It's been almost a week, a whole week since Donald Trump
became president. -But... but it feels...
-(audience booing) Yeah. It feels
like a lot longer, right? (audience voicing assent) Like in Trump's presidency,
one day is like a year. I mean, this was me last Friday. -Look how innocent I was.
-(laughter) Look at me. Look how I've aged! It's hard to believe
that in less than seven days, we've had an inauguration packed
with empty space... (laughter) ...worldwide protests
that made it acceptable to say "pussy" in any context... (cheers and applause) ...confirmations,
executive orders, Sean Spicer lying
about how he'd never lie, and to top it all off,
Kellyanne Conway came in to say that the week<i>
didn't</i> happen because there are
no such things as weeks, only alternative days. (laughter) Now, outside
of a couple formal speeches, you realize
we haven't had a chance to see President Trump himself
on the job. But yesterday, he gave
the first television interview from his new home office
at The White House, or as he calls it,
the Mar-a-Lago of the north. -(laughter)
-But think about it. We've only ever known
Trump the candidate, but yesterday, we got introduced
to Trump, the president, who we learned is a man who,
from the get-go, is determined to create his own reality, starting
with how he gets the news. You took some heat
after your visit to the CIA, in front of that hallowed wall, 117 stars of those lost
at the CIA. That speech was a homerun. That speech--
if you look at Fox, okay... I'll mention, and your net...
Read... See what Fox said. They said it was one
of the great speeches. There was love in the room. You and other networks
covered it very inaccurately. I hate to say this to you, and
you probably won't put it on, but turn on Fox
and see how it was covered. -I love how he says "Fox."
-(laughter) But you see that there? Yeah. If the news is critical
of Donald Trump, it's fake news. -Only praise is real news.
-(audience voicing assent) Which is insane,
and it's also crazy -that all he does is watch Fox.
-(laughter) He doesn't want to read, he doesn't want
to have briefings. Trump watches Fox
to get his news! You realize the reason
that<i> we</i> need the news is because we don't have
what the president has, -which is all the information!
-(laughter) And then Trump is turning on
the news going, -"I wonder what I do today."
-(laughter) "I wonder what happens." -You are the news!
-(laughter) Can you imagine
how this must feel for the FBI, where they come in,
and then he's like, "Guys, did you know
about the shootings in Chicago?" And they're like,
"Yeah, we wrote about it in the report every day!" Now you realize what the CIA
and FBI have to do. You know what they should do? They should start making little
videos for Trump to watch. They should make news
especially for him, 'cause he's like little child. They're gonna have to come up and make, like,
a little production for him. Just like... (imitates
trumpet playing fanfare) It's CIA News!
Today, Donald Trump, the great Donald Trump needs
to know how to fight ISIS! And Trump will be like,
"Yay! That's me!" -(laughter) -"I'm on the news! ISIS Bad!"
-(applause and cheering) "Donald Trump good! Yay!" (applause and cheering continue) It's his own reality! He only accepts that news. So we learned
that President Trump only acknowledges the media
that praises him, and also, acknowledges only
the citizens who voted for him. Many of these people were
the forgotten men and women, many of them, and they loved
what I had to say. Part of my whole victory
was that the men and women
of this country who have been forgotten
will never be forgotten again. The forgotten men and women. They're not forgotten anymore
because they came out and voted. (as Trump): I keep a little note
on my fridge. It says, "Don't forget
to never forget "the forgotten men and women
we forgot. That way I never forget
what I just forgot about." (laughter) -(applause and cheering)
-What does that mean? Here's another way President Trump only works
within his own reality. It has to do with his executive
order to block immigration from a number
of Muslim countries. It's countries that have
tremendous terror, uh, and it's countries that
people are going to come in and cause us
tremendous problems. Let me ask you
about some of the countries that<i> won't</i> be on the list. Afghanistan, Pakistan,
Saudi Arabia... I don't want terror
in this country. You look at what happened
in San Bernardino, you look at what happened
all over. You look at what happened
in the World Trade Center. Okay? I mean,
take that as an example. Oh, okay, okay. Let's take that as an example. These are the countries
Trump will ban people from. In the San Bernardino shooting,
one of the terrorists was a U.S.-born citizen. The other person
was from Pakistan, a country<i> not</i> on Trump's list. <i> Or</i> let's look at 9/11. All the hijackers came
from these four countries. None of them on Trump's list. What he's doing
doesn't solve his problem. It's like if you got pregnant,
and then afterwards you said, "This is never happening again! "From now on, I'm only wearing
condoms on all my hands! -"Yeah! Yeah!
-(applause) Problem solved!" Here's the most disconcerting
part of the interview for me. It's not just how Donald Trump
perceives reality, it's the fact that as president he's now powerful enough
to shape it. Three to five million
illegal votes. That would be
the biggest electoral fraud in American history. Where is the evidence of that? You look at the dead people that are registered to vote
who vote, you look at people that
are registered in two states. When you say, in your opinion,
millions of illegal votes, that is something that is
extremely fundamental to our functioning democracy-- -Sure. Sure. Sure.
-a fair and free election. You say you're gonna launch -an investigation into this.
-Sure. Done. (laughter) (whispers):
I see dead people. (laughter) (applause, cheering) Who is this? You do understand...
because Donald Trump truly believes that he should
have won the popular vote, the federal government will now
spend a ton of money and time investigating
nonexistent voter fraud, which is not going to find you the two-state registered
Mexican ghosts who are voting. But instead,
all that's gonna happen is it's gonna end up as an excuse to restrict more
American citizens from voting. That's all that's gonna happen.
That's all that's... And by the way, dead people
using their power to vote? That's the weirdest<i> Walking Dead</i>
episode<i> ever.</i> -That is just strange.
-(applause, whooping) It's another reality. So... so here we are, one week
into Trump's presidency, and the realization
is beginning to dawn. The difference between candidate
Trump and President Trump is that now<i> we</i> have to live
in<i> his</i> crazy reality. And that fact hit me
when Trump said this. David, David... I mean, I know you're
a sophisticated guy. The world is a mess. The world is as angry
as it gets. Well, you think this is gonna
cause a little more anger? The world is an angry place. Jesus, dude. If he's gonna talk like that, I feel like he needs
a different style of makeup. David, David... I mean, I know you're
a sophisticated guy. -(audience cheering)
-The world is a mess. The world is as angry
as it gets. Well, you think this is gonna
cause a little more anger? The world is an angry place. (laughter) We're all his hostage. He's taken over<i> our</i> world.
