The Golden Girls - Golden Moments - Season 3

here blanche you can add this to the pile you're not serious you're not giving this dress to the rummage sale this is the best looking out that you own you're right i still look damn good in this thing well i don't know about damn good that particular design does tend to accentuate your behind while simultaneously diminishing your cleavage wait just a minute blanche first you tell me this is the prettiest outfit i own then you tell me i don't look very good in it now which one is the truth both just on the bright side honey how often do you get out of your robe on the weekends good morning sophia what are you doing i'm levitating rose get lost i never went to bed with alvin the thought never crossed my mind which is odd because i've always wondered about that myth there's a myth about people named alvin the myth about black men in the bedroom [Applause] is that a greek myth well kid what do you want i changed my mind i was wrong to ask for all those gifts dorothy you see i knew she'd come to her senses i decided cash is better that way i can buy exactly what i want i'll get my purse no blanche i'm not going to let you do that i've been doing a lot of thinking and if after all the years of love and companionship fernando and i are meant to part company i'll just have to accept that time to time life deals you an unfriendly hand there's nothing you can do about it i guess there's a lesson to be learned here sometimes life just isn't fair kiddo so that's when the salesman from men's sportswear walks clear across the store into ladies petite and says uh excuse me miss but i notice you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backlist well personally i would like to see you in the backless and i said when and he said how about saturday night and i said how about in your dreams sleezo can you believe the nerve of that guy are you doing in ladies petite hi rose we brought dinner what'd you get a bucket of chicken i hope you like it extra flat and crispy [Laughter] you know this is boring i don't know how we could make the time go faster we could sing a work song like they do on the railroad just follow my lead gonna stop the chicken gonna stuff the chickens like my mama taught me like my mama taught me i'm gonna take the chicken mississippi [Applause] rose just stuff it maybe we should have a weapon please the three of you without makeup is enough to scare anyone ma you don't like store-bought pizza you prefer homemade i also prefer milk straight from a cow i adapt [Applause] this is awful [Applause] you said we were going dancing tonight you failed to mention it was a dance marathon well the first prize is a thousand dollars and i have to have that money i'm in desperate need of medical attention is it serious very if i can't afford a new fall wardrobe i'll never land myself a doctor no offense russell and i just uh entered the dance marathon really so did i yes it's for charity i thought it would be fun uh-huh well have yourself a good time and try not to overdo it what is that supposed to mean oh nothing it's just that these things can be a little strenuous for a woman of your years who am i mimi eisenhower i can last just as long as you can oh darby please i think i do have a little more endurance than you blanche we are not dancing on our backs [Applause] you take that back i will not you just implied that i'm an old lady oh well honey i didn't mean to imply it i meant to say it flat out you know what your problem is blanche you can't stand a little competition which is why you tried to keep this whole thing a secret from me well i noticed you're here too dorothy so you tried to keep it a secret for me hi girls at two judas no it's me rose that thousand dollar prize is gonna be mine when i was younger i was known as the dancing fool huh how old were you when they dropped the dancing pad [Music] you know this reminds me of the big dance back in saint olaf to kick off pretzel week my uncle gunther after the great beer nut shortage of 20. now foul send a judge over here this woman is trying to put us to sleep [Applause] you're just exhausted and you're trying to blame it on me exhausted i'll show you who's exhausted maestro how about something with a little octane okay little lady all right boys take it away a one two one two three four [Applause] [Music] [Music] oh [Applause] [Music] come on if i give it a no dave i better do this by myself you might get hurt three four [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] and that little lady on the dance floor is out too unless she can find a new partner within the next minute [Music] oh yeah excuse me sir listen would you consider dumping your partner and dancing with me huh listen sir excuse me would you consider it if i [Music] mccarthy which one of these necklaces do you think looks better with this dress this gold chain or the pearls yeah they both look nice punch i'm just not sure about the pearls do you think pearls nestled in the ample cleavage revealed by my clinging low-cut gown somehow might suggest i'm nothing but a cheap easy good time that night that settles it pearls it is you look terrific you look like you lost 15 pounds well thank you sophia oh that's your thigh i thought it was part of the couch blanche try to remember gravy isn't a beverage i found out this morning i'm gonna be a mother again i'll