- Dorothy, do you have
the airline tickets? - Yes, Rose.
- And the passports? - Yes, Rose.
- Did you remember to bring Pepto Bismal?
- Yes, Rose. - Dramamine?
- Yes, Rose. - And chewing gum in case
we have to pop our ears? - Yes, Rose.
(audience laughs) - And did you call a cab
to take us to the airport? - No, Rose. I called two cabs, one for
Blanche and me and one for you, 'cause you're makin' me crazy
with all your questions! (gentle music) - Well, this is dandy, just dandy! I knew I should never let
you to talk me into coming to this God forsaken place. - Oh, come off it, Blanche! We all agreed that this
was where we wanted to spend our vacation. - All I wanted was a tan on my thighs. Now, I'll probably end up a
prisoner of the revolution. They'll rip my blouse and
make me cook for the officers. Spit food in my face and
make fun of my recipes. And eventually I'll catch
the eye of some fat general with big sweat stains under his arms. - I don't know what you
two are complainin' about. I'm the one who's gonna
suffer the most from this. With no air conditionin', I'll
get all wilted and sweaty. No man'll even talk to
me and, even if one does, how am I gonna get a
date without a telephone? - The way you always do: Go
sit in a bar without underwear. (audience laughs) (door thuds) - Ladies! How are you? I'm Jacques De Courville,
manager of Wrestling Palms and reigning island limbo king. - Please come in, come in.
- All right, I'm in. So, talk to me. Ladies,
what's the problem here? - Well, to begin with Mr. De Courville, in here it says that every
room in the hotel has an ocean view. Now where is ours? - Yes, well, (chuckles) come here. Get up. Here, over here!
(audience laughs) (knocking) Stick your head out the window. And you look to the extreme
left, and what do you see? - Two guys beating up an old lady! (audience laughs) - Beyond that! - The ocean?
- Ta-da! I rest my case. - Now, wait, wait. You
call that an ocean view? You have to be a contortionist to see. - Hey, it doesn't say great ocean view! - Now look, these accommodations
are simply unacceptable. Now, we want the room
described in the brochure or we will take our business elsewhere. - Okay, have it your away.
But, don't expect a refund! - We just checked in. We
haven't paid for this room. - Uh, y, yes we have. I'm sorry but my travel
agent said it would be easier if we prepaid everything. - Believe me, it is. - What do we do now? - We have no choice. We have to stay. - Oh, goodie! Now, look, ladies, you need
anything, anytime, day or night, you call me. - Well, we can't! The phone is dead. - Well, there's plenty of
stationary in the bureau drawer. Write me!
(door slams) - I'm starting to root for the revolution. - Well, we're here now. Come on. Let's make the best of it! - Yeah, maybe this room
isn't a total loss. Look here: A vibratin' bed.
Come on, let's give it a try! - Oh, Blanche!
- Oh, oh, come on! Come on!
- Come on! It'll be fun!
- Sure. - All right, you ready? - Yeah!
- Okay. (box buzzes) (audience laughs) (Blanche taps box) (door thuds) (man sings loudly in foreign language) (gentle music) - I'm so proud of you, Dorothy. You're just doing beautifully. Nobody would dream you
have a fear of flyin', unless they happen to glance
at the bruises on my forearm. (audience laughs) You think maybe you could
hold onto something else for a while, honey? - Oh, of course, honey. I'm sorry. - Oh!
(audience laughs) - Meant, like, the armrest. - Look, girls! I found
this big bolt in the aisle. Where do you think it goes? - With me, off this plane! (air whooshes) What was that? - Oh, that was them shuttin' the door. - They shut the door? - Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen. My name is Candy. I'll be your flight hostess.
(audience laughs) Please review the information
cards in your seat pockets for the safety information
in the unlikely event of a mishap during our flight. - Mishap, what, what does she mean? What does mean by mishap? - She means like bad movies or cold food or running out of ice. - Running outta gas.
- Oh my God! (audience laughs)
God! - Will you just calm down?
Here, drink some champagne. - I don't like champagne. - Go ahead. It might relax you. - Oh. (audience laughs) - Didn't make me relaxed,
just makes me want burp. Probably burp and the, the
pressure in the cabin'll change and we'll fly into a mountain. (audience laughs) - That would be a good
example of a mishap. - Rose, do me a favor. Fasten your seatbelt, over your mouth! - Rose, why don't we use
our time constructively and work on your eulogy. Now, what are you planning to say, honey? - I don't know. I'll probably start out talking about Aunt Gretchen, the person. She was always a very rigid person. - Especially now!
