The 3 Secrets of Marriage - Dr. K. N. Jacob

hi guys and thank you for coming with your husband your wife in a short while you will know the secrets of a happy marriage you know when i was growing up i had many marriage counselors tell women to persevere through marriage why should you persevere through which you are meant to enjoy why survive that which was designed for enjoyment for who for what you're surviving for who persevering for who for what i want to invite you today to marriage that drives where you can enjoy your marriage where you stay in that marriage for you not for your children not for your husband marriage was the same for you to enjoy and tonight i'll share with you three secrets of a happy marriage this is premised on my personal experience as a speaker in marriage forums in many nations virtually every continent and i'll also share from my personal experience being married to my wife mercy for the last 18 years so look at your husband look at your wife and tell them today you're going to learn the secrets of a happy marriage yeah yeah tell them just tell them all right the secrets of marriage number one leadership leadership at the leadership i want to say three things one leadership three things in marriage leadership number one the back must stop somewhere and i want to tell you this in my marriage with my wife mercy their back stops with me mercy is not responsible for the health of my marriage it's my marriage my i am saying my i call her my mercy those who follow me online on social media they know they have heard me say over and over again my mercy my marriage the box tops with me i am not 99 responsible i am not 50 responsible i am a hundred percent responsible for my marriage no marriage will ever ever drive until every husband takes a hundred percent responsibility here is the deal if a country misses it is the president the head of state whatever title they use in that country whether it's the prime minister or the king but the box tops with the supreme leader in that country so if the economy is doing well he gets the credit if it collapses he is responsible for corruption not the citizens he is she is if a local church fails the senior pastor has failed if a company has failed the ceo or the president whoever is the top in the h alone has failed they can't take credit for great performance and not responsibility when the company goes to the dogs if the husband therefore is the head of the family he takes credit when the marriage drives he must take liability and full responsibility in the marriage affairs i'm telling you today i have said it the last 18 18 years of my marriage and graciously my mercy is here with me in this conference i am responsible in my marriage the bach stops with me the number one reason marriages collapse is when the back stops nowhere when the box stops nowhere the box stops in blind games it's my mother-in-law it's my wife it's my sister's she earns more either the box tops with someone an individual or their back stops nowhere and your marriage goes south besock bananas jesus said i will build my church i am responsible for my church and the gates of hate shall never prevent against the church matthew 16 18 no part of hell no one is responsible for the health of my church i will build my church not the apostle peter not the apostle paul i can't blame the devil or the quality of the members of the church i am responsible for my church and he is challenging every husband to follow suit husbands paul says in ephesians 5 25 love your wives as christ loved his wife the church ecclesia the wife of christ is not perfect but christ loves her anyhow he takes full responsibility for the health of his bride the church and that's the challenge is giving every husband love your wives as christ loved his imperfect right the church the back stops with christ for the church the box tops with you for your marriage either the box tops with you or your marriage will collapse or you survive through eight for the sake of impressing the society or raising children together the thing is this the bug must stop somewhere leadership means three things in marriage one the box tops with the husband he is the leader he can't take credit when the marriage is working and blame the wife when the marriage goes to the dogs that's why i get very shocked when i hear a husband has filed for divorce i understand when women file for divorce they are protesting against the leadership of the man when a man files for divorce you are protesting against yourself you are saying at admitting i have failed in my marriage i'm a failure marriage matters i am waving the white flag of sereda i have been unable to run my marriage if a ceo resigns from a company he has failed to offer leadership to take the pressure of a company of running a company leadership means number two take initiative take initiative when you're going to buy a house take initiative in the bed take initiative when you're buying a car where to take your children to school don't wait to be prompted you must take initiative in providing to your family you are the sole bread winner if she makes a contribution thanks be to god take initiative scripture says if you can't provide your family you're worse than an infidel first timothy 5 8 and you have denied the faith a bank robber who steals robs the bank on gun point and brings the money home is better than you he's bad yes he's an infidel the bible says you're worse than an infidel yes a man can lose his job the business can go other but you can't afford to keep complaining you can't afford to give up you are the hope of your family the hope of your marriage you are meant to inspire hope as a leader it is your sole responsibility to inspire hope in your marriage in your family leadership means number three influence you are the role model to your wife and to your children you are the letter your wife reads you are the script by which your family runs