The Crusades Were WILD!

[Music] [Music] [Music] what's up everybody what's up patriarchy we got Chris Edie we got yah teepee I'm Mike mush vanity of the goddess fight face and Scrabble fingers yeah mochi all right Michael get some oxygen yeah yeah yeah no you're Mike Bush ah you know what dude here your [ __ ] emoji face no emoji face let me [ __ ] tell you something first of all talk to me let me talk to you cuz we've been we've been we've been gone I've been gone for two weeks I was in Disney and right before that I got to see the what our crew is like a what our crew is like outside the studio and let me tell you something first of all vanity is a dictator yeah then Atia sold [ __ ] t-shirts like I mean she was selling it like people she made you [ __ ] buy that t-shirt first of all congratulations think you know the hyena fence for selling out my show thank you so much Gotham comedy club thank you um for uh for selling out for me but that give the Mozilla's for being classy to the Mozilla's you guys are the best owners in show business Gotham comedy club the best club in New York City offer headlining it was perfect beautiful classy [ __ ] joint I loved it all good I loved it so much I loved it all good yeah the hyenas came out Vanity's so holy yes he was there yep old yeah she was there too [ __ ] Oregano's and ritzy pizza was it yeah yeah whoever and by the way I'm being serious right now cuz I have to deal with it whoever got Paulie gassy cell phone number from his Instagram and keeps texting him Tickle Me Elmo you got to stop somebody keeps somebody cuz he has his Instagram he has a SOPA number on his Instagram and he's pissed off and he somebody keeps texting him Tickle Me Elmo and then sending them a picture an emoji of Elmo with flames behind him yeah look Paul II guess it can hurt you Paulie gets can hurt you stop doing and all the toots that are deeming me asking for paulie's [ __ ] Instagram it's a Polly you stop instant stop messaging me yeah also the tunes that a message Chris stop stop message Jimmy's turning over a new leaf yeah turn over a new leaf I'm [ __ ] celibate it's what's going across state's wallet yeah yeah congratulations about that and yeah I took the baby down to Disney which let me just say for a kid that is born in Ridgewood Queens mm-hmm vacationing in Florida with his mother yeah that's fancy that's fancy I mean let me tell you something when you in Florida we were in Florida and we sat JetBlue and then they upgraded us to extra legroom and my mother almost a tear almost came down I said no no no we're going extra leg room on the baby's first trip to Disney yeah no yeah and then cuz my daughter because we went to Atlanta and she sat first class my daughter was like these seats are too small I was like Delilah you're three inches long so every day every C's [ __ ] first class teal yeah so yo I was like I was like stop but I think we had a good time yet a good time you couldn't really enjoy it because you have you have prostatitis i prostatitis i have an inflammation of the tape you have an inflammation of your prostate my prostate that comes from eating spicy foods yeah you gotta from eating spicy foods and regular told by the doctor you just got an inflamed you got a plate eight so I've been having a pee all day every day but I'm getting better and the doctor actually told me you know at the doctor's virus was to drink a lot of water drink a lot of water or looter if you go down to Pennsylvania can I get a wood or can I get a water over Witter they have a date kid and then he also told me to shoot some ropes he said to fire up the pornhub it start shooting ropes he said he said you got to get the glue out till he said anything that moves through the urethra it's good to go it's just exercise clean it out yeah he said clean it out how cuz you younger than me don't sell a bit though yourself understand that younger than me but your prostates older than me my prostate got let's be honest by prostates taking a beating we know why we know why yeah we certainly know why but it's changed I've turned over a new leaf you turned over a new leaf you turned over a new leaf Chrissy I'm turned over a new leaf and I'm also turned over the right hand I got a snap it [ __ ] right hand you do got a snap in right hand it comes slow but it comes strong I'm strong at Paulie it's not a kid with quick hands I'm sorry I don't want to be to be our bad news yeah videos you do look like you pack a punch cuz you're a big butted kid you carry a lot of weight that lunch lady ass yeah but your hands are a little slow well Paulie oregano pills has been teaching me new techniques okay if so stop textin tickle-me-elmo cuz I'm the one who's gonna get my head knocked because make no mistake Poisson loose can these little franksen be needed here here's how the Russian doll equation works with Polly gassy and Krissi okay you text Puli gassy to tickle his Elmo okay and Polly gassy could [ __ ] take your head off but Chrissy will put your head into mashed potatoes so what do you want do you want mashed potatoes or you wanna pull a gassy tamal you it's one or the other also I want to shout out the person who I was having a lovely day two two two kind people walked up to me one I was sitting at a cafe in Disney World my daughter was just about to get a autograph from Daisy Duck and somebody walking out saw me mom's really just a Mexican guy who doesn't speak English an undocumented worker and a couple of guys were walking in at Disney World and somebody yelled Chrissy pre comes so thank you for that Wow yeah and then also the fans got kids yeah and then the other and then the other person the other young woman who thank you for coming up to me again in front of my mother and my daughter while we were waitin waitin on line to see a frozen to tell me in front of my mother that I made the dilfs of Disney page so I appreciate that having to explain to my mother what a DILF is because she was like I don't understand honey what is that I said mom it's just a thing that the kids say she's like but what is dilfs of Disney in me I'm gonna hide I would love to flirt well I said it means dads and loving faith it's a religion thing because I'm Christian white lies and I can just lie on the fly you are thought of it immediately I said it's dads in loving faith it's kind of like a religion thing she goes are you serious I go yeah yeah you're a liar I'm cwl Chrissy white line you lie a lot about things that don't matter I've caught you in about seven of them well then you whoring otherwise yeah and it's funny because you get defensive and you start snapping back and it's just funny to watch yeah because you got caught in a little web of lies you'll old manipulator well my maiden my mother's maiden name is web and that's I'm Chrissy web I thought it was Kern Turner Tina Turner is her my grandmother's maiden name so the marriage name married into web yeah yeah and your grandfather has another family it's what it is your uncle's in jail on that sideline that's just what yes that side and then his other son it's works and [ __ ] you know it's Jets fan from Syosset I don't [ __ ] know he messaged me on Facebook try asking me to about my skits yeah and we want to also thank the cop today the gas station that says he listens to hyenas we got we got we got guys who protect the great laws in this country listen to this [ __ ] walked up to us it's a thank you for your service but make no mistake we're hiring a digital marketing firm because we got it market outside of New York look at just what it is yeah I just want to just say something quickly about Disney um I had a great time um I was there at my mom and my daughter and it was beautiful to see my daughter be happy and have a smile on her face but the hypocrisy if you don't think there's a little sinister energy in Disney you got another thing coming because make no mistake Mickey Mouse is a piece of [ __ ] okay let me tell you why yeah so first of all you got kids running around everywhere right you can't find a [ __ ] straw in any of the Disney property hotels anywhere in that Park you cannot find destroy and if you do find one it's paper you got children everywhere that needs straws my daughter was spilling her juice all over because they want to protect the [ __ ] turtles okay so you you're serving me spy a high salt high fat content food you can't find anything healthier it's chicken fingers fries fat [ __ ] on on scooters everywhere you go to get my daughter's hair done at the bippity Boppity boutique inside the Magic Kingdom and make it look like Cinderella cost me $600 why these get into the park to get into the park it's 109 dollars to stay at the hotel it's about $600 at night so you'll rape the [ __ ] human beings and kill us but thank God the turtles are [ __ ] safe in Australia so the [ __ ] that Disney puts out and people like no you know no disrespect Elena I love you but consumers like that and these other people on their motorized scooters just fall in line and our condition for this [ __ ] it's [ __ ] what I went on I'm happy to see my daughter having fun I guarantee you if I would have just taken to a German Christmas market in Berlin which is what I once did in the first place she would have been just as happy and learned some more things there then at Disney just coming back to New York being [ __ ] cracked out on sugar cracked out on lines cracked out on too much a [ __ ] goofy guru I should have just taken him back to Deutschland and show her where she came from yeah that's what you should have done my family never did that the yeah stuff like that they did the other stuff so I won't say what's grease and you would hide yeah well that's hard that's the man the problem is is like you're actually giving your daughter a childhood which is like that I my parents just took me to movies like jagged edge and then I couldn't sleep for four years yeah so there's that alternative well you're still protecting her from the harshness of the world and she's signing you know she's signing [ __ ] autographs with a happy duck she has no idea there's an undocumented worker in there my parents would tell me there's an undocumented worker in there so I didn't have a child you have a child so I think you're doing the right thing yeah by X the straw thing is in issue but next Christmas make no mistake next Christmas where I'm going I'm taking my daughter to a German Christmas markets could be me and her we're gonna have some daddy-daughter bonding time and we're going to Germany and we're gonna [ __ ] peruse around a little German Christmas market and if you and mrs. poppets have a little one by then then you guys can come too I'm paying for everybody yeah and we'll bring van at tier 2 because she does she's gonna be my wife yeah she's gonna be a whip and she does some sort of business in Greece yes we're just gonna bring our camp finally Zak figured out the other buttons we recorded so many of them for a while he was just going Ward and dope he was crushing it on last episode of coupons I mean Zak's on fire Zach's been crushing it every any time zach is on the hot seat about to get fired he just comes in and makes a skank and then we start to take it off firing other people yeah yeah I'm gonna fire you before I fire Zach yeah I'm gonna fire you yeah cuz let's do it up so we try to fire each other yeah Zach could we also get the you know what it is in different languages I like that - I do like s lo que as the best but I so miss the German and the Greek and the Swahili or whatever yes well it was nice yeah but but Gotham comedy club was fantastic Disney World fantastic I I was out of New York City though for too long and you know like as I am yawn it's like I can't even those wit July my daughter and I know you Chrissy you know I was with the two people that I love the most that I wanted my daughter's I just want to be near her anyway that's why I always miss I found myself that like it's like I think that in this order the three people that I loved the most if I'm not in this I'm crying no aren't Delilah number one yeah New York City number two my mom number three well I like that dog yeah like that though but I gotta be number four through seven yeah you're four through seven and cuz if you think where am i four through seven if you're you're a four five six and seven yeah yeah if you think that you're gonna be able to close on that house and move out of Bay Ridge you got another thing coming okay I'm gonna light that [ __ ] house on fire that's up in Westchester I'm like they're saying Westchester by the way because in the past you've been a little specific about where I think that I'm gonna let you leave Bay Ridge you got another thing coming okay I'm just gonna make it so that you can't leave well I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna let the air out of your tires I'm just gonna do something I want to help you move and then I'm staying well what's going on is I'm keeping my apartment in Bay Ridge just to be close to Chrissy cuz you know it's gonna be funny I can't afford both you're gonna hire movers you're gonna hire movers and you're gonna be unpacking boxes and then I'm gonna pop out of one cuz I think I'm just gonna take emoji faces just I'm gonna move him into my apart yeah what's good unfortunate for a motor faces what's gonna happen is cuz I'm gonna get angry yeah that you're not around me and you just get a tickle I'm gonna start punching a Mojang stomach yeah yeah even though I love them I'm just gonna abuse I'm like I'm just gonna abuse it my friend cuz I'm mad that you're gone oh yeah you're gonna what you're gonna do is displace anger a little bit yeah I'm gonna do you know why start going all over the place I'm just gonna move everybody up to [ __ ] situation everybody's [ __ ] now I'm just gonna buy [ __ ] out listen I'm doing alright I'm gonna [ __ ] blow it all I'm gonna buy [ __ ] you Chows gonna have six bedrooms everyone can come [ __ ] bath tub guy that squeaks enjoy everybody's coming the kids everybody's coming [ __ ] babies mamas but she's coming too I'll get her out of the house I'll have a font I'll get her out yeah trailer font oh by the way fountas was really big and greased before it got big everywhere else yeah so aren't it's