there's orwellian and then there's Banning references to Orwell orwellian oh look hashtag 1984. not only is this using Twitter's hashtag correctly but it's also the original title of the book before later Publishers numericized the title for book covers I got a puppy and it's clingy it follows me to the kitchen and everywhere I'm starting to lose interest in the dog so why is my puppy so clingy dogs are social animals and if he or she was raised by a mother dog and had siblings he or she would be used to a social environment and enjoy that if you don't have interest in having a come companion I would suggest that you find the puppy at home with someone who actually wants that kind of relationship and maybe get something that doesn't need attention back from you like a tablet or a gaming console or a rock you adopt or purchase a pet and then freak out because it's a responsibility of any level you're an actual idiot should police officers in the United States refuse to enforce executive orders on mask wearing and social distancing well that's a Despicable poll police enforce laws not orders mandated social distancing is clearly and unambiguously a violation of the right to free assembly it's the duty of all officers and all government employees to refuse to enforce unconstitutional laws and orders the fact that so many law enforcement officers are on record stating that they won't enforce social distancing or any new gun laws proves that they were full of when they said we don't get to pick what laws we enforce during the past several decades of the War on Drugs so it was a major assault on human rights when a small town Baker didn't make a cake for a gay wedding but big Tech monopolies using their power to silence all dissent is just a simple matter of freedom of Association that's the logic and it's insane yo this you oh hey look Matt wall said something else before let's simplify all business owners should have the right to refuse service to any person or group for any reason Matt you're a dumbass Kobe Bryant was a planned killing just like they tried to get me I dodge the Ambush don't trust anybody this is a big dirty industry I'ma be honest with you bro you whipped a nae nade and now absolutely no one knows who you are and I know you're going to read this because you get no Twitter interactions so speak back as a white Christian conservative male oh boy I support the school's gender-based dress code females should be chaste and not showing off their bodies leading upstanding young men to Temptation banned straight guys from driving if they can't focus in school if girls show shoulders how can they focus when driving by billboards with women jogging on them or passing women on the sidewalk jogging in tank tops or shorts giving them control of automobiles is a public safety hazard no new taxes no bonds no levies support spelling say yes to school bonds and levies bloody loud Sonic Boom over cams courtesy of whatever that was hi there please can we share your picture in our breaking news coverage we'll credit you thanks the sun absolutely not don't you have a vulnerable minority to go and terrorize or something how does it feel when you open the fridge at midnight but the only snack is you pick up lines are only for men who are hot hope you know that damn I really have no comeback for that guess we can call it quits and go our separate ways then just because you took it well I'll give you a second shot try again second shots are only for women who are hot hope you know that cheers when you tear out a Man's Tongue you are not proving him a liar you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say if you tell a man to get off your lawn you're preventing that man's freedom of walking wherever he wants if you threaten that man with a gun for trespassing on your lawn you're suppressing his freedom your analogy sucks try harder no sorry if you draw a comic but only allow exclusive members to view it you're treating one community of people better than others sorry but I don't claim that my website's a free speech platform oh neither does Twitter the biggest crime of the last 50 years as people fundamentally misunderstanding what the free speech is and what the First Amendment actually protects thousands of Chinese students ditch Australia and fly home uni has been hell for me and my friends thanks to them being put in groups where they don't speak English or even live in Australia makes matters ten thousand times worse LMAO every international student has to go through an English proficiency test called IELTS and a score of 6.5 is never accepted in any good University and any person who scores a mere 6.5 out of 9 has fairly good enough English skills so you're either lying out of hatred or you studied in some Lottie blah University that no one even knows no he's racist did you not pick up on that I have a pregnant wife who's demanding Sushi the doctor recommended against Sushi and I want to be a good husband but I also don't want to die Solutions I don't know probably just talk about how you make fun of abuse victims and hopefully she'll leave you problem solved Stephen God I can't wait for his meme to officially die one day I'd still do him word no homo no no every homo intended perks of being bisexual I'm not bisexual I prefer the term heteroflexible heteroflexible generally falls under bisexual though but I get you straight and says people will do anything to avoid being called what they are and yet you seem to want everyone to call you a wanker so a High School junior should make 15 per hour oh boy here we go yep because wages are about the cost of Labor not your opinion about its value if you get the kids labor but he still can't feed himself the taxpayers make up the difference which means we subsidize your stinginess we don't make laws based on what we assume a worker's life situation is we have child labor laws that address the age at which someone can or should earn a wage once they're workers they're the same under the law so yeah exploiting young people is kind of morally bankrupt anyway I'll never understand the thought process behind young equal stupid and deserves to go through horrible Boomers really just want to keep us young folks in a subservient position as long as they can before they die dude Chris adelphian meeting room Bible address every Sunday evolution is a lie and then someone posted a neat little sign that said if you have evidence to disprove Evolution then write it down get it peer-reviewed and collect your Nobel Prize should Australia look at change in its negative gearing rules I don't know what the negative gearing rules are 57 yes 43 no this man in blue says of course the Free Ride is over Boomers time to actually work for something for the first time in your lives then gentlemen in red says how remarkably stupid your comedies how do you think that Boomers created the wealth to place a deposit on properly you didn't create anything you were given it by your parents if it's post-war and then you squandered it during the 70s 80s and 90s on a consumerist degenerate lifestyle they poisoned our air ruined any chance of a stable economy for short-term gains promoted the kind of economic management they saw the greatest economy ever seen crippled with debt and literally left some parts of this planet too polluted to inhabit yeah the only generation allevia children were less than you had for the first time in the history in humanity you created nothing boomers are perfect stain on the scorecard of history and if it were up to me you'd be taking numbers next to a long walk Boomer versus Zoomer dude from Chase Bank you why is my balance so low bank account make coffee at home eat the food that's