- From Comedy Central's
world news headquarters in New York, "The Daily Show
with Trevor Noah" presents... [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ - If you think Donald Trump
has problems with Muslim women, wait until you hear
what British politician Boris Johnson said this week. - Boris Johnson set out
to criticize Denmark for banning burqas in a recent
column for "The Telegraph," but instead, he became the
subject of scrutiny himself after insulting the
women who wear them. Johnson said,
among other things... - What? You know what's crazy
about this story? It's that he said that
while criticizing Denmark for banning the burqa. Like, he was, like,
"How dare you target "these mailbox-looking people? "You guys need to work
on your tolerance, you-- what, what, now I'm in trouble?
Oh, I see what happened." Damn, Boris.
Like, the guy probably had one bad experience
putting a letter inside a woman with a burqa,
and now he's trying to play it off like
we all get them confused. And also, just--by the way,
maybe Boris Johnson isn't the best person
to be criticizing the way other people look.
All right? Like, maybe he
should be wearing a burqa. Like, what's going on
over there? Look at this guy!
He looks like he just got out of the shower,
but somehow, it made him dirtier.
That's what he looks like. Like, Boris Johnson looks like
if Donald Trump drank. That's what he looks like.
He looks like if Owen Wilson was addicted to meth
and chocolate. That's what he looks like. [whimsical music] ♪ ♪ - Nearly three years
after voting to leave the European Union, the UK still can't figure out
how to actually do it. Right now,
Brexit is the world's biggest "escape the room."
That's all this is. Everyone's just confused, like, [British accent]
"Have you tried writing a new trade agreement?" "Doesn't work,
it's not working." "What about the Irish border?"
"It's stuck, it's stuck." "Expelliarmus!"
"That's not a real thing." "Well, it was worth a try." [Scottish accent]
"Ah, or we could just "stay in the room.
I like the room. I don't want to
leave the room." [British accent]
"Well, bloody hell, it wouldn't be an 'escape the room' if we
didn't escape, did it?" "Well, I know
this seems complicated, but let me
break it down for you." "John Oliver! John Oliver,
you're here to save us." "No, actually,
I live in America now, "so this is
your [bleep] problem. "But I do have
a very funny way to explain "how totally
[bleep] screwed you are. So bloody [bleep] screwed." "Oh, my God!"
So that's basically Brexit. Uh-- [cheers and applause] Thank you.
Thank you very much. [soft string music] ♪ ♪ The British parliament,
this week, has been working on a vote
for their upcoming Brexit deal, and it has been
a complete shitshow. Or as the British call it,
a parade of poo. And yesterday, one MP snapped. - A liberal member of
the House of Commons did this. He took matters
into his own hands by attempting to remove
the mace from the chamber. Now, the mace is basically
a gold crown on a five foot gold stick. It represents the authority
of the Queen in Parliament, and without the mace
in the room, they can't meet or pass laws. - Put it down, put it back.
No, no, no, no, no. Order, order.
No, no, no. - Okay. [laughter] First of all,
they can still make the laws. It's just a stick. And secondly, that was
the most British heist I've ever seen in my life. It was like, "Pardon me,
I'll be stealing this now. Pardon me, pardon me." And the other guy is like,
"Actually, sir, please refrain from that." "You're right, there you are.
Good day, good day." And I also like that the Queen
got so sick of showing up
in Parliament meetings, she was just, like,
"You know what? "From now on,
this stick is in charge. "Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to spend some tax money
on my 14th corgi." [bright music] ♪ ♪ Just look at the
British healthcare system. Yes, you guys might
have universal coverage for all your citizens,
but for one patient, you done [bleep] up. - A man has been
mistakenly circumcised while under the care
of Leicester's Hospital, according to a new report. The patient was meant
to be having a procedure to look inside his bladder
using a thin camera. The error was revealed by the
clinical commissioning group in compiling so-called
"never events" because they should
never happen. - Oh, my word. A patient was
accidentally circumcised. That is messed up. Have you ever
gone to the barber, and then, they took a little
too much off your hair? Remember how you
freaked out, yeah? Now imagine if that happened
to your dick. Huh?