basically orange soda yeah everybody's coming yeah everyone's like Fanta was started by Coke to sell soda to Germany during World War two there you go that's a little what we call HH fod brought to you by emoji face who he's supposed to write a new one every episode and he hasn't written one yet I have we just haven't gotten to let's see let's start this episode with your which emoji face hhf oh jeez Oh for the cruise just whatever one oh wow Mike Scott one for the priest showing you he's saying listen you honesty [ __ ] he's like listen guy I'm waiting for you guys to [ __ ] set me up you haven't cuz all you do is talk about how you're gonna be in each other's moving box well Guido the big Yamano was a royal apothecary basically you know at apothecary is isn't a path to carry like a um like a like a pharmacy kind of thing exactly the pharmacy apothecary is a pharmacy yeah they'd really have doctors later said guys who guessed it [ __ ] and yeah there was just one poisonous plant they would use aconite also called monkshood but they would use on on as a weapon the muzzle would use on the christians and he noticed that slugs were able to eat that plant and then so he decided he you found out that he could just boil those slugs make a soup out of them and then give that as an antidote so he did all this research made himself sick killed a bunch of animals and then phillips crusade didn't even take off after that Wow Wow so and he was Muslim I don't know no Christian found that the Muslims initially kind of was so that's like bioterror war yeah archaic form of it archaic for that so he so that he kind of was smart enough to know that the slugs can eat that and created like a Wow interesting that's a I think Mike he just came out of the gates on the first ya mochi face factory today swinging yeah cuz Mike said listen Mike's like listen I know that trumps gonna get in again and I got a real chance again thrown back over the wall so I need your guys support yeah he said Flutie say you said so let me dig down to work hard or else I'm gonna just be in Juarez before you know it yeah it's what it is now we got a rate that what emoji are you given that I'm giving that a I'm giving that a big um well we let this for problem is the emoji faces are in my apartment so I'm gonna get them yeah we need those yeah I'm gonna get them I've just been a little replace um I got prostatitis yeah you got press settings Oh put them on the screen yeah I'm going I'm going with I'm going with I'm going with a nice big smile for that one because I'm happy that the first one went well and I really enjoyed that fact I'm gonna also go with a smile to [ __ ] Smiley's I think a smile because span attea what are you doing a smile you are you doing a thinking emoji are you doing we don't have the emojis I can't remember them all we should love it yeah robot vanity is coming in how about better tears I love robot yet can I do robot vanity huh dis y'all you have a problem with that not dope okay I'm in a relationship with Rome affinity a' and we're celibate yeah so I agree with that yeah it's funny cuz the fans can't tell whether that's robot no no a real meditation mrs. poppets had no idea right she thought that she got the manatee was in the room yeah but was robbed by friends yeah I say grimmons like it's a smile but like three up boats yeah so I think that could matter or is it only first well it's yeah it's it's kind of like it's from an infidel yes yes oh yeah that's a new segment we will have the smiley faces eventually and we Mike will be giving us a fact an h h fo d based on whatever the episode is on that day so that was a little crusader fact because we are gonna be talking about the [ __ ] Crusades and the Crusades were let me tell you Bubba's oh why let's just call it what it is like I said Christians versus Muslims is the greatest oldest sports rivalry in history and this was the championship it was a nine game series and the Muslims won eight to one they won eight to one but but but I think when you cross over and get the other side I think that the Christians are gonna be welcomed as the victors you think so I think that Muslims have an unfair advantage because Allah is the only true God well you could have an unfair Val well the thing that's like having Shaquille O'Neal well the reason why I mean the thing is with with with even though I'm a celibate kid in Muslim heaven you could just bang out you could bang chicks out virgins you could bang out verges yeah that's when we go to the Muslim heaven and Christian ever I don't know if you unless I'm going to the gay part I haven't I'm not gonna bang anybody out that's what it was made in the gay part of heaven I think you I think that I think that all the blessings that you have rained down from the gay part of heaven yeah that's what I think it is and it's not I feel like the reason why we've gotten so many patron but we have a lot of patreon members to read so many people have went to patreon calm is because I think now because we have a true representative or the matriarchy and mr. Chris Pappas up in the gay part of heavy right now helping rain down more members I think that you're gonna see a nice turn because I think they were just waiting to welcome a gay to the team up to heaven and we got our gay we do yeah we do got our gay so it's what it is yeah we did we did I think ultimately we have to admit that the Muzzy definitely yeah the Christians went up Game one yeah so the first crusade there was nine different Crusades yeah and the first seven were really like kind of relevant the last three they didn't even make it they just got killed along one of them one crusade I forgot what it was a child who say well no that one but but but but that one of them was just Christian the Christians went out to crusade and then he just started crusading against each other I mean it just turned into a [ __ ] civil war crusade yeah their Franks and beats wherever that group was was a little French beer a little Frank's bees they also [ __ ] they also sacked Constantinople they just were Frankston be a nice change the name to Istanbul which is a little bit I don't know they started attacking cost to Constantinople and they were the Crusaders they were a little Franks and beans now the thing is what the Crusades Oh even though was very brutal it brought a lot of it brought first of all hygiene it the crew when the Christian before the Christians went out and crusaded to the Middle East and strana they never had seen any other people that didn't look like them they just they were living in France and Germany and England and not leaving their little islands or their little huts so they looked barbaric like they true look barbaric with the Middle East what everybody was clean they had soaps they took baths they ate the right foods they had science so really a lot of things the Crusades are real a bit it was kind of the first kind of movement ever where Europe got like woke Europe wasn't woke at all before they met the Muslims yeah well wait no they were and they were with Rome and then they they dip down when religion dipped up we've talked about that