The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson 23rd Anniversary Special 1985

[Music] the following program is an MVC special presentation from Hollywood starring Johnny Carson tonight we celebrate 23 years of late-night entertain [Music] with Doc Severinsen at the NBC Orchestra by right from the path by sharing our 23rd anniversary TONIGHT are Jack Benny Betty goodness any Murphy [Music] Don Rickles George see Scott Jimmy Stewart Betty White and his person company by Garry Shandling Ronnie shakes and Louie Anderson and now ladies and gentlemen here's Johnny [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] very very very very nice of you and I accept that applause for all the members of The Tonight Show I thank you while your reaction is nice that ovation is personally fulfilling I was hoping for a watch as head pointed out this is our 23rd anniversary I checked into the anniversaries 25th is silver correct 50th is gold I just found out while ago what the 23rd is glad wrap now we're walking out of the office and I had my secretary Drew Welsh my assistant says gee you look so wonderful and I said we all look the same guys now when women dress up formally they look new beautiful gowns and so forth guys put on the same outfit we look like professional mourners or something now personally the only time I wear a tuxedo is during my wedding yes if I'm doing a television show obviously you can tell this is not a wedding because if this was my wedding you would see somebody with an m16 so now I must now I came in from Malibu today do the show here in Burbank and I must apologize was backed up for miles traffic and I want to apologize to Bruce Springsteen because I realize most of people were driving here to see the show so Bruce's concert starts late tonight you'll know those people coming here this is we're on prime time tonight you don't want to call it primetime no because they don't dare call it us choice you've all seen Back to the Future tonight this is full speed to the past 23 years I'm getting a little nervous give heard that expression 23 skidoo no not yet no 23 years on the air 1962 when we started in October 1 1962 it's kind of a simpler time in television of course television came in those years too sex and violence was the day they let Julia Child's hack up a chicken you know when I started the show dr. Ruth Westheimer was a virgin why that's right yes I was when I started this show Phil Donahue was just a teenager practicing in his room with the hand mic running around to get over the things that have happened in 23 years when I started this program music fans call Pat Boone the boss I mean that time the biggest scandal in baseball was Sandy Koufax eating pork [Applause] huh now those of you who remember the early days of television I mean television was different in those early days right dad shows like name that tune wheel of fortune the price is right let's make a deal I'll stay over the years I've seen I've seen him come and go and that's just in my house [Applause] I could I'm sorry I couldn't resist that one in 1962 Ronald Reagan was on Death Valley days sitting behind a mule team now he's got the same view of Congress believe me the President Reagan was going to be here tonight but he's busy he is negotiating with Moldavia for the release of Alexis [Applause] I didn't interview the other day if somebody asked me why the shows lasted so long I really don't know I thinks probably because I guess I I don't mean it to go egoist istic Lee but I guess I probably cater to all tastes now for you satanic message bus if you run my monologues backwards you'll come across jokes we actually originated the first broadcast from the show and we were there for ten years in the studio 6b in New York City we came out to California in 1972 and I Love New York I love California it's a different lifestyle in California right it's laid-back go to New York what do they serve ballgames hot dogs and beer go to ball games out here they sell Kishin artichokes with dill sauce and New York Street walkers are different I mean New York Street walking for example want cash out here the ladies evening will give you 7.7 percent financing a lot of people connected with a show a lot of sass been with us since we started I do want to thank my producer for Peterloo Sally my executive producer Fred de Cordova who is stuck with me through thick and thick and through the years I have learned to lean on Edie and it is learn to lean on everything dr. burns has been with the show since it started New York for 23 years right lotta guys live and we've been in the show 10 or 15 years right yeah Tommy Newsom III discovered about 20 years ago he was at that time Tommy was a charisma coach to Bartles and Jaymes and I was trying to figure out all the shows we've done you realize over 65 5000 times I have said to somebody on the show does this film clip need setting up and I think about 12,000 461 times I have said the following we'll be right back which we will tonight we've got a lot of great moments in The Tonight Show for you we have three of the most inventive brightest young comedians who more or less got to start on The Tonight Show mr. Garry Shandling Ronnie shake some and Louie Anderson are with us [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the anniversary sooner once again [Applause] red look at where does that go anyway we are back we've got a lot of things to show you tonight the problem when we put the show together is trying to figure out what to leave in and what but not to show a lot of people have their favorites if we don't show them they get upset sometimes I say oh we saw that but you just try to put things together kind of represent some of the things that we had fun with the past 23 years I have done President Reagan frequently on the show first one we did I think was mr. Reagan's neighborhood we had them we had the president on family feud one night and we did this and the presidents got a great sense of humor about as a matter of fact I had Freddy DeCordova send mrs. Reagan a picture to the president a couple of months ago where I was head was in full makeup as you will see in a moment and he signed it for me in Senate act so he's got a sense of humor this sketch is one of the favorites of most people they asked to see it and what is it it's the President Reagan getting ready for a press conference I should point out Federer is it Fred Holliday who was the other actor in here and you should remember the time we did