already in the fridge you don't need a cab it's only three blocks I guess we'll never know seriously hashtag Monday motivation then Elizabeth Warren that bag of wrinkles replied with at Chase why aren't customers saving money taxpayers we lost our jobs slash homes savings but gave you a 25 billion dollar bailout workers employers don't pay living wages economists Rising costs plus stagnant wages equals zero savings I also probably said Economist surrounds probably economists I don't know Chase guests will never know everyone seriously hashtag money motivation Two Dads Two Dads Two Dads gotta love the double dad ensemble I actually really like the term Double Dead meringue my children a double dead anyway from the unpopular opinions fair enough I really hate seeing children at gay rallies in most cases they don't understand what they're doing and what they're promoting I think most children are pressured into going to gay rallies by their parents and therefore pressured into believing gay marriage and then Mikasa blumpkins responds with this little gem I really hate seeing children in churches in most cases they don't understand what they're doing and what they're promoting I think most children are pressured into going to churches by their parents and therefore pressured into believing a magic man of the sky who will send them the health they touch themselves or eat shrimp oh my God I relate rp0077 I just got destroyed thought I'd share people who don't carry umbrellas in rainy weather why not do you like getting wet I like to experience how I make girls feel cold and irritated oh Donald Trump tweet get ready Boomers do all these being rapidly built the economy is great our country is respected again the wall has yet to start construction the Nash national debt is at 22 trillion and our country is a laughing stock of the world right now yeah but what if also the other one too well what if what you guys just both believe both things you all find this attractive LMAO they're the best gymnasts in the world I promise you they didn't get those abs to impress your dusty self oh sorry angry hippie foreign I just looked at his username at you want my D underscore annual nice if you have this decal on your car and I see you don't be surprised when you get a nice throat punch vaccinate your crotch goblins that's tough talk from someone whose entire family can be taken out by a rusty nail [Laughter] sorry that I laugh like an old man who's never heard a joke before but that's funny oh hey look it's Bob the city's in the background are approximately 16 miles apart where's the curve please explain this oh hey Mr murdered by words comes in with this circumference of 24 901 miles you're looking at a curvature of around 0.2 degrees or a little more than 10 feet at 16 miles away may I say that curvature is still significantly higher than your IQ damn I guess BLB could really use a wish right now I may just be very privileged however I have enough scholarships that I'm going to a very good University for free my friend who comes from a poor family and is Hispanic also has enough scholarships to cover the costs and is an RA meaning he's getting paid to go to college there are so many opportunities out there to get money for college that there's no point to be swimming in debt unless you went to Law grad or med school good luck in college suggestion take some classes like logic and rhetorical analysis and of course some statistics while you're there then perhaps you'll finally know the difference between data and anecdote balloon faced Chernobyl Challenger 1986 was a hell of a year hmm I was born at 86 is that bad I'll add it to the list of that Year's disasters another one on the board law you have never screwed a pretty girl ever could be said about any dude who ever screwed you LOL thanks literally hotler Amazon should replace local libraries to save taxpayers money via Forbes fun fact about getting books for Amazon you had to pay money for them anyway I'm off to pick up my library holds but you don't have to pay taxes cost to individually buy the six books I want to have on hold this week seventy dollars amount the Altadena Library special parcel tax cost me this week 75 cents someone help me budget this I'm not the chair of an economics department so I know how the hell do you say this guy's name time to butcher a name everybody says strap in I can't read things Panos more decoders I I don't know how do I turn my cat vegan I don't want her to eat meat because it's not right if you honestly want to do this follow these simple steps 1. give your cat away to someone who will actually take care of its needs and feed it what it needs to eat two never own another cat again unless you actually want to kill your cat by having it die due to your Crusade funny I thought vegans were against cruelty to animals okay we'll give that a half point we'll give that a half burn fatal explosions in Sri Lanka at Catholic Church is reportedly 20 plus dead 50 plus taken to hospital who left and gays just a friendly reminder strangers cared about your cousin's medical issues when you posted a thread asking for help with his medical condition don't don't bite the hand that feeds which is Reddit for you my friend churches calls out marshmallow for working with Chris Brown and Tyga Chris and Tyga respond oh hey here's the here's the church's post we are really upset confused and disappointed by marshmallow's choice to work with Tyga and Chris Brown we like and respect mellow as a person but working with people who are predators and abuses and Abels excuses and ultimately tactically endorses that behavior that is not something we can or will stand behind then tiger We're All God's Children everyone one makes mistakes no one's perfect let's keep the energy positive Chris Brown budget loses these are the type of people I wish walked in front of a speed and Bus full of mental patients keep groveling over your own insecurities and hatreds I'm black and proud and I know a hearts that you guys are struggling with life of Peace So you are forced to see my success you aren't even number two remember the second place only means you lost first Tata good day peasants hundreds of anti-fax families pile into California capital to protest Draconian immunization bill baby hey I know when all not vaccinated let's just pile into one big building and cough real loud this is like smoking while pumping gas it really is though dad forced to choose which child to save in Sri Lanka attacks but both die that's awful I'm sorry holy hell this is an awful awful headline a when you read the story he absolutely didn't choose which child to save and B how could you do this to a man whose children have just been killed don't you think he's suffering enough you freaking ghouls God I agree man that's rough after all the aftermath and destruction of the Notre Dame fire The Altar and cross remain untouched please explain to me how you don't believe in God after seeing this because the melting point of gold is 1064 degrees Celsius and a wood fire burns at around 600 degrees Celsius damn music facts and logic Ben Shapiro's style if you use facial recognition for anything the government has your face LOL wait until you find out about driver's licenses if America is such a horrible country why thousands of Hondurans trekken across the continent to try and get in because in 2009 the U.S government supported and legitimized a military coup in Honduras that led to extreme poverty violence and repression Charlie Kirk 11 from Jimmy rad hey guys this is the government office where you can apply for your free college they'll even give you on the job training work clothes a free place to live and three hot meals a