bet it's a boy you're carrying really high in in front i'm not having we've been waiting for you did you bring the baby i brought him him did you hear that girls does he look anything like me well judge for yourself come on baby come on baby [Applause] well uh maybe just a little around the eyes what in hell is going on here this is baby five times blue ribbon winner at the minnesota state fair oh my god that's the cutest baby i've ever seen nah it's a pig hey you were no great-looking when i brought you home from the hospital i loved you anyway hi dorothy you are if you get in the kitchen and eat your slop before i spank that little pink fanny all right i'm going i'm going oh margarita i could kiss you and i don't go for that freaky stuff neither do dorothy and i if you get norman's attention it won't be because of what is in that bottle but if it does i'll sell my mother for an ounce well i was only trying to be helpful i figured with those terrible bugs you needed to rest dorothy always looks like that besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies listen i have an idea why don't you all take turns hitting me with a 2x4 okay go ahead and fire her dorothy why should i be the one to fire her you're the meanest blanche that's not true dorothy just looks the meanest we hired marguerite together we fire her together thank you rose and by the way you look the dumbest oh you got mad at us for firing you that's why you reverse that love potion you gave me honey that wasn't love potion that was chanel number five i'm not buying that dorothy uses chanel number five all the time and she never attracts men honey now listen i know an easy way to get through this the way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked [Laughter] really yup and if you do it right you'll probably even start to laugh [Laughter] [Applause] yes i had a phobia too you dorothy you were afraid of some big old strong strapping thing like you oh i'd hate to have to give a eulogy what if it was my eulogy why what if you were giving a eulogy for me what would you say oh come on blind i'm serious dorothy what would you say well i i guess i'd say that you were a lovely generous person and you know one of the best friends i ever had nothing about my looks no i'd i'd say that you were one of the prettiest friends one of the blanche the prettiest what would you say about me dorothy come on i told you you can tell me all right well i would say i always felt safe having you in the house and i would say i always enjoyed talking to you when i'd come home from one of my numerous dates and i would say i always looked up to you like an older sister thank you flange oh and i forgot one thing i would also say you're fat out there all alone staring at my relatives he'll be ready to hoot and snicker at the first crack in my voice they'll think i'm an idiot please it's family they know you're an idiot you think maybe you could hold on to something else for a while honey oh of course honey i'm sorry of a mishap during our flight miss what does she mean what does she mean by mystery she means like bad movies or cold food or running out of ice running out of gas oh my god burping the pressure in the cabin will change and we're flying to a mountain that would be a good example of a mishap rose do me a favor fasten your seatbelt over your mouth anyway i got bigger problems i don't have an act of the talent show talent show could i be in it branch what you're talented at isn't generally done on a stage i've been talking to that good-looking reporter over there he just got back from russia he told me a couple of very interesting things it snows there in the summertime and they don't have very many attractive women do you realize what that means will we go to russia i will have my pick of any man in the country and you can make a snowman in june i don't know her name but look they hid in the bushes and took this picture of her from behind going into his house i don't believe wait a minute that looks like blanche's red dress and those look like blanche's red shoes and aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet that little floozy stole blanche's clothes it's like having agatha christie right here in our kitchen rose blanche is that little floozy now look blanch we're in public now there's no reason to be hostile oh yes there is i don't like you and horizontal stripes make you look like roger ebert there now do you really want to put this on a childish level of name calling yes so do i traitor backstabber home wrecker you should stay mad at us for a long long time you should make us grovel eat dirt beg for forgiveness give us the silent treat rose if you give us the silent treatment i will eat dirt too much really i just own a few mini malls oh your wife must be very proud of you actually we're divorced oh i'm terribly terribly sorry [Applause] did you hurry why don't you come in for a nightcare oh i don't want to put you to put out i didn't steal your date ted told me that the two of you had absolutely nothing in common well obviously he's dull boring and has dubious taste to say the least that is some schoolgirl attempt to get my goat you're wasting your breath i'm simply questioning how any man could possibly choose you over me it's not working blanche i suppose there could be some exceptions convicts who haven't seen a woman in 25 years it's still not