5 Things Secure People Just Don't Do

there are certain things that more secure people just don't do and it's not because they might not be tempted to do those things they might not want to do those things they might not be drawn to do those things but because they know that even if doing these things might feel good in the moment the longer-term impact and in the bigger picture doing these things will have a negative and detrimental and even harmful effect on their self-esteem their sense of self security their sense of self-worth and so they actively don't do these things now the good news is that this one works both ways we can make an intentional effort to not do these things to avoid doing these things and that actually will help us build our sense of self security and milk will make us feel more secure and also as we are feeling more secure we will just sort of automatically not be quite as tempted to do these things so it works both ways and has kind of this beautiful feedback loop so stay tuned I'm going to talk to you about five of the big ones that people who are more secure that they don't do that both helps them feel more secure and is actually also a natural expression natural kind of habit of people who are more secure if you're new to me and this is the first time we're connecting my name is Julia Cristina and I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and an online course creator I have a master's degree in counseling psychology and a work to help men and women get through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day and the truth is a lot of us have a lot of crap that is preventing us from liking ourselves and our lives and a lot of this crap is ideas or beliefs or habits that we are intentionally and sometimes even unintentionally doing that are bringing us down and holding us back and making us feel more insecure so what we gonna do what are we gonna do to turn this one around and if you're ready to turn this one around leave a comment in the comment section below and say I am ready I am so ready to start feeling more secure to start feeling more comfortable with myself to feel more confident in Who I am and feel less like I need to prove my value and Worth and more ready to just believe it and feel it from the inside out the first one the first thing that secure people don't do is feel the need to control everything they they don't always need to know all the details all the ins and outs how long is it gonna be who's gonna be there what's it gonna be like what's the lighting gonna be like what's the food gonna be like what's the energy gonna be like what are the conversations gonna be what are people gonna think what are people gonna do they don't always need to know exactly how everything is going to go did you know that a need for control and need for over control is an expression of insecurity and it's because when we feel like we need to control everything it's because we are not doing something that's really important that more secure people do is that they trust they don't need to control everything because they trust that they're going to be able to adapt and adjust and figure it out they don't need to know all the details because they feel secure enough in themselves and they trust themselves enough to know that they will be able to handle what comes their way and they also know that they will be able to set boundaries and they will be able to say no and they will be able to remove themselves from things that are not okay with them and so they will be able to adapt to different situations they will be able to adapt and adjust they trust themselves but then they also know and they trust themselves to know that if something really isn't okay it's okay to walk away it's okay to turn around it's okay to politely excuse themselves it's okay to say this isn't for me this doesn't work I'm not okay with this so they don't need to control everything and then on the flip side of this one sort of along the same lines and this is still our first one is they also don't give up all control and what I mean by this is they don't sort of pass the buck and never make any decisions and never have any input and never kind of throw their hat in the ring they don't stand idly by passively by and make let everyone else make their decisions for them and the reason why people who are feeling more insecure let everybody else make their decisions for them they might think that they're being this really nice lovely accommodating person but it really oftentimes comes from a fear of accidentally upsetting someone or putting somebody out or that somebody might disagree with them and so they hold back they don't say anything they don't show up in their relationships in different situations in different interactions and it's not because necessarily they're trying to be this lovely accommodating person and if it is great but if it's out of fear it's if it's out of a feeling of insecurity that I don't I'm scared I'm scared of upsetting some I'm scared of putting somebody out I'm scared of someone seeing me a certain way that's not okay either secure people don't over control but they also don't just pass the buck off to any everyone else they show up they stand up they stand firm in who they are they don't lay down and let other people push them around but they also don't lurch forward and try to push everybody else around which one of these do you kind of tend to do confession time weed I use someone who tries to over control or use somebody who kind of tends to avoid more stand on the sidelines and not actively participate let me know in the comments section below that there's no judgment here there's just honesty and insight because we need to have these honest conversations with ourselves and