day all with the additional potential of international travel to Iraq and or Afghanistan oh you don't like free stuff anymore I'm sorry but the whole join the military if you want free education thing is BS you shouldn't have to go through severe physical and psychological reconditioning risk your life or sign up for a war that you are morally opposed to in order to get an affordable education honestly most people fighting for free education aren't even asking for free education they're asking for affordable education you know like the generation before ours had before the politicians devoted the office screwed that up for us free education isn't free police say Bernie gets you a free education you get a nice job with your oology degree make it 30k a year but golly gee Willock is the government party about 65 percent of your paycheck to help other kids get paid analogy degrees it's never free foam roasted like I said I don't want a free education I understand how socialism works I want an affordable higher education like doing your generation and the one before it had before they screwed it up for my generation let me break this down for you annual tuition for Yale 1970 2 500 annual tuition for Yale 2014 45 800 minimum wage in 1970 a dollar 45 minimum wage in 2014 7.25 assuming you worked every single day for the four years of your undergrad 1460 days and every single penny you make goes to tuitions and tax deductions aren't factored in Daily hours of the minimum wage needed to pay for tuition in 2014. 17.31 annual tuition for Yale 1970 adjusted for inflation in 2014. fifteen thousand two hundred fifty three dollars and sixty one cents minimum wage at 1970 adjusted for inflation to 2014 8.85 this is what we're given to work with and we're called lazy and entitled when we call foul know why this is what we have to work with because your generation of the journey should before it decided they wanted to go to school for free or rather on the government's dime until they graduated and got a job to pay them back with reasonable interest rates great plan right wrong because that gave schools the free reign to jack their tuition rates up every year because now the government was guaranteeing them that money same with textbook companies who can now charge two hundred dollars for a spiral bound 150 page book that gets slightly rewarded and reorganized every year in branded with blank Edition that your school requires wires you purchase in order to get an online code to access your assignments for that course can't buy an old Edition that code has been used before by the way you'll use that textbook exactly four times all semester when I saw back at the end of the semester you'll get 25 to 30 dollars in bookstore credit for it they can do this because the government subsidizes it we decide to let them do that wasn't my generation and since then the government has raised interest rates on those loans exponentially because before where a few people needed loans to attend college now it's nearly impossible to pay out of pocket for your average four-year University certainly not for the middle class and even more so for the lower class that the right-wing conservatives love to blame for being lazy and not going to school and getting education to improve their circumstances meanwhile the average college senior is graduating with over thirty five thousand dollars in student loan debt with interest rates starting at four percent and climbing steadily from there into an economy where the unemployment rate for young graduates is at seven percent and the underemployment rate is at fifteen percent it'll take the average student close to 20 years to pay off that debt due in part to the interest rates but also due to the low starting salaries abysmal employment rates the rise in the cost of living the housing market crash caused by the exact same stupid government subsidy plan in the recession of the not my generation but the ones before it hurled us into so no I'm not asking for free anything I'm worried that such things don't exist I'm simply asking that we be given the same opportunities as the generations before so being called the entitled selfish lazy generation we are adapting as best we can to the mess that was handed To Us by a generation far more entitled than our own took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeper was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy that's it that's what anti-vaxxers sound like I taught my son that the world is flat and now school is telling him that it is round and he is questioning which is real now how should I encourage him to not believe everything he hears the problem is that your son now faces the issue of realizing at least one of his parents is a he has to realize that though he loves you he can't trust you to be correct about any questions he asks that's hard for him the more you push your idiocy on him the angry and more frustrated he will get my girlfriends are me expert impressive concerning how little she has to work with men are freaking dogs you could say that again they can be and women ain't any freaking better a few years ago I met a guy really nice guy probably one of the nicest guys you could ever know we became good friends and chatted off and occasionally he would call me to ask how I was you know the kind of thing a friend would do anyway one day he asks me to come to his house and look at his computer says it's been slow and maybe ate some viruses or whatever so I'm like yeah no sweat and we go to his house where he introduces his wife a girl I went to school with she drives us to dose me and get me to sleep with her I feel disgusted and refused so time goes by and this girl messages me one day to tell me her husband left it when I asked why she tells me because she cheated on him and he found out and now she posts this status message on Facebook men of freaking dogs I can do nothing but laugh my freaking butt off thank you for making my day all right get out of here I got my shoe I'm allergic to you the teacher ran out of sick days to stay with his cancer-stricken daughter so fellow Educators chipped in with their sick days adding up to 100 days that's cute Tales from the working class dystopia repackaged as feel good stories are getting old and just just let us we don't have a lot of good news can we just let us have this one semi-good thing Alyssa Carson 18 NASA's youngest astronaut in training she'll be one of the first people to land on the surface of Mars oh that's awesome oh never mind it's not awesome NASA doesn't select astronauts that early the minimum requirements are to have a degree and three years of work in a related field I.E geology graduate working as a geologist but can be substituted with 1000 hours of piloting a jet aircraft they get 18 000 applications each year and get to choose about 25. even being a NASA engineer doesn't guarantee you a spot NASA makes no exceptions she's smart she's determined and she went to a lot of space camps but she's not yet in the astronaut corpse training program I don't want to sound like I'm diminishing her but saying she's done NASA Astronaut training is like saying you went to Stanford when in fact you only did their month-long summer program a while back I heard my friend mail insult another dude by saying you look like a kind of guy who wouldn't go to Walmart to buy his girl a box of tampons and I still think about that crowning insults sometimes my dad once called another guy someone who thinks loading the dishwasher once in a while makes them less of a man I like it that already one time my dad's boss was giving him crap I always leave him work early so he could get home and help my mom with me when I