- Big Daddy, Big Daddy,
let me look at you! - Oh, let me look at you. Oh, you're still as pretty as a lady bug sunning itself on a lily
pad on a misty spring day, south of Savannah. - Could you be more specific, Big Daddy?
(audience laughs) (upbeat music) - Oh, you know, I think this is the best
visit we've ever had. - I think it's because you
realized I'm a grown woman. - Well, I never thought
the day would come but we are finally the same age. (audience laughs) Why don't you stay longer? - Oh, mama, I can't stay because, we're telling each
other everything, right? - Everything, no more secrets. - Oh good. Mama, I'm getting impregnated on Monday. (audience laughs) I've decided the best thing
for me is to go to a sperm bank and get artificially inseminated. (audience laughs) - Why would you do something
like this, just to hurt me? (audience laughs) - Mama, try to understand. I can't pass a carriage
without looking in. I heard my biological
clock ticking so loudly it was keeping me up at night. (audience laughs) A baby should be doing that. - But why don't you wait
'til you get married? - I don't want to get married. - Well than at least wait until I'm dead. (audience laughs) - You really mean that? - Yes, I do. Wait until all my friends are dead too. (audience laughs) The last thing I need is
whispering at my funeral. (audience laughs) - I can't believe you're
reacting like this. We got so close this past week, I thought I could tell you anything. - Anything but this. (audience laughs) - Well, mama, I'm going to do this whether you like it or not. - Oh, oh, I see, missy. So this is the thanks I get
for all those cold nights when you were a baby crying and I'd have to get up out of bed and grope around in the dark
from my slippers and robe, make my way all the way downstairs and scream for the governess? (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) (soft music) Did you see the way those
people on the elevator looked at us when you pushed five? I'm so embarrassed. - Mama, they didn't look at us at all. - They didn't want to make eye contact with anybody going to the
fifth floor, the sperm floor. (audience laughs) - I think you're overreacting. - Perverts looked at us
like we were perverts. (audience laughs) I know that look. (audience laughs) - Ms. Devereaux, the
doctor will see you now. Through that door, end of the hall. - Come on, Mama. - Eyes straight ladies. Ma, no opening doors. (audience laughs) - And that's pretty much the procedure. Rebecca will be taken
care of by her own doctor after selecting a donor from thousands of
acceptable possibilities. Any questions? - Plenty. Can just anybody walk in off the street and make my daughter pregnant? - We screen the applicants very carefully. We know everything about them. We know their body type,
their IQ, their eye color. Any more questions? - Yes, just one. What in hell are we doing here? I feel like I'm in the
middle of some awful dream, yet I know it can't be a dream 'cause there are no boy dancers. (audience laughs) - Mother! - I just cannot believe you are
actually going to give money to someone like this sperm pusher. (audience laughs) You are a Devereaux, a Devereaux has never had to pay for it. I certainly haven't. (audience laughs) - She's always depended on
the kindness of strangers. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) - Fine, fine, make jokes. I'd just like to know
how you all would feel if you thought you were
going to have a test tube for a son-in-law. (audience laughs) - Ms. Devereaux, you forgot to fill out
the name of the father. - I was artificially inseminated. - It was the father's last wish. (audience laughs) That and that people should
be able to visit Graceland. (audience laughs) Oh doctor, thank God you're here. - I'm not the doctor, I sell hats. - Mr. Ninervini? - Rose, who is this man? - He's my ice skating. Oh my God, I must have
called the wrong coach. (audience laughs)
(audience claps) - Oh are you the doctor? - Yes. - The contractions have been approximately five minutes apart for
the last 45 minutes. I suggest you see how dilated she is. - Gee, I never would've thought of that. (audience laughs) - Let's get her head up so
the baby can get more oxygen. - No, no, no.
- No, get her feet up so it'll be a boy.
- Oh raise her arms I want a girl. (whistle sounds) - Listen up. I want three people in
here, the pregnant woman, the coach and the baby. - You heard him ladies. Okay, doc, let's go. - Listen if anybody is staying
in here with my daughter, it is her mother. (screams)
- Nine, 10. Rest, rest. Good, good, we're getting there. - God, I don't think I can
take much more of this. (audience laughs) Becky if you hurry up and have this baby, I'll run down and get you some ice cream. (audience laughs) - When are you going to stop
treating me like a child? - Oh, somebody's grumpy. (audience laughs) - I want her out of here. - Why Becky you don't mean that. - Oh right, I'm in a real
joking mood, now get out. - Becky! - You're not helping, Mama. - Well then I will just
take a little break. - Oh, mama! - Oh honey, baby, I'm here. (audience laughs) - One more push and we'll be there. - No, I can't. - Oh Becky, now you know I've never been real
strict with you, honey, but you have to. (audience laughs)
- No, I'll just carry this baby with me for the rest of my life.