Imagine. Because you can't wear a hat
on your dick to cover it up. Yeah, you can't be, like, "Sorry, it's just
so bright out today. The sun gets in
my dick's eyes, yeah." Accidentally circumcised? Now I'm worried that they
switched other charts. Like, so someone else
in the hospital went home with
an extra foreskin. The friend was, like, "I thought you were just
getting Botox." It's like,
"That's what I thought, too!" [laughter] [applause] And it's not just Britain's
health service having issues. It's also one of
their airline companies. Because British Airways--
you guys can say it with me. all: You done [bleep] up! - A British Airways flight
headed for Germany mistakenly ended up
in Scotland. - BA3271's supposed to fly
from London straight over the English
channel and onto Germany. Instead, the plane took off
to the north, flew over most of England
before crossing into Scotland and landing
in Edinburgh. The problem: A ground stamper
typed the wrong airport code into the flight plan
and no one noticed. The pilots assumed they were
supposed to go to Edinburgh. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
British Airways was trying to fly to Germany
and flew to Scotland instead? Man, Brexit is screwed. I don't know how Britain
is going to leave Europe if they can't even find their
way out of their own country. Brexit will probably
end up, like, "We did it,
we're out of the EU!" We're inde--no, no, no, no. Wait, wait,
we're still in the EU. And now, somehow,
we've also joined the WNBA. [laughter] ♪ ♪ - Moving onto my favorite story
of the year, and possibly my favorite story
in my entire life. - The concertina wire,
or the razor wire used to reinforce
the US/Mexico border is being stolen and sold
by Tijuana residents for protection due to
the city's high crime rate, according to officials. Some homes in the area
were also seen with the same razor wire added for an extra layer
of protection, but residents refused to say
where they got the material. [laughter] [cheers and applause] - Oh, no, I'm sorry, guys.
This is insane. You heard that right.
Mexico is stealing the wall. [laughter] Oh, man, oh, man,
I wish I could have been there when Donald Trump
saw this story on the news. Knowing him,
he'd probably be, like, "They did what?
Nancy, I'm going to need "you to spot me
another $8 billion. We're going to need another
wall to protect the first one." And I mean, now,
if they're stealing razor wire for their houses, they might as well just steal
the whole wall next, right? Because no one's
ever thought of that. It was, like,
"America will build a wall." No one ever thought
Mexico will steal it. Like, Mexicans will be
showing off their new home
security system, like-- "I built a wall
around my house, and Donald Trump paid for it." [cheers and applause] Oh, man. Oh, wow. Like, at this rate,
at this rate, Trump is just going to end up
building all of Tijuana up. They're going to start putting
in requests from Mexico. They'll be, like,
"You know what's really good "for keeping us out,
Señor Trump? "Yeah, garage doors, man. "You should put those
at the border. "The ones that fold.
Yeah, they scare us. Almost as much as
patio furniture, man." [bright music] We have to talk about
the big news of the day. And I mean big news. - A man in Australia
believes he owns the largest steer
in the country. So this is the herd.
Wait for it. Look at this thing. We're going to see it
in just a second. Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, my gosh. - Whoa, his name is Knickers. - He is 6'4'' tall, and weighs
almost 3,000 pounds. That's almost as tall
as Michael Jordan, and as heavy as a Mini Cooper. - Sweet Jesus. [laughter] I know there's tons of news happening in the world
right now. I know there's Trump.
I know there's things in Brexit with Britain, I know.
But look at that thing! What is going on in Australia? Why is every animal
down under so weird? Every animal.
Their ducks have fur. The kangaroos have
a built-in tummy purse. Like, I feel like Australia's doping all their animals
like they're Russian athletes. There's just some crazy guy
in Australia who's, like, "Oh, yeah, I'm finished
with my super spiders. Now I'll make a cow
the size of Michael Jordan." What are you guys
doing down there? And honestly, like, that cow
is so glorious, right? I bet it's so glorious
that last night, the Pope converted to Hinduism. He was, like,
"You know what, they're right. "Cows, man. I've been rolling
with Jesus for too long." Now, when I saw this giant cow, the first thing I thought was
"this is some dope weed." But a lot of other people
saw that cow and they took it
to a really dark place. - His massive size
is also what saved him. Knickers is too big for the
meat processing facility, so he will live out the rest
of his life with his herd. - He's too heavy
for the abattoir, so he'll leave out his days
in the paddock. - Unfortunately,
some bad news if you like an extra big T-bone steak. - Why are you trying
to eat the giant cow? [laughter] The world only has
one giant cow, and your only thought
is "Supersize me!" Just eat two normal cows.