a lot yeah well it's like whatever reasons on the rise faith is on the decline and it seems like people do better whenever faiths on the rise and reasons on the decline it doesn't do as good and this is an Arab well you know this is the Dark Ages this young medieval times in Europe and the Arab world is flourishing they also had conquered all the way up to Spain a little bit yep so they ran Spain yeah they got up in there and I got up there I know who is this who is this Crusaders yeah and Europe got split Europe was split because of the Schism of 1054 holy Roman Empire was split into the east and west and also the cat the Christian Church split between the Catholic and the eastern Russian and Greek Orthodox would it ended up becoming so is Eastern Orthodox and the Catholic split so say Europe was Europe was [ __ ] stupid they were stupid and everybody in the Crusades what it was all about was Jerusalem who was sent on another Jerusalem was basically like Jerusalem was it was kind of like New York City no I mean what's the most important city in the world New York City right so Jerusalem was a very important city to these groups right now Suzie it was it was important to the Jewish it was important to the mozzies and was a point to the Chrissy's it feels like everybody's always trying to get there popper pause on Jerusalem yeah because no matter what if you believe or not the kid Jesus was a star the kid Jesus so tickets no matter what way you [ __ ] slice it that kid Jesus so tickets but I mean a kid selling tickets to all these dances the only problem is he only sold tickets after your hair that's hilarious right now you look like a Dominican grandmother I just got a little lightheaded am i okay I'm having these ships and blood pressure is you're gonna go down yeah as long as your prostates not swollen doesn't matter these little dips I get in blood pressure well because we're screaming we're tired we already did we did four podcast today yeah Bennett yeah vanity is scary so it's just like you know and we haven't you know I mean vanity we got snacks we you you ate half of cheese it in a [ __ ] orange yeah you know I mean look cute we did have meatball subs we had meatball subs I had eggplant cuz I don't eat I don't eat meat anymore I'm going back to being vegan now yeah no you got to uh yeah you gotta you gotta really take whatever medicine the doctors giving you to make sure that prostate returns to a normal size yeah we gotta get to take down yeah so this can you do what can you do so you know the Muslims were on the rise and they they swept into Europe all the way up to Spain you know and then so what happened was pope urban ii right was a kid who was like you know what i need to get we need to capture the holy land and it was really really uh you could say he wanted to it was a move to kind of secure that border disorder from their perspective kind of push push Muslims back well because of this n lump cuz the Seljuk Turks cuz I know if you said you'd say the Seljuk dirty Turks cuz you don't have a good relationship with them but I would say the Seljuk Turks so I'm just gonna do this because Germany here we have no problem with Turks yeah the Greeks they really weren't they weren't very kind to you we've been having a disagreement for the Turks gave the Greeks a lot of boo-boos there were there were bad boys bad bad bad coffee yeah they took your coffee that's it yeah okay so the Seljuk Turks they had taken over the Byzantine Empire which was that Eastern Empire he was saying capital Constantinople blah blah blah blah blah yeah Emperor Constantine and the Byzantine Emperor at the time Alexis the first ask Pope Urban the second for Knights to help him fight the Turks now the truth is it's like it wasn't who cares like pope urban ii like it's not my [ __ ] fight guy but he wanted to kind of get more land and unify the christian kingdoms he was like i'll do this let's make the turks the enemy but the truth is the christians were probably being more [ __ ] than the turks were well they were definitely more backwards at the time right you know it's hard to say but i mean like they definitely fell into the dark ages and everyone was really religious and that was started the consequence of christianity that Constantine initiated you know it went from an age of reason to rights just sort of just an age of faith don't question anything and the soldiers the thing is the third there were Knights there were like 30,000 Christian Knights but not all see which were French kids they were French kids but a lot of them were peasants that had no idea how to fight you know they were still just kids like you know if they if this was if this was the first door in the First Crusade we we just have to put our podcast mics down and go fight yeah and here's the thing if your dough needs to do with a swollen prostate if you're doing good and there's people around you that aren't doing good tribes not doing good or another civilization not doing good it's inevitable you're gonna get evaded it's just what it is right the poor kids are just gonna attack you yeah I was like when I was a kid you know New York had poor neighborhoods and good neighborhoods if you were a good neighbor you knew that you just might get invaded and plucked off and robbed it's just what happened in New York City now pope urban ii gave a very famous speech where he Deus foot which means God wills it and what he was saying to the people to the cut cuz let's be let's be honest yeah most of the army were Franks and beans they were poor like you said poor kids a lot of the Apostles Jesus apostles just poor kids they need a message you know that's why like even the poor people in our community you know they'll think that Hillary Clinton is saying the right things it's like they just don't know what they're talking about wait john sheehan I'm just kidding around hwaseong she I mean they're just so it's just like poor people in general people that they need guidance because they don't like what they see in the mirror even though mirrors weren't invented yet they don't like what they see in certainly has mirrors and the reflections are there puddles they didn't like don't come to our podcast for history accurate they didn't I don't think they had mirrors I think they had mirrors I don't think they knew yet cuz a lot of these kids I don't think they were able to see what they look like so so what he said what he said was God will to what he was saying the message that he said and these people bought it because they weren't educated nobody could read there weren't even books at that time in Europe he said God wills it and it means if you go fight for this crusade and you go kill these Muslims not only will give you money but you can bring back to your family which he knew nobody was making it back alive to he said so we'll give you money and then he said to in the afterlife you're gonna get into heaven guarantee no matter what sin you've committed so people because of that power of religion they went there like you know what we'll kill these Muslims even though they really had no beef with them at all they said if