Supercut: Alan Blew It, Again. | Two and a Half Men

my God Alan I can't believe you're sleeping with Lindsay mroy you're sleeping with Lindsay mroy my man how could you do that yeah how don't leave anything out it just happened I me her son and Jake are friends which is how we met and we you know hit it off you don't sleep with your son's friend's mother no no you marry his pediatrician he's got you there sweetie you know there's a rumor going around that Lindsay was in a softcore porn movie before she got married really which one I don't know but I've been checking Cinemax every night for months oh I love their stuff it's classy right a little story nice lighting you never have to see the guy's junk what is wrong with you I don't like seeing that stuff either Charlie would you like some pizza no thanks I'm kind of on a health kick didn't you tell me he quit drinking he actually thinks he did hello oh hey her what's up really right now hang on are you sure wait wait wait Lindsay M never mind you're right it's her okay her thanks great great have a nice shower boy she sure does like the whipped cream hi baa it's me the uh the scrubbing bubble I I came to apologize okay thank you bye-bye come on can't can't can we put aside our our petty differences and and and and find a way to work together out of a a mutual love for Charlie yeah that's why I do this for love the thing is I'm I'm going through a really tough time right now my my marriage is collap in my my business is slow my little boy is being dragged back and forth from his mother's house to to to Malibu my alcoholic husband ran off with my daughter's parole officer and I clean rich people's toilets for a living okay let's not make this a competition all right so you won't come back will you at least tell me how you made the damn coffee Christmasy Christmasy yeah Charlie said your coffee tastes christmy oh cinnamon I said cinnamon oh oh lower back you uh you do a lot of lifting of course you do you're a maid and I'm an ass I'm a housekeeper of course and you're an ass yes hey oh why don't you sit down let me take a look at it what I'm a chiropractor okay but no funny business not to worry oh oh God that feels so good oh hey ber I can't find Mya if you're going to do a guy in the laundry room put a scarf on the doorknob or something I'm a big fan well it wasn't easy but I did it she won't do my laundry or get my groceries and I have to give her a lower back adjustment twice a week and stepen Tyler thinks I'm doing her but but she is coming back yes Charlie she is coming back R now are you crying it's been a very emotional day here you go buddy drink your vodka there you go Mr Harper 2275 thanks Gordon hang [Laughter] on keep the change W thanks oh Gorden wait wait wait you got to hear something hear what shh wait for it was that it yep thanks for [Applause] waiting looking for something yeah my wallet here it is oh oh thanks wow the legendary lost wallet of Alan Harper funny oh my there's no money in here no no how were you going to pay for the pizza Alan uh I I have um uh I have uh what is it Alan what do you have nothing you sure oh where did you find that I mean what is that about $5,000 and small bills wow wow that much A Little Less since I paid for the pizza and tip the guy a 50 you gave him a $50 tip yep now I'm going to go light my cigar with a 100 wait wait wait wait wait wait wait I just remembered I lost a big roll of bills that looked a lot like that one really it's yours I had no idea an honest mistake give me you can understand my confusion I mean a guy's got this kind of cash laying around you think he'd be able to pay for his own freaking bagel dog you don't understand the money isn't for me really who's it for old Allan old Allen yeah you know the Allen of the future you're kidding they're still going to have Allens in the future no see the thing is I've been going through kind of a rough Financial time since well high school anyway it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of of me I mean who will old Allen be able to count on certainly not Jake cuz let's face it his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport so I decided that whenever somebody in the office paid in cash I'd put it away for old Allen what about the IRS what about them they don't care about old Allen okay let me get this straight you're squirreling away money for old Alan while young Allan sponges off a dumb Charlie I wouldn't call you dumb sweet Charlie loving Charlie can I have my money now you have a serious problem my friend yes I do no question now give me my money you need help I know but who can afford it all right you know what I want you to do with this money oh come on man I'm already constipated you're going to spend it every penny but but what about old Allen what will he do well I'm guessing old Allen will be living on Old Charlie's hi to bed until they bag him and tag him really you mean no matter what I can always count on you keep the money oh hi Charlie hey bro I'll take a big box of milk done sure that's $25 anything for your lady friend that's okay she doesn't eat food keep the change oh thanks Charlie I can always count on you come on baby can you believe I'm older than him boy that's some a chick yeah oh don't eat the popcorn Jake sorry Dad can I make you some oatmeal not cereal I know I just thought you might enjoy something hot and quiet nope do you have a hangover yeah drinking that much was a stupid thing to do then why did you do it I don't know Jake maybe I'm just stupid or maybe you just don't apply yourself hey hey can we stop talking for a while okay although I do like a little conversation of breakfast morning everybody shh he's hung over oh yeah well isn't this an ironic turn of events me waking up feeling all bright and chipper and you looking like a stool sample not a big irony fan huh Charlie yeah either stop talking or at least have the decency