(audience laughs) - No, it's bad look. (audience laughs) - I can't, Mama, I can't. - Listen, Rebecca Devereaux, I think you must be about
the bravest woman alive. - You do? - Oh honey, I couldn't
do what you're doing. You've got courage I never had. Why you just decided how
you wanted to have your baby and you're doing it. I think that's wonderful,
I'm just so proud of you. I just love you. - All right. One more push but that's it. (audience laughs)
- Thatta girl, come on. Come on, darling. (screams) (baby cries) - Oh my God, oh would
you just look at him. - Mrs. Devereaux, that's
the umbilical cord. (audience laughs) - Oh.
(audience laughs) Oh well look at her. Oh look at this, Becky. - She's wonderful.
- Oh my gosh. She's almost as beautiful as you were. - Oh we did it, Mama, we did it. - Oh honey thank you for
letting me be here with you. - I couldn't have done it without you. - You know the first time
I ever held you in my arms, I knew I was holding somebody I was gonna love for the rest of my life. Oh, hello little baby,
we've been waiting for you. (soft music) - Girls, my father's coming, Big Daddy's coming! He just called. Oh Big Daddy's going to
be in Miami tomorrow, I can't believe it. - I can't believe I know
anyone who calls her father Big Daddy.
(audience laughs) - Back home everybody calls him big daddy. Why he's the most respected
and beloved man in our town. Oh, for as long as I can remember, people from all over the county
would drive up to Twin Oaks, that's the name of our house to ask Big Daddy's advice
on one thing or the other. And while the men were discussing
business on the veranda, the ladies would retire to
the shade of an old Magnolia, to a sip mint juleps and
exchange prize winning pecan pie recipe.
(audience laughs) - Tell me Blanche during any of this, would the farm hands suddenly
break into a chorus of "'Dem Old Cotton Fields Back Home"? (audience laughs) - Oh, I've got a million things to do before big daddy gets here. I have to go pick up his favorite food and his favorite brandy and cigars. I want him to feel right at home. (soft music) Ladies, how do I look?
(audience cheers) - Like the night hostess at Denny's. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) - This is exactly like the
dress I wore to my Sweet 16. It was always Big daddy's favorite. (doorbell rings) Oh, there he is now. Now listen, girls, my father is an old time
Southern aristocrat, who is used to fine manners and gentility. So please, please, please
be on your best behavior. (audience laughs) - Why is everyone looking at me? (audience laughs) - Daddy, I want you to
meet my best friends. This is Rose. - Charmed.
- Hello, how do you do? - Hey, has anyone ever told you, you are the spitting
image of Ms. Dinah Shore? (audience laughs) - No. (laughs) You're putting me on. - Of course he is. (audience laughs) And Daddy, this is Dorothy. - I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend you. - No harm done, darling. Now I want you to promise
me you won't fret none. - Well I would except I'm not exactly sure what fret none is. (audience laughs) - Oh Daddy I'm so glad to see you, get on over here and sit down. - Oh I can't stay, honey. I got some business to attend to, but I'll be back later tonight. I got a surprise for you. - Oh, did you get me something? What is it? What did you buy for me, daddy? - Well nothing, sugar. - Oh fiddle dee dee. (audience laughs) - Fiddle dee dee? (audience laughs) - This is so much fun, it's like being in "Gone with the Wind". (audience laughs) (soft music) - Howdy, Dorothy.
- Mr. Hollingsworth, come in. - Rose.
- Good to see you again. - Big daddy, big daddy,
let me look at you. - Oh, let me look at you. Oh, you're still as pretty as a lady bug sunning itself on a lily
pad on a misty spring day, south of Savannah. - Could you be more specific, big daddy? (audience laughs) - Big daddy, what's this surprise? Now tell me, tell me,
tell me before I burst. - Well, I don't know how
you're going to take this so I'll tell you flat out. There's a lady friend that I've been spending a
lot of time with recently. - Oh, do I know her? - Well, I don't think so. Helen and Rooney McCoy introduced
me to the widow Spencer at their son's wedding a few months ago. - I'd like to meet her some time. - You see, she's going to
be here tomorrow evening. - Just exactly what is
this surprise, daddy? (laughs) - Well now I don't want
you to get too excited, but Margaret and I are planning
on walking down the aisle together.