the most effective way of inspiring others is bringing out the best out of your own life your wife looks up to you to know by what moral standard she should leave you are the moral code of that marriage so if you're sex texting other girls you're telling your wife it's okay to flat with other men you're telling your daughter if you're committing adultery begin to sleep with boys now fathers if you don't want your daughters to commit adultery stop committing adultery don't tell your son how to treat his wife show him by how you treat his mother the best way to illustrate your love for your wife is how you treat her the best gift you can give your son is to love his mother so you're the role model in that family you're the one to show the standards by which your marriage works so leadership means the box stops with a man number two the man takes initiatives for all family projects he doesn't wait to be prompted even before you get married you should know this don't wait for your girlfriend to ask you when are we getting married and if you're married and you have not solemnized your marriage take initiative don't wait for your wife to prompt you you're failing in leadership and number three you influence your marriage the direction your marriage takes in my marriage and in my family i read prayers every day we read a chapter of the bible daily we pray daily i am the family priest i understand they look up to me to know by what moral standards they should embrace there has been a long debate about love and respect and i know you know it more than i do if she doesn't feel loved she doesn't respect the man if he does not feel respected he does not love her so the argument goes this is a psycho a love respect psycho if you respect your husband he loves you if you love your wife she respects you i beg to differ i don't think it's a psycho because we can't put love and respect at power love precedes respect love is greater than respect love is god first john 4 8 it has to start with love the role of the man and the woman will naturally submit when i began teaching this way back in 2003 i received a lot of animosity strange enough even from women you see when you live in the dark for so long and someone switches the light the eyes heart but i thank god have persisted over the years i have seen pastors warm up to it marriage counselors are now warming up to this concept men and women are warming up to this concept they think i'm teaching you stuff there is nothing new i am teaching i'm calling you back to the original when you love your wife she will naturally submit submission is a natural response to your love listen guys she does not submit to you she submits to your love and love is not just spoken love is demonstrated none of the two is greater actions and words they we need both listen your thoughts don't bless your wife she needs to hear from you i love you not when the lights go out but during the day set that text take her out every single week catch up over a glass of wine or glass of coffee or cup of coffee catch up the two of you that's what i'm talking about tonight but again your actions are not enough you need to say it with your mouth saying it is not enough you need to demonstrate it for god so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son god shows his love by demonstrating christ died on the cross for us but he says over and over and over again i love you with an everlasting love i love you with an everlasting love here is the deal you have to express love through your actions and through your words and she will naturally submit to your love some needs to you if your marriage right now is antagonistic if you experience seeing animosity you can bear the seed you have been sowing you saw the right seed it comes back to you good measure press down shaken together and running over whatever seed as a man you plant in your marriage it will germinate in due course and produce a harvest if you're experiencing bitterness from your wife you can bet what seed you have been sowing all day long when i talk like this sometimes i hear guys tell me what about her all what do you mean her wrong i'm discussing your own she will reciprocate by giving you back what you have been investing in her here is the deal women are extremely strong in their support role if you offer leadership they have no problem following they stop following when they realize you can't even lead yourself you drink yourself silly you stopped walking you're watching tv the whole day seated on the couch watching pornography watching unnecessary documentaries action movies the whole night you are mama's boy you've lost your might the moment you fail in personal leadership you can't lead others you can't take others where you have never been first take the work and then invite her to take the walk with you and she will reciprocate some men told me when i married her she was nice but now she changed then you're saying you changed her you are accusing yourself of sowing seeds of bitterness are you even reasoning properly are you listening to yourself that she was good when i married her and she changed are you listening to yourself you changed that god bless you that great woman but you terrorized her you intimidated her you planted fear and now you are getting it back in bitterness because she's fighting for survival and if she was bad from the word go then that's your stupid choice live with it your woman your choice this world has 3.5 billion women over 3.5 billion women when you are making that choice you chose her your woman your choice your marriage your choice you choose the marriage you live in that's the idea and i challenge you tonight remember your first encounter remember the first night you made a move and proposed to her remember the feelings travel back the hands of time go down memory lane and remember what brought you together and begin to nurture that which you saw on that lady on your first