(audience laughs) I'm sorry, Rose. I guess that maybe that
champagne did relax me. (Dorothy laughs) - Oh, my God! Oh my God! Girls, oh my God! Look! - What, Blanche, what?
- Look, look, look! All the men on this
plane, they're all bald! (audience laughs) - It's all right, Blanche. The captain just turned
off the no bald men sign. (Blanche and Rose laugh)
(audience laughs) - I am talking about my recurrent dream. Remember, I'm trapped in an
enclosed space full of bald men? Well, I didn't tell you the rest of it. All those bald men and I are on a plane and we fly into the ocean! - Oh, come on now! Blanche, you're behaving
just as crazy as we are. It's just a coincidence. - Ladies and gentlemen, be sure your seat belts
are securely fastened in preparation for the take-off And, if anyone found a big
bolt, please return it to me. It came off the beverage cart. Yes, that's it, the beverage cart. (audience laughs) - Dorothy, it is not a coincidence. It is my nightmare and it's comin' true. - Don't be silly, Blanche.
Not all of it's coming true! You haven't heard the voice of God. - That's right, Blanche. - [Captain] Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Lord speaking. (Blanche gasps)
(upbeat music) - Dorothy?
- We made a rule: no talking. It shakes the plane.
(audience laughs) - I just have to say one thing. If Blanche is right and we
are gonna die this afternoon, I'm glad we're together. - Yes, that's very
comforting. Now shut up. (audience laughs) - I know what you mean, Rose. - I wish we had more time together. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are we doing? The flight
has been perfectly smooth. There hasn't been a, a hint of turbulence. - [Captain] This is Captain Lord again. Looks like we're running
right into the eye of a big tropical storm. - I'm a dead woman.
(audience laughs) - Unfortunately, that
means we're going to have to turn around and return to Miami. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. - Did you hear that girls? We're saved! - What do you mean? I mean
that part wasn't in my dream. That means the dream's broken.
We're going back to Miami! We're gonna be all right! (gentle music) - [Captain #2] Ladies and gentlemen, the Fasten Your Seatbelt sign is now off. If anyone knows how to fix it, please report to the flight attendant. (audience laughs) - I don't get it. Why did we get off that lovely
jet liner in Minneapolis and switch to this rickety old thing? - Because the jets are too
big to land at St. Gustav. - St. Gustav? I thought we
were flying to St. Olaf. - Well, St. Olaf doesn't have an airport. The only way you can get to St.
Olaf is to fly to St. Gustav and then take land
transportation to St. Olaf. Even the birds do it that
way when they migrate. - I don't believe this! - Could be worse. We could
be going to Beaver Falls. - Beaver Falls? That's my stop. (bell rings)
(audience laughs) (air whooshes)
(audience applauds) (audience laughs) - I just can't believe we're
on our way to St. Olaf. Oh, I'm so excited! You
girls are gonna love it! But, I guess everybody thinks his hometown is pretty special. - I know I do. I'll never forget when I went
back after many, many years. Everything was just as I remembered it: Garbage in the street,
prostitutes in the doorways, coupla guys hangin' from their
heels of the town square. No, I can't go on. Got a handkerchief? (audience laughs) - Honey, why you gettin' all teary? Sicily sounds just awful. - That wasn't Sicily. That was my first apartment in Brooklyn! (audience laughs) - Well, I'll tell you the best part of this whole thing is sharing
the most important moment of your life with your best friends. - Oh, we're just happy to be with you when you get your little plaque. - Oh, Blanche. It's more than a plaque. In St. Olaf, it's the highest honor. We all think of it as, as a reminder that no
matter how bad things may be in the rest of the world, St. Olaf is still a place that's filled with honest people leading honest lives. - Well, we're just really
proud of you, Rose. - And I'm sure rose that
there is nobody who deserves that award more than you do. - [Captain #2] This is
the captain speaking. We are about to begin our
descent to St. Gustav airport. At least, I think it's the airport. (audience laughs) - Wow! In 20 minutes,
we'll be in St. Gustav! Then, we'll hop on a
train for Zombro Falls and we'll grab the shuttle! By my estimation, we should be Saint Olaf
in a couple of days. - Days?