we're gonna get into heaven our family's gonna get money we'll do it yeah they were kidding baby yeah they were basically doing I think what is a lot of like radical Islamists do now yeah say hey get versions in the afterlife do you fight for jihad you know because what happened was it was funny like the eat the West kind of rose first with Greece and Rome and the Arabs were kind of you know a little behind and then Europe fell into a dark Asians and the and the Dark Ages in the Arab world kind of rose up and then the Arab world kind of got a little too religious and fell to dark ages and then the West kind of came back so it might not have been a seesaw back and forth one do they mirrors were invent when were mirrors invented vanity yeah the earliest is in 1540 BC so it's right around the time of the Crusades in 1095 ad just about a thousand years 1300 years off you ever take 2500 yeah what can you do so the first cruise the first crusade was actually successful by the standards of the West because they did capture control of Jerusalem and they had it for a while after that and so they got the they they were able to capture control and the Knights were not good they weren't being [ __ ] cute at all they killed Muslims they burned a whole bunch of Jews alive in a synagogue I mean that's not cute that's brutal no no no these were kids these were the about as these kids were from ridgewood no these kids were as bad as you can get I mean these kids think about how what kind of person you have to be to survive even a walk 3,000 miles right yeah and back in the day there was no roads it's like they had eaten by animals on the road they were probably killing along the way raping and pillaging and killing along the way just to survive so they had to survive all that whether you have good shoes nobody are New Balances back then then they martyr Leon orthotics no because they marched from the West from like around France over there all the way down to the Middle East they walked it and they walked into an area where they were outnumbered like a hundred to one I mean just world so there's just like a fleet of crazy [ __ ] savages and they won so imagine how savage they had to be mounting their fitbit's yeah I mean they just scared everyone because somehow they brought everyone to their knees on that first crusade but they were wild like the way that they fought it though they were just as krysta saying that they were just like went for it they weren't wait is this robot-man idea of real vanity catapulted fire Greek fire catapulting fire but also how they would charge at you know their enemies that they would be yelling and just just saying nonsense just to scare them and is that in like early human battle just just the Muslims yelling was enough was a defense they were like hyenas in a way yes they cause the Christians did that sorry and the Muslims like what are you doing yeah yeah I mean yeah they were savages men imagine guys they were dressed in those chain [ __ ] hoods they were Knights basically I think started to go wild didn't they walk around this perimeter of Jerusalem barefoot for like a day and the Muslims like what are you doing I just lit him up a Greek fire yeah someone thought that they had a message from God that they should go around barefoot around her some and then they should attack kind of like scout the scene and then go and they won the battle like go figure but they were catapulting fire what else are they doing they were like throw animal blood at them and then the Christians what I like because innovation is dope I mean well you always say invent what is it I don't say the famous fire the Greek mr. Panos says it the Greek fire absolutely baby that they were throwing at the the Muslim Muslim the Muslims had the Greek fire the Greek fire the Greece is in the Christian part of Europe what's the problem with this stupid [ __ ] German monkey here the Muslims had the Turkish coffee they see the people then they stupid people that they're not even human they were associated Turkish people did not even human they're monkeys so what happened was the the Europeans came to fight for Jesus Christ and their God and they say you stupid people and we'd crush them because we have a great genius on her side baby her to peace that's right is the character piece melaka by the greeks is superior people and this is how come the crew says the crew says Papa and the Europeans beat this [ __ ] monkeys insane it's mr. Turkish coffee yeah he's a great guy from the old world he's got he has a he's a little bit upset with the Turks it's just what it is you stole their coffee that's all it is you know what else got invented you have two dead two Greek you know what else kind of invented here which is a cute little weapon the crossbow oh my Scully Wally he yeah so so the crossbow was invented yet I mean they were they were good they might have been shitty and dirty and and have bad hygiene but these kids were were like stone-cold killers yeah the first Crusades especially so the first crusade was won by the Christians yeah and then second crusades things get a little done the only one game one yeah the mozzies came out or like praise be to allah see you later yeah they kind of pushed everything back yeah and uh but you know what on that first crusade we got keep saying we I have to stop saying that yeah cuz I'm a Muslim yeah that Christians got control of Jerusalem and they also set up Crusader kingdoms yeah so those bitter kings yeah so they had a few like weird name I can't remember the names Crocker or some stuff [ __ ] name well it go ahead no I just found it interesting that you know that they're all fighting because you know what's the purpose of them fighting it's because that they both believe that this is holy land that you know I don't know what's going on it's still a problem everyone wants their hands to get their proper paws in Jerusalem like it's some sort of hot chick I've been to Jerusalem it's a [ __ ] [ __ ] I don't know what you guys are doing but Chicago's better you want to [ __ ] Molly yeah yeah what what did you go to Jerusalem I've been hos about that guy my cousin-in-law is is from that part of the world when did you go there I will guy I must have been let me see guy ninth grade ninth grade that was probably my fourth trip to Disney yeah I mean no I was there much like vanity I was there I just saw important business on the porn business yeah I was doing import-export business or something like that yes I'm on a work trip yeah I'm on a work trip is great yeah that's great yeah no robot vanity is that the fifth Mike yeah yeah I went I went yes I've been at Jerusalem I've been Tel Aviv up in Haifa but you what's the cutest place though Tel Aviv in television [ __ ] major city so the Roos Limpopo bought elevators Jerusalem's like a [ __ ] it's like you know old [ __ ] city man with like you know stones and [ __ ] I mean it's it's like it's almost like you're going into a museum it's nice for that but as far as like a city you're going like you guys are fighting over yes like you want to Gettysburg yeah I mean so what are you guys doing over here