to kill me boy I'm never going to drink good job you scarred the kid for life now he's going to have to face Junior High sober just just tell me one thing what's that did I really tell the waiter I loved him last night you had to say something after a kiss like that oh God I took care of your bathroom thank you I hope you like the smell of pine scented puke so did I do anything else I'm going to regret no you paid for dinner oh jeez and after we got home there was some drunken blubbering about how you weren't going to Grable for the approval of women anymore all right I almost forgot I had a life-changing Epiphany last night was this before or after you yacked up a hunk of your esophagus no no it's no joke I I've reached a turning point from this day on uh my actions will no longer be predicated on pleasing the castrating mother figures in my life what's so funny nothing I think she doubts your Epiphany she'll see they'll all see starting now I am a new alen oh damn I think I wept myself starting now I will fear no woman's disapproval oh God that's Judith I was supposed to have Jake ready she's going to kill me okay starting now good for you oh I better get that wait what she thinks of you doesn't matter the only thing that counts is what you think of you you're right it's what I think of me I had so much potential okay forget what you think of you yeah I'm probably too close to me to see me clearly yeah that's it I made coffee hot coffee well yeah of course it's hot duh oh oh my that is potentially scalding blow on it silly yes blowing you blow too so uh so listen Donna um there's something we really need to talk about what's that well I was wondering are are are you completely happy in this relationship oh good then it's not just me what do you mean well I enjoy spending time with you but honey I kind of feel like we're getting a little stale really I thought it was going great come on Alan our sex life is pathetic we're just going through the motions well now now hold on those uh those motions are tried and true call it whatever you want tried and true dull and listless I want to call it tried and true all I know is every time we get in bed it's the same old thing the same old thing what what about the mask and Cape it was the same old thing in a mask and Cape please don't take it personally oh no no how how could I possibly take it personally you're just telling me I'm a lousy L I didn't mean lousy I meant uninspired lackluster predictable okay tedious mind-numbing boring all right all right all right that's it come upstairs with me I will show you tedious mind-numbing and boring oh God I'm sorry I do I don't know just do something oh oh how can you say this is boring here you go clean and dry thank you thank you are you all right oh yeah little Alan's fine the twins got the worst of it good good listen Donna you were right this relationship is over over well what else is there to do besides call it quits well I I thought maybe we could take it to the next level Next Level what's beyond mind-numbing tedious and boring I'll tell you what's beyond it death no thank you I've already been married but Alan I'm sorry but it's just it's time we face the truth I I have no romantic feelings for you anymore none none at all oh oh come on Donna crying doesn't solve anything believe me it's better to end this now while we're still friends goodbye my friend just get out what are you doing nothing hi you must be Alan yes forget it Georgia it's not going to happen [Applause] what's not going to happen I thought I could spice up our relationship with a three-way a a three-way but I didn't realize you had no romantic feelings for me at all now hang on um I I I I think you may have misinterpreted my remarks honey I'm I'm here for you now see you really need to be more clear about what you meant by taking it to the next level see I I'm fine with this this could help oh go to hell was the friend good looking spectacular wow sounds like you blew it could have been the best night of your life the best night no no that that was night Jake was born you have a three-way the night Jake was born okay I blew the best night of my life well don't worry you'll have another opportunity someday how do you figure well you may have to wait a few decades but I hear the ratio of gals to geers in those senior living facilities is 2 to one and imagine the progress that made boner pills by that time Alan what are you doing well I'm you know little bit of a a cash flow Crunch and I uh I thought I'd use this to to pay some bills I see mine helping me out sure promise me I'll spend it on food not whiskey my pain brings you a lot of pleasure huh I'm a simple man it's your ex-wife oh perfect get the bat this is the bat Tada you about a forche pora what do you think it's cute but what do you mean cute I mean it looks like my car is hot little girlfriend are you saying this is a chick car cuz it isn't it's a Porsche yeah the cute little one no no it's the sporty one if you're sport is girls basketball no no it's got the the the fuel injection and the and the rack and the pinion and and and the leather thingy to cover the hood that's called a bra Allan yeah but it's made of leather all right whatever it it is not a chip cart the the the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of guys driving it Alan if a monkey walked into the dealership he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it monkeys can't drive a stick and come on we'll go for a spin pick up Jake where'd you get the money for this hm where'd you get the money for this cuz they're not cheap no no they are not so where'd you go get the money for this hm the money where'd you get it oh uh I got it from what uh I got a loan [Music] from alen where did the money come from I found it Mom you traded your soul for Porsche I didn't trade my soul and it's Porsche alen why didn't you come to me no I already owe you