- Days? (audience laughs)
(gentle music) - I can't believe this is
the shuttle for St. Olaf. (audience laughs) How you doing up there, ma? - Fine!
- Sophia, why don't you wanna sit
back here with us, honey? - Because after three days
on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better! - Thank you.
(audience laughs) - Look at that beautiful sky. That's one of the most wonderful
things about being here. - It is beautiful.
- It is so clear. It looks like you could just
reach up and touch those stars. - I can't tell you how many people in St. Olaf have fallen
off their roofs trying. (audience laughs) - Rose, are we anywhere near St. Olaf? - We're getting close. Look,
there's the old tree house. Oh, gee! When I was a kid, my best friend, Ingrid, and I used to go up there all the time. Oh, gosh. I miss her. I haven't talked her in ages. - Why don't you give her a call? - Well, maybe I will.
- Sure. - Hey Ingrid! - [Ingrid] Is that you, Rose? (audience laughs) How are you? - Fine, Ingrid! How are you? - [Ingrid] Oh, fine! It
was nice talkin' to ya! (audience laughs)
Bye, Rose! - Bye, Ingrid!
(audience laughs) Oh, thank you. Blanche!
That was a great idea! - It's great bringing two
idiots closer together. (audience laughs) - I think that's the motto of the Saint Olaf telephone company. (audience laughs) - What's this? Huh, 1920? Well, Sophia, you wrote this. Things I want to accomplish before I die. - The list, the list! You found my list! Oh,
Blanche, read it to me. Those were my dreams, my goals. - Number one: Lose 200 pounds.
(audience laughs) - Done it!
(audience laughs) - Number two: Never be burdened
with children in old age. - Moving on.
(audience laughs) - Three: Make amends with Guido Spirelli. Who's Guido Spirelli? - Guido Spirelli was my
first husband in Sicily. It was an arranged
marriage I had annulled. I left him a broken man and I vowed one day I would make amends. - You know, Sophia, finding
this list was a sign. You must make things right with that man. Now, go to your room and
write him a long letter. Make your words thorough,
honey. Make them fearless. Don't stop till you have said everything. Take two or three days if you have to. - Thank you, Blanche.
You're a good friend. (gentle music) Hey, Mr. Ocupado, what
are you doing in there, painting the Sistine Chapel?
(audience laughs) (gentle music continues) (audience laughs) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pit
stop, pit stop, whoa! (gentle music continues) - Guido, Guido Spirelli? It's me, Sophia. I've come a long way to speak to you. Many years ago, I wronged you. I broke your heart and, because of that, I've been suffering all these years. I just want you to know how sorry I am. From the bottom of my
heart, Guido, I apologize. I apologize for ruining your life. - Ah, forget about it.
(audience laughs) (gentle music) (train horn honks) (upbeat music) - I can't believe that stupid
airline lost our luggage. What are we gonna do? - Ask Blanche. She's the expert when it comes to checking into hotels without luggage. (audience laughs) - I can't believe somebody stole my bags. - Oh, honey. Don't worry about it. With all the money we're gonna win, you'll be able to replace those
bags and everything in 'em. - Yeah. What about my bags?
- Relax. With your share, you can have
your bags surgically removed. (audience laughs) - Come on. Let's get to our
rooms and get some sleep. - Good idea. - Good morning! My name is Nancy! How may I help you? - We have two double rooms
reserved under the name Zbornak. - I'm afraid I just gave
those two rooms away. - But we had a reservation. - Until 3:00 AM. You're late. Therefore, the reservation
is null and void. I'm sorry. That's company policy. - Oh, yeah? Well I'm from Sicily. You know what our company policy is? First, I break your knees. - Ma, ma.
(audience laughs) Look, forget about the reservation. Just give us two double rooms. - I'm afraid we're all booked up. - First you give away our rooms and now you're telling
us you're booked up. - That's correct, Madam. - It is? Hey, I'm pretty sharp
for three in the morning. - Here, let me handle this. Nancy, honey, now I don't generally like to throw my name around, but
you really leave me no choice. It so happens that I am
Miss Angie Dickinson. (audience laughs) And, now, if you don't mind,
I would like two rooms. - You don't look like
Angie Dickinson to me. - I know. I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role. - Yeah, it's about a
woman who eats her way from behind the iron curtain.
