Signs - Nostalgia Critic

hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it so you don't have to pour M night Shyamalan and I mean that here's a guy who peeked far too early was built up as one of the great directors after only doing a few films and obviously had way too many ideas that weren't thought-out enough and kept getting green-lighted however it's M night Shyamalan likes to say looks like it was meant to be but everyone has the same question when did the slippery slope of a sneeze begin some say was with the village others say was with the happening but for me I think it all goes back to the invasion of the plot holes signs yeah I know the movie was a big hit when it came out yeah I know the critics liked it yeah I know the magazines were calling sha Millan the next Spielberg after and premiered yeah seriously the next feel Bert you called that one Newsweek yeah I know a ton of people did and still really really enjoy this film but you don't know anything you're doing you think you don't know any better okay it's not well written it's not well directed it's not well acted it's not well okay so let me enlighten you as to why this film is not well this is signs we open with Mel Gibson when his name was proud to be pleased about the title as opposed to being shamefully shoved into the and category as he wakes up to the sound of his daughter screaming his brother played by Joaquin Phoenix also goes out to check the trouble Oh where's Morgan oh I am my dream Chan Morgan what's happening Dodger barking oh gosh uh ah yes see that bland non-expressive dead face that only a Culkin can give you get used to that folks there's a lot of it in the rest of this movie so they see that there are crop circles in the middle of their fields wait why did that warrant the little girl going at this dumped corn really frightened her that much and okay directing 101 it usually helps if you tell us the name of the place before you give us five minutes of a scene it's like an alien suddenly saying Danny Pete sicky-sick once you take him outside I'll call dr. Crawford he doesn't change I don't know what to do yeah come on dog anatomy is pretty close to human anatomy right oh that was quick Carolina I only called you folks two hours ago Oh mrs. Kendal but twisted her ankle as she puts that diving for her life was a bunch of school kids rode down the sidewalk on skateboards she went down to Thornton store this morning and started spittin on the new skateboards spittin by the time I got there mrs. Kettleman had sprayed the whole damn place forgive me what I'm doing is called Tarantino Inge where you talk about something that has nothing to do with the rest of the story but is kind of funny and a little quirky it was very avant-garde in its day and used to develop some strong character traits but now it's just you as as a cheap gimmick for pretentious screenwriters to draw a ton of attention to their writing style as opposed to serving the plot by the way I'm mostly pointless in this I don't even draw my gun in this movie aliens attacking and I never draw my gun that is a [ __ ] meanwhile his two kids find that their dog is acting a little funny bow don't run strong boy stop it mania what careful dog you might get that Culkin to slightly open his eyes a little don't even get me started on the possibilities overloading some animals around the county been acting funny it's another violent what is it upon us I don't think so father Caroline please stop calling me Father what's wrong I don't hear my children Thank You mr. line mm-hmm uh here we go uh Mel Gibson turns as if something is wrong as he says the line I think something is wrong which gives the cop reason to ask what's wrong seriously directing 101 fell on me want to kill both so wait a minute a crop circle gets the girl going yeah but when a dog tries to attack her she sits calmly with her legs folded for that matter Gibson caught the absence of his kids whispering in the distance yet the stabbing of a violent animal somehow didn't catch his ear he can pick up but he can't pick up what about selective hearing no well maybe it's the fact that there's so much goddamn low-level whispering in this movie that the actual absence of it seems legitimately startling looks like it was meant to me that night Gibson is woken up by another disturbance maybe he can't hear the crickets chirping there's a monster outside my room as a classroom blogger my god his black suit spider-man stop him before he does a tap dance routine we both go outside move around the house and opposite directions we act crazy in the same thing you're making crap in their pants for some rounds we meet up on the other side explain that crazy no I don't know what's something like this they see garbage spilled over but then somehow black suit spider-man got to the roof again yes alien report stepped on roof and swung on swing very confusing mission accomplished will now go to Arkansas to put toast in toaster and slide down slide they call the cop in the morning and we partake in yet another favorite of sha Milan's the pointless pan across so how are you Meryl Oh huh how was work at the gas station stimulating I never got a chance to tell you but