was a newborn and his boss said I'd never change a diaper in my life really proudly and my dad responded I'd be ashamed to ever admit I was that worthless of a husband all men are pigs women are equal to men I asked my four-year-old daughter this morning whether she thought it would be more fun to have a job or be a mommy she said to be a mommy so I can cuddle my babies clearly she's already been victimized by the patriarchy I asked my six month old the same question and she said the false dichotomy and the premise of this question proves the ongoing need for feminism you would never ask a boy to choose between procreation and professional fulfillment yes neurotoxic vaccine given then baby dies from ischemia hypoxia I know I said that wrong caused by aluminum thickening the blood which is not allowed to flow through the brain baby dies from lack of oxygen oh hi researcher whose thesis topic was neonatal hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy Theory encephalopathy I gotta figure out how to say this word real quick because it's going to drive me crazy philopathy encephalopathy here on simple love in synthetopathy in simple apathy here in simple instant pelopathy here thickened blood from vaccines is not a thing in fact birth is the leading cause of neonatal hypoxia ischemia-related encephalopathy why would you I hate these words in fact birth is the leading cause of neonatal hypoxia ischemia-related encephalopathy which is typically prior to vaccination a significant portion of the birth risk can be avoided with fetal monitoring in labor well-trained birth attendance and intraderine resuscitation but no it's not vaccines really ever but honestly if Iran disappeared tomorrow what exactly does mankind lose literally nothing Well considering Iran is actually part of mankind that statement made no sense but since I'm entertaining your comment I'll teach you something you can blow up our end today but they will always be known for inventing the first water irrigation system in the world and also the first post office in the world the inventor of algebra is from Iran an Iranian scholar discovered sulfuric acid chess was originated in Iran maybe you've never heard of the Cyrus cylinder look that crap up not to mention all the contributions Iran and scientists have made to modern science if you only read headlines in Facebook you would think I ran into some backwards desert that should be blown into the empty parking lot but people who have visited notes like Colorado beautiful mountains and full of college-educated and cultured people their government much like ours doesn't represent the people I believe Anthony Bourdain once said that of all places he's ever visited the streets of Iran were the most friendly and compassionate unlike that last comment at this point there's no excuse for Baby Boomers still in the workforce to be technologically inept anymore it's just willful ignorance this crap is not freaking hard why is it asking for a password because you're logging into something Martha that's how it's been for the last 20 freaking years how do I do this can you show me no Jeb you can Google it like the rest of us you've been an engineer and working with computers for 35 years why would I waste time when some 12 year old Indian kid on YouTube can walk you through it far more clearly it requires one exposure to the concept of Googling to understand how it works your generation was smart enough to create a giant hole in the ozone but not spawned enough to realize you have the near entirety of human knowledge at your disposal just by typing a few words in give me a break I'm not tech savvy now you just refuse to learn despite most modern software being idiot proof stuck in your ways out of entitlement the worst part is after you help an old thought nine times out of ten they'll give you some kind of BS passive aggressive thank you along the lines of oh I guess you young people have to know something about those phones you're always on huh give me a freaking break Greg maybe we're staring at them because it's less depressing to be distracted instead of coming to terms with the fact that planet is literally dying it's not my fault your wife has a head gasket with you since 2006. go away and another thing that just gets my blood boiling is the ability to get into the settings completely screw things up and they manage to develop total Amnesia about how it happened what do you mean you set your phone to Japanese on accident Deborah there's like 15 separate menus you have to navigate through to get there I think it's because I got a virus no author it's not a virus the only viruses here are your rampant stupidity and the deadly pathogens carried by you unvaccinated and probably ugly grandchildren I just absolutely loathe that the people who decide if women should be executed for having abortions or not are the same people who can't figure out how to work a Blu-ray player with the instructions right in front of them ran off at its peak the Soviet Union was an industrial Powerhouse that was capable of rivaling the US economy all this despite the fact that unlike the United States the USSR did not build its economy up through indigenous genocide stolen lands in extensive use of slave labor my blank here's my article from two weeks ago on the 75th anniversary of Stalin deporting half a million indigenous people from their land for the survivors to be forcibly employed in Collective Farms I think that covers all three of your categories love the new Pokemon wulu they have a special message for all the future trainers I'm not your wulu sweater sharing is good for us you dumb freaking Seas Peter would rather kill me than let me live comfortably and happy on a farm please share me it's good for my health screenshots of wulu's um entry it seems the white fur that covers their bodies grow throughout their lives and it will fully grow back in three months even if the wulu has been completely shorn the fur is used for clothing and carpets and the like and it is very popular as a specialty product of gallery help me at being held hostage no pressure that has ever worked harder than me cleaning of the Messiah inherited Ryan Glendale nor Roosevelt fought the Great Depression and led us through World War II Lincoln saved the union you have golfed 156 times visited mar-a Largo 27 times and spend six hours a day on Executive time tweeting and watching cable news you may be the laziest president who ever lived a reminder that Catholic should not support or attend lgbtq pride month events held in June they promote a culture and encourage activities that are contrary to Catholic faith and morals they are especially harmful for children I'm a straight man raise a Catholic and your Tweet has annoyed me so much I'm gonna give some lot of hand Shandy in your honor thanks PJ oh look at that ratio on Bishop Thomas's oh my God let me get this straight you're asking me what has gotten better with the current Generation The Generation that snort's condoms and eats Tide Pods as opposed to the generations that made black people use separate water fountains and fired folks for being gay I'll take the condom trick any day hey remember when the Panama papers came out and reveal that all the rich people in the world are part of an enormous criminal conspiracy to dodge taxes and horde stolen wealth and offshore accounts and literally nothing happened that's not quite true uh the reporter behind the story Daphne dasay Daphne God I need to take a Jesus that's not quite true the reporter behind the story Daphne Corona Galicia galazia oh no that's not quite true uh the reporter behind the story Daphne Corona Galicia Daphne Corona Galicia that's how I'm gonna