encounter because if there is no leadership there is no marriage the first secret of a happy marriage is leadership it is the secret of a healthy nation it is the secret of a prosperous country the secret of a successful company the secret of a successful church the secret of any successful institution leadership and the back stops with the leader secret number two s e x sex secret number two sex maybe before i talk about sex i actually wrote a book 66 questions people ask me actually this book is a compilation of the most frequently asked sex questions people write to me emails from all over the world and i compiled the most frequently asked questions you might want to secure your copy from amazon i have written so many books i will mention one more you can grab a copy and gift another couple if you really want to know my philosophy of life what i teach about success about marriage about money about self-control choices i mean i think in my personal opinion as that now the greatest book i've ever written is dubbed letters of life and this book is available in amazon you can get yourself a copy you will thank me later so these books are available let's talk about sex and many times i have had couples during q and a ask me a question about quality sex listen i'm discussing quantity not quality how often you are intimate how many times in a week you get intimate whenever couples write to me and somebody tells me about chaos they're having their marriage whether they are blaming their mother in law whether they are blaming the husband is not working whether they are blaming alcohol whether they are blaming in-laws interference whatever the case may be every marriage that is full of conflicts i asked them a question how often do you have sex in a week they told me doc ah no what in a week once a month or twice every four months i can tell the health of any marriage through my personal engagement with couples all over the world i can tell the help of any marriage by how many times a week they engage in sex you cannot have sex six and seven days a week and end up fighting and the logic is simple when you know you need your wife at night for sex or during the day you try to prepare her for the night you try to send a nice text to touch her hair her bum bum her baths you touch her fingers you engage her nicely she engages you nicely because you're looking forward to the next intimate moment because it's common sense when there is bitterness where there is no good and conducive atmosphere you can't be intimate so i want to assure you from my personal experience there is a direct correlation between frequency of sexual intimacy with the health of any marriage this whole story about quantity is an excuse for people who are not intimate every caring couple their wife adds up climaxing and the man ate up climaxing all the other holy wood movies it's rubbish forget that discussion hey look at your husband look at your wife and tell them i need it more times now we needed that three six times a week come on boy stop being lazy come on come on yeah i needed more i need more sex yeah i mean it and i want you to understand from a biblical perspective sex in marriage is a duty it's not a choice it's not when you feel like it's not when you're in the mood i will give you the rule of the them from scriptures let me give you the rule and then i read for you the scriptures this is the rule of thumb in marriage sex in marriage when either once when either is ready not when both of you are in the mood not when both of you are ready not when both of you are prepared if any of you is ready both of you must get into sexual intimacy you don't have a choice it's a duty you don't have a choice let me show you from scriptures i wanna read first corinthians seven first corinthians chapter seven verse three to five listen verse 3 to 5 the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife it's a marital duty not privileged and likewise the wife to her husband controlling your husband is witchcraft any form of sexual control is witchcraft controlling your wife manipulating your sexually is witchcraft hey asking are you rich i don't need a witch come on verse 4 the wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband surrenders her body to her husband in the same way the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields hate to his wife yield when i'm driving and i see the yield sign i know i have to yield to the guy on the main road i have no choice to yield this to submit do not verse five do not deprive each other except perhaps except perhaps perhaps by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourself to prayer then come together again so that satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control the apostle paul tells a church that was struggling with morals there is only one reason when you cannot engage in sex as a couple only one ground mutual consent and there must be a defined time that on sunday we are not going to have sex let's devote ourselves to prayer after that you come back together and begin to have intimacy why you can be tempted even after prayer and fasting you can be tempted and look at another woman lustfully or for women look at another man lustfully so you need to come back together so the only time you can't have sex is when there is mutual consent some of you listening to me right here you know you have been hurting each other tearing each other emotionally manipulating each other you sleep facing one side of the bed and the other person one side of the bed you don't even touch each other and you know things are not good you know things are not right in your marriage more than you'd care to admit try sex sex heals that's the scripture so the bible says woman your body does not belong to you even if you have a headache you have no right to say not to sex to your husband zero right even if he's not helping you climax even if he's a drunk even if