working you bimbo [Laughter] how childish to resort to name calling you jezebel floozy i am a blanche have you heard the latest ad campaigns join the navy see the world sleep with blanched everead join the army be all you can be and sleep with blanched everead the marines are looking for a few good men who have not slept with blind [Applause] just what are you trying to imply trash on my you're 81 years old your eyesight is weaker your reflexes are slower and who are you magic johnson i threw myself at ted and he just tossed me aside like a ratty old pair of sweat socks well i i'm not like you dorothy i'm not used to that kind of humiliation dorothy i'm just so angry floyd mccallum just called me one hour before he's supposed to pick me up in his brand new two-tone mercedes he's canceled our date for tonight well he probably had a good reason oh he said he had to go and visit his sick mother in the hospital did you ever hear such a weak excuse his mother isn't in the hospital well of course she is but he can visit her anytime you only see me tonight this is the last straw this is it i don't care if lloyd mccallum does own the most successful pet neutering business in greater miami as of this myth i am never speaking to that low down skus ball ever again you changed his mind and look at that young thing we're seeing why she's half his age she's half your age i am never getting into a car with you again ever i can't believe you're being such a wimp ma you went through the stop sign you hit a mailbox you almost ran over mrs burlfine please the woman's already in a wheelchair how much more damage could i do look at the other side he did get to kiss me big deal more people get to kiss you than the pope's ring i'm good at it i i i was only blessed with one talent turning men on i just never known how to turn them off you tell him dorothy i would blanch but remember we just want to turn him off not drain the sex drive completely out of well him honey what are you still doing up studying for my spanish test like somebody else i know should be don't strain yourself here branch these are the answers to the test where did you get these i'll give you one guess you slept with the teacher of course i didn't sleep with the teacher you have to be very careful these days i promised i would if you give me the answer i call it safe teasing the way to make a deal is when we state our price stick to our guns and undo another button on our blouses mush that is ridiculous unbuttoning my blouse is not going to get us a better deal you are absolutely right don't touch yours rose and i will unbutton ourselves ma if you didn't like the dress you should have just told me hey i was trying to be helpful asking if it came with a sign saying wide load is not being read i will never ever take you shopping with me again fine i'll chop with them all by myself then i'll be able to pee when i'm good and ready give five weeks to find it that's because i'm hard to fit i can see that dorothy i'm not blind well i didn't mean anything by that honey actually i tend to fall between sizes myself usually i'm smack dab between a 4 and a 16. i really would like you to go with me and help me pick out a dress what do you say what do i say i'm your mother dorothy i was there for you when you needed a communion dress i was there for you when you needed a prom dress i was there for you when you needed a wedding dress and frankly i'm sick of it buy your own damn dress [Music] [Applause] well ma what do you think pussycat you look sensational you really think so ma i really think so i've never seen you look so beautiful thanks ma who's the designer he deserves a nobel prize for miracles why do i even ask you i'll be your mother i'm going to tell you whether you ask me or not girls just wait until you see the little number i picked up for the museum here i go [Applause] i thought you were going to wear something out of your closet well i was but as it turned out nothing fit me well what did you expect blanche last weekend you ate so many pudding pops you could have built the eiffel tower from the sticks that is not what i meant i meant everything just hangs on me of course it does that's why you have to cover it with a dress blanch it has taken me a whole month to find this dress you are simply going to have to take yours back oh tara they'd be reasonable this dress looks so much better on me than it does on you i am not taking mine back i am not taking mine back girls i really need to talk this is crazy since when do you care how you look i think it started when i came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed this dress looks sensational on me people expect to see me in a sensational dress and what do they expect to see me in a yamaka and a hefty bag i want you to settle this dress business there is nothing to settle now i am wearing this dress dorothy it deserves to be displayed on a devastatingly beautiful body who are you gonna send it to kim basinger and what is that supposed to mean why don't you think about it while you're inhaling your next cheesecake blanch i can't go out tonight look at me dorothy you've looked much worse than this all right come on let's go jump come on lunch please please my body aches well so does mine honey that's why i want to go out on this day dorothy you owe me an apology your ads right here oh rose this is the personals column so