say it was murdered literal murdered by words murdered because of words no representative Justin Amash armich crosses party line's devote in favor of authorizing subponia for kellyanne Conway either place Crossing party lines with follows Constitution I've done my research on vaccines what do you think about pcv2 specific lymphocytes that raise the number of thtc and CD3 plus positive T cells in the blood of DNA vaccine immune groups I don't know if that's Alex Jones but I like thinking that's Alex Jones the back of his head looks like Jones and so God damn it he's Jones to me also education isn't a human right it's a service and we do not have a right to the service of others if the state went and back these student loans there wouldn't be there'd be less demand for the universities which means the prices would have to drop it's basic economics the right to education including equal access to college is stated in article 26 of the universal Declaration of Human Rights drafted in 1948 and reaffirmed in 1960 according to the UN education is a human right you are incorrect Roy Moore at his Senate campaign launch why does the Mia mention of my name cause people to get up in arms in Washington DC is it because I'm a staunch conservative is it because I believe in God and marriage and morality in our country children real judge more don't overthink it disgusting lack of diversity run faster I like that one that's good run faster stupid oh God one of these dude there's so many long like why is Murder By Word such a long just political subreddit I hate it so much this this subreddit is like disgustingly political how is serving impacted you Dad served in Vietnam as navy artillery mechanic spent most of his time in combat watched all his friends die when his PBR was blown up in the middle of night Hospital pulled out some shrapnel badly stitched him up and sent him right back to work on the next boat same day Dad spent next several decades drinking because that was what passed for mental health treatment at local VA office he had horrific nightmares for a long time and would wake us up with a screaming he doesn't scream as much anymore but still won't talk about his experience on Veterans Day while the military Twitter account is tweeting platitudes my dad gets the most expensive hard looker he can afford toasts to the lives of his friends never had a chance to live and answer they drunk and sobbing he made us swear to never join the military that's not even murdered by words that's just sad how is that if murdered by words dude guy imagine knowing a guy that can solve all your financial problems without asking for S his name is employment see that's murdered by words that's good that's a funny one Trump is the first leader in the history of the world to be attached for improving the lives of the citizens that voted for him Lincoln was literally shot in the head for ending slavery please stop calling me oh gay Simpson what are you gonna do kill my wife honey I'm glad when I used to skate as a kid my parents didn't make me look like a dork by wearing some pointless helmet generation snowflake strikes again imagine how nice you would have been without all the head injuries I asked my husband if I'm the only one he's been with he said yes the others were all nine and tens send bail money I get it it's a lot like going to a crappy bar I'm watching Europeans try to score on failing football is a lot like education the American version requires you wear your body weight and armor and there's still no guarantee you won't get maimed a trump official tried to argue that detained children don't need soap toothbrushes or beds to be safe and sanitary while on Border Patrol custody Somali pirates gave me toothpaste and soap every time I use they to refer to a single gender unknown person on Tumblr another piece of my grammar filled heart shatters and the pieces scatter at the bottom of hell they has been a singular pronoun for hundreds of years you melodramatic dipstick well actually no they is plural people use they when the people use they when they should use he she or it dense mother effort the pronoun they is an English equivalent for the third person indefinite singular and has been for literally centuries it remains morphologically and syntactly plural therefore you don't need to crappy little pantaloons and compromising your surely Rock Solid grammar rules I guarantee every freaking time you've ever had to refer to a person of an unknown gender you've used they subconscious sleep I guarantee every freaking time you've ever had to refer to a person of an unknown gender you've used they subconsciously the post clerk gave me a message for you oh what did they say but you only have a problem with it when people specify it as a pronoun for themselves because you're a crap Lord I freaking guess ramerized straight into hell can't goes linguistically ready for a world in which 50 DNA tests can predict your odds of earning a PhD or forecast which toddler gets into a selective preschool you can already do this with the ZIP code today at Walmart this girl ahead of me and lines card kept declining so the cashier offered to pay for it she told them I have a boyfriend and the cashier legit told her I'm trying to hurry home and watch some basketball right now not day job broke booty who the frick left this in my car and in lot 30 I I just want to talk many three-year-olds have trouble staying within the lines maybe if you practice coloring this total it will help with your parking I found out that my son is going to try and get himself vaccinated when he turns 18 in a month how can I stop him except that you have raised a son who is more intelligent than you how do you sleep at night knowing that there are some people in the world who don't like you with no underwear in case they want to kiss my white couples that adopt non-white kids if you're getting mad at someone for adopting a parentless child and bringing that child into a loving home because their skin color doesn't match then you need to take a good hard look at your priorities evaluate your life and ask yourself how you sunk this freaking low hey guys my parents are out of town party at my house this weekend at lspdb I what the police can't come though I guess we are actually pretty cool people to hang out with but we get it if nothing illegal is going on and no one calls us we won't come but based off the number of likes and comments too far it doesn't look like anyone else is going either yeah gee Jesus Christ calm Town 1882 I'm financially not the same as my boyfriend and it's beginning to bother me my family makes triple his family my mom is a position six ranks higher at the same company as his dad I'm coming here to Cal on oos tuition he's at the state school getting financial aid we own seven properties his family has two only two properties peasant and that's just our families I work and make quite a bit of money so I've been able to buy him upscale gifts and he only brought me a thirty dollar present on Valentine's Day and I'm still upset about it and not even on time because he had to wait for it to go on sale I have an internship this summer that's paraded at his dad's yearly salary he has no internship he's a good guy he's of the right cast he's in an okay major CS but I resent him for not being able to spoil me I want to have something to show off I don't want to be disappointed with the Zales ring down the road oh yeah you should definitely break up with him so that he can find someone much much better than you what's the cruelest thing that's ever been said to you my mother told me I should carry a planned around to replace the oxygen I waste vaccines literally injects you with a