Transcriber: Eunice Tan
Reviewer: Rhonda Jacobs I have struggled
with feelings of unworthiness for as long as I can remember. From the outside, my life looked pretty perfect
when I was growing up. My parents had a happy marriage,
were supportive, and earned enough for us
to be more than comfortable. I was mostly happy, but I also had a deep sense
that something was wrong with me. My most painful moments were at parties. When I went to Black parties, my friends made fun of me
because I was rhythmically challenged and I couldn't get
my awkward middle-school body to mimic the latest dance moves. As the only Black girl at parties associated
with my predominantly white school, I was never chosen to dance, I was never the object
of anyone's attention, I felt like I didn't belong. So around age 12, I decided that the way
to cure these feelings of unworthiness was perfection. Simple, right? If I was just perfect, then I would fit in, I would be chosen,
I would really be happy. So I threw myself
into formal dance classes, worked hard in school, and tried to be a supportive
and selfless friend. My self-esteem was high
when I got good grades and felt included, but crashed when I didn't do well
academically or was left out. In college, busyness became
my key strategy for trying to feel worthy. I juggled classes and tutoring
and the Black Student Union and a student government and a sorority
and a gospel choir and a step team, barely giving myself time
to breathe, to think, to be. After college, my attention turned to trying
to find a relationship to fill the void. The anxiety and ups and downs
I experienced in this quest were exhausting. I remember going out to bars and clubs, and just like in junior high,
was rarely the one chosen to dance. I began to question my attractiveness: Would my brown skin and kinky hair
be accepted by a potential partner? Despite these questions, I held on to the hope that if I could
just find someone to love me, then I would finally feel worthy. I'll let you in on a secret: (Whispering) None of it worked - not the perfectionism,
the busyness, the relationships. Well, maybe some of it did for a moment. Right after starting a new relationship
or getting a good grade, I felt worthy. But soon enough, my feelings
of self-worth slipped away, and I was on to pursuing the next thing. As soon as I reached the bar
I had set for my worth, it was raised. Have you ever experienced that? I'm standing here today because after several years
of therapy, spiritual growth, and a PhD in clinical psychology, I have begun to cultivate
an unconditional self-worth. I'm shedding the belief
that I'm not good enough, the anxiety that not doing things
perfectly or meeting the right person means that I'm not OK. I'm embracing myself, quirks and all. And this new path is liberating,
enlivening, and life-giving. Let me share what I've learned with you
in the hopes that you'll join me on this journey
to unconditional self-worth. You may be wondering if this is just
another talk on self-esteem. No. Self-worth is distinct from self-esteem. Our self-esteem is derived
from our abilities, accomplishments, social positions, and things
we believe we can achieve. We can bolster our self-esteem
by improving our skills or performance, and our self-esteem goes up and down depending on how we're doing
in various aspects of our lives. In contrast, unconditional self-worth is distinct
from our abilities and accomplishments. It's not about comparing
ourselves to others; it's not something
that we can have more or less of. Unconditional self-worth is the sense
that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for,
to take up space. As a clinical psychologist, I believe that pervasive low self-worth
is a root cause of mental illness. And over the last decade, we've seen a rise in mental illness
throughout the US and the world. According to the World
Health Organization, depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability worldwide. Think about that for a moment: The leading cause
of illness and disability is not diabetes,
physical injury, or cancer. The leading cause of ill health
and disability throughout the world is depression. Additionally, according to the Anxiety
and Depression Association of America, 40 million people over the age of 18
suffer from anxiety disorders. That's almost five times the number
of people living in New York City. Low self-worth can lead
to anxiety and depression. It can lead people to opt out of life
and numb out on drugs and alcohol, even attempt suicide, because the pain of feeling unworthy
is too much to bear. I have sat with hundreds of students at one of the top universities
in the country, and when we explore their concerns
and dig to the root, we often find that they are struggling
with a deep sense of unworthiness. So how did we get here? How did we get to a place where so many of us
struggle with low self-worth? A place where more and more people are living with mental
illness and addiction? I believe there are many factors
that cause us to feel this way. Advertisements tell us that we need to buy things
to be loved, accepted, or to succeed. Our educational system teaches us that our worthiness as students
is based on our grades or test scores. Our parents may have implied
that they'd love us more if we made the honor roll
or the varsity team. Those of us who have experienced
abuse, sexual assault, and trauma may question our personhood