well everybody's celebrating like a lot of people go to pray at the wall which is calm everybody let's just calm what they are fanatics did you go to Jerusalem I went to the Dome of the rock that was gorgeous but they wouldn't allow it he went there on a business trip marketing and yeah we went to go to visit was gorgeous and they would have you in you said they wouldn't let my friend in because he was speaking Hebrew and because of like all the conflict that's happening they were like oh I don't think you should go up to the Dome of the rock to go visit because of what was happening then and so he said no but you're in Jerusalem I thought you could speak Hebrew yeah no I'm here well apparently there's like some conflict now with the Dome of the rock because it's also like Muslims go and pray there that's all though but also Jewish people think of it as their holy places rosalyn from the border of Palestine it's all very close it's all actually parts of Jerusalem that are you can how does it work is really for a few hours is Adam you ask him cuz he's Jewish yeah I figured yeah for the kids Frank Sabine's no he's not he's actually [ __ ] he's got a lot of followers also get him on the mic he's not too jacked he's also [ __ ] jacked he's fired for the Jew or me yeah the drugs are not getting fine yeah you're just good at the truck we're about to have a talk but you're back in might get out yeah but anyways they with recirculating back to the Crusades that Muslims were there in Jerusalem because they knew that this is where their prophet have lived and ascended into I mean you know what Muslims call it haven't ya their their afterlife to heaven it had ascended to heaven that's yeah just whatever both of them had shared thoughts on the land so they both wanted it whatever floats your boat toast I mean where are you doing what's your base this is a real reasonable war this one I mean Jesus Christ it used to be people Florida kid fought over resources or land now they're just fighting over what what they feel like is holy land as if God would pick a spot on the globe and say this is more valuable than other spots people are [ __ ] Stu it's like if God was gonna pick a spot that was gonna be the Holy Land it'd be two words Yankee stayed it would be Yankee Stadium yes 100 [ __ ] Manhattan New York City yeah it's like guy nobody care I'm lei Ridge Brooklyn that's where it would be that's how the Verrazano is guy you missed it if you're doing a Finding Nemo treasure hunt for where the holy [ __ ] land is it's between Staten Island Brooklyn's called the Verrazano now if you want to see the bridge between heaven and hell just go to the vows on a bridge because Bay were just having Staten Island town that's what the honest is going down but we're gonna keep going to podcasts keep listening to this episode cuz he may go down and we're gonna get it on for our patreon members only I care you don't that come slash pay raise Bart I need a water I brought Yaya's cookies yeah Mike's a [ __ ] cute kid every time Mike gets up I just got a little boy no do you want Deanie two waters I mean what's going on with you babe you all right you all right hon what do you think it is did you not eat I ate though no but it's not that much one meal a day is not that much well you started eating that one you have two cups of coffee no water a meatball sub hero and a pencil and an orange and a beet salad yeah you're a [ __ ] gay guy is that enough that's not enough food you had a little bit valid okay so that was the second crusade the Third Crusade which was known as the Kings crusade this was kind of a biggie Wiggy because all the kings of Europe combined to go fight one guy in the Muslim faith named Saladin who was the Sultan of Egypt and make no mistake the kid Saladin beat all the kings of Europe you beat them all back which is wild which is one of the rare examples where the white man doesn't win in history wait you some shame thank you woke just kidding no but it's true solid saladin the sultan of egypt no not the white thing I'm saying he really he beat he was able to beat I mean King Richard the Lionheart of England who's a very famous King they did not win the only thing that happened is because of that war and how bloody and gory 'got Sultan Saladin did allow the Holy Land to be back open to the public I believe well that was that was that was towards the end that was the sort of pirate victory well that's the third cruise no we're still in the Third Crusade oh that was great general Saladin was the Muslim was it was a general he was the Sultan of Egypt he was a general and he defeated the Christian armies and the crusade overall was unsuccessful but Saladin opened up the land to the public so it's kind of like a little of anyone anyone could go and you can go like yeah it's open to the public now yeah except for vanity his friend who we know why they weren't allowed to go yeah definitely fuck-boy status Pope Urban had they had a little council bad things happen at these councils yeah councils are never good they just any time any time Muslims want have the Council Christmas might have a council or your doctors want out the council you might just want to sit down yeah something Bad's about this something Bad's about that you've got to get some bad news at 8 o'clock on the Thursday so I mean you were prostatitis yeah it's prostatitis prostatitis know with the reason why were joking is because I got [ __ ] sodomized by the doctor yeah so it was just like it was just a little bit like I didn't wasn't expecting that and then I just got he was like we're gonna have to go into your but and I was like uh-oh Spaghettio it was why have you ever gotten it I've never gotten prostatitis I mean it's [ __ ] wild what they got to do to you but he only got fingers I got a [ __ ] instrument shoved up my [ __ ] ass yeah no it was a it was a probe and it was [ __ ] why I mean it was wild and they took a peek and they were like yeah there's [ __ ] prostate cuz I just felt like I've had to pee for like three weeks every time I pee and they're like it's cuz the [ __ ] Tate is you know talking flamed look what can you do there's nothing you can I'm gonna be honest with you guys right here in the podcast the reason why I prostatitis is I took it in the ass yeah someone asked me recently how much how many how many girls reach out to Chris how many how many girls is Chrissy doing in his entire life why you flex new tits why did you just do that why did you flex your tits individually yeah why did you do that why did you why you do I don't know because you now you're looking at me to say I'm lightheaded I'm disturbed you're gonna go down and it's just what it is because if you go down just know that I do know CPR and I and I may or may not do it but I will get on your lips so somebody asked they said how many woman's Chrissy been and I said he's been with so many that if a guy slipped in there by accident he wouldn't notice right it's sort of like a raisin in oatmeal you just might not see it yeah you just might it just be like oh I may just look down like he's gotten an Adam's apple what can you do it just got