this insight in order to learn and grow and and move through some of these unhelpful habits or ways of being that we've adapted and adopted and I'm not good for us are not healthy for us and are not helping us in our plight to feel more secure self accepting and self loving the next one secure people don't talk about themselves all the time secure people don't feel the need to talk about how wonderful and great and amazing and an accomplished and successful and rich and powerful and wealthy they are they believe in themselves and on the inside so they don't feel the need to run around and prove it so if you ever see anyone who is trying to make themselves sound so wonderful and great I'm trying to prove how awesome they are and they almost never seem to shut up about it it's not because they they actually believe they are that great it's because they feel insecure and they're overcompensating they are struggling and they're trying to prove and get other people to see them as great because they feel like if other people see them as great maybe just maybe they will be able to see themselves as great and worthy and worthwhile and significant secure people don't need to shout it from the rooftops don't need to brag and prove how wonderful they are because they have a deep sense of security and Worth and love and belonging that comes from within and is expressed from the inside out in a way of showing up not in a way of proving overcompensating or bragging on the other side of it some of you might be thinking I'm not the kind of person that is in your face and bragging and trying to like totin and shout all of my accomplishments and all my greatness to try and prove to people I'm actually the opposite I never talk about myself I never say anything good that I've done I never allow myself to be proud of myself I not egotistical I'm not a bragger but actually that's not good either now I'm not saying that it's good to go around and brag and end and self promote and be all like I'm so great but it's okay to show up and own and stand in our success and accomplishments not saying that I'm so great but being able to say I am grateful that I have been able to accomplish these things that I've been able to do these things that I've been able to use my skills and my strength and my courage to show up in life and go for my goals go for my dreams have these successes reach these milestones it's okay to own that stuff it's okay to speak up to be open and honest and to share and to celebrate that is okay so either end of this one over bragging about ourselves or or or just sort of staying small and hidden and shy and never showing up and sharing neither one is good secure people find that middle ground where they show up and share let them into the alliteration apparently where they show up share and shine authentically and with gratitude and with humility it's not that I'm so great it's that I am great full which one of these do you tend to do do you tend to be you know full confession time again do you tend to talk about yourself a little too much to try and get other people to believe in you are you trying to prove that you're good enough or you allowing yourself to show up and be who you are and trusting that other people will see that and as long as you believe it other people won't be able to help but follow suit as well or are you somebody who doesn't ever show up and share anything let me know in the comments section below the next one secur people and this is going to be a tough one because I think that most of us present company included have done this one looking for and pointing out other people's flaws now might sound like or might seem like we're just it's just our opinion we don't agree with that person we don't really you know see things their way and that is fine it doesn't mean that we have to agree with everyone that we have to be on board with everyone we're allowed to have our own ideas perspectives and opinions and not drink the kool-aid the even if you know everyone in your community or everyone and in whatever social circle you're in it has drunk that kool-aid you're allowed to still say I don't agree but what we're but secure people don't put other people down for their views they don't try to boost themselves up on the shoulders of other people by pushing other people down because when we're doing that when we are trying to make someone else look bad to make ourselves feel better then it's a false sense of security because as human beings we are not designed to push other people down we are designed for connection and so every any time we are severing that connection by putting somebody else down by belittling or even dehumanizing someone for having a difference for doing something different thinking something different being something different than us then we are standing on somebody else we are crushing somebody else we are making ourselves superior to somebody else in order to feel good about ourselves the other thing and here's something really fascinating as you work on being a more secure person and feeling more comfortable and confident in who you are and this is one of the coolest things and this is something that I realized from my own experience which was one of the most amazing and powerful things from working on my own self-esteem my own confidence my own sense of security is that people who are secure not only intentionally don't criticize and put other people down and try make themselves feel better by putting other people down and pointing out everybody else's flaws they actually stop noticing it actually stops even occurring to them to find a flaw in somebody else because there's no need for it when we are picking other people apart and trying to find their flaws to make ourselves feel