why so what you put an ad in the personals column that said i will do anything for eight dollars an hour look it's right under an ad that reads history professor seeking non-smoking oriental woman who was into western oil and bears a resemblance to florence henderson is that sign doug yes i know him he's a sick man i'm terribly sorry for this mix-up good-bye oh my god i don't believe this i'm gonna call the cops if you don't get out of here right away you pervert hi father rossi here's the canned goods for the needy oh no hi here's my eight dollars let's get started dorothy oh i'm not dorothy she is i'll give you four dollars let's get started how would you like your rear end kicked across the street oh great here's the other four dollars she's always harping on us to do everything just right i'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house those of you who wear underwear i'll get the whipped cream i'll get the chocolate syrup i'll get the polaroid this is a time to remember why you don't have a polaroid i'll get mine it's under my bed i have to go in there for the whipped cream anyway [Applause] how was bingo judge for yourself oh you don't have any clothes on tell me about him i just walked 10 blocks i got a belly button full of tweed i still can't believe it happened i've never been so humiliated honey there's no reason for you to be embarrassed he plays tricks on everybody i'm talking about on my way home my belt came loose in front of a construction site nobody whistled and two guys went home sick hi girls oh hi rose sophia what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house you tell me rose ah dorothy was sophia naked just now or does her dress really need ironing woman at the museum who hasn't been after him from the day he arrived oh women can be so silly they think because you are an artist you must also be a great lover they think because you are a master in the studio you must also be a master in the bedroom you think because you can work a piece of clay into a piece of beautiful art you can also work a woman's body into fits of ecstasy and passion and total screaming abandon anybody else like something cold to drink i just stand there in front of him and all my luscious nakedness and somehow he manages to suppress the urge to throw me on the floor and ravish me please if he throws you on the floor you both end up at the apartment below oh i am so mad blanche i can explain explain what it's got nothing to do with you it's lazlo i just saw some of the sketches he's been doing of me rosie never lets me see him so today i looked through his things and i found some they're horrible the hair's all big and frizzy the body's all droopy and saggy the woman in those sketches is a dog blanche she's a clown blanche she's just a hideous wrinkled old bag blanks the woman in those sketches is me i know she sounds like it honey but she's not what is going on here nothing rose just stabbing me in the back i did not she's been posing for laszlo too he asked me to i sure don't know why he'd go to sea world if he wanted to see a naked whale or to your bathtub oh that does it missy all right this means war you too he asked me last thursday well i am stunned i'm relieved relieved well sure the woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been done [Applause] oh so now tell us which one of us is it gonna be dorothy here a rose or a woman whose breasts you once described as perfect champagne glass-sized orbs of dancing loveliness blanche i did not say that well you agreed when i said it the statue oh this is so exciting i just can't wait to hear that crowd gasp when they lift up the sheet and see me there i'd think you'd be used to that by now bro okay girls how do i look oh blanche you look beautiful but do i look like a mother are you kidding from the side you look like you're about to drop twins that's like something that happened back in st oh rose stop rose why is it when any one of us makes an observation the first thing we hear from you is back in st olive did it ever occur to you that we might be sick and tired of hearing back and saint olaf back in saint olaf back in saint olaf gee no i never realized i'm sorry oh that's okay back in that town whose name you're tired there is no fun in my life have you ever felt like you're stuck in a rut going through the motions with with no joy or pleasure or excitement sure that was my sex life with your father mom my job is routine i have virtually no social life and nothing interests me my life has just become dull and boring where's that sense of fun that light-hearted laughter that devil may care attitude sofia when was dorothy ever like that never i've been asking her these questions since she's 12. dorothy you can't help it if you're dull and boring god did that to give the world some variety otherwise everybody be just like me there wouldn't be enough sailors to go around good morning girls dorothy you're a mess no i just spilled orange juice on myself oh really i didn't notice that i remember when i was a little girl back in st olaf there was this old lady who lived up the street she never smiled i mean she always looked angry the kid said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property we used to call her mean old lady hickenlooper yeah kids can be pretty cruel no that was her name mean old lady hickenly she had a change legally because