disease slash illness you could possibly have no association with just to fight it off my kids will pass oh they'll pass all right I'm unvaccinated my superpowers include spreading diseases I don't have do they make these in adult sizes oh oh wait there's no need a new study shows a rise in depression and stress among young people parallels the growth in smartphone and social media use opioid crisis Perpetual War mass shootings political paralysis economic collapse climate catastrophe soaring University cost structural racial Injustice nump all of them are fine okay iPhones however you want socialized medicine tell me again how good Canadian Health Care is tell me about the wait times for serious medical procedures did you guys learn anything from the complete failure of Obamacare my husband needed brain surgery world-class neurosurgeons removed a wedge of his skull used lasers to remove the scar tissue on his temporal lobe and then put his skull back together my biggest expenses were parking and snacks for stress eating Chief mode close your eyes and you can play any game in your mind even Paper Mario Paper Mario is trash close your eyes and imagine yourself being a more likable person and then open them in a weep my sister and I are having a mac and cheese battle to see who gets to cook it for Thanksgiving mine is on the left hoses on the right put your way there folks that you need to be in prison pedophiles believe they should be a part of the LGBT community ah I thought the Catholic Church opposed the LGBT community op is a janitor a redditor had his back covered so do you find people treat you differently when they learn of your profession yes I've had Tinder dates up and leave after finding out what I do for a living so in that instance the the trash took itself out a new book saying Trump wanted to fire Ivanka from her White House shop leaves out some important details like what is ivanka's White House job I think in my paycheck like Mana in a video game once you run out you gotta chill for a bit and give it time to recharge uh paycheck oh sorry I live in Canada where we spell things correct Lee I understand the confusion though what a polite way to say Frick you to the people that say women get ropes due to the way they are dressed this is my dog his favorite food is steak he is eye level with the plate he won't get any closer because I told him no if a dog is better behaved than you are you need to reevaluate your life feel free to share my dog is adorable ah comment or DM me if you're a spoiled Millennial who thinks you owed anything you owe me two contractions I don't know what that what the I cheated on my husband and now I'm pregnant my husband doesn't know should I keep the secret okay yeah keep the secret wait till the kids three and looks nothing like you or him then divorce him and see child support for a kid that isn't his it's your golden ticket to a financially secure life which let's face it is probably the only reason you got married in the first place the take the man's home and half his crap haven't you cracked on him enough by cheating on him and getting pregnant you obviously don't love him no matter what you may be telling yourself he will be devastated but he will heal and move on much more easily than he would if he were forced to raise a kid that isn't his and is a product of his wife's Affair I had a friend this happened to his wife got pregnant with his best friend's child as the baby grew into a toddler it was heartbreakingly obvious that the kid was not his as it looked just like his best friend the fact that you were even thinking about not telling him is sad and selfish he deserves to know and you don't deserve him to stick around and help you fix your mistake Francis EU Minister named her cat brexit because he meows loudly to be let out but just stands there when I open the door this New York student wanted 250 grand prize for his research on the devastating microorganism which caused the Irish potato famine calling the Brits a devastating microorganism is a little weird but I'll take it need books no worries donate plasma pay for your education with blood no really I wish America would build a Thunderdome so impoverished students could fight to the death over free tuitions they already have Iraq for that happy anniversary Tim is the sex change done yet oh you're confused they're not taking the whole thing I'm I'm an organ donor and they're going to take several inches off this huge thing to donate to the less fortunate aren't you on a waiting list autistic people how do you feel about those anti-vaxxers using your illness genetic disorder to promote their agenda serious person with Asperger's here there are a few things that anti-vaxxers don't realize people with Autism aren't stupid we may be a little different slash see the world differently but we aren't stupid two vaccines don't cause autism three your child isn't an idiot because vaccines gave him autism your child is a stupid little Frick because he shares DNA with you Karen Steve Irwin wouldn't want us to attack Peter we're meant to be kind to animals I use this to help with my homework fourth grade is a toughie man fourth grade is tough I needed this laugh just you wait until you get to your junior year of college kiddo imagine being an adult trying to one-up a nine-year-old horrible does say if there's fluoride in the water thanks for your feedback to Quan the app also doesn't forecast the weather or report on sporting events it's an app for choosing healthy food and losing weight a Florida abortion bill would require a judge to rule if a teens mature enough to terminate pregnancy ah that woman is immature let's give her a kid Florida Millennials are treating pets like their firstborn child and it's reportedly causing problems for some of the best known pet food brands younger people are treating their pets like living breathing freaking animals and it's reportedly causing problems for some of the best known pet food brands that have been selling garbage fillers that barely qualify as nutrition there fix your crappy headline but uh bro you're literally a package delivery guy here as if that's something to be proud of well now it actually is don't be a you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for trying to put down someone's profession especially if the position is unionized and gets great pay and benefits UPS or tenured government jobs with amazing benefits and pay USPS the mail carrier is an amazing career to have if you can work your way up any job is better than no job and you trashing someone for working says a lot about yourself be it an office job or mopping McDonald's every job where some someone is trying to make money honestly deserves respect you look like an idiot delete your comment right so I got into a fight with my auntie and she said at least I don't have to worry about my kid being a fogged like your mum does and then we have the aunt saying I hope I didn't upset you earlier that was not my intention you need to stop being so sensitive I did not mean in a bad way I just mean you gay people have a lot of drama I try to understand this by crap you claim to be but you teenagers make stuff up all the time you're young you'll find a man who can change you used to be so clever if you think you can't accept my help don't come to Indy's birthday I I do not want you ruining the day hi Aunt Marie don't worry about it I know what you're like after a few bottles of wine I can't make Indy's birthday I'm afraid I have a huge lesbian orgy that me and the other have been planning it for months by the way how's your divorce going I saw Uncle Lee with his new girlfriend she's 20 years younger than you right speak