better when we already feel good about ourselves we don't do that anymore because there's no need for it we already feel good about who we are so we don't need to put somebody else down in order to reach that goal the goal has been reached we are there so there's no need for it we actually stop noticing and feeling that sort of draw we don't even really notice other people's flaws as much if at all interesting I put a quote on this in Instagram and one of my favorite quotes and this is kind of a bit of a tough one for some of us to wrap our heads around to really absorb but the truth is is that judgement is the first thing I see in you because it's the last thing I want to see in me so judgment is the first thing I see in you because it's the last thing I see and you want to see in me oftentimes we are judging others to protect ourselves to try and feel better about ourselves because we don't want to look inwards we don't want to work on our own stuff we don't want to see the areas in us that need to be dealt with that need healing and so we project that onto other people kind of a bit of a tougher one to wrap our heads around but a powerful one the next one people who are secure don't over apologize do you ever find yourself over apologizing for things or not apologizing at all so secure people they don't say well I can't do anything wrong I'm amazing I'm wonderful I never do anything wrong so I don't need to apologize and they don't take the other sense of saying oh my gosh it's all my fault I can't do anything right I just suck I'm no good they don't do either they take responsibility for the stuff that is there and they're not afraid there's and they're not afraid to say sorry when a sori is necessary when they have intentionally or unintentionally offended or hurt or harm somebody else that they're okay with saying you know what I am really sorry either I was just being a jerk and having a bad day and it wasn't okay for me to take it out on you or you know what that was really not my intention I really didn't mean it that way and I apologized that you that you were hurt by that so they allow themselves to take responsibility and say sorry but they also don't say they don't become the martyr and say oh it's all my fault I can't do anything right they take the appropriate amount of responsibility and I know some people play the martyr and think well I always I never avoid responsibility I say everything's my fault I take responsibility for everything but that's not taking responsibility that's not being that's not being honest and open and seeing what part is yours and what part is somebody else's it's not playing the martyr it's not by overly overly blaming yourself it's about taking responsibility for the part that is yours nothing more nothing less the next one and this is one of my favorite ones because this is one of the biggest ones that people do to try and feel more secure but it actually has the opposite effect so secure people they know that they are not perfect and they accept themselves as imperfect because most of us are doing the opposite we are trying so hard to perfect to make everything just right to make everything perfect and wonderful and amazing and flawless and devoid of any kind of failure or misstep because we think that is going to be the thing that makes us feel secure that makes us feel confident and comfortable with who it who we are but the truth is it has the exact opposite effect because none of us our perfect perfection is impossible and the harder we strive for something that is unattainable the more discouraged frustrated and unhappy we feel because we feel like we're not good enough because we can't reach perfection we can't reach something that is unreachable secure people they know they're imperfect they accept themselves as imperfect they don't resign themselves to being stuck in whatever their struggles are but they accept and acknowledge that themselves as having struggles things that they want to work through not to try to be perfect but to try and learn and grow do you see the difference secure people no they're imperfect they're okay with being imperfect one of my favorite quotes that I put in Instagram around this one is the truth for all of us I'm not perfect you're not perfect and that's just perfect amen if that resonated with you put in the comments section below holy cow I'm not perfect and that's just perfect I also have a download for you a mindfulness exercise to help us learn to connect with ourselves more and to get less caught up in the stuff on the outside all these things that come in and try to knock us off our feet and make us feel insecure and that helps us feel just sort of more Center and grounded within ourselves it's a ten minute guided mindfulness exercise the link is gonna be below make sure you grab that come and join my facebook group full of heart centered go-getter men and women who are sensitive loving caring and also committed to learning and growing and stretching in the best ways like the video subscribe to the channel connect with me in the comment section below and thanks for being here until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 430,755

Keywords: self-esteem, how to build your relationship with yourself, how to build your self-esteem, how to feel more comfortable with yourself, how to feel less insecure, how to increase your confidence, Matthew Hussey, Talk Therapy Channel, julia kristina counselling, things secure people don't do, things confident people do, things secure people do, how to know if you are insecure, what secure people don't do, what secure people do, things secure people just don't do, self-confidence

Id: Qn76hx3GqPc

Length: 19min 46sec (1186 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 05 2018