so much and and you won't let me pay rent and you pay all the utilities well keeping that in mind did you ever consider taking the money from Mom and paying me back um no not really onom let me show you what this baby can do well what do you know monkeys can drive a stick good news Alan you're going to the movies tonight Alan magic spell blame it on the B NOA that he did so [Applause] well what are you doing nothing what is that that's uh it's hairspray really hairspray let me see it no leave me alone what's the big deal it's not a big deal just go away all right but I need you out of the house tonight so I can be alone with Chelsea well don't worry I have a date another internet hookup swab singles.com first month is free must be how they keep out the riff raff have fun well thank you I will will hey hey Captain Terry's spray on hair guaranteed to cover bald spots well it's not really a bald spot I'm just getting a little thin on top so you're painting your head it's not paint it's a specially formulated hairlike substance designed for the active man on the go oh you poor gullible bastard gives me confidence okay fine but what happens to your confidence when your date runs her fingers through your specially formulated hair like so it's guaranteed not to smear drip or ignite under normal circumstances so you're going to spend the rest of your life spray painting your head like it's a freeway underpass this is just a stop cap till the pills kick in what's this like propa better stronger it's from Eastern Europe where they don't have to worry about all those pesky FDA regulations there's a monkey on the label it is not a monkey it's the inventor how long have you been taking these couple of weeks that's to build up in your system and then stand back and grab a comb okay well far be it for me to judge someone for taking questionable Pharmaceuticals but be careful with this stuff Charlie do you really think I'm So Vain that I would jeopardize my health just to grow little hair do I have to remind you about the Japanese penis and large system you want that is not what caused the rupture I'm sorry but this is a [Applause] monkey howdy [Music] partner ma'am wow you look great just checking it off my bucket list what the doctor say it's not good I might have to have a transplant I'm sorry let's just hope that somewhere there's a baboon with a healthy heart riding a motorcycle without a helmet oh sake excuse me I'm going to take a whirl poool till my masseuse gets here you got have my masseuse helps prevent blood [Applause] cloths my uncle Fred had a blood clot in his leg and when I was little he took me to Santa Monica pier and we went on the Tilted whirl and the centrifugal force shot the clot into his brain it's the worst birthday ever he's seen a lot of tragedy Zoe be nice to him come on J Jak we're going to be late for the party I'm ready it's very nice yeah I think we're good turn around you're supposed to take the price tag off but you said it was good to be seen in expensive clothes you still want him to learn from his mistakes fine can we go now hang on let's see the dance moves don't don't stare at your shoes eyes on the girl at all times pretend you care good good good now how do you stand when you know Wendy's looking at you that's it little head Bob show me the sleepy eyes I said sleepy not brain dead all right who's the man I'm the man who's the man I'm the man okay let's go get him Alan I'm coming 2138 2136 try the house with the balloons tied to the mailbox oh right okay let's go where are you going want to meet her parents say hello find out when to pick you up Alan you take one step out of this car I we'll beat your brains out with a tire iron thank you Uncle Charlie have fun U call my cell when you want me to pick up there he goes Maya son is attending his first boy girl party who's that opening the door oh oh that's uh that's Wy CH oh good she's cute kids got taste but she's like a foot taller than him it's all right when they slow dance his head will be perfectly positioned get your mind out of the gutter right like you never capped a field with your no okay once with Aunt Sophie well that was an accident so you know what I'm talking about oh yeah why not I don't have to give you a reason dad I got my learner permit but mom won't let me drive her car just because they give 15-year-olds Learners permits doesn't mean they're ready to drive oh please I've been driving for years Grand Theft Auto 1 Grand Theft Auto 2 and I never ran over anybody but pimps and crack hores Jake sorry crack prostitutes go get started on your homework afterward will you take me driving we'll talk about it later when just go to your room I'm available now go man if I had knew how a hot wire real C so be out of here well thanks for bringing them by I guess yeah uh if you need to reach me herb and I are going to Laguna Beach for a weekend getaway oh how nice taking the baby are you insane I said getaway herbs lucky I'm taking him I see so uh so who's watching little Milly my mother ooh are we sure that's a good idea okay first of all there is no we here and what are you implying I'm implying that there might be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic she's three years clean and sober all the charges were dropped and she's great with Millie all right all right I hope you don't mind but I gave her your number in case there's an emergency I don't mind so uh how is the baby anyway fine good good Jake showed me some pictures I got to say she doesn't look much like you and she certainly doesn't look like herb don't go there Alan go where I'm not implying that someone other than herb could be the father even though that someone did have unprotected sex with you approximately nine months before the birth of a child that looks suspiciously like that someone you get that I'm talking about me right honey if we want to Beat the Traffic really should get going