this sketch James Watt was then the Secretary of the Interior so here's our first little uh look back into the past President Reagan's press conference [Music] [Applause] [Music] well how would you would you send him Jim Baker please morning mr. president good morning GM justjust sit down there yes sir mr. president your press conference is scheduled to begin in an hour so we only have a short time for me to brief you on the kind of subjects that the press may throw at you well now the environment is on their minds and I'm well I'm sure they'll ask me about my Secretary of the Interior what I said I'm sure they'll ask me about my Secretary of the Interior why Jim I just told you I think they'll ask about my Secretary of the Interior James what you're scheduled to go swimming with him tomorrow morning at the Y where why why that's right with what [Applause] what I don't even know with who Jim not who what well now Jim let's let's get this straight I'm I'm going swimming tomorrow with with who what where why Jim let's go on to the the Middle East now all-out I'll need the the first name of the head of the PLO that that Arafat guy yes sir I [ __ ] out I'll need the first name of the head of the PLO yes sir Jim it'sit's nice of you to be polite but but what is his name no sir yes well now you're you're giving me two different bad answers um now what is his name no sir yes sir well now I I asked you what is the first name of the head of the PLO and you tell me no sir that's right did you tell me yes sir absolutely you got it I got one he's the Secretary of the Interior GM I don't understand why you're doing this Oval Office Baker yes you have the head of the Republic of China calling for the president Premier Chun Doong who hold on mr. president who's on the phone now Jim I don't know who's on the phone that is correct what's correct no he's your secretary of the interior now gentlemen let's start all over here very quietly just just tell me Jim who is on the phone who is on the phone [Applause] yes sir that Arafat guy is on the phone Jim no sir who is what swimming tomorrow morning like frankly I'm kind of glad that the president will be Iran for another four years we can do some more sketches he's fun to do well moving along excuse me now over the years occasionally on the show we have paid tribute to men actually who have achieved I guess you say the status of international sex symbols and the next sketch you're gonna see pays tribute to those two sex symbols they are Burt Reynolds and our own Tommy Newsom Burt I know you you thought that you came here tonight just as a you know as a regular guest on our show but Burt we have we have fools you because tonight Burt Reynolds international film star number one box office draw in the world and all-around macho stud this is your life [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes bird I know surprise wants you to relax I'll joy yourself we have a monitor out here we have some pictures you want to watch yes Bert you were born Burton wham bam in the sleepy southern town of Waycross Georgia February 11th 1936 oh I'm sorry I said that you were born into a proud but from askew a southern family [Applause] burning with a fierce desire for show business stardom you move to the entertainment capital of the southeast Jupiter Florida where you pose Bert for our very first centerfold for jack-and-jill magazine now the Year Bert is 1949 Harry Truman is in the White House you are in junior high school and you on your go your first tragedy you didn't make it through puberty but your sports shirt does [Applause] now Bert you weren't enough money from your summer job to make a down payment on an IQ so so Burt it's off to college where you win a special varsity letter we yes we can't we can't tell you what the latest or but [Applause] Feuer you are doing really well with the ladies bird all right and then Bert you earn your first Hollywood job as an extra in the hit TV series riverboat where your job was to keep the Sun off Darren McGavin bald spot [Applause] this is your life [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yes Tom born Thomas tapioca Newsome in a sleepy southern seaport town of Portsmouth Virginia on February 25th 1929 appropriately enough the year of the Great Depression you were you were born to a proud but though Virginia family and Tommy you are a direct descendant of a boring revolutionary hero Nathan Hale Newsom who when captured by the British said I regret that I have no life to give for my country and at the the age of two you were abandoned by your parents at Pismo Beach California and raised by a herd of wild clams see here was 1941 war broke out Tom and you answered your nation's call you follows here yes you you volunteered not drafted you volunteered for an elite commando unit the polyester Berets at the time General Douglas MacArthur said of you private Tommy Newsom prickly helped the American war effort by parachuting behind and stain but then Tom came v-j day you returned a changed man to your hometown for a hero's welcome [Music] [Applause] [Music] back home you're no longer private no some your bachelor Newsom you wander aimlessly from Barda cheep Music Hall but there is no one for you until you meet miss Wright your very first love do you recognize this sound [Applause] don't recognize that well you will you will when you see here we've flown her all the way from a tire retreading plant in akron ohio your very first love your inflatable rubber woman [Applause] the news Tommy has been an awfully good sport over the years being the butt of a lot of you know common man jokes but he is one of the most talented people I have ever met musically does a great number of the charts for the orchestrations in the orchestra superb musician thank you Tom okay speaking of great musicians if you were to draw up a list of the greatest musicians in the world the next three people you were about to see I don't think would would make the list they are Jimmy Stewart my good friend Freddie d'accord his great friend the late Jack Benny and some young very very young drummer playing with Benny Goodman here is our tribute to music [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] give me a will you [Music] that's fine ladies and gentlemen I'm going to play the Mendelssohn concerto which runs 45 minutes do all the vampire can you vamp already Donna Bella doesn't dear Lord [Music] not my even my violin you is there any other selection [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] temple