everybody called her that him then how come your name isn't big dummy well there were already three other people in town but that's beside the point one day i got up the courage to go up to mean old lady hickenlooper and ask her why she always frowned will she had been born with no smiling muscles i pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down so from then on whenever i go by she'd stand on her head and wave hey dorothy can you believe it ten grand for this piece of junk this stuff kills me excuse me man you'll have to come with me you just smashed a priceless licten phone oh no i must have mixed the two up come on when are you going to learn that you have to stop with these ridiculous practical jokes i can't believe it she fell for it again you want to have yes to toot on your forehead here you go you are brilliant harry [Laughter] well goodbye where are you going it's saturday night i'm all dressed up there's a car honking for me think dorothy remember something called a date but it's still so early i thought we could all have a game of ugly floogals i don't believe i've ever heard of that oh we used to play it back in st olaf it's an adult version of hide-and-go-seek and how does it differ from the children's version adults play it i can't believe that stupid airline lost our luggage what are we gonna do ask blanche she's the expert when it comes to checking into hotels without luggage i can't believe somebody stole my bags oh honey don't worry about it with all the money we're gonna win you'll be able to replace those bags and everything in them yeah what about my bags relax with your you can have your bag surgically removed girls this is terrible we're gonna be on national television in seven hours we don't have any clothes and now we don't have a place to sleep look i sympathize with your problem for seventy five dollars you can sleep in the lobby and i won't have you arrested for loitering seven to five trolls oh fernando you naughty boy not the feather lunge bludge wake up people are looking at you what oh oh i'm sorry i think i was having an erotic dream you know your father used to do a thing with feathers when we were first married but he was too lazy to pull him off the chicken so i put an end to that now all we have to do is figure out a way to get to the studio we can always walk it's only 39 blocks if we start right now we can still get there in time i have a better idea we can hitchhike see i can lift up my skirt you know like in that clock gable movie it happened one night boy we'll have a ride in no time please you lift up your skirt and someone might mistake your thigh for the on-ramp to the freeway manage i am shocked that you would even suggest such a thing dorothy your mother and rose are dead weight let us cut them loose before they drag us down french you expect me to betray one of my dearest friends not to mention my own mother just so that we can win a few extra dollars yes okay i'll do it let's meet our lucky contestants first on the green team we have dorothy zbornak an english teacher originally from brooklyn new york she now lives in miami with her mother who will gladly pay anyone who will take her out for a date [Applause] our second contestant is an artist with an incredible body she runs our own museum speaks chinese and hopes to sail around the world before she turns 40. wow that must be a typo welcome glance devereaux next contestant is a family counselor she originally hails from st olaf minnesota where she was voted the girl most likely to get stuck in a tuba welcome and last but not least is a grandmother of six sophia patrollo sophia it says here that you and dorothy are mother and daughter no guy rose is my daughter now and you dorothy are the biggest disappointment to hit the streets is the amc pesa rose is on a roll and the blue team is leading 300 to nothing all right oh shut up nylon you shut up why don't you both shut up and answer this next question for 100 points complete this famous saying better late than blanche pregnant as much money as you can who's going to grab today i'm going to grab today guy wonderful dorothy you want to make quite a haul with those meat hooks window three guy all right dorothy but first let's see what you didn't pick behind window one brand new living room furniture retail price for this magnificent prize 12 000 but that's not what you picked thanks for pointing that out you're welcome dorothy let's see what's behind window two it's a brand new car yes it's a beautiful sports car you've always dreamed of retail price 23 000 now dorothy blanche willard and fred it's time to see what you did pick are you ready yeah ready we're ready yes we're ready because have i got something for you a brand new electric skillet an electric skillet it's from frye quick it not only fries it boils it bakes it simmers it stinks tea we're not finished with you yet you need something to go in that skillet a car we bought a car no a lifetime supply of soup rose what was your first impression of me i thought you wore too much makeup and were a [Applause] i was wrong you don't wear too much mate i can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role you've gotten it the past five years in a row well they hired a new director this year and he has no taste blanche used to sleep with the old one the new director's gay gay theater director do you ever hear