oh hey h hey herb did you hear Judith and I are spending a romantic weekend in lagona I said weekend herb that's all okay fine no romance but sex is still on the table right just get in the car oh can I drive no why not she gone that's a cool snake tattoo on your back thanks that's anacoth the demon who eats human Souls my friend Jeffrey has a dog that eats his own poop he tries to lick her face but we don't let him okay who's that one that's the goddess of the Damned she whose name cannot be spoken why is it hard to pronounce what we have a friend at school like that he's from India we just call him Rusty no kidding is it hard to get tattoos yeah but it's worth it you know sure once I bit my tongue really hard in your Frozen Milky Way but it was totally worth it good morning hi Dad hey hi I'm Allan Jake's dad Isabella she's a friend of Uncle Charlie I would hope so yeah and she was showing me her tattoos oh lucky you there was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that now now it's right at your breakfast table go get dressed I want to see the rest of her tattoos go I have a qu Jake all right um Isabella I hate to be a funy duddy but we try to keep the house smoke free I'm Sorry Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night yeah well Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis what is your problem you are my problem what you un are they fighting oh they're not fighting they're discussing I'm a child of divorc Dad I know the difference you're a selfish hateful person uh maybe you should go to your room it's my birthday ironic huh hi everybody sorry I'm late actually Rose you're right on time here's 50 bucks take Jake to the arcade and don't come back to your out of quarters okay come on Jake cool so how was the wedding it was a circus goodbye honey have fun you were always a cheap and you haven't changed oh I was the Miss technically I'm still a virgin uh girls girls that that's no way to talk ever since we were kids anytime I loved something you had to take it away from me but you will not take away my ex-husband you love me what no I'm trying to make a point here Judith if I wanted Alan I could have had him a long time ago what the hell does that mean you never told her told me what oh well I mean it's no big deal really um it's just that uh uh before I asked you out um I asked uh uh Liz [Music] out you lied to me if I had said yes you never would have dated him so I was your second choice no no no um chronologically yes but in my heart you are always first but in reality you were second and you never told me this well you can kind of see why you know this wouldn't have happened if you were twins okay fine you always wanted Liz go ahead here's your chance give her your little adjustment and maybe while you're having a good time with my sister I'll have a good time with your brother back pardon oh don't be Co with me Charlie you know we've always had sexual tension between us really I thought it was just regular intention come on I've seen you looking at my chest you looked at my wife's chest hey I'm a guy I will rock his world Alan I swear you're bluffing oh am I watch me come on Charlie come Alan she's bluffing Charlie are you sure trust me she hates you trust me that doesn't always stop him come on Alan I'll show you where it hurts um uh clear something up for me uh Chiropractic adjustment that's just a euphemism right right so we're really going to do this uh-huh wow I thought we were bluffing [Music] okay we were bluffing us to hello Mom thank God you're here I don't need your sarcasm Charlie no I mean it I need you Alan needs you what's going on Alan tell Mom your plans for the weekend no why embarrassed no ashamed no scared yes sweetheart I'm Your Mother you can tell me anything okay um I met a wonderful woman in the supermarket a few days ago and we're getting married I see for God's sake if you're that horny find a nice cold girl put her on retainer this is not about sex oh please what else could it be it could be love yeah sure sure who is this woman what does she do she does [Laughter] Allen okay okay that that is how it started but but in the last day and a half it has blossomed into so much more oh my Randy little nink poop listen if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger you'd have well many more stepfathers than you already have she knows what she's talking about Alan mom's been on more Hotel pillows than a chocolate [Laughter] [Applause] mint don't help me Charlie now now this is sweetheart sweetheart no offense but since you're dirt poor and living with your brother one must ask what kind of woman would agree to marry you that she's a little slow or looking for a green card listen to your mommy Alan no no I am going to listen to my heart and for your information she hasn't agreed to marry me in fact I I haven't even asked her yet but you're planning to yes I'm not going to hit you darling Charlie a hey Alan oh hey hey Larry I don't have a weapon hi I'm Walden alen's friend uh just act like I'm not here and punch like no one's watching and action so you uh you said you wanted to talk no not not not louder sorry what louder there's a lot of ambient noise in here so so you said you wanted to talk yeah I actually came here to tell you that I forgive you oh c c what you forgive him yeah I realized all this anger isn't good I had to let it all go no he's not going to learn his lesson if you forgive him the only way he's going to learn a lesson is through pain and suffering and possibly losing a two no no he's going to be my brother-in-law and make an honest woman out of Gretchen she's not going to be an honest woman on our wedding night that's the guy I know in love who's banging my sister I do love banging your sister no the only banging I want to see you banging his face oh that didn't come out right Mom this is my fiance Gretchen Martin it is so nice to finally meet you