- Ah, back to the old
prison cell. (laughs) What time is it,
10 AM on a Tuesday? Looks like it's time for
this guy to take a drink. You know, in Vegas,
there are no rules when it comes to drinking,
and I should know, because I violated several
of them. (chuckles) Oh shoot, I wasn't supposed
to say what happened in Vegas. Scratch that last part. Hey, sweetheart, (smooches)
come here. (slaps leg) (smooches) Come on woman,
lady, come on girl, (smooches) come on
adult woman. (slaps leg) Come on, get up,
hey honey, hey tits. Oh that reminds me, I'm gonna be way more degrading
to women from here on out. Hey baby girl, where you at? Babe I said I'm sorry. - [Woman] Shut up
with your Vegas crap, do not call me gerbil tits. - [Gus] Babe please
go easy on me, I'm just a 35 year
old trust fund kid who has never had to face
consequences for my actions. You know they let you just smoke
right at the tables, right? Pretty much, like... (imitates smoking a cigarette) That would be me, except my wife doesn't like me
smoking in here, so. Aw, I love the
smell of the casino. (inhales sharply) Smells like a Denny's in 1972. Oh boy, that smell
could kill a newborn. All right, let's
deal some blackjack. See these babies right here? Picked these babies up
at the Bellagio hotel. These guys right here
only cost me $20. Pretty much didn't cost
me a single cent though, because I sat down at the
rock and roll slot machines, and won $80, before
losing a further $375. So I can't afford real, I mean, I can't find my real chips, so today we're gonna be
using the government's chips. I'm pretty much a
whiz at blackjack, I'll teach you everything
you need to know. See, the trick to blackjack
is every time you bet, you need to splash your
chips all over the table. (coins clink) See, the trick to blackjack is
to take it out on the dealer every time you're
dealt bad cards. God, Jerry, you're dealing
like a bitch tonight. See, the trick to blackjack
is to get way too drunk and talk way too loudly to the
other players at the table, assuming they're your friends, even though they really hate you for holding up the game so bad. See, the trick to blackjack is
to complain very loudly that there are no drink
ladies around, that way you can leave the
table in a childish huff without tipping
the dealer. (burps) Shuffle these babies up. Can't remember if you keep
these in, we'll keep them in. Yeah, so I pretty much
know a perfect strategy. Hit me. Hey, check out this cool
book of matches they gave me. They pretty much give
those things away for free whenever you buy a $30 drink. (rattles dice)
Hey can I get some underpaid casino
worker to come over here and blow on these very
sweaty dice for me? D'you think they have
prostitutes on Postmates? God I miss playing the slots. I like to rub my fingers all
over the screen for good luck, because I think it affects the outcome of the game
in any way, it's the best. I like to wear these
cool shades in the casino because it does a good job
of hiding the fact that I am desperately trying
to keep up at all times. Oh shit I forgot I, ow,
(hits table) bet on the horse races. So I actually don't know
anything about horse racing, but I just picked
the horse with like, the frickin' funniest name ever, and I put like, I don't
know, 60 K on him I think? They're goin',
they're racing now. God, you know, those really are beautiful,
magnificent creatures, that one's dick is
flailing like crazy. D'oh! (sobs) Oh I'm so screwed,
I'm so screwed. I just lost $90,000. I lied before when I said
it was only 60, it was 90. I was lying again,
it was $205,000. Stop doing this! (sobs) Why couldn't I just die
in a skiing accident, like my cousin Joe,
fuck you Joe. (sobs) Oh I need a minute. (sobs) (farts)
Oh! (breathes heavily) Hey dad, yeah it's me,
yeah I did it again, $30,000 times four. Yeah I know I lost it all. Dad, no, please, daddy, dad
sweet dad, no, dad, papa! Listen to this,
dad. (slaps phone) That's me hitting my frickin'
head, I'm serious how, that's how serious I am. Dad I swear to god
it's the last time, I say, swear to frickin'
god himself, dad. Oh my god, thank you dad,
thank you you so much, oh you're so cool right
now, I love you so much dad, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ooh, dad's gonna bail me out, thank god I did not have to
learn my lesson that time.