it just gets overpowered by all the oatmeal but make no mistake there was a raisin in there there was a couple of raisins yeah by raisin I mean there's a couple of guys it's what it is yeah I see di toss toss toss eat yeah that's robots some foreign language old-school yeah all right I digress so the Fourth Crusade the Fourth Crusade it was the interesting one because it was like a civil war was Christians fighting Christians instead of Christians fight in the moseys so Pope Innocent the third who the kid was not innocent he wanted to take back the Holy Land I mean every Pope just wants to take back the Holy Land it's like guy give it up it's not holy the Crusader so they got sidetracked and greedy cuz the greedy little [ __ ] there let's make cuz make the mistake if you're going on a crusade you're a greedy little [ __ ] you want to get your pauper paws on the Holy Land so what happened was as they were crusading there they just started fighting and killing each other so it kind of like fizzled out but and we'll say or vanity will say well and also all the Crusader states got recaptured by the mozzies right the muds recaptured kingdoms that they said I've got recaptured but here's what happened it ended up because Constantinople got so weak because of all the fighting it ended up them being taken all by the Turks and Constantinople was renamed Istanbul and that's interesting because it's kind of like the Turks are Muslims too so even within the faiths they were like dip like yes it was Christians versus Muslims but it was certain Christians for certain Muslims and there even one Crusader I forgot which one it was I read it in my other book where Christians and Muslims fought against another sect of Muslims so it's kind of gets like blurred lines the first one was clearly we are all Christians we're all Muslims but then it starts to get a little dicey right as the Crusades go on so and then the Children's Crusade in 1212 which now some people are saying it wasn't children it was actually it was the Latin term for boys but whatever I mean it was a bunch of children left tens of thousands of children went across the Mediterranean to the Holy on to crusade and not one of them came back so they were either all killed or sold into slavery that was an interesting story like where the kids were their names like Nicholas and Stephen that they thought there during kids and they thought yeah they thought that they start God saying to them you need to get control of the Holy Land and they're in France I think and so they went all the way and they said that they walk they went by boats and they cut yeah and they thought because of their childish innocence they thought oh you know that they'd be able to convert a cup they'd be able to convert Muslims because they're just nice little kids and it's like you know what you just don't have heads yeah you know what's nice about you kids you make a nice [ __ ] ornament so that's what happened they just got bled out what are you gonna do what are you gonna do now your class they're on sideways you're gonna go down yeah I just I feel light-headed I'm think I'm done oh are you gonna like can I just read the patron I just read the page all right I'm just gonna read the pitcher names we're having a medical emergency what Yanis but I'm just gonna read the patron Ames quick laughs or don't laugh if you pass out I know it's a good one yeah whoever is the ppw this one is that who's makes he on his head hit off the [ __ ] table I think you just having a little anxiety if I'm being honest with you I just I'm [ __ ] tired patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys these people went and joined the matriarchy there's there's a hundred of them so honey hon just take a sip of water and just relax I just chugged three okay first up Hayley then we got Seth straight to the back and split crack primo funny Dante said the salami to your boy in the army spot Fedora that's he's up there Billy powers Ian's janitorial manager caller bluer than my Catholic balls Anderson oh that's it he's up there he's up - yeah you got that one baby janitorial manager Shawn Spencer who's on the former um oh no Spicer who's the former secretary House White House Secretary Shaun spice Shawn Spitzer Shane Spicer I forgot he had a moment now he's gone Mason Daugherty lui non - non fruitloop discolored piece half-greek pipsqueak I mean that's Louise in there that's the winner squeak Mikey I mean that's the winner I mean I know I can call it now Jo soo I get asked if I'm a mozzie in every bodega meléndez car Drexler yeah Georgie Porgie put it in PI crack the girls open and made him say Yas that's another good another goodie yeah Steven Hanson drew the missing link August 24th or I SOG but I'm a Jew okay okay it's good broke Brock Monnet Brian gray Chrissy cracked me open and tiramisu a new one it's pretty funny yeah 420 Michelle Patterson Kyle Hodge or Charles Pablo well Johnny a welcome Mussolini chose right Pellegrino gram Potts Brendan Bo Amanda LaBella Olivia Jorge no papers bean I'll sit on your lap for a green Velazquez is it good it's a good Jones in the finals Eddie the introvert that I'll crack Chrissie and ignore the Hebert okay he went for it rice Marshall Andrew Schultz it's up there it's hi Hina here for the content good one dice Andrew I'm Irish but my last name puts him on the no-fly list Malik attends Tyler panel yeah Samantha Highlands Alex John Brendan the potato monkey waiting for his turn to get cracked in the love sack hilarious third one a very lonely glue gun that's a goodie yeah unique and the father Bill is not my father but makes me call him daddy Chuck the [ __ ] Jake a just a character piece pen that's a goodie projects no mistake Bay Ridge is on Long Island Austin s lo KS Billy underscore Collins Goodwin Lachlan not screwed in yet but I'll suck your bottom lip Johnston another goodie cute Leroy piece goodie thanks for the casinos cause true-blue native Sandburg Ellie Chrissy but slots puddles and nuts in my god haha it's another good Mike open bad Michael woke while smoking dope and stroking my pseudo penis good yeah are you okay yeah I'm okay Jared ye Dom Andrew Becker Chrissy DS [ __ ] stain love sack Kylie Tanner Matty matriarchy the honest of Gowanus aka Chrissy cracks [ __ ] non toot but pick me up on West 43rd loose booty cable guy tucks and [ __ ] these are all really funny Jana she's just about to pass out don't know good but just understand that these are really great I'm sorry the energy is low but Yanis is gonna go down what do we do it two hours we gotta to eat I'm just out again Yanis is out of gas he's yeah just so just i'll go real quick Chrissy claritin-d Daxton Greiner George sell us Zach Buckman Daniel few fumes but still cute with a piece Johan Clyde Drexler Adrian feuless ginger zap funny Ashley Haslett Julian local three but make no mistake I voted for Hillary beds Arroyo and Eileen Franks and beans 10 Andrew white Walker with a Whitney tea and a la post Lopez Pepin the squeak king of the Franks and beans loves Timmy tee the cracked open and cleaned out cutie with his smoothie nice Christopher eight inches