big soon and then we've got mum saying Charlotte Louise what the freak have you done now and we've got Dad saying why do I have three missed calls from your mum and then we've got Holly saying seriously what the frick is wrong with you how dare you speak to my mum like that I'm late to the NYPD press conference because I couldn't find a non-muslim cab or Uber when Lyft driver for over 30 minutes this is insanity imagine telling your boss sorry I'm 30 minutes late for work because of how racist I am disabled parking should only be valid during business hours nine to five Monday to Friday I cannot see any reason why people with genuine disabilities would be out Beyond these times we're disabled Daniel we're not werewolves Millennials are so helpless they're taking adulting classes to learn how to do things like sew a button we figured taking a class was more polite than bombarding our kids and grandkids with mundane questions like how do I delete my emails my computer is so slow or what's a gif that these Millennials are so freaking stupid that they take classes to learn things that they don't know whoa what idiots are people run from rain but sit in bathtubs full of water Charles Bukowski wow Bakowski is so profound do you also bathe fully closed you dink head oh isn't it funny that a person will eat when they're hungry but will duck if you throw an Apple at their face you're a nice kid and all I enjoy your videos and and I like your sense of humor also at the risk of sounding gay you're a fairly good looking guy so no need to be self-conscious and take this personally however that mustache if it can so be called make my heart hurt you look like you're being haunted by the ghost of a massage you look like you're heavily in mustache dad that mustache defies the properties of physics because it has the force to make me cry but has no Mass um no I don't agree I think it suits me I think it looks fairly um fairly awesome also who's that guy he looks Epic I hate when straight men ask openly gay women how you know you don't like weiner if you ain't ever try it bro how you know you ain't lightwean if you ain't never try it see how stupid that stuff sounds man come here let me put this strap in your booty we finna answer that right now at play OverWatch hi team my daughter created a new character her name is burst she'd love to know your thoughts our artists were so inspired by this that they created their own fan art hope your daughter loves it the OverWatch crew just made something adorable like I'm an actual freaking artist and so are a million goddamn other people on the planet and the person being recognized for their art by a game company is a freaking child nah so much F that well if the criteria for recognition is being an effing child I'd say you still have a chance hashtag surviving cardi B spreads online after rapper claims she used to drug and Rob men people have been paying her for her people have been paying for her music for the last two to three years and all of a sudden her robbing people is news at this point there's no excuse for a baby boomer to be technologically incompetent anymore it's just willful ignorance this stuff is not effing hard why is it asking for a password because you're logging into something Martha that's how it's been for the last 20 freaking years how do I do X can you show me no Dale you can Google it like the rest of us it requires one exposure to the concept of Googling to understand how it works your generation was smart enough to cause a total economic collapse out of malice but not smart enough to type in a few words I guess I'm just not tech savvy no you just refuse to learn because like in most things you are stuck in your ways the worst part is after you help an old f with some sort of tech BS nine times that I tend to give you some kind of BS passive aggressive thank you like oh I guess you young people have to know something about those phones you're always on huh give me an effing break Gretchen I have depression from living in the economy you created and my phone is more of a reprieve than dealing with your stubborn and considerate a and another thing that just gets my blood boiling is their ability to get into their settings completely F things up and then manage to develop total Amnesia about how it happened what do you mean you set your phone to Japanese on accident Phil there's like 15 separate menus have to navigate through to get there I think it's because I got a virus no Greg it's not a virus the only viruses here are your rampant stupidity and the deadly pathogens carried by your unvaccinated grandchildren I just absolutely loathe that the people who decide if women should be executed for having abortions or not are the same people who can't figure out how to work a Blu-ray player with the instructions in front of them president Trump ever closed ability makes good as a kid with it if Mexico doesn't stop if that's easy to close the border with Mexico why do we need a 50 billion dollar wall plus people can still just enter from the other two mexicos boyfriend took me to get undies and he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud I can't wait to rip these off with my teeth and I replied with seriously you need to stop you're my brother I won president Trump was remarkably scrolling in he was joint press event with Senator McConnell his grasp of the issues is very deep and growing I assume your spell check is in the hospital battling cancer so he abandoned it it's always the guys with big trucks guns and small penises who are convinced everyone else's beta I drive a car love how that is the one thing you corrected it man drugged and robbed by cardi B says it was still better than listening to her music that's two for two for cardi B two for two God meant for women to be more Chastity if naughty would have created a means for checking men's virginity luckily we developed Twitter so we can just read tweets like these to tell when you're a virgin croissant LaGuardia are going for seven dollars a piece yet some people think getting a whole hour personal dedicated human labor for 15 is too expensive oh the humanity here's the answer government mandated free croissants for all and we'll just force the Beggars to give all their time for free hashtag socialist logic hashtag April fools GOP taking every tweet so earnestly making my point for me it's not an argument against the price of the croissant it's about the value of human worth but I guess the idea is foreign to them since their politics treat people as disposable anyway dear kids I'm a baby boomer we are getting old but at least we had sex drugs and rock and roll seems like Millennials have moral panics workshops and grievance circles time to Rebel XX mom getting your generation slap warning stickers on albums for saying bad words and have meltdowns about satanic Cults being in Nursery schools there's nothing we can ever give to the Democrats that would make them happy this is the highest level of presidential harassment in history of our country you're gonna have some dumb a-hole constantly asking to see your birth certificate because he doesn't believe you were born in the U.S my favorite thing I learned in college is that way back in ancient China there was this poet slash philosopher guy who wrote this whole pretentious poem about how enlightened he was and that was like the eight wins could not move me blah blah blah and he was really proud of it so he sent it to his friend who lived across the lake and then his friend sends it back and just writes fart or the ancient Chinese equivalent on it and he was so mad he travels across the lake that she was friend out when he gets there his friend says wow the eight