Benny temple Benny we braved a lot of other things Floria Garry Shandling is here tonight Ronny shakes Louie Anderson along with a lot of other clips will do this commercial we shall return [Applause] [Music] one of the real joys I get out and I think ed and all of us here get out of doing this show is watching a new young comedian walk out on this stage here in one as they say and face a national audience for the first time we've had many of them over the years who come out here and scored and have gone on become fine professionals and big stars in their own right Garry Shandling first appeared with us in 1981 as a matter of fact just last week a little eye infection jury filled in and he's been appearing with Joan Rivers all over the country and he's got a couple of our long specials coming up for Showtime would you welcome please Garry Shandling [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thanks that's nice and first of all I want to congratulate you on 23 years Johnny and Ed together that's your longest relationship isn't it so anyway you guys should move in but you know I I'm happy to be here this is a special week for me beside a hosted mine and my name is on the cover of TV Guide this week which is well thank you for caring that's oh no no that's okay maybe it's just on mine it's on that little address label but so this shows meant a lot to me through the years I was 31 when I first did the show and I'm 35 now so I'm basically a legend here and and I'm right at that H Oh in the mid-thirties when you start to look like your folks have you gone through this yet I mean it is the most ironic thing in life you give your folks a hard time God gets even by making you look like them at some point and you look bad in the morning as you get older have you gone have you woken up yet and look like your driver's license picture this is a very scary thing when you go this really isn't such a bad shot really we should order some of these honey I mean something happens doesn't it from the time you go to sleep till the time you wake up it's like God comes in in the middle of the night and says we're gonna mess you up for the morning there pal have you guys ever gone to bed with a woman and you wake up and she looks like Ed Sullivan have you gone woah I gotta get out of here and she's gone come on back here Gary take some girl asked me last week if I had a nose job can you see this from where you she said if you had a nose job I said oh yeah when I had my lips done I got my nose done I said to the plastic surgeon make me look goofy right in through here he did a great job same guy who does Letterman's teeth and so anyway I look good I got I was I was in Hawaii I just got back I went to a nude beach which is have you been to one of these things you get that very strange tan you get those white circles around your eyes from the binoculars and and then I went to the zoo and very cheap zoo they had dogs with antlers strapped to their heads you know people are going get this Alka off me honey and [Music] so I'm flying back I'm flying back and flew cheap airlines it was one you know like 400 people in the plane and it's like 10 bucks apiece it's an ugly sight and it's like flying in a Winnebago have you been in one of these and in fact they had decals on the window of every place the plane had been you know I don't know I couldn't see out of my window cuz it was a big trout that said Idaho underneath and I'm getting off the plane and and a woman runs by me with wheels on the bottom of her suitcase if he and it's and she's moving it's jacked up in the back there's mags on this and there's another woman racing her going is out of Samsonite 250 that's a fast bag the stewardess explains how to operate the seatbelt has anybody ever had difficulty figuring the seatbelt out I mean if you can't figure this seatbelt out on your own don't even listen to the part about the oxygen mask you're a dead person these things gonna come down you're gonna go what the heck is hello hello telephone stewardess so I get home I'm home and for no good reason because I'm alone I live alone with my dog who's 15 you know he falls now when I ride him and and dogs get grocery cheer as you get older it's not a pretty story do you think when you go to the bathroom your dogs thinking hey I drink out of that thing why don't you just go in my dish and save yourself a welcome I broke up with my girlfriend because we're having huge arguments over who is the most disappointed I'm great in a relationship I'm very loyal I'm loyal in any relationship even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms you know I don't know I wish that was my mom I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like and uh I'm not weird I'm not kinky sexually occasionally I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine but hey take a few fast ones have a cigarette but hey we are and I read about this stuff in Playboy it says rub oil on the other person I've never done this in my life I have a couple cans of Mobil 1 on my nightstand you know 30 and 40 weight because I don't know what time of the year it's gonna happen [Applause] glass actually I mean the last guy made love to actually applauded afterwards well alright the sign was on but she would have applauded on her own anyway but it's it's difficult it's difficult meeting new women and and there's always that rejection factor I went into a bar the other night and said to this girl what's your name she said don't even bother oh is that an Indian name because I'd like to meet hot to trot is she here by any chance like women should approach guys because we're easy aren't we guys I mean we're trying good sure I mean if a woman says you want to go back to my apartment we're not gonna go gee I don't know [Music] I'm retaining water and I don't know we're checking flight schedules to get there am i right guys and I and my mother used to fix me up with girls you guys ever go through this and they always look like your mother which is not a pretty story and and and your mother always had euphemisms I go well what does she look like mom my mother would go well she's a little big-boned what is she a brontosaurus mom huh how big is she you know and then my mother would say no no she's got a complexion like ivory I'm thinking great I got a big woman with tusks that's great or the key phrase was she's pretty in her own way to remember that one well then put her with her own kind [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I