It tastes the same. Why are people trying
to kill the cow? You know what, luckily, even if they want to,
they can't kill him. He cannot fit
inside the abattoir. Which, by the way, is such a
white people problem to have. Because in Africa,
they'd be, like, "No, we can kill that cow.
We can find a way." Don't worry about the machine.
We can kill that cow." But luckily, in Australia,
they can't kill him, yeah. So Knickers the cow
can do whatever he wants. Like, what are you
going to do about it? He's unkillable, yeah.
Like, I'm hoping that one day the farmer's going
to come home, he's going to find the cow
sitting on his couch watching his TV with his arm
around his wife. And the farmer's
going to be, like, [Australian accent]
"Bloody hell, cow! What are you doing
in my house?" And cow's going to be, like,
"Look at me, look at me! I am the farmer now." [bright music] ♪ ♪ It's back to school
all over the world, and in China,
one principal made sure that this year
was extra memorable. - When you drop your kid off
at kindergarten this morning, you probably aren't
expecting to be met with a pole-dancing display, but that's exactly
what happened in China, and now, a principal is, well,
out of a job. Hundreds of parents
and children watched as a pole dancer
performed on a flag pole with the Chinese flag on top. - Wow, wow. The principal
brought a pole dancer to a kindergarten.
That is hilarious. It's also funny how they said
hundreds of children and parents watched
that pole dancer, right? Because you realize
the parents could have stopped it immediately,
but clearly, they were, like-- "This is outrageous!
Let's see where it goes. Let's see where it goes." ♪ ♪ - If you think you're addicted
to Postmates, it's nothing compared to
what's happening in Nigeria. - The government in Nigeria
is trying to cut down on imported food,
saying that the imports are hurting the local economy, and apparently,
British pizza is on the list. While complaining
about trade imports, a politician in Nigeria claimed
that his fellow citizens are importing pizza
from the UK. - Okay, okay, okay,
first of all, first of all. British pizza? [laughter] You're telling me Nigerians
are flying past Italy to get British pizza? While you're at it,
why not fly past Amsterdam to get weed in Romania?
Like, what are you doing? This is so extra.
So the story is rich Nigerians send people to Britain
to buy them pizza. Yeah, which is such a waste
of money and time. And also, I can't imagine what the plots in Nigerian porn
movies are like, you know? It's, like, "Oh, no, it seems
like I don't have any money for this pizza.
How will I pay?" He's, like,
"You don't have money? "I just took a $4,000 flight
to pick up this, lady. "I'm going to need you
to put on some clothes "and get some cash, huh? "Boobs don't pay
for pepperoni, okay? Get some money,
get some money." [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ This is a weird story.
Uh, the lightsaber. It's the second-most stroked
wand by "Star Wars" fans. And you may mock them,
but soon, you can mock them
at the Olympics. - It's now easier
for "Star Wars" fans to act out their fantasies
if they're in France. The French Fencing Federation
originally and officially recognizing lightsaber dueling
as a competitive sport. - That means LED-lit, polycarbonate
"Star Wars" replicas have the same status as blades
used by Olympic fencers. - Oh, hell yeah. This is so dope.
Are you kidding me? This is fun. Lightsaber battles
at the Olympics. They're fighting competitively,
and to make it more exciting for these professional
lightsaber fighters, the winner of the tournament gets to see a boob
for the first time. Yeah! [imitates lightsaber whooshing] And now, I know there's
a lot of haters out there that are, like,
"Oh, this isn't a real sport. It's just some
made up nonsense." Yeah, and you know what? All sports are
made up nonsense, all right? I don't know if
you've seen the Olympics, but it's all made-up nonsense. A guy pushes a ball
off of his shoulder and they give him a gold medal.
What is that, huh? That's not a sport.
Then another guy is, like, "What if we put a ball
on the end of a chain? Just swing that around." Yeah, you can have
a gold medal, too. It's just as ridiculous
as lightsabers. I mean, there's
that ribbon sport. What is that?