Evelyn you too dear how far along are you what uh my mother assumes that since you agreed to marry me you must be pregnant no I'm not pregnant are you after my Mone of course not EST spondo tro and Alondo noo not looking for a green card either you must genuinely like Alan this is Uncharted Territory for me I know she actually loves me for me I mean I had to pretend to be another person to make it all happen but still W that is some ring you bought her oh actually that's the ring my ex-husband got me but I still had it I figured why make alen buy another one my God you found your soulmate I know our honeymoon is at her cousin's time share he can't use it cuz he had a heart attack we're so blessed speaking of blessings I just want to thank you for raising such a caring thoughtful intelligent son oh you're serious so when's the big day oh uh it's next Saturday uh we're just going to have a small Affair here at the house uh we're trying to keep costs down are your parents coming oh no my parents have passed away again we're so blessed so where are you planning on living after you marry oh we're not in a rush to go anywhere I mean beach house no rent don't be ridiculous you need your own place oh that's easier said than done mom how about for your wedding if I give you a down payment towards your own oh I love you Mom I won't go that far but thank you what do you want to do this weekend it doesn't matter just as long as you and I are together what did you do I didn't do anything why would you even ask me that I'm guessing he either robbed a liquor store or killed a Drifter do I need to call your mother and ask her if you want to but you know how she pushes your buttons I'll take that chance fine I don't care all right all right I got thrown off the school bus you got the spine of a gummy bear why are we thrown off the bus well actually it's a funny story amuse me have you ever heard of this thing called mooning yeah yeah it rings a bell the bus was going past the girl's track team and a bunch of us thought it'd be funny to Moon him see she gets it Bera sorry I'm just remembering my prom so what happened well I was working near the high school that night and I thought it would be fun to drive the back not not you him well excuse me for sharing what happened well it sounds like B had quite a prom skating on thin ice Jake boy that's something we haven't done in a long time Skating Jake mom grounded me for two weeks why didn't your mother tell me about this I promis I'd tell you what can I say she believed me so how about a movie little fatherson bonding no no no no movies skating no skating fine also no TV no video games no cell phones and no iPods nothing that gives you any amusement or enjoyment can't you just smack me with a belt and get it over with get out of here I'm bored are you aware that your sleepover buddy was packing heat oh yeah any hotter and she have burn my pubes clean off Charlie uh a gun in the house relax she's a cop or was a cop or was wanted by the cops I know she mentioned cops unbelievable so so this was another one night stand unless she comes back for her handcuffs yeah boy how much satisfaction can you get from that handcuffs not really my thing but hey she probably did some stuff last night that might not have been her first choice no I mean how can you possibly get any satisfaction from an endless series of alcohol soaked one night stands and even as the words are coming out of my mouth I realize it's a stupid question so forget I said it she's married to a cop you I I hate to see you wasting your life having drunken sex with women you don't care about who asked you to move back in and watch you know who's good for you don't go there Alan Mia she was beautiful she was smart she got you to clean up your act I'm telling you Charlie letting her go was the stupidest thing you've ever done done you're going there Alan I'm just saying you had this fantastic woman who was willing to marry you and and you just threw it away and and for what okay you're there you want to know why I gave up Mia I'll tell you why I gave up Mia I gave her up for you oh oh for me yeah yeah for you she wanted you to move out so we'd have the house to ourselves but I said no way I am not throwing my brother out on the street wow loving gesture oh bite me and you know what you did you married candy and moved out anyway so if you want to know why I let the best thing that ever happened to me get away it's so the worst thing that could ever happen to me when I have a place to live oh oh well I guess it all worked out for the best huh how do you figure well think about it if Mia had been living here when candy kicked me out and I came back would have been a very awkward [Applause] situation huh oh yeah awkward I have a question yeah how smart do you have to be to have sex well actually can I but I was oh come why do you ask well mom's boyfriend's a doctor yeah and doctors are supposed to be smart right not as smart as they think they are but uh but go ahead well when I'm in bed I can hear them in bed oh god oh boy oh goody and Mom's always telling him that he doesn't know what he's doing how much do I love this kid don't interrupt Charlie go on sweetheart so I'm thinking sex must be a lot harder than I figured I mean she has to tell him the same thing every night every night you say baa you had a semiannual subscription didn't you come on you guys please can't help you look Jak it it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex yeah yeah look at your dad chigs show me a coke think of it this way suppose you like banana cream pie I do like banana cream pot well good do we have any no well then why'd you bring it up I was trying to tell you something about sex what does pie have to do with sex can I jump in how about me excuse me but if I can't talk you can't talk am I right Alan anyway if you don't tell me you like banana cream pie and I keep bringing