was Garry Shandling okay Betty White joined us one night for a sketch we wanted to see what Tarzan and Jane would behave like after they've been married a number of years here's that sketch [Applause] he didn't fix the ladder he's late coming home from work I'll bet that jungle jerks out swinging with the boys again [Music] [Applause] why were you late again not Tarzan's fault fine controller strike [Applause] Tarzan almost have mid-air collision with orangutan man it's a jungle out there this place is a mess you haven't done any of your chores little chores woman's work Tarzan only have one chore what's that empty hippopotamus litter box or call yourself a provider will you look at this dump Tarzan good provider Tarzan get job you're completely primitive you're totally unskilled you've got the manners of a baboon and the IQ of an ape where could you possibly get a job Tarzan already been accepted at post office as supervisor how do you expect to make anything of yourself and you sit around all day playing with a chimpanzee it worked for President Reagan where Tarzan's dinner I don't have your dinner banana brain I'm a person in my own right I have better things to do send out for some pizza what their number I don't know call information if the number you need stay on the line me Tarzan king of jungle big king you are that wasn't exactly a royal performance you gave last night King [Applause] that never happened to Tarzan before are you kidding even at your best with you as strictly wham bam thank you wanna let's face it you're not much of a man oh yeah quicksand chest annele oh man [Applause] then how come when you take a shower under the waterfall the hyenas all stand around and laugh at you hyenas always laugh yes but they don't usually point don't talk about Tarzan's body him seen better jugs on top of natives head what have you accomplished today Tarzan go on hunt today with native warriors what to see Messiah you bangee you betcha royalty people sometimes we have people on the show who are not professional entertainers like Katherine crumbly who was the sheriff of Belmont County Ohio and Elizabeth tez Jian she was the founder of the only Museum in the country devoted to nuts [Music] [Applause] [Music] are you Sheriff sit down if you can to see you brought your posse with you a little company would you like to take that off why see that's where you got a nightstick there you've got handcuffs uh-huh a little bit of everything yeah you can even try it on this is your first problem as Cherepovets getting off your gun at night [Applause] I take a no fun no I did not very sorry you know that's what the hat on hey gonna put that on you know this is very heavy what is all that way I'd be out 25 pounds right if you have to have having hips to carry it why did you decide to have music may call you Elizabeth yes you're me why did you decide to have museum burn us well I wish to establish the entity of the node through art music history and lore and you'd be surprised nuts they're more than snack treats their treats to the soul in fact they've been inspiring me to paint nuts and erase the dimeric Markov nuts I could go even that far do you think nuts have been getting that's right America likes nuts well enough to name streets after them and even child is named hazel right and you find during the intercourse that they are valuable [Applause] we probably play a major role I guess you buy now no I'm a spokeswoman for the nose well right you're certainly right there how many different [Applause] one somehow we have animals and birds on and sometimes the birds talk very often do they come in here and they don't do much of anything this is an attempt to try to have some birds talk in the office they're great when they come out here you'll see what happens here are our feathered friends hello Froy how does the kitty go meow meow meow meow look the Mike over the bird does impressions how are you [Applause] I was the dog ego and she she Park call the kitty how do you call the kitty well how do you call the kitty you saw it here on this show bird calling a cat gutsy bird how does the duck go the duck how does the wolf go like all good singers do before they sing well sometimes they like to warm up can you want for us or much [Music] attaboy poncho oh we got a winner here now we got a winner his first song is from the musical South Pacific Bali Hai Bali Hai [Music] oh I left my heart in San Francisco I [Music] Johnny likes that one okay I left I left I left no I left [Music] [Music] what's this one's name that's Suzy this is Suzy hello repeat some Thai no he'll do it Oh houses hello hello bird [Applause] fifteen better get cracking I know that Sue's house shows come on sis put your wings out but your wings out well sure if he and my arm is locking doctor down he's very well housebroken he's not just - well suit bro hey hold him over the desk hello hello Suze hello bird hello Susan Nina we'll talk just easy look animals sometimes they come out of there in a strange environment yeah and the lights and the so commercial would comment this is are the parents are different outside of color obviously the sock I've seen this is not a parrot this is a cockatoo a sulphur crested cockatoo I see I didn't know that and these two are Yellowknife Amazons which are among the better talking parents know how Susie Nick hello in the you know hello bird hello bird I've been trying to get him to say he is Johnny for two weeks but he just won't do it just won't do it but we'll get him to sing hello bird hello Nina hello pretty bird [Applause] Oh God we get it we get it Sean still pictures now No so do you judge the crowing by the the how much they crow or how many times so many times [Applause] [Music] [Applause] little gift from his feathered colon but then he caught the monologue earlier or something okay big deal how do you get him controlled on it well I usually offer him some corn and he usually crows but you know when will like when will that happen I afraid that somebody made book on him and throwed him one way or the other maybe he's not going to curl maybe he's not going to cry [Applause] bad upset stomach let me point something out to you Donna we didn't try we didn't bring him 1,800 miles to take a dump on my desk Don Rickles hosted the show one night he was taping across the hall doing CPO Sharkey live in front of an audience we found out he'd busted this the cigarette box and Bobby followed me next door right in the middle of