he comes home late you have zero right to deny him sex your body belongs to him the bible says we must come back to the original teaching of scriptures we are running away from the bible being taught by secular counselors and psychiatrists tearing down our marriages because of following the babylonian system children of god what i'm teaching you tonight is not my personal thought this is the wisdom of god that will set you free sex in marriage is not when both want it's not when both are ready it's when either of you is ready when either of you desire to have sex lest you tempt your husband or your wife to last after another woman to last after another man sex in marriage when either once sex is the central issue in marriage it's not one of the issues it's not a side issue it is the central issue it is the first and primary reason god established marriage genesis 2 18 it is not good for man to be alone god created everything and said it's good it's good it's good this is the first time in scriptures for the bible to say it is not guilt for man to be lonely how come adam was lonely and he was in the perfect will of god the fall of man is in genesis 3 this is genesis 2. adam is walking in the perfect fellowship with god but god is saying there is something adam i cannot fulfill in you i have hidden it in a woman there is an emotional support you can only get from a woman how come adam was lonely and he had all the animals with him giraffes and zebras and elephants and lions adam did not have teddy bears he had the real bears the polar bears the indian bears the brown bears he had all bears there's some loneliness pear to never take away from you there's some loneliness god do not take away from you he is the one who designed you to fellowship with the woman senior bacharach listen to me those who will ever watch this recording if you don't get married you will compromise your own happiness you will start ruining other people sleeping around with other ladies and other people's suspects running away from responsibility you are covered settle down get married stop being moneyless here is the deal the primary reason marriage was created is sex and let me show you another text first corinthians 7 8-9 first corinthians 7 8-9 paul says now to the singles to the unmarried and the widows i say it is good for them to stay admired as i do but if they cannot control themselves they should marry for it is better to marry than to burn with passion it is better to marry than to buy and to use a vibrator and other sex toys it is better to marry than to masturbate it is better to marry than to be somebody's mistress it is better to marry than to burn with passion poor is telling the singles the church at corinthians the church at corinth hey guys if you're single there is no reward in heaven for avoiding sex there is no reward in heaven for celebrating there is no reward for persevering without sex if you are feeling like having sex don't get married he's trying to say this is critical guess what the very first commandment god gave man was sex and and i want to show you from scriptures let's go back to genesis chapter 1 verse 26 when man was mentioned for the very first time in the bible genesis 1 auri 26 27 and 28 this is the first time man is mentioned in the bible then god said let us make man in our image in our likeness so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky over the livestock at all the wild animals and over all the creatures that move along the ground so god created man in his own image in the image of god he created them male and female he created them god blessed them and say it to them be fruitful at increasing number feel the art sometimes we use this text to teach about potential purpose having domain in terms of our productivity our work our callings and that's true but that's a secondary interpretation of the scripture the primary thing god said is be fruitful literally when i come back adam and eve i want to fight babies here so the first command basically was verse 28 this is the first time god commanded man the very first god gave man be fruitful and increasing number have some sex dude when i come back i don't want to fight the two of you adam and eve i wanna fight some boys playing around i wanna fight some girls here playing around and i know it's true because there's a law in theology we call it the law of first mention the first time god said be fruitful and increasing number is genesis 1 22 and god was speaking to animals he was not talking about making ships and planes and building houses and being a doctor or pilot or a teacher or a preacher he was talking about literally animals mate have some children verse 22 god bless them and say be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas and let the birds increase in the earth the same command god gave animals in verse 22 when being fruitful was mentioned for the first time is the same command god gave man in genesis 1 28 so the very first command god gave man was sex i'm trying to emphasize sex is a central issue in marriage you can do business with any other man or woman the only thing you cannot do with anyone else is sex this is the only thing solely preserved for your husband and your wife and that's what you meant on your wedding day when you're exchanging the vows when you say that i do that's what it meant i do you you do me and you don't do anybody else i only do you and you only do me and dude never do anybody else and we just do one another and we need to do one another every day come on it's a doing thing marriages are doing things doing is the central thing no other the main organs for doing he positioned them in the central part of your body because it is the central thing jesus said this is a doing thing there to become one flesh mark 10 7 to 9 mark 10 7-9 jesus said therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and there too shall become one flesh there too shall become