such a thing look it is really coming down what's coming down the liveraci marquee at caesar's palace rain rain rose timer you want some dinner forget dinner listen up everybody i've got something in this old lady purse that's gonna make you scream holla and jump for joy are the batteries included stop taking my ring [Applause] why are you two dressed like that well these are our costumes for the play dorothy we were in the middle of dress rehearsal when they told us all to go home right away there's a hurricane heading for miami you know i think i will take a slice of cake hello um uncle angelo i'd uh like you to meet um uh i'm sister rose [Applause] i'm sister blanche we're here uh collecting a lingerie for needy sexy people i've never been through a hurricane before oh there's nothing to be afraid of i've been through a couple of hurricanes actually they could be kind of fun i remember one when i was married [Applause] married mary when i was married in the christmas pageant over at the convent remember that sister rose oh my yes sister blanche is quite an actress yeah she'd have to be to make anyone believe she was a virgin dorothy i know it's been a while but try and control yourself i need some rest what the hell is that for you're not getting into this bed stan why am i supposed to sleep on the floor like any dog just fine i get it hello hi walter how are you yeah i feel like a caged animal in heat too quantum you know boy keep on talking what am i wearing well to be perfectly honest a nuns outfit oh that sounds good to me uh-huh i'll be over there just as soon as the storm lets up oh you've been able to take care of yourself you don't need me all right what about me you were always strong and independent even before i got here you don't need me what about me you you need the wizard of oz something important we didn't discuss this afternoon and i'd like to get that cleared up before we talk about anything else what is it is it true what they say about black men in bed oh yes definitely [Applause] oh yes definitely that is something i would like to know about too i ask a dumb question better than anyone i know i am exhausted i have spent this entire day bed shopping have you no shame that happening nowadays is sexually irresponsible it's true sofia i need a new bed my old one is falling apart call the store and return it oh i can't do that i've had it over three weeks they won't take it back how much where can you give a bet in just three weeks i see your point what do you think i should do come on now blanche you know the difference between right and wrong please and that she only knows the difference between right and left what's wrong i have a problem i'll say you should never have stopped using that depilatory [Laughter] what's the most romantic thing a man ever did for you dorothy oh well the most romantic things when stan proposed he took me to a very expensive restaurant and i went to the powder room and when i returned to the table there was an open bottle of dom perignon and two filled glasses and we clinked the glasses in a toast and stan gave me a koi smile and i winked at him and then i just downed the champagne in one goat and it didn't go down smoothly later stan told me that he put my engagement ring in the bottom it turned up three days later where'd it turn up dorothy on the home shopping network morning everybody rose honey i hope you don't mind i barred your golf glove i have a date to play this morning with a man uh no blanche with a venus flytrap of course with a man is it raymond again as a matter of fact yes raymond isn't he the guy you picked up at the grocery store i did not pick him up he asked me if i could recommend a good coffee then i threw myself underneath his shopping cart oh i think he sounds really nice he is he is we've had a wonderful time together these past few weeks you know girls i really like him and i think he likes me just don't ruin it and sleep with him of course not ma i only do that with men i plan to scar psychologically okay girls which goes better the silver chain or the pearls the chain and amateur's mistake can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck [Applause] well that may be but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom yes but the chain leads the eye even lower to that huge spare tire jutting out over those square manly hips why don't i just wear a sign that says too ugly to live fine but what are you gonna hang it from the chain of the pearl neither i'm gonna spray spray-paint it on my hump sonia klingenhofer is a comic strip and a darn good one too well good night both of you come back here or i'll be forced to follow you to your room and act it out with sock puppets [Laughter] okay you were saying in the first panel it says sonia klingenhofer in big letters and the o has pigtails what's in the second panel rose sonia's walking down this country road and there's this group of children laughing at her and in the bubble coming out of her mouth it says it's not funny you try getting white bread and mayonnaise out of your braces and then in the third panel rows how many panels are there sixteen and then in the next one could you just tell us the gist of the story oh fine but then you'd miss the joke between the two crows on the telephone wire the gist of the story rose well in the last panel sonia tells her mother and her mother understands [Laughter] if my foot wasn't asleep i wouldn't ask this what exactly was it sonja told her mama the joke between the two crows i knew you'd beg to hear it but get out get out oh are you all right honey wonderful wonderful i always wanted to have a nose like joe frazier ma how long were you listening at the door i wasn't listening at the door oh then why was your face pressed against the crack that's what the crow said get out hi ma what the hell are you doing home i thought you had a four o'clock beauty parlor appointment i did they finished with me early on christy brinkley they can finish early you need every minute they can spend get back there do you think blanche has been picking on me lately i haven't noticed hi blanche must you always be so cheerful you empty-headed mary poppins knockoff [Laughter] let me know if you notice anything listen to this dear diary i don't know how much longer i can stand living with these two pigs [Applause] at first moving in with them seemed like a good way to save money but it's just getting out of hand if one isn't keeping me awake all night with her squealing the other one is belching in my face you do that sometimes dorothy after you've had a denver omelet sophia i'm not in wait for the beep then leave a message b hi this is rose well shut up and get in here [Applause] i see you're with two double-crossing ex-friends of mine i'll come back later what do you think this is the 7-eleven i'm not open all night rose we feel terrible about what we've done what have you done we're really very sorry sorry about what sorry isn't good enough how can i ever trust you again trust who please rose let's not talk about trust after the terrible things you wrote will someone please tell me what the hell you're talking about blanche and i read rose's diary and she wrote some terrible things about us in there about you i didn't write anything about you i didn't even know you when i kept that diary what are you talking about that was my 4-h diary i kept it one summer when i raised two pigs for the county fair [Applause] i just don't care i am so fed up with all of these people i'm just ready to give up dorothy you can't give up you're no quitter why just think of the many times you have been dumped by a man did you quit dating no ma'am you sank even lower scraping the bottom of the barrel facing certain humiliation and why okay thanks blanche i get the point no i mean it dorthy why he says he'll do it for nothing he likes getting away from the center he also likes working and most of all he likes being in the company of pretty young girls oh how can wow refuse it's a deal good here's a list of the pretty young girls he wants you to get from him dorothy you'll hold the window in place rosa martelly rose will do the hammering evelyn should do adidas blanche'll do the screwing and he came up with that one on his own i swear what in hell are you doing it is 2 a.m well i couldn't sleep so i decided to get up and make a batch of spare pivot crispies it's an ancient scandinavian midnight snack i guess after a night of pillaging and raping a viking wants a little something to go with his cocoa well the smell god awful yeah just when you're about ready to throw up from the stench that's when they're done who wants some rose if these had been offered to the donner party they still would have eaten each other don't be silly dorothy they're delicious you just have to know how to eat them you hold your nose with one hand and you pop a crispy in your mouth with the other it tastes like cheesecake fresh strawberries and chocolate ice cream my gosh you're right that is the best thing i have ever tasted oh this is delicious [Laughter] hey give me a break you can't smell that from the hole don't know what to do well i know what i'd say if a man asked me to sail around the world please you can't get anybody ask you out for a cup of coffee sail around the world that'll be the day in fact there's a line waiting around the block we'll have to install one of those ticket machines like they have at the bakery around the world yeah [Applause] oh my girls welcome you must be so excited i sure am listen grab some champagne okay i want to find out i haven't seen him since i came on board i want to say thanks oh i love champagne oh me too the only problem is after a few glasses i'll kiss any man in sight [Laughter] that was just a coincidence darthy as long as we're resting glad we might as well take measurements okay do me first one thing i know for sure i have not lost my hourglass figure but it looks like somebody poured about 90 minutes of extra sand in the ground you're just jealous of me dorothy you know it i know it and rose knows it don't you rose it's neat the way the tape's a different color at this end i haven't had this much off the spool since i measured the couch for slip covers how much longer do i have to have this hot towel on my face now just be patient rose when i tell you to remove this towel you are gonna see what a dramatic difference blanche's miracle beauty treatment is made already honey you will be transformed into a totally new woman okay you ready all right one two three oh my god i look horrible oh don't need you

Channel: A.S.

Views: 216,465

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Id: iP3tqVce6Rc

Length: 56min 38sec (3398 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 03 2021