wins could not move you but one fart sends you across the lake there should be a zoo of drunk white people doing stupid stuff it's called Florida as a Florida resident I cannot confirm nor deny this but I will say we do charge when people enter when I went to school we had dress code of skirts and dresses nothing above the knee only the middle of the knee any shorter you were sent home to change and get back to class and make up the time after school I'm proud to say that in high school no one got pregnant back in your day soda had cocaine in it and black people had no uh yish black people had no rights the good old days weren't that good lady let Society progress I think I'll trade teenage pregnancy for blind people having rights I think that's a good deal let them have rights and yeah everyone's Fair hashtag teens what do you think hashtag Jesus's favorite hashtag gun would be emoji with a Halo holding a revolver at GOP teens a nail gun from at literal Edge Lord not hashtag funny consider yourself hashtag blocked #got em see this here he's turning right on a red light that is America's only contribution to western civilization introducing the thing you never asked for but definitely always wanted Tinder height verification coming soon read more about it here cool with this just add a weight verification as well for the ladies who love to show those old pics Puerto Rico got 91 billion dollars for the hurricane my money that has ever been gotten for a hurricane before in other local politicians do is complain and ask for more money the polls are grossly incompetent spend the money foolishly corruptly and only take from the USA Puerto Rico is the USA you racist lout it makes my heart smile when two ugly people find each other and fall in love so who's the lucky guy Laura Ingraham guess says trans people will quote destroy gender Norms to create quote new species human and part machine part machine they're trans not Transformers you idiot got your hands on the Galaxy S8 show us the first photo you took it was a dick pic um that's murdered by emojis my man forget murdered by words my man was murdered by emoji happy Mother's Day to all of the single fathers out there who have had to raise their kids without a mother today is about mothers why do men always have to try and take everything away that's just for women you're one to talk blanks raised two great children all by himself he does school bake sales cooks dinner cleans and does his daughter's hair before school your four kids all live with your parents because you can't stay out of jail for more than six months he's more of a mother than you'll ever be dear guy who just made my burrito have you ever been to Earth on Earth we use the word burrito to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat pretty simple stuff and I'm surprised you at least got that part right my burrito was in fact filled with food in this you and I agree and are friends but this is also where my lifelong hatred Begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours as because that should have killed you but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today let me explain you're an idiot let me explain further burritos are eaten from one end to the other so that means when you assemble a burrito with mother effing zones of ingredients going that direction you create a disgusting experience for the burrito's end user when you make a burrito you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise that way every bite has at least an effing chance of getting at least two types of ingredients and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro Cavern have you ever eaten one of the things you make all effing day you you should try one they are pretty good when you are not willing yourself through the effing Empire of sour cream only to end up in lettuce country what is country when you eat a burrito you don't stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like an effing Rancor humans can't usually dislocate their jaws and I'm not nothing Pelican but you must think that's how it's done since that would be the only effing way to take a bite if your crap stressity and have it taste like a burrito and guess what else player you probably can't guess anything because I'm pretty sure you're just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some stuff into a tortilla but just in case here's what humans also don't eat burritos like an effing corn on the cob like a effing typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then ding next line but today I wish I tried that because at least then I'd be able to eat some rice than beans to be like hey beans I'll be right back just going over here to the guacamole for a second nope my experience was more like hey beans it's just gonna be you and I for a minute until I can effing excavate the rice from beneath you but by then you'll be a fading memory oh hey I was wrong I'm in the Epic chiso sphere now rice must be next I hope it's not another epic salsa pocket you build this thing like a pack of Lifesavers and don't even freaking think I'm about to open this stuff up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees I already put a hole in it with my mouth yeah that's how I discovered you suck at looking at things I am not going to do freaking tortilla origami to get this stuff back together only to end up with a burrito that's been shot in the gut and is bleeding you're ineptitude what's that I should ask you to mix it up first next time is this Jamba Juice I don't want to drink my effing burrito through a Bendy straw and I don't want to pile a burrito soup in a flour can I just want a burrito in conclusion you are the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe you everyone everywhere an apology for this burrito Abomination and I hope your babies look like monkeys update for everyone who just said just eat it with a fork a freaking Fork I didn't order the freaking cold burrito salad if anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork they would be wearing a brand new burrito hat from my fall collection 10 seconds later that's like buying a car and having them hand you a freaking wrench with the keys like yeah we know this car is going to explode and be spread across eight Lanes as soon as you hit the gas but we gave you a wrench so be cool Jesus already gave me two burrito Forks one at the end of each arm they're called hands a fork my God I haven't cried since I was six but I'm sobbing now people eat burritos with forks God is sorry he made us the England football team visited an orphanage in Russia yesterday it's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope said Vladimir aged six hashtag England squad yeah they had us the first half I'm not gonna lie sisters and brothers are at some point attracted to each other and that's facts we all have a little crush on our brothers and sisters at some point what kind of Leonard Skynyrd Confederate flag flying outside of every trailer Chevys God man this man's got so much to say what kind of Leonard Skinner Confederate flag flying outside of every trailer Chevy cymbal chest tattoo Maga hat wearing six-year-old son still in diapers life is like a box of chocolate sweet tea brew and moonshine running Mountain Dew drinking NASCAR loving pile of empty Bud Light cans in the passenger seat of the Beatdown pickup stuff is this and scene girls I like versus girls that like me boy who the f said I liked you

Channel: EmKay

Views: 983,060

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes, compilation, Insaneparents, tumblr, Murderedbywords

Id: LXv9Z4HZWY4

Length: 76min 41sec (4601 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 20 2023