(screams) (audience laughs) Is she happy or sad? (audience laughs) - I'm not sure, I've never
heard her make the sound before. (audience laughs) - No, I once heard him make that sound and I assure you she was happy. (audience laughs) - Daddy, I have never been
happier in my entire life. - Oh I'm so glad, I was
worried how you're gonna react. - Daddy you know nobody can
ever replace mama in my heart. But the important thing is
for you to be happy, daddy. - I wish you all the best. - Oh I hope you two will just be so happy together.
- I am going to throw you and the widow Spencer, the
best wedding you ever saw. - Now we don't want any fuss. We're planning on getting
married in the Bahamas. - No I will not hear of it. A Hollingsworth has to
get married in style. - Hello.
- Oh hello, please come in. You must be from the catering company. - Actually, I'm from Atlanta,
I'm Margaret Spencer. - Whoa.
(audience laughs) - What a coincidence, Blanche's father is marrying a
Margaret Spencer from Atlanta (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) only she's much older, I think. What do you think, Dorothy? - Whoa. (audience laughs) - I'm just getting so excited
about big daddy's wedding. Hello there, I'm Blanche Devereaux. - Yes, Blanche this is,
I'd like you to meet, say hello to Big Mommy. (audience laughs) (soft music) - Well I'm sorry I'm so early. Traffic wasn't what I expected. - Well, the important thing
is you got here safely. (audience laughs) - It's so good to finally
meet you, Blanche. Your father has told me so much about you. - Oh, I wish I could say the same. (audience laughs) - Margaret, please sit down. - Maybe we ought to
get her a booster seat. (audience laughs) - Can I get you a drink? - How about chocolate milk? (audience laughs) - So, Margaret, you're from Atlanta. - That's right. - That child over there is
trying to steal my daddy away. She's no better than a tick
on a slow moving hound dog. (audience laughs) - Why is everyone around here
talking like (indistinct)? - Let's make a toast. - With water? - Well I can't drink. - You never could. One Jack Daniels and you'd disappear with half a fraternity house. (audience laughs) - Blanche, we said we
weren't going to do this. - Well, what else can we do? We never held a real
conversation our entire lives. - Well then it's time
for us to start, okay? - Fine with me. - To us, to the beginning of a new
and wonderful relationship, to sisters. - That's very sweet, Virginia. Now, what do you want? (audience laughs) - What is it with you? You just step on any
kind of tender moment. - Oh tender moment my foot. All my life you've taken everything that ever meant anything to me. - What did I take? A couple of cashmere
sweaters and a poodle skirt? - You took my poodle skirt, was that you? (audience laughs) - Blanche, that was over 40 years ago. - Oh shut up. (audience laughs) - I can't believe that you
are still crazy about that. - It's not over that. It's over Tom. - Tom? - Don't act so surprised, Virginia. You knew I was dating him. Then I had to go to the
country to visit Aunt Augusta. When I got back I had
poison ivy and you had Tom. I loved that boy, I wanted to
marry him, we were serious. - You only had two dates with him. - I was fast. (audience laughs) - I swear I didn't think
that you liked him at all. - Then I had to be made
of honor at your wedding. I had to stand there
and watch you marry Tom and I had to wear that green dress, which you knew was my most awful color. I looked just like a swamp frog. (audience laughs) Everyone I ever loved you took. - Would it help you to
know the Tom fooled around? - No. With who? (audience laughs) - Everyone. - Serves you right.