(audience laughs) - I think we just better
go to another hotel. - I'm afraid that would be
an exercise in futility. There's not a vacant room in a city. - Girls, this is terrible. We're gonna be on national
television in seven hours. We don't have any clothes and now we don't have a place to sleep. - Look, I sympathize with your problem. For $75, you can sleep in the lobby and I won't have you
arrested for loitering. - $75? That's a lot of money. - I know, ma'am. That's why I want it. (audience laughs) - Oh. - Gee, this is just great. I mean, everything this whole night has been nothing but fun.
(audience laughs) - You really need to get out more, Rose. (audience laughs) - Come on, Dorothy.
Admit you're having fun. It's kinda like being on an adventure! - An adventure? My foot! It's more like a nightmare! We're gonna go on national
television in clothes we slept in all night! - We'll look like hell.
We'll be exhausted. We won't be able to answer any questions. - Would you stop complaining?
We've got it easy. Back in Sicily, I was on a
game show. It was "Torture." - What was it called, Sophia. - I just told you: "Torture."
(audience laughs) Mussolini asked the questions and you better have the right answers. (audience laughs) Things like, "Who do you
like better: Me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest
boots: Me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter
girlfriend: Me or Hitler?" And you always had an answer: "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you
to play the lightning round. They used real lightning!
(audience laughs) - Oh, come on, ma. You're making this up. - Like hell I did! Goodson-Todman brought
it to the United States, changed a few of the rules,
and called it "Tattletales." (audience laughs) Now, count your blessings
and gotta sleep. Goodnight! - Oh, beautiful Mother Earth! Land! Oh God!
- How long were we out there? - At least two rosaries. - We're lucky to be alive. - And you! You miserable low
down piece of Yankee slime! - Blanche, I sense some
hostility towards me. - How'd you like to sense
a coconut upside your head? - Blanche, get ahold of yourself! - I don't wanna get ahold of myself! They invite us to go out on a boat and they sail us right out
in the middle of a storm? We end up shipwrecked on
this godforsaken island! - Hey, so we made a few
mistakes, huh? Nobody's perfect. - Yeah, what's the big deal? - What's the big deal? You
almost killed us, you nitwits! I hate you! I curse the day
I ever laid eyes on you! I curse the day your mama
ever laid eyes on your daddy! I curse the day your daddy
ever laid down with your mama! (audience laughs) - You ladies should be grateful! It was our superior sailing
skill that saved your lives. - Hanging onto the mast and screaming, "Please God take the old
ladies, but don't hurt us?" (audience laughs) That does not qualify as skill. - Look, ladies, we've taken all the guff we're gonna take off of you. - No, you're gonna take all the guff I got and you're gonna like it! - Oh, no!
- Maybe I will like it! - All right, everybody!
Now shut the hell up! I'm in charge here! From now
on, everyone listens to me! - Why should we listen to you? - Because I happen to be the
most decorated Pioneer Scout in the history of Northern Minnesota! (audience laughs) I can build a hundred foot rope bridge, start a fire with rocks, distill sea water into drinking water. Now, if you wanna get out of this alive, I suggest you listen to me. Do I hear any objections? I didn't think so.
(audience laughs) Dorothy, Blanche, start
breaking up the boat. We need wood for a fire. And you three, head up
north, up that ridge. Based on those rock formations, there's a good chance
of finding a waterfall. If you don't find anything in an hour, head back for the
coastline, follow it around, and look for our fire. Now move! I said move! (audience laughs) - Dorothy, should we be listening to Rose? - Quiet. I don't think we're
allowed to talk while we work. (audience laughs)
(gentle music) - How long they been gone? - Over four hours. - You don't think
anything happened to them? - Oh no. I think they
probably just stopped to rest. - Yeah, or maybe they're
looking for somethin' to carry the water back in. - Maybe they were clawed to
death by blood thirsty animals. (audience laughs) Unfortunately, water isn't
all that can be around that rock formation. - You're kidding? - A Pioneer Scout always tells the truth. (audience laughs) So, I'm gonna be even more honest. Our big worry is nobody
knows we're missing, so nobody's out looking for us. The odds are pretty decent
that we're all gonna die. - Oh, Rose! Come on now. You're just tired and thirsty. - Yeah. We're all tired and thirsty. - Let's not wait for
the boys to come back. Rose, why don't you
whip us up a nice batch of fresh water you know
how to make from sea water. - About the sea water- - You don't know how to do it? - Oh, no. I know how to do it. - Thank goodness! - There's just one little problem. I need a 10 gallon copper pot, seven feet of aluminum tubing, and a big roll of cheese cloth. (audience laughs) - Why didn't you mention this while you were bossin' everybody
around, Miss Pioneer Dope? (audience laughs) - Things were going so well and everybody was paying
such close attention. I just kind of got
caught up in the moment, but it's lonely at the top. I don't wanna be leader
anymore. I nominate Dorothy. Dorothy, you're leader.