home something else but I just told you I like it want to know what kind of pie your uncle Charlie oh come on I I'm guessing Cherry please I've got this you've got squat at this rate the kid's only going to get a stiffy at Marie Calendars H tequila checkbook sourpus must be alimony time go away Charlie Boy you'd think for all that money should at least come over and give you a lap dance leave me alone Charlie in fact you know what it' be really funny where it says memo WR lap dance give her something to explain at tax time Charlie you okay so where's J sleeping at of friends he'll get dropped off tomorrow oh man running a movie I thought he'd like no what'd you get don't worry it's educational 1 Million Years BC how is this educational Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini what is that if not history I'm afraid you're going to have to watch it by yourself won't be the first time what's the deal with that giraffe how come you bring it out every time you write an alimony check it's symbolic ah don't you want to know what it's symbolic of no I'm good I made it in Ceramics class for Judith when we were dating all these years I've been shelling out for tennis bracelets and satin underwear well some women aren't impressed with jewelry and lingerie well sure if you want to date a dead girl hey I just realized your name is Al and you're sending your wife money so it's Al imone hey hey I just realized um your name is Charlie and you're a hey where have you been candy called looking for you oh I had to work late oh yeah one of my uh regular patients had a a crisis his name is Roger uh he had a a couple of vertebrae pinching a nerve too bad yeah nice guy you'd like him uh he restores old cars well it's actually more about a hobby than a job he he works at Staples his name is Roger Alan yeah why are you lying to me I don't know I really suck at it you do indeed well don't you care where I was why would I start now oh come on I I really need to get this off my chest all right go ahead I was with another woman okay okay see that's a good lie no no I I I really was with an woman seriously you're already doing a hot 22-year-old and you're cheating on her yes I am so proud of you what who's the dog my brother's the dog come on dog come on dog how with [Music] me no stop howling and let me explain there's nothing to explain you're sleeping with two women at the same time you're a big old dog I haven't been sleeping with the other woman I've been seeing Jake's teacher oh all we do is talk oh I I don't know how to explain it we we just we have so much in common I mean she's divorced she has a kid Jake's age she she reads she likes the theater yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but but you're not sleeping with her why would I sleep with her when I've got candy I don't know cuz you can it's not that kind of a relationship it's it's it's intellectual so take her to a museum enjoy the exhibits and do her in the rest room you're missing the point no no no no you're missing the point if you're not getting laid it's not cheating then why do I feel so guilty well that's easy cuz you're an idiot I guess I guess I just always thought that that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs oh that's an old wives tale started to protect the interest of you guessed it old wives so you're saying the whole concept of monogamy is a fraud the the institution of marriage is a sham no no no I'm just saying Bang the teacher tell you what I will call my mom and try to set up a dinner oh Alan that would be wonderful I owe you one still owe me one for my birthday well if she wasn't here I'd be steering this car with the back of my head right now looks like she's sleeping pretty good oh what the hell scoot your seat back yay hi oh so you did decide to show up tonight I know sorry I'm late it's fine you just turned happy hour into myff hour and $4 pot stickers into $8 pot stickers the important thing is I'm here now and you look really nice tonight do you do something different with your hair you don't have to flatter me you know I'm going to give it up but we do need to talk I said I was sorry it's not just that it's everything it's the it's the sneaking around it's the kurk text it's the going dutch Alan you know this is complicated I have a boyfriend yes and I have feelings and I am feeling disrespected I hear you and I will work harder to make sure that you don't feel taken for granted thank you now why don't we go up to our room and respectfully disrespect each other oh someone wants a spanking I know can it be me this time oh yeah you can play naughty school girl and No Nonsense math teacher oh no oh yes 138 divided 2 is 69 Stephanie Chapman sh maybe she won't see Lindsay Alan Stephanie hi oh wow look look at you you look great I should I got the LP band and I dropped 172 lb good for you hold your applause till the end this is the end so what are you two doing here oh well are you guys back together no no we split up with Larry no Ellen and I are just friends wine Hotel I smell a h oh we are we are definitely not together what you smell are $8 pot stickers so what what brings you here uh there is a singles mixer and this former fatty is looking for a sugar daddy make sure he's a a sugar-free daddy you are adorable I could just eat you up I I probably just taste like chicken I'll bring the biscuits and you bring the gravy okay I'm going to leave you two friends alone # suspicious great seeing you youo I know you're going to hate to see me go but you're going to love watching me walk away God she is the most annoying woman on the planet yeah she is horrible you have to go out with her what she totally suspects we're having an affair the only way to convince her we're not a couple is for you to ask her out no forget her stomach they should have stapled her mouth shut that's exactly the problem she'll tell Larry oh oh no no there there has