- Blanche! - Well it does, what
goes around comes around. (audience laughs) - Well, then I must have been really bad. - What do you mean? - Well, it's the reason I'm here. - I knew it, I knew you had a
reason, better be a good one. - I'm dying. - What? - I'm dying. - Well, my God, that explains it then. - What? - Why you're looking so
much older than I am. (audience laughs) (soft music) She's going into renal failure, so a transplant is her best hope. - Oh honey, I'm so sorry. - What happens if she
doesn't get your kidney? - Then she'll die. - You hold her life in your hands? What are you going to do? - I don't know. - I'm glad you're not my sister. (audience laughs)
(audience claps) (soft music) - Blanche, I know you need
some time to think it over. - You're damn right I do. We're talking about a vital
organ in my body here. - I know. - You gonna give it to her or not? (audience laughs)
- Sophia. - What does it mean,
a little less bourbon? (audience laughs) - It's a big decision, Sophia. She's got to think about it. - She's family. If you can't count on family,
who the hell can you count on? (audience claps) - She's Italian. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) - I'll understand, you
know, if you decide not to. - Well, how come you didn't
ask Charmaine for her kidney? You were always closer to Charmaine. - Charmaine's kidneys are
attached to each other. - What do you mean attached? - Well, the two are joined, it's like having one big kidney
and you can't separate them. - Leave it to Charmaine. (audience laughs) - I know, she never could help mama because she had heart flutters and she never could take gym class, no, because she had a tipped uterus and she never did any housework because she had a spastic colon. Now she has attached kidneys. (audience laughs) - That girl is some kind of mutant. (audience laughs) I had time to do a lot of thinking. - And? - And of course I'm going to do it. - Blanche, you're a brave lady. - Oh, you really are, honey. - No, I have to, I don't
want my sister to die. I want her to live and
not just for her, for me. I want to get to know her like a grownup, but I want us to have a
chance to be friends, sisters. After all she's the only family I have. - I thought you had a sister, Charmaine. - Oh, you can't count her. (audience laughs) Why she's an awful,
selfish, neurotic woman who made me and Virginia
miserable our entire lives. (laughs) And you remember that time, Big daddy caught us skinny
dipping with those boys? - And you told them it
was our Bible study group, just practicing baptizing. (audience laughs) - It would have worked too if
you hadn't come up screaming, hey, y'all things look bigger underwater. (audience laughs) - Maybe it's my imagination but we seem to be getting along. - I know. You just seem so refined
and vivacious and charming, boy you've really changed. (audience laughs) - Thank you, Blanche. (audience laughs) Now don't forget, I'm going to see you
later at the book signing. - Maybe I can get a
copy of your book there. - Well it just so happens. - Oh, is this it? "Vixen: Story of a
Woman", ooh, catchy title. - Would you like me to sign it? - Oh sure. Oh imagine an autographed copy. Will this make it harder to exchange? (audience laughs) (laughs) Just kidding. To my sister, Blanche. You have inspired me more
than you will ever know, Charmaine. That is very sweet. Well, I guess we'll see each
other at the book signing. - Oh, I meant to ask you, by any chance, do you happen to know what happened to big daddy's pocket watch? Virginia says you took
it after the funeral. - That pocket watch meant so much to me. - Big daddy promised that watch to me. - In writing?
(audience laughs) - It was in the will. - All right, all right,
you can have the watch. It's in my room. - Oh, not now, I'm late. Just bring it to the book signing, okay? - Well bye darling. See you then. I don't believe this, I
just don't believe it. - Blanche, what's the matter? - Listen to this. "Vixen stared at herself in the mirror, "her pouty lips, her flaxen hair, "her flawless alabaster skin. "Her proud breasts seem to be saying, "is it just me or is it cold in here?". (audience laughs) - So? - Pouty, flaxen, proud. What do you need a photograph? This book is about me. (audience laughs) - Blanche, oh you look just beautiful. Thank you for coming. - Oh darling, I wouldn't
miss this for the world. - Did you get a chance
to read any of the book? - Every word. - Well, what'd you think? - Well, I should've known,
I couldn't trust you. That all that let's be sister stuff was just a bunch of bull. You had no right to use
my life for your book, to twist facts so that
beautiful, sacred love became so much toddery trash. I earned that A in history. (audience laughs) For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed to be a Hollingsworth. "Vixen: Story of a Woman" is nothing but a vulgar
collection of perverse, sexual acts that are
sheer and utter filth. (audience laughs) (soft music) - Blanche, listen, nothing
happened between me and Rose. Just like nothing ever happens between me and any of the women you set me up with. There's a reason. - What are you saying, Clayton? - I'm saying I'm gay, Blanche. - Oh Clayton, please be serious. - Blanche. - Clay, I know you too well for this. After all, I know it can't
be true, you're my brother. - It's true, Blanche. Maybe I ought to just
leave you alone for awhile. - Clayton Hollingsworth, you look me in the face
and tell me you really are what you just said you are. - I think you heard me
the first time, Blanche. (soft music) - Clayton. - Blanche, how'd you find me here? - Well, I knew that you and
Rose were here last night. May I join you? - Of course. - Thank you. (laughs) You know what that popcorn reminds me of? Rex's drive in out at the lake. (laughs) You remember the night
my date and I parked right next to you and your date? Pretty soon, it got to be a contest who could fog up whose car the fastest. (laughs) I think you won. - You weren't doing too badly considering you were in a convertible. - Yes.