of salami but three of them a foreskin heath bar [Laughter] Stevie dip it low like Robert Moe nice Brian P it straight to the back you probably won't like me cuz I'm from Kentucky but make no mistake I got cut off yeah he 20 you can't make it too long guys yes please Justin DiPietro Matteo Yanis dick-slap mic stand Marino Joe I think it's an STD Panzarella Italians if Jess parentheses I got full-blown fumes chatty Rob pound my polish bag Chris edu Nazi beefcake Sawatzky John Hernandez Jacob log Lee Liam my life is a constant lad of 14 and good try straight to the back the [ __ ] with the kielbasa that make no mistake is in your daughter okay nice one but don't talk about my kid Matt I'm an illegal immigrant so my glue gun is a little different in contention okay Kenny vago Sharon O'Shaughnessy Adam G Paul Gorman Donato the sauce monkey trapped in Rockaway Beach da Giacomo German kid that looks like it sauce monkey no fumes dart pubes nice Chris d aka Loki cracks open mozzies Vincenz e tense Christopher black could giannis Jesus how many we got Michael bailing few more Cory the blond-haired blue-eyed Russian truffle pig coos n south Chris Meloni Kevin Sanchez Danny I may be trans but you can still catch these hands McGlinn put him on for me yeah yeah Kenny crotch minh christian coos wrong here for the talent I'm Joey turned me round spanked me down and call me for 20 put him on the list Nick not an FF but I got IBS Mastro giannis I mean this I mean there's you guys are getting so good it's getting all right just real quick who's [ __ ] give us five of them all right so there's Danny I maybe tram but you'll still catch these hands McGlinn okay and then try go over the front sorry okay he's up there Dom take some salami to you boy in the Army Staff adora Ian janitorial manager color bluer than my Catholic balls Anderson Jorge no papers bean I'll sit on your lap for a green Velazquez yeah see that's the scroll I'm sorry and a very lonely glue gun wait there's one one other one it was a big one it was something woulda squeak no no there was an earlier one with the squeak oh sorry lui non - non fruitloop discolored piece half Greek pipsqueak yeah that the one that's ok that's the one lui non - non fruitloop discolored piece half Greek pipsqueak you're the ppw pseudo penis of the week oh yeah our sponsors you know who when they [ __ ] are well Jim first of all big time shout out to James Altucher I'll go see him it's go to see his club stayin at New York and then tanks and outro go to earth tanks good news and at tank Sinatra on Instagram I mean the kid he also came out to the Gotham shows tank you're just a great guy and tanks good news just put you in a good mood so go see them those guys we really appreciate all your support and then 9th Street Auto Collision you know it's [ __ ] cars it's it's on Long Island it's on 9th Street it's on it's it's in Long on ice it's right on 9th Street but so I don't know the man just drive your car and on the honey take it and just ask somebody yes so we got that then we got the other kid [ __ ] nutrition made fun Matt Kopp Matt Koch Mack Hulk who's probably gonna be it was probably gonna kill us if you ever go to Seattle and use our skin and put it in a [ __ ] beet salad then we got dr. Harvey Spencer who I got go to gives us very happy smile very happy smile and go go he's a dentist not a very happy smile a healthy happy smile healthy happy smile go to dr. RV Spencer its it down there in South Carolina now I guess he's got he's a rapper now so I mean people just do whatever they [ __ ] want to do so I guess I'll have to read out his will have to play his rap song which we're looking forward to I guess you know man yeah so it's like you know it's what I need is it god [ __ ] but you know drop in bar so I'm trying to fill a cavity it's like pick a lane you know so but I can't wait to hear it lakeside maple go to lakeside maple cos best way to consume it is put it in your put it in your ass put it on a little yogurt it's good for the prostate lakeside maple dr. saundra is easy who's those GI stuff but it's also a Canadian so it's like you want to get your colon cracked open and cleaned out go to Cassandra is easy does he have an Instagram what is it dr. souls dr. souls dr sol es correct dr. Sol so call him if you having a little GI issues um be scripts EBD script which is you know if you want to get to another planet because life is just too hard go to CBD script I mean they they're on CBDs themselves they never really given us real cop you know if they have a website with the promo code is just Google CBD script and I guess put in hyenas Yanni long days a [ __ ] I mean just is it CBD script calm and the promo code is hyenas fifteen Maheen is 15 which is a random 15 you got to remember sorry percent oh yeah 15 percent off which is like you know 50% off like just pay full price at CB dates you know you don't and lakeside maple is promo code wild lakeside maple promo code wild that's easier it's four letters and then is there one I'm missing that's all I think that's everybody right yeah so go check those people out we really appreciate for them having it you know it's almost 20 20 and things are going to start to get a little different Jana yeah go to history.com chrissy d comedy christy comedy calm chris Papa's comedy yeah I got a lot of shows coming up so go check them out especially January it's my chemo Mike you'll be with me at the celebrity theater January 25th in Atlantic City Spaceland Ballroom Hamden Connecticut January 24th and then Denver Comedy Works January 2nd to the 4th so go check those out and then also our t-shirts well we honest your dates you have got them next Gotham comedy club February 21st and 2nd and uncle Vinny's 28th and 29th February so go to Yanis perhaps coming office' comedy calm yeah so we have teachers at our T spring store so we're gonna have one t-shirts only available for the Christmas season Chanukah season yes I'm actually really excited that this is gonna be limited time mike is gonna put on his online his cuties a smoothie shirt and I'm gonna be we should love it ok that's why we're gonna put it out which is for the holiday season so go get them I def I'm gonna be the first minute perfect Jeff yeah I'm definitely gonna get one I bought i buy all them I buy my own March so it's what it is thank you for you guys you know here this episode but I didn't go to iTunes yeah believe it's a review and we'll be at Methodist Hospital I'm taking you on estudiar you

Channel: History Hyenas

Views: 39,345

Rating: 4.9125152 out of 5

Keywords: Chris Distefano, chris Distefano comedy, Yannis Pappas, Chris Distefano Podcast, History Hyenas, The Bonfire, bayridge boys, joe rogan experience, ladder 14, andrew schultz, comedian, podcast, entertainment, commentary, comedy club, jokes, history, history class, homework, history homework, best history podcasts, funniest podcasts, best educational podcast, the crusades explained, the crusades summary, the crusades oversimplified, the crusades for middle school

Id: RikOti-7nkQ

Length: 56min 0sec (3360 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 22 2019