to be an easier way can I just kill her be a much smaller grave to dig now I'm serious if you ever want to have sex with me again you you will ask her out oh fine fine I'll I'll ask her out now let's go upstairs that is not going to happen she's right over there I'm going home but but I thought we were going to [Music] bye so he died right out there in the chair huh yep bring remind me to flip that cushion you should have seen it Berto the paramedic zipped him up in a big plastic bag is that so it looked like one of those things delivery guys used to keep pizza hot I wonder if they got him to the Morgan 30 minutes or less not funny Jake maybe it is funny and you just didn't get it eat so uh did you know him Andy sure before he moved to New York he and Charlie were just like brothers yeah I heard that part how's Charlie taken it he's pretty shook up well you can understand why somebody your age living the same dumbass lifestyle you lived Kels over and dies it's got to give you pause you're right about that actually I'm surprised that Charlie didn't go first excuse me I'm standing right here but for how long did you get that one see you later where you going what do you think my best friend just died I got a lot of things to take care of you're handling the funeral I'm sure Andy would like that hell with Andy I'm going to the hospital to get every damn medical test known to man good one you're not getting any of these are you hey hey how'd the tests go I won't know for a couple of days all right I'm out of here how about you [Laughter] charie wait I got something for you it's a gift certificate for a week at a spa in Palm Springs well I'll be thank you Charlie I just wanted you to know that I love you and appreciate that you've always been there for me great see you in a week oh look at you minute you start thinking about your mortality you realize how much you care about the people around you yeah and I need to start showing it well little gifts are always a nice way to express your feelings I know could be as simple as a cashmere robe or as extravagant as a new car yeah I suppose it could excuse me I got something really cool for Jake doesn't even have to be new certified pre-owned is still very [Music] thoughtful so has your mom been seeing a lot of candi's dad that that that's right if she married him candy would be your step sister hey hey hey do you happen to know if they're going out tonight yep if I if I married candy she would your stepmother but but tonight is your mom going out tonight yeah yeah I get it if candy took a poop it would be your step [Laughter] stool all right well it's always good to talk to you love you buddy did you get all that Bera I think so but let's do a quick recap your girlfriend's living with your ex-wife your ex-wife St and your girlfriend's father and to top it off you're trying to get useful intelligence from a kid who's got precious little despare okay just checking Bera I want you to meet Mandy Mandy Bera hi oh Shante listen uh we got a pair of scissors handy oh oh Charlie that's a silk tie why didn't you use one of the poly Blends hey hey wait a minute that's my tie you you ruined my tie oh yeah uh you're not going to be happy about your electric toothbrush either candi's told me so many nice things about you how do you know Candy she's my daughter your daughter sweet whistling gono you people are like a box of hamsters just crawling all over each other yes yes we all get how this looks Verda hey I'm not knocking it I'm just wondering when some of that gravy is going to spill over on my [Applause] T hey what's up what's up what what are you doing here well Mandy came over to put in a good word for you and I figured I'd tag along for grins oh here comes one now come on in I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up Charlie I got to say I think you handled that really are you out of your freaking mind my fingers what are you doing sticking your nose in my f fiance's breast I was just trying to help let's make one thing clear the only acceptable boob reduction in this house is you moving out funny please Charlie I make my living with my hands really somebody's paying you to masturbate also funny don't I wish now please stop now I am duly chastised not good enough you need to be punished what I'm giving you a timeout what are you talking about you've been very bad and you need to think about what you've done okay fine you want me to go to my room not far enough movies not long enough what do you want me to do I I can't afford to stay in a hotel here that's enough for two nights in a nice hotel or two months in an airport Locker I don't want your money fine go sleep in your car hold on I'll just take a couple of bucks for gas that's [Music] it and meals I have to eat chips and incidentals all right I have turned it into zti uh with a triple letter on Z and a double word on the I plus going down I've created zah zah uh a colloquialism for pizza one of five two-letter words newly accepted by the national Scrabble Association unbelievable you can call them if you want that's what we and Scrabble circles call a two- tile takedown hey Alan is our here yet oh sorry I haven't seen your limo oh 100 points B that's a gorgeous dress corate thanks Charlie insisted on buying it for me to wear tonight what's the charity again I don't know landmines orphans landmines for Orphans I just want to show you off a well you look great thank you no no no there's something something wrong what I don't know I don't know something's something's missing got it taada Charlie you shouldn't have well you've done a lot of things for me you shouldn't have now you look great God it is beautiful thank you what are you guys up to tonight oh not much just a quiet romantic evening at home Loser come on that's not fair no it's my word loser oh oh uh well then I should point out that you could have used the C at the top of the board