Where someone just was probably playing with their cat. They were just, like,
doing that thing, and they're, like,
"Gold medal." It's all ridiculous! [bright music] ♪ ♪ You know sometimes,
we spend so much covering America's history
of racial injustice, we forget where it all began. Europe: The OG of racism. Yeah, if America is Jacquees,
Europe is the real king of R&B. [laughter] White people, ask your black
friend what that joke means. They'll explain it to you. And right now in Europe,
when they're not flipping cars over
and setting them on fire, they're having a major debate
about what to do with all the art
that they borrowed permanently by force
from Africa. And according to
the president of France, it should all be returned. - President Emmanuel Macron
argues it's unacceptable that around 90%
of Africa's artistic heritage is outside Africa,
and says French law should be changed
to make restitution possible. - Speaking in Burkina Faso,
he said it was wrong for only Europeans
and Americans to have access to African art. In five years, he wanted
to start the process of temporary or
definitive restitution. - [speaking French] [cheers and applause] - Yeah, that's pretty amazing. Yeah, I think
that's pretty amazing. And it's very nice
of the French president. Although--although,
it is going to be weird when Africa gets all
the sculptures back, and Africans are, like,
"Wait a second. "Why do these sculptures smell "like cigarettes
and threesomes, huh? What's going on here?" Although, honestly, I do think
if after profiting off of all of this art
of all these years, they're just going
to give it back. I don't think that's enough.
I think France should give the art back
with interest, yeah. They should. [cheers and applause] I think Africa should choose
some European art. They should be like,
"Okay, thank you for "giving us that art back. "We will also take
that creepy white lady and the guy with
the tiny penis, eh?" [laughter] But it's kudos.
Kudos to Macron. He's doing something.
And unfortunately, not everyone in Europe
is as remorseful as Macron. In fact, some Europeans
in the art world believe that they did Africa
a favor by stealing our shit. - It was meant to disappear?
It was meant to disappear? That is some next-level shade. This asshole is saying
that when Africans made stuff like this, they didn't know
that they were making art. So if this wasn't art, what did Africans
think they were making? The world's most
uncomfortable butt plug? What were they making? And then, you have
the Europeans who say they wish they could return the
art for Africa, they really do. But they just don't
think Africa is ready for that kind
of responsibility. - Western museums
have often resisted repatriating art,
arguing that they can take better care of it. - It's one of these that
looks like, morally, on its face, give it back to
who it belongs. Well, who does it belong to?
And it hasn't been in that country for
over a hundred years, and you know, look. France build the whole
Museé le Baule to respect these objects. To preserve them.
To show them. - Yeah, yeah, what,
how is Africa going to-- you know, this is
some sneaky-ass logic if you think about it. Because their argument
is basically "You Africans cannot
protect your art. We know that because we stole
it from you, huh? We took it all. ♪ ♪ - "USA Today" reports the NBA and the International
Basketball Federation plan to launch a 12-team
league in Africa. Former president Barack Obama
is expected to play a key role
in that league. Scheduled for launch
in January 2020, the basketball Africa league will be the NBA's
first collaboration to run a pro sports league
outside of North America. - That's right,
the NBA is launching a 12-team basketball league
in Africa, which is bound to be awkward when they're trying
to recruit players. And they'll get there, like,
"Hey, Africa. "So, America is searching "for the biggest, strongest
people you have. "There's going to be a draft. "The owners are going
to pick who they like best. So what do you guys say?" Africans would be, like,
"Ah, white man, "we are not falling
for that again, ah? "Not this time,
not this time, eh? "Enslave me once, shame on you. Enslave me twice,
shame on me, eh?" [laughter] [bright music] ♪ ♪ Some news from South Africa about a guy who did the
Circle Of Life Challenge. - And a disturbing story
out of South Africa. Park authorities from
Kruger National Park say a skull and
this pair of pants was all that was left behind
of a suspected poacher who was killed by an elephant,
and then eaten by lions. - Wow, killed by an elephant,
and then eaten by lions. This story has
all the jungle A-listers. It's a South African
Tarantino film. That's what this is. And I know--I know a lot
of people are celebrating this story because it feels
like karma or whatever. But I'll be honest,
I feel sad for the elephants. All right, because lions
kill every day, but an elephant never forgets.
Yeah. It's going to wake up in the
middle of the night, like-- "I can still
see his face, Margaret!" [cries] [imitates elephant trumpeting] [laughter] Oh, and here's a weird detail. My favorite detail
in the story is after the elephant
killed the poacher, and the lions ate him,
all they found was a skull and pants. Which means somewhere out there
is a lion with a new shirt.