now here's the thing with these kind of shots these can work if they're trying to get across an uncomfortable mood or unworldly environment but through most of the movie we're in everyday farmland which obviously isn't that scary and these shots are done during non suspenseful moments so once again it just serves to shove the style in our faces as opposed to actually get us engrossed in the situation but don't worry there's still plenty of needlessly slow dialogue to suck you back in how certain are you that this was a male oh I don't know any girls who could run like that I don't know male I've seen some of those women on the Olympics they can run like the wind this guy got on our roof in like a second our roof is 10 feet high they have women's high jumping in the Olympics I got these Scandinavian women who can jump clean over me okay we're sexist dicks who don't watch the Olympics will you arrest something aliens didn't think we see those in this movie up science first emerged in the late 70s with renewed interest in extraterrestrial life they died out by the early eighties dismissed as hoaxes this new resurgence is wholly different the speed and the quantity in which it has appeared implies the coordination of hundreds of individuals over many countries either this is one of the most elaborate hoaxes ever created or basically it's for real that's right people years ago did crop circles as an elaborate hoax to convince people that aliens were real but in a frigging unbelievable coincidence the real aliens had the exact same way of communicating as those hoaxes what are the [ __ ] odds the strike was meant to be the next day they all go into town to run some errands and we figure out from poor exposition that Gibson used to be a reverend right after another pointless van shot it was asthma medicine right father Morgan has and it's not father anymore we also get some amazingly hokey acting from this general guy after you guessed it I've had two separate folks tell me they're been strangers around these parts last couple nights can't tell what they look like because they're staying in the shadows covert like nobody's been hurt mind you and that's the giveaway it's a military procedure send out a reconnaissance group very small check things out not to engage but to evaluate the situation evaluate the level of danger oh I apologize I don't really talk this way I'm just auditioning for our Twilight Zone episode that's the get away make sure things are all clear clear for what for the rest of them what are you sucking on your mom's teat close your lips you weirdo Disney's Hall of Presidents is more natural than you [ __ ] I know you your barrel Hess mm I was there the day you hit that 507 footer over the left-field wall hmm set the record hmm and that thing had a motor mm still the record right mm got the bat at home why weren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and getting your toes licked by beautiful women toes look you'll get much hair off this guy he's waving me out I mean he's the alien in this movie he has the minor-league strikeout record hello Lana Romero's like class a screw-up you just swing that bat as hard as you could every time didn't matter what the coaches said didn't matter who was on base you just whip that back to the air as hard as you could thanks person who clearly has a connection to Joaquin Phoenix though we don't know what it is and we will never see again I will not miss you looks like it was meant to me they need for lunch in a restaurant when we come across another staple of M night Shyamalan M night Shyamalan he plays the man who accidentally ran over Gibson's wife hence the reason Gibson lost his faith but that's brushed aside for another scene where he hears some noise and his crops again you know for a guy who apparently owns all these fields you never seem to any farm work I'm not gonna report this or anything you do to my crops to the news or TV or anybody oh my god he's being invaded by Kermit the Frog hey I understand you haven't subscribed to the Muppet YouTube channel yet don't make me shove the Rainbow Connection up your ass it's not easy being dead why dad you look so dramatic I never see you like this let's turn on the TV they decide to finally turn on the TV and see that the aliens are indeed landing or just hovering around in the skies for a bit why nobody approaches them or takes them down is anybody's guess my ballet recital listen Bo this is very important everything people have written about in science books is going to change the history of the world's future is on the TV right now we need to record the shake and show your children this tape and say you were there for your children Bo what kid talks like this it's like a [ __ ] real old version of Morpheus you're here because you know something what do you know you can't explain what you feel it you felt it your entire life but there's something wrong with the world you don't know what it is but it's there like a splinter in your mind driving you mad it is this healing is rocky to me whoa this image has not been adjusted or enhanced in any way what you're seeing is real it's unbelievable everything they wrote in science books is