one flesh therefore what god has joined together let no man put asunder when you come together the bible says god has joined you he has joined you how does he join you through sex the two become one flesh means one flesh enters another flesh either doing business and when you do one another no one should ever separate you is an act of god he is saying the marriage institution is god's idea when you come together it's no longer about you it's about god trust me try this just change the frequency of sex in your marriage and be intimate you will be amazed by how much emotional healing will take place in that marriage and start preparing each other during the day long before the lights go out at night and don't dim all the lights keep some lights come on you need to see all the geography i have a strong online marriage course it has seven modules sex is only one of the modules i want to encourage you to sit down and do this online marriage course together it's dubbed winning in marriage do one module per week don't try to do everything just do one module per week and do the assignments i have given in every module make sure you do the assignment james says don't just be hearers of the word be doers of the word be doers so take seven weeks as a couple and do this course together i mean i have made the course so affordable any serious person can afford it it's just twenty dollars just twenty dollars it was actually rated by udemy as the best selling marriage course of all times just pick it up do this course together as a couple don't do it alone do it as a couple it's just twenty dollars i ensure they'll make it affordable how much is your marriage worth you can afford twenty dollars to make your marriage better so secret number one of a happy marriage leadership secret number two sex secret number three communication communication people don't part because of affairs that's amazing to hear that divorce is not even caused by extra marital affairs i have seen marriages heal from extra marital affairs i have seen marriages heal from anything but no marriage heals when there is communication breakdown assumptions are the termites of all relationships so i want to say three things about communication tonight number one transparency number two conflicts and number three levels of communication number one transparency be transparent matters money time passwords disclose don't hide some of the fights you have as a couple is simply because you are hiding something disclose money how much you earn and how you spend every coin how you spend money reveals your priorities add your values i didn't say that jesus did jesus said where your money is where your treasures are there your heart is as a mentor as a life coach it's very easy for you to tell me you love god you love church you love charity if i want to know the truth i just need to check your budget it reveals the truth about you your values your priorities so reveal this close number two time where you are with who doing what at any given moment your wife has a right to know where you are at any given moment your husband has a right to know when you're going to the shopping mall when you're meeting your girlfriends it's not a privilege it's their right and number three disclose your passwords to your phone to your ipad your tablet your laptop to your social media whether facebook instagram to your emails my mercy who is with me right here stays with my phone over 80 percent of the time why i have nothing to hide so i find it easier when she picks my phone she's able to safeguard me from unnecessary course and i'm able to focus on what i'm good at don't ever carry your phone to the bathroom don't ever complain that your wife is so nausey she's always checking your phone she should she ought to in my family we use one person all of us with our children and my wife all of us the message is clear we have nothing to hide from each other when my children outgrow our family and they get married they can use their password to their husband and wives so long as they are my roof we are using one person all of us so you need to be transparent the only reason you don't want to be transparent there is something you're hiding you are fearing a wrong text may lag on your phone if you have nothing to hide walk in the light if you're walking in the dark then you keep walking with your phone everywhere even when you're going to the gym or to spots you can't leave the phone in the car when your spouse is there fear hunts you like a black dog why sin haunts you sin brings shame disclose your money your time your passwords communication requires transparency say in advance where you're going how you're spending money in advance number two you need to eliminate conflicts through communication communication eliminates conflicts i have already discussed three sources of conflicts leadership sex and transparency let me just tell you three other things that cause conflicts i'm not suggesting these are the only things that cause conflicts but one is abuse the other one is that practice and the last one is expectations these three areas are areas of conflicts in marriage abuse comes in five forms physical abuse verbal abuse emotional abuse financial abuse spiritual abuse physical abuse hitting someone verbal abuse calling them names emotional abuse tearing them emotionally either by your words or through silence ignoring them being moody the other one is financial abuse manipulating your wife financially manipulating your husband financially and number five spiritual abuse telling your wife she can't go for a night meeting she can't go to the church of our choice and that's okay if you're offering leadership you can't cost people how they should pray the money in which they should worship where they're comfortable going to church as a woman support your husband if he's offering leadership support your husband however even the bible flees you from following him