his shell unbeknownst to him what the hell happen is well as long as it's you've seen what happened you know how I've long I've had this cigarette box on his desk you brought that out from New York I brought this from New York what on earth it happened last night ooh Don Rickles I did not see that I said it last night do you put me on no no no Don Rickles did it last night on a show the hell did he do it it is the wound is broken that's an heirloom that looks I've had that box swindle see who I sit here night giving my pencils during the show to keep my sanity I haven't broken that boxing Don rules how does he do it what he thought he was having a fit you know how could you tell [Applause] I just saw him and makeup getting ready to tape that FBO our key CBO sure key I don't know he told a joke and it didn't go well and he got upset and he didn't burn his he instead he hit it he hit with his he deeply know what he's taping across the hall CPO Sharkey get over there can I get over there [Applause] be right back [Applause] just follow me busienss duty are they taping are they on here I don't give a damn if her brickles greco hold stop the taping stop the taping somebody broke my cigarette box [Applause] just started the show I picked my blocks up off my death for nine years they told me you broke it on the show last night well III realize [Applause] [Laughter] you're right are you in the middle something waiting for a Navy ship to come in did you break this box yes I did I'm sorry you know how long I've had this box on the show but nine years everyone that's not from New York look at this that is very expensive it's a darn shame I'd give it to Tony Randall for a wedding gift I want to know what you plan to do about this well I plan to wrap your hand in it what do you want for me no I'm sorry to come over to interrupt your show bow and I saw this I got so incensed millions of dollars what are you kidding me what do you do stores i'm just posted away here with six people trying to stay alive millions of dollars what are you doing with the money those can't be hit affiliate Kid Dennis James and I'm a bad contestant yeah I hope you kept the cotton mill down south Phish show goes like the others you're out of work come January [Applause] beautiful x-ray of your lungs look I didn't I didn't mean to interrupt your baby here cuz I know you're in your big dramatic scene you know in your position today you really are one of the biggest guys in the business I want to help I want my next Christmas I'm gonna make sure a tree drops on your head no but I'm sorry about the bottles alright I will come up with some well I hope so but just keep me on your show you mean so much to me certainly no no no no no don't don't humble yourself in front of these people so don't humble yourself buddy I want something back okay carry on carry on [Applause] take a break we'll be back with Ronnie shakes Louie average [Applause] [Music] okay our next comedian appearing live with us tonight started on The Tonight Show about two years ago he used to own a restaurant before he went into comedy and we're delighted he made that career move would you welcome please Ronny shakes [Applause] [Music] thank you thank you so much oh it's a great thrill to be here tonight as if that wasn't enough I got a great bargain today I bought a $2.00 digital watch it just flashes the word now you can laugh but it's very accurate pretty happy with that as you can see I'm from New York yeah you don't get like this in Kansas City no I live in New York I live in a maxim security building somebody broke into my apartment using the key from a canned ham [Applause] a real professional job well not to have pets in our building which is nice I used to have I used dog yeah second head dog what are these canines that the authorities employed to sniff out the contraband at airports I took him for a walk on my night board he hyperventilated [Laughter] no but now I have fish little Guppies major problem with them is that they thought around so fast in that tank you really can't appreciate so I poured a box of jello into their water now you can appreciate them like a fish ballet in there coppy like yeah yeah yeah you guessed it I'm in therapy seeing a psychiatrist I've been seeing this guy for two and a half 14 years now but he shuts up the last week that just brought tears to my eyes he said no ah blowing place [Applause] but you see I have this problem in general with authority figures I tend to panic much too easily once a cop spotted me jaywalking I took hostages arrested me took me down to jail told me I was loved one phone call nobody called [Laughter] of course my problems all go back to my birth I was born in a terrible hospital I was a premature baby they didn't have an incubator put me in a crock-pot [Applause] I wonder I'm burned out otherwise very insecure as a child I was around like eight years old I asked my mother if I was adopted she said yes but they returned you nice to be home but there are certain moments I must admit that solidify the father-son relationship I recall when dad taught me how to ride a bicycle he said Ronnie come up to the roof there's no dangerous up there dad yeah there's no traffic like all parents my father just want me that better than him said Ronny whatever you do don't marry mom [Applause] pretty good advice huh we had a saying around our house where there's smoke there's dinner mom was not a great cook laughing at the time she mixed together red tuna helper and Hamburger Helper tried to pass it off in surf-and-turf I think she got a cooking habits from Grandma I like grandma nice old gal but a little morbid she's the only person I've ever met that actually knows the words to taps [Applause] Hoshi's morbid she reads the obituaries every day then crosses the names at the telephone book [Applause] she keeps our directory right up to date information calls us now like sound good grandma's getting up there she's about 84 years old now she recently had a pacemaker installed we went ahead and put a dimmer switch on it well she starts ranting raving you just turn it down the other hand you want to paint the house your crack it all the way [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] one of himself Ronny shakes a lot of times people complain about commercials on the show well if it weren't for commercials we wouldn't be here I'd be putting price tags on lightbulbs and Nebraska somewhere anyway we bite the hand that feeds us and here we are biting the hand