and made closer I'll stick with Loser yeah great we'll be right out our chariot awaits have fun thanks you too do me a favor when we get in the limo ask the driver to put up the partition you bet isn't that sweet she going to do more things she shouldn't gluten-free pretzel I had no idea these awards were so prestigious they're meaningless crap come on look at this list of of past winners for best jingle uh Barry Manalo Randy Newman Kenny Loggins Archie Baldwin Archie Baldwin Archie Baldwin Arie what's your point well my point is it's an honor just to be nominated no no it's an honor to win being nominated is just a soul sucking waste of time why are you so sure you're going to lose because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle it's about who has the sexiest product that's why the awards always go to car and beer ads over the- counter medications just aren't hip enough that hardly seems fair tell me about it encourage people to get drunk and drive fast great here's an award relieve the Heartbreak of vaginal itching you don't even want to shake your hand well win or lose you should still go to the ceremony no no no no no no an award ceremony is like a tin massage if you don't know that there's going to be a happy ending there's no point lying down it's not just about you Charlie you have a family who's proud of your accomplishments and might like the chance to share them what family is that your family me Jake mom whoa whoa whoa whoa do not tell Mom about this nomination why it's a good thing it doesn't matter if it's a good thing she'll find a way to make it bad okay now you're just being ridiculous oh really let's try a little experiment I'll pretend I'm mom and you tell me something good all right um hey Mom I have discovered a cure for cancer very nice shame you couldn't do it in time to save Uncle Walter's left testicle come on give me another one no I get the idea no no no hit me okay um gee Mom it really is a beautiful day huh try telling that to Uncle Walter's one good nut okay um I adore my son somebody has to how about friendship how about Judas family Manson puppies rabies love communicable disease you win quitter leave me alone you're already alone your wife threw you out remember hey Mom here's some good news it seems with medical breakthroughs the average lifespan will soon be a hundred years wonderful more time to be ignored by your children amazing morning Mom you're looking very pretty today that's nice because inside I'm dead when you're right you're right Charlie I need a favor yeah well I need a healthy liver and there's a long waiting list for both I've got a client coming into town next Saturday and he's bringing his lovely daughter uh and by lovely she means doglike all right she may not be a beauty queen but she does have a terrific figure I'm guessing six nipples anyhow I was hoping you could show her a good time no big deal and you don't even have to take her to dinner just go to the beach and throw a stick till she gets tired gee mom as much as I'd love to service the unfortunate little schneer I'm busy next Saturday what are you doing I I've got a uh I got a I got a thing don't lie to me Charlie you got nothing you just don't want to help me no no no no I I I I swear I have I have I have plans I'm I'm I'm going to this uh this award ceremony you never go to these things yeah well this year's different your client's daughter will just have to hump somebody else's leg told you I could get him to go hello hi you alen Harper yes I am and uh and you are your niece your nie that's a that's a pretty name is that Dutch no I'm Jenny I'm your brother Charlie's daughter uh Henry yes catch me [Music] I'm I'm I'm sorry did did you say that you're Charlie's daughter yeah listen I got a wicked hangover you got any aspirin ibuprofen rum Scotch tequila vodka uh uh yeah yeah come on in uh uh Henry get her an aspirin and vodka on it kitchen's that way damn it I I I can't believe this I mean I can but I I can't I mean how did this happen from what my mom told me oh can we can we maybe turn down the lights that's the sun right I hate the sun it's like God calling you an alcoholic anyway according to my mom it was love at first sight they met in a bar they got drunk and had sex in the bathroom was like a freaking Disney movie poke a hot ass hey where did the Kake go for the vik of Poland I don't mean to be rude but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter I mean this could be some kind of scam I have a picture of us together it's in here somewhere oh look my vagina oh wait that's not mine oh that's mine oh there you go this was taken at my fourth birthday party just a heads up I might vomit where's the nearest bathroom uh right down the hall okay I think we're good but it's always nice to have a plan anyway this party was the last time I saw him after that he just sent checks you you sent checks yeah my mom didn't want him to have anything to do with me but he always made sure I was taken care of he never said a word about any of this to me I'm his brother his his flood were they big checks yeah got one every month bastard my mom just called me special this Henry guy is awesome did you know I want a spelling bee in fifth grade I didn't who's this Henry's assistant this is Jenny my brother's daughter really hi hi I uh didn't know Charlie had a daughter neither did I he sent her checks big checks not that that matters now every month hey am I related to abber croman Fitch over here no I own the house oh I assumed it was Allen's so does he [Music]

Channel: Two and a Half Men

Views: 923,483

Keywords: twoandahalfmen, tv, funny, charlie sheen, two and a half men, jon cryer, alan harper, charlie harper, walden schmidt, ashton kutcher, conchata ferrell, holland taylor, evelyn harper, jake harper, angus t jones

Id: nPuK8KymMZ8

Length: 72min 56sec (4376 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 17 2024