about to change okay so we're in a world where the children talk like adults and the adults talk like children let's hear some more of that jolting unrealistic talk shall we you said there are two reasons you want extraterrestrials or visit us to make contact in the spirit of exploration and furthering the knowledge of the universe or the other reason they're hostile well if mankind is as emotionally dead as you are I don't think they'll learn much from us oh well these credible kindergarten drawings will certainly convey the seriousness of the books intent oh there's also drawing up their house on fire in the book with three dead people that look like them outside my god this obviously means wait no what does this mean the author knows they're going to die met them before and do an illustration of the quicker distraction before you think about too much that'll do the trick let's see what my tea is up to here never fallen asleep driving before it had to be at that right moment that 10 15 seconds when I passed her walking was like it was meant to be I know that's not the best thing for a murderer to tell a murder victim's husband but what can I say him a bad writer he's places marked and crops and such none of them are really near water I don't think they like water did you see something right I'm truly sorry for what I've done to you and yours don't open my pantry father I found one of them in there locked him in okay let's try this conversation again you start with holy [ __ ] I got an alien in my house to call the cops to call the FBI call the news the world deserves to know then you move on to oh by the way I'm sorry I hit your wife like I was playing a game of Crazy Taxi this would be closer to a typical human reaction something Shyamalan like the aliens knows very little about hello Gibson goes in to try and sneak a peek but these giant aliens somehow slip their teeny tiny hands through the bottom of the door and try to attack it go with God [ __ ] aah and a good manicurist rather than call the police because that's what anyone not in a shamble on film would do he goes home and sees everybody continues to watch TV this video was taken yesterday afternoon son seventh birthday in the city of passo fundo Brazil all initial opinions are this is genuine what you're about to see may disturb you boy there's a lot of build-up for this I can't wait to see the incredibly scary and of course original design of this thing oh my god like every other alien I've ever seen in every other movie whoa ground forces have been assembled in countries throughout the globe hundreds of thousands have flocked to temples synagogues and churches God be with us all well good job to the newscasters for not spreading panic or alarm when have you ever heard a newscaster talk like this what kind of overly emotional fear driven news corporation acts like that you know that was Kevin so the family decides to hold down the fort you know stay in the area where they absolutely know the aliens are and try to defend themselves we're going to board up every window in this house out of hell ports we'll do anything because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors really Shawn what did you read that line out loud did did you ever read that line out loud you killing it you you clearly cut out I mean you just stated that these technologically advanced aliens these creatures that we are supposed to be afraid of cannot get through pantry doors they can build spacecraft that can jump millions of miles across space but they seem to have trouble with pantry doors they can take these exact same spacecrafts and turn them invisible so that nobody else can find those years above our technology but they seem to have trouble with pantry doors they're gonna take over a planet but they seem to have trouble with pantry doors they're going to wipe out Oh kind but they seem to have trouble with pantry doors you can't be this stupid I mean you literally just say it out loud why this movie can't work you Maura hey I hate to borrow from a subpar comedy but change its Terry movie three they mastered Space Flight but they can't get through a wooden door you see what you did there mommy did you see what you did you just make Charlie Sheen write about something you did that movie dad I'd imagine gun this steadfast and logically holy shit-fuck race of aliens stop come to a halt by a [ __ ] pan Cherie so they board up the windows with one because hey pantry doors are made out of one it seems to be their Achilles heel and as you'd expect the aliens cannot [ __ ] get past it seriously I give anything to see what these aliens are saying when they actually do start their attack is wrong order Tori Oh God we're all Archie you're not Google Oh Donna [ __ ] God I did that I won't move move along with that eateth a bendable wrong-o peanut Esau gone wrong you know what happened when you were born Morgan oh dang and your mama kept bleeding so the doctors rest you out of the room before I even had time to see that sauna there on the roof don't go Isabella while they were fixing her up while she kept asking about was you there in the house I wanted your mama to see you first because she had dreamed about