that feeds us with some commercials the way you might like to see them just once honey I left our traveler's checks on top of my locker oh no no problem oh honey this is mr. ito please don't get up citizen core office right next door but these weren't citizens Corp traveler's checks oh so sorry that I can't help you what will we do what will they do shame about charlie passing away so suddenly yeah it sure is hey I haven't seen you for quite a while what do you been up to well I've been investing pretty heavily my broker says the stock market's going to go right through the roof my broker says hold off buying for a while well my broker is EF Hutton and EF nuttin says well there will there be anything else for you today mrs. Wilson uh yes mr. Goodman I think I'll have another large tube of that pest toothpaste oh you you won't be sorry pissed is absolutely the very best we have on the market today [Applause] i mr. Guttman [Applause] and what would you like today a large tube of pissed I don't want any toothpaste mr. Goodman no toupee no toothpaste what do you want Johnny [Applause] [Music] here's the bill last to the great ladies men still a free man yeah for 15 more hours [Music] you guys especially you Stan [Applause] you can realize how really beautiful you were [Music] [Applause] my patio look like I'm not wearing nothing my pantyhose make me look like I'm not wearing nothing yeah hold it you little teasers now come on admit it you're really wearing something aren't you yes well I'm not sir how do you spell relief otherwise full relief I spell Adaro [Applause] come on I double dare you hi you mind if I talk to you for just a minute I just want to say a few words about diarrhea [Applause] [Music] as you probably know overly er this month Petros set a new record in baseball that was just happened to be coincidentally that another record in show business was was said just about that same time so we'd like to show a little of that what a nice new record for showbiz I was very proud you know I'm nervous tonight during the monologue in this show I told my 4190 first joke which ties the record for comedians which was set up with Universal not that the record was set in 1928 by a well great well fantastic legendary vaudeville comedian by the name of any cob he got his 4190 first laughs in the Palace Theatre in New York City in 1920 57 years ago tonight you set that record I tied it tonight and as a matter of fact NBC managed to find a piece of wolf film from the archives of that performance that particular night 57 years ago today and we're gonna show that the studio audience first that's where he he set the record ladies and gentlemen outlook if you think that was funny listening to this one these two guys you see Pat mics are in the locker room and think off club you see and they're changing their clothes after they played around the Goff so Mike takes off his shirt when you hear this and Pat notices you see that Mike's wearing a brassiere and he says he says Mike how long you've been wearing a bra and mike says this is the silliest thing and mike says since last Saturday when my wife found out the glove compartment [Applause] do you believe that that was the actual film of him setting that record to four thousand one hundred ninety one laughs and well I'm going out there tonight to get four thousand one hundred ninety two and break the record well I'm nervous is gonna be wish me luck hearing go get him well I hope it's we come back here and have a little champagne after this joke okay okay hi Hey [Applause] [Applause] you can thank a gang I can't how you doing you excited I'm nervous all right just want to break the record if I can okay [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] thank you very much and good evening ladies got a bad toothache and she asked oh the dentist and she doesn't want to go so finally make up her mind she drives she gets of the dentist she sitting in the office he's got a molar that's absolutely killing her the dentist gets her in the chair and she looks at the doctor says you know doctor I'd rather have a baby than have this tooth pulled and the doctor says oh would you please make up your mind I've better with just the chair [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] okay the old expression what's in a name Teddy earthy this would this one night and he had some thoughts on the subject you know Johnny says some about um buckwheat lure earlier was talking about buckwheat and I did buckwheat on my show right and the name buckwheat I start thinking right I'm from a predominantly black family I have yet to run into a relative named buckwheat out of cookout you can't just walk off the streets we walk up some I see how you doing my name is Tom what's yours my name buckwheat man nice to meet you yeah buckwheat that's my name I'm serious but I got the last name buckwheat that's it I'm serious no believe me and the rice time is my brother stymie over there I don't leave watching your mother brother hold on Serena yeah buck we Sam Freeman not most people name have their father Mia for in with me at the father's favorite breakfast [ __ ] we Sam Freeman my mama named all the kids out to Syria man I'm a little sister over there her name shredded wheat yeah those my twin brothers over there crisp and quake and that's my little oldest brother I'd say he little slow and everybody else his name is Special K that day as my big sister she approached to the names tricks stand stand next to my big brother homosexuals name is lucky charms Eddie was on the show another night when we had a guest that we had met before her name was Jennifer Richards and she caught us both by surprise and you will see why [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I suppose John I am not too young to be vs usual I suppose you are used to that kind of reaction when somebody sees you for the first time when in the flesh as they say yes yes indeed um actually I started to look like this when I was nine and are you kidding no and people tease me because they say I used to develop a cup of grade you have always been [Music] does the word humongous mean anything let me do the artillery you seem to be very good-natured about it as well you might be actually it's opened a lot of doors for me [Applause] I think that once you get in the door though there are 9,000 other busty blondes who also got in the door yeah then you have to work the talent has to come true miss Dora where's well we couldn't resist doing a take-off on