and very right to exist. And as social media pervades our lives, we have begun to feel that our worthiness is based on the number of followers
we have and likes we get. Whatever the cause, for many of us, our self-worth is tied
to our accomplishments and possessions, and as soon as we fail or lose approval,
we experience low self-worth. Unconditional self-worth
is the antidote to low self-worth. Unconditional self-worth is a way out of self-criticism, shame,
and unhealthy behavior. It is a way out of depression,
anxiety, and substance abuse. It is time for us to base our worth
on the fact that we are human, to cultivate a worth that persists
even when life does not go as we hoped. So what keep us from cultivating
unconditional self-worth? Some people may fear that if they get
too satisfied with themselves, they won't be motivated
to grow and change. Others may feel that accepting themselves
as worthy would be arrogant. And some may simply believe
that feeling worthy is impossible. I often wonder what the world
would look like if we all cultivated
unconditional self-worth. What would you find the courage to do
if you knew you were worthy? What would you dare to dream
if your self-worth wasn't at stake? What would you stop doing
if you knew you were already worthy? I believe people would
resolve conflicts without violence, that more people would dare
to do amazing things. I believe that if our self-worth
wasn't on the line, the world would look a lot better
and more peaceful for all of us. Now, that's a reimagining
worthy of our consideration. So how do we make this vision real? Cultivating unconditional self-worth
is an ongoing practice. Here are four ways
you can begin to feel more worthy, starting right here, right now. First, forgive yourself. Many of us struggle to feel worthy because we are angry with ourselves
about past mistakes. Forgiveness involves acknowledging
and accepting what has happened. Acceptance releases us
from blaming ourselves and others and allows us to move forward. To forgive yourself, reflect on the circumstances
that led to past mistakes, acknowledge the pain you experienced, and identify what you learned
from the situation. Then say to yourself, "I forgive you,"
in an honest and kind way. Second, practice self-acceptance. I think many of us
struggle with low self-worth because we think
there's something wrong with us and we refuse to accept ourselves the way we are. We receive so many messages
that we are not OK the way we are. We're told that we need to change
our bodies, our clothes, our jobs, even our personalities, to be acceptable. See if you can let go
of the thoughts you have about how you think you should feel,
look, and be different. Instead, focus on the things
you like about yourself. And over time, begin to embrace your quirks,
your awkward laugh, your crooked smile, your unusual way of thinking about things. Through this acceptance, you are acknowledging
that you are worthy just the way you are. Step three, be there for yourself
when life gets rough. I think many of us abandon ourselves
during times of challenge. We engage in harsh self-criticism,
which only leaves us feeling worse. And what we need most
when we are going through a difficult time is for someone to say, "I see you. I see how badly you're hurting. I'm here." And we can do this for ourselves. The next time you experience
emotional pain, acknowledge how you are feeling
and offer yourself some comfort. Place your hand on your chest
or give yourself a hug, and say something kind
and soothing to yourself. Finally, connect to supportive people. Low self-worth can leave us
feeling isolated and alone. And when we think
there's something wrong with us, we tend to pull away
from our relationships, and this isolation only exacerbates
our feelings of unworthiness. Knowing that we are not alone
in our struggles and pain reminds us that challenges
do not make us unworthy. Connecting to supportive people helps us to get in touch
with our humanity and our sense of worth. This journey to unconditional self-worth is not always easy. The path is not straight or smooth,
and you'll face setbacks along the way. I certainly have. It takes courage to free yourself from the conditions
you've placed on your worth. The process of forgiveness can be messy. It can be scary
to accept ourselves as we are. Being there for ourselves can put us
face-to-face with emotional pain. And connecting to others
can make us feel vulnerable. And I'm here to tell you that this journey is beautiful
and worth taking. On this journey, you will find strength,
be grounded in your humanity, and know that you are worthy. So I challenge you to embrace yourselves and begin living
from a place of worthiness, to find your metaphorical dance floor and move freely. Yes, I said "dance floor." And I returned to the dance floor because that's where my own struggles
with unworthiness began. But I've learned a few new moves
since junior high. Last summer, I went to the Hyde Park
Jazz Festival by myself. And as I sat watching people
dancing to the live music, I longed to get up and join them. But all of my old insecurities about my dance moves
and not being chosen showed up. Luckily, an elderly man
invited me to dance, and after a song or two,
I began dancing on my own. And as the notes
of Latin jazz filled the air and I moved my body to the rhythm, I felt free, I felt exuberant, I felt full of life, I felt worthy. Thank you. (Applause)