you I mentioned a feeling better they brought you in and they placed you in her arms o Lord of your role and you looked at her and you just stared each other for the longest time ah yeah God not-not-not it she said real soft hello Morgan I'm your mama just how I dreamed Coco ship smoke nothing bad in the night Anna oh boy so they hide in the basement but thank God another door is there to protect them oh go [ __ ] Nick God but one of them gets the bright idea to try and grab the kid from the window which calls us into heaven asthma attack but luckily the father is there and manages to calming down after spending the night down there yeah they never figured out how to get through the door they hear on the radio that apparently the aliens were defeated and here's a big shock they were defeated very quickly no their tactical maneuvers were so flawless as only two just don't put any doors in their way they're practically invincible some bring the TV but what do you know one bullet worked however in a totally forced flashback we see Gibson talked to his wife for the last time who was pinned against a tree just taking a walk before dinner you know thanks thanks for reminding her that for me to play games did you of play it's okay to be silly hey Bill did you of Scilly tell Grimm tell him to see if you won't see me till your 220 came I would be coming home this Christmas yes at the time it didn't make sense but now Gibson knows that the term swing-away was I swear to god I'm not kidding here God's Way of telling Gibson in the future that Joaquin Phoenix is supposed to swing his bat to defeat the alien no swing-away of course who would have possibly put together that the best way to defeat this thing was to beat the [ __ ] out of it nobody could have come to that conclusion obviously God had to kill a reference wife in order for somebody to figure that out it just makes perfect sense oh and you wanna know what the big twist was in this one apparently the only thing that can kill the aliens is water yeah it's like acid - one drop hurts them like crazy hmm probably should have thought that through before attacking a planet nicely covered in water my god we were afraid of these things they have three major easily accessible weaknesses water wood and blunt instruments hell if God really wanted to get his message across he would have had his dying wife say hey this is gonna sound a little crazy but if aliens attack go get a lake house he thinks she was crazy like he already did before but hey when aliens attacked that both home is suddenly looking affordable isn't it unfortunately the aliens sprayed the kid with poison gas but luckily his lungs were closed due to the asthma so he's okay that's right the message of the story is that everything has and always will fall perfectly into place the day is saved everything happens for a reason which means that his faith is restored and he goes back to being a reverend gotta hand it to you God you do work in mysterious ways for in the grand plan he took Gibson's faith away just so he could give it right back to him so in reality nothing has changed at all except a visit dead-white depicts if it but still thank you God thank you for killing my beloved just so everything could go back to exactly the way it was before again mine is the loving supporting wife that you so cruelly took away from me but hey I'm sure that was all part of your plan to keep things exactly the way they were mine is the loving supportive wife that you took away from me but I know in your plan you wanted everything to go this way which is exactly how it was before again - the loving supportive wife that you took away from me but I know that you get God's [ __ ] up he plans ahead about as much as he's dumbass aliens - or let's be honest here and nice shallow hot dogs I'm sorry but this movie's horrible I never got why so many people liked it it's overly dramatic annoyingly slow has a real ego when it comes to its own style and of course any sense of logic is totally ignored there's millions of other twins you could have done to this movie like how about the aliens were trying to help people like bring them a cure or something or maybe there were no aliens it was all in elaborate hoax that would have been unexpected or hell maybe none of this was going on and Gibson in Phoenix were just goddamn nuts hell maybe the TV was never even on no just anything is better than today like water and it turns out they don't like water don't you just send your twist in the first half of the movie don't even know that makes it a twist know what's really scary about this movie bet so many goddamn people enjoyed it as trouble honest tell getting work because of it I've missed our critic Irie man excuse me I gotta so many goddamn people enjoyed it and some on is still get aliens what's liked was mentally you

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 1,127,955

Rating: 4.7518907 out of 5

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, signs, movie review, film review, signs review, signs movie review, m night shyamalan, shyamalan signs review

Id: 8IofQg1QIBE

Length: 27min 43sec (1663 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 12 2016