probably a lady who's become about as well-known as anybody in this country the past few years dr. Ruth Westheimer who does I guess television a radio phone in show about about sexual problems so here's our version of dr. Ruth okay sex with dr. Ruth dr. Ruth I must say it is a real pleasure for me to meet you they'll take you in welcome to my program okay six don't tell me about your show it made your problem with people today is communicating with each other people ask me questions about sex I give them answers which helps them have okay sex you're such a such a you're such a tiny lady shortness in itself should never detract from a healthy sexual life not one is short you can still go for the gold and I know our viewers would like to ask a lot of questions yes let's take a few o'clock all right yes sir here's our first corner hello you're on the air with dr. Ruth dr. Ruth is it alright for a man to make sounds while he's having sex certainly it is alright as long as you don't wake up your wife and it's for athletes I'm interested in the group sex group sex very interesting tell me a little bit about yourself very much to tell I'm five foot one and I weigh 475 pounds well at 475 pounds everything you do is group sex [Applause] [Applause] dr. this is kind of personal but how did you learn about sex I learned about sex the usual way watching dynasty Joan Collins is a [ __ ] [Applause] speaking with dr. Ruth I'm in a relationship with an 18 year old college player she's 83 years old I understand that she is 83 going with a young college players it's a simulation sip the tonic no it's wild oh that non-stop raw animal sex does she really - what's the problem Oh worried this kind of a non-stop physical activity it could prove fatal well if he dies he dies it's no joke but I'm an old lady [Applause] I have a year question doctor of two people my question to people whose interest as they get older no no they do not a 70 year old man still has the same Drive he just has more trouble finding his keys well thank you and to all my viewers at home here's wishing you okay sex [Applause] we do that but the next one is the yeah Rambo is probably the hottest movie about guest of the century and we did a little sketch we had a small portion of it as if he was doing mr. Rambis neighborhood [Music] mr. Rambo's neighborhood [Applause] it's a beautiful day in them [Applause] if you want to survive you got to learn to let nobody push you around hey I'm talking about not even your own mother hey let's suppose your mom says hey why don't you pick up a toilet you say to her hey mom why don't you pick it up yourself but here's what you do first yeah your booby-trap it with a couple of pounds of plastic explosives I read one to show you how it works you put it back here the mom comes into your room to pick up your doll [Music] [Applause] okay you have a short break for commercial we're coming right back Lily Andersons here tonight for okay when we do a sketch on The Tonight Show where there's the President Reagan sketch of the Tarzan or any of the sketches we don't have the luxury of much rehearsal we run them here when the afternoon Bobby Quinn puts them together we don't refute anything sometimes they go great and sometimes we'd like to reshoot it here are three little Clips here where things didn't quite go the way they were supposed to [Music] you know miss kitty we've we've known each other here at the Long Branch for a heck of a long time and well I guess it's no secret that I'm I'm really sweet on you how come we never go upstairs I've been meaning to confess something to you Marshall what's that kitty darling not kitty Jim Thompson Thompson undercover Pinkerton I'll bet you're glad we didn't go upstairs not our mat no kidding because I got a surprise for you [Applause] Brenda quit yeah no doc you've gotta operate I can't operate up I'm rusty rusty you've been oiled for 15 years doc now [Applause] let me coffee Genda [Applause] it's good to see you man may I ask your name ah flies your name how'd you get a name like that my parents so I was born when my parents wait a minute I'll go back [Applause] anybody here may I ask your name bla bla how did you get a name like that when I was born my parents took one look at me and said blah now according to dr. Leakey you were the first man to walk on two feet why did you decide after millions of years to get up off all fours and stubs that to stand on two feet what the hell [Applause] Oh I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight this next young man like Gary and Ronnie before us the first time he was on the show he absolutely broke the place up already he's landed himself a leading role in a motion picture would you welcome please Louie Anderson [Applause] [Music] [Applause] give me a re I'm glad to be here I'm so glad comedy is working out for me so I don't have to go back to my former job a male stripper and all-you-can-eat restaurant yeah people want you to get in shape and get my doctor says Louie you got to lose some weight so I got to get a new doctor everybody's into this health food I can't eat it that granola and trail mix have you ever looked at it remember when your mom would empty your cuffs when you're a kid I am eating one health food though yogurt of course I for peanut M&Ms in there and these people who run and jump they're in such good shape what do they think the bombs gonna hit and go oh oh he's in shape [Applause] and isn't it true about every 3-4 months the guy who invented the the diet did the run he keels over he's dead but he looks good doesn't he not me I'm not walking anywhere bringing that car wrong if I go I want to be found slumped over in the front seat the Slurpee in one hand and a Big Mac in the other he's dead but he looks happy doesn't I'm sorry I'm sweating but if I don't all explode my favorite thing is when you go over to someone's house in your fat they overcompensate from all come on in LuAnn sit down here in this concrete sofa or the reinforced steel lawn furniture do what I do head right for that wicker [Applause] and in California being fats the worst there's only three of us they have us on eight-hour shifts so it works out I tried to get in this California living it never has worked out I went down to the beach every time I lay down people would push me back into the water hurry up he's dying [Applause] I'm from Minnesota originally just back minister I went back there about two months ago we had a lot of fun when camping that of course when I go