What are you gonna do? - My first official act is to
banish you from my kingdom. (audience laughs) Oh, honey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know you meant well. - I'm not crying about the comment. I'm crying because we're all gonna die and I still have so
many things to tell you. - Like what? - Like, once I read your diary. - You what? - Well, it was an accident. You left it open on the
kitchen table and, I, I was 20 pages in before I realized it wasn't a Sidney Sheldon novel. (audience laughs) - Rose Nylund, I want you
outta my house this instant! - Blanche.
- Hmm? Oh, well, Rose Nylund, I'm never gonna speak to
you again as long as I live! - And, since we have no water, that means about another 48 hours. - Well, since we're gonna die anyway, I might as well be honest too. Rose, I slept with your
cross-eyed cousin Nolan when he visited us from Ohio.
(audience laughs) He was lousy in bed. - I knew about that at a long time ago. Nolan told me and he said you
were the one that was lousy. (audience laughs) - Take that back! - Won't.
- Will! - Won't!
- Will! - Oh, come on! Girls, girls, now let's
examine our priorities. We have no food, water or shelter. Besides, I also slept with
Nolan on that fateful trip. And, as your leader, I must agree that the fault
indeed lies with Nolan. (audience laughs) - Well, since we're being honest, Dorothy, I have a question for you. You're supposed to be my best friend. Best friends are supposed
to be able to confide in one another, so I wanna
know why I overheard you on the telephone tellin' Anita Rubaker that I had my tubes tied. - I said you bought a tube top. When did you have your tubes tied? - I didn't! If I had, it would've been about the same
time you had your nose done. - I never had my nose done! Rose is the one who had her
nose done. Oops, sorry Rose. (audience laughs) - I don't believe you two
kept that secret from me. Rose, why didn't you tell me? - Well, you're always so critical about those kinds of things. - I am not! - I'm sorry.
- How much did it cost you? - $700.
- Oh, you were gypped. (audience laughs) - You see, you see! That's exactly why Rose
didn't wanna tell you. You are overly critical. You know, I think that's the
thing I like least about you. - Oh, you know the thing
I like least about you? You are loud and overbearin'! - Well, you know what I like
least about both of you? You're always telling me what to do. - Oh, shut up, Rose!
- Oh, shut up, Rose! (audience laughs) - Oh, will somebody say
I'm sorry before I burst. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Sorry. - No, I'm sorry and, if I have to die, I'm just glad I'm doing it
with my two best friends. - Oh, I love you, Blanche. - Oh, I love you, Rose. - I love both of you. - Oh, I'm just so full in
love, I have to let it out! ♪ I'd like to teach the world
to sing in perfect harmony ♪ ♪ Id like to- ♪ ♪ We'd like to hold it in our
arms and keep it company ♪ - Hey-ya!
- Hey! - Ladies, how about a Mai Tai? - Oh, where have you been? - You remember when Rose said
there might be a waterfall on that rock formation?
- Mm-hmm. - You were right. There is a water fall and
it empties into a pool in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency! - We never left the island. We just got shipwrecked on the good side. - Our new hotels are half a
mile in this direction. Come on. We reserved you a room. - Okay!
- Rick, put out the fire. - Oh, ladies, listen. As long as you're not gonna die after all, I suggest everything we
said not go any further than the three of us. - Well, back in the Scouts, we used to make it official
by pricking our fingers with a pin knife and taking a blood oath. What do you say, girls? - Oh, shut up, Rose.
- Shut up, Rose. (audience laughs) - See, I'm glad
everything's back to normal! ♪ I'd like to teach the world
to sing in perfect harmony ♪ (audience applauds)
♪ I want the world- ♪