spiritually if you think it will compromise your eternal destiny that's what jesus said they become one flesh not one might not one spirit you become one flesh jesus said in matthew 25 during the rapture of the church two shall be sleeping together one will be taken one will be left he was talking about marriage because in some instances the husband is born again the wife is not the wife is born again the house but it's not so you can be one flesh but not one in spirit not one in mind you read from different scripts you think independently you have different world views diverse products because of your bringing and your personality you are different beings but you must never tolerate abuse in your marriage jesus said this is one groud for divorce a lot of people believe it's only sexual morality yes it's true in matthew 5 32 in matthew 19 9 jesus said sexual immorality is enough groud for divorce but jesus also said in mark 10 verse 5 that moses gave a certificate of divorce because of your hardness of heart hardness of heart he realized your heart to her heart you are killing your wives you are such a patriarchal society rather than attending a funeral service most has given a certificate of divorce because of physical verbal abuse spiritual abuse you see if you subject yourself to abuse for so long your life becomes a cabbage never allow anyone to call you names or to abuse you physically never allow anyone to look down upon you no one is your god the bible says caste is the man who looks up up to man who depends on man for help jeremiah 17 5 but blessed is the man who looks up to god for help jeremiah 17 7 you have to stay married so long as you're respected you're honored don't ever persevere through marriage i ask you again for what for who you should be married for yourself for your own sake don't be married because of your children don't be in marriage because of societal pressure marriage was meant for your own fun don't compromise that position now the other area that brings conflict in marriage is third parties especially mother-in-law and sister-in-law your woman must never compete with your mother this is the priority for a christian marriage number one god no one should compete with god not your wife not your husband thou shalt have no other god besides me otherwise it's a dora tree our god is a jealous god if you put anyone or anything before him he will judge you because of idolatry meaning you spend more time with god you hear god more than anyone else god is your number one your wife your husband is your number two your children number three parents bold sight number four she brings both saints number five and all others number six you must protect your wife from being attacked by in-laws your husband must never compete with your boss your husband must never compete with your sisters your wife must never compete with your mother you know the umbilical cord between sons and mothers is so strong but it must be broken you must protect your wife from any attack marriage is to people marriage is not a clan hey listen to me woman your children must never compete with your husband your husband first after your god children number three and then clarify expectations don't assume expectations about sex discuss be open be carded write it down in your journal your marriage channel we will have sex in this marriage at least five times a week talk about money in marriage talk about in-laws in marriage and agree in advance you minimize conflicts when you have a great in advance how to deal with every charge before it happens if your court pants down it will ruin your marriage be ahead in the game try to foresee the issues that can potentially bring conflict and address him address them in advance ask your wife openly how do you want me to make love with you where do you like being touched ask your husband openly what do you love for breakfast tell him openly i love it when once a week you help with dinner when you do homework with the children when you take me out don't butter it up he should take initiative but if he doesn't tell him speak up your mind there are six levels of communication and i want you to think through what is your level as a couple level one talk small talk people call them pillar talk you're not saying anything much for example do you like ian's nose ring do you like her shape level two facts where you are stating facts i lost my job it cannot be argued level three opinions people admire our marriage that's an example of an opinion level 4 feelings for example i don't feel secure in my marriage feelings level 5 needs i need sex daily where you can discuss your needs without being judged or ashamed number six and the highest level believes for example i believe i know sex is not seen i am not saying hey by the way i am not saying what i believe i am just giving examples hey come on i'm just giving examples let me repeat an example of a belief i believe any sex is not seen between a married couple that's a belief so what i want to tell you right now don't attack one's feelings don't discredit their beliefs the factory level at the lowest level of communication and you can engage in level one two or three without thinking much but as a couple if you can get into level 4 5 and 6 without being judged where you're vulnerable with each other in a safe space then you two are secure people you two are intimate but sometimes we confuse aspects of communication for example somebody may say i have not cheated on you that's a fact level two is about facts so somebody may say i have not cheated on you but that may not be a fact it may be your opinion maybe your partner thinks you have been involved in emotional affairs or for example a husband may say i am good in sex that's a fact but your wife may think that's your opinion you have not asked me that's that could be an opinion someone may say it's cold it's a fact it's good but maybe you're just feeling cold i'm not