camping the Bears put their food up the tree [Applause] but I had that very strict Midwestern upbringing very strict father the kind of guy who didn't like people we be in the family car driving down the street and he'd spot somebody walking down the street that was a little different Oh he'd slow that car down look at that or crying out one get my rifle or he'd say things that made no sense to us as kids you know if I was the last person on earth some [ __ ] would turn left in front of me when he'd say that too if I was the last person on earth you'd always turn to your brother and go where she was don't you my dad I heard that you kids want to walk home from here oh yeah we're in the garage don't get smart with me when your dad would say that don't get smart me weren't you always tempted to go ooh come I acted stupid enough for you now I don't want to give you the wrong impression of my dad you know he never hit us carried a gun oh he never shot us he just go very effective all time I love to astley my dad I had a younger brother and if you had a younger brother you know what I mean cuz he never had to hit them you just get up in the morning go down to breakfast look across the table do this you do that you'll hear this every time mom always looking at me again and you love that you or is it against a lot of look at people look at mom does this bother you [Applause] you keep it up all of a sudden Jesus he home today [Music] [Applause] [Music] water thank wonder if an area and Ronnie and Louie all for being here tonight they prepare their good for the show huh okay commercial we'll be back with Marcel Marceau and a barroom brawl and some other time [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Marcel Marceau the great French mime has been a guest on this show over the years I suppose a half a dozen times and I try to do things with him and one night he came on the show and I guess I did the talking and he gave me a hand will give me two hands there's a little excerpt with Marcel Marceau there's a maybe we could do something together anything with you well if I would put my hands behind your Jew and you would talk but not at all I pay attention of what I'm doing just by just coming it will be my hands and your voice okay I'm gonna welcome to the show we've got a wonderful show tonight [Applause] and I want to tell you I've been in the hairdressing business robot [Applause] we will do a commercial here and then we will come right back [Applause] what are we selling here it is right there here's a little [Applause] oh wait a minute that's not there can you hold yeah Oh silly all right now here's it and we'll be back in just one minute there's an old saying a cliche that in any tragedy if you look under the the unpleasantness of something there's there is comedy that has happened on this show occasionally we have nice for you come out and there's no understanding why the audiences in the silly mood or things aren't going right and you'll start something maybe the monologue doesn't then we come to the desk and we get deeper and deeper and you just want to go home and you got another 45 minutes of the show here's one of those nights where nothing just seemed to mesh together with a little tragedy ah so are you gonna celebrate the yes Chinese New Year tonight you will celebrate Arbor Day won't you how do you celebrate the Chinese New Year could take a friend of McDonald's for what ox McNuggets was the year of the Ox okay I'm gonna get swing it in a moment here what else happened Oh Margaret Thatcher is not in town she actually is in Washington and with meetings and reporter asked her what's the biggest contribution the Great Britain has made and she said deporting robin Leach [Applause] [Applause] Messier things when you tell your Irish grandmother better corned beef is little dry she will jump to her death off a statue of Barry Fitzgerald Robin leash [Applause] an owl wearing a toupee makes a bad pet I'm gonna go through with it Sartre is a car froze when I was a piece of wood what piece of wood in there well that's not a goodbye is it [Applause] we should point out if when you go to the supermarket and buy this you do not get a piece of wood we'd like to introduce our own new sponsors what a nice welcome you fine fine sponsor this is mrs. Paul's she's she lost her husband mrs. Paul's lights light seafood oh I got to get this right this is there a nursery first appearance we'd like to welcome a new sponsors that's a nice row mrs. Paul's light sue sue you know mrs. falls in life by seafood entry entrees I remember that night Oh nothing went right robin Leach that started I was not already right into the Grand Canyon oh this this next sketch goes back I got in 1968 1560 seventeen years ago yeah we remember the show Virginian that was on very popular Western show with James Drury and Doug McClure and I think the we had the director Andrew McLaughlin on the show one night and he was gonna show how he staged a sketch is stunted and I said well I'd love to get involved this is one of these things where we ran through it in the afternoon once and tried it that night and up for those of you are just tuning in the footage you're about to see is not news footage of Billy Martin out on the town or anything this is a sketch from 1968 James Drury and Doug McClure what that happens to be my drink [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] smile we'll take a break we're coming right back [Applause] [Music] those are just a few of the things that have taken place in the past 23 years I do not have time to thank everybody but at the end of this program you will see a list of credits of all of the people who have made this show possible for the past 23 years the special ed and and donc and Peter and Freddie and the writers and our entire staff it's been a nice 23 years and more importantly thank you very much are you watching at home and the people who come here in the studio for staying with this show for all the 23 years and we hope to stick around a while longer thank you in the studio thank you and we'll see you tomorrow [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Magnetic Tape Head

Views: 706,830

Keywords: Johnny Carson, Tonight show, gary shandling, burt reynolds, betty white, ed mcmann, this is your life, rambo, Doc serverin, don rickles, ronald reagan, jack benny, Eddie Murphey, NBC, 80s, tv, late night tv, 1985

Id: gMAiDQuVj8g

Length: 97min 36sec (5856 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 14 2019