(audience laughs) You know, Clay I've been thinking a lot
about what you told me today and I've also been thinking
a lot about that boy out at Rex's drive in and honey, the two pictures don't go together. There's just something
wrong with one of them. - But it's not the one
you're hoping, Blanche. It was the heater fogging up
my car windows that night. - I'm having a little trouble
putting this all together. Clayton, I just feel like
I don't know you anymore. - I'm the same person I always was. - No, you're not. You used to be just like me. - What? Great looking? - Yes.
- Charming? - Yes.
- Irresistible to men? (audience laughs) - My God, Clayton, you are me. (audience laughs) But I still just can't. - Blanche, I spent a long
time lying to myself. It felt a lot better when I stopped. It feels better being
honest with you, too. And I'd hate to think that
this is going to keep us from being friends. - Well, honey of course it isn't. Oh no, I'll get used to this, I will. Well look at me already,
I'm practically comfortable seeing you here in a gay bar. - Blanche, this isn't a gay bar. - Clayton, now we did say
we were going to be honest with each other. (audience laughs) All right, now I can do my
part, you just watch this. You all over at the bar, I just want to say that
I would be very proud to have anyone of you date my brother. (audience laughs) - I'd rather date you, lady. (audience laughs) - Sweet Jesus, I've just
done the impossible, I've converted one. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) (soft music) - I'll say this for
Clayton, he has great taste. Doug is absolutely charming. - And funny. It's not every cop who could do a good Bette Davis impression. (audience laughs) - I don't really mind
Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men. (audience laughs) - You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you? - There must be
homosexuals who date women. - Yeah, they're called lesbians. (audience laughs) - I wanted you to meet Doug
for a very important reason. - Well why? - Blanche, we're getting married. (audience laughs) - Well that's impossible, Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds) That's right, you're from the south. (audience laughs) - Blanche and Clayton aren't
getting married, you airhead. (audience laughs) Clayton and Doug are. - Oh. Oh. (audience laughs) Oh?
(audience laughs) - It'll be a simple ceremony, just exchanging rings and
affirming our commitment to each other in front of our friends. I mean it's not like it's
gotta be a big fancy wedding. - Although we are
registered at Neiman Marcus. (audience laughs) - Well you have pulled
some stunts in your day, Clayton Hollingsworth,
but this takes the cake. I cannot believe what I just heard. I refuse to have any part of this. - Oh Blanche.
- Oh! - Blanche! (door slams) (soft music) - Blanche, I've been thinking
about Clayton and Doug and I have a question. - What? - Why do men have nipples? (audience laughs) - I have no idea. - You think it's because
God has a sense of humor and isn't as uptight as the rest of us? (audience laughs) - It's easier for you to say that Sophia, it's not your brother who's
getting married to a man. - Hey, it's not like the guys in my family never kissed a man. Of course, that was business. (audience laughs) Although there was that one hit man who always had to have
a flower in his lapel and would hold the kiss
of death a little longer than he had to. (audience laughs) - Oh look, I can accept
the fact that he's gay but, why does he have to slip a
ring on this guy's finger so the whole world will know? - Why did you marry George? - We loved each other. We wanted to make a lifetime commitment, wanted everybody to know. - That's what Doug and Clayton want to. Everyone wants someone to grow old with and shouldn't everyone have that chance? - Sophia, I think I see
what you're getting at. - I don't think you do. Blanche, will you marry me? (audience laughs) - Thank you, Sophia, I
need to go talk to them. - Fine, but I'll need an answer. I'm not going to wait for you forever. (audience laughs) - We have to talk. - There is nothing for us to talk about. - I wasn't speaking to you. I have just one question for you. - Okay. - Do you love him? - What do you mean? - Well you see he's my baby brother and I've always felt it
was my responsibility to look out for him. So I can't just let him get
married to just anybody. So do you love him? - I do very much. - Well good, 'cause so do I. - You mean that, Blanche? Because Doug loves me for what I am not for what he wants me
to be or wishes I were. - I guess I deserve that. - I guess you do. - Well Clay this is very difficult for me. I still can't say I
understand what you're doing, but I do intend to try to
respect your decision to do it. I want you to be happy. - I am happy, Blanche. - I know. - So are you telling me you are ready to have a brand new brother-in-law? (audience laughs) - I suppose I am. (laughs) Now, look here. Now, he's not perfect,
has a stubborn streak and a bad temper. - And he snores. (audience laughs) - That'll just be our little secret. (audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