feeling cold i should not attack your feeling we can be in the same room i am feeling hot and you're feeling cold don't ask your wife what's wrong with you why are you saying it's cold it's hot you're not feeling for her she's wearing a different body come on woman don't attack your husband why are you feeling hungry we have just eaten hey you're not cutting his stomach we can be i can be feeling hungry and we ate at the same time i can be feeling cold and in the same room i know couples who are in the same room the wife is feeling hot and the husband is feeling cold all other needs for example i may say i need my wife to spend more time with me i need my husband to spend more time with me and that's my knee don't discredit it he may feel well i spend enough time with her not so when you listen to feelings needs and beliefs you listen with your heart the first three levels you listen with your head you don't give it much of a thought but level four five and six listen to your heart when you hear someone express a feeling or a need or a belief go slow in your comment don't comment very fast when you hear they have spoken a feeling a need or a belief take time to process before you answer lest you discredit their beliefs or you attack their feelings and that's a primary issue that make people to part ways because we can't listen to each other so i would like to close by giving you a concept to enhance your communication this is not original with me this is something i learned from the idiom culture but it works i'm holding a book just as an illustration in the in ancient times indian men during the leadership forums they used to have what they called the idiot talking stick so when an elder spoke when he finished speaking and felt heard and understood he had it over that stick to the next elder to speak only when he heard others give him feedback ed was convinced the other student so so long as he was holding the stick no one could speak no one could agree with him or disagree with him the idea was to force tan taken to eliminate disruption during communication you can't cut me short when i'm speaking so when i hear you say what i said in your own words then i know i was at attitude you don't have to agree with me you don't have to disagree with me you don't even have to know in acceptance you only need to repeat what i said and i'm convinced you understood me then i had over i had over the stick to the other elder as a symbol same i i think i was hard i think i was understood then i can hold over this stick to the next elder to express their points that way they never quarreled you can argue in a civilized manner without quarreling it doesn't mean we agree but it does mean we have listened to one another we have understood one another you can come up with such a concept in your house must say and i have a box we call it our talking box so if i realize an issue is emotive i will hold the talking box and when i'm having the talking box masse cannot speak she can't agree with me she cannot disagree with me she can only know to express i am listening i'm hearing you then i will wait for her to say what i said in her own language when i feel understood i will head over the box to her when she's having the box our talking box i cannot talk i cannot express my views i cannot disrupt her i cannot interrupt her until she fully speaks her point and she feels listened and understood i dare tell you tonight not two people can part twice if we were able to hear each other to listen to one another and to understand each other people separate couples divorce simply because we cannot listen to one another if we can listen to one another we can solve the most complex marriage conflicts i have seen two couples resolve extramarital affairs where both of them not either where both of them were involved in affairs and they were able to recover completely from affairs heal from affairs not one couple not two couples so when two couples part twice it's simply because they can't listen to one another they can't understand each other from the other person's perspective from the partner's worldview so three secrets of marriage number one leadership number two sex and number three communication i want to recommend you to like my page dr k and jacob i share articles and videos every day if you're looking for something to inspire your marriage every single day you leave i share articles and videos every day for the last many years and you can also go to my youtube channel dr k and jacob subscribe to my youtube channel you will access hundreds and hundreds of inspirational videos that you build your marriage even your career growth your spiritual life your emotional life your personal life your professional life hundreds of inspirational videos a hundred percent free of charge they are available for you all you need to do is to subscribe to my youtube channel let me pray for you father in the name of jesus may you bless these couples do you prosper them may you stabilize these marriages may you heal the areas in their marriage where they are hurting each other i pray for emotional healing i pray for spiritual healing in their marriages i pray god that you may bless them in every area of your marriage may happiness be their portion i speak your hope your peace and your life in this marriage in jesus name amen and amen thank you very much it was such a great joy and pleasure speaking to you tonight the lord bless you shalom hey were you inspired by this video kindly like and share with your friends family and colleagues and remember to subscribe to my youtube channel dr k and jacob and enjoy hundreds of inspirational videos free of charge

Channel: Dr. K. N. Jacob

Views: 38,317

Rating: 4.8040199 out of 5

Keywords: Motivational, talk;, Inspiration;, Preaching;, Teaching;, Personal, Growth